Wednesday, May 25, 2011

By request: Award winning essay- The preservation of the Martyr in Me: Moshing

          My first exposure to the mosh pit was when my eldest son was nineteen. He and some friends were telling his father and I about going to a Static X show at the House of Blues in Orlando. I happened to also like Static X and asked him to get his dad and me tickets. His friends then asked, with big grins on their faces, if Joe, my husband, and I would be going into the Mosh Pit. I replied, "God no!" They asked, "Why not?" and I proceeded to share with them all my child development knowledge and insight into why Mosh Pits were harmful. Well needless to say, I was schooled. After my son and their friends spent the next three hours in a heated intellectual discussion of the pro's and con's of a Mosh Pit I decided to do some research on the subject. My conclusion was, Mosh Pits, when practiced in a structured environment are actually beneficial and serve a purpose.
          One of the most obvious arguments for Moshing is dancing. Moshing is actually another form of Slam Dancing. Slam Dancing was another form of a perceived aggressive form of dancing that started in the 1980's. Slam Dancing began with the Punk Rock generation then progressed into another form of dancing called Pogo-ing. Where as slam dancers banged into each other on the dance floor while standing in one place, Pogo dancers jumped up and down on the dance floor all over the place. Mosher's do a bit of both. Another form of Moshing includes something called, Windmilling; where a person will spin his arms around wildly while sometimes adding spin kicks. Windmilling is not usually allowed in most pits because it does injure other Mosher's.
          Each generation has expressed itself through one form of dance or another. Each and every generation also has its own form of rebellious dance form. From the Charleston, to the Twist, to the Watusi. Even the Waltz, which now is considered the most civilized form of dance, was in its time considered rebellious. Before the Walt people never danced so closely together. Dancing continues to be not only a creative and physical outlet for the youth of every generation, but a customary form of rebellion.
          Which leads me to the next argument for Moshing, physical contact. I have been in child development working with all ages of youth, from infants up to early adults, for over twenty years. One thing that has always fascinated me was the ritual of physical contact between young males and females. Youth, of all ages, are not really encouraged to touch each other nicely. Adults, for whatever reasons, mostly perceive hand holding, hugging, and especially kissing, as precursors to sex.; even though children have no concept of what sex really is until around age nine. Children are left getting positive physical affection mostly at home. If a child comes from a dysfunctional home where there is no physical affection, or worse, only physical abuse, then the child could actually crave human contact. Many kids from the ages of three and up hit, push, shove and kick each other almost out of affection. Adults then step in and teach them how to appropriately touch others and use their words instead of their hands. How can this approach to appropriate touching be used when open shows of affection are not role modeled with tolerance? We are raising generations of physically frustrated and confused adolescent's.
          In a Mosh pit adolescent's are allowed to not only touch each other but to do it in a form that releases the stresses of their lives. There is evidence that suggests that when a person gets impact to the joints and stress to the muscles that the happy hormones in the body are released. This leaves Mosher's feeling calm, sedated and satisfied. The same feelings that come from receiving appropriate physical contact. Does this mean that everyone who participates in a Mosh Pit has a penchant for violence and/or aggression? I think it is more likely that the youth of today have found a safe, creative outlet for their rebellious phase, and an acceptable phenomenon for the form of physical contact that they have been taught is more socially acceptable then public shows of affection. If we do not approve of this form of bonding then perhaps it is time to encourage positive forms of human contact without guilt and shame attached to them.
          The bridge in pyschosocial,a song written by Slipknot reads,"And the rain will kill us all, If we throw ourselves against the wall, But no one else can see, The preservation of the martyr in me." The wall could symbolize the wall we all hit when we have no place else to go. Or it could be the wall that takes place during a Mosh Pit. The Mosh Pit wall is a line of people who set themselves up in a circle and then throw someone back into the pit or pick up someone up who has fallen. It symbolizes how our youth band together in surprising ways to help each other when we least expect it. It is another way to say, "get back in there and try again douche" or "dude, I got your back."  The chorus from Psychosocial also screams of how our youth perceives their adult role models as hypocrites and the walking dead.
           In a Mosh the adolescents of today have found another outlet. An outlet for their anger towards society and the adult role models in their lives. It is completely age appropriate for youth to find outlets that are completely out of the norm of society. In todays world where kids have to pay extra to participate in music and art programs; where they are told what to believe instead of given the tools to make their own choices and when they are faced with violence, not only on television, but in their homes and neighborhoods; why does the concept of a Mosh Pit come as such a surprise to people? My son's friends, some of whom come from less then satisfactory home environments, came straight out and said, "Which would you rather have me doing, participating in a Mosh Pit or fighting and possibly killing someone out on the street?" Quite a thought. Presented with that question I relented and decided that a Mosh Pit was definitely the lesser of the evils. Of course we would love to see all the young people we know, and care for, feeling happy, being successful and using, what society perceives as, acceptable behavior; but I believe that most people know what is right and wrong and want to find the best possible solutions for the challenges in their lives. For some the Mosh Pit is the place.
          All this led me to ask my son why he wanted to go to a Mosh Pit? I did not think he came from a family that would make him feel so angry inside that he needed to dance around in a Mosh Pit banging wildly into strangers. He, and his friends then explained this to me. They perceived the world as a angry, hypocritical place; full of role models who say one thing but do another. The Mosh Pit is the definition of hypocrisy. I was genuinely surprised at the profound thinking associated with this statement coming from people so young. All these young adults are going to school for psychology, teaching, anthropology, social work and other people related fields. I, for one, am pleased with the idea that they will be the ones caring for me and the world I live in, in my old age.
          I do not advocate the Mosh Pit for everyone, my youngest son has no interest in participating in one, his rebellions lie in other areas. I do believe that, as the role models for our youth, before we judge something, it is important that we learn as much about it as we can before we pass judgment and tell them it is wrong. There are a good many young people out there that know exactly what they are doing and want to be acknowledged for it. The final words in Pychosocial are, "The limits of the dead, the limits of the dead." I do not want to be one of the dead that puts down limits. I want to be one of the living role models that learn by listening, are tolerant, ask questions, and value experience.
         My husband and I did go to that concert. My husband even joined in on the wall of the Mosh Pit and helped many young people back on their feet. That night we earned the respect of my son and his friends because we did not pass judgment on their choices. We stayed open minded and adventured out to a new experience. They asked how we liked it, my husband said he enjoyed the wall, but because of his age, wouldn't be making a habit of it. I said that Moshing was not for me, I don't inflict pain if I can help it. The looks on their faces were thoughtful. The experience, as a whole, ended up being one that I will always remember. Mosh Pits do serve a purpose, no one was hurt; anyone participating in hurtful behavior was ejected from the pit by security. Every single person leaving the House of Blues that night was smiling, calm and respectful. The purpose of the Mosh Pit was served.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You can speak.

