Smiling Enemies

 

"Smiling Faces Sometimes"

Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend
Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
The truth is in the eyes
Cause the eyes don't lie,

Remember a smile is just
A frown turned upside down
My friend let me tell you
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth, uh
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof

Beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
I'm telling you beware
Beware of the pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Jealousy (jealousy)
Misery (misery)
Envy I tell you, you can't see behind smiling faces
Smiling faces sometimes they don't tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)
(Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes)

I'm telling you beware, beware of the handshake
That hides the snake
Listen to me now, beware
Beware of that pat on the back
It just might hold you back
Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth
Smiling faces, smiling faces
Tell lies and I got proof
Your enemy won't do you no harm
Cause you'll know where he's coming from
Don't let the handshake and the smile fool ya
Take my advice I'm only try' to school ya     

      Sometimes I get an uncomfortable feeling/perception that throws up a red flag.  Its not very obvious and usually takes some research, and mindfulness, to understand it.  Its not an usual red flag like anger, or anxiety, it is something far more sneaky.  Competition.  There are people around us every day who will bring up this natural human response.

Definition of competition

1 : the act or process of competing : rivalry: such as

a : the effort of two or more parties acting independently to secure the business of a third party by offering the most favorable terms

• contractors in competition for the contract to build the new school

b : active demand by two or more organisms or kinds of organisms for some environmental resource in short supply

• the interspecies competition for food

     I know a couple, off hand, that periodically bring this feeling out in me; and I am not comfortable with this.  One person likes to passive/aggressively call people out on Facebook by making posts that infer that by not teaching kids to compete we are some how doing them an injustice while not really understanding the pros and cons of teaching competition.     There is another person, who, when entering my home, or life, likes to throw out passive aggressive comments that leave everyone in the room looking at this person like, what the *F*?!?  They will look at me, then the other person, then at me...waiting... for some form of reaction, for me to engage.  I engage by not reacting.  Usually I divert or distract onto another topic, or simply ignore it. 

      When faced with these scenarios enough times the natural human response is to start feeling insecure about yourself.  Insecurity can also come across to those around you as jealousy or envy.  After some research I am here to share that this is actually not how all of us are feeling.  Being empowered with this information helps us to over come the competitive person who is actually, in reality, the jealous, insecure one.  They need everyone around them to get on board of how they are feeling to feel better about themselves.  These types of people are very challenging and really need patience and compassion.

Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." This simple statement sets a perfect scene in our minds of what jealousy feels like; Others are happy, overtly joyful or secretly mocking, while we are left alone to look like a fool.

