How to Council Your Kid

      

Gail Lumet Buckley, writer ^2b:

"Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future. We make discoveries about ourselves."

“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
― Albert Einstein

 

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

           I have had so many parents ask me to talk with their child.  When they do I always ask them why.  The response is usally along the lines of my kid wont talk to me, or theyre angry all the time, they are using bad behavior, they wont listen, etc etc.  sigh...I am going to be blunt here, but understand that I am using my whisper voice.  I get frustrated with parents who think that they cant deal with their own child.  A childs behavior is directly related to what they feel, and how they feel is directly related to their environments, and the people in them.  Kids really are not that hard to read.  You just have to make the time to figure it out.  I loose respect for a parent when they cant connect the dots from their child to the fact that you, the parent, (for instance) are not getting along with your ex and make no attempt to hide it from your child.  You have not made the agreement to parent politely for the sake of your child; your child see's and hears this and is reacting to it.  So how, you ask, do you figure out what your child is trying to say?  Well its not just one thing that has to be done.  So read on and hopefully this will help.  ;)
         First when you are thinking of becoming a parent, or even if you are currently one now talk with each other.  EVEN if you are not living together you can still parent together. When my hubby and I were young parents (we had our first son at 24) we actually had a few conversations about what we felt were the most important things for our kids to learn; things that would make them successful in what ever path they choose to take in life.
          Looking back Im pretty sure we didnt realize what an impact these conversations would have on how our sons would turn out.  For instance I thought that them telling us the truth, no matter how hard it would be, was important.  So...as a parent how do you make sure that they will come to you and...well...share?  Well you have to role model peteince, understanding, non-judgmental behavior, and good listening skills.  Harder than it sounds actually, especially for young parents who are still learning these skills themselves.  Whats even harder to do is always be honest with your child.  Dont make promises you cant keep.  Dont tell white lies, which are still lies.  AND if you screw up say so.  In order for your child to come to you he or she needs to feel that it is safe to do so. 
          Here's something else to talk with each other about. Consequences for mistakes/ bad choices should be resonable and never be demeaning.  They should be consistent.  A child should never be so afraid of the consequences that they feel the need to lie to you.  In some cases this is an indicator of abuse.  If your child is afraid of you it deffinitly should cause you to become introspective about how, and what, you are communicateing to your child.
         So the consequences of having taught these two points to your kids is this; if you ask them, in adulthood, a question, they will honestly, respectfully look you in the eyes and give it to you straight.  When I asked my youngest if he has had sex he said yes...sigh.  (I always hear my sisters voice saying dont ask what you really dont want to know.) The other consequence is what my eldest does which is tell me everything...and I mean almost everything to the point where some times I have to hold up my hand and say,"too much information."  I honestly feel that many paretns will not teach these skills because they dont want thier kids to grow up and tell them what they think of their parenting.  BUT if you dont teach respectful communication they will probably tell you anyways but in a very disrespectful manner.  So the question is, If you know they will tell you what they think no matter what you do, would you rather have them tell you with, or with out respect?  You role model how you want to be treated.  Respect is earned...even from your child.
          In my career I can no longer count the amount of parents who have said,"He (or she) never listens to me."  sigh...then they attempt to tell me how it is not their fault that this is taking place but their childs.  Seriously?  You are the parent; if your child is not listening its probably because you didnt teach that skill. AND I can pretty much guarentee that your child is hearing you;  he or she is just choosing to not follow through on what you are telling them.  WHICH is directly connected to you probably not following through...understanding some of this yet?
          NOw we come back to me talking with your child. I have also known many parents who have asked me to counsel their child/adolescent.  While I beleive that some times it is beneficial to councel a teen/young adult I beleive the reverse is true for children.   When parents are having difficultys with their child(ren) I beleive that the parents should have the counseling.   Why?  Well for one the child depends on their parent(s) to role model behavior,  to have the answers, and provide the answers, along with safety, security, and control.  If you send your child to some one else for the answers to your childs behavior all you are communicateing is that I cant deal with you;  your some one elses responsibilty not mine.  Once again...seriously?  If they are rebelliousness worsens when you take them to counseling chances are its because they still think you are not helping them.   AND that you are being a hypocrit.  Adolescents will most certainly think this way.
There were a few other things all of which can be found here. 
http://resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html  