       
"The word is not just a sound or a written symbol.  The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.  You can speak."
The Four Agreements- by Don Miguel Ruiz

         Have you ever met one of those people who is motivated by anger?  There seems to be alot of them out there these days.  They are in the grocery stores, specifically Walmart's, yelling at their kids or some poor unsuspecting peon who is just doing their job.   They are on the roads, screaming at you for taking to long to turn into a parking space that has a person pulling out of it or honking like a mad person when you are driving the speed limit.  They are at school complaining about teachers, school work, and not getting enough financial aid to pay their bills or buy gorcery's.  (I thought financial aid was suppose to pay for education?) They are yelling at you for getting their order wrong or not refilling their prescription.  When asked why they are expending so much negative emotionI these people state out loud, and with an entitled attitude, that anger "works for them."  I'm going to debate that.  :P It may work for them but it doesn't work for everyone around them.
          Anger is defined as a feeling of displeasure and billergerance aroused by a wrong, it is also grief, or trouble.    Grief is mental suffereing afflicted over pain or loss; and trouble is to disturb the mental calm of, to worry, to feel distress, to agitate or to be agitated.   Does this mean that person's choosing to communicate in, or with, anger are choosing to use a behavior that is not only distructive to themselves, but to many around them?   Why do people choose this route?  If given a choice I'de personally choose peace any day.  Life is so much happier when peace is involved.  
          Don't get me wrong, I think anger has its place.  It is completely appropriate to feel and express anger when a wrong has been done.  I don't even think the wrong need be done to you in order to feel anger.  How many people feel anger when we hear about hate crimes?  Or a person using faith to further their own personal agenda?   My husband has played a game with me for years.  He will search cable to find news on a hate crime just to watch me storm.  I realize the hypocrisy of this.  I am feeding the emotion of hate and anger by having the same emotions.  But it does bring up feelings of anger in me when I feel injustices towards an individuals rights.  And hate crimes are HUGE injustices to some ones rights.  We have the right to express ourselves at the top of our lungs how much we dislike, or hate a person's culture, religion, education, beliefs etc. We also have the right to turn our back on what somebody is saying and walk away with out fear of having our skull bashed in when our back is turned.   NOBODY has the right to hurt someone or take a life for any reason.  America is about free speech, NOT free suffereing.
          America is all about dreams.  Those dreams were written down into words for everyone to read. Visualize if everyone made a conscious effort to speak with authenticity, and respect to everyone.   In the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz he talks about four basic "agreements" that we make with ourselves in order, to basically, live peacefully with each other.  The first one is,"be impeccable with your word."  Wow.  I gave this some thought.  The obvious deffinition is be polite, and respectful, never cause harm to another by gossiping.   Then there is honesty and truthfullness, which I covered in another blog.  But the deeper meaning is to use language in a way that you can feel good about yourself everyday.  That is true freedom of speech.  To have complete confidence in what you speak, and what you hear to the point that none of it will cause harm.  Is it possible for someone who chooses to communicate from a place of constant anger to use words impeccably?  If they can what is their motivation for doing so?  Again we are back to the deffinition of anger and trouble.
          It is a challange to face all that we do in a single day and not feel a single negative emotion.  Everyone is faced with anger and hate, no one is subject to more or less; and no one has the right to judge if their anger is greater then someone elses.  Feelings are one of the true things in life that we can call our own and no one can take from us.  What is different, from person to person, is how we choose to deal with those feelings.  Hate is an easy emotion.  It is so much easier to pass judgement, gossip, feel anger, pessimism and disappoinment then to forgive, understand, praise and be optimisitc.  The high road takes work and alot of thinking, and thinking can be exhausting.
          Think about all this a step farther into the future.  What about children?  Freedom of choice does not apply to children, who are subject to the feelings, thoughts and choices of the adult role models around them.  They do not have a choice in the anger they are forced to endure and more importantly learn.  To the angry role models in childrens lives I have a scarey thought for you.  They grow up you know.
          At some point in everyones lives a choice has to be made.  Perhaps at one time anger was appropriate.  Perhaps it was a defense mechanism, or a survival technique.  Perhaps it was the outcome of unresolved grief.  What ever the reason for the anger at some time it has to stop.  Someone once told me that unresolved anger leads to depression which leads to anxiety.   There are an awful lot of people out there on anti depresants and anxiety meds.   Doesn't anyone know how to cope anymore?
          One of the best ways to cope is to use your voice and let your word be spoken.  The best way to do that is impeccably.  With honesty, and respect.  Not for the other person, although it does help, but for youself.   I remember teaching a young father, who had just been released from jail, how to communicate better.  He had gone to jail for a physical altercation where he had hurt someone.  He tried to convince me that words would not have made a difference.  At the time he had a two year old son, he had not been in his sons life for a year because he was in jail.  I asked him if words could give him that year back would they make a difference.  I also asked him what he wanted his son to learn, because his son was watching him.   The father made a choice.  He learned that he could use words very effectively.  After practicing he related how he had difused many altercations at work, between friends, out on the streets, and in his own home.   He gained a sense of pride and respect for himself.  This one simple thing improved this young mans life.  He got a job, went back to school, improved his relationships and became the dad that he wanted his son to be proud of.
          Here's the pith of the matter. Words, what we say and how we use them.  Anger does not work.  I advocate feeling angry, but expressing it in a healthy manner appropriatly.   More importantly in moderation.   I personally do not listen to someone who is yelling, screaming, or spitting in my face while they are trying to tell me what they need.  I also don't listen to someone who complains all the time, and who thinks the world is out to get them.  Choose not to be a victim.  Be proactive, be optimistic, use your word impeccably, be polite, use your good listening skills, and put a smile on your face.  Then you can speak.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Little Rant Over Something Big