      This quote points out the fact that jealousy is not limited to intimate relationships with a partner, or perceived partner.  Jealousy includes all relationships of all kinds and levels.  A person will enter your home, look around with that look that we all recognize as, "wow, look at this place, wish I lived like this." and almost immediately start making comments about how much they know about that piece of furniture and this piece of art.  Followed with some kind of open ended statement about how you can take better care of your pet, or how dirty your windows are and how they keep theirs clean.  Or look up at your lighting fixtures and ceiling fans and make an obvious face that implies, "huh not so perfect after all."  This kind of person brags and blames a lot.  They are never quite satisfied with anything.  They are masters of getting everyone around them to feel as they do so that they do not feel alone in their fear and personal dissatisfaction of life.
      These types of people are masters of passive aggressive manipulation, they are very often narcissistic.  We can see it, but more often than not those around us do not.  Does this mean its not happening?  Many loved ones, out of the need to protect us, and full of good intention, will imply that our perception is faulty.  Thus leaving us feeling more insecure.  Its a horrible nasty circle which leaves a feeling of no peace.  It kind of sucks.
      You could avoid some one who wants to mess with your peace, but honestly, for this to happen we would have to avoid most of society so its not very realistic.  So what do we do?
https://studybuddhism.com/en/buddhism-in-daily-life/how-to/how-to-deal-with-jealousy-in-relationships
      While many articles focus on jealousy in intimate relationship's, in fact most of them do, if you understand that the jealousy you feel is actually a natural human response to some imposed threat it becomes easier to break that feeling down, find its source and deal with it.  Many assume that being Buddhist means that you only meditate on almost everything to just calm your mind  so you don't have to think about suffering. 
     Suffering in Buddhism is anything that causes pain and/or discomfort to the point where you are attached to the feeling/perception.  When this happens there has to be more than meditation, practice has to accompany it.  Practice is not just lighting incense, candles, chanting mantras it requires some mindfulness.  It means that we go to the Buddha for refuge, we go to the Dharma for refuge, we go to the Sangha for refuge.  But what exactly is refuge?
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bodhi/wheel282.html#ref1
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bodhi/wheel282.html
      When faced with some one or something that questions ourselves it is always a learning opportunity that brings compassion.  When we choose to practice refuge a few things happen. 
      More often than not when we feel threatened we rely on our loved ones to give us some kind of protection, support, safety. This is difficult because their perceptions of the perceived threat may not be the same as ours.  Human nature says we should feel insulted of opposing perceptions; so we get angry that the loved ones are not backing us up.  This only causes more disruption to peace.  We start feeling more alone, isolated and resentful; like the person in question who has, whether intentional or not, caused the threat is winning.  These are all natural human responses.  The challenge in Buddhism is to recognize the natural human response and not act upon it.  Its ok to feel what we feel.  There is good reason.  BUT...is it actually a real threat?

noun

1.

a declaration of an intention or determination to inflict punishment, injury, etc., in retaliation for, or conditionally upon, some action or course; menace: 

 

Is the need to compete brought on by some one else's jealousy really a threat?

 

...no

 

      For many another natural human response to a threat is fight or flight. 

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/fear2.htm

However, fight or flight is suppose to be reserved for life threatening events.  Unless you are someone who has experienced an environment growing up where threat to life and, or limb is a daily event, then fight or flight is your go to.  Or if you have never been taught the skills to deal with stress the natural human response will also be fight or flight.  Once you understand this about yourself finding the tools to deal with stress is easier.

      In my case the perception I was having was not due to a perceived danger, but actually to feelings I was having that I didn't like having.  The threat was feeling out of control over uncomfortable feelings/perceptions that I didn't know how to deal with. Once I figured it all out I got my peace back.

      When dealing with a person who likes to try to mess with those around them by using passive aggressive remarks and actions to make themselves feel bigger while trying to make you feel smaller remember this.

      Don't compete. Its easy to avoid them, its easy to argue with them or stoop to their level and behave the same way.  If it wasn't so easy there would be far less of these kinds of people to deal with.  Its actually a greater, braver, more intelligent, compassionate choice to keep these kinds of people in your life.  They are there to teach you something about yourself.  More importantly, you have something to teach them.  You don't have to get all high and mighty about it telling yourself and others that what you are doing is a great and wonderful thing; then you are only playing into the dark side of competitive perception which will spawn more jealousy.  Just be you.  Just find your refuge and stay there.  Be at peace with who you are, your choices, your life and those you choose to include in your inner circle. 

      Focus on your individual Karma and by extension know that you will be helping others Karma just by doing the right thing. https://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/karma.htm

Compassion is a tricky thing. http://www.aboutdharma.org/what-is-compassion.php/   It asks that we perceive, acknowledge and try to alleviate it whenever, and where ever, we see it.  It asks that in order to do this that we be compassionate to ourselves first.  It asks that we have a deep understanding of human nature in ourselves and others.  It requires us to be mindful.  It supports, encourages, and requires self confidence.

 

Mindfulness as a practice is described as: "Mindfulness is a way of paying attention that originated in Eastern meditation practices" "Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally" "Bringing one's complete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis"

 

 https://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/

 

The Pith of the Matter.  Feelings, or individual perceptions, are there to teach us something.  They tell us that something is not right either around us, in someone else, ourselves, or a combination of.  We can choose to not feel suffering attached to this opportunity.  We can be mindful, go for refuge, and develop compassion. In order to compete successfully all we need to do is be confident in ourselves and in return naturally build the confidence of those around us. These are the tools to peace.

