-Andrew Greeley
What is this thing we call adolescence? And why does it seem to be so difficult to go through; not only for the person experiencing it but for everyone around the adolescent experiencing it? We all go through it. In order to reach adult hood we have to first enter, and emerge, from adolescence. But still, it really is the one phase of development that is the most trying for the majority of people. Truth. Not learning the critical aspects of the adolescent phase enables many adults.
I like adolescence actually, next to 3 and 4 year olds it is my favorite stage. The reason being, and this should bring a smile to all parents, two to four years olds are a great deal like adolescents. Truley, think about it. All are learning to problem solve and communicate. All are suddenly expereincing a bigger world. They are fascinated and frightened by this all at the same time. They all throw huge fits and use language inappropriately. The one major difference is speech. Where as toddlers are still developing this and have no concept of swear words, adolescents do; they also have now acquired a huge vocabulary and understand how to use words. Adolescents have also fine tuned the art of manipulation, which is good, it is exactly what they should know. So now let me explain all of this.
I have a dear friend who is having difficulty with one of her adolescent children. I hope she doesnt mind me using her for this. Let me start of by saying she is an awesome person; and I am not just saying that to ice over the fact that I am going to use her as an example (although she will not be the only example I use because I will need to use someone who is a far worse parent then her :) ).
Anyways...lets start off by defining adolescence.
http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=what+is+adolescence&btnG=&hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C10&as_vis=1
Adolescence actually starts at the age of 10 and goes until age 22; sometimes as long as 24 depending on the maturity of the individual. Adolescence is basiclaly the phase of development that introduces puberty. It is the transitional phase into adulthood. Im sure all of us can remember, for the most part, the physical and emotional changes that we all went through during that time. It is by far the longest phase of development for a reason. There is a great book called Yes Your Teen Is Crazy written by Micheal J. Bradley. This is a great book; you dont have to read it cover to cover, you can pick and choose what sections of the book you want to read as the need arises. In this book there are two very significant things that Bradley talks about. One is the changes to brain development in an adolescent. Bradley says that if an adult was experiencing all the chemical imbalances in the brain and body that an adolescent was we would be institutionalized. This is a significan statement and if given thought helps an adult, dealing with an adolescent just one important tool in using petience with a tenn/young adult. The second is what he defines as The 10 Commandments of Parenting Your Teen. Not really religiously driven, although it does sound that way; it is full of great humor and insight. A must read. :D First lets look at brain development.
There have been many improvement done on brain development, especially in adolescents. Here are some sites for you to check out. These are all scholarly publications. http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=brain+development+in+adolescence&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=bvHuUIm-F4-K9QSQloDoAQ&ved=0CCwQgQMwAA
I can tell you what I know and remember as being important. It has been observed and proven that teens and young adults are capable of doing everything that an adult can...with a few differences.
One-they are dealing with all that chemical imbalance stuff so a great deal of petience, guidance and support is needed.
Two-they more often than not are capable of doing much better than an adult; why? Well they have yet to be caught up into the idea of the norm. You know that ugly giant machine that says you are doing that wrong; you need to do it like everyone else. They still have the ability to be creative and have the energy to be creative with. They will experiement with ideas, think outside the box using what is available to them...if given the room to do so.
BUT they will become frustrated easily more often then not and want to give up, which is why it is crucial to have a petient, supportive adult to say,"take a deep breath try again" or,"take a break and come back to it when you feel calmer."
It has also now been proven that, aside from infancy through toddlehood, the adolescent brain is growing by leaps and bounds; taking in a HUGE amount of information. Think about it...up until adolescence you, the parent, have been there to protect and do an awful lot for them. Suddenly they are thrust into advanced social situations. They spent more time with their friends, less time with you. They spend more time alone, thinking of things on their own. Which is exactly what you want them to do, so dont fret.