          Did the public school system stop teaching certain subjects or are people just not paying attention?   It never ceases to amaze me how much people choose not to know.  They are things that I have, to my embarrassment, taken for granted.   Like who is Edger Allen Poe?   The history of the Kennedy's?  How some of our most definable historical scientific inventions started in science FICTION novels.   Who is Big Brother? These were things that I learned in high school!!! 
          I was not a great student.  I was not even a good student in high school. (Im sure my high school friends could back me up on this one.)  So given that I know more then some people that are in my classes and I was a poor student I need to ask.  WHAT the HELL???
          There are growing concerns, voiced by some, that the government is purposely cutting back on our educational system in order to control society.  History does provide us with plenty of examples regarding cultures being controlled through a lack of education.  Meh...I don't know about that.  This is America, we have the freedom to choose and speak up about our education.  So why, WHY is this happening?
          Time for us to find our voice again!  Time for everyone to speak up when they think they are not recieving the education they deserve.   MORE importantly!  Time for everyone to read again for gosh sakes.  Remember that place called a library?  It is full of books of all kind.  Go to it!  Check out a book and build some brain cells!!!  So when you choose to speak up you actually know what the heck you are speaking about!!
...who is Edger Allen Poe?   geesh

Im done...thank you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Daughter

          I am a mom.  A mom of two sons, well three, two natural, one adopted.  Then there are the wide circle of my sons friends who call me mom.  It is a compliment.   I have been a mom for 25 years, and it is far and away the most rewarding job I have ever had the pleasure to have.   While I have loved this job I have a secret.   I have harbored secret jealousy's over friends with daughters.  Well mabey this is not such a secret.   Until recently I have been the only female in my immeidate family.  About a year ago my eldest found the one and I got a daughter.   For years I have fantasized about having one, but no one could ever have explained adequately that having a daughter would be such a joy!
          My life for the most part has been filled with little boy, and then "guy" things.   For awhile there I knew every make of every car on the road thanks to Matchbox and Hotwheels.   I knew where the car isles in every Toys-R-Us in almost every city of every state were.   Some times, just for fun, I would make my guys walk down the Barbie Isle with me.  No one could leave until I had closely scrutinized every designer Barbie.  I still feel a loss for not purchasing the Scarlet O'Hara Barbie.  But where would it fit into all the guy stuff in my home?  At some point she would have ended up being the giant southern bell beast smashing cars through a block city modeled after New York City and the Empire State Building.
          The walls in my house have always been dripping with testosterone.   Until the last five years the house was never clean.   There were always shoes every where any and a line of dirty foot prints leading up to where the shoes should not have been.   T-shirts hastily removed and thrown onto any surface large enough to hold them.  First there were small cars littering the floors; then there were large cars littereing the driveway.  Pop bottles empty, or half drank, empty bags or half eaten bags of whatever, glasses, plates, bowls, napkins, socks, DVD's, CD's, computers, and computer parts, are all part of a short list of things that I picked up on almost a daily basis.  Chairs moved to a better postion in the front room in order to play the newest racing game, or shooting game.  Friends coming in and out, spending the night, and always eating.  Boys appitites are much bigger then girls; there never seemed to be enough food.
          Radio Shack use to be a favorite family outing.  We saw every car show that came into town, and every action movie.  (I still silent thank yous for them never being remotely interested in WWF.) If we did something cultural, like going to a museum, I had to make sure that there were exhibits of guns, cars, dinosaurs, bugs, rocks, electronics and all things testosterone.  Of course I would stealth in paintings, historical clothing, toys, (specifically dolls) and other forms of art that the males would not be apt to go see with out me, but in order to keep their attention I had to be prepared to creatively share information about anything "female" in a way that my males would respect.  I was always pleasenlty surprised to find that they would stop, look and listen intently to what the little plaque had to say about these "girly" things.  They would even ask questions!
          They played soccer, wrestled,  did gymnastics, Boyscouts (for nine years), hiked, camped, road bikes, sledded down mountain sides (I stayed home and manned the hot chocolat for that one) went to parks and climbed the tallest playground structure they could find (stayed home for that too).   They had home made swords and shields, big dogs to attack, then knock them down and slobber happily all over their faces.   During monsoon rains I dressed them up in rain ponchos and boots and sent them off with buckets, shovels, and little plastic boats to play happily in the rain and mud.  They dug rivers and lakes, jumped into puddles and then couldn't come back into the house until the mud was washed off of them.  Despite my efforts the bath tub always needed a cleaning afterwards anyways.
          Then they started growing up.   They learned to drive and started spending more time away from home.   Always making sure to bring friends home for us to meet to ease their mommy's worries of who were they with and what were they doing.   They grudgingly followed the who, what, where and when, of going out, staying out late and using our cars. They moved out then home again.  They went off to college, got jobs and met girls.  The home became cleaner and neater; there was less to do for others and more time to do for myself.  My husband and I have dates nights again and we no lonager have to budget for a babysitter. Sometimes I find myself, out of habit and nostalgia, stearing muy car into the parking lot of a Radio Shack.  I go in and just stand in the middle of the store, with a single tear hovering precariously, ready at any minute to dribble down my cheek, while some where off in the distance a sales man repeats,"Maam can I help you?  Maam can I help you?..."
          Then, one day, they meet the girl that they want to spend the rest of their lives with; and I get that daughter Ive always dreamed of.  :)  All understanding for the experiences we have in life always come after the fact.   We never really understand why we travel the path we are on.  We just walk it as steadily as possible, throwing the rocks and branches out of the way as we go.   It is the journey not the destination; do your best while on that path and you will get to where you are suppose to be going.  After the journey of raising my sons I understand that no only do you have to experience the transitions of your children growing up to prepare you for their moving out, but the transition that comes afterwards is to prepare you for a daughter.
          It is hard to share the joys of a daughter, when you have never had one, with out sounding all silly about it.   Mother's with daughters look at you with that look that says,"you poor dear you just don't have a clue do you?"  When my son first brought the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with home, I am not shy to say, that after they left both my husband and I knew that she was family.   The joy I felt, and still feel, is not just the relief of knowing that someone has finally taken him off our hands.  :P  It comes from seeing that all those years of giving up a portion of my femaleness was not for nothing.  
          I have admittedly felt awkward around another female in my male dominated home.   Haveing another female here on a regular basis for holidays, special events, and family dinners was, at first, not only different for me, but interesting.  I found myself observeing her closely, not to see if she was right for my son, but because she was something new for me.   I had forgotten what having another female in the home was like, even though I grew up with two sisters.   Her perspective, her warmth, her smile, her laugh, her love, her voice and her sheer presence has brought a warmth to my home that I didn't realize was missing.  Is this what having a daughter is like?  My home was never lacking for love, even during the really tough times.   What a joy to have another famale around who understands what being female is!   Then it happened, and quite with out warning; it genuinly through me for a loop.
         This year for my birthday, I recieved the first handmade gift in years, since my sons were little and still in elementary school.   My future daughter in law used a cigar box and decorated it inside and out.  It has my favorite colors in it, it is lined and it reflects me.  I never knew that in, what I considered to be such a short amount of time, that she had payed attention to who I was as a person, and not just a mom.  This is what having a daughter is about.   While I have loved my sons dearly, and still continue to, girls are different from boys.  My sons have given me many wonderful gifts.  My youngest is very adept at choosing well thought out gifts.  But for some reason recieving this beautifully decorated box from my sons girlfriend was different.  I didn't know that, really, until my son brought this wonderful girl home.  
          There is a quiet natural understanding between females.  Our men do or say things and we will look at each other quietly with looks that say,"sigh...I know honey, just take a deep breath."  Having a daughter in law has made me remember evenings alone with my sisters while we giggled and talked until my parents told us to go to bed.   I have heard other women complain about their daughters in law.  They don't like anything about them, they don't like the way they take care of their sons, keep house, cook, etc. etc.   This is what I have to say about that;  no one takes care of my sons but my sons, and the relationships that they choose reflect that.   The women in their lives are smart, independant, outspoken, self confident and beautiful individuals.  
          Some times, in the past, like all females, I have had dark days.  Days where I have pondered why am I doing all of this?  When Ive had to pick up one too many socks, when Ive had to load the dishwasher with dishes that are piled on the same counter as the dishwasher, when I want to go see the latest "chick flick" with my family and they all rebel.   It all comes full circle eventually.  What I put on hold to move my sons forward has now come back to me tenfold.  The best gift I have ever recieved from my sons is their success in life and relationships.  The little handmade box is a reflection of that, that I will treasure forever.   Having a daughter is a gift from my son that I will always cherish, nothing will ever come close to it, well except mabey grandchildren one day. :P  It is not just that she is a daughter to me; she is a wonderful human being that has choosen to accept my son, and his family into her life unconditionally.  She is family adn I finally have the daughter that I have always dreamed of.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Thanks for Nothing!

