Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Season of Acceptance: Or the Eightfold Path

  
 
      


          It is the holiday season once again and, I'm going to say this pretty bluntly, the Christians come out enforce.  When I first was questioning my spirituality, and seriously thinking of switching my faith to Buddhism I found Christian Holidays suddenly confusing.  Especially Christmas. 
          One of the reasons I gravitated towards Buddhism is because the idea of alleviating suffering, and being kind, compassionate and giving was encouraged and supported as a lifestyle.  While my husband will argue that most faiths out there promote the same thing, Buddhism for some reason, spoke to me personally; I got it in the language used.  Which is what faith should mean for anyone.  It should speak to you as an individual and encourage some percentage of improvement in the way you choose to live, even if it is a small percentage.
         It is rare that I berate other faiths.  To tell you the truth I don't feel that I actually berate other faiths so much as berate some of the people who interpret them for their own selfish needs.  Which brings me back to the holiday season.   Around this time of year there are suddenly lots of posts on Facebook, basically sharing, complaining if you will, that people cannot say Merry Christmas anymore, that good Christians are "forced" to now say Happy Holidays.  I call shenanigans on this mind set and here is why.

  • ONE-  Most the people complaining don't attend church except on the holidays, and some not even then.  People who complain in this situation are the bad definition of being judgmental.  )see Absence of Judgment blog.)

  • TWO- Many of the complainers are male.  Which I find interesting actually.  Haven't figured out why this is, not sure it holds any relevance at all really.  But it is a fact based observation, make of it what you will.

  • THREE- ummm HELLO just because the constitution, and pledge of allegiance state "one nation under god" does not mean that everyone believes in God or should believe in God!  Shocking to many Christians I know, but that doesn't make some one less of a human being.  Just makes them of a different faith.  People of different faiths feel as strongly about their chosen spirituality as Christians do about theirs.  This is a commonality.

  • FOUR- It is polite to wish a Happy Holidays NOT Merry Christmas AND for the record to non Christians; if you want some one to respect your faith then it is appropriate, and respectful, to wish your Christian friends, relatives, etc. a Merry Christmas.  Fair is fair.  Can't complain, and advocate for recognition of your faith while using the same behavior you are trying to change.  Just sayin...

  • FIVE- What is needed is more awareness about each other, not complaining that once again no one lives, thinks, and breaths like you do.  sheesh....  Take the time to inform some one about your beliefs.  This does not mean that a conversion is needed.  What is needed is simply a conversation, an exchange of ideas ,beliefs, intellects.  Take the time to listen. 
          When I was in school I once found my self in a conversation with two fellow students concerning religion.  It started because one person simply asked me how, and why, I became Buddhist.  So I tried to briefly share my journey.  The other person, who was, and still is I assume, a Christian pastor, stood looking at me with a frown, that suggested confusion, and concern.  He stated that I don't believe in God, so how can I be saved?  How can I go to heaven?  I shared that in Buddhism the idea of heaven is Nirvana.  We reach Nirvana by trying to live to the best of our ability.  It was pointed out to me that this was unrealistic, that no one could live such a perfect life as to reach Nirvana.  I shared that this points out how we are all perfectly imperfect, to accept this fact, but to not let this distract us from always being kind to all always and do no harm.   Just because suffering is a fact and cannot ever be completely alleviated does not mean that we stop trying to alleviate it.
         Then he asked how do I get guidance, who do I answer to?  Everyone needs something greater then themselves to be accountable to.   I said simply, we have the Dharma which is the teaching of Buddha, and the Songka which is the Buddhist community. I also shared that in Christianity God is the light, in Buddhism I am the light.  I am accountable to me for my actions.  The motivator is how I feel when I choose to be kind, compassionate, and alleviate suffering.  I don't want to be accountable to some one else, or the idea of some one else; for me being accountable to me is more important.  I could see that he still thought I was misguided and needed Christ, but he was respectful and learned something that day.
         My husband who is accepting of my choices shared once that it made him sad that I would not meet him in heaven one day.  Hmmmm....I shared that if I thought that way I could choose to think that he would never reach Nirvana.  But I don't think faith, spirituality, religion, God, Buddha, Allah, the universe, science, our own minds, want us to use these values to separate us.  They all basically teach the same values the language is just a little different.  The commonality is that we all choose to have faith in something.  Not that we are all different and separated due to our faiths.  Using this mind set the end result is the same and there fore I believe we will all meet each other some where after life.

  • SIX- I use to get caught up in the spirit of Christmas, and still do to a certain extent.  I like decorating, even though I hate taking it all down.  I like giving gifts.  But now I try to give thoughtful gifts through out the year.  I take the time to give of myself.  I make sure that everyone in my life feels appreciated, loved, and valued.  Because of this mindset I have found my relationships to be much more meaningful, and authentic.

  • SEVEN- Speaking as a non-Christian I can share that the hardest thing to over come during the holidays is NOT people telling me Merry Christmas, I consider this a blessing.  It is some of my Christian friends/ acquaintance's feeling slighted, some how, because we didn't get them gifts and they got us one.
         It is the disappointment I feel for these people when they don't understand the idea behind gift giving associated with their spirituality, and understand even less the idea behind giving associated with my, and even my Catholic husbands chosen faiths.  To be honest I don't need gifts and am not insulted if I don't get one.  I provide myself with what I need to be happy.  More often then not I feel that I get gifts that have no thought behind them.  Its like the season of how much stuff can you accumulate and stuff, in my opinion, is highly overrated.
          Granted I have received some pretty thought out gifts in the past which I have greatly appreciated, but I truly have an issue with those people, and we all have had them in our lives, who just go out and buy something because it makes them look good, or worse they just grab what ever trying to get through the gift giving season as quickly as possible.  Seriously, what is the point?
          Some of the best gifts I have gotten?  Incense, which I use to meditate, a Sequoia tree seed, my favorite tree, old, ancient, towering regal giants who have stood the test of time, if they could speak to us what story's they would tell.  Books of all kinds.  Coffee mugs.  All of these given to me by people who truly know me and not a lot of money was spent.
         What I love accepting the most however is when some one just gives me a big hug and says Merry Christmas and takes the time to spend time with us.  Actually I prefer this which is why we have our annual Holiday gathering.  The point is that other people of other non-Christian faiths have a hard time understanding the huge level of apparent hypocrisy during the holiday season.  Why don't Christians spend more time during the year giving, showing appreciation, spending time with loved ones?  Why do so many people just run amuck during this one time of year?

  • EIGHT- Then it hits me...who cares really?  The point is that people are taking the time, even if it is only one time of the year for many people?  This is not a moral dilemma really and does not require anyone to judge intent.  The intent is good and that is all that matters.  In the spirit of giving some times giving means simply accepting.  And there it is.

