Friends

       
      

         I sat across from her at her kitchen table.  Drinking coffee.  Petting her dogs.  We are so much alike she and I.  Days apart in birthdays.  A few years apart in age.  We are like minded; sharing same interests in spirituality, politics, art, many other topics.  I love when I find a friend like this.  Reminds me of how special people, and I as one, are. 
          We talk about everything.  She shares how she has of late been feeling a little lost and exasperated with herself.  She seems to have lost her focus.  I support her, and encourage her, to take her time, appreciate the now, I tell her the universe has a plan for her.  I tell her that how she feels is appropriate and its ok to feel it just don't get mired in it.  We all feel like that some times.
           We discuss how we both sometimes feel frustrated with people in general.  How we don't understand why society cant just embrace being more loving, kind, compassionate.  Why do so many people choose to be judgmental, and by us stating all of that does it make us judgmental also?  We laugh at ourselves. 
          She shares an encounter that she had with someone and how she found that the person she was referring to changed her perspective, not in a good way.  Later she nicely told that someone how she didn't want to engage in that bad behavior anymore, now they are great friends.  I ask why is it that we are afraid to speak honestly and respectfully to people who use bad behavior to change the world?  Does us choosing not to speak up make us as bad as the people shouting ignorance and hate?  Why is it that the loudest people seem to be the most ignorant...then I feel judgmental again.   We chuckle again.
           We speak of human nature.  How human nature will turn us toward judgmental thinking.  How the challenge is to examine it, understand what we are to learn from it, and be compassionate to ourselves, and others, because of it.  I shared that I now, but not as often as I wished I did, will not engage in bad behavior and bad relationships.  I shared how I recently told some one very close to me, "I love you and I want to feel good about you so I am choosing not to engage in this portion of our relationship any more."  She looked at me and said that that was profound and is something that anyone could use with a multitude of people in lots of different circumstances.  She said," you should blog that." 
The Pith of the Matter;  Ok  :D
Namaste  Emaho Peace out 

 

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus

tags: friends, friendship, misattributed-albert-camus

 

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
― Mark Twain

tags: books, contentment, friends, friendship, life

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

tags: empathy, friends, friendship, inspirational

Dispensable

         
          