They suddenly have to observe very closely all kinds of things that you use to watch for them. They are not only seeing all of their friends and family in their world differently, but all the strangers also. And all those rules that you have been teaching them? They suddenly are forced to try and not only remember, but to put into play. Now dont forget that their brain is growing, and all areas of their body is full of chemicals they have never had before. It is truley enough to make anyone, even the most logical level headed adult, act crazy. So they roll their eyes, take deep cleansing breaths that look more like your such an idiot, slam doors in frustration, and experiement with language and behavior that make most parents ask where did my sweet little girl, or boy, go? But fear not, this passes. More importantly with every mistake, every eye roll, every deep sigh, every slamof the door, they learn they can do it on their own, which is what you want.
I have this hypothesis, we need to hate our adolescent children, and have them hate us, in order to prepare for them leaving the house. Lets face it, if they were wonderful human beings that we loved living with we would never support them leaving the house, and family, and starting their own life. (Which means you and your hubby will never fully be able to enjoy every room of your home again...if you get me drift.) It is the process. Back to my friend. In her horror her daughter spoke very disrespectfully to her in front of me. But I want to say to her, its ok. First of all Ive seen worse, and second of all it truley is a sign that she is parenting her daughter well. :) I would be far more shocked if her daughter was doing everything (at 20 years of age) that her mother wanted her to do with no problems. Seriously, Ive been in houses where adolescents have had no opportunity to express themselves...it is not really pretty. Usually these kids are being abused some how.
If your teen, or young adult, is being disrespectful to you, you are doing a good job. If they hate you, think you are stupid, and argue with you GREAT! They are questioning you. You are the safe adult in the position to let them learn how to do this properally and respectfully. With that said here are a few "tools" that a parent can use to save your sanity while teaching your ad. We have already established that your adolescent is crazy right now for awhile, it will pass; but you have gone through this already, there is no need for your sanity to be questioned again. So here are a few basic things you can use (and I have, and still do, use them).
1.) The whisper voice. People always look at me in disbelief when I suggest this one. When you come from a family that is use to yelling to make a point it seems even crazier. One of the things Ad's (adolescents) need to learn is how to communicate with out you in the real world. What do they learn from you when you yell at them all the time? So introduce the whisper voice. I actually announced to my sons, at some point, that I have decided that I am not going to allow them to let me use up my precious energy by yelling at them anymore. This was, and still is, energy that I could be putting towards things that I enjoy in life, reading, drawing, gardening. After spending what ever amount of time was needed to yell at them all I wanted to do was escape into my room and veg infront of the tv. sometimes crying. So instead I started whispering when I was really angry with them. Now they know that when I start whispering they are in HUGE amounts of trouble. They suddenly become very respectful. AND they have to quiet down, and slow down to hear what I am saying. What does this teach? Respect for one, anger management, and how to communicate properally. All my sons are exceptional at dealing with irate, crappy bosses, and customers, it has gotten them far in their careers.
I had clients once who actually laughed out loud at the idea of the whisper voice. I gave them my standard reply when confronted with disbelief,"Until you have tried using this for 30 days, it takes approximately 30 days to make or break a habit, then talk to the hand," and i would hold my palm up to them. These clients were bikers, and not just any bikers, they were Outlaws, one percenters; so lucky for me my behavior and confidence gained their respect; so they tried it. Low and behold, on one of our visits they said to me,"You know we started using the whisper voice instead of yelling, at first it was a joke and we laughed about it almost mocking it but then we found that it was working!" They were one of my success storys, they got custody of their daughter back, both have good jobs and a home now. I got a thank you card and a picture of their daughter after they got her back. Try it, turst me, it works.
2.) The time out, or calm down time. It use to be used to put your kid into a corner, or their room, after behaving badly. Now it is for you and teaches your kid once again how to communicate, and use their feelings appropriately so they will be listened to.