        The Pith of the Matter.  It is not the season of giving, but the season of accepting.  If we assume that people strive on a daily basis to be kind, loving, compassionate and giving through out the year the holiday season teaches people how to accept these gifts.  Getting a gift that is not really needed is actually practicing to accept help that you possibly don't think you need at other times of your life.  It teaches us to be gracious, and accepting.  The holiday season teaches us to be gracious and accepting of all faith's during the holiday season because it is the season of acceptance, not giving.  Simple as that. ;) Namaste  Peace out
http://secularbuddhism.org/2013/05/03/what-is-the-eightfold-path/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Absence of Judgement



         I come from a family who is pretty judgmental.  Growing up I saw nothing wrong with scrutinizing how others chose to live.  The way people dressed, the way they kept their house, the wrong religion, lack of schooling, parenting, etc. etc.  I also tried to live a perfect life based on how I judged others.  Trying to keep a perfect house, raise perfect kids, and have the perfect marriage.  Trying to avoid judgment from others.  No surprise, this never happened.  What did happen was I became angry.  Angry at myself and then, inevitably, at my extended family once I learned that their expectations of me, and people in general, were, and still are, impossible.  I rebelled.  Not only did I stop interacting with many of my family member's, but I went on strike with my immediate family.  Deciding that trying to get them to live to my standards was impossible and they could just keep the house any damn way they wanted.  Living with a household of guys it wasn't pretty.  After awhile I came to my senses, sorted it all out, and found that from one extreme to the other their was a reasonable solution.  I would just do the best I could.  Simple as that. When I started doing this it was suddenly easy to have the same reasonable expectations for those around me. 
          Now I often find myself being judgmental of people who are judgmental.  This whole seemingly infinite circle got me to thinking, meditating, on the idea of being judgmental.  We all do it.  We judge ourselves, others, almost every thing that we look at daily, every minute of every day.  Its hard to get away from it.  It is, in my opinion, how we make decisions pertaining to right and wrong.  Which leads me to believe that perhaps we are suppose to be judgmental.  So how do we do this productively, compassionately, honestly?   Lets do a little being judgmental 101 shall we?
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgmental?s=t
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/judgmental
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgments?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/moral?s=t
          In a nut shell being judgmental implies that someone is speaking wisely on the benefits of using moral character.  Now this is where it becomes confusing for many people.  For instance I will use an obvious example here.  A person who is very passionate about religion.  The issue should not be whether someone is Christian or not, the issue should be whether or not some one has faith.  I personally believe that lack of faith is the moral issue. 
 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faith?s=t
          Faith does not focus on religion, or God, although it is defined here.  Faith tells us to trust something that we can't see, or touch.  Faith is believing that there is a better future.  Faith asks us to trust in something beyond ourselves. 
          Trust is knowing that things will turn out ok in the end, what ever, and when ever, the end is.  Faith could be God, it could also be Buddha, Allah, the universe, the earth, the stars, your own mind, science.  Faith is what ever any ones belief is; faith teaches us to trust in ourselves, our choices, and the unknown.  Both faith and trust are uncertain but require certainty.
          Another area that we use judgment on an almost daily basis is appearance.  We look at people and choose to instantly decide what kind of person they are based on how they dress, how clean they are, how bright their eyes are, if they are smiling or not, the color of their skin, what kind of car they drive, where they live, if their house is clean, are they married, have they ever been married, if so how many times, do they have children and how many, what is there extended family like, how many friends do they have, how many friends do they have on Facebook?  The list here is endless. 
          As a Social Worker part of my job was to pass judgment.  This isn't as hard as you think if you consider that they majority of people I came in contact with were in the system for a reason.  So standard rules for judging how someone is doing and whether or not they needed intervention were, and still are the following.  Cleanliness, of self, environment, and persons in the environment who are in the care of the person in question.  This has to be evaluated over a period of time.  Everyone has a bad day or two, geesh even a bad month or two.  Life sometimes requires us to set priorities and in my personal opinion keeping your house spotlessly clean is not at the top of the list if, for instance (and this is only one example), you have a loved one in the hospital that requires your love and support.  HOWEVER, if your house is falling apart because you can't get through a day with out popping a pain pill that you don't really need then there is a problem.   The only way to know how, and why, a person appears the way they do is to get to know them.  So that saying about first impressions is, frankly, full of shit.
          Another thing about appearances being deceiving.  There have been many instances where a  person, varying in ages, has been abducted and come to tragic end because they trusted how some one looked.  They judged that a police badge was authentic, a clown was fun and safe, etc.  How do we judge if what we are seeing is honest?  We take our time getting to know some one.  We teach that letting some one into the inner circle of our lives is earned through time. Judging someone based on the fact that they are clean, well dressed, etc. can also be dangerous.  There are many very successful business people out there who are technically sociopath's and narcissists.  We have trusted them with our money, the running of our country, many other very important aspects of life.  Learning to judge some one based on appearances can cause persons to make uninformed decision's.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sociopath?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/narcism
          Other things to consider when passing judgment.  Would you approve of someone hurting themselves? or others?  Would you sit back and say nothing while you watch a parent grab a child by the arm so harshly as to leave a bruise?  Would you sit back and say nothing to a treasured friend who is involved in a harmful abusive relationship?  Would you say nothing to your child about speeding tickets?  Would you keep quiet while watching a loved one spiral out of control due to substance abuse?  Would you ignore an adolescent who is cutting themselves?
          Being moral does not define the specifics of what being moral is.  Because technically it is an individual choice.  But I think there are some pretty clear cut moral choices.  Murder is wrong.  Child abuse/neglect is wrong.  Abuse/ neglect towards anyone is wrong.  Harmful behavior towards yourself or someone else is wrong.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abuse?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/neglect?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/harm?s=t
Is choosing not to judge actually being neglectful in some circumstances?
          Some people steal because they feel they have a right to.  A person who has worked diligently and loyally at a job for the same employer for 15 years leaves because they have received no promotions, or pay raises, and takes a company stapler with them.  Is this stealing?   How do we judge this situation?
          A wife leaves her husband with out notice not taking the kids with her.  How do we judge this situation? 
          A child is screaming his head off in Wal-Mart's.  How do we judge this?
          A friend has suddenly stop communicating with you.  Judge this?
          Your child's school performance is dropping.  Judge this.
          Your spouse has suddenly started coming home from work late with no explanation for why.  Interpret this.
          Every day we are faced with scenarios where we have to judge something or someone.  We get into trouble when we make snap judgments based on too little facts.  We don't take the time to talk to people. To observe, listen, etc.  Or instead we sit back and say its not my place to judge, or question something, or some body; even after we have taken the time to not make snap judgments.  We turn our back, walk away, and then wonder if we made the right choice.   We tell ourselves that it is not our job to question anyone else's choices concerning lifestyle.  So many of us are uninformed and confused about making judgment calls.  In my judgment there is clear cut boundaries for passing judgment. Only moral choices that cause harm to someone should be judged and intervened upon.  And then be prepared for the person you are judging to react negatively.  Which is why good judgment must be used.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lifestyle?s=t
         Many years ago I was with my sons hanging out somewhere, not going to share where.  One of the persons who we were hanging out with regularly was having difficulty's dealing with their child.  This person was a single parent and was harshly disciplining, using force, in front of the Social Worker...sigh.  Well I could have ignored it, I was told by a few people to do so.  I could have gone to the opposite extreme and just reported the parent in question.  For me, personally, both of these choices were poor judgment.  So one day, when the opportunity presented itself, I just gently spoke to this young, single, struggling, frustrated, unsupported, parent about how to manage the child better, and to appropriately discipline.  This person took some of my advice to heart, and the situation improved.  Was it 100% better?  No of course not.  But the point is it got better and that's all that matters.
          Over mine and hubby's life we have had many friends who have chosen to abuse some kind of substance, legal, and not so much.  Now I'm not talking about the friend who smokes a little weed, or has a glass of wine every night after work.  Or even the friend who is taking pain meds while still making every attempt to find other ways to deal with the pain.  I am talking about crack smoking, illegal pill popping, shooting up scenarios.   There has even been a friend with very severe over eating and obesity issues.
          We have never sat back and said, or done, nothing.  We know that making the choice to do nothing could be harmful.  We also know that saying/doing something could be harmful.  In the handful of people who we have politely, respectfully said something, it has been along the lines of, "We are concerned about your well being. We love you, we care about you, we want you in our lives for a long time. Please stop."  I cannot remember a time where we did not temporally loose a friendship.  Temporally being the operative word here.   A couple of people came and said thank you, you were some of the only people who spoke up and said you cared, it made a difference.  Only one is currently lost to us still.  This person has "friends" (and I use that word loosely) around that know there is a problem but continue to enable it by making excuses for her, ignoring the behavior, and even helping her out of bad situations that she has made due to her addiction; her spouse is among this group of people.  They feel that they shouldn't judge; in this circumstance it is doing harm, not only to our friend, but her children.
