Adolescence 102: Or How to Survive Mothers Day

        




           I find it hard to write just about anything; something has to hit me.   So mothers day came and went.   A couple of weeks later however something hit me.   I will share.   As all mothers know raising kids whether they are male or female is a challange.  Its not just about teaching them to walk, talk, feed them selves etc.  Those things they kinda pick up on their own by watching people around them; its just your job to be excited and praise them once they do it.  The hard things to teach are empathy, boundaries, morals, values; especially when they enter adolesence and adult hood.  Im sure all my friends who have grown children will agree that parenting never really ends; it takes on a different quality then when they were little but its still around.
          One of the things that I get a little crazy about when my sons dont respect the boundaries is borrowing things with out asking and then not careing for them after not asking.  It is rare that the eldest two do this any more.  With those two sons, and their significant others, it is more of reminding them that mine, and my hubbys home, is not a motel and they are still expected to clean up after themselves.  Although I have offered that I can be paid for being a maid.  :P  
          Our youngest however has not quite reached that phase yet.   I have found this extremely frustrateing from time to time.  And honestly when Im in a dark place I almost think that he does it on purpose.   Then I got to thinking... all our kids had difficulty with what Im about to share and I think i figured out why.   My youngest is still learning about appropriate boundaries when sharing space with others.  This is another skill we are not born knowing, it has to be taught.  I think learning these boundaries is very important.  Not only does it teach how to behave when sharing space with others at home, but it teaches how to respect space in work places, and when visiting other peoples homes.  Have you ever invited someone over and they just enter areas of your home with out being invited?   Its feels like an invasion of privacy.   Or how about the parents that bring their kids over and the children proceed to behave horribly in your home?  They run around, slide down your stairs, jump and wrestle on your furniture and the parents just sit their and smile and do nothing.   Pht...let me tell you, in this house, if you dont discipline your children we will.  You dont want us to then teach your kids manners and boundaries.  We dont expect children to just sit their and say yes mam and no mam but for Buddhas sake there is no way I am going to allow them to ruin my carpeting and furniture; unless of course you agree to replace, and or fix, what ever damage they do.  Which most people will not.  I beleive in people being accountable; if you wont hold your children accountable for their behavior then I am going to hold you accountable for it.   Im done venting I will continue.
          I think all adolescents will go into their elder siblings rooms, and parents rooms, and take things that dont belong to them with out asking.  Technically yes this could be considered stealing, so its kinda important that you teach this to them.  They cant enter a work place open a cash register and take ten doallrs with the intent of paying that money back later.    Dont get into a rage about it.  ALmost every teen does this.   They are testing the boundaries.   (Once again reminding you that that is exactly what you want them to do at this phase of development)  If you get really angry and scream and yell you will negate something else that is very important for them to do.  Communicate.   If every time your adolescent tests the boundaries of acceptable behavior you react, instead of respond, then they will not come to you and talk about challanges in their life, which you really need to be their for right now.  So take a deep breath find your happy place and chill.  
          There is a 6 year age difference between my youngest and his next brother.  Our youngest has actually always been very mature for his age and has actually had difficultys fitting in socially sometimes.  Kids his age seemed silly and stupid to him from time to time.   When he was in public school this was difficult for him.  NOw that he is a young adult it works;  he likes to hang out with people older then him.  He is very successful in the work place.  Adults are always surprised to find out how young he is.  He still exhibits some developmentally appropriate behavior sometimes and right now it is respecting boundaries in the form of taking things that are not his with out asking.  OR borrwoing things with permission and not returning them.  This mostly applys to me...and as previously stated it kinda pisses me off.  YES I said it; it pisses me off.  I always start off being petient.  "Please get all of the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer."   The next day, "get the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer now please."  The third day..".I am done being nice about this I have told you politely two times to get those dishes out of your room DO IT NOW!"  (Yes I raise my voice at this point.)  Then he drops attitude that says I dont know why your so upset with me.   sigh.....
          THeir have been things borrowed from me, and I use that word borrowed very loosly, over the years that cover a wide variety of things.  DVDs, CDs, Game Disks (I use to have all the Final Fantasy disks but ask my sons what happened to them) towels, wash clothes, silver ware (which i have decided are like socks; it just disappears into another plane of exsistence)  Dishes, tupperware, money, books, to name only a few items; thank goodness they are boys or otherwise Im sure I would miss some clothes.  Although my hubby seems to loose socks alot and sometimes t shirts and beanies.  Funny story associated with socks that I will share to break up the seriousness of this post.
