Holiday Traditions

     I love the holiday season even though I am not Christian.  My husband is however, he is Catholic; but that is not the only reason we observe Christmas.   In our house we have formed another tradition; the holiday season is a great time to gather friends and family together and eat drink and be merry.   Every Christmas eve we open our house wide to everyone and anyone;  it is one of the only times during the year that I will drink with out reservation.   This too has become a tradition.  I found out this year that many of my sons friends come by to observe me being a little tipsy (even drunk some years).  They then try to engage me in intellectual conversations thinking. foolishly that they might come out ahead of the game. (that's a challenge to them for next year  :P)  Sometimes they actually do, not really to my surprise.  They are all intelligent out spoken individuals.   Anyways...the conversations have become part of our Holiday tradition at the (as my eldest son puts it) Bungart elder house and it gives me thought for writing.
     Its interesting to me how conversations wind, bend and turn.  What starts out as one topic usually ends up at another; but they are always linked to each other.   This year we started discussing how everyone lies.  I agree'd; I have posted many blogs on this topic.  Truth and honesty are subjective and a matter of perspective.  I personally find it hard to pass judgement in this area.  One's persons lie is another persons truth.  The conversation of lies wound to manipulation, which then bent to feeling unfulfilled, which turned to protesting.  Confused?  Don't be I am about to clear it up for you.
     I am not going to give my opinion on truth and honesty, been there done that go read my other blogs.   Lets jump right into manipulation.  Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or skillful, or artful management; to negotiate, control, or influence something, or someone, cleverly, skillfully, or deviously.   This is subjective and a matter of perspective again I think.  If you are the manipulator the manipulation is probably perceived as clever, skillful, artful, and for a good purpose.  If you are the manipulatee then perhaps it is not viewed this way. 
     Manipulation is used daily.  We use it with our children, significant others, friends, coworkers, salespeople, the person we rear ended, the list goes on and on.   The point is I think it is one of those words that, once again, has gotten a bad rap.   People don't like to feel that they have been managed (or controlled) by something, or someone, other than themselves.  Everyone likes to feel that every decision, and choice, we make is made with out any outside influence what so ever; but I am here to tell you that that is not the case.  If you are familiar with the concept of empathy then you will not only shape, form, manage, mold or manipulate others you will have the same done to you. 
     Empathy denotes a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or problems while sympathy is more general and can apply to small annoyances or setbacks.   Sympathy means the stimulation in a person of feelings that are similar in kind to those that affect another person; empathy means a mental or effective projection into the feelings of state of mind of another person.   It is crucial in effective manipulation when their is a possible crises at hand that needs to be addressed and the manipulator suspects there will be opposition.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201109/the-art-influence
This is an article in Psychology Today on The Art of Influence by Carlin Flora and address's the art of manipulation and empathy.
     I am going to jump forward in the conversation to the protesting part.  Protest is an expression or declaration of objection, disapproval, or dissent, often in opposition to something a person is powerless to prevent or avoid; self explanatory I think, no examples needed.  Protesting comes under the right to free speech and the right to assemble.  Freedom of speech includes some of the following; not to speak, to use objectionable language and to engage in symbolic speech.  Freedom of Assembly gives American citizens the right to express their ideas and their unity behind these ideas peacefully.  There are all kinds of little loop holes associated with these so before you decide to go out and protest make sure you have done your homework
I did some research, after our holiday conversation, and Daytona Beach is actually occupied!  :)  You can stay on top of the protesting at;  Occupy Daytona Beach on Facebook.. http://www.facebook.com/groups/136400829796778/    There are a couple of other ones also when you search.
     Here's the Pith of the Matter which leads me to feeling fulfilled and will bring it altogether.   I cannot speak for others on this topic, I can only speak for myself in hopes that it will shed a little light.   I have stated and even ranted on many occasions that we, as a society, fail when we think and act selfishly.   Humans are not wired to be selfish.  Yes sometimes for our own health and well being we need to perform a selfish act.  But when the selfish act turns into a lifestyle then their is a problem.  Human beings are wired to be empathetic social beings.   Even those of us who prefer solitude to gatherings still get out and socialize.   Study's have been done on what happens to humans who do not have social interaction.  (This memory of hundreds of Romanian children in orphanage's, cribs crammed up against each other, sometimes two to three baby's in a crib, many of them self consoling themselves by rocking back and forth because there were not enough caregivers to give them love, is for ever burned on my brain.)   
     As adults we have the ability to recognize that when we start to view the world, even our small portion of it, as full of uncaring, hypocritical, thoughtless, lyers it is time to do something.   When we have have become so angry and frustrated over the state of the world that we have become part of the problem and all we can do is complain then it is time to reconsider our level of empathy and apply it to something fulfilling.   I cannot tell anyone what they need to do or what they should do to feel fulfilled.  What I have chosen to do speaks only of and for me as an individual.  What I do know for certain is that making a choice to do something that you feel is morally responsible helps you feel fulfilled.
     The definition of fulfilled is to carry out or bring to realization as a prophecy, or promise, to perform or do, to satisfy, to bring to an end, finish or complete, to develop the full potential of.   Does this mean that we all need to go sit and protest in occupied Daytona? No.  But if it is something that will help you feel that you have done your part to remind others of a promise made and will help you to feel complete and realize your potential to do something more than YES you should.  We all have different promises and prophecy's to perform in order to feel fulfilled.  The point is to find out what yours is and go do it to the best of your ability.
I leave you with two quotes.
"Success, happiness, peace of mind, and fulfillment-the most priceless of human treasures-are available to all among us, without exception, who make things happen, who make "good" things happen- in the world around them."
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have."

State of Woe

         ...Some are ashamed of what is not shameful,

And shameless about what is shameful.

Following such false views, They go to a sorrowful state.

Some are fearful where there is nothing to fear

And are fearless where there is much to fear

Holding such false views

They go to a sorrowful state

Some see what is right as wrong

And what is wrong as right

Holding such false views

They go to a sorrowful state

Those who see wrong as wrong

And right as right

Hold right views

And for to a joyful state.

