Damage: A guide for everyone experiencing an abusive relationship

        


           I have known so many people that have choosen to participate in abusive relationships.  So many that I lost count long ago.  A  few still stand out to me.  Like the mother who had to leave her own home because her white supremist children almost beat her to death.  The mom who picked up her kids and moved out of state in the middle of the night and was living in a shelter in fear of her husand tracking her down.  The mother of 7 who was married to her alcholic husband for over 30 years.  He use to play russian roulet with her while the kids played in the front room. (It was her sons who finally kicked him out of the house.) So many...so many.
          What possess's people to stay in relationships that are bad for them?  While females seem to be the ones who are usually quilty of this it is not specific to our gender.  Off hand I know a couple of guys who are in relationships with a significant other who makes them absolutely miserable.  While females usually dont do the physical abusing they are pretty good at mental abuse.  So many people, especially women, will state abuse as the reason for divorce.  Why is that?  I think some of these women need to make problems bigger then they are, but many of them leave because they were abused.  Many men also.  I can't figure out if I notice it more because of the field of work I am in or is the level and incidences of abuse rising? Here is some info. on that.  http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/content/action_center/detail/754?gclid=CLyb-a-4jbECFQeznQodgTkw8A 
          According to the following site 50% of marriages will end in divorce.  The percentage for divorce is greater if you are under the age of 25 and lessons as you get older.  So the longer you stay together the easier it is to stay married.  This site also states that the majority of divorced couples are childless.  It doesnt specify however if people stay together for the children.  It states that people who have children have less incidence of feeling lonely and over whelmed by life. Interesting.  So having people around who love you and respect you is important.  http://www.divorcerate.org/
         There is also an article from CNBC that basically states that couples who are more educated, of the same economic status and working towards the same goals have a better chance of staying married.
 http://www.cnbc.com/id/46797203/As_Two_Income_Family_Model_Matures_Divorce_Rate_Falls
          We know why people get divorced and we know why they stay together; but why do people enter bad relationships and stay?   I am not talking about your generic unhappy, he's not supporting me, or we just arnt having enough sex right now stuff.  Im talking about abusive, destructive relationships that hurt on a deeper level.  Here are some great sites that give some insight into this cycle.
http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/conflict-and-anger/why-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm
          I can tell you from experience that the hardest addiction to over come is the cycle of abuse.  I call it an addiction because, like so many other addicitons, no one can tell you that it is time to be done, that it is killing you, that it is hurting you and others around you...to stop.  The abused person is the only one who can see this at his, or her own time, and do something about it.  THe person in an abusive relationship almost becomes addicted to the bad feelings that are being constantly provided to them.  When they are in a good relationship that provides good feelings it feels different to them so they think, because they have never experienced these nice feelings before, that the good relationship is the one that is wrong...so they go back; or they find someone else who is abusive.  As a friend or family memeber the only thing you can do is the following.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4523539_help-victim-domestic-abuse.html
          Somethings that are not on here.  Get him, or her, to pack an emergency bag; for her and her children.  She should be prepared to leave at a moments notice.  Make sure she has a list of emergency numbers with her at all time including friends who she can turn to.   Keep a disposable camera on hand, a first aid kit and if possible a disposable track phone.  Yeah I know it would be so much easier for the person (and you) to just leave and not expose themselves to all this.  But if you read careflly through all of the above you will understand that it is not that clear cut.  As a friend, or family member, sometimes helping them prepare for the bad times is a wake up call.  Remember to help them prepare with petience, love and understanding.  They have enough uncontroleed anger in their lives, dont add to it.
          Another thing parents dealing with domestic abuse should know.   Child protective agencys will take your children away from you even if they are not recieving the physcial and/or emotional abuse.   Watching you go through it is putting them in harms way.  You are their role models and by choosing to stay, and not take care of your self, you are teaching a destructive pattern of behavior.  Child advocates will not allow this.  It is a basic human right to grow up in a home where you feel safe and loved.  It is one of your primary functions as a parent to provide this. The amount of people who will say that they stayed in an abusive relationship because it is what they saw growing up is staggering.  Break the cycle as soon as you can' for the sake of you and your children. 
          What if the abuse is not so evident? What if it is emtional abuse?  This site is pretty straight to the point.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CLbHyJeYjbECFQed7QodYCAT-Q
          Some people will state that emotional abuse is worse than physical.  I don't know about that...I personally would like a world with out either.   Emotional abuse eats away at a persons self esteem until they can't make a decision on their own.  They feel like everything that they do is unworthy and wrong.  Physical abuse is deamening, and controlling, on a level that includes everything emotional abuse has accompanied with the fear of physical pain.  Both do their fair amount of damage; combine them and the result is almost maddening.
          Another aspect of abuse is neglect.   http://www.familyadvocacy.net/fap/Neglect.aspx   Neglect will be the reason a child protective agency will take away your child.  Even if you have provided food, and shelter you still have not provided a safe loving environment.  Make a choice, your kids or the abusive mate?  I had a client once who choose her abusive souse over her children.  Her children ended up being raised by her mother who role modeled the abuse.  There's a cyclic dysfunction for you.  I guarentee that another, better, loving person will come along who will treat you with love and respect.  Who will be good to you and your children.
          What is the impact of neglect?  http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/neglect/chapterthree.cfm  While this site focus's on children there are plenty of sites out there that focus on adults.  The bottom line is that everyone needs love, affection, and respect to function in this world.  The with holding of any of these purposefully to control is abuse.  In our home we have never with held love as a form as discipline.  Love, affection and respect are dicsipline tools used to gain psoitive results.  If you are not getting these, or using them you should seriously re-evaluate your discipline, anc communication process; not only with your kids, but with each other as parents.  Why am I sharing all of this?
          Right now, at this point and time, my family knows of approximately five people who are making the choice to stay in relationships that are harmful.   Some of these people are aquaintances, some we know about from other friends/family, and some are persons we truley love and care for.  I am a fixer and I cannot express the level of sorrow I feel when a loved one makes a choice that hurts them.  A choice that they can get out of.  Yes it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.  But we are, and always will be here for you.  While every ounce of my being screams to just go and get you and drag you out of there I can't.  So all I can do is this...blog information that hopefully will empower you and others to help you.  There is no Pith of the Matter here...until you are safe and happy.