          I remember when our middle son was in junior high and my hubby had just had a "dsicussion" with him about taking his socks.  My husband told our son in no uncertain terms to not take his socks with out asking anymore.   About three days later my husband is walking past our son while he is stretched out on the couch watching tv.  My husband stops suddenly looks at our sons feet and says are those my socks?  Our son looks a little uncomfortable and replys yes.  Hubby says," what did I say three days ago?"  " Not to wear your socks any more."  "GO take them off please."   "OK."   But then three days later the same thing happened.  Hubby is not so nice now.  "I told you not to wear my socks anymore and you still went and took them anyways."  Our son looks at him very matter of factly and say," I never took them off they are the same socks....."  Hubby and I went around the corner so he couldnt see us laugh.   This of course open a whole different conversation concerning hygene.
          Any ways there is a point to this hodge podge of thoughts.   In my never ending pursuit of takeing lemons and turning them into lemonade I think I figured something out about the adolescent borrowing policy.  They take things of ours because they still want us to care for them.  They still want us to notice that they still need our attention and approval and in the abscence of praise they will look for any ways to get our attention.  Dont misunderstand we praise in this house BUT I also believe that adolescence is a time when they need to start tuning into their internal motivator; you know that little voice inside us that tells us when we are doing right and wrong, as opposed to the external motivateing voice of the parents. It is human nature. however, to want attention and attention for bad behavior is better then getting no attention at all.   (I also think that adolescents have sometimes a slightly scewed perception of what they think is good attention so you must show them the difference.)
           I think when we have grown children we forget that the need for our parents approval never really goes away.  I cant tell you how many times I have sat and listened to people share that their parents never liked them, or their parents have never approved of their choices, or their life.   Perhaps that is true in some cases.  But as a parent i think it is important to role model that you can still praise good choices even if they are not the choices that you would choose for yourself.  Also, how many of us as grown adults still want our parents to praise us for a job well done.   We're in our 50s for Buddhas sake and still we want them to say Im proud of you.
          Your grown children still need something from you; your approval.  Your prasie.   When my youngest was little he had a blanket that he loved and took every where with him.   You can take a blanket, or charished stuffed animal, to pre school with you.  You cannot however take it to elementary school with you.  So I cut a little square out of it for him when he was five, while he watched, taking the time to explain to him what I was doing, and he could carry around the little square in his pocket while at school; no one knew and he was happy and secure.  I use to spray a diluted soution of my favorite perfume on and under my middle sons bed before he went to sleep at night when he was very little.  This made him feel that I was always their looking after him.
          We do these things when they are little with out almost thinking about it.  We know its what they need to feel safe and secure; but how do we do this for them when they are adults?   We give them money if we have it to help them out, we help with transportation, pay for their schooling, provide a roof over their heads and give advice when aksed for.   But does that really help them feel safe and secure?  YES they need to give that to themsleves now.  YES they need to feel that they are capable of giving it to themselves.  AND there it is the opportive word FEEL.
          In child development their are two kinds of motivators the internal one and the external one.  When kids are very little they are motivated mostly by external things, primarily parents, teachers, etc.  Its why we put cheerios in the tiolet for potty training sons or give stickers for chores.  As they get older internal motivators kick in.  BUT if a child is not taught to recognize how something feels they sometimes dont recognize their own internal motivators.  It is the parents job to not only praise a job well done but to also ask their child, "how does it feel?"  And see you did it all by yourself doesnt it feel great?  Or you should feel good you did great!  You teach your child that the ultimate goal of their life is to be independant.  Not just an extension of you!  Their own individual person with their own feelings of accomplishment!  Its pretty great when you think about it.
          Yet when you do this, and I speak from experience, they will still find a way to take some of your stuff and keep it.  WHY?  Well it took me a few days but I think I figured it out.  If you did a good job with your kids regardless of their rebellion against you.  Regardless of their attitudes, impetience, anger, and frustration not only do they still want your attention but they really do love you and want to be like you.  They will take things that they admire about you.  Things they like about you.  In the case of the socks with my hubby well...my sons are literally trying to fill his shoes.   Putting on dads socks is symbolic of being a man.  So we dont say anything about it anymore we just write extra money into out budget to buy socks for hubby about every three months,or less.  
