The Peacemaker
www.sacred-texts.com/bud/btg/btg78.htm
IT is reported that two kingdoms were on the verge of war for the possession of a certain embankment which was disputed by them. And the Buddha seeing the kings and their armies ready to fight, requested them to tell him the cause of their quarrels. Having heard the complaints on both sides, he said:"I understand that the embankment has value for some of your people; has it any intrinsic value aside from its service to your men?"
"It has no intrinsic value whatever was the reply.
The Tathagata continued: "Now when you go to battle is it not sure that many of your men will be slain and that you yourselves, O kings, are liable to lose your lives?" And they said: "It is sure that many will be slain and our own lives be jeopardized."
"The blood of men, however," said Buddha, "has it less intrinsic value than a mound of earth?" "No," the kings said, "The lives of men and above all the lives of kings, are priceless." Then the Tathagata concluded: care you going to stake that which is priceless against that which has no intrinsic value whatever?--The wrath of the two monarchs abated, and they came to a peaceable agreement.
You may have noticed a drop in my blogging. Its not because I have grown tired of writing; but because I find myself in a different place in my life. The times where I look at the world, and the people in it, and think wtf, are very far and few between. Which is good. I also find myself wanting to be more selective of what I share. Is it worthy of a read? Will it benefit some one other than me? So when I write I lean towards my spirituality, Buddhism. I try to look at the world through Buddha eyes. Am I perfect at it, no of course not, and thankfully not, I never want to stop learning, and making mistakes.
I will begin my tale with a question, as so many of my tales do. Ever have some one suggest you do something, for your own good, and you cant get rid of that nagging feeling that it is the wrong thing to do? Ahhh I hear a resounding yes coming through my puter. ;) I was told recently, with out much of an option to say no, that I should sit down and talk with someone to clear up some issues that seem to be causing others some suffering.
Now this is not as clear cut as it appears. I believe if you come in contact with a person on a daily basis, at work for instance, then the logical choice is to follow the advice and find a way to communicate that benefits everyone exposed to the suffering. If for no other reason to show, and know, that you made every effort to get along with said difficult person and make an environment that others share with you, and said difficult person, a little less stressful. But what if you don't see someone on a daily basis? What if its just holidays? Or family gatherings? Which is maybe only 3-4 times a year? Is it really necessary to stir the pot? Is it necessary to make everyone try to understand you and vice versa? What if you have already tried and others have just not seen it? At what point do you tell yourself that you have done everything possible and its now in the other persons court? At what point do we give ourselves permission to just be compassionate to ourselves first?
So many long term arguments between persons, who are considered just acquaintance's by the way, happen because there was an un-necessary push by someone, some where, for everyone to understand each other on a far more personal level than perhaps either party wished. The persons usually pushing think they are being peace makers and peace making always has good intentions.
https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-be-a-peacemaker/
https://www.mediate.com/articles/bermanlj3.cfm
https://www.dumblittleman.com/learn-how-to-mediate-and-end/
https://www.mediate.com/articles/noll3.cfm
Peace makers don't make each other get along and like each other, they ensure peace by making sure that everyone can work together peacefully for the benefit of everyone around them. They set up boundaries that are fair and work for everyone involved. They do not push anyone into doing something they don't want to do unless there is some compromising going on. They ensure give and take. They also listen to what each party has to say, not blindly following one point of view because of their partial feelings towards someone. They are neutral, and unselfish in their goals.
I am not pointing fingers here at anyone. I can share, rather uncomfortably, that I have on many occasions been a failed peace maker with intentions that were...um...lets just say they were not good Karma. :P I also like to tell myself that I am the peace maker and rarely, emphasis on rarely, need anyone to do any peace making for me. The persons who are most successful at making peace in my life are hubby, and family in general, because they "get me". Which brings me back once again to knowing who you are, and what, you are peace making for.
Mothers are notorious peace makers. Many mothers, myself included, try to protect under the blanket of peace making. We tell ourselves that peace making between our child, and a bully for instance, is necessary for all kids to learn. The bigger picture, and the harder thing to do however, is to just give the tools necessary for successful relationships and stand back and trust that they will be used.
http://healthtoday.com/five-great-tools-for-a-successful-relationship/ Learning these, and using them, ensures peace in most relationships.
When my sons were young I put a great deal of emphasis on communication skills. This not only meant learning to be polite, but how to use words, how to stay calm, body language, and most importantly, listening skills. I am proud, and slightly biased, when I say they are pretty successful at these. I gave them tools on how to use them all, and tried to be a good role model, along with hubby. I remind everyone that sometimes being a good role model means failing and making mistakes. Being a bad role model means making the same mistake over and over again and not learning from it. Hubby and I like to learn. ;) So our life is ever changing, evolving and never dull. Our sons are pretty self assured despite failures. There is not regret for past mistakes or transgressions; if there is they have learned that regret means that something was left undone; so they get it done with in their time line.
It is all fine and good to want to make peace. We all want everyone to get along and be happy. But the reality of life is that there are a multitude of different people, ideas, cultures, faiths, opinions out there. Debate is wonderful. I love a truly great debate with someone I trust. Sharing ideas, differing opinions encourages wisdom. BUT sometimes we are faced with ideas, opinions that go against how we have defined our individual morals and values. And that is ok too.