-State of Woe, The Dhammapada

           I believe that there are certain times during the year that life starts to feel harder.  Not quite sure why this happens, could be for a variety of reasons.  Stress at home, stress at work, stress at school, holidays coming up, lack of sleep, poor diet, too much caffeine, too little caffeine, the person who cut you off in traffic then gave you the finger, the brakes going out on the car, a total stranger bitching at you for just doing your job....the list is endless.   I also believe that, for what ever reason these things are never timed perfectly and they will all happen at the same time.   Why does his happen?   Well I've been researching this and this is what I've come up with.
          One-   Its LIFE...simple but true.   If you choose to engage yourself in life you will end up dealing with life.   The more you engage in life the more life experiences you will have.  The less you choose to engage life, the less life experiences you will have.   Experience gives us wisdom, the more wisdom you have concerning life the easier life feels.  This explains why some one so young can have wisdom beyond their years and why someone so old doesn't have a clue.  Life experiences.   (This also supports being involved-see "What If" blog.)
          Two-   I think most things in life are suppose to feel hard.  If it feels hard you know you are LEARNING  The trick is what are you suppose to be learning?  Is it hard because it is suppose to be something you should not be dealing with; that is not your strength, or that would be better left to someone else?  OR is it hard just because it is an experience you haven't had before?   First day of a job or school is a perfect example of this.  I personally don't think anyone should ever stop doing something because it is too hard.  How are you going to find out if you are good at it unless you give it time to feel easy?   The hardest and greatest jobs I have ever had are mother, wife and social worker.   The moments of complete ease I have had doing these three have been spaced pretty far apart; but they are the only jobs I have had where I have had the feelings of ease.  I also know exactly what things I am completely comfortable with leaving up to someone who has a greater ease at doing those things that feel hard to me.  
          Three-  This is a big one that I am just learning myself.   We are suppose to suffer, it is what life is all about.   I know I know...suffer is a dirty word, no one wants to think about all the SUFFERING that goes on to everyone in the world on a daily basis.   But point out to me one person who has never suffered in one form or another.   There are many definitions of suffer which are obvious and I will not list them all.  The only one I want to stress is; to undergo or experience any action, process, or condition.   To suffer change.   Huh....So what is change?   To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of something different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.  One more- nature- the universe with all its phenomena.
          The Pith of the Matter here is that when we choose to avoid suffering we are avoiding the natural flow of change.  We are not being mindful of the natural flow of the universe and all its phenomena.  The real suffering begins when we do not understand the natural flow of suffering and make choices to make it worse.  Death is awful, I think everyone will agree that death is the ultimate source of suffering.   We wail, and scream and carry on when we are confronted with death.  But death is actually the end of suffering for some; we make a choice to continue it by the way we greet it or say goodbye to it.   Sickness, hunger, homelessness, abuse, neglect these are all base sufferings.  Yet we will focus more on the fact that we eat too much, our home isn't big enough, its been two weeks since she has called me and paid attention to me.   Silly needless suffering.  
          When you are feeling down, abused, neglected, taken advantage of, under paid, over tired, hungry, overworked, depressed for no reason remember those in the world who are truly suffering.   Then get involved.   You don't have to go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen all you have to do is something; you can help an elderly person out to their car with grocery's.  Open a door for someone, smile at a stranger, say good morning, read something philosophical, garden, get a pet, eat better, go for a walk, talk to a friend, talk to your family.  The idea is to just go do something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and making the suffering worse then it needs to be.   You are the one who chooses the level of your suffering regardless of what the suffering is.  
          There is something called the weeping Buddha.   They are usually carved out of wood.  It is a Buddha hunched over in fetal position with his hands covering his head and legs crossed.   He is meditating on suffering; giving up to it.  He reminds us that there are greater things in the world then our own selfish sufferings.  I guarantee that this Buddha would never meditate on the injustice of not being able to afford a bigger house or choosing to quit school cause its too hard.   
          Suffering is given to us to put life in its proper perspective. I am a HUGE advocate of a good cry, ask anyone who knows me, I am also a big advocate of a good rant and even a good rage quit every once in awhile.  But only if these are not a bad habit that supports an addictive lifestyle.  Addiction is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes sever trauma.  While this definition specifically says narcotics we all know that there are addictions to non narcotics.  Including behaviors.    
          Do we avoid suffering because we are afraid?   Or do we engage in suffering in hopes of gaining experience and wisdom?  It is a hard path to choose and follow, but I fully intend to find the wisdom and ease at the other end.   Hope to see you there.

What If

          When did the word involved become such a dirty word?  I don't get it.   What if it has something to do with the level of involvement?  Or maybe its that people don't want to get involved at all?  Then how do we know when to get involved and when not to?  Too many questions which led me to start researching this whole involved word.
          According to Dictionary.com involved is defined as very intricate or complex; implicated, concerned in some affair, especially in a way likely to cause danger or unpleasantness.   Being committed, engaged, as in a cause or movement.  Engaged is to be busy or occupied; involved, or to enter into conflict with.   A conflict is a fight, battle, or struggle, controversy, quarrel.   So perhaps people think that because being involved has words associated with it like danger and unpleasant; because it causes us to engage ourselves in something, that could possible lead to conflict, we keep clear of it.   hmmmmm   But what if that, to a certain extent, was morally against our character?  And what if it was also contrary to a healthy society?
           I have worked in the social fields for over 24 years now.  First child development ( known by many who don't take the field seriously as child care or day care; although where day care came from I don't know I have never cared for days only children)  then social work, which I am now going back to school for; that or developmental psychology.    Anyways...in both fields there is, with out a doubt, involvement.   
          Early on I realized and learned that in order to keep my sanity, and to keep from being burnt out, I needed to have boundaries.  In any social field of work that is hard.  In order to be effective at what you do you have to be personal, but not so personal as to suddenly become friends with that recovering drug addict trying to get his/her kids back.  Personal enough to know when to, or not to, turn someone in for abuse and/or neglect;  but not so personal as you can't turn someone in for suspected abuse/neglect.   
          It takes a special kind of personality to be in any social field of work.   I am in the people field because I have a co-dependent personality.  Most long term social workers will admit the same thing.   It is far easier and healthier to help those who actually need help, then to randomly help friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family, in laws, their kids, their kids spouses, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins twice removed, their pets....well you get the picture.  You also need to be a great listener and know how to assess an environment and the people in it in under 10 minutes with out, and here's the trick, WITHOUT being judgmental.  You also need to know the difference between conflict and confrontation.  Confrontation is bringing together ideas; it gets things done in a healthy, productive form of communication.  Conflict does not.   Being involved is a fine art and is not for the weak.
          I am known for stirring the pot or poling the bear.  It is a tool I use to end drama, get information I need in a hurry and teach.   Recently I stirred the pot in a big way.  A dear friend of the family shared that they had information concerning someone they knew; this information, when shared, ended up being that they knew someone who was threatening suicide........huh........   Sure I could have been like thousands, hundreds of thousands, of other people in the world who choose to ignore that information.  Brushing if off to someone looking for attention, being over emotional, out of control and/ or with out guidance.  Could have decided to ignore it hoping that it would go away.   BUT....what if it didn't go away?  Or worse yet, what if the situation went away because the kid actually followed through with the threat of suicide?   
         So I went up to the place where everyone hung out and proceeded to assess the environment and the people in it.   Then, to sum it up briefly, I recruited a couple of young adults to intervene.  No one was happy about it.   Everyone wanted nothing to do with the situation; didn't want the drama, or to get involved.   The Pith of the Matter was however, someone needed to get involved.   
http://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/tools/exchange/serving-sexual-minority-youth-with-open-arms/suicide-prevention/red-flags-for-suicide
          This is a website that gives the red flags for suicide.   Number one for calling 911 is threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself.   Knowing when to be involved and under what conditions is crucial to living an emotionally healthy, full filling, successful life.   At the end we will not judge our success by the cars we drive, the home we live in, the labels on out clothes, the trips we take, etc.   We will define our success by how we are loved and how we love. 
          Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  Does it have to be for someone you know?  I personally don't think so.  When you have a deep, profoundly tender affection for yourself as a person it is easy to project that to others.
          Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune.  This is accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.  The kid in question who threatened suicide was exiting a long term relationship.   This person is young and feels, like all young adults, intensely.   I felt for him even though I didn't know him; we've all been there.  There were many behaviors that said to me that this person was in need of someone paying attention to what he was going through.   People were paying attention to him, but for the wrong reasons.    ( ...the pot stirring brought all the meat to the surface.)  
          Recognizing and choosing to deal with suffering doesn't mean that you take it upon yourself to eradicate all the suffering in the world.  You choose to do what you can when you can with what you have.   You set your boundaries according to your morals.   Making this choice is never easy.  It is never suppose to feel easy or happy.   You know being involved was the right thing to do when someones life is better for it in the long run.   
          In the span of my career I have had to make many phone calls to the abuse hotline in order to save a child and the child's family.   I believe and work from the whole family perspective; that in order for a child to have a healthy successful life the whole family has to be involved.  Making the decision to have a child removed from a home and put into foster care does not, from the surface, meet or support those beliefs.  Or does it?   Most family's, when faced with loosing their children, pull it together.  They stop their addictions.  They stop criminal pursuits.   They stop carrying guns, getting in fights, beating up on family.   They get jobs, they go to school and they feel better about themselves.   The children of these family's are the most blessed because they got to see positive changes made for their benefit.  They learned first hand from the role models they value most how people can change for the better.
          There are some kids, however, who never receive these wonderful gifts from care givers.  They grow up thinking that they are not worthy and wander the world lost in anger and confusion and they communicate in anger and confusion.  That is where we all come in.   Making a choice to be involved, to share wisdom, experience, time, and ear is NEVER the wrong thing to do.  Yes, I admit, life is so much quieter with out drama and upset.   But how worse the drama and upset would have been if the kid choose to go through with his threats.  I never feel guilt or remorse for being involved.  I know my boundaries.  Learn, and define yours and you will feel better about when and how to get involved.