          I can honestly share that every single time we have spoke up it is hard.  Every single time it is painful.  Every single time we temporarily morn the loss of a friend and hope that they will return.  But every single time hubby and I have done this we do it with sound judgment.  In the end we know that we have done the right thing for the person in question.  We have never suggested that they would be better if they had religion, if they kept their house cleaner, if they ate better, exercised, etc.  It is just, "We love you, we care for you, and we are concerned for you." Which brings me to another aspect about passing judgments.
          Passing judgment on someone, or something, should never be selfish.  It is ultimately done for someone else's best interest.  This is why it is so hard to pass judgment on some one else's spirituality choices.  I know many people, sons included, who choose not to include religion into their life.  This does not make anyone any less of a person.  Even if some one seems lost, misdirected, and with out life goals it does not mean that the solution to their problems should be religion.  Many highly intelligent people find the idea of religion providing the opposite of what they need in life.  Perhaps the moral judgment here is to just be a good friend; support their decision, and just listen.
          Someone who is able to judge correctly is prepared for the consequences whether they are positive or not.  They will tell the truth as they see it with respect, kindness, politeness, and compassion, and then back away from it.  They will give time for the truth to settle in and process.  They first and for most understand that telling the truth does not mean it is some one else's truth.  Which is why when the truth is spoken it is based primarily on compassion and love for humanity in general.  Kindness to all always; do no harm.
          Being judgmental is not narrow minded it is in fact open minded to differences.  It is confident, self assured, and loving.  It is not fueled by discrimination, and/or prejudices.  But by the understanding that we are all different but all share some commonality's.  Good will and peace to all living things.  Its that simple.
          I believe that it is our job as living things that share space with each other to look out for each others well being.  Because when someone who is close to us, or even just an acquaintance, is struggling ultimately we all struggle.  We struggle with our feelings and thoughts on the difficult challenges anyone any where in the world deals with.  We feel for the women of other country's who have to endure horrifying abuse in the name of religion.  We are horrified when children in other country's starve to death simply because there is not enough food.  Or die because they don't have medication needed to survive due to the fact that pharmaceutical company's need them to be paid for instead of giving them away.  We are stunned watching our schools get shot up, or watching people we don't know on the other side of the world endure bombing's in their own neighborhoods.   We are confused when any atrocity takes place in the name of god and/ or religion.  We are saddened when war seems to be the only solution and life is the price that is paid for this solution. 
          The bottom line is this.  We feel intense emotion's over these clear cut moral dilemma's and this is the indicator to making logical, rational, intelligent, compassionate judgments!  Even anger can be considered appropriate if expressed appropriately.  I don't think that apathy towards clear cut moral dilemma's trickles down from our leaders.  I think it struggles to make it up stream, that is why all of these questions seem so difficult.  If all of us paid more attention to the day to day judgments we should be placing then perhaps some of these larger moral, world wide, dilemma's would go away.  Perhaps hunger wouldn't be as wide spread as it is.  May be medication's would be made more available where they would do the most good instead of being so much more available to persons who abuse them.  May be Americans wouldn't be viewed as puritanical hypocrites' forcing democracy all over the world.  And there it is passing judgment on someone indicates that there is some kind of moral superiority over someone else.  And really...who are we to judge under those circumstances.  There is a difference on how we choose to present our judgment calls.   There is a big difference between saying you need Democracy because it includes "one nation under God" and saying "one Nation under God means the freedom to practice your faith free from fear; we once were people who also were pushed out of a country due to spiritual choices, etc. we understand, and respect, diversity, welcome home."
          There is also a big difference between going around and pronouncing, lecturing, at the top of your lungs, as often as possible, to anyone who will, or even will not listen, what you think the world needs to be better.  pffft....Well of course if everyone was just like you there would be no problems at all.  Who would there be to think differently?  What fun that would be....sarcasm.  YES I was being judgmental there...
          The other day a loved one told me that I am a hypocrite.  That I preach all this stuff on not passing judgment, on being compassionate, kind, honest etc. and don't do it myself.  I said that he was absolutely right.  I am like everyone else on the face of the earth.  Perfectly imperfect and I have no illusions of being anything else.  BUT I also shared that I am continuously learning, trying, and sticking to my personal standards, more often than not judging myself first.  (Which is really what my blogging is all about in the end.) I do not go out on the streets in white robes trying to convert everyone I see to Buddhism, because I know not everyone wants to be Buddhist.  I do share, when asked, and some times when not asked, solutions to a problem as Buddhism teaches, but I try to do it in such a way that it is not what Buddhism teaches, but what man kind teaches from what ever faith perspective.   I continue to speak on honesty, kindness and compassion because it is something that I personally struggle with on a daily basis.  That is exactly what is suppose to happen!  I learn but speaking openly, honestly, respectfully, about what I judge on a daily basis.  I am not selfish, or vain enough to assume that I am the only one in the world who thinks like I do.  I put the stuff out into the universe hoping that anyone who reads it simply shares what I think and feel.  I know I'm no alone then. 
          It is not suppose to be easy to speak to anyone, whether it is a loved one or an acquaintance, on their possible abuse to themselves or someone else.  Dealing with anyone's suffering in life will cause more suffering, but not as much suffering if we made the decision to ignore it and walk away.  So maybe I am a little selfish in the fact that I don't like to suffer, or be the cause of suffering, so I look for ways to alleviate it if I can.
          I have a couple of friends who daily make decision to put others needs in front of their own.  They often ask why.  They wonder, like most of us, if they will leave this earth ever knowing if anything they did has made a difference.  I would like to say yes to them, but honestly, I can't.  The only way we can put this question to rest is to deal with passing judgments honestly and compassionately.  To except that we all posses hypocrisy, but to not let the fear of some one telling us that we are being hypocritical keep us from helping anyone else.  Being human means being imperfect, it means excepting and dealing with change. 
          Hubby and I have dear friends that we have known for well over a decade.  They are truly honest, well intentioned people; and I don't mean in the religious way.  They are just some of those rare good people who just help who ever they can.  They have never had a lot them selves.  They struggle to make ends meet, go with out, but can always find a way to give to others.  Recently their hearts have been broken by their child who has accused them of being hypocritical.  sigh...  These good people are suddenly questioning a lot of their past.  Did they do something wrong?  Could they have done something differently?  The mom, my friend was in tears; 26 years of her life's work, her heart and soul put into the raising of this child, shattered in one night. What's that saying about hindsight?  Their child was holding them emotional hostage just by basically shunning their advice, (which by the way was good, loving advice) following it with some really bad behavior, and an accusation of hypocrisy.
           Hypocrisy is the price we pay for the mistakes we have made in the past.  You cannot make changes in your life and not expect someone (usually your own children)  to look at you and say you are being a hypocrite.  You did it, so why can't I?  But here's the deal about that.  We, as parents, get to make this judgment call now on something you are doing because we were there once ourselves.  "I once was and addict, I once used abusive behavior, etc etc.  I no longer do, I have learned from my mistakes, I have changed." 
          We will all be a hypocrite at some point in our lives.  And to those children who seem to think that they gain power by yelling at their parents and choose to attempt to bully their parents in believing that they have no right to speak to them about harmful life choices they are making I say this.  Make your own mistakes, because when you tell us that we are being hypocrites when we point out to you that we are concerned for your well being you are not understanding something.  YOU are the hypocrite. 
          We learned and moved on from our mistakes.  You are choosing to take our experience and not only repeat it, but disrespect our learning experience which was meant to not only make us better people, but to help you be a better person too.  If you are repeating one of our mistakes then you must think an awful lot of us, and our life, and there for you are not in a position to treat us with such disrespect.  Under these circumstances we have earned the right to pass judgment.  Now it is reasonable for you to point out that your same experience may turn out differently, this is appropriate, UNLESS, it has to do with something like abusive behavior, neglect, drugs, etc.   In which case you will be judged.  So if your parent is judging you perhaps it is for a very good reason.  Just sayin.....
          To my fellow parents I share this.  Pass judgment with love, compassion, honesty and respect.  My husband and I have wondered if many of the fuck ups we made, as very young, inexperienced, parents left lasting impressions that our sons weren't even aware of.  Some of the language, and behavior, our sons use are very much like ours...humbling really.  With this realization we had three choices, one-ignore the language/behavior and hope they would learn on their own, like we did.  Two- come down heavy on them screaming and yelling and lecturing.  OR the third option, remembering how hard it was for hubby and I to figure it all out on out own with no adult guidance, discussing options, researching information, coming to a conclusion that works for our family and then honestly, briefly, explaining options/tools for success.  When confronted with a rebellious young adult who is screaming "HYPOCRIT" we calmly replied using our whisper voice, "Make your own fricken mistakes if you don't want us sharing what we learned."  We looked them confidently straight in the eyes with a calm face. Then we sat back and watched them while that statement sunk in.  ;)
          Here's the Pith of the Matter.  Once again I maintain that we are all perfectly imperfect.  We all do the best with what we know and have at any given moment of our lives.  And I choose to believe that the majority of us want to work from a place of love, kindness and compassion.  With that judgment being made I choose to point this out.  Choosing to be neutral, to do nothing, because you may be perceived as judgmental, or as a hypocrite, is actually siding with the dark side.  We judge to be the light.  To teach, to support, to show love, concern, and respect.  To protect.  It is choosing to do our best with what we know and are given at that particular moment. Namaste  Peace out
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Passing-Judgement
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/pass-judgement
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/am-i-right/201207/five-steps-better-ethical-decision-making
http://www.buddhanet.net/fundbud6.htm
http://www.patheos.com/Library/Buddhism/Ethics-Morality-Community/Principles-of-Moral-Thought-and-Action.html