I think many problems occur when society starts thinking, even believing that it is impossible for us to all get along unless we all truly understand each other to the point where we all must be thinking and believing the same way.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/understand?s=t
To understand someone means to basically listen with out biases and/prejudice while still holding on to your own beliefs/thoughts. This is possible; you just use your good listening skills and set boundaries for the relationship. No one has to be forced into a lifestyle that is not one of their choosing; or change has to be forced to change morals or values.
Speaking from experience it is possible to "get along" with persons who we think and feel are living an inauthentic life. Then my mind immediately goes to, "but who am I to judge inauthenticity?" See where I am going here?
In Buddhism the greatest challenge is learning and practicing compassion. Compassion isn't just looking at a homeless person on the street, feeling bad, and then giving them a buck. Compassion is the true understanding that everyone has different thoughts, feelings, opinions on life in general. It is understanding what promotes unnecessary suffering and knowing when you can and, more importantly, cant do something about it. Its the cant part that is tricky because choosing to do nothing also sometimes causes suffering. So it is important to meditate and try to see the bigger picture.
Choosing to do nothing goes against basic human nature. We see someone suffering, we know we can do something about it, we have the intelligence, wisdom, and means to do something about it, but is it always the compassionate thing to do? As a human development professional, retired social worker, and mom I can share that the need for independence in humans is great. When we learn something on our own from trial and error the internal motivator to have a success, or avoid failure, next time around is far greater than when someone jumps in , does it for us, or protects us from outcomes; either good or bad.
Choosing to do nothing sometimes is the braver more compassionate choice. It has a greater learning curve for everyone involved. It encourages trust and self confidence. For persons who have trust issues sometimes it is necessary to do nothing for them in order for them to trust not only themselves, but others intentions.
http://www.minuteofmindfulness.com/minutes/45-detachment-vs-non-attachment/
Doing nothing means not detaching from the situation to the point where more suffering occurs. It means not attaching to the idea that the only way something can and will be fixed is by your total immersion to the point of interference (almost addiction in appearance) into it. We can attach to a multitude of unhealthy things. Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, these are all obvious. The less obvious are ideas, perceptions, feelings. We tell ourselves that if only someone truly understood us, thought like us, believed like us, saw what we saw, the world would be a much better place. But how boring would it be?
Doing nothing means sitting back and watching your kid fail while standing behind them. Letting them know that you are there if they need you. Sometimes just listening and saying nothing. Letting them fail and learn from it. Doing nothing means sometimes not getting involved in the drama. It means not complaining about everything from a great vacation, to your wonderful kids, to your awesome devoted hubby of 30 something years. (that was a shout out to my wonderful hubby) Doing nothing means understanding that you cannot fix everything; trusting that the universe, and the people, in it are capable of learning, growing, and changing, and just letting it be. Doing nothing means having an understanding of human imperfections and being ok with them, even when they are your own.
Simply put doing nothing sometimes means trusting that everyone every where wants the same basic thing. To live in harmony. To be loved, understood, and accepted for who they are. Even the terrorist thinks that they are fulfilling that purpose. I agree its a bit twisted in thinking, and is not a route that I would take, but knowing that we are all basically on the same page brings me some peace.
Doing nothing means detaching from feelings and perceptions that are negative. Not attaching to unhealthy perceptions, well meant peace makers, and anything that may cause suffering. It means supporting love, kindness and compassion.
After a great deal of meditation on, and research on, the subject, because I am an over thinker and its what I do, I have come to a conclusion. It is a conclusion, I have been told, that sounds slightly vain. But I have also researched this perception and have drawn the conclusion that sometimes perception is enlightenment. Enlightenment should always be shared. http://www.dictionary.com/browse/enlightened?s=t The vain part is saying that I feel enlightened in this area now.
- We are human and subject to all the wonderful imperfections that go with being human. Just accept it.
- We can understand, even get along, but we don't have to agree. Just accept it.
- We all make mistakes; most of us learn from them in our own time. Learning is a choice. Accept it.
- Change is the one sure thing in life. Let it come at its own pace; don't force it. Accept it.
- Its ok to be compassionate from a distance. To understand what you are capable of doing and when. Even acknowledging that perhaps the best thing you can do is nothing. Accept it.
- Many things are beyond our control. We cannot change others perceptions we can only change our own. Accept it.
- The best way to ensure change is to be the change. Role model what you want to see. Give it time to take place.
https://www.lionsroar.com/what-are-the-four-noble-truths/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
https://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/karma.htm
https://tricycle.org/magazine/no-self-or-true-self/
http://www.aboutdharma.org/cherishing-others.php/
http://www.aboutdharma.org/what-is-compassion.php/
http://www.aboutdharma.org/index.php/
The real world is beyond our thoughts and ideas; we see it through the net of our desires, divided into pleasure and pain, right and wrong, inner and outer. To see the universe as it is, you must step beyond the net. It is not hard to do so, for the net is full of holes — Sri Nisargadatta
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