There is nothing like a great instumental peace (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose) of music.
There is nothing like a great peace of written work. (did it there to :P)
There is nothing like a great conversation.
There is nothing like a great mind.
There is nothing like a good ear.
There is nothing like a good cry.
There is nothing like a free flowing pen.
There is nothing like a perfectly positioned chair.
There is nothing like a deep cleansing breath.
There is nothing like a perfect warm sunny day.
There is nothing like birds singing happily.
There is nothing like love in the eyes you are looking into.
There is nothing like a smile.
There is nothing like a hug.
There is nothing like a warm hand.
There is nothing like the smell of sandlewood.
There is nothing like a prayer on the wind.
There is nothing...
Else

Bitch

          I know this woman in school who is fierce, in the best possible sense of the word.  :)   She is out spoken, intellegent,self-confident and beautiful.   I admire her.  This wonderful human being sent me a great text once which got me to thinking.  I will share.
If I have curves, Im fat.
If I wear makeup, Im fake.
If I like to get dressed up, Im a hoochie.
If I say what I think, Im a bitch.
If I cry sometimes, Im a drama queen.
If I have guy friends, Im a slut.
If I stand up for myself, Im mouthy.
Seems like you can't do anything these days without being labeled.
          There was a little more, but you get the idea.
          Label's have always interested me.   For some reason society needs to have them to function.   It took me awhile to figure out why, but I think I understand now.
          Labels are used to define a specific group or class.  They catagorize people, and things.   For instance designer labels on clothes.  Anyone who wears them is put into a group.  The implication of this group is, because we can afford the label we must have money, and having money makes us more secure; security makes us more confident.  Of course most of us know this isn't true.   People who have money usually have a tendancy to not purchase labels, but quality, there is a difference.   More often then not it is the people with out money purchasing the labels.  This label is giving a false sense of confidence; the security it fleeting.
          Then their are the labels that we put on others, and ourselves.   Like the text.   These most certainly put us into groups.  Not always such a bad thing.  Don't we usually find ourselves associateing with the people we are suppose to?   Most of my girl friends are full figured women, independant, intellegent, confident and beautiful.  I think the common ground is not that we are curvy (fat), or outspoken (bitches) although it all certainly does help.  I think the common ground is that we are all happy.   The curves, intellegence, outspoken behavior comes from being comforatbale with who we are.  
           The pith of the matter is that labels hurt.   Compliments do not.   You can tell someone how beautiful you think they are and it doesn't insult or hurt them.  If you tell them they are fat, it becomes a label and it hurts.   What people don't truly understand about labels is that they can be changed.  You can rip a label off a jacket and it becomes just a jacket.  A knock off designer purse can change perseptions.   People can do the same thing.   I know people who sport tattos, piercings, goth attire, and live the biker culture.  Many will avoid these people because they have the labels of being feared, violent, anti-social, and lazy.   Most of those who I know are the opposite of those labels.   They subscribe to their culture to change perceptions.  They are highly intellegent, hard working, empathetic individuals.   The beach crowd, or the skaters, the club crowd, gamers, rockers, and nerds; to name just a few.   (Im sure some of these deffinitions are a little out dated, but from generation to generation while the name may change, the story stays the same.)   All these groups have one thing in common.  They have all been labeled, and probably by each other.
          We are all guilty of it arn't we?  If we critisize the people labeling we are guilty of the same.  Labeling is part of self preservation.  It is far easier to put a label on someone then to try and understand them.  Understanding takes time and energy, and in this day and age who really has time for that?  So we label, then hang out with people who are more like the labels we have.  Safety in numbers. 
          Labels do help professionals diagnose.  Teachers use them to teach, doctors use them to help them make people well, pychologists use them to help cure the mind and social workers use them to make the world more social.   It by far not a perfect science, but labels usually deal with people, and people are not a perfect science.  (Thank goodness.)  So the idea of labels is highly flawed.
          The problem with labels is that we give them too much power and use them incorrectly.  I guarentee that someone, some where, misused, mis diagnosed, and/or abused a label to further their needs.  Its been down hill ever since.  (Kinda like the atom bomb idea...)  Labels are people driven and inspired.  Put into the hands of someone who doesn't understand how to use them they can be dangerous.  So here's what you do.  The next time someone calls you fat, stupid, big mouthed, ridiculous, a drama queen (or king), over snesitive, paranoid, and most importantly a bitch (or bastard) I suggest saying thank you.   Give them a hug and say have a nice day!   Better they try to hurt me with a label that I choose to give no power to then someone else who could be hurt by it.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