Margaret Mead
“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
Margaret Mead
Elizabeth Gaskell
“How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly.”
Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters
tags: evil, judgement, right
Ashly Lorenzana
“No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it. It's very easy to judge someone else's actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes. But we only know what we THINK we would do, not what we WOULD do.”
Ashly Lorenzana

Monday, September 29, 2014

I Love: To my husband on our 30th anniversary



I love that when I put my head on your chest it makes me feel strong and calm.
I love that you still know how to make me laugh a really good belly laugh.
I love that you know how to make me cry.
I love that you know how to make me stop crying.
I love that you will grab my hand when we are out in public with out thinking.
I love how when you know when to rock me while holding me.
I love how you think I'm sexy when I'm cooking
I love that you think I'm sexy when I think I look my worst.
I love how you still cant keep your hands off of me
I love how your eyes light up when I'm talking about something that you never thought of. (and didn't really care about until I started talking about it.)
I love how you look at me when I'm painting.
I love how you don't have to think twice about telling some one to fuck off because you don't like the way they treat me or our family.
I love how you let me paint our house with color.
I love that you let me keep pets...lots and lots of pets...
I love that you like me to keep my hair long
I love that it really doesn't matter to you if I'm not a size 9 anymore
I love that you take care of my car for me because you know I like speed as much as you do.
I love that we don't agree on politics.
I love that you respect my spirituality even though its not the same as yours.
I love how you have given me everything I've ever needed even when it was something I didn't know I wanted.
I love that you will watch endless musicals and John Wayne movies over an over again.
I love that you keep a pool for me because I love water but not bath tubs.
I love that you know where all my laugh lines come from.
I love that I know where all of yours have come from.
I love that you keep a beard for me even though it makes your face itch.
I love your mustache rides.
I love that we keep different sleep schedules but can still coexist.
I love that you will antique shop with me
I love that you will go to book stores with me and head straight to the magazine section
I love that you appreciate my wide musical taste even if you don't appreciate all my music
I love that you hold me mostly responsible for how great our sons turned out as adults.
I love that we have a huge garden and that you will help me maintain it even though gardening isn't your thing.
I love that I would never have learned to ride a motorcycle if it wernt for you.
I love that we have grown up together.
I love that we have been young and young at heart together.
I love that I have seen so much of the world thanks to you.
I love that I am a braver more confident person thanks to you.
I love that life, everything, and everyone, in it is better because of your love.
Happy anniversary love of my life.
I love you.

"Being loved be someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu
 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Im With Stupid

         





          What is it lately with all of these Facebook posts, and pics, that state, more or less, that stupid people should be shot, hit over the head with a two by four, tarred and feathered, ignored, pointed at in public and/or mocked openly, and generally mistreated, and abused?