 

Namaste Emaho Peace out

“Man is not, by nature, deserving of all that he wants. When we think that we are automatically entitled to something, that is when we start walking all over others to get it.”
― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

 

“Real learning comes about when the competitive spirit has ceased.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

tags: competition, education, learning, teaching

 

“Insecure people only eclipse your sun because they’re jealous of your daylight and tired of their dark, starless nights.”
― Shannon L. Alder

tags: competition, games, gossip, insecurity, jealous-women, jealousy, judgement, low-self-esteem, revenge, rumors

262 likes

Like

Liked!view quote

“I am convinced that the jealous, the angry, the bitter and the egotistical are the first to race to the top of mountains. A confident person enjoys the journey, the people they meet along the way and sees life not as a competition. They reach the summit last because they know God isn’t at the top waiting for them. He is down below helping his followers to understand that the view is glorious where ever you stand.”
― Shannon L. Alder

 

The Peacemaker

The Peacemaker 

www.sacred-texts.com/bud/btg/btg78.htm

IT is reported that two kingdoms were on the verge of war for the possession of a certain embankment which was disputed by them. And the Buddha seeing the kings and their armies ready to fight, requested them to tell him the cause of their quarrels. Having heard the complaints on both sides, he said:
"I understand that the embankment has value for some of your people; has it any intrinsic value aside from its service to your men?"
"It has no intrinsic value whatever was the reply.
The Tathagata continued: "Now when you go to battle is it not sure that many of your men will be slain and that you yourselves, O kings, are liable to lose your lives?" And they said: "It is sure that many will be slain and our own lives be jeopardized."
"The blood of men, however," said Buddha, "has it less intrinsic value than a mound of earth?" "No," the kings said, "The lives of men and above all the lives of kings, are priceless." Then the Tathagata concluded: care you going to stake that which is priceless against that which has no intrinsic value whatever?--The wrath of the two monarchs abated, and they came to a peaceable agreement.