Don't get so caught up in the what ifs that you stop dealing with the what ifs..... 

         
 

The Pith of the Matter

How it got its name.




Suppose, friends, a person in need of sound timber, in quest of sound timber, going about searching for sound timber, should come upon a mighty tree, upstanding, all sound timber, and pass it by; but should cut away the outer wood and bark and take that only, thinking it to be sound timber.
Then another, more discerning person might say, "This person surely cannot tell the difference between sound timber and outer wood and bark, branch-wood and twigs; but being in need of sound timber this person passes it by and goes off with the outer wood and bark, thinking it to be sound timber.   Now, such a way of dealing with sound timber will never serve this person's needs.
Thus, friends, the essentials of the holy life do not consist in the profits of gain, honor, and good name; nor even in the profits of observing moral rules; nor even in the profits of knowledge and insight; but the sure heart's release, friends-that, friends, is the meaning, that is the essence, that is the goal of living the holy life.

adapted from the Majjhima Nikaya

No Self

          Every Tuesday and Thursday from noon to twoish I have a philosophy class.   Im going to be honest with you from the get go.  I don't care for philosophy too much.   I think it gives people who know a whole lot of nothing lots of room to talk about it.  I also kinda resent that their are people out their who presume to tell me that I am prescribing to a certain way of life that they have defined for me.   Bleh...   Philosophers had one thing going for them, timing.   They were perfectly timed in writing what I assume lots of people already knew, they just beat everyone to the punch.  I do understand and respect the idea of philosophy however.  And I always appreciate a good rant, which philosophy encourages.  Which brings me to my next topic.
          Incase I havn't mentioned it before I follow the Buddhist path.  I have no illusions of becoming a Monk.  I am the first to admit that I like my junk food every now and then and I like to rant.  I enjoy a good puter game, and a reality show on tv.   But I do meditate and meditateing has given me answers to questions I have had.  I do believe in working from a place of love and compassion and I do believe in reincarnation and no self.  I wake every day with the intention of living my life this way.
          Recently I read an article in the fall issue 2011 of "Buddhadharma" magazine. http://www.thebuddhadharma.com/  In a nut shell the article talks about how Buddhism is the fastest growing religion in the United States right now, but because Buddhists are encouraged to work from the place of no self we don't discuss our beleifs openly, therefore many are not aware of the growth.  I remember having many opportunitys to share with people my spiritual beliefs and choosing not to for that exact reason.  My spirituallity is mine I don't need to explain it; but that attitude kinda promotes selfishness actually, not no self. Well after realizing that, and after a philosophy class and after reading this article I got to thinking, time for me to voice my opinion.
          In class we were discussing the philosophy of self.  You know Descartes,"I think therefore I am." hypothesis.  This led to different ideas on the self, including Buddhism.   My Professor, who is excellent by the way, never gives the answer; he only asks questions.  So when he presented the idea/ question of no self as it applies to Buddhism I was not surprised to find how many people in the class were confused about this concept.
         
                                  "No Self" adapted from the Samyutta Nikaya reads
           "The instructed disciple of the Noble Ones does not regard material shape as self, or self as having material shape, or material shape as being in the self, or the self as being in material shape.  Nor does he regard feeling, perception, the impulses, or consciousness in any of these ways.   He comprehends each of these aggregates as it really is, that it is impermanent, suffering, not-self, compounded, woeful.   He does not approach them, grasp after them or determine "Self for me" ("my self")-and this for a long time conduces to his welfare and happiness.
          The instructed disciple of the Noble Ones beholds of material shape, feeling, perception, the impulses, or consciousness: "This is not mine, this am I not, this is not my self."   So that when the material shape, feeling, perception, the impulses, or consciouness change and become otherwise there arise not from him grief, sorrow, suffering, lamentation, and despair."