Isnt that what we all want in the end? To have someone listen to use when things are crappy? None of us want to listen to a ranting, raging, swearing disrespectful person who is spewing spit all over us while their face is two inches form ours while they sceam utter nonsence. (Been there, with more clients then you know who have never learned, or been tuaght these skills.) When your ad. begins to behave disrespectfully to you do the following in this order.
a.) take a deep ceansing breath, make it noticeable so they can see that you dont like what is happening; but dont say or do anytihng else then this.
b.) listen...just sit there and watch and listen petiently. Try to look through the behavior to what the real issue is; are they over tired from working and going to school at the same time? Boyfriend or girlfriend problems? Friend problems? Money (usually lack of) issue? I know all of these seem small in comparrison to what we have to deal with daily, but remember, it is important to them and new to them.
c.) when you think they are finished ask,"are you done?" if they are not let them rant some more; repeat steps a, b and c until they are done. Then do one of the next steps. Ask did talking to you in that manner help them? No matter what their answer is smile, take another deep breath and reply," I understand that you are still learning to communicate, but I would appreciate in the future if you try harder to speak nicely with me. If you can perfect how you talk with me then talking to a boss, boyfriend, etc. will be a piece of cake for you." They might at this point come back with why should I you never do, you then say,"you are right, but I have decided that I have been wasteing too much negative energy with this behavior and I dont want to do it anymore." (Then you have to make sure and follow through on this.) This tool works because ads are VERY focused on hypocrusy and fairness. If you want them to use a certain behavior then you have to use it too. Keep this up until they realize you are serious and their tone changes. When their behavior improves you have won! Your job here is done, this house is clean!
OR the next option (which in all honesty mostly happened in this house) is what they have been saying, and the way they have been behaving, pisses you off so much that you cannot talk with them; then you can use the following. Look at them straight in the eyes very seriously, and using the whisper voice say,"please leave the room, I am very angry with you right now and dont think it is a good time for us to talk." (I have also said in my whisper voice," go away quickly, run," and my personal favorite," you my not be in the same room as me until further notice.")
Be for warned; many times your ad. will argue with you at this point, they are not going to drop the whole thing that easily. (Once again a good sign; you don't want a weak meely mouthed ad. do you?) What you need to remember here is that you are teaching them appropriate anger management skills. I cant tell you how many young parents I use to coach on how to use anger management skills. Many of these parents had had jail stints because they blew up over silly little things that they could have easily walked away from. Their kids were taken away from them because of it. When I would talk with them, to help them understand their behavior, every single one of them, no exageration, would say, that they came from familys where everyone behaved the same way...its what was taught and learned from their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts etc. All it truley takes is one adult to show them something different. Ads. love doing better then their parents. Give them a reason to be rebellious in a postivie way.
If your ad wont leave the room then you leave. Go to your bedroom if necessary and lock the door. I have coached parents who have teens completely out of control and will tell me that they could never walk away from them, or lock the door. The ad would break down the door, pound on it until their hands are black and blue, throw things, break things, etc. etc. Ok...a couple of things here. If your ad is that out of control there is deffinetely a problem; drugs, abuse some where, stress in school, bullying, the point is that this is not normal behavior and it is your job to help them. If it is drugs, or other destructive behavior, you must intervene; experts must be called in, and sometimes the police.
I have coached a few parents on calling the police when their ad is out of contol and destructive. They always start off not wanting to do that, which I completely understand. I am a parent too, and it pains me greatly to have to teach lessons the hard way. Life would be so much easier and happier for everyone if everyone just took the easy way out. But it really rarely ever happens that way does it? So even I, and my husband, have let a son spend a night in jail while I stayed up all night crying; immediateley the first thing in the morning my husband went and got him out of jail, but he NEVER got himself in that position again. All those parents whom I coached, who let the behavior continue for awhile, eventually called the police, and watched, and cried while their ad was handcuffed and removed from the home. BUT here is the teachable moment. The behavior got better; things improved.