Photo

Photo

Photo



+
         This is just a short list of some of the pics that I have seen lately. Don't misunderstand. I'm not with out humor.  Some of it is funny!  ;)  But I think its getting a bit out of hand.  These posts are being used, in my opinion, by people who are well...stupid and can't see that by telling others of  stupidity that they are actually being perceived as ignorant.  Its all just...stupid. 
          Stupidity continues because we let it.  I have decided to not be one of the masses of mindless people that propagate ignorance.  I am here to shout, "STUPID PEOPLE OF THE WORLD UNITE!"  Or something to that extent anyways.  ;P 

stupid



[stoo-pid, styoo‐]
adjective, stupider, stupidest.
1.
lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2.
characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless:
a stupid question.
3.
tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless:
a stupid party.
4.
annoying or irritating; troublesome:
Turn off that stupid radio.
5.
in a state of stupor; stupefied:
stupid from fatigue.
6.
Slang. excellent; terrific.
noun
7.
Informal. a stupid person.
 
          Telling someone they're stupid covers all kinds of controversy's.  Your stupid if you misuse comma's.  Your stupid if you don't understand a joke.  Your stupid if your uninformed about...anything really.  Your especially stupid if you think your informed and are misinformed.  Don't watch the news? You got it, stupid. Your stupid if you don't buy American.  Stupid if you only buy American.  Stupid if you own a gun, or don't own one.  Stupid if you voted for Obama.  Stupid if you didn't.  Stupid if your Republican, Democrat, Liberal, or anything else.  Your stupid if your not someone else's religion.  Others are stupid if they're not yours.  Everyone of any color is stupid if they're not the color of the person who says your stupid.  Over 21?  Stupid.  Under 21? Stupid.  On food stamps?  Stupid.  Work for a living and only get minimum wage?  Stupid.  No college degree?  Stupid.  Only an Associate's you say?  Stupid.  Never got a high school diploma?  Stupid.  GED?  Stupid.  Seriously I could go on and on and on.  The scenarios for being stupid these days is...stupid.   Stupidity sure is receiving a lot of attention lately.  Or is it ignorance?  Sorry I'm stupid...
          To my way of thinking stupidity is, in most instances, a matter of perspective.  What I perceive as being stupid might, and usually does, make perfect sense to some one else.  Perhaps the confusion lies in the definition of stupid itself? If you take the time to read through the definition's on stupid, you will find that, technically, if someone accuses another of being stupid, then perhaps, the person accusing another, or others, of stupidity is worse then stupid?
           Stupid does not imply a lack of education, wisdom, or understanding.  It implies that some one is slow to understand, dull, foolish, does not understand, or maybe is just confused all together.  Lacks wisdom perhaps?  Does it mean that someone is incapable of understanding?  No. So the person who accuses others of being stupid could also be perceived as being stupid by the person or persons who are being called stupid.  May be stupid should be called ignorant instead? OR perhaps stupid is the new noob?

1.
a newbie, especially a person who is new to an online community and whose online participation and interactions display a lack of skill or knowledge:

          Here's another thought about being stupid!  I once asked someone how they were doing and they said,"well that was a stupid question."  HUH?!?  WTF?!?  When did asking about someone's well being become stupid? Ok I know your down in the dumps, and not feeling so well, but would you have been happier if I came straight out and said, "I really don't give a fuck how you feel but politeness, society, and respect, mostly for myself, and humankind in general, deems that I ask.  Sure I could choose not too but then I think you would still call me stupid for not asking.  So I choose to do the right thing, as I see it, and stupidly ask, how are you."  Stupid...
           OR Buddha forgive you ask someone to explain something to you, like their culture, or religion, or politics.  Watch out!  Most questions along those lines are just stupid, worse than that, depending on the stupid person you are asking, they could also be perceived as...wait for it... racist.  (You thought I was going to say stupid didn't you.) Sigh...  You know sometimes I long for the days where thinking about what we said was easier and not so..stupid.  A lot more seemed to have gotten communicated. Presently if you don't use the right language then you are perceived as stupid.
          Something else I've noticed. The older I get the stupider I get.  The information is still there but sometimes getting to it takes time.  It becomes harder and harder to draw upon short term memory.  Its sad really.  And...yes...stupid.
           What's even sadder is the amount of people who have no tolerance for stupidity but are willing to perpetuate ignorance using Facebook posts, and pics, when they could very simply communicate knowledge and/or wisdom.  While there may be a lot of stupid people out there ignorance is most certainly one of the easiest to cure handicaps.  Why get involved though right?  Its just...stupid. Much stupider to sit back, and bully, and mock stupid people.  Once again I have to point out and ask...is my definition of stupid the same as yours?  Perspective.
          What the heck happened to tolerance?  Kindness? Compassion?  Either someone is ignorant because they don't know any better in which case all it takes is some time, patience, kindness, compassion, and understanding to teach them.  Has communication among humans diminished to the point where a Facebook pic holds more sway over public opinion then the truth? Perhaps someone really cannot help their stupidity in which case you bullying them doesn't help.  It just makes you look... ignorant.  So we not only post pics and information against bullying, but on the exact same page will post a pic about stupidity.  Seriously?  Stupid....
          Our nation already admits to poverty, lack of education, over use, and misuse of medications, bad diets, lack of exercise, just to name a few, all of which contribute to...stupidity.  An awful large number of society out there just doing what they are told; staying on those stupid food stamps, settling for crappy education, and minimum wage. (Sarcasm)  And some of you stupid people out there propagate this with your stupid posts.  tsk tsk tsk  Harsh?  Perhaps.  And not very kind or compassionate either perhaps.  But honest.  And honesty is compassion where it matters most.  Not everyone has a computer at their disposal.  Who is more stupid?  The person who doesn't have mass communication at their finger tips; unaware of the stupidity?  Or someone who has a computer at their disposal and stupidly misuses it?  Ahhh Facebook...stupid.
          The Pith of the Matter is this.  If you research "stupid" there are actually a few thought provoking quotes out there.  Einstien, Oscar Wilde, J.K. Rollings, to name a few.  Intellegent quotes made by intelligent people.  Its Facebook that has, once again, encouraged, supported, and taught people that its ok to discriminate against stupidity.  (Facebook and a couple of politicians eager to gain your vote.)  And make no if ands or buts about it; it is discrimination.  For all of you who get on the stupid ride of stupidity remember, you are promoting, supporting and subscribing to a mass media, monitored, and supported, by persons, and organizations, who's agenda's are to make you think the way they want you to think. Conformity. Advertising. Politics. Its...stupid.  Understand yet?  Or do you need more time to not be so...stupid? Its ok I can wait...I'm stupid too.
          Now go back and read this using definition #6 where ever you read "stupid".  How does this sound to you now?  Perspective. Namaste  Peace out

Jane Austen
“Mary wished to say something very sensible, but knew not how.”
Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
 
Oscar Wilde
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

J.K. Rowling
“Honestly, if you were any slower, you’d be going backward.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Parent Handbook: or The Book of Love

        


          A couple times a year I have a conversation with one of my sons that goes something like this.
Me, "You can't do that, its wrong, and you are hurting someone you love."
Son, "Why not, you and dad did it." 
Me, "Yes, you are right, but we learned from our mistakes, and changed." 
Son, "Well then let me learn too." 
Me, "Uh helloooo you are learning right now.  I'm trying to teach you something. I am your mom.  You get something from me that I never had, the benefit of my wisdom based on my experience.  I didn't have some one guiding me like this, so, as your mom, if I can save you some of the pain, and hardship, that I went through I will."
Son, "Mom I'm a man now, I can take care of myself." 
Me, "That's not what this is about, I know you can take care of yourself and I'm very proud of you but, you will always be my son and, granted, while there is much of life that I trust you can take care of on your own there will always be something that I can help you with; once you are a parent you will understand." 
Son,"...sigh."  (sometimes a roll of the eyes.)
Me, "Look make your own mistakes don't repeat mine and your dads that's all I'm saying.  And..."
Son, "yes" said with exasperation and impatience.
Me, "Its in the Parent Handbook."
Son, silence but I can hear the thought process taking place,"...ok."