          Simply put...don't be selfish.  Selfishness breeds sorrow.  Don't put emphasis on material things, they are not the real reason for living.  Live day to day and enjoy what you have.  Be mindfull of what you have.  Be thankful for the people in your life; even the strangers.  Don't engage in drama, gossip, and the emotions that cause pain to the self; whether it is your self or some one elses.  All of those material things, and bad feelings, which are human nature, detract us from what is real in life and our real purpose for being here.  Think not of your self...no self.  Easy.  And a much happier contented life style.
          Meditation is used to clear the mind.  It does not work for many people however because they are thinking of the self.   Meditate on no self.   What if you were not alone?  What if your actions really did not make a difference alone.   What if you didn't get that car, that job, that house?  What if your kids don't go to the best schools?  What if you don't drop that ten pounds?  What if your boss did not appreciate you?  What is you loose your job and have to go back to school? What if your wife is a bitch?  What if your husband is a drug addict or alcoholic?  What if, what if, what if.  It adds up and in the end you find that it really doesn't matter.   Live in peace and you will find peace.  Stop being selfish and you will be surrounded with unselfishness.  Praise and be praised.  Help and be helped.  Live each day individually and each day will be individual.  The universe really does have a way of taking care of those in it if you just give it time to do so. 
          When someone chooses the path of no self we are not saying we don't count.  We are saying that we are not the only ones who count.  We are not saying we have no identity.  We are saying that our identity is not the only one that counts.   We are not saying that we don't have an opinion or thought.  We are saying that our thoughts and opinions effect more then just ourselves.  No self.  We are choosing to appreciate, listen, observe, understand and think with kindness and optimism.  I leave you with another reading from the Dhammapada.

Joy

Live in joy,

In love,

Even among those who hate.

Live in joy,

In health,

Even among the afflicted.

Live in joy,

In peace,

Even among the troubled.

Look within.

Be still.

Free from fear and attachment,

Know the sweet joy of the way. 

Stealing America's Dreams

          Couple times a month a bunch of friends and I get together and engage in some role playing games.   Ok stop there, don't get all excited.   We are all old school nerds and play, what most of you know as, different versions of Dungeons and Dragons.   I have participated in role playing games since it first came out in the 70's.  Yes there was a bit of a gap for awhile while I dated and raised young sons; but when I realized that one of my sons hated sports I found myself taking him to gaming stores looking for Pokemon cards and role playing games.  I am going some where with all this, bear with me.   After each gaming session with my firiends we usually hang out and talk for a bit.   This last time I found myself talking with a couple of friends about how a crime it is that public schools no longer put enphasis on creativity.  Even Obama wants more emphasis on the maths and sciences.  I have a hypothesis; having the ability to imagine and create encourages, supports and teaches critical thinking and problem solving.   Once again I bring up how I am hearing so many people complain that America has no culture;  but I think that by not encourageing the arts in our youth we have taken their abilty to dream from them.  We have stolen away the American dream from the next generations.
          Use to be a time when all schools from elementary to high schools had music and art; and not just in the wealthy neighborhoods.  I grew up and went to school around 8 mile road in Detriot Michigan.  Even back then it was not known as one of the better areas to live and go to school.  But we had art and music.  And if someone couldnt afford it the school found a way to include that child.   My mother paid for another little girls Girl Scout uniform and picked her up and dropped her off weekly so that she could attend Girl Scouts.   My junior high had wood working, art, band, and all kinds of creative choices.  The high school I attended still had an automotive department, drafting, and film making along with the usual art and music choices.
          By the time my sons got to school art in elementary was taught by volunteer moms and music included only recorders.   Junior high no longer had wood working and High Schools had eliminated auto class, and many other creative outlets.  Emphasis was on sports.  Leaving a large population of adolescents with unidentified strengths.  No opportunitys to be praised and feel successful.   So what do these kids do?
          Well there is some talk among developmental psychology that many of these kids are now the Goths, and Emo's.   Their creative outlet is in the way they dress, and present themselves to society.   Not so bad really.  That kind of appropriate adolescent behavior has been going on since the beginning of man.  (God didn't want Adam and Eve wearing leaves did he?)   It becomes inapproprate when others choose not to understand their choices and proceed to criticize, belittle, judge, mock and hurt either emotionally or even physcially the choices these kids have made.   TO make it worse some of this bad behavior comes from these teens own parents.  Then the response from these confused teens comes out in inappropriate forms of behavior like cutting for instance, doing drugs, teen pregnancy, etc.   It does explain why all of these behaviors have been on the rise.
          I have raised one adult son and our youngest is seconds away from being a man.   I will never claim to be a perfect parent.  My husband and I have made many mistakes.  To our surprise and joy there seems to be no permanent damage to our sons.   We have done some things right though and it shows in our sons.
          One of the things that my husband and I wanted our sons to have was good communication.   We taught them manners; being poliet is important, it shows respet for others and yourself.  But heres something else about politeness; adults have a tendancy to listen to teenagers and young adults when they are being polite.  I wanted to make sure the adults listened to them, I think they did and still do have important things to contirbute.  Second we wanted them to learn tollerance and understanding.   We never wanted anyone teaching our kids that some things were out of reach for some people.  Bleh...   It wasnt taught in our home and it wasnt a belief that was practiced in any shape or form.   Finally, we gave our kids every opportunity to learn and create everything they could think of.  If the schools didn't have it we did what we could to make sure they would.  ANd Im not talking about everyone has a car so we have to get them one.  Im talking about playing in the mud on a rainy day and letting them cover themselves from head to toe with mud.   Letting them collect bugs even though that tralantula severly creeped me out.  Letting them listen to the music they wanted.   Taking them to plays, museums and fairs.  What is the outcome of all this?   I will share on of my favorite examples with you.
          Our youngest child is an example of a kid who would have benefitted from an automotive program in high school.   Ever since he was old enough to talk and stop putting everything in his mouth he had every match box car known to man.  He not only knew the name of each one but set out finding out what kind of engine it had, how fast it could go, the year, who made it and any other important information about it.  It was truley amazing and I am in no way exagerateing.   He was working on engines with his dad at three.   We had a used porsche that did not run sitting in our driveway when he was 14.  He never got it running, but he tried like hell.  