To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.
-Buddha



          Years ago before I really became Buddhist and while I was still working in child care I had a moment, which at the time I didn't identify as such, but turned out to be, a defining moment in my life.  A moment which changed my path.  Which brought me to where I am now.
          The Director of the child care I was working at said to me, "You are dispensable you know."   This statement didn't come after a screw up, or because I was not a hard worker, or anything that would lead you to believe that perhaps I deserved to be reminded that the job I had was transitional.  It came after a parent came into the center and shared, in frustration, that the teacher of one of her children was not meeting the needs of said child, she followed this vent with the comment,
"Miss Adriane is the only teacher here worth anything."  This compliment to me was not taken as a compliment to the person(s) whom it was directed at; she complained to the Director and the directors response was to try and make me feel small about the compliment...like some how I conspired with this parent and encouraged her to make this statement. 
          After hearing this I did feel more than a little put out.  I went home and told my hubby what had happened.  He sat patiently and listened to me and then to my dismay said, "she's right."  Before I could become upset with him he quickly followed it with, "we can all be replaced babe.  Will some one do the job like you do with the same passion and heart?  No.  But you can be replaced." 
          I thought about all of this for awhile.  At first I was angry.  I had invested ALOT of myself, my time, money, etc. into this job.  Even after they had, quite frankly, and with out going into detail, treated me with little respect and made me responsible for incidences that were not my fault.  It was hard to argue with their logic, when faced with some thing that you knew was not your doing, because it was followed with the threat of be quiet about it or not only will you loose your job, but we will ensure that you are unable to get a job any place else.  True story...not kidding, or over exaggerating, which I assume some of you may think because I do love to tell a good story.  I love the truth more though.
          While this was going on I was in a transitional state of my life.  I didn't know then, but I know now, how important all the decisions I would make for my self would be.  I continued to go into work but now I was detached from the job.  I was done...Not only was I not being noticed, or appreciated, for all the time I had given to my job but evidently I was dispensable, and no one likes to feel that way to anyone anywhere.  I had given them ALOT of free time; training and representing them with pride at state and local conferences.  I always came in early on my own time to prepare for the day and stayed late on my own time when needed; usually for the sake of a child.  I went to trainings, learned what I could, helped parents, family's and children.   How dare that director say something so obviously disrespectful.  This all happened when hubby and I were also preparing to move and while we were having difficulty's with our eldest child.  I was frankly over it all. 
          I decided I was setting my priorities wrong.  My family should come first and I had been taking too much time away from them for my job.  I should be putting my self first more often instead of this job.  A job that decided that it was more important to control with fear, then praise.  I stopped coming in early and stopped staying late.  I said no to doing extra work that I wasn't getting paid for.  I put my self and my family first and did it with a vengeance.
         A couple of weeks went by and my director, noticing a change in my attitude asked me, completely forgetting at this point what she had said to me, what was going on with me?  I looked at her and said, "You know, I'm ok with being dispensable."  Because she didn't remember what she had said to me she was confused by what I said.   She informed the owner of the business and a couple of days later I found myself sitting in a meeting with both of them being questioned not out of concern for my well being, but because they were afraid that something I would say and do would affect the business.  I was reminded what a privilege it was to be asked to do trainings (for free) and how it benefited me (and mostly them.)  This could all be taken away from me.  When I was asked questions, and I replied quietly, respectfully, politely, I was immediately tsk tsk'd.  Literally.  Tsk'd... 
          It didn't matter that my track record of loyalty and dedication to the job should be the judge, they were judging me based on there own personal behavior.  And this frightened me.  It was at this point that my life took on a different definition.  It came to me in a sudden wave of understanding.  It was almost like I could see into the future and with it came a feeling of peace.
           I had allowed myself to become angry over something that was said by three people when they were upset.  That parent was upset with another teacher and gave me a compliment under duress.  The person working the front desk took it personally and not only complained to the director, but gossiped to everyone who would listen.  The director upset with having to deal with all of it decided it was easier to just deal with me over the whole thing instead of dealing with the bigger picture which is how her center was being run.   I heard often a saying while working there.  A child care center reflects the director. 
           She could have ignored that saying and just addressed the teacher in question and the gossip, but honestly, she liked to gossip too.  Who doesn't some times really.  It is much easier to handle one person then a group.  Now I know that I was given way too much credit and power for that situation.
          I felt fear because I had first hand knowledge of how these women manipulated situations to ensure the illusion of what they had built.  Their manipulations were not only directed at me, but a whole bunch of people before me.  How do you sit and argue with people who have already decided your fate?  You don't.  You keep it to yourself and silently say thank you to the universe that you found this out and are able to get out from under it.
          Here is the Pith of the Matter and my reason for this blog. There are still a couple of people in my life whom not only associate with this director, but still work at the child care in question.  For awhile it bothered me; especially when I heard that my name was brought up in association with the distortions they built to protect their business. 
          I felt a certain amount of threat emanating from this place and the people who run it.  They had made it quite clear to me, and others by the way, that if any discussion took place, in any shape or form, that could be considered liable, and affected their business they would hold me responsible, while at the same time ensuring that they were allowed to mess with my reputation, my lively hood where they saw fit.  I am aware that there is liable information in my staff folder that they have no problem sharing when they see fit.  And this bothers me.  I think it would bother anyone to know that some one can manipulate your life.  Based on past experience with some of these people I wonder if one of them is once again having a bad day will they once again hold me responsible and give me a bad reference?  It frustrates me to know that so much of our lives really are dependent upon others and with that said why do we choose to set up scenarios where others will fail.  What are we suppose to learn when some one makes sure we are unable to succeed?  Then I read something.

"That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence.  It is the ordinary state of affairs.  Everything is in process.  Everything-every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate-is always changing, moment to moment.  We don't have to be mystics or physicists to know this.  Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact.  It means that life isn't always going to go our way.  It means there's loss as well as gain.  And we don't like that."   -Pema Chodron  "The Places That Scare You"

And this.

"I feel gratitude to the Buddha for pointing out that what we struggle against all our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary experience.  Life does continually go up and down.  People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else.  Everybody knows the pain of getting what we don't want: saints, sinners, winners, losers.  I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don't suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right."

