Apparition of a Butterfly

Apparition of a Butterfly 

Copyright Mark R Slaughter 2009

Upon a fuzzy vista – vision blurred –
I tried to focus; nothing ever solid
Came to view, but undeterred, I blinked
An eye to try again. Through the mist
A coloured hue; polychromatic flames
Had flickered at a whim; a rhythm bore
A thrumming too: a naturalistic hymn.
Behold! Were I to find a synonym to
Reproduce or recreate
The apparition of a butterfly,
Evolving through the waning vapour,
Drawing on a sigh from this romantic.
Glory be! The raging sun above
Had fired his furnace, flaming off
The hangers on. Now I saw the flare:
His time has come. He spread a tortoiseshell –
A scene of Mother Nature at her best.
I lay in peace in knowing I was blessed.

           Lately I have been feeling sorry for myself.  Yes I know, even I have been disappointed in myself.   It is unlike me to feel sorry for myself, I try to stay optimistic even when faced with huge challanges.  But let me be completely honest with you; it can become exhausting sometimes always trying to look on the bright side of life.   Life is messy, there is no way around it and life is full of suffering, that is a truth.   So this whole feeling sorry for myself once again gave me a reason to ponder; to bring me to a greater understanding and there fore a better attitude.
          In the spirtual path that I have choosen (Buddhism) the core of the teachings is how to deal with the suffering in the world.   The Four Noble Truths address the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to end of suffering.  In a nut shell suffering exsists, there is no way to escape it, but suffering has a cause, and end, and a cause to bring about its end.   This view is not meant to be negative.  Actually it is an equation for helping us deal with life as it is. 
         Feelings of pleasure and happiness are fleeting and the pursuit of pleasure is and always will be fluttering just beyond our grasp.  Sickness and death are a certain, we will all experience them at one time or another; either in our selves or through another.  We don't try to avoid suffering, we just try to understand where it comes from, we embace it, instead of avoiding it, then we move on.  This is a truth. 
         Someone shared something very profound with me once concerning truth/ honesty.  You lay the truth at someones feet then you back away from it.  This is done with politeness and respect.   At first I thought this statement had to do mainly with our communication with others.  But when I gave it a closer look it occurs to me that we do it for ourselves also.  So being able to admit that I am feeling sorry for myself is ultimately not such a bad thing.  I am laying the truth of how I feel at my feet, Im examining it honestly and openly and I will back away from it...eventually. 
         So haveing laid it at my feet, lets look at its cause.   We all have people in our lives who take more than they give.   When you are a giving person sometimes this gets to you.   While giving people are, on the whole, friendly by nature, even the greatest saint will become tired from time to time.  In many biographys of great humanitarians there is always a phase of disillsionment.  During these times of disolution it is human to want to have others show their appreciation for everything you have done.  We want someone to take care of us for a change. To recognize our hard word.  To recieve worldy words and actions of praise. But...and here comes the truth.  Is this why we choose to be giving?
         I think giving people are giving because if we are not it feels wrong to us.   Like some how we are going against our nature...what is natural to us.   So ultimately we do not expect to get anything back.   So where does the suffering come from?  I cannot blame anyone for choosing to not be giving either to me or to anyone else.   Yes sometimes I will point out the selfishness of an act.   But I do not expect someone to live as I do.  And lets face it I am by far no Mother Theresa.  
        I am not prepared to give up my comfortable material life, it is my cocoon.  Although I do have immeasurable amounts of respect for anyone who chooses to do so.  Does this make me a bad person?  I don't think so, I think it makes me honest, I do what I can.   And what I choose to do is still much more than others.   Once again though that is not why I choose to be giving.   I do it because I truley feel that that is why we are here.  
       We are humans.   Humans were not put on earth to make money and do nothing but contribute to the monetary value of the world.  Money does not make the world go round.  We serve a purpose and that purpose is to treat each other and the world we live in with love and compssion.   When we reach the end of our journey all the money and wealth we have accumalted will not be what makes a difference, it will be our deeds.  
        Someone once told me that hell is how many people show up at your funeral...interesting.   But Im going to add something to that statement...it is not only how many people show up at your funeral, but the quality of the people who show up.   Ghandi not only had heads of state but persons of absolutely no wealth or standing in the community attend his funeral.   He was admired for his deeds towards all of mankind.  (and womenkind)  This is Karma; the good or bad actions taken during a lifetime. 
       Good Karma, such as being generous, rightous and meditateing bring about happiness in the long run.   The weight that actions carry is determined by five conditions: frequency, repitition, determination, intention, action performed with out regret, action against extraordinary persons, and actions towards those who have helped some one in the past.  These are not done with the intention of obtaining enlightenment.   They are done because it ends suffering...or put more simply, gives you joy.  This joy brings about enlightenment.   Enlightenemnt is to give information or understanding; instruct.  To free from ignorance, prejudice, or superstition.  True enlightenment in Buddhism ends the cycle of reincarnation.   I know all of this so why do I choose to suffer?   
       The Pith of the Matter.   I am human.  I am subject to the same feelings that we all are.  Being Buddhist does not mean that we are somehow immune to being human, it means that we recognize that we are human.   It does not mean that we deny what we feel, it means that we recognize that what we feel is part of life.   It does not mean that we are exempt of suffering, it means that we are comfortable with embracing that suffering.  And it means that once we have recognized all of this we lay it at our feet and back away. It is the path of Nirvana that we continue to choose to walk.
        Nirvana is the supreme state, free from suffering and individual exsistence.  It is enlightenment.  It is being free from wordly concerns like hate, greed and ignorance.   It is forever strived for and rarely obtianed.   It comes in moments of supreme peace and meditation.  But even the most devout monk will share that only a fraction of humans walking the earth through out history can make claim to true enlightenment.  The reason being is that human nature gets in the way.  No one is truley free of suffering...and honestly do we really want to ne?  By choosing to avoid suffering we choose to not walk the path of Nirvana.   We choose to avoid being enlightened.   We choose to not learn and grow as a person. 
       So this is what I have choosen.   I will allow myself to be human.   I get angry, but I never truley hate.   I get tired, but never for very long.   I get disillusioned, but I eventually get back in touch with reality.   I will allow myself time to think and feel, because not doing this only prolongs the suffering.  I will allow myself to feel, because I want to be remembered for my deeds. I will never stop giving, even though doing so sometimes causes suffering and not joy.  And while I am relalistic that my path of reincarnation will continue, because I have not reached a continuous state of enlightenment, I am satisfied with knowing that perhaps, just mabey, my next state of being will be one of the big yellow butterflys that play with each other, and have made a happy home in my back yard.  For now lying in wait comfortably, contentedly, in my cocoon, being able to watch, them is my Nirvana.