          In high school he dappled in Goth and Emo attire.   We have a rule in our house.  Our sons could try out different life styles under the following conditions.  I would quote to them,"One out of about every five teens will have adverse effects to clothing choices, music, video games, and tv.  WHen you start showing the red flags of this we will re-evaluate your choices."  Well our youngest was showing red flags.   He was skipping school, getting bad grades and becoming defiant (and not in an age appropriate way.)   So the following scenario took place.   I came home from work and was cooking dinner.  My husband was out of town traveling for work, but we had already discussed the consequences for our sons behavior.  I had also just had a meeting at school with my son and his teachers and counselor. 
          So picture this.  I am at the stove cooking.  Using a cast iron skillet, which I mention because it plays in important part in this story.   My back is to our son while I calmly say,"OK, you remember the rules of the house right?"  
 "yes" he says. 
"Can you tell me what they are please." 
"I know I really don't want to repeat them." 
"Well your father and I have been talking and we are concerned about the choices you are making right now and we feel that your life style is getting in the way of you being successful at school."
How?"
"Well you are breaking school dress code for one and you are putting up armor that is preventing you from learning."
"OK"  He rolls his eyes.
"Here's the deal.   WHen your are at home or hanging out with your friends you can dress any way you like.  BUt when you go to school the following applys from now on.   You cannot dress all in black anymore, if you wear black pants you must wear an non black shrit, if you wear a black shirt you wear non black pants.  No more arm bands, no beanies. And... "
Get ready here comes the good part. Now remember I am still talking with a calm serious polite tone of voice.
I tell him,"You have to cut your hair."  WHich at this time was very long with long bangs drooping down in front of his face and dyed jet black.  I could feel the heat in the kitchen start to rise and it wasnt coming from the stove .
Suddnely I hear him yell,"THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM ALLOWING YOU OR DAD TO CUT MY HAIR IT IS MY BODY AND I WILL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT."
I slowly took a deep breath, turned off the stove and pushed the cast iron skillet away from me, because in my head I am visualizeing hitting him across the head with it.  I turn and whisper to him very slowly,"leave   the   room."
"NO"
Still whispering,"i am feeling very angry with you right now and need some calm down time.   you may not be in the same room with me until further notice."
He stops yelling and says,"Where am I suppose to go?"
Still whispering,"i don't care but you cant be here."
Stubbornly states,"But its dinner."
Still whispering,"not for you.  i am going to finish cooking, sit down and eat, and watch about an hour of tv at which time i hopefully will feel calm enough to finish this conversation with you."
"FINE!"  He stormed across the room and slammed his door. (Girls are not the only ones who do that our eldest lost his door for a little while when he was a teen.)
I did what I said I was going to do.  I ate and watched tv for a bit.  An hour and half went by I never went to get him.  While I was cleaning up the kitchen he quietly and calmly comes out of his room and says,"I was thinking."
"Yes" I reply
"You never told me how I was suppose to cut my hair."
"No I did not."
"Can we negotiate that?"
"Yes we can."
"If I find a haircut on the internet that you approve of is that ok?"
"Yes."   I then explained that we didn't want to take his identity but we were trying to teach him that sometimes in life you have to adapt to your surroundings in order to get the most out of them.  I reminded him that his father was an old school biker, but his tattoos are covered up and he will shave, when necessary, to make a good impression with an employer.   I also pointed out that changing your looks doesnt mean changing who you are, but that we wanted him to have both his lifestyle and beable to learn.
          He got his hair cut and did what he was suppose to because he understood the consequences ahead of time.  He learned to negotiate for what he wanted while learning.  He found out that changing his clothes didn't mean he was changeing who he was.  And because of that he now has a lifestyle that is uniquilly his own.   By responding to him and not reacting he learned respect, manners, communication and anger management.   He also knows that if I whisper hes in alot of trouble.  :P
          At sixteen he decided public school was not for him and went on to get his GED and immediateley entered college.  He's dappled in some different majors but has recently decided he wants to attend a well known automotive school.  His dream is to own his own automotive repair shop where he can also work on his own one of a kind cars.  He si only nineteen now and miles ahead of kids his own age.  But... How wonderful it would have been if he had this in high school.
          I have said it before and will continue to say it.  It takes a village.  Parents can offer everything with in their power to help their child be successfull.  We can give them morals and values.  GIve them the tools to be successfull and how to use them.   They will go out and do what we teach them most of the time.  But if you don't have money you are not in the position to pull them out of a school system that is not encourageing their success.  
          I have heard teachers say in front of my sons some of the following, (I include my responses).
"In my thirteen years of experience I have never seen a child with your sons behavior problems."  This was said to my eldest by a principle after we had recently moved to a new state and he had been in this elementary for less then two weeks.  He was accused of pushing another child after this kid had pushed him off a slide and ripped his eye lid open.  he was still trying to make friends and adjust to a new home.  I said to the principle that his thriteen years of experience must have been very limited.
         "ANother teacher said that my eldest would never go anywhere in life if he kept it up."  Meaning the less then satisfactory grades in eighth grade, which was in junior high.   I replied that my son will never go any where in life if he continues to get teachers with the same attitude.
        Finally; A counslor and principle at my youngest sons high school said that he didn't belong their and I said I agree.  I let him with draw, get his GED and watched him excell ever since.
         The Pith of the Matter.  I think sometimes we think we are doing what is right for our kids but in reality we end up doing what society thinks is right for our kids.   They are not the same thing.  The world is full of different kinds of people.  The majority of which are not doctors, lawyers, dentists, politicians or persons with PhD.s.   Most of the world is made up of us working class people who are very happy to be where we are.  The American dream fools us into thinking that just because we have so much that other countrys don't have that we are all suppose to have it.  But the reality of the American dream is to be happy what ever you choose because you have the freedom of choice.   Our dreams for our sons have been realized because they are happy.  They are living the life they choose and living the American dream as they define it.
          When we, as a society, take away our childrens ability to create we as a village have taken away their ability to make choices confidently.   They have more difficutly imagining what could be.  It is harder to set goals, and follow through.   We have, and are, breeding a nation that is backwards.  Instead of moving forward in our culture we are living backwards.  Yes absolutely teach reading, science and math.  But give our kids a culture.   Teach them about authors, music and art.  Teach them how to make a work of art using those three.   Then they will truley beable to live the American dream.  