          I had been carrying around a certain amount of resentment for years towards this place and some of the people in it.  Why?  Because they encouraged me to see something in myself that I didn't want to see, and most of all I was angry because I let them.  Like them I choose to focus on the down side of the situation.  Everyone was angry, and I decided, I choose, to be angry also.  My nature is also such that I feel the urge to warn everyone, to save them the possible same bad experience that I had. Then it occurred to me. 
           I did learn something from working there and it is worth sharing.  Was it the glowing, respectful, reference I hoped I deserved associated with all the hard work I gave?  No.  But I do get a reference.  And it is a good one.  AND it is the truth as they know it to be.  Is it my truth?  No.  Does it matter that my truth is different from theirs....and here is the clincher.  Not any more. 
          I could at this point go into detail about all the truths.  I could spend a lot of time telling everyone the exact details of every situation that they say was solely my, or some one else's doing, taking the focus off of their obvious mistake.  But the bottom line is this.  Who really cares? 
          Mistakes are to be used to learn from, to empower us into success, to bring us to a greater understanding of each other and encourage unity.  The universe has a way of making you do what it needs from you; of putting you on the path you are suppose to be on.  NOw that I am on the right path I understand this.
          I am dispensable.  I am ever changing, transitional, and so is everyone around me, and everything I touch.  Ultimately that is the most important thing I learned from having that experience and it is more valuable then I knew.  While human nature still wants to know that I was of value to this place and the people; the value I hold for myself, the job I did for them, the intentions behind all of it sustains me, and internally motivates me, to think well of myself and continue to always do the kind, compassionate thing.   There will always be a teacher inside of me striving to be the best possible role model for everyone who comes in contact with me.  That is a truth that I can live with and will never dispense of.  Thank you for the lesson whether you were aware what you were teaching or not it is appreciated.

Emaho  Namaste  Peace out

“Which of us can resist the temptation of being thought indispensable?”
― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

tags: indispensable, temptation

“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.”
― Charles de Gaulle

tags: graveyards, greatness, indispensable

 

(Buddhist quotes on fear)

 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
“It is better to travel well than to arrive.”
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”
“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.”
“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”
“What we think, we become.“   

People Suck

 

“The one thing I have absolute faith in is mankind's capacity to make things worse. No matter how bad it gets, we're all happy to screw each other over. It's enough to make me wonder if we should have let the zombies win.”
― Mira Grant, Deadline

tags: faith, humanity, people-suck 

 

 

“Anybody who thinks there's nothing wrong with this world needs to have his head examined. Just when things are going all right, without fail someone or something will come along and spoil everything. Somebody should write that down as a fundamental law of the Universe. The principle of perpetual disappointment. If there is a God who created this world, he should scrap it and try again.”
― Athol Fugard, "Master Harold"...and the boys

tags: disappointment, god, law, laws-of-the-universe, life, life-lesson, people, people-suck, religion, universe        