They Grow Up You Know

Happy Mothers day to all my girl friends who have given so much of their time and energy to others, namely your children.   A story to share with you on your special day!

          I  think back to when I first found out I was pregnant with my first born.   I always recall what my father said,"They grow up you know..."   I always wondered what he meant by that, now I know.  Over the years this statement has held many different meaning for me during the different phases of my sons lives.
          When they were little it made me stronger.  When they were going through a particularly tough phase of development and I was absolutely sure that both of us would never make it I kept on telling myself, "They grow up you know."   Then there were the tender moments.   Their first steps and their first words.  Going off to preschool. I found myself using the phrase while watching them venture forth with a smile on their face, courageously running and hopping, never looking back.  I always used it when they were sick, or hurt and some how looked younger and more vulnerable.
          During their adolescence I struggled in silence, and cried alone for them when they had the normal challanges with friends, girlfriends, grades, driving, etc.etc.   All the time doing my best to be supportive.  Giving them the words, the boundaries, and love; while letting them have freedom.   I kept on telling myself during their ups and downs,"They grow up you know."   When both of them looked me straight in the eyes and said, "FUCK you!" or "I hate you your such a bitch" or my personal favoirte, "I hate living here!"  I took a VERY deep breath and told myself, "They grow up you know."
          In their blossoming adulthood (which one is still going through) I watched ( and still observe) while choices were made.  Some of them good some of them not.   When they have had their heart broken, "They grown up you know."  When they get their first big ticket.  When they make life choices that make you silently say to yourself, " WTF! Did he not learn anything I taught him?  What was all my hard work for?"  When they still won't clean their rooms, pick up after themselves and the saying, "Eating me out of house and home." has taken on a whole new meaning.   "They gorw up you know."   Then the realization, accompanied with mixed feelings, that they would eventually meet the girl of their dreams and build their own happiness.  They actually move out, again, and don't come back.  The mistakes they make are completely their own, and they, for the most part, don't need you anymore.  Always I keep on telling myself, they have to grow up you know.
          Here's the pith of the matter.   When we make a choice to become a mother we are never completely prepared for the the enormity of that choice.   No one can ever tell you, although some will try, about all of the joys, sorrows, smiles, laughter, crying, anger, fear, uncertainty and day in, day out hard work you will share with them.   My sons (including one of my eldest sons friends, who we have been blessed to now include in the title of son) have turned out pretty damn good.  Who would've thought it?  Certainly not me when I was a young mother of 24, barely out of adolescence myself.   I look back on all of the hardships we have shared as a family and now realize that I wouldn't change a thing.   I did everything to the best of my ability.  I protected them when I should have, I taught them what I knew.  I set boundaries that they could still learn safely in.  I let them make mistakes, while making plenty myself.  Most importantly I have never stopped loving them.  I am proud everyday to be their mom.  :)   When I leave this world I know that I have made a difference because of the men my sons have become.   I can't, and won't, take all the credit, my husband, extended family and even friends helped.  Mostly the credit lies with my sons.  
          So with a sense of nostalgia, feelings of pride, love and joy, and I small tear in my eye I shout!
                                 THEY HAVE GROWN UP YOU KNOW!!!
                         Happy Mothers Day my sons!  I am happy to know you!