Its Just Who I Am: Deal WIth It

"Look how he abused me and beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed me."
Live with such thoughts and you live in hate.

"Look how he abused me and beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed me."
Abandon such thoughts, and live in love.

In this world
Hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
This is the law,
Ancient and inexhaustible.
You too shall pass away.
Knowing this, how can you quarrel?
from the DHAMMAPADA


          I have been thinking lately on hate and its many forms.   Hate means to dislike intensely, loathe and despise.  Despise means to look down on contemptuously.  Hate is not specific to one race or culture.   It is not alone in one gender.
          Discrimination, which is often associated with hate, is defined as treatment with consideration of, or making a distinction in favor, or against, a person, or thing, based on the group, class, or catagory to which that person, or thing, belongs; rather than on individual merit.  For instance racial and religious intolerance and discrimination, or womanizing behavior.
          I think we all forget from time to time that every culture has its history of discrimination.  But lately I have become a bit confused.   I have increasingly heard many people make the statement that America has no culture?  If this is true and we are a mish mash of traditions and cultures then where did our culture of discrimination come from?  If we are truley a melting pot of many ideas and thoughts than hate, as it applies to discrimination, can not be blamed on one specific race, religion, gender or culture.  There fore we are all to blame regardless of race, religion, gender or culture, and we must all be responsible.
          There is also a difference between discrimination and being discriminating.   Discriminating means that a person is attempting to make a fine discintion of something; that a person has good judgement.  This deffinition most certainly should not be confused with discrimination.   For instance; if a person decides to be discriminateing and chooses not to associate with someone, based on individual merit, this is not necessarily the same thing as choosing not to associate with someone based on racial and/or religious intolerance and discrimination; sometimes people just don't agree with each other and race, religion and gender have nothing to do with it.
          There is a word called equanimity.  Equanimity means mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain.  It is calm, equilibrium, serenity, self-possession, aplomb (poise).   In Sanskrit this word is upeksha and also means nondiscriminiation.   It means there is no longer any barrier.  Happiness is no longer an individual matter.  Suffering is also no longer an individual matter.  There is no distinction between us. 
          Another way to translate it is inclusivness.   No one is excluded.   The deepest gift that being mindful can bring is the widsom of nondiscrimination.   We are not noble by birth.  Meaning that none of us has an exalted moral or mental charecter.  This we all need to be mindful of.   We are noble only in the way we choose to think, speak and act. 
          The pith of the matter?    So many people use the excuse, "thats who I am deal with it." or, "that's just my sense of humor."  Well sometimes dealing with it means being discriminatory; not only from the giving end but also on the recieving end.  Everyone is guilty of saying and doing things that insult and/or hurt someones feelings.  But choosing not to take responsibility for it is the real hate crime and is discrimination and hate in their most base form.  Hate not only for someone else, but ultimately for yourself.  Discrimination because you choose not to recognize how what you have said, or done, insulted someone whether they are black, white, asian, hispanic, christian, buddhist, islamic, wicca, athiest, agnostic, young, old, middle aged, rich, poor, male or female.  If you choose not to be discriminatory in your words and/or actions then the person on the recieving end has the choice to discriminate against you based on your individual merit and THAT has nothing to do with your race, religion, gender and/or culture.  When you have love for yourself being discriminitory is easy because you are being mindful.   America's culture could be about this. 
          Now if you didn't know me what race, religion and gender would I be?  
          Not knowing this, how can you quarrel?

Developing Loving Kindness

          Today I am in a place of peace and calm.   I so often share posts that are rants against a variety of topics that today I thought I would share a day of joy.
          Happy birthday to a dear and valued friend who I just spent a wonderful lunch with.  She is a soul mate.  I friend where you can share each others food because, frankly, you trust her germs.   Conversation comes easy and are honest.  Company is warm and happy.  There is an unspoken understanding.
          A day where the confidence of being a mother and wife are high.  The home is warm and inviteing.  It reflects my love, care and respect.  My sons are happy and on the path to success; what ever they define it as being.  The husband is warm, loving and attentive.  His life is in a good centered place.  The pets move positive energy around the house and the house feels like a home.
          I feel loved, cared for, respected and centered.  I have friends and family who know me and still like me.  :)   I am learning still.  I am imaginitive and question all aspects of life still.  I still am not done.  I choose my day each morning like I choose what to wear; carefully, with thought, and love.   I will choose more days like this one.

"Put away all hinderances, let your mind full of love pervade one quarter of the world and so too the second quarter and so the third and so the fourth.   And thus the whold wide world, above, below, around and everywhere, altogether continue to pervade with love-filled thought, abounding, sublime, beyond measure, free from hatred and ill-will."   From the DIGHA NIKAYA
         

FACEBOOK posts

          Don't you just love those facebook posts that everyone feels the need to repost and if you don't you are some how socially ostrasized?!   I dont think facebook was ever set up for this.  I beleive that facebook was set up for us to interact with people who we are unable to see as much as we would like too.   I also think many of these posts on facebook give the wrong impression.  Lets pick this one apart shall we.  
Real friends will never ask you for more than you can give.
Real friends will not blame you for making them cry.
Real friends can write a book about you but choose not to.
Real friends respect your privacy.
Real friends respect you and will ask first.
A real friendship based on respect lasts.

Think before you post people.  Facebook is not a popularity contest.  Be responsible in all forms of communication.  Understand the consequences of all forms of communication.  

FAKE FRIENDS - NEVER ASK FOR FOOD. - REAL FRIENDS - ARE THE REASONS YOU HAVE NO FOOD. - FAKE FRIENDS -NEVER SAW YOU CRY. - REAL FRIENDS -CRY WITH YOU. - FAKE FRIENDS -KNOW A FEW THINGS ABOUT YOU. -REAL FRIENDS - COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT YOU. - FAKE FRIENDS - WOULD KNOCK ON YOUR FRONT DOOR. - REAL FRIENDS - WALK RIGHT IN AND SAY "I'M HOME!" - FAKE FRIENDS - WILL HELP YOU UP WHEN YOU FALL OVER. -REAL FRIENDS - WILL JUMP ON TOP OF YOU AND SHOUT "SANDWICH!" - FAKE FRIENDS - ARE FOR A WHILE. - REAL FRIENDS - ARE FOR LIFE. - FAKE FRIENDS - WILL READ THIS. - REAL FRIENDS - WILL STEAL THIS, JUST LIKE I DID!! THIS ALSO GOES FOR FAMILY!!!!!!!!


PS.   I don't live in South Park.