          I like to periodically look back on my blogs and read them.  Contrary to some peoples opinions I do not blog because I need for everyone to think like me. AND its not vanity...well maybe a little. :P  I blog so I can help, and hopefully lend support, to anyone who thinks like me.  But mainly I blog because it helps me. Helps me stay focused.  Initially when I write it is because a topic, or idea stands out to me.  I believe that it is the universes way of making me aware of something that I need to change in my life, or pay special attention to.  These messages come in tidal waves of information which all relate to each other.  Lately the topic seems to be people suck.
          It started, as many things do, with a face book post that went something like," a little known Buddhist saying is: people suck."  This comment which I think was meant to be humorous was posted on a site known for all things Buddhist and was met with varying thoughts, and comments.  The comment that stood out to me the most shared," thanks for keeping it real."
          This prompted me to read back on some of my blogs on being kind and compassionate, which actually covers quite a few.  While reading it occurred to me that many of my blogs are written after listening to someone do nothing but berate human kind and everything associated with it.  I discovered something about my self.
          I do engage in this behavior.  Some one could perceive that this blog right now could be interpreted as technically engaging in negative behavior.  I'm not proud of it and am always disappointed when I find that I have done it.  I have blogged often on gossiping, using words with caution and respect, and many other topics that convey one basic message and truth. 
          Communication is important and how we communicate is even more so.  I also have shared that I believe that everyone has the right to share their thoughts, and ideas.  Balance comes from communicating, not from the lack of it.  Even if you do it wrong initially at least you tried.  Eventually if you keep trying you will get it right.  And no one is right all the time.
          Why do I, we as a society, feel the need, because I have decided it is so, to communicate with so much negativity?  I have blogged on this also.  Something occurred to me however that I had never really addressed, and if I have I haven't really given it a lot of thought.  Because its easier.  Its easier to speak and act like those around us in hopes of fitting in, making friends, and ultimately not being alone, than to stand alone, which is what happens if you are not bashing what ever topic of the day is being bashed.  This is kind of a form of bullying when you really think of it.  The fact of the matter is no one wants to be alone.  No one wants to have to fight for their beliefs.  No one wants to feel afraid.  Its sometimes much easier to just agree with who ever, what ever, and know inside that they are full of shit.
          Now don't get me wrong.  Some of these things and people deserve NOT be supported.  But there is a big difference between bashing and choosing to not support a person and/or point of view.  You can be unsupportive quietly.  Simply keep your mouth shut, turn your back on it, walk away, turn the channel, don't like it on Facebook, don't vote for it, etc., etc,.  
          You know how to tell if something is wrong?  Pay attention to the people who are screaming the loudest about it.  The ones who are quiet will more often than not, but not always, be the ones who are on the side of right.  Something to think about with a presidential election looming a head of us.
          I find myself being a hypocrite.  I will sometimes engage in gossip.  Even though I stand by the idea that it is only gossip if you don't eventually share your thoughts with the person you are talking about.  The problem with that idea is that if you vent off a frustration with someone concerning someone else the person who you are venting to, not about, usually gets to the person you are frustrated with before you do.  This is then misinterpreted as gossip because people do not realize that the person who turned around and shared confidential information is the one gossiping, not the person who was venting a frustration.  I once had a person say to me, "well did you specify that the information was confidential?"  Seriously?  No, but let me tell you that your inability to not distinguish what you should and should not share with some one else has just taken you out of my inner circle of friends.  Thanks for playing.
          In my head is that saying," if they'll talk to you they'll talk about you."  Not necessarily true.  Depends on the person.  I know whom I can safely share information with and not have it go any further and who I can plant information with and know it will find its way back to where I didn't want it to go.  Manipulative of me? Sure. I could sit back and just let whom ever think that they are getting the best of me, but my human nature has an issue with this.  There is nothing about compassion that states that we should let others take advantage of us.  IN fact it is in the art of not being taken advantage of and being compassionate at the same time that makes the difference.  In my experience it is very effective to lay some truth out there and let it circle around. 
           I feel a sadness when I realize that someone can not be trusted with my feelings and secrets.  My failure is in believing that everyone in my life should be able to be trusted.  That their respect for me is so great that they will only share what I gift them with my permission.  But this is, once again, vanity, and my frailty, not some one else's, and it is only me that deals with the consequences of knowing this about my self.
         Did you every notice that bad news travels much faster than good?  There are people out there whom will turn around and share something bad that you said faster then you can blink, but, if you share something good about someone...nothing...seriously?  I believe that this is a control issue.  These people feel a certain amount of power by creating chaos instead of spreading joy.  These same people will look at anyone who try's to be optimistic and compassionate like they have three heads.  Which brings me full circle to why we gossip and or engage in communication/behavior that we technically don't agree with.
          I could sit back and beat myself up every time I fail.  But I have lived long enough now to realize that every time I fail I am actually learning something.  In this particular instance it is that people do truly suck.  And I put myself in that category.  I am also a people.  And I do suck sometimes, my hubby can attest to that.  *Yes I know what I did there.   
          Here is the Pith of the Matter.  On that Facebook post about the little known saying there were some people who took the whole thing way too seriously.  For me they were the equivalent of Christian extremist's.  They went off saying, in so many words, that when teaching Buddhism everything that is said/taught should be done so with love, kindness, compassion, etc.  I kind of think that they are missing the point. 
          Buddha taught first, and for most, that we are human and subject to human frailty's.  In realizing this, and coming to peace with it, we realize that we will sometimes fail.  It is inevitable.  IN fact, we will mostly fail.  Which is why less than one percent of the population will ever truly attain Nirvana, and/or be enlightened.   Now many out there will say why even try to be Buddhist then?  Well I can only speak for myself. 
          They way Buddhism is set up, for me, makes me feel a little more confident about failure and the reasons for it.  The problem is not when I choose to engage in gossip, negativity, etc. It comes when I don't realize that that is what I just did.  AND it does not mean that oh gee I get it, I forgive myself for it, so I can do it again.  It means that I am self aware and strive continuously to not be that person that I don't want to be.  Do I go home and become depressed, angry with myself etc.?  No.  That would once again be going against the ideas of Buddhism.  It is simply acknowledging that sometimes people do suck, and when you realize this you are understanding that you are putting yourself in that category.  After this little enlightenment the next thing to do is laugh, shake your head, look to the universe, say thank you, and then get out there and try again.

Emaho
Namaste
Peace out

“Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn't the way they actually are.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

tags: brillent, live-lessons, people-suck, people-will-hurt-you