          My sons take my music.  Well I am one of the few moms at 51 years of age that listen to Korn, Disturbed, Queens of the Stone Age, and lots of other music that other parents dont listen to.  AND I dont agree with the mind set that listening to the music that a younger generation listens to makes me immature.  I have a love of music of all kinds so I listen to music of all kinds.  Because I do this, with out judgement, I have also been able to share other types of music with my sons, and their friends, that they mabey would not know about if it wernt for me.   So my sons take my music and listen to it out of respcet to me.   So I have stopped making a big deal out of it; if the disk gets ruined they replace it.  I have also noticed that if my husband and I volutarily share some things of ours with them they are less apt to just take it with out asking and we have role modeled appropriate behavior for them. 
          Boundaries that still must be respected, how ever, are attached to space.  Shared and individual spaces must be kept clean and neat out of respect for others, the home owners/land lords (both parents btw) and for yourself.  This doesnt mean that spaces are kept OCD clean, it means that everyone cleans up after themselves.  Rooms are kept clean because individual rooms are owned by hubby and I.  They will not live here for ever and we get what is left behind.  We dont really want to rip up carpeting because in the time stayed with us you never vacuumed.   We dont want to have to buy more dishes and sliverware because you didnt take care of them.   Most of all you dont want us coming to your home and treating your things badly...which hubby and I sometimes joke about doing.   We also always knock before entering there rooms even though at certain ages they wont do it for you.  I can share that this ends;  right around 14 they start knocking...especially if you remind them that they could walk in on you and hubby having sex.  :P  This is a horrifying thought to your adolescent; dont mince words about it just tell it like it is.  Remember suttle appropriate embarrassment is a form of discipline in adolescence.  Dont embarrasse them around their peers etc. just find a good time to remind them that you dont have to do anything because at some point there disrespectful thoughless behavior will embarrass them and being a good parent you will not protect them from this valuable learning experience.  Remember we learn best by making mistakes.  :P
          Anyways heres the Pith of the Matter to this whole little rant.   On Mothers day I was faced with realizing that not one, but both sons had taken advantage of my space and some things in it.  You know I love my sons; but I dont want to be their mommy any more, I want to be a mother.   So dealing with this is exhausting especially on Mothers Day when, as a mom, you kinda expect at least one day a year free of disrespect. 
         So Im up stairs in my room laying in bed and watching reruns of the West Wing on Netflix when it occured to me.   They are actually paying me the highest form of respect.   They love me, and things about me that define me, and still want me close in their life.  So being adult males and at the age where they are still figuring out what is an appropriate show of public affection that wont make them look like mommas boys they borrow things of mine.  They listen to my music, they play the same computer games, they eat my ice cream and drink my juice....and you know what?  Im ok with that for now.   Some day they wont even be doing that and I will miss it.  So I put extra ice cream in the fridge, extra juice, make them the things I know they like to eat.  Ask them about music, sit and listen to it with them, watch while they play their console games, fold the unfinished laundry in my laundry room, ask questions about their day and feel love and extreme pride in all three of my sons.   So weeks after the fact I realize it was a pretty awesome Mothers Day after all.  :)

Just For You

        

          I have many people in my life that I hold dear.  Some, naturally, and for different reasons are closer than others.   My children (who are not children anymore) are, of course, are at the top of the list, my husband, for obvious reasons (and not so obvious reasons) and then a couple of other friends/relatives.   A while ago I blogged on what I call the inner circle.  The inner circle is where you hold that select few people whom you trust the most.  Its usally small, and contains mabey four to five people, usually less.  This is normal and does not at all line up with todays Facebook deffinition of friends; which is, who cares if you know them or not, more is better; more is not better more is just more...anyways I wander.  What I really wanted to talk about is something that I have learned lately about the people who are in my inner circle.  They all share one common very important aspect, forgiveness.  These inner circle people and I have all forgiven each other for some really shitty things in our pasts.  This forgiveness not only includes things we have done to each other, but things we have done to ourselves.  More importantly these people are just the forgiving kind of people. I know this but some aspects of forgiveness still needed to be answered; so here we go.
          What is this thing called forgiveness?  What makes it so important?  And why is there such a huge emphasis on using it?  Well I did some investigateing because, well I wanted to know. 