At 15 years of age an adolescent can be tried as an adult if the court system deams it so. They can also be handcuffed and removed from school grounds starting at age 13. At age 15 doctors dont have to divulge your childs medical information to you naymore; so your daughter can be on birth control with out your knowledge, or you son could have tested positive for drugs, and the doctor, legally, cannot tell you. SO if they have these ADULT MATURE privledges how do you protect them? YOU DONT! It is time for them to learn to protect themselves. SO the natural consequences of bad behavior outside your home is the possibilty of being arrested right? SO if you have control over this experience, and can give it to them from the safety of your home to teach them a lesson of the reality of the outcome of their destructive behavior, WHY would you choose not to give it to them? Isnt giving them as many life experiences, while with in the safe protective boundaries of your home, YOUR JOB? Better you then some stranger who may not understand your child and drop charges.
This is an extreme scenario and in all reality really doesnt take place that often. In my experience with all my sons all I have had to do is whisper," leave the room until I am calm and then we will finish this converstaion" and they take it seriously and do so. My husband will say," I cant talk to you right now, Im really pissed"...our kids get it. In return we have had to be respectful of them when they choose not to discuss things. Which brings me to my next point.
3.) ASK questions and express what you feel only. When your child hits adolescence they really do still want your opinion, guidance and support; they just dont want to listen to you lecture them. So communication becomes an art form. Here is what I have learned is effective.
When they need advice pose everything in the form of a question. "So what are your options? What do you think you should do here? What did you do? What did they do? What will you do next time? What did you learn? etc etc." If they dont have the answer dont immediately give it to them. Ask,"do you want my help or do you want to work it out on your own?" The idea is to gently guide them to the conclusion you want them to have with out actually telling them what to do. :D
Remember they are learning to problem solve, they must learn from their own mistakes. AND they are also learning to be adults; when you have a friend who has a problem do you fix it for them or do you listen? Do you give them advice with out them asking for it? Your ad is going to be an adult, and when your kids become adults they become your equals for the most part. Dont you want them to be able to help you in your old age? They really will not do this unless they have the skills to do so. More importantly dont you want them to be successful, independant, members of society who contribute with compassion? THey must learn to think on their own for this to happen. At 31, 26 and 20 all my sons have had information that I did not know. Recieving this is great!
There have been a few times where my husband and I have decided that we still would not give the answer to a problem one of our sons had. We posed questions only and waited while they figured it out. (Which I can tell you not only caused frustration for everyone involved but moments of humor for my husband and I.) We felt it was crucial that they figure it out on their own. Usually these instances are conected to respect issues and there are consequences attached.
During these times the bank, and support, of mom and dad temorarily ends. This is not treated as a punishment, but a learning opportunity and is presented as such. We have told them peteintly using our whisper voices that, in real life you will loose a job, loose friends, loose family, etc. for using this behavior; you need to figure out why and how to fix it, until then we are unable to share our car, share our money, share our internet etc. The bigger picture here, also, is learning that we all depend upon each other, and while it is appropriate to want to be independent there is a difference between selfish and selfless. Understanding that and finding balance in this notion is important in feeling successful. Feeling successful is important in being successful. We all make mistakes, being comfortable with them, and learning from them, is what moves us forward in life; blame does not.
When you find it necessary to share your opinion, wisdom, experience with them to help them learn you do it quickly, thoughfully, respectfully, and quietly. Bascially you always start with,"I feel" "I feel it is important that I share with you my experience in this area to help you learn. It is up to you whether or not you want to use this. But please let me do my job as a parent and share this with you." Then make it quick. Dont go into your grandma this and your grandpa that. Dont say I had a boss that was an ass and this is what you need to do. Make it more along the lines of, in my experience there are far more employers who dont know what they are doing then know what they are doing; it is called the Peter Principle, raising someone to their level of incompetancy instead of leaving them where they do the most good....You need to find a better way to deal with this situation; do you want some suggestion?" or "Family is defined as a mother, father and children, You are beginning to progress out of that definition in this home and make your own family and home. But we are always here for you if you need us. I miss helping you. and being there for you, but I understand." "It gives me pain to see you struggling, my experience in this area was not good; but I know my experience is not yours and you will handle it differently. DO you want to know what I learned from this and take it for what it is?" You get the general idea....