A Good Rage Quit

          Time to clarify some deffinitions of words again.   Just so you know I have taken it upon myself to make sure everyone understands the english language clearly.   Yes, I admit, I am a little fixated on how people speak and write.   It is an interest of mine; well more than an interest, more like a passion.  Here's the thing with that though.  I enjoy a stimulateing conversation and nothing frustrates me more then when someone starts using words incorrectly.  That means the conversation has come to an end.  How can you back up the words you are using if you don't know what the words you are using mean?  Anyone who reads often knows the english language well and will win a conversation by default.   Here is the place where I reinstate; READ!!! 
          Anyways...now that I got that out of the way lets examine the words rant, rage and quit.  Rant is to speak or declaim extravagantly or violently; talk in a wild of vehement way; rave.   Rave is to talk widely, as in delirium.  To talk or write with extravagant enthusiasm or to make a wild or furious sound; rage.  Rage; anger fury; violent anger.  A violent feeling, desire, or appetite.  Violence is swift and intense force; rough or injurious physical force, action, or treatment.   An unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights or laws; rough or immoderate vehemence.  Finally, quit means to stop, cease, or discontinue; to depart from.  To give up or resign; let go; relinquish and to release one's hold of; to acquit or conduct oneself.
          Now that that is explained let me first start by admitting I love a good rage quit as much as the next person.  I recently stopped playing, well more precisely rage quitted, World of Warcraft.   Seriously...its a game people, meant to be enjoyed.  I have difficulty understanding and participateing in a GAME (an amusement or past time) that causes people to bahave badly with each other.   Most of the time, however, I will walk away from something that is frustrateing with no feelings of rage attached.  Why expend the negative energy that could be used for something better? 
          I also enjoy a good rant!  Ranting is a from of venting.  Venting is to give free play or expression to an emotion, passion etc.   Venting, when done with the right person or person's, releases pent up negative emotions.   And don't even get me started on pent up negative emotions; except to say that it is a fact that they can be bad for you.
          Here's my issue with how some of these words are being used.   I have listened to people state that they choose not to read because they now percieve much of what they read as rants.  BUT, if a rant is defined as being verbal and attached to negative emotions then how do they know what they are reading is a rant?   Are they putting their own feelings into what they read?  Do they feel that they know the writer well enough to make the assumption that they know how the writer feels?   How can anyone say with complete honesty and confidence that they know how someone else feels?   Or, a less likey option, are they hearing voices in their heads?   hmmmm....interesting.  
          If a peice of literature, whether it is a novel, an essay, or a blog, some how stimulates some kind of feeling, good or bad, doesn't that mean that the writing is some how making its point, or at least A point?   If the writing is bad is it because you completely disagree with what is being written?  OR is it because you feel that it is not worth your time?  If it was published, however, their are people interested in it.  Mabey the interest doesn't extend to you.   My point here is; how can you answer any of these question if you don't read something?  
          It is hard to put a complete thought, or idea, into spoken words in a manner that many people will understand; but given a peice of paper someone can take everything they are thinking and feeling and present it in a form that is relevant to a greater number of people.   People who are experts at lecturing will tell you that they put their thoughts onto paper first.  Teachers use text books to back up and validate what they want their students to learn.  Writers, whether they are fiction writers, non-fiction writers, or researchers, have to have some kind of knowledge from the written word to excell at writing.  All of these people have read what they talk about and teach.  It is what makes them experts in their fields.  When did the exchange of written ideas become defined as rants?
          Isn't sharing ideas, thoughts and feelings a form of philosophy?  It helps us understand each other better.   Yes, philosophy takes a certain amount of arguing; but is that the same as ranting?   (Although anyone sitting in on an entry level philosphy class will tell you that there is an awful lot of ranting going on.)   When the sharing of thought, and ideas is done correclty it is stimulateing and educational.   (Find and watch the movie Mind Walk sometime for an example of this.)  
          SO lets get to the Pith of the Matter.   I have a small following on my blog and am contented with it.  I know the people who read what I write are interested in what I have to say and think, even when they disagree with it.  I respect them for this and it is why we are friends.  HOWEVER, do not tell me that the reason you choose to not read my blog is because all blogs are about ranting.  
          Ranting is a heated verbal discussion. Usually there is no discussing involved and the ranting is very one sided.   Everyone has an opportunity to reply to my blogs.   My thought process, when it comes to writing, is anything about ranting.  It is a decided thoughtful and researched process to help me learn.   I love the people who share my learning process.   I feel privledged when someone agree's with what I have learned.  When I extend an invitation to read my BLOG, or anything that I write for that matter, it is because I respect your opinion and enjoy the conversations we share.
        YES, verbally, in person, I will rant, vent, and sometimes rage quit.  This, in my mind however, does not ever detract from my continued path towards peace and serenity.  My writings are a reflection of my choosen path towards peace and serenity.   My writings are the process of empowering through philosophy's, psychology's, spirtuality and scientific facts, when ever possible, to back up my choices in life.  The most important questions in life must be asked of and answered by oneself.  Can anyone honestly say that they can answer their own questions with out some kind of written knowledge to back it up?   Read people; increase your knowledge.  Then you can rant, and rage quit my blog.       

What Goes Around Comes Around

          This last weekend my husband and I, along with other family members and close friends, attended our eldest sons engagement party.   A small intimate affair filled with love and laughter.   A day I think everyone who attended will always remember.   It was not only a day filled with memorys, that are preserved by photos, that will last a lifetime; but surprised me by becoming another opportunity to learn something about life.
          The event started as any other.  Introductions to people and future extended family.  Good food, good drinks, good conversation.   After we settled in I found myself observeing my son and his fiance' at this gathering with love and awe.   They are both in their mid 20's and life, while they have been living it for some time, has now been redefined for them by some one else.  I watched my youngest son observe the event unfolding before him.  He appeared to have a look of joy and slight confusion over the day.  A thoughtfullness of things yet to come for him.   I watched all of my eldest's friends, some of whom are entering relationships, some of whom have been in them for some time.   All of them absorbing the warmth and love of the evening.  I felt a level of comfort with my future daughter in laws parents, and all of our friends our age, as we all watched and reminised, to ourselves, over that time in our lives that is now being repeated by our children.  I suddenly had an over whelming warm feeling that life goes on; and I was happy for it.  My life suddenly started coming full circle.
          I am not so old as to not remember when I was young, engaged to my husband and starting out what would be my life, for the rest of my life.   I still remember the breath taking feeling of love; not only for my husband but for myself.  Look at what I was doing with my life!  I was capable!  We got married, then had our first born.  Then our second son.  The bliss was almost incomprehensible.  We lived as a family.  We found love and support in a home and life that we created.  
          The creation of our life didn't come easy.  We worked hard for it.   No one told me that marriage and raising a family would be the most difficult job I would ever have.   If they tried, I surely did not listen.  This is deffinetely a wisdom that is earned through experience.  I was certainly not warned about the compromises that I would have to make.   When a woman chooses to be married, and especially to have children, she makes a choice to put certain things in her life on hold in order to move her children forward.   Never with regret; especially as they get older and you can see that the compromises were, and are, actually apreciated.  
          A family endures.   It is your safety net, your support, your love, your sounding board, your anguish, your sorrow, your life blood.   It is something that we create.   There it is.   The Pith of the Matter.   WE create it.   During this creative process, like any great artist, we will throw away things that are not working.  We try new colors, new tones, different perspectives.  It is the creative process.  It is what is suppose to happen.  The people we grew up with in our youth are not our creation.  They are someone elses.  Namely our parents, or Aunt's and Uncles.   Granted they are still important people in our lives.  We give them respect and politeness.  But family is defined as a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children.   It does not say that once you make a choice to start your own family you are still to include the siblings you grew up with in that family.   Huh; interesting....including those people in your life is a choice.  An earned respect.  They stop being family and become your equals, friends by choice. 
         Realizing all this suddenly made me, after 26 years of marriage learn something.   Family is an ever changeing, ever expanding process.  It changes as we do.  Sometimes we hold on to the people we were raised with.   I think when we can endure the relationships with those people it is because we all have common interests as mature individuals.  But sometimes we are unable to sustain these relationships.    Sustain is to support, hold, bear the weight, maintain and it cannot be done alone.   
          The longer my husband and I are married and the older we get we are asked the following question more often.  What makes a good marriage.  Well trust, or course, is number one.   Even if you make a huge mistake the other person needs to trust that you will learn from it and be better for it.   Second, the ability to adapt, to change, and understand change   Humans are suppose to change.  The person you dated will not be the person you marry.  The person you marry will not be the person who parents with you.  The parent of your young children will not be the person who parents with you when your children are adolescents.  Bottom line, things WILL change and your ability to adapt with those changes helps determine not only the success of your marriage, but your happiness in it.  This by no means means that you are giving up who you are, it means that being able to negotiate, compromise and communicate are imparative in a marriage.  And those three tools need constant tweaking.  Third, be comfortable with being apart sometimes.  My husband and I will jokingly tell people that one of the reasons we have endured and continue to endure is that he traveled for work.   We looked forward to being apart soemtimes, because that meant we were over joyed when we were back together.  (It also meant I didn't have to negotiate for tv time and being able to cook chicken livers.)  I took vacations alone.   Learning to be alone and enjoy your own company makes you better company for someone else.  
          After 26 years I add a fourth one to the list.   The ability to create.   Being in a relationship is all about createing.   We create something new and different daily; think about it.   From being able to carry on a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store to cooking a meal.  We recreate our selves constantly.  Putting on "different hats" for different occasions and settings.  Being able to stay interesting to the same person day after day for years takes some imagination.   Marriage does not sustain boredom, boredom is maintained by choice.   Creation is sustained.
           This was a revalation to me.   I have "fired" many people in my life, not only as friends, but also people  I considered, mistakingly, as family.   But their have been very many meaningful, sustaining relationships in my life.  The most priceless one is the one I share with my husband.   Yes we bicker, always have, it is intelectually stimulateing to us.   We argue, don't always like each other, sometimes have a day where we feel momentary hate for each other.   But I truley believe that this is part of the creative process.  Right now, at this moment in time, the life that we have created together, that we have sustained together as a family is what has made us most happy in life.   We have both changed careers, houses, pets, and friends.  But our life together has sustained.
          The Pith of the Matter?   While I was traveling the path to where I am now in life I had doubts of where that path would end.   I am still traveling it and the end is no where in sight.   You know that saying what goes around comes around?   Mostly we apply it to persons who have inflicted some hurt or injustice on us.   But it also apply's to living your life.   Have my husband and I had a perfect life together?  No.  Thank goodness for that.   The message that we send to everyone in our life, whether they have been fired, or are still sharing our life is this;  live your life with truth, adventure, and creativity.  The opportunity's to learn, love and laugh will be boundless.   Now at the end of being a parent and moving to the next phase of life with my husband things that were once hidden are now clear.  What goes around comes around. 
          

