A friendly Change

Saw this post on yahoo today about what is the real worth of you. I went and checked it out thinking, foolishly, that it would discuss what is the true meaning of success. What it did talk about was what is your future net worth? Like what do you anticipate making in the future? Blah...I understand we are in bad economic straights as a society these days but I still always wonder, when faced with information like this, why a persons success in America is determined by their pay check, cars and houses. Are your kids going to school? Are you still in your first marriage, what kind of car do you drive? How many TV’s and computer's do you own?...blah blah blah. I think being able to get the great job, pay check, family, cars, houses etc. first starts with learning who we are first. There's a line from Bill Gate's rules for success,”The world wont care about your self esteem they will expect you to accomplish something first.” So true. We are the only ones who care about our own self esteem, it is not dependent upon others. And we gain self esteem through achievements. Learning to be successful only comes after making many mistakes and knowing that we learned and lived through them.

I have realized recently that I don't need certain people in my life to define who I am. Having more doesn't mean you are more, it just means there is more, and this applies to people in your life too. I suddenly realized on day that I don't want, or need, their pop psychology, advice, suggestions etc. It sucker punched me in the face one day after on of their thoughtless acts and reply's to it. Supposedly people think that being a friend means giving you all the answers, and telling you who they think you are, and why. Like some how we are incapable of figuring out the answers on our own? I think that giving advice, especially the kind of advice that sounds like,”if you don't do what I'm saying your making a big mistake,” is a form of control. It took me awhile to realize that I was associating with people like this. Even sadder, that I was slowly morphing into one of them. Argh... It is a very humbling experience to wake up one day realizing that I was in charge of my own feelings, and that if I didn't like the way I was feeling around these people then it was time to move on. So I said goodbye and was surprised at the feelings that came with the decision. For the first time in a long time I could take a truly deep breath. My head didn't feel all fuzzy and I slept pretty darn good. It had been insinuating to me, for some time by these “friends”, that the feelings of anger, frustration and anxiety I had associated with them was my doing only, and that they played no part in this what so ever. I took what they said and gave it many hours of thought. At the end this was what I rationalized. I feel we are all part of a village. No one persons role is greater or smaller than the others, so when I realized that they were telling me that all of these feelings were in my control, and they did not agree with ( and didn't want to listen to) anything I had to say on the subject, the choice suddenly became obvious. Good bye, it was fun but our time on this earth together has ended.

I feel a certain amount of sadness, along with relief also. I knew these people for five years. I do have some fond memory’s associated with them. It is like a death, I grieve for the loss and what may have been, but these may haves were mine alone, not there's The perception they have of me is clouded by things beyond my control, and no matter how hard I try their perception cannot be changed by anything I say or do. This was an empowering reality for me. These people come from places of addiction. Addiction to substances, to behavior, bad feelings and bad habits. These are things I choose not to have in my life anymore.

I found this page on making friends...good advice. When I first started reading it I thought wait a minute, is this going to be one of those co-dependent do everything for the other person kind of tips? But as I read on I realized that these not only apply to making friends but in being able to choose friends. Interesting....how many people have we made friends with who don't have a lot of these quality’s? I think that if we were aware of the quality’s of being a good friend not only would we be better friends, but also pick better friends. I read through these and realized my mistakes. Do I want the people who I have recently fired as friends back in my life because I realize where I went wrong? No, not really. I feel that I have progressed beyond them and the chance's of these people ever being able to truly listen and understand me is gone; in-fact probably was never there to begin with. When I met them I was a different person. In a different place in my life. I had lost some family members and thought that they could fill that void. Years later though I, for what ever reason, see very clearly that I replaced that void with the kinds of people I didn't want to have in my life. The choice to not have certain family members in my life came because of abuse, lies, guilt manipulation and emotional black mail. The friends who I picked to replace them have turned out to be the same way. I am sure they would disagree with me; they have disagreed with, mocked, criticized, and made light of many important thoughts, feelings and opinions in my life. This no longer really bothers me though, they have a right to their thoughts, opinions and feelings, just like I do. But I don't have to be part of them and now I choose not to be part of them. In conclusion I add the the page on making friends for everyone. I hope this and my story will help everyone who reads it. :)

Here's the pith of the matter. The one sure thing in life is that life will change. Change is good, it leads us down new paths, to new places and new people.  If you find yourself standing in one place too long nothing is happening.