This is actually a full text publication and well worth taking time to read through.  It talks about resiliency skills which are things that we all need to learn, and maintain, in order to be able to deal with what ever life dishes out to us.  These are things that a counselor can print out and give to you. But who is in the true position to actually teach them?  Yes; there are adults out there that dont know them much themselves because they were never taught either.  BUT as adults our ability to find and use informaton is far greater than a childs.   Its ok to say I dont know how to teach my kid this, that, or, the other thing.  BUT if you choose not to find out how to teach this, that, or, the other thing then you are completely accountable for not only yourself, but your childs behavior also until he, or she, becaomes an adult.  (Another example of Karma by the way.)
          Ill tell you something else some parents dont think about.  Do you know what your child talks about in counseling?  Well there are a few scenrios here.  One- they talk about random stuff that really doesnt make a difference.  Two- they dont talk about anything.  Three- they talk about you, and four- they talk about stuff that you should really know about any ways.   Isnt this all stuff that they could easily say to you if you made your self open and available to them?  I suggest you saving your money, or better yet, you go to counseling.  OR just go to the library and check out a book!  We are not born knowing how to parent, and if we have crappy parents well forget it!  You can change bad parenting patterns, it is in your power.
          I can also share that anyone experienced, and knowledgeable, in child development can figure out why your child probably isnt talking to you based on your childs behavior.   If the child is throwing tantrums, and I mean HUGE tantrums, every where, in front of all kinds of people, chances all are that the childs needs are not being met.  Hence some one is not doing their job.  Oh sure you could try to blame it on the counselor you are spending alot of money on, but, that counselor has mabey one hour a week with your child.  You have them for all of the hours inbetween. 
          Another thing for you to know, understand, and consider is this.  IF your child has a learning disability, behavior disability, emotional issues, developmental delays, autism etc. how are you really going to know if  they actually have a challange that is keeping them from being successful unless you get certain things in order as far as parenting and/or household organization.  Most counselors will not observe a child in your home, or at school, to the point that an accurate diagnosis can be made.  (This requires time and there fore more money.)  They have to go based off of what you tell them.
           If you are unable to tell them about all the skills your child is having difficulty learning then chances are your childs needs will still not be met.  (This will even be hard for you because you are not with them all the time either.  So then you have to call in school personel etc.)  So you don't want to spend the extra time and money to find all of this out what happens next?
           Your child could be put on a medication that could do more harm then good.  AND the problem is not being solved.  Giving meds for everything is just putting a bandade on the problem.  What happens when the child turns into an adult and chooses to not be medicated any more but still doesnt know the skills necessary to cpe in the world?  We are so quick to always blame doctors and the pharmacuetical companys for the huge amount of medication being taken today.  But the bottom line is that it really is not just their fault.  We have the ability to say no and examine others options first. 
          My youngest son was on ADHD medication from 1st grade till third grade.  During the years he was on meds my husband and I, and even his big brother, (and anyone else in his life who we could get to read) worked hard at teaching him the tools he needed to live life with out taking medication.  He is the one who graduated early, went on to one of the toughest auto mechanic schools in the country, and then, relentlessly, pursued Mercedes Benz until he finally landed a job which he is still at. He is in a successful relationship with a girl and has many friends.   He still doesnt like crowds much, and we usually have to ask him about things, he doesnt volunteer to much.  But if asked he tells the truth.
          I am not against taking a medication; but it should be what needs to be taken only after other options are used and have failed.  OF course if you have things like diabetes, cancer, heart problems, etc. then you should be on medication.  Medication is to help someone stay alive and enjoy life.  Do the meds that are taken so freely now do that?  For everyone? 
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/10-techniques-shape-childrens-behavior
http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html
http://blog.casaforchildren.org/blog/opinion/wrong-prescription-psychotropic-medications-foster-youth/
These three sites share stats on the amount of meds being administered to children and how to use postive discipline.  The one on foster children is interesting because it addresses behavior problems and how kids are quickly prescribed meds.  If I were taken from my family, my parents were alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitues, gang members, engaged in domestic abuse, sexully abusing me, I would be pissed off as hell and act out too.  Do we need to medicate these kids or teach them that what they are feeling is appropriate and how to deal with what they are feeling?