      You may have noticed a drop in my blogging.  Its not because I have grown tired of writing; but because I find myself in a different place in my life.  The times where I look at the world, and the people in it, and think wtf, are very far and few between.  Which is good.  I also find myself wanting to be more selective of what I share.  Is it worthy of a read?  Will it benefit some one other than me?  So when I write I lean towards my spirituality, Buddhism.  I try to look at the world through Buddha eyes.  Am I perfect at it, no of course not, and thankfully not, I never want to stop learning, and making mistakes. 
      I will begin my tale with a question, as so many of my tales do.  Ever have some one suggest you do something, for your own good, and you cant get rid of that nagging feeling that it is the wrong thing to do?  Ahhh I hear a resounding yes coming through my puter.  ;)  I was told recently, with out much of an option to say no, that I should sit down and talk with someone to clear up some issues that seem to be causing others some suffering.
     Now this is not as clear cut as it appears.  I believe if you come in contact with a person on a daily basis, at work for instance, then the logical choice is to follow the advice and find a way to communicate that benefits everyone exposed to the suffering.  If for no other reason to show, and know, that you made every effort to get along with said difficult person and make an environment that others share with you, and said difficult person, a little less stressful.  But what if you don't see someone on a daily basis?  What if its just holidays?  Or family gatherings?  Which is maybe only 3-4 times a year?  Is it really necessary to stir the pot?  Is it necessary to make everyone try to understand you and vice versa?  What if you have already tried and others have just not seen it?  At what point do you tell yourself that you have done everything possible and its now in the other persons court?  At what point do we give ourselves permission to just be compassionate to ourselves first?
    So many long term arguments between persons, who are considered just acquaintance's by the way, happen because there was an un-necessary push by someone, some where, for everyone to understand each other on a far more personal level than perhaps either party wished.  The persons usually pushing think they are being peace makers and peace making always has good intentions. 
https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-be-a-peacemaker/
https://www.mediate.com/articles/bermanlj3.cfm
https://www.dumblittleman.com/learn-how-to-mediate-and-end/
https://www.mediate.com/articles/noll3.cfm
    Peace makers don't make each other get along and like each other, they ensure peace by making sure that everyone can work together peacefully for the benefit of everyone around them.  They set up boundaries that are fair and work for everyone involved.  They do not push anyone into doing something they don't want to do unless there is some compromising going on.  They ensure give and take.  They also listen to what each party has to say, not blindly following one point of view because of their partial feelings towards someone.  They are neutral, and unselfish in their goals. 
    I am not pointing fingers here at anyone.  I can share, rather uncomfortably, that I have on many occasions been a failed peace maker with intentions that were...um...lets just say they were not good Karma.  :P  I also like to tell myself that I am the peace maker and rarely, emphasis on rarely, need anyone to do any peace making for me.  The persons who are most successful at making peace in my life are hubby, and family in general, because they "get me".  Which brings me back once again to knowing who you are, and what, you are peace making for.
    Mothers are notorious peace makers.  Many mothers, myself included, try to protect under the blanket of peace making.  We tell ourselves that peace making between our child, and a bully for instance, is necessary for all kids to learn.  The bigger picture, and the harder thing to do however, is to just give the tools necessary for successful relationships and stand back and trust that they will be used.
http://healthtoday.com/five-great-tools-for-a-successful-relationship/  Learning these, and using them, ensures peace in most relationships.
   When my sons were young I put a great deal of emphasis on communication skills.  This not only meant learning to be polite, but how to use words, how to stay calm, body language, and most importantly, listening skills.  I am proud, and slightly biased, when I say they are pretty successful at these.  I gave them tools on how to use them all, and tried to be a good role model, along with hubby.  I remind everyone that sometimes being a good role model means failing and making mistakes.  Being a bad role model means making the same mistake over and over again and not learning from it.  Hubby and I like to learn.  ;)  So our life is ever changing, evolving and never dull.  Our sons are pretty self assured despite failures.  There is not regret for past mistakes or transgressions; if there is they have learned that regret means that something was left undone; so they get it done with in their time line. 
   It is all fine and good to want to make peace.  We all want everyone to get along and be happy.  But the reality of life is that there are a multitude of different people, ideas, cultures, faiths, opinions out there.  Debate is wonderful.  I love a truly great debate with someone I trust.  Sharing ideas, differing opinions encourages wisdom.  BUT sometimes we are faced with ideas, opinions that go against how we have defined our individual morals and values.  And that is ok too.
   I think many problems occur when society starts thinking, even believing that it is impossible for us to all get along unless we all truly understand each other to the point where we all must be thinking and believing the same way.
 http://www.dictionary.com/browse/understand?s=t
To understand someone means to basically listen with out biases and/prejudice while still holding on to your own beliefs/thoughts.  This is possible; you just use your good listening skills and set boundaries for the relationship.  No one has to be forced into a lifestyle that is not one of their choosing; or change has to be forced to change morals or values.
   Speaking from experience it is possible to "get along" with persons who we think and feel are living an inauthentic life.  Then my mind immediately goes to, "but who am I to judge inauthenticity?"  See where I am going here?
   In Buddhism the greatest challenge is learning and practicing compassion.  Compassion isn't just looking at a homeless person on the street, feeling bad, and then giving them a buck.  Compassion is the true understanding that everyone has different thoughts, feelings, opinions on life in general.  It is understanding what promotes unnecessary suffering and knowing when you can and, more importantly, cant do something about it.  Its the cant part that is tricky because choosing to do nothing also sometimes causes suffering.  So it is important to meditate and try to see the bigger picture.
    Choosing to do nothing goes against basic human nature.  We see someone suffering, we know we can do something about it, we have the intelligence, wisdom, and means to do something about it, but is it always the compassionate thing to do?  As a human development professional, retired social worker, and mom I can share that the need for independence in humans is great.  When we learn something on our own from trial and error the internal motivator to have a success, or avoid failure, next time around is far greater than when someone jumps in , does it for us, or protects us from outcomes; either good or bad.
    Choosing to do nothing sometimes is the braver more compassionate choice.  It has a greater learning curve for everyone involved.  It encourages trust and self confidence.  For persons who have trust issues sometimes it is necessary to do nothing for them in order for them to trust not only themselves, but others intentions.
http://www.minuteofmindfulness.com/minutes/45-detachment-vs-non-attachment/
    Doing nothing means not detaching from the situation to the point where more suffering occurs.  It means not attaching to the idea that the only way something can and will be fixed is by your total immersion to the point of interference (almost addiction in appearance) into it.  We can attach to a multitude of unhealthy things.  Drugs, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, these are all obvious.  The less obvious are ideas, perceptions, feelings.  We tell ourselves that if only someone truly understood us, thought like us, believed like us, saw what we saw, the world would be a much better place.  But how boring would it be? 
   Doing nothing means sitting back and watching your kid fail while standing behind them.  Letting them know that you are there if they need you.  Sometimes just listening and saying nothing.  Letting them fail and learn from it.  Doing nothing means sometimes not getting involved in the drama.  It means not complaining about everything from a great vacation, to your wonderful kids, to your awesome devoted hubby of 30 something years. (that was a shout out to my wonderful hubby)  Doing nothing means understanding that you cannot fix everything; trusting that the universe, and the people, in it are capable of learning, growing, and changing, and just letting it be.  Doing nothing means having an understanding of human imperfections and being ok with them, even when they are your own.
   Simply put doing nothing sometimes means trusting that everyone every where wants the same basic thing.  To live in harmony. To be loved, understood, and accepted for who they are.  Even the terrorist thinks that they are fulfilling that purpose.  I agree its a bit twisted in thinking, and is not a route that I would take, but knowing that we are all basically on the same page brings me some peace.
    Doing nothing means detaching from feelings and perceptions that are negative.  Not attaching to unhealthy perceptions, well meant peace makers, and anything that may cause suffering.  It means supporting love, kindness and compassion.
   After a great deal of meditation on, and research on, the subject, because I am an over thinker and its what I do, I have come to a conclusion.  It is a conclusion, I have been told, that sounds slightly vain.  But I have also researched this perception and have drawn the conclusion that sometimes perception is enlightenment.  Enlightenment should always be shared.  http://www.dictionary.com/browse/enlightened?s=t  The vain part is saying that I feel enlightened in this area now.

•     We are human and subject to all the wonderful imperfections that go with being human.  Just accept it. 
•     We can understand, even get along, but we don't have to agree.  Just accept it.
•     We all make mistakes; most of us learn from them in our own time.  Learning is a choice.  Accept it.
•     Change is the one sure thing in life.  Let it come at its own pace; don't force it.  Accept it.
•     Its ok to be compassionate from a distance.  To understand what you are capable of doing and when.  Even acknowledging that perhaps the best thing you can do is nothing.  Accept it.
•     Many things are beyond our control.  We cannot change others perceptions we can only change our own.  Accept it.
• The best way to ensure change is to be the change.  Role model what you want to see.  Give it time to take place.

https://www.lionsroar.com/what-are-the-four-noble-truths/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
https://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/karma.htm

https://tricycle.org/magazine/no-self-or-true-self/

http://www.aboutdharma.org/cherishing-others.php/

http://www.aboutdharma.org/what-is-compassion.php/
http://www.aboutdharma.org/index.php/

The real world is beyond our thoughts and ideas; we see it through the net of our desires, divided into pleasure and pain, right and wrong, inner and outer. To see the universe as it is, you must step beyond the net. It is not hard to do so, for the net is full of holes — Sri Nisargadatta