Prologue:  (Found on the inside cover.)         
           Dear Parents to Be:  Lets face it. Most of us have kids because we love the person we are with and want to create more like him, or her.  We want a family.  We don't want to be alone.  We want to know that our life had, or has, meaning.  We want to know that some one was a witness to our lives and that our life is appreciated, even valued.  We want someone to acknowledge, and talk about, to others, what our life meant, and means.  We want someone to feel pride in our achievement's, and love us because of them.  With that said most of us, however, don't bargain for, someone telling us, almost our whole life, how to, well...deal with life.  OR having to tell some one else, almost our whole life, how to, well...deal with life.  Its usually considered interfering, or butting in, or...what ever.  When you choose to be a parent, (and all of us have parents,) "interfering", from time to time, is expected; it is the parent Handbook.

          The Parent Handbook is that invisible, but ever present, instruction manual that hubby and I verbally whip out from time to time.  Only we, and other parents, can see it; a child has never viewed, or read, this important text.  We have always told our sons that it was given to us at prenatal class when I was pregnant with our eldest son.  When our sons hear, "Its in the parent handbook." it means we don't have a choice about what ever we are about to do.  This phrase has covered things like the who, what, where, and when rule, brushing your teeth, changing your socks, giving me a hug, coming home on Sundays for family dinner, and anything else that we insist on them doing for their own good.  You know the, "its for your own good" thing that we say because what we want them to do is hard to explain to them, they have to experience it for awhile to understand why exactly its for their own good. ;) 
          The thing about the parenting manual is, it comes blank, like a journal. Chapters coincide with age.  Each parent writes in what they find works for them and their particular family/child(ren), but in mine and hubby's experience the parenting handbook has been invaluable.  FYI the parent handbook is a family tradition, my father had one also.  The following are journal entry's made mostly by me, but with hubby's ever present input.  I share now that our sons are adults because I want them to know that even though they are independent, successful adults the parent handbook still exists.

Chapter 1:
          Parenting is a life long adventure.  Something to not be taken lightly.  It never ends.  A parent is a life long teacher and role model.  It is the greatest career anyone could hope for.
From Chapter 13:
            Of all the stages/phases of parenting, adolescence, and adulthood, are the hardest to parent your child thorough.  The reason being, mainly, is your never quite sure how, or when to parent your blossoming adults, or adult children.  This will not deter me from my goal however.
From Adolescent Glossary: 
          First lets understand exactly what parenting is.  Parenting is defined as the rearing of children, the methods, techniques, etc., used, or required, in the rearing of children; the state of being a parent.  A parent is a father, or a mother, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor, a care giver, a teacher, a role model.  A source, origin, or cause. A protector or guardian.  I'm going to add one more definition of note. 
          Rearing; to take care of, and support up to maturity.  To breed, and raise, to raise by building; erect. To raise to an upright position.  To lift or hold up; elevate; raise.
          Child is defined as a son or daughter, a person between birth and full growth, a boy or girl, a baby or infant, a childish person.
          Maturity is the state of being mature, ripeness, full development, perfected condition, the state of being due, the time when a note or bill of exchange becomes due.
          Most people will read these definition's and, perhaps, assume that once a child has been raised to maturity the parenting job is done at adolescence.  Adolescence however is defined as the transitional period between puberty and adulthood in human development, extending mainly over the teen years and terminating legally when the age of majority is reached; youth.  The process or state of growing to maturity.  A period or stage of development, as or a society, preceding maturity.
          Chapter 13:
          Western civilization/culture is guilty of thinking that we don't need to guide our children through the last 3/4 of their lives.  Thanks to laws that state a child at 13 is considered to be able to think, and act, on their own, to understand their consequences; at 15 they don't need to share personal information concerning their health etc., (so your daughter can be on birth control with out your knowledge, or your son can take a piss test, and flunk it).  At 18 years of age they can vote, join any military service, and get married with out your permission; there fore, basically making, and participating in, some pretty big adult/mature decisions.  At 21 society gives them permission to drink.  We assume that all the knowledge for dealing with these decisions comes naturally, because the law in its never ending, ever guiding, superior intelligence, says it must be so. I think we forget that these laws were put into place by certain people in positions of power, and control, to ensure that they cannot be held responsible for an adolescents choice.  These laws do not, however, omit the responsibility of the parent.  Parents feel, and receive the fall out, from the decisions of their adolescent child, and even adult children, for as long as they are alive.  Even when you, as a parent, consciously make the choice to set boundaries for your adult child to protect yourself, and them, you will still "feel" consequences. 
          The fact is that very few children are getting the tools to make informed decisions for any of these milestones.  In foster care in the United States the system begins preparing a child of 13 to age out of the system.  They learn to cook, clean, get a job, further their education, etc. with out the help of a family.  Many kids do not succeed; mainly because the support of the government does not give them the emotional support necessary for everyone to be successful.  The government tells Social Workers not to get emotionally involved with their clients, but I believe that in order to be a success in social work, to truly make a difference, you have to open yourself personally.  Let the person you are working with know that they do make a difference to you.  There is someone out there who cares what happens to them.  Cares how they feel.  Adolescents  who have family's already have an important tool to their success, you, the parent, the caregiver, the role model.  Still many of the children struggle with adulthood.  Why?  Why do we so easily give up on our adolescents and young adults?  Hubby and I have chosen to never give up.
          Chapter 15:
           Lets face it adolescents, and young adults, are great at making conflict.  This is not a bad thing really.  Sometimes through conflict comes our greatest learning experiences.  Relationships in general are steeped in conflict.  How many people can you think of in your life right now whom you have never experience any conflict with?  I can't think of any in mine.  But I personally value the relationships whom I have the most conflict with, the ones I have to work at the most.  In this circle I include a couple of friends, my husband, my sister, and my sons, all of whom are adults now.  It is difficult, however, to maintain relationships knowing that there will be conflict from time to time.  It is this knowledge that prepares you to parent your adult child.  Never stop teaching them how to sustain adult relationships.  This is a never ending learning experience for everyone no matter how old you are.
Chapter 26:
          We role model through out our lives how to maintain healthy relationships.  We do this through interacting with family, friends, and our significant others.  This can be done whether you are married or not.  It is completely appropriate to teach your child that you can co-parent maturely and not be married.  There are many successful family's out their where marriage does not play a part in parenting, or role modeling appropriate behavior when interacting with other people. 
          I watched a documentary the other day where a wedding photographer went back and revisited some of his favorite weddings.  He wanted to know why people choose to marry, and then stay married, or, get divorced.  A couple story's stood out to me.  One was a couple who had been married for 13 years, had three daughters ages varying from about 8 to 13.  They had never been married.
          At the beginning of their relationship they made a verbal commitment to each other in front of everyone they loved.  They didn't have a piece of paper, a contract, a marriage license, other than verbally.  A kiss sealed the deal.  Under great adversity they made this decision.  The couple shared that through their 13 years together they have heard from many people, family, friends, strangers, that they should get married, or were asked, "why didn't they get married."  They shared that they felt that their relationship was strong enough to not need a piece of paper to hold it together.  They felt that the marriage contract was demeaning to a female, and there for the relationship as a whole.  It was antiquated.
         Watching them interact with each other, and their daughters, it was hard to argue that reasoning, they all seemed very confident and happy.  They were the last story in this documentary; they were finally getting married, for legal reasons, AND because their daughters were starting to be ridiculed by friends for their parents not being married.  They were tossed about the marriage decision and justified it, mainly, for legal reasons.
           I'm personally not for getting married because society, the norm, says we should.  I am also not for needing a piece of paper to prove our commitment to each other.  I think those are both wrong reasons to get married and, or, stay married.  In role modeling to our children healthy relationships I think love should be the reason to stay together, not a piece of paper, or because its what everyone else is doing, or because we get tax breaks.  That most certainly will send the wrong message to your child(ren). 
          This is where it gets interesting for me.  The government in its never ending wisdom to run and organize our society basically tells us that if you get married we will give you a break financially.  If you have children we will give you more.  So marriage ends up having an element of business to it.  Which is also not such a bad thing.   In my experience of 30+ years with hubby I can honestly say there have been times where it benefited our family to look at,  and deal with, things from a purely business stand point.  Finances are an excellent example of this.  Moving to another state because of a job offer is another example.
           If you deal with money from a solely emotional point of view I guarantee you will save no money.  HOWEVER, if you think about the future, the goals you want to set for the future as a couple, and individual, you can still insert some personal, emotional, perspective into the business of finances into your family.   The bottom line is, as far as involving yourself into the governments point of view of getting married, running a family, and how it benefits society, is it is up to you.  How much does money mean to you?  How much do you need to be happy? What and how do you want to teach your children about this aspect of marriage and family?
 