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Inner Circle

          I am on this honesty kick lately.   Been asking for people's opinions on what they feel is their deffinition of honesty.   Recieved a couple of interesting reply's as of late.  One was that it was based on gathering facts, like science.  The other was based on who is being honest with you.  I've given some thought to both these answer's.   I agree with honesty being based on fact, but i think honesty is not the same thing as trust, although they seem to go hand in hand.   I also think we all need to be careful about what kind of people we allow into our lives.
          First of all being honest is the ability to be fair, upright, sincere, frank and truthfull.   It is the art of being free from, and of, deciet or fraud.  So when someone says they will always be honest with you the next step is to evaluate if they have, or are capable of having, these traits.  Honesty is different from the truth.  Truth is based on fact; and fact is a truth known by actual experience and/or observation.  So while it can be scientific in nature it is actually the process of collecting facts.   The collecting of facts can be applied to all areas of life and actually is pretty handy when trying to make a decision that has emotions attached to it.  (like a divorce for instance)
          Here's the pith of the matter...I think it is human nature to struggle with, on an almost daily basis, truth and honesty.   Everyday we are faced with choices, hurt someone, or don't hurt someone.   Faced with the don't hurt someone we will lie to save a loved one from being hurt.   That is the truth, it is sincere, based on fact and to the point.   Honesty however, is the ability to tell the truth when faced with that senario.   Honesty is an unselfish act.  It deletes fraud and deciet.  How many times do we choose not to be honest to save our own feelings?  We don't want someone upset with us so we distort the truth.   Perhaps we are one of those people who always need to have everyone happy and getting along, so we distort the truth.   This is not honest behavior.  This behavior ultimately only benefits us in the end because we have set up unrealistic expectations of the people, and life in general, around us.
          Fraudulent behavior is used by someone who uses honesty to some unfair or dishonest disadvantage.   We usually assume that this apply's to the obvious examples of abuse and neglect.   I think the real abuse and neglect comes from the day to day small lies we tell.   If these are done daily, with out notice or consequece, then they continue; growing until the pattern of behavior is a large scale abuse.  People participateing in this behavior usually feel pretty good about themselves becasue they, more often then not, break down others self confidence.   If you are in control of a situation by controlling others let me give you a hint here...its wrong (she whispers.) 
          Decietful behavior is the purposeful concealment, or distortion, of the truth for the purpose of misleading.  Misleading to what?  Ahaaaa    Leading into your way of thinking even though the other person disagree's with you.  This does not apply to religion, politcs, and personal morals/values.  Although Im sure many republicans out there would disagree. (hahaha)   This apply's to choosing people for your inner circle of friends.  If you have to protray yourself as something, or somebody, you are not then you are being decietful and the person you are being decietful with will not have a true picture of who you are.   The freindship is false, based on dishonesty.
          The circle of friends.  Inner, outer and some where in the middle.  Inner circle holds those who you trust to be honest, most of the time.   They love you even with out your make up and bra, and don't care about the couple of pounds you put on.   You can say anything to each other with out fear. They support and share your accomplishments.  They encourage changes and are willing to grow with you.  This deffinition usually apply's to our significant others, but you will find that you will have one or two other people in that circle with you.  We argue with these people, cry, laugh and call on them in times of need.   If you have to stop and ask yourself, before you reach out to them, what will this person think, and those thoughts are accompanied by anxiety, then they are not inner circle material.
           Middle circle- these are firends who you love to hang out with but will only be there sometimes.  They share the joys, but don't call them when things are hard.   They say they are understanding, but their listening skills kinda suck, and they mostly say the wrong thing.   You love going to the bar or shopping with them, mabey a lunch every once in awhile.  Theyre great friends in a large social situation, get em alone where they are faced with the reality of you and it feels uncomfortable.   This circle will usaully be your biggest.
          Outter circle-You know those people you run into at the grocery store, or restraurant.   Never to be trusted with personal information because they will run back and share it with others so fast it will make your head spin.   You don't dislike them, you just don't trust them.   You would never be alone with these people.
        The circle will change through out your life, so don't be afraid.   As we change and grow so does our circle.   When your trust level is high, we are more capable of handling difficulty.   The more trust we have in people, places and things the less stress we feel.   It is in our control to surround ourselves with trust in order to be a more productive, healthy, successful person.   So nuture that inner circle and choose wisly, it is one of the secrets to a good self-confidence and success.  :)

The village

          When did we start becoming a culture of me first?   There is so much information out there these days on the state of the Union;  the economy, the public school system, the fall of the family unit, crime, etc. etc.   All of these are bits and pieces of the bigger picture.
           I think the real problem is stemming from our inability to help each other.   Mass media has not only opened up oportunity's for greater communication but has also bread a whole generation who is afraid to speak.  Speak up for themselves, speak up for others, and just speak their mind in general.  
          Historically, when there is a need to take control of a culture, education is the first thing that is taken away from the people.  Thank fully in America there are laws that prohibit that, but they can control the education you choose to recieve.   It is easy to sit back and complain about the educational system (at any level).  But how many of us actually go to the source of the problem and express our opinions?  Freedom of speech does not mean complaining to those who have no power over a situation, it means being able to express your opinion to those who do with out fear.
          There is a saying,"It is not what you say but how you say it."  Bernie mac also said it.  Say what you think and feel with humor, a smile, politeness, respect, and most importanty with confidence and peace and there is almost nothing that you can not say.   Start by listening to everyone.    
          Todays challange.  Go out there and talk to everyone you meet.  Smile at everyone.   Speak with respect when faced with a wrong.  Speak with respect and dignity in every situation.   Help a stranger.   Work from a place of love and compassion,
          It takes a village, be part of it and encourage others around you to do the same!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Mendacity

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you...” from the Dhammapada.