The general idea behind I and You messages is this. "You" is only used in areas of praise. "You did so good, Im proud of you, I love watching you do that, Your so good with people...etc. etc. "I" messages are used to explain feelings. "Im feeling upset right now and dont think its a good idea we talk about this until I am calmer. Im feeling really sad right now and feel like crying. Im feeling hurt by what you just said, did you mean for that to happen?" YOU DO NOT say when you did that you made me feel....Our feelings are our own. No one can devalue them because we own them; with that said we cannot not really blame anyone for them either. We can imply that we find ourselves feeling a certain way after something was said our done; but technically we can choose not to be hurt by someone or something. ALthough I maintain that when you are connected intimately to someone they do have a certain power over your feelings. Knowing that though still gives you control over how you choose to use your feelings. There is a difference between conflict and confrontation, and reacting and responding. One is healthy the other is not. If you choose to never confront, or respond, it can be unhealthy physcially and emotionally for everyone involved. So learning to communicate effectively is important. Everyone has the right to speak and be heard. It is truely the way you say something that makes a difference.
In my household we recently have an inside joke based off a facebook post. The post went something like, when someone says something stupid I could say...(and at this point there was a long intellectual explanation) Or I could just say Fuck You. So now when someone says something that we dont want to take the time to explain we say fuck you. :D The other family member, or close friend, gets the joke and laughs. Not what you say...how you say it.
4.) Set clear boundaries and follow through. This one is so important; with out it everything else wont work. This one is by far the hardest. When my eldest was small and was sad, or being scolded for something he would pout. Not just any pout mind you, his lower lip some how got HUGE and tears would well up in his blue little eyes with those long eyelashes and he had this look like the world had just ended because he disappointed us...sigh. He quickly learned that all he had to do with me was use this look and I would scoop him up in my arms and say its ok mommy still loves you just dont do it again...negateing any follow through on my part for consequences. He used this ploy, and still does sometimes, for years. Live and learn...my youngest didnt have it so good, but he is far better at setting goals and following through. Understand where I am going with this?
When we set appropriate boundaries for ourselves in our lives and follow through with them we teach our kids this valuable skill. My eldest is able to now set goals and acheive what he wants in life with confidence and success. But with our youngest it is really almost a natural skill...its kind scarey really. Part of this is individual temperment Im sure, but another part of it is what I learned as a parent. With my first I was so enthralled by my gorgeous little toddler that I hated to see him sad and struggle. The plus side of this is he is an extremely empathetic and compassionate person. With my second I knew it was important to still make him clean up his room or I would be doing it for him until he moved out. It took my eldes to move out to really learn to pick up after himself.
When you say,"If you break curfew you will not have car privledges for a week," then you MUST make it so. If you say your room and homework MUST be done before you leave the house then you not only make it so, but you CHECK to make sure it is so. If you tell them you are not going to take care of the dog that they brought into your home with out your consent that DO NOT help take care of their dog. It is the right think to sit there calmly and watch your daughter rant, irrationally, about how you didnt support her in this decision...its not a kid for crying out loud; and if it were it would still be her responsibility. Support does not always mean doing things for them, sometimes it means supporting their decision to do it with out your help! After all...they cant be an adult and still need their mommy right? Whats that saying? Something about having your cake and eating it too...? Something like that you get the idea.