Chapter 4:
          How does spirituality effect marriage and family?  Some religions promote marriage very sternly, giving little to no choice about their views and opinions on marriage.  In Buddhism their really isn't anything that specifically speaks of marriage, marriage is covered under treating everyone with kindness always.  But Buddhists do get married.  Many Christian religions promote marriage, encourage it, support it, have rules concerning it, and even make it hard for you to participate in their religion if you find that the marriage is causing more harm then good and you have opted to end the marriage.
          Hubby and I were married in a Catholic church; before getting married we were required to go to marriage classes which were given by very active Catholics who had been married for at least 10 years.  We also had to go talk to a priest about marriage for a bit.  Now I get the mind set behind all this.  The church really just wants to make sure that who ever engages in marriage understands that it is a life long commitment not to be taken lightly but reverently.  But I'm not quite sure they go about it the right way.  First of all no one can really give you all the tools you will need to deal with life; most of that comes from experience, and trial, and error.
          Second of all some religions don't take individual assessment into account.  Meaning they don't really consider all the differences in family's.  Many church's have expectations for people to live, or strive to live, the same exact way.  Family's, and marriages, who do not meet this norm are not included into the main fray of the church.  So what do the children who are watching learn?  That the God of the religion, and church, their family subscribes to demands more then is humanly possible?  Perhaps. 
          Adolescents and young adults are very focused on hypocrisy, the fairness of any given situation.  It doesn't help to tell them that life isn't fair.  This statement just deflates their confidence and makes many of them rebellious.  What is useful is teaching them that it is appropriate to question ideas, make mistakes, and set their own individual goals.  Spirituality is necessary; religion, even a church is not.  A mature adult can be very spiritual, and allow spirituality to guide them to make good moral decisions of value with out having religion and, or a church to back them up.  There are most certainly religions and church's of value out there, but they are not the only options to spirituality in  a persons life.
 