We all want to have true friends, but the quality of our friends depend on us. If you want to have true friends, you should be a true friend yourself. By being a true friend, people will love to be around you and many of them will eventually become your true friends.
In addition, being a true friend is a good way to solve relationship problems. It’s difficult to change other people, but you can always change yourself. You can then solve the otherwise unsolved problems in relationships.
Here I’d like to share 17 tips to become a true friend. It may take years to learn to apply them but they are essential to boost your relationships.
Here they are:
1. Befriend yourself

Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.Eleanor Roosevelt

This is an essential first step if you are to be a true friend. If you don’t even accept yourself, how can you accept others? You may have made mistakes in the past that you can’t forget. But forgive yourself for them. You perhaps don’t have the traits you want in life. But accept yourself as you are.
2. Accept others

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.Unknown

After you befriend yourself, you will be in a good position to accept others. Other people may do you wrong or have some bad habits you don’t like. But you are not perfect yourself so there is no reason for you not to accept them.
3. Make time

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.Barbara Bush

Sometimes we are too busy to provide time for relationships, even for important people in our life. That most likely happens because we put relationships too low in our priority list. If we regard relationships as high priority, time won’t be a problem. We will make time for relationships.
4. Be a good listener

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.Ed Cunningham

The art of listening is one of the most difficult arts to master. I experience it myself. Sometimes I talk with a friend but don’t carefully listen to what he says. Sometimes I’m introduced to a new person but don’t carefully listen to her name. A true friend doesn’t do that. A true friend is a good listener.
5. Enrich others’ life

Friendship is a treasured gift, and every time I talk with you I feel as if I’m getting richer and richer.Unknown

A true friend provides value to others. She wants people who meets her to be enriched in their life. If you want to do that, you should live a lifestyle of value. This way you amass value in your life you can then distribute to others.
6. Understand first
Everyone looks at life through his own lens. Often we expect others to see life through the same lens as ours, but that will create a lot of problems. A true friend is someone who is willing to look through other people’s lenses first. He tries to understand why they think and act that way.
One thing I find helpful for this is learning about personality. Learning about personality helps me understand why people behave differently from me in certain situations. A good, easy-to-digest book on this subject is Personality Plus.
7. Find common ground
Finding common ground helps you connect with new friends quickly. The common ground allows you to talk to others about something they are interested in and thereby build relationships with them.
To make it easier to find common ground, you should enlarge your ground. The larger your ground, the easier it is for you to connect with others. Two simple ways to enlarge your ground is reading a lot and listening a lot.
8. Be interested
If you want to be interesting you should first be interested. Be curious. Cultivate interest about many things. If you do that, you can genuinely be enthusiastic when people talk to you about something. People will feel appreciated and love to be around you.
9. Take initiative to help

Make use of your friends by being of use to them.Benjamin Franklin

A true friend doesn’t wait until someone asks his help. Instead, he takes the initiative to help others. This, of course, is easier said than done. To do this, you should be on the lookout for needs. Be sensitive. Often you can find others’ needs through what they implicitly say. You may also see it through their body language. When you sense a need, think about how you can help them and take the initiative to help.
10. Trust others

Confidence is the foundation of friendship. If we give it, we will receive it.Harry E. Humpreys

If you treat others as good and trustworthy people, they will also treat you likewise. Believe in your heart that people are naturally good, even when they seem to be the opposite. People will feel how you believe in them and they will be touched by your sincerity.
11. Rebuke when you should

In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.Solon

A true friend is not afraid of saying the truth, even if it’s not convenient to the ones who hear it. A true friend cares too much about the person’s wellness that he can’t afford to let him live wrongly. Always have others’ best interest in your heart and be honest to them.
12. Know the right time to do things

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.Gloria Naylor

A true friend knows the right time to praise, the right time to listen, and the right time to rebuke. She knows when to come and when to stay away. A true friend masters the art of timing.
13. Have integrity

There can be no friendship without confidence and no confidence without integrity.Samuel Johnson

Integrity is the foundation of true friendship. Be sure that you do what you say. You can only build true friendship if you are true to yourself and others.
14. Commend others

Reprove your friend privately, commend him publicly.Solon

People need appreciation. They need to know that you appreciate them. Often we are quick to criticize but slow to commend. Let’s make it the opposite. Sincerely commend them when they do something right. Even better, commend them publicly.
15. Leverage others’ potential

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.Henry Ford

A true friend wants to see the people around them live up to their maximum potential. You can do this by helping your friends recognize and develop their personal strengths.
16. See the positive side of others

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.Bernard Meltzer

A true friend knows you good enough to see your weaknesses but he still believes in your potential. To become a true friend, you should believe that your friends are good on the inside no matter how bad their outward appearance might be. It’s by this belief that you can sincerely encourage them.
17. Be present in difficult times

True friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.Unknown

This is the test of true friendship. Fake friends will be with you when you are happy since they want to share your happiness. But fake friends won’t be with you in difficult times. Only true friends will choose to be with you in difficult times.
So, to be a true friend, be with your friends in their dark moments. Be with them even if you need to let go your own convenience. It may be the most difficult tip of all, but it’s the mark of true friendship.
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While learning these tips may take years, we can always grow and become better every day.
Do you have tips to become a true friend?