Another boundary that I think is important to teach. When an ad hits 18, and usually at 19 especially, they suddenly gain what is called the entitled attitude. Whats yours is mine thinking. That car your letting me use? Well Im going to treat it any way you like and you still have to give me gas money, and keep it clean for me. Oh and by the way how dare you ask that I do anything to earn that privledge. HUGE BLEH here! When they hit this phase I firmly beleive it is important for you to state that legally you really dont have to provide anything to them. They are reaping the benefits of your hard work while more often then not we, as parents, sit home once again giving up things so that they may have. All the while still getting eye rolling, sighs, slamming etc. I dont think so...I have said in my whisper voice to my youngest, with a smile on my face, very calmly,"You know you don't have to live here." I will get a look that implys oh so your going to freak out and kick me out. But no I turn the tables on him. "Don't misunderstand, i say, your father and I are happy to share what we have with all of you. As long as we have a home you have a home. But you should understand that this is our home, our cars etc. We are the ones who work very hard for all of this and you are taking advantage and being disrespectful and that is unacceptable here. SO if you think you are ready to be on your own, cause your behavior is suggesting that is what you want then of course we will suppport that. BUT if you still need my and your fathers support financially (AND that is the clincher.) then I suggest you change your attitude or we will not share with you anymore." I smile and wait for a reply. The answer is always,"Im sorry, Im having a bad day, Im really tired, etc. etc. And he continues to be an outstanding individual.
It is VERY hard to watch someone you love struggle. But life will never feel easy until someone learns how not to struggle through their decisions and choices. If they are finding that a choice they have made makes life more of a struggle for them then perhaps it was the wrong choice and should be re-evaluated. This is not a failure! It is a learning opportunity. As a parent you need to stand firm in the boundaries you have set and follow through...unless you make a mistake. Then suck it up and say so.
I personally dont like guilt...it is a wasted emotion in many aspects. This feeling is what we call a red flag. It initially tells us that something is not right. This is true, initially it does tell us that something we have done has triggered something bad. But is it truley something bad? Or something we were taught was bad and actually is not? I have had clients who had experienced a horrific amount of abuse. Things most of us dont even imagine. These people will feel guilty if they recieve a beating from their husband, some how thinking that it was their fault. Bleh....wiping off monitor. It is up to us to figure out if guilt is genuine or not then let it go. When we hold on to guilt others use it against us, either intentially or not. Especially our kids. If we let them believe that their behavior is justified for something we think we should have done better in the past, while they were young, then not only do we not progress and learn as people, but they wont either. We are not showing them that everyone, especially there parents who are human also and capable of mistakes, can change. If there is one sure thing in life it is that things and people change.
There came a point in my eldests sons life, in his teens, that I realized that I was not helping him by giving in to the pouty face. But it was hard for me to stop. So I recruited the help of my husband to begin with. This is what we did. We had a family meeting and I explained to my son that I was wrong. By giving in to his pouty face I was causing him harm and I was sorry. Because it was hard for me to deal with, and because I did not want him learning to take advantage of people which I was role modeling, his father was going to step in and help. The tag team rule came into effect.
When I found it difficult to deal with our sons behavior I said tag your it and my husband would say ok. Now this became interesting and something happened that we didnt bargain for. If I had to tag out my husband came in with guns pulled from the hip. He was quick, quiet, and firm. CLean the room now or give me the keys to the car. You cannot go anywhere until that room is clean per my inspection. And the inspection process was harsh. All our sons started learning that it was far better to do what I asked them, the first time, with respect then have to deal with their dad. I gave them more room to be themselves. Hubby wanted it done the way he wanted it done. :) Did my husband do this on purpose? ABSOLUTELY!!! He wanted them to learn that for what ever situation they were in, whom ever they were dealing with, it could be worse. When they learned this he eased up. My relationship with our eldest is great now and full of respect. (ps...they now know this was done for them to learn from and respect the process.)
5.) Last but certainly not least PRAISE! Say as many good things about your ad, and everyone in his/ or her life during this time as often as you can. Praise instills good feelings. Good feelings give us confidence. Confidence makes us successful. In child development there is something called the five to one ratio; for every piece of bad news you have to deliver you end with five pieces of praise. "OK, so you wrecked the car and that deffinetely was not good. BUT no one was hurt, you learned to never do that again, you behaved calmly and respectfully through it all, you made all the right phone calls, you took pictures, you filed the police report and you are sorry. I am not happy about the car but I am very proud of the way you behaved." Get it? ALos give and show love always. I kinda make my sons hug and kiss me still even though they pretend not to like it...pretend being the opportive word here. (My youngest sometimes has to work hard at concealing his joy at a great hug.)
