We all do it at one time or another don't we? Play the blame game. The bad experiences we have, and the feelings associated with those experiences, must be some ones fault. I mean we must feel this way for a reason and Buddha forgive that we hold our selves accountable for our own feelings and actions. Recently I read something about blame, "If blaming is a game then why doesn't it feel more fun?"
I believe I have blogged some where before that I feel that blaming is part of human nature. Unless we have been taught from an early age how, and when, to be humble blame just kicks in. The people who know how to be humble are more often than not perceived as being victims so people associating with the humble have a tendency to try and take advantage of them, or dismiss their feelings and opinions. Blame appears to be much more empowering to many; but not really the brave option.
I don't think I need to point out the many different ways we as a society blame each other. Ill leave that all up to your imagination and personal experiences. What I do want to point out is this.
Blaming handicaps us in all areas of life. It causes a stand still to change and progress both as a society and as individuals. We have a tendency to become so mired in the negative fall out of blame that we are blind to its consequences. The people who most often suffer are those closest to us.
Over time I have spent more time than I can count working with persons who are stuck in the blame game. They keep on rolling the dice and coming up with critical failures. They don't understand why they keep on feeling so crappy. They've identified what they think is the source of the blame yet they keep on getting 1 on the dice. Maybe some more wrist action would help? Maybe a new set of dice? A set with better Juju.
If it is our goal in life to spread joy, love, compassion then blaming goes against that basic human nature. Blame supports being a victim, not being brave. It keeps us from taking the kind, loving, compassionate path. It wont matter what dice you use or how you role them. I know I know I just wrote that I feel that blame is part of human nature. This is where it gets interesting.
In every spirituality, including science, there is always a reference made to duality, heaven and hell, yin and yang, atoms, protons, neutrons, and electrons. A path with a fork in the road...supposedly. I don't believe in the fork, I just believe in the path. There is good and evil in everything making it work, or not work, the trick is realizing this so that we can become balanced. Traveling the path while gaining wisdom and experience from the good and bad.
Becoming balanced takes work. In Dungeons and Dragons some of the hardest role playing scenario's are those that take place on planes that rely and function on balance. The game player can be neither good or evil, they must find the middle ground to finish the quest. How ever in order to have balance you must have good and bad. Does this mean the whole party, each individual in it, becomes balanced? Or does it mean that you rely on the good and bad inherently in each person and have confidence that in the end everyone will do their job to ensure a success in the end? So here's how it works.
Shit is happening and you feel like what is happening. Instinct tells us to blame, and who we usually blame is the one closest to us. That reaction, not response, is a red flag that we need to stop, think and even feel. Trust what we feel.
Why are we angry? Is it really the other persons fault? Or are we angry at ourselves?Did we take an active role in what was going on? Did we some how fail to communicate our true feelings over the situation and just went along for the ride? Did some one not validate how we felt and was that some one who you went on the ride with? Was there enough praise given to everyone involved?
I always think of my hubby when faced with blame for a few reasons. I will do this by telling a story about D&D. Years ago we played in an adult D&D game with some friends. It was a fun cheap way to spend regular time with each other and other people who's company we still enjoy to this day. My husband is not a gamer he did this for me. How ever my hubby is a very good role player and a very mischievous one. He's one of those people who, while everyone else is going this way he is going that way. Games really do mirror reality sometimes.
So we are in this town, cant remember why. What I do remember is while we were going this way, he went that a way and next thing we know he is being chased by a horde of angry Orc's that far out numbered us. A lesson imagined by our Dungeon Master to teach hubby a lesson. It didn't work. He found the whole thing hilarious. Still has pride and a big shit eating grin on his face when ever some one talks about it.
Cant remember what the out come was but I can tell you that he was probably to blame for something bad because almost 20 years later the whole party blames him...for something. That's the thing about blame, you hold on to it long enough with out addressing it properly and eventually you can't remember why you blamed who ever for what ever anymore. Unlike the D&D story how ever its not so funny in real life.
Eventually we become so comfortable with the anger associated with the blame that it just becomes second nature. Then it becomes hard to let it go because, well it must have been important right? Why else would we feel so strongly about it? So we look for other things to blame, some one else to point the finger at, just so we can hold onto that feeling that has become so important to us.
If we let go of the blame and anger what would take up that portion of our lives? What would fuel us on everyday? Make us feel what we assume is passion and motivation? Or worse what, and who, would we blame for our lack of passion and motivation?
At some point you just have to stop and say, "OK, next time we play D&D if you run down that ally we are not going to save your ass, you will be alone in your decision." And then just let them think about that for awhile.
Just like in D&D in real life we are all suppose to work as a team. Towards the same goal. This takes compromise, a lot of compromise, constant compromise...you get the idea. If you feel over compromised to the point where you feel you need to blame some one then you need to fine tune your skills of communication.
So once again, stop, take some time to feel and think, ask yourelf why you feel that way. Journal what you are feeling, come back to it, re read it, does it sound like you? Does it sound like who you want to be? Talk to some one you trust. Some one who you know will give you a straight answer no matter what and still love and respect you, and you them.
Another reason I always think of hubby is because of something he said to me once when we were "compromising." He implied that he was not responsible for how I feel. I looked at him with a "pardon fucking me" look but there is some truth to what he said.
While we are ultimately responsible for our own feelings it is near to impossible to let some one we love struggle alone. Hence the reason for the great Orc rescue. It is with in everyone's right to say, after wards, that we need to do that differently next time because I am not happy with the out come.
The Pith of the Matter. We very often do things for the ones we love with very good intentions. We try to be unselfish, loving, and compassionate. These extraordinary deeds should be praised. It does no one on either side any good if we don't speak the truth of how we feel about the whole situation before, during and after. While speaking our feelings this should be done with a tone of respect and love.
In my 34 years with my hubby I can tell you there has been plenty of blaming on both sides from time to time. But looking back I can tell you a couple of things. We wasted a lot of time on blaming that could have been better spent. Ultimately we both played a part in the out come of every situation so the blame never rested on just one of us. We were both very unhappy while playing the blame game and so was everyone around us. When we finally let go of the blame we were happy to find happiness. In the end, we are wiser for all of it. Now I look back on that horde of Orc's and praise hubby for a fun filled adventure. We rolled the dice in the game of blame and in the end rolled a critical success. Not a fun game to have played while playing it, but looking back now I smile.
Emaho Namaste Peace out
― Shannon L. Alder
― Steve Goodier