Daughter

          I am a mom.  A mom of two sons, well three, two natural, one adopted.  Then there are the wide circle of my sons friends who call me mom.  It is a compliment.   I have been a mom for 25 years, and it is far and away the most rewarding job I have ever had the pleasure to have.   While I have loved this job I have a secret.   I have harbored secret jealousy's over friends with daughters.  Well mabey this is not such a secret.   Until recently I have been the only female in my immeidate family.  About a year ago my eldest found the one and I got a daughter.   For years I have fantasized about having one, but no one could ever have explained adequately that having a daughter would be such a joy!
          My life for the most part has been filled with little boy, and then "guy" things.   For awhile there I knew every make of every car on the road thanks to Matchbox and Hotwheels.   I knew where the car isles in every Toys-R-Us in almost every city of every state were.   Some times, just for fun, I would make my guys walk down the Barbie Isle with me.  No one could leave until I had closely scrutinized every designer Barbie.  I still feel a loss for not purchasing the Scarlet O'Hara Barbie.  But where would it fit into all the guy stuff in my home?  At some point she would have ended up being the giant southern bell beast smashing cars through a block city modeled after New York City and the Empire State Building.
          The walls in my house have always been dripping with testosterone.   Until the last five years the house was never clean.   There were always shoes every where any and a line of dirty foot prints leading up to where the shoes should not have been.   T-shirts hastily removed and thrown onto any surface large enough to hold them.  First there were small cars littering the floors; then there were large cars littereing the driveway.  Pop bottles empty, or half drank, empty bags or half eaten bags of whatever, glasses, plates, bowls, napkins, socks, DVD's, CD's, computers, and computer parts, are all part of a short list of things that I picked up on almost a daily basis.  Chairs moved to a better postion in the front room in order to play the newest racing game, or shooting game.  Friends coming in and out, spending the night, and always eating.  Boys appitites are much bigger then girls; there never seemed to be enough food.
          Radio Shack use to be a favorite family outing.  We saw every car show that came into town, and every action movie.  (I still silent thank yous for them never being remotely interested in WWF.) If we did something cultural, like going to a museum, I had to make sure that there were exhibits of guns, cars, dinosaurs, bugs, rocks, electronics and all things testosterone.  Of course I would stealth in paintings, historical clothing, toys, (specifically dolls) and other forms of art that the males would not be apt to go see with out me, but in order to keep their attention I had to be prepared to creatively share information about anything "female" in a way that my males would respect.  I was always pleasenlty surprised to find that they would stop, look and listen intently to what the little plaque had to say about these "girly" things.  They would even ask questions!
          They played soccer, wrestled,  did gymnastics, Boyscouts (for nine years), hiked, camped, road bikes, sledded down mountain sides (I stayed home and manned the hot chocolat for that one) went to parks and climbed the tallest playground structure they could find (stayed home for that too).   They had home made swords and shields, big dogs to attack, then knock them down and slobber happily all over their faces.   During monsoon rains I dressed them up in rain ponchos and boots and sent them off with buckets, shovels, and little plastic boats to play happily in the rain and mud.  They dug rivers and lakes, jumped into puddles and then couldn't come back into the house until the mud was washed off of them.  Despite my efforts the bath tub always needed a cleaning afterwards anyways.
          Then they started growing up.   They learned to drive and started spending more time away from home.   Always making sure to bring friends home for us to meet to ease their mommy's worries of who were they with and what were they doing.   They grudgingly followed the who, what, where and when, of going out, staying out late and using our cars. They moved out then home again.  They went off to college, got jobs and met girls.  The home became cleaner and neater; there was less to do for others and more time to do for myself.  My husband and I have dates nights again and we no lonager have to budget for a babysitter. Sometimes I find myself, out of habit and nostalgia, stearing muy car into the parking lot of a Radio Shack.  I go in and just stand in the middle of the store, with a single tear hovering precariously, ready at any minute to dribble down my cheek, while some where off in the distance a sales man repeats,"Maam can I help you?  Maam can I help you?..."
          Then, one day, they meet the girl that they want to spend the rest of their lives with; and I get that daughter Ive always dreamed of.  :)  All understanding for the experiences we have in life always come after the fact.   We never really understand why we travel the path we are on.  We just walk it as steadily as possible, throwing the rocks and branches out of the way as we go.   It is the journey not the destination; do your best while on that path and you will get to where you are suppose to be going.  After the journey of raising my sons I understand that no only do you have to experience the transitions of your children growing up to prepare you for their moving out, but the transition that comes afterwards is to prepare you for a daughter.
          It is hard to share the joys of a daughter, when you have never had one, with out sounding all silly about it.   Mother's with daughters look at you with that look that says,"you poor dear you just don't have a clue do you?"  When my son first brought the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with home, I am not shy to say, that after they left both my husband and I knew that she was family.   The joy I felt, and still feel, is not just the relief of knowing that someone has finally taken him off our hands.  :P  It comes from seeing that all those years of giving up a portion of my femaleness was not for nothing.  
          I have admittedly felt awkward around another female in my male dominated home.   Haveing another female here on a regular basis for holidays, special events, and family dinners was, at first, not only different for me, but interesting.  I found myself observeing her closely, not to see if she was right for my son, but because she was something new for me.   I had forgotten what having another female in the home was like, even though I grew up with two sisters.   Her perspective, her warmth, her smile, her laugh, her love, her voice and her sheer presence has brought a warmth to my home that I didn't realize was missing.  Is this what having a daughter is like?  My home was never lacking for love, even during the really tough times.   What a joy to have another famale around who understands what being female is!   Then it happened, and quite with out warning; it genuinly through me for a loop.
         This year for my birthday, I recieved the first handmade gift in years, since my sons were little and still in elementary school.   My future daughter in law used a cigar box and decorated it inside and out.  It has my favorite colors in it, it is lined and it reflects me.  I never knew that in, what I considered to be such a short amount of time, that she had payed attention to who I was as a person, and not just a mom.  This is what having a daughter is about.   While I have loved my sons dearly, and still continue to, girls are different from boys.  My sons have given me many wonderful gifts.  My youngest is very adept at choosing well thought out gifts.  But for some reason recieving this beautifully decorated box from my sons girlfriend was different.  I didn't know that, really, until my son brought this wonderful girl home.  
          There is a quiet natural understanding between females.  Our men do or say things and we will look at each other quietly with looks that say,"sigh...I know honey, just take a deep breath."  Having a daughter in law has made me remember evenings alone with my sisters while we giggled and talked until my parents told us to go to bed.   I have heard other women complain about their daughters in law.  They don't like anything about them, they don't like the way they take care of their sons, keep house, cook, etc. etc.   This is what I have to say about that;  no one takes care of my sons but my sons, and the relationships that they choose reflect that.   The women in their lives are smart, independant, outspoken, self confident and beautiful individuals.  
          Some times, in the past, like all females, I have had dark days.  Days where I have pondered why am I doing all of this?  When Ive had to pick up one too many socks, when Ive had to load the dishwasher with dishes that are piled on the same counter as the dishwasher, when I want to go see the latest "chick flick" with my family and they all rebel.   It all comes full circle eventually.  What I put on hold to move my sons forward has now come back to me tenfold.  The best gift I have ever recieved from my sons is their success in life and relationships.  The little handmade box is a reflection of that, that I will treasure forever.   Having a daughter is a gift from my son that I will always cherish, nothing will ever come close to it, well except mabey grandchildren one day. :P  It is not just that she is a daughter to me; she is a wonderful human being that has choosen to accept my son, and his family into her life unconditionally.  She is family adn I finally have the daughter that I have always dreamed of.