Psych Central defines forgivness as,"...letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment...a gift we give to ourselves."  Heres the site that has not only more detailed information, but steps on how to forgive.
  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-forgiveness/
          Next the christianity approach to forgiveness.  http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/a/What-Is-Forgiveness.htm basically states that there are,"two types of forgiveness in the Bible: Gods pardon of our sins, and our obligation to pardon others...our eternal destiny depends on it."  Im not Christian, so I have a little difficulty with this one.  So lets look at Buddhism and forgiveness.
http://www.lifebalanceinstitute.com/dharmawisdom/articles/forgiving-unforgivable
          Dharma Wisdom states that,"Forgiveness is about liberating your own feelings and finding meaning in the worst of lifes events.  You practice forgiveness to be free of the inner violence of your rage, and you do not abandon the pursuit of right action.  In fact, you gain clear seeing that allows you to use skillfull means in bringing sustainable peace." OK...I get this, but there is one more deffinition; the emotional one.  http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
          I found this site interesting because it discuss's that forgivness in not the same as reconcilliation.   And there it is!  The thing that most of us don't understand and there fore choose not to forgive.   "Reconcilliation is two people coming together in mutual respect...it requires both partys working together.  Forgiveness is something that is totally up to you.  Although reconcilliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without re-establishing or continueing the relationship." This site also shares that forgiveness is not forgetting, is not condoning, or excusing, and is not justice.
          I was once told years ago by someone that it is actually better to forget than forgive...I could never get next to this idea and now I understand why.   By forgetting we do not acknowledge the wrong that was done to us.  For example; If I were to forget what abuse was done to me by certain family members I am not acknowledging that I have a right to feel angry, and betrayed by persons who were suppose to be protecting and nuturing me.  If I dont acknowledge this how can I move forward?  That is where we get hung up in forgivness.
          All of these different deffinitions say basically the same thing.  Forgiveness is necessary for our own well being.   Until we can get to a place where we at least understand what the other person did, and why, we are almost in a holding pattern.  Circling the same place over and over again never truley being able to land on the place that brings us home; to the place of love and compassion.   Here's something else that took me awhile to understand about this whole idea.
          Forgiveness does not mean that you need to keep, or have the person who betrayed you in your life.  It just means that you understand the whole situation.  AND understanding the situation doesnt mean that you condone what happen!  It means that you finally understand that you would not be who you are now with out all the wisdom and experience that was given to you; whether it was choosen by you or choosen by some one else.  It says that I am ok with who I am now.
          I have sat and listened to countless amounts of people, in my line of work, tell me that they will never forgive the person who wronged and/ or hurt them. (Myself being in that long list.)  But here is something else I have discovered.   In the end, as the years progress, the anger you choose to hold on to, that builds up and causes depression, and anxiety, and a myriad of health problems really is only hurting YOU!   Most the time the person who did the harm has  1) no idea that they did you a wrong 2) doesnt remember what the wrong was about and  3) has let it go and just wants you in their life again.
          YES there are some exceptions to having someone back in your life.  I have had family members inflict physical and emotional abuse on me.  There have been some very distinct boundarys with those people and periods of non communication.  Heres the thing though.  It was, and has never been as a punishment but more of a Im taking space kind of thing until I am in a healthier place to set boundaries and follow through on them.  A time out, calm down time.   I also beleive in having absolutely no contact with things, people and environments that are defined as evil, detrimental to me, or dramatic.  (Here's the definition of that so there is no dramatic confusion.  evil.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evil?s=t  )  HOWEVER, when I choose to distance myself from something or someone it is never with out compassion.
          Showing love, compassion, and understanding is more about you than the other person.   When ever I see a news event on a school shooting I of course feel the most compassion for the victims and their familys.  But I enevitably also feel compassion for the shooter(s) and their family's.   How deep their dispair with life must be to commit such an act of suffereing.   The Tibetan Monks who set themselves on fire...yes what a desperate act to get the attention of the political system they feel are oppressing them; perhaps even seen as crazy by some.  But always I feel compassion for the suffering that brought them to that place and for the people who do not recognize that suffering.