Chapter 17:
          Isn't the true meaning of life love?  This seems very idealistic though doesn't it?  As mature humans we understand that love fades...or does it?  I remember one of the best pieces of advice my mother ever gave me.  You can always love someone, but you won't always like them.
          I think not understanding the difference between like, and love, is what messes people up.   Love includes a profoundly tender, passionate, almost spiritual affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment, or deep affection, sexual passion, or desire.  Yes I include passion, while passion should not be the sole reason for a relationship I firmly believes that it is a driving force in supporting a relationship.  Love includes deep core feelings.
          Like is of the same form, appearance, kind, character, amount, etc.  You agree in general.  Ever notice how when a couple has been together for a period of time they begin to resemble each other?  Opposites do attract, hubby and I do not agree on a lot, but we do agree on the important stuff, we have commonality's.  We have had instances where we don't like each other much for one reason or another, but the love, the passion felt for each other has never diminished.
         I think true love has some physical attraction to it.   The smell of the person appeals to us, their eyes see to our soul, when we touch them we feel whole, when they touch us we tingle.  Is this enough however to sustain a relationship?  We are dear friends with many whom we don't feel a physical attachment to.  Or do we?
Chapter 6:
          My sister, who I consider to be my best friend, is like me physically, emotional and, mentally more than anyone I know, even my husband.  She and I share many things that we don't share with others.  BUT I am still very close with my husband in a different way.  We share love, family, and aspects of life that only he, and I, have shared.  I have friends whom I only share certain aspects of life with.  All these people are valuable to me. There is an intellectual, and emotional, side to sustaining relationships also.  We have to think about who we are with, why they are important to us and, what we bring to each others lives.
         Even when we have to interact with people who don't play an important part in our lives we are still teaching our children something.  Yes, I may not be married to this person anymore, but they are still your parent and I wouldn't have you with out them;  that is an important fact, so for no other reason than that I will treat them with respect for your sake.  AND I will not allow them to disrespect you or me in the meantime. Being able to juggle this idea effectively role models important information to our children.
Chapter 26:
        The second person in the documentary was a divorced male.  His ex-wife didn't want to participate in the documentary.  The man went on and on about being in different places in their lives, how he felt she was not progressing, or changing; he was moving forward she was not.  Bleh...wiping off monitor.   The one surety in life is that things will change.  People will change.  If someone refuses to change all you have to do is wait long enough, the universe has a way of making us do what it needs us to do. 
          Everyone changes at their own pace however, and if you are unwilling to be patient with this, and supportive, then you are setting yourself, and the other person, up for failure.  I personally feel that there are very few deal breakers in marriage.  Abuse, serial infidelity, severe neglect are most certainly deal breakers.  Most everything else is, and can be, negotiated.  Which brings us back to the business of relationships.
Chapter 17:
          My husband and I do not, by far, have a very business like marriage.  We are in fact quite passionate about each other.  When we argue we do it whole heartedly.  We are both independent, will full, strong minded people with very different view points on quite a few subjects.  We feel deeply about our individual morals and values, but it is these traits that sustain our love and respect for each other.  Because of that love and respect we have learned that sometimes, for the health and well being of our relationship, and individuals selves, it pays to discuss things from a business stand point.  I truly believe that it is for this reason that we have been together for so long, and continue to make a life long commitment to each other.  We choose not to behave selfishly in matters that concern the whole.
Chapter 3:
          Children sometimes learn not only what they are suppose to do from us but what they are not suppose to do.  This is why they get two parents and a host of other role models.  It is our job as parents to help them maneuver what they should learn and how to go about applying it to their life.  You do this NOT by giving them all the answers, but, by gently helping them maneuver to the answers that are right for them. Then you stand back and let them try it out.  Yes they will make mistakes, even fail sometimes, but it is how they learn.  The older they get the more it is your job to stand back and observe, and wait.  This is hard.  Knowing when to intervene to step in.  Adult children are more often then not very receptive to what they perceive as interference.  Realistically sometimes it is interference.  How do you know then?  When you should step in, or when it is interfering?
Chapter 1:
           When we become parents we make the silent commitment, to always be there no matter what.  Every decision we make concerning our children should be made with thoughtful planning.  This does not mean planning out their life however.  We don't get to decide their career, the education they receive as adults, the person they want to spend their life with, how they choose to raise and care fore their family, or even if they choose to have a family.  We interfere when we know they are repeating our mistakes or engaging in harmful behavior.
Chapter 19:
          Choosing to distance yourself, or detach from, your child because he/she is engaging in addictive behavior is sometimes a healthy, logical, and necessary choice to bring about and support healthy choices for them.  By not putting up with their bad behavior, or destructive choices, you are saying that you will not support, or engage in, something that is doing them, and others harm.  You don't give them money, you don't let them share your space, you don't let them bring home acquaintances/friends of theirs that are sharing the bad behavior/choices.  This is very hard to do.  Every ounce of your being wants to protect them, to get them out of the bad place they are in, BUT as an adult it is your job to now role model that it is appropriate to not surround yourself with people who are harmful and, or, destructive to themselves, or others.  You do this with love and compassion; do not let your hurt, and anger, your doubt cloud the true intent of this hard decision.   This is teaching your child how to interfere with love and intent.
Chapter 28:
         We have decided to intervene and step in to our adult sons lives when we see them repeating our mistakes, ones that we have learned from.  I believe that when we want better for our children this does not mean more cars, bigger houses, more money, more stuff.  It means more confidence, not having to repeat the mistakes your parents made.  The boys can make their own mistakes, not repeat mine or husbands.  I wonder though why, more often then not, as parents do so many adults sit back and watch their kids make the same damn mistakes and choose to do nothing thinking that its not our place; we learned, so will they.  What if we can give them the benefit of our experience so their life is a little better?  This is what life is about, helping others.
Chapter 21:
          This is Karma.  Mine.  If I choose to do nothing I am not being true to myself.  I believe we are all here not to acquire stuff, but to help each other.  I love my sons I will help them when ever I can.  This is how I will truly know if my life was of value.  Did they learn from mine and hubby's mistakes?  What did they learn from us?
Chapter 27:
          I call my married son sometimes and tell him the bad behavior he is using is learned from his dad, or I, and that he is not us and should figure out something different.  Then I ask do you want help figuring it out?  He usually says no and understands.  I notice that his brother doesn't seem to need us in this area as much; perhaps his brother is a role model for him?  I remember when my father use to tell me that my brothers and sisters were watching me and that I needed to be a good role model for them.  In my head I thought, "But who is the role model for me?"  I wonder if our son feels that way about his younger brother and us?  Then I realize that hubby, and I, don't leave the parenting of our younger son up to his big brother.  We are involved and treat them as individuals.  We have always told them that we love them each as much, but differently because they are different people.  I truly don't have a favorite.  Their accomplishments are different, but I have the same level of pride, and love, in everyone of their individual accomplishments.
Chapter 2:
          Husband and I expect, and encourage individuality, in our sons.  Are we aware that certain family traits will be carried from generation to generation?  Of course.  But we want to leave a legacy of goodness behind us.
Chapter 15:
          As a social worker I am very aware of how patterns of abuse are passed through family's.  Patterns of victimization, poverty, lack of education etc.  Because many family's choose to let it continue to perpetuate.  They either choose not to learn to do something differently, or they choose not to help those who come after them do something differently.  Its what they are use to, its their comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional and harmful it may be.  It takes an exceptionally strong, independent person to change their Karma, and may be even someone else's.  To not reincarnate what has gone before.
Conclusion:
          I remember a wise person telling me when our first son was born that you never stop being a parent.  In my lack of experience, and being only 24, fresh out of adolescence, I rolled my eyes, thinking, foolishly, that of course you do.  I don't need my parents anymore. Well... my mother had passed away 4 years prior, and by the time I was 30 my father would be gone also.  They missed many milestones in my life.  At age 24 I didn't know, or perhaps ignored, how not having parents would play out in my life.  It wouldn't be until I was 30 and at the birth of my second son that I would realize what a gift having parents is.  My mother never saw me married, or met any of my sons.  My youngest didn't know his grandparents at all on my side of the family.  Something he says he didn't miss, how can you miss something you never had? 
          Often, even though my parents were neglectful, and I had an abusive mother, I wondered, and still wonder, if that would have changed, as it often does, and would they have been great grandparents?   Providing me with the support, and guidance, I often missed, and needed, in adult life.  I hope our sons never have to feel this loss, this confusion, this hardship, and it has been hard sometimes. 
          It is hard knowing what to do with out anyone there to help you sort out the answers.  This is something I can spare our sons, and hubby and I have decided to do so for as long as the universe allows us to do so.  Hubby had very hands off parents.  His father was a severe alcoholic who was never present even when they were in the same room. His mother was not really adept at parenting on her own and made the decision to immerse herself in religion to serve, and ease, her own feelings of neglect; ignoring those of her son.  So hubby and I learned together. 
          Through this journey we were able to, thankfully, distinguish when to interfere in our sons lives, and when to let them figure it out on their own.  Hubby and I are better people for not having family to help us sometimes, but sometimes I think, and feel, how wonderful it would have been to have my mom put my wedding veil on, or my dad share the pride of our youngest who is so goal orientated and driven in his career, something that he most certainly got from my father.  Or to have them both present to see my eldest marry a most wonderful girl who has brought him nothing but joy and love.  YES People say they are watching, and I'm sure they are, but unless you haven't had a parent for over 20 years of your life it is something that you truly don't feel. 
          All of the experiences that hubby and I have had are in the Parent Handbook.  I've shared only a small sampling. We have added to our parents handbook, condensing, editing, and we leave it to our sons.  So here is the Pith of the Matter.  While I know you, our sons, our passion, our love, our life work, don't like to get the phone call, or discussion(s), that perhaps make you feel that we are interfering in your life remember this...its in the Parent Handbook.
Namaste
Peace out

Khalil Gibran
“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”
Khalil Gibran
tags: parenting