The Pith of the Matter is be realistic when you need help teaching those people. Its hard work and will make you feel tired, angry, frustrated, guilty and even crazy. Try to use the tools when ever you can. Take breaks and keep your sense of humor. There is a standard rule when dealing with unwanted behavior; usually in behavior disabilitys etc. but it applies all over. When someone is feeling out of control with their behavior they will create, usually unintentially, out of control environments that people living with in will react to. (react being the opportive word here, not respond, there is a difference.)
So take your ad for instance who is dealing with hormones, brain growth, chemical imbalances, problem solveing, communication issues, all kinds of new opprotunitys, environments and people. They feel out of control, confused, angry, depressed, elated, excited, free, all at the same time and most of the time dont know why. Adolescence is from 10 to 22 because it takes that long for ANYONE, even in their right mind, to figure it all out. In the beginning of it all it is going to be really crazy, but it eases up. The trick is to be the calm in the eye of the storm no matter what.
If by chance you cannot, then be prepared to apologize. Respect is truely earned...but with an ad the thing to remember is you wont see the benefits of your hard work, and respectful behavior that you gave them, and more often then not was not returned, until they are past adolescence. The thing to remember is that in order to see the benefits you have to role model what you want to see in them. In western civilization we have a bad habit of just telling our ads what they should do but never really taking the time to walk them through it. Do it with them. Help them think it out while they are experiencing it. Teach them to problem solve and critically think. This truely is a western civilization habit. When your child was small and leanring to build a block tower didnt you give them time and perhaps even sit with them and point out which blocks to use to encourage their success? Didnt you praise when they used the right block and the tower got bigger and bigger and never toppled over? While this is the same thing; only now its not blocks, it people, jobs, school, and real life situations.
When my son was 25, living on his own and engaged to my now daughter in law he called me and said,"You were right." I replied,"About what?" Trying to recall conversations I had had with him and running a few things I could have been right about. (I have never claimed to be modest. :P ) Then he said something unexpectantly,"About everything." This came out of the blue. It truely was a spontaneous phone call made to say that and that only. I remember saying that I was pretty sure I wasnt right about everything but thank you for saying so and that I loved him. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry and this feeling of my job is done was over whelming.
But I also felt an immense amount of relief and pride in myself to the degree that I have never had before. Having an adult child who is happy and successful in what ever they choose to do is by far the greatest acheivement of my life. When a child is successful you kinda are too. I believe there comes a time when everyone is accountable to themselves for their choices, there is just so long you can blame your parents for your fuck ups and unhappiness. BUT if you see your kids using the tools that you taught them and succeeding then you kinda feel that your life has been pretty damn good. :) He said I love you too and hung up and ever since then he has truely been a man on his own and we are proud of him.
A quick note here. Our adopted son was not raised by us but has come to us often to discuss challanges in his life. We have treated him as we have treated our natural born sons and the result has been the same for him. See Buttercup blog. :) I think it is never to late to do, and teach the right thing. Ive seen it in our adopted son and in clients. I beleive that people truley can change and want to do so for the better. When shown how, success,and happiness occurs. The point is never stop trying as a parent to do the right thing.
We still are working with one more son but things look real good where he is concerned, even though, in all honesty, he has been (and I say this optimistically) the most "verbal" of the three. I love adolescence. It is truley wonderful to watch them grow into adults. It is great knowing that my husband and I have sent such great men out into the world. Oh I know some people dont agree with us in our perspective of our sons but here is what I have to say to that. I love everyone in my life for there perfect imperfections, including myself. Why dont you?
"No one knows his true charecter until he has run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan and raised and adolescent." -Marcelene Cox