          I think forgiveness takes two different paths.  One is saying Im sorry to the person who you wronged; saying sorry is about healing and respect not only for the person you hurt, but for you.  It does hurt when we say something to some one that was mean and or cruel.  Words do hurt and when they are said to someone we love... well inevitably we hurt later for having said them and causing a loved one to hurt.  You should not let feelings of guilt, pride and stubborness interfere with the healing process of saying Im sorry.  Nothing should interfere with feelings of love and compassion ever.  Be brave put on your big person pants buck up and say Im sorry.  It is not about pride, or stubborness, it is about love and compassion. 
          The second form of forgivness is learning to forgive yourself.  Everyone does stupid shit in there lives that they are sorry for.  I think when we dont for give ourselves for our mistakes we dont learn, we dont change; we stagnate and stay angry and blame.  In the end we can only blame ourselves really.  I have said before that I was abused growing up, physiclaly and sexually, not by the men in my family but by the women.  For years I blamed them for everythihng that went wrong in my life.  Yes it is true I have difficultys establishing friendships with females, I have some trust issues and other things going on.  Feeling betrayed, and not truley cared for by the important females in your life who are suppose to be in charge of role modeling what a responsible respectful caring woman is suppose to be is a hard truth to deal with.  But one day i got tired of it all.  I didnt want to feel angry any more, I didnt want to feel hurt, scared, depressed, anxious, or distrustful.  So I made the decision to forgive.  Forgive my abusers.  Then something happened that I didnt count on.        Suddenly I was angry at myself for wasteing so much emotional energy on these people for so long.  I realized everything that I had been missing by choosing to carry around so many negative feelings.  Then the pith of the matter...I had to forgive myself.  I didnt encourage the abuse, I didnt encourage the neglect, and I did have a right to how I felt.  So I had felt it...I was done...I forgave myself.  
Forgiveness requires alot of self confidence.  Forgiving doesn mean you were wrong or that you are saying some one else is right it just means that shit happens.  I learned form it time to move on.
          There is one thing that we forget in the forgiveness process.  It is the thing that sometimes keeps others from forgiving us.  You said you were sorry, but, with all due respect they are just words.  If you don't back up the words with actions of sometimes your apology is hollow.  Especially if you have turned the mistake into a bad habit.  Bringing flowers is all good, sending a card is nice but Im talking about something much more substantial and long lasting and no its not diamonds either.  It is change.  Share with the person whom youve wronged how you intend on making sure it never happens again.   When my husband and I were newly married, and even not so newly married, we had a bad habit of saying mean tings to each other when we were angry.  It didnt take very long to figure out that this was damaging to our relationship.  We loved each other we wanted to stay together.  So we made the rule, when someone says I need a break during a heated discussion no matter how pissed off we were we stopped the conversation and took a break.  It was hard at first especially for me...I didnt want to loose my train of thought and hubby had a bad habit of leaving a conversation and never giving it closure.  So the rule was then that if he needed longer than an hour he would share respectfully that he needed time to think and it was his responsibilty to open the conversation again with in a 24 hour period.  Well after some practice we have this down pretty well and I trust what he says to me and vice versa.  We learned how not to say things that we would regret later on and not need to forgive each other and especially ourselves for...one less thing to worry about.  So how did I follow up on forgving myself?
          When I learned to forgive myself and my abusers I learned how to set appropriate boundaries for whom I would let into my life.  I suddenly felt confidence in saying no to establsihing friendships with people who would take advantage of me, who would be disrespectful, who are not compassionate, responsible, respectful, intellegent, loving individuals.   My relationships with everyone became healthier and I became happier.  Huh...interesting how that works isn't it?  I made the decision to treat myself well; better than my abusers.  So my word of advice to you comeing from someone with some wisdom and experience is this.
          Isnt it better to have a small circle of people who you can truley call friends then a HUGE amount of aquaintances whom you call friend?  It really is easier to manage a smaller circle and it is easier to know who to forgive and keep in your life then just generically trying to stay nuetral about everyone and everything.  Being able to have our own opinions on life, on our morals, and on our values is what gives us confidence, and having people in our inner circile who support us in those opinions, even if they dont agree with them, is very important in how we choose to trust.   Trust is crucial in sefl confidence, Trust is crucial in compassion and love and forgiveness.  It is all connected.  So set those boundaries with confidence and dont let anyone try to make you feel bad when you look at them and say,"Im sorry until you understand the boundaries for us respecting EACH other I cannot have you in my life."  Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea.