Sweet Dreams

In the very early hours of the morning, when sleep escapes me, I find myself grieving.
For everything that was
And everything that could have been
I feel loss for
Parents gone before I was ready to say goodbye
Friendships never realized
Innocense lost
Bruises left
Lessons learned that I didn't want to learn
Haunted memories
Distant siblings
Years that I can't remember
Names I have chose to forget
Everything I couldn't fix
Things that I did and probably shoudnt have
Years with out a home
Money spent unwisely
Lost moments with my children
Lost love with my husband
Dreams of my youth
Then I breath deeply and remember
This is suffering
Something that we all share
I am not alone
This is the path we must all walk
What did I learn
I am strong
I can over come
I can teach
I don't hold onto materialistic things
Less is more
I surround myself with people who are authentic
Life is simple
I love
I am compassionate
I learn
I suffer
I am human
I will sleep
My dreams now are sweet

Evil In The Best of Us



       

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/power.html#RJhqr1YuqIXQElCf.99

           AHA!!  No more struggling to try and find something to blog about!  Found it!  Another type of humanoid!  Let me start off by explaining how I discovered this noid.  I actually knew (know just dont soscalize with him) this person and I thought he was the only one.  An albino of sorts.  Not rare, possibly on the near extinction list.  THEN oh my gosh I was introduced to another one!!  Amusing thing is that these people know each other!  So I started thinking...mabey they travel in packs?  Probably for safety, because when you are near extinction you hang with your own out of self preservation.  I want to give this humanoid a name, so lets start off with the description of how to sight one of these nearly extinct creatures.
          More often then not they are male, but lets be fair, there are females of this kind too.   They are jaded with the opposite sex of their species.  So if you are male you dislike females;  Females dislike males.  This does not by any means imply that they are gay.  Infact in my observations and knowledge gay people prefer intimate personal relationships of their own sex but are not adverse to the opposite sex.  
          The mind set of the species in question is such that they live almost backwards in their thinking concerning the opposite sex.  Resorting to labels that are out dated, generalized, prejudiced, and biased.   They are unable to sustain healthy, nurturing, loving relationships with the opposite sex.  Not only in an intimate nature, even simple freindships elude them.   They blame the opposite sex for this, and many other failures in their lives.
          I would like to say that all this attitude, anger, distrust, and dislike for the opposite sex stems from occurances like childhood/parent issues, divorces, abuse, neglect, bullying etc.  But I know many people who have been wronged by the opposite sex and hold no such pessimistic, destructive, attitudes.  So what is it?
          Hmmmmm... fear.  Yep that is it.   This species self esteem is rooted in the absolute belief that in order to feel secure in themselves they must hold on to everything that is wrong.  They must verbally abuse, belittle, and demean people around them in an attempt to feel better about themselves.  It is a form of control I think.  But control over whom?
          Im my observations most persons who attempt to engage in an intimate, or even friendship, with these people end up not staying for too long.   They dont like being made to feel small, stupid, inadequate, responsible (for everything), and most of all crazy.   I find that when someone attempts to make someone feel this way they actually feel this way about themselves.  
          There is a behavior management theory out there that people in the behavior/social sciences use to find tools to help someone with behavior/social issues.   When someone is able to manipulate an environment, to the point where people in it change their behavior, a few things should be observed closely.  Either they are very healthy, in the field of social studies and are using the manipulation as a tool to pull empathy from someone so they can learn; or the person who is manipulateing has some pretty deep seated issues concerning fear some where in their lives.   They may not even be aware of it and to be honset with you I have observed that many of these people are unaware of their inappropriateness. 
         Fear makes people do crazy things sometimes.  But it also makes heros.  So how do you know which one you are dealing with?   Well is it well intended? Or intentional manipulation?  They are different.  One is for the benefit of someone else, the other is selfish in nature.  One will give good feelings the other will not.  One will have immediate results the other will not; now this one is tricky.  You would think that someone giving good feeling, in this line of reason, would have immediate results.  But the opposite is actually true.  In dealing with bad behavior you don't always look for the short term rewards.  It takes time for anything, or anybody, to change.  So if you recieve immediate bad feelings from somoeone, then bingo, red flag.
          So anyways back to this humanoid.   Name, Name, Name.....then here it is the Pith of the Matter.  If we lable this person are we not we as bad as they are?  How can we name them after all the lables they have put on us?  So we won't.  Instead we will gain an understanding of who they are and why.  They get the gift of love and compassion.  But they dont get the gift of my company.   I also give them the power, and control, to say what they will about me.  After all...they only get as much power over me as I allow them. In the end what only matters is my own self worth; which I get power and control over. 

I am not interested in power for power's sake, but I'm interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Everything to Everyone

Husband,

father,
son,
brother
Wife,                                        
mother,
daughter,
brother
co-worker
employee
teacher
student
house keeper
caregiver
friend
where are you?
These are just titles that we have, they do not define who we are.
You can't be good at any of these if you are not good at being yourself.

The Middle

         


          This one is going to be fairly short and sweet.  Its about being in "the middle."   Specifically choosing to be in the middle of all the drama going on around you.  This is how I see it.  
          The middle is an equally distant point from the extremes.  It is a central place or person; it is the center.  If you are a self centered, selfish kind of person then choosing to put yourself in the middle of something benefits mostly you.  Someone who chooses this center doesn't care too much about the real issue; they just want some kind of attention, good or bad, focused on them. 
          If you are a fixer then being in the middle can be harmful to you.  It is impossible to be in the middle and fix what is going on from one extreme to another.   This is a choice to not be centered.  In this situation you end up taking sides; usually just to make your life a little calmer.
          Then their is a healthy middle.  It is along the lines of being truley centered or being balanced.  You are able to make choices based on your own personal morals and values.  You are confident in your choices because you know that they bring balance. Its interesting when you choose this form of being in the middle because you are able to listen to both sides, be compassionate of both sides, understand both sides, but not take sides.  (By the way be wary of someone who insists that you take sides.)
          For instance, in our home the house rule is that everyone who enters our home treats each other and the surroundings with respect. We do this not only for each other, but because it becomes a nuetral zone of sorts for anyone and everyone who enters it. People listen to each other, we have debates and intellectual conversations (and sometimes not so intellectual conversations) on a multitude of things, and no one leaves feeling hurt. This is a boundary we have established, a personal moral, a value, and it keeps our marriage, family, and home (and everyone who comes into it) feeling centered. When someone disrespects this we make every attempt to explain what is acceptable behavior for our home. If they get it GREAT!! If not the door is not locked, just closed, and we hope that at some point they will get it.
          The Pith of the Matter here is when you don't take sides you are confident in your own personal choices.  You understand that your choices arn't right for everyone else.  You still like and respect people who have their own ideas and opinions.  It has to do with boundaries that are healthy in your life.  This is a true center. It is balance.

Hope this clears THAT up for someone who may be confused.   :)

The Wisdom of the Drama Llama

"Engage and the mind grows heated.  Begin and the work will be completed."

     You know its interesting to me.  I can deal with people who others cannot.  I have dealt with mentally unstable people, people with addictions, people with physical and emotional issues, abusers, abused, etc. etc.  I stay calm.  I say and do the right things.   But put me in a situation where I like someone and they start to behave badly, start gossiping, cause drama and I turn into an anxiety ridden mess!  Why?  I dont get it; and I am tired of not getting it.  So I decided to bring it to an end.  Gonna find tools to give to myself for a change.  Hopefully it will help someone else too.
     First I looked up emotional drama.  Theres alot of crap out there on this, and yes I mean crap.  But I did find this  http://www.zen-moments.com/reject-emotional-drama-and-become-motivated-again.html  This was pretty interesting and to the point.  Reading through this there were some words/sentances that stood out to me.  This one particularly, "Drama consumes and excludes."  Well how bout that...seriously, it never occured to me; excludes.  Thats where the anxiety comes from for me. 
     Growing up I was excluded; not in just the usual play ground bullying kind of stuff, but (and Im about to share something very personal here) in another way.  I know I have mentioned in other blogs that the best Social Workers are good because they have had alot of the same experiences that their clients have.  They can relate to the people they are trying to help; so with out going into the past, which is exactly that, I will share this much with you.  An abused child who is guilted and bullyed into keeping secrets is excluded.  The exclusion for this child takes on a level that unless you have experienced it you will not understand.  It is a fact that professionals know and deal with.  I deal with it through my career and helping others. But putting myself out there to make friends is kinda a big deal for me.  The friendships I have I treasure.  They are honest, open, and worth while.  We cry together, laugh together and are just ...together.  My husband is in this catagory and two other women (they know who they are)  :). 
     When I make myself vulnerable to someone; and this includes inviting them into my home and sharing a meal with them, it is done cautiously.  So when I am faced with the fact that I horribly misjudged someone it does take a toll on me.  Oh not so bad that I become OCD, but it is sad for me.
I usually try to follow a certain set of rules concering making a new friend.  I listen to them alot, I start off sharing very small common interests.  I try to make a judgement based on factual evidence concerning their charecter, not only towards me, but others also.  I have a low tolerance for haters, anger balls, pesimistic people and vicitms.  I also have a even lower tollerance for gossip and drama.
      Gossip and drama are energy suckers; and not the good kind of energy suckers.   I do not subscribe to the theory that gossip is a form of socialization needed to bond certain societys together.  bleh. Unless of course you subscribe to the ideas of alienation, disrespect, caste systems, discrimination...well you get the idea.  The only drama I like is the kind I watch on tv, or the theatre (movie or stage)  I really like the drama on PBS.  :P   Thought provoking but entertaining.  Sorry I wander...
     I also have developed a way of dealing with the life sucking drassip. (gossip and drama combined)  I like to know that I have done everything in my power to sustain a possible friendship before I let it go.   I will discuss, or if necessary, send a letter, or e-mail asking what is up and how do we remedy this situation.  One of two things happens, the person responds nicely and the situation gets resovled...or it doesnt.   You can tell if its not usually because the response will instantly blame you for everything that happened.  I will stay open minded about the accusation I don't mind taking some of the blame but; one- I know it takes two people to have a disagreement, and two-I really don't want that much control over someone elses life!  There is a big difference between blame and negotiateing.
     I usually take one or two more stabs at making it work, but then Im done.  And when I say Im done I mean Im done.  Until I have some facts that the drassiper has changed their ways its adios amigo. 
     So why do I get upset?  Im cautious, mabey to much so sometimes, I make sure Im being respectful and courteous while setting what I feel are appropriate boundaries for me.  Heres some honesty for you... I really hate knowing that not only is there someone out there that doesnt like me, but that that person is doing everything in their power to get more people to not like me!  I mean WTF!?!  Yeah I know I shouldnt care...but...hmmm, we have come full circle to the exclusion thing  havnt we?
     Then it occured to me  (she says as the bells, horns, whistles and light bulbs go off) its a control thing.  Yes obviously for the other person, they want to feel in control of their environment and everyone in it and will hurt anyone who gets in the way the whole time feeling completely justified and unremorseful.  The think they are defending whats theirs but really they are just afraid,,,like me.  Aha heres the Pith of the Matter.   If I am truley Buddhist then the idea of giving up control of something that makes me (and others) suffer is necessary.  Understanding that suffering is even more necessary and learning to accept it is the end result.  It is one of the teachings at the core of Buddhism. 
     Gossip and drama are destructive, thats a fact, they hurt and exclude and therefore cause suffering.   The person who causes this deserves my compassion....dammit.  Sorry...Ohmmmmm.
This does not mean, of course, that I need to go and continue being friends with them, it is still really better to not give positve re-enforcement for bad behavior.  BUT!  I am going to turn this anxiety, and the fact that this person needs to make me look horrible (over a silly little thing) so that they can not only look better to themselves, but feel better into something good.  I dont want to be someone who needs to feel better about myself because I succeeded in excluding someone and/or made them feel hurt.
     SO the tool I will now use after the careful consideration of a new friend fails is to focus on the love and compassion in the world.  Exit from the drama.  "Once behind the stage curtain, you are again solidly in reality.  You are empowered and motivated to create.  But you must begin.  Use small motivators to encourage action.  Then further action will be easier." Change what I can.  Accept that I tried and failed.  Focus on the little things.  Focus on the people who really mean something to you.  Live authentically.  Do your best.
The old saying is true, "Life can turn on a dime."  It can be the simple.  God I love it when things are simple!