“Will you walk into my parlor?” said the Spider to the Fly, 'Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you did spy; the way into my parlor is up a winding stair, and I've many curious things to show when you are there.” “Oh no, no,” said the little Fly,”to ask me is in vain, for who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again.” -Mary Howitt
A spider spins its web in hopes of capturing prey to devour. This simple, yet necessary act of nature is perceived by many as one of the most terrifying ways to die. The spiders victim is first bitten, poisoned and rendered helpless. The victim is then wrapped tight in spider silk until such time when the spider can suck its victim dry of its life force. All the while the victim is supposedly aware of what is being done to it. We all know how a spider kills its prey because many have watched, unable to look away, yet choosing to do nothing. We tell ourselves that it is the natural order of things. Many are so appalled by this whole act because, if we give the spiders survival techniques too much thought, we allow it to bring up uncomfortable feelings in ourselves. Feelings of helplessness, fear and anger. We convince ourselves that there is nothing to be done, the circumstances are beyond our control, and then leave the spider alone. Poisonous feelings are illusions, however, hatched by our own lack of self confidence and fear of the unknown.
Fear and worry are two different emotions, but often confused as one and the same. Worry occurs when we over think a problem that we feel ill equipped to handle. Instead of choosing to be proactive, find a solution and be satisfied, we second guess our solutions, or worse, will not even try to seek one. We become paralyzed by worry. Worry is the bait, and more often than not, we are content to live in this web of deceit feeding off the worry. It is an meal easily served but hard to digest in the end.
Fear is our body's natural response to danger. Many times our eyes will register danger before our mind does, or vice versa. A spider waits patiently on its web for the tiniest vibrations to alert her to danger ,or dinner. It knows when to turn and run because danger was mistaken for dinner, it trusts its instincts and doesn’t second guess itself. Many people do not know how to discern the difference between worry and fear. So front doors get locked all the time. People choose not to talk to strangers or lend a helping hand to people they don't know. All this is done while in the web of their own making, but the inability to distinguish between fear and worry have made their web weak and over sensitive. Their web can be easily broken. People convince themselves that locking a door, or becoming a recluse, will protect them. It is an illusion however, a lack of confidence in themselves. They have become an easy mark to bigger predators, stuck in the snare of their own webbing.
Anger is the emotion that is produced through unresolved wrongs. The wrong does not have to be done to us personally. The prejudices could be what an individual perceives happening around them on a daily basis in their homes, neighborhoods, work place, school, on TV., etc. Anger, however, is another poorly constructed web. People don't understand that they can escape the web of anger by simply speaking up for themselves. The web that is the strongest is the one built from experience, self confidence, and truth.
Both anger and fear are bred out of ignorance, and a lack of self confidence. Negative emotions always arise when we are bewildered over someone or something around us. They also occur when we feel defenseless, a victim in a web of mendacity. Every human has the power to control their own consciousness. Our awareness is the one true aspect of our lives that are totally and completely ours. Fear and anger cannot be blamed on anyone else because they are part of our consciousness. The web of helplessness, of emotional addiction, of dishonesty can be broken. Wake every morning with a smile, dictate how you will feel about the day you are about to live. Be involved, ask questions, speak up for injustices, stand for the helpless. Perform daily random acts of kindness, smile at everyone you meet, tell the people you love, that you love them, daily. Reverse the feeling of fear and anger, choose not to be paralyzed by the poison of weak emotions. When we are conscious of what we choose to face each day, because we understand that the webs we weave are the webs of our own making, then we can make the choice to give birth to pleasure, not poison.
“And now dear little children, who may this story read, to idle, silly flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed: Unto an evil counselor, close heart and ear and eye, and take a lesson from this tale, of the spider and the fly.” Mary Howitt

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A friendly Change

Saw this post on yahoo today about what is the real worth of you. I went and checked it out thinking, foolishly, that it would discuss what is the true meaning of success. What it did talk about was what is your future net worth? Like what do you anticipate making in the future? Blah...I understand we are in bad economic straights as a society these days but I still always wonder, when faced with information like this, why a persons success in America is determined by their pay check, cars and houses. Are your kids going to school? Are you still in your first marriage, what kind of car do you drive? How many TV’s and computer's do you own?...blah blah blah. I think being able to get the great job, pay check, family, cars, houses etc. first starts with learning who we are first. There's a line from Bill Gate's rules for success,”The world wont care about your self esteem they will expect you to accomplish something first.” So true. We are the only ones who care about our own self esteem, it is not dependent upon others. And we gain self esteem through achievements. Learning to be successful only comes after making many mistakes and knowing that we learned and lived through them.
I have realized recently that I don't need certain people in my life to define who I am. Having more doesn't mean you are more, it just means there is more, and this applies to people in your life too. I suddenly realized on day that I don't want, or need, their pop psychology, advice, suggestions etc. It sucker punched me in the face one day after on of their thoughtless acts and reply's to it. Supposedly people think that being a friend means giving you all the answers, and telling you who they think you are, and why. Like some how we are incapable of figuring out the answers on our own? I think that giving advice, especially the kind of advice that sounds like,”if you don't do what I'm saying your making a big mistake,” is a form of control. It took me awhile to realize that I was associating with people like this. Even sadder, that I was slowly morphing into one of them. Argh... It is a very humbling experience to wake up one day realizing that I was in charge of my own feelings, and that if I didn't like the way I was feeling around these people then it was time to move on. So I said goodbye and was surprised at the feelings that came with the decision. For the first time in a long time I could take a truly deep breath. My head didn't feel all fuzzy and I slept pretty darn good. It had been insinuating to me, for some time by these “friends”, that the feelings of anger, frustration and anxiety I had associated with them was my doing only, and that they played no part in this what so ever. I took what they said and gave it many hours of thought. At the end this was what I rationalized. I feel we are all part of a village. No one persons role is greater or smaller than the others, so when I realized that they were telling me that all of these feelings were in my control, and they did not agree with ( and didn't want to listen to) anything I had to say on the subject, the choice suddenly became obvious. Good bye, it was fun but our time on this earth together has ended.
I feel a certain amount of sadness, along with relief also. I knew these people for five years. I do have some fond memory’s associated with them. It is like a death, I grieve for the loss and what may have been, but these may haves were mine alone, not there's The perception they have of me is clouded by things beyond my control, and no matter how hard I try their perception cannot be changed by anything I say or do. This was an empowering reality for me. These people come from places of addiction. Addiction to substances, to behavior, bad feelings and bad habits. These are things I choose not to have in my life anymore.
I found this page on making friends...good advice. When I first started reading it I thought wait a minute, is this going to be one of those co-dependent do everything for the other person kind of tips? But as I read on I realized that these not only apply to making friends but in being able to choose friends. Interesting....how many people have we made friends with who don't have a lot of these quality’s? I think that if we were aware of the quality’s of being a good friend not only would we be better friends, but also pick better friends. I read through these and realized my mistakes. Do I want the people who I have recently fired as friends back in my life because I realize where I went wrong? No, not really. I feel that I have progressed beyond them and the chance's of these people ever being able to truly listen and understand me is gone; in-fact probably was never there to begin with. When I met them I was a different person. In a different place in my life. I had lost some family members and thought that they could fill that void. Years later though I, for what ever reason, see very clearly that I replaced that void with the kinds of people I didn't want to have in my life. The choice to not have certain family members in my life came because of abuse, lies, guilt manipulation and emotional black mail. The friends who I picked to replace them have turned out to be the same way. I am sure they would disagree with me; they have disagreed with, mocked, criticized, and made light of many important thoughts, feelings and opinions in my life. This no longer really bothers me though, they have a right to their thoughts, opinions and feelings, just like I do. But I don't have to be part of them and now I choose not to be part of them. In conclusion I add the the page on making friends for everyone. I hope this and my story will help everyone who reads it. :)
Here's the pith of the matter. The one sure thing in life is that life will change. Change is good, it leads us down new paths, to new places and new people.  If you find yourself standing in one place too long nothing is happening.