Saying Sorry is Redemption

          I heard something interesting today,"saying sorry is redemption."  This got me to thinking; I know a person, actually a few person's, that don't know how to apologize, or choose not to.   They feel, and I know this because they have said so, that they have nothing to be sorry for.  Huh, curious.   I've always felt some confustion over this.   Do people not apologize becasue they don't want to?  Do they not feel any reason for being sorry?  Are these feelings genuine, or pride, and stubborness?   Or denial?   I can think of one instance off hand, in my life, where some one did me a huge injustice.   What this person did changed the way I percieve life and people in it.   I use to have regret and anger for who I might have been; but when I matured I realized that I would not be who I am with out this injustice.  So when I heard,"saying sorry is redemption."  My feelings for this person suddenly changed to sorrow and regret.  Not for me, but for her.   She died not knowing redemption.
         So why would someone choose not to say sorry?   Yeah, we've all been in that arguement with a loved one, or friend, where we are absolutely sure we are right and they, of course, are wrong.   After being in a relationship for 28 years let me tell you, the scenario I just mentioned, where you are always right, rarely happens.  Sorry.  
         So when do we apologize?  Well apology is a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, or wronged another.   Giving an apology is actually not about making you feel better but making the person who was hurt, insulted or wronged feel better.  
        If someone doesn't apologize does it mean that they are narcisitic and incapable of seeing beyond themselves?   I don't think so; in most cases.  I think it is more likely that people assume that apologizing has to do with being wrong.   Sometimes it does, but you can apologize with out being wrong.   I was taught that you can apologize for your behavior and not your feelings.   Our feelings are our own, we own them, we are responsible for them.   You can also apologize for the way you communicated.  You meant what you said, you are just sorry you said it that way.
          In a relationship I also believe that if you apologize you have to admit that you hurt someone who is very dear to you.  Being in a relationship of that depth absolutely means giving up a protion of yourself for someone you love more than yourself.  You are putting someone else's needs and feelings above your own.  A very unselfish act. 
          How can we admit that we mindlessy, in the heat of the moment, have said something to some one we care for, that we regret.   Then we have to admit that we were wrong in the way we communicated something.   Worse yet, we were imperfct and hurt someone we love dearly.   The family member in my life was not, by any means, close to being perfect; but she tried very hard to be perfect.   I think this is ultimately why she couldn't give me the apolgy I needed so much.   She tried hard her whole life to give me everything with in her power, money, a place to live, knowledge, wisdom; but I never heard any of it because she didn't apologize.   Sad for both of us I think.   I remember everything that she taught me, good and bad, regardless of that apology.  I remember mostly that she died takeing to the grave the horrible actions that changed my life. 
          I think feeling sorry for someone is misunderstood.   Sorry mean feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, sorrowful, grief, tragic;  all those words that are attached to uncomfoartable feelings that we would like to ignore.   And many of us do.  But being able to feel all of these is what makes us human.   Its what moves us to action and change.  If we feel no regret over anything we do we have not learned.  Learning is all about making mistakes.  Everything in life is about making mistakes.   Sorry.  
         Do people choose not to apologize because they don't want redemption?   Redmeption is an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.   It is deliverance or rescue.  It can be connected to theology, but not necessarily.   To redeem is to buy or pay off; clear payment, to buy back, to recover.   So it could be about religion.   But since I am not religious this is how I percieve it.   You are saying to the person who feels wronged, hurt, or insulted that I am buying back my honor, my self confidence, my pride and in exchange giving you back your self confidence and turst in me.  None of this has to do with right or wrong.   It is all about love.  Love of yourself and your place in the world.   This is why so many people feel  loss from death not just becasue of the loss of a person, but the loss of the apology and the loss of love unrealized.
        The Pith of the Matter.   Yes, ultimately we are all in charge of our own perceptions of ourselves, our world and the people we choose to be in it.   We are the ones who decide how we will be loved by how we choose to love oursleves.   But what a loss when an apology goes unrealized.  Not only for the person who is on the recieving end, but more so for the person who needs the redmeption.   When we redeem ourselves with the gift of an apology we are saying we are capable of learning, we are capable of changing, and we are capable of growing and being better.  We are capable of love.   I want apology's in my life.  The people who give them are the people who I love.   Sorry.  

Attached is a great web site on seven rules for apologizing.  
http://alphamom.com/parenting/seven-rules-on-how-to-apologize/