We all want to have true friends, but the quality of our friends depend on us. If you want to have true friends, you should be a true friend yourself. By being a true friend, people will love to be around you and many of them will eventually become your true friends.
In addition, being a true friend is a good way to solve relationship problems. It’s difficult to change other people, but you can always change yourself. You can then solve the otherwise unsolved problems in relationships.
True friendHere I’d like to share 17 tips to become a true friend. It may take years to learn to apply them but they are essential to boost your relationships.
Here they are:
1. Befriend yourself
Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.Eleanor Roosevelt
This is an essential first step if you are to be a true friend. If you don’t even accept yourself, how can you accept others? You may have made mistakes in the past that you can’t forget. But forgive yourself for them. You perhaps don’t have the traits you want in life. But accept yourself as you are.
2. Accept others
A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.Unknown
After you befriend yourself, you will be in a good position to accept others. Other people may do you wrong or have some bad habits you don’t like. But you are not perfect yourself so there is no reason for you not to accept them.
3. Make time
At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.Barbara Bush
Sometimes we are too busy to provide time for relationships, even for important people in our life. That most likely happens because we put relationships too low in our priority list. If we regard relationships as high priority, time won’t be a problem. We will make time for relationships.
4. Be a good listener
Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.Ed Cunningham
The art of listening is one of the most difficult arts to master. I experience it myself. Sometimes I talk with a friend but don’t carefully listen to what he says. Sometimes I’m introduced to a new person but don’t carefully listen to her name. A true friend doesn’t do that. A true friend is a good listener.
5. Enrich others’ life
Friendship is a treasured gift, and every time I talk with you I feel as if I’m getting richer and richer.Unknown
A true friend provides value to others. She wants people who meets her to be enriched in their life. If you want to do that, you should live a lifestyle of value. This way you amass value in your life you can then distribute to others.
6. Understand first
Everyone looks at life through his own lens. Often we expect others to see life through the same lens as ours, but that will create a lot of problems. A true friend is someone who is willing to look through other people’s lenses first. He tries to understand why they think and act that way.
One thing I find helpful for this is learning about personality. Learning about personality helps me understand why people behave differently from me in certain situations. A good, easy-to-digest book on this subject is Personality Plus.
7. Find common ground
Finding common ground helps you connect with new friends quickly. The common ground allows you to talk to others about something they are interested in and thereby build relationships with them.
To make it easier to find common ground, you should enlarge your ground. The larger your ground, the easier it is for you to connect with others. Two simple ways to enlarge your ground is reading a lot and listening a lot.
8. Be interested
If you want to be interesting you should first be interested. Be curious. Cultivate interest about many things. If you do that, you can genuinely be enthusiastic when people talk to you about something. People will feel appreciated and love to be around you.
9. Take initiative to help
Make use of your friends by being of use to them.Benjamin Franklin
A true friend doesn’t wait until someone asks his help. Instead, he takes the initiative to help others. This, of course, is easier said than done. To do this, you should be on the lookout for needs. Be sensitive. Often you can find others’ needs through what they implicitly say. You may also see it through their body language. When you sense a need, think about how you can help them and take the initiative to help.
10. Trust others
Confidence is the foundation of friendship. If we give it, we will receive it.Harry E. Humpreys
If you treat others as good and trustworthy people, they will also treat you likewise. Believe in your heart that people are naturally good, even when they seem to be the opposite. People will feel how you believe in them and they will be touched by your sincerity.
11. Rebuke when you should
In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.Solon
A true friend is not afraid of saying the truth, even if it’s not convenient to the ones who hear it. A true friend cares too much about the person’s wellness that he can’t afford to let him live wrongly. Always have others’ best interest in your heart and be honest to them.
12. Know the right time to do things
Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.Gloria Naylor
A true friend knows the right time to praise, the right time to listen, and the right time to rebuke. She knows when to come and when to stay away. A true friend masters the art of timing.
13. Have integrity
There can be no friendship without confidence and no confidence without integrity.Samuel Johnson
Integrity is the foundation of true friendship. Be sure that you do what you say. You can only build true friendship if you are true to yourself and others.
14. Commend others
Reprove your friend privately, commend him publicly.Solon
People need appreciation. They need to know that you appreciate them. Often we are quick to criticize but slow to commend. Let’s make it the opposite. Sincerely commend them when they do something right. Even better, commend them publicly.
15. Leverage others’ potential
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.Henry Ford
A true friend wants to see the people around them live up to their maximum potential. You can do this by helping your friends recognize and develop their personal strengths.
16. See the positive side of others
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.Bernard Meltzer
A true friend knows you good enough to see your weaknesses but he still believes in your potential. To become a true friend, you should believe that your friends are good on the inside no matter how bad their outward appearance might be. It’s by this belief that you can sincerely encourage them.
17. Be present in difficult times
True friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.Unknown
This is the test of true friendship. Fake friends will be with you when you are happy since they want to share your happiness. But fake friends won’t be with you in difficult times. Only true friends will choose to be with you in difficult times.
So, to be a true friend, be with your friends in their dark moments. Be with them even if you need to let go your own convenience. It may be the most difficult tip of all, but it’s the mark of true friendship.
***
While learning these tips may take years, we can always grow and become better every day.
Do you have tips to become a true friend?