          Now a couple of definitions for you to contemplate.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/listen?s=t   You will notice that one of the deffinitions says something to the extent of children dont always listen to their parents.   The next deffinition is hear.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hear?s=t   In order to understand how your child thinks when you talk to him or her you have to understand that your child hears you; perhaps he or she is choosing not to listen.   If this is happeneing then the problem is not with your child it is with the communication process.   ;)   So fine tune how and what you are communicateing.  Are you talking too much?  Are you not giving enough information?  Does the child understand what you are trying to teach?  How do you answer these questions?  ASK them!   Your child is an individual you have to have an exchange of words to figure out not only how they communicate, but also, how much they understand at what ever age they are at.  There are many very young children out there who know far more than we give them credit for.  And there are many teens who don't know how to read.
          Next!  How are you talking to them?   If you are discussing something with your child it should be a discussion not a lecture.   Hmmmm...already I hear people saying my child won't tell me anything, all he says is ok, or what, or I dont know....common.   So ask questions again.  Give them time to answer the questions.  MOST importantly dont use a behavior with them, while you are trying to get answers, that suggests that you will be angry with any answer they give you.  Bascially talk with them calmly and petiently.  LISTEN to their answers. 
          How do you let your child know that you heard what they are saying?  Validation, repeat what they said to you in your own words and ask is this what you are saying to me?  If they get frustrated, and angry, role model peteince, take a deep breath, and share,"I know this is frustrating but I really do want to make sure that I understand what you are saying to me."  (or something along those lines.)  This teaches your child how to fine tune their conversation skills, and how to be peteint.  Always use your manners and be respectful.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/25-ways-talk-so-children-will-listen
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
Other tricks that help?
           Give your child undivided attention.  To this day I will have my sons run house hold errands with me.  When they were little it was easy to take them with me every where, as they got older not so much, they wanted to stay home, closed off in their rooms, doing what they like to do.  Now its a good excuse to spend long periods of time with them and hear how they are doing.  During these times I have learned what kind of music they listen to, movies, and/ or tv programs they like, who are their friends, enemys, girlfriends etc. etc.
           My hubby has them work on the cars with him, or he goes out when they are working on theirs.  We also have always made time for family meals.  When they were little it was dinner.  As they turned into teens/young adults it turned into breakfast.  Now that they are adults we have a family meal every once in awhile just to get together, and then of course the holidays.  (THese meals alos include thier friends very often.)  Yeah ok, we didnt always have dinner, or breakfast together, life does have a habit of getting in the way.  BUT the point was, and still is, make time for your family.  It lets them know that what you have to say to me is important and worth listening to.  My husband and I also shared things with them concerning what was happening in our lives, or we would share with each other, while they were present, so they could see how it was done.  (We tried to spare them of family issues that were not their responsibility...like finances.)  Make sure and ask them every day how their day was and then listen.  Stop what you are doing.  Engage in conversation with them.  Ask questions.  If they ask you something, and you dont know, say so; then go find out the answer.
            Give random praise and love.  Dont wait until they do something outstanding.  DO this daily.  Give hugs, high fives, pats on back, hold their hand, give a kiss.  The first thing that I do when ever I see my sons is hug them whether they want to or not.  Show interest in their life; thier music, books, hobbys, sports, movies, electronic games etc.
           Put the who, what, when, and where into effect and follow through on it.  When my eldest was in school if he refused to give us the who, what, where, and when he was usually up to no good.  The consequence was we didnt give him permission to go, then, we followed through on it.  It was his choice to not go, however,  because the rule was if you cant give us this information your not going, he knew this.  He honestly shared that he was concerned that we would check up on him and embarrass him.  What we explained is that god forbid we needed to speak to a police officer on his behalf; we needed to show that he was an honest, honorable human being that we trusted.  OR if something happened to one of us we needed to get hold of him.  His reply to that was we could just call him; we pointed out that we were pretty sure that if someone was at the hospital, injured badly, and/ or perhaps dieing that he would want us to get him and not share that on the phone.  We shared that we did trust him to make good choices, but if he wasnt going to share this important information then perhaps what he wanted to do was going to be a bad choice?  After awhile he started giving us the information, and found out that we never showed up to check up on him, infact we never even did a drive by with him.  For the most part he made good choices, and even if a mistake was made he learned and made amends.  Still does.
Pith of the Matter?  In a nut shell I will not counsel your kid, but I will counsel you and give you tools to help you feel like your doing a better job parenting.  None of us ever have all the answers on how to turn out a great adult.  It is a never ending learning experience from the time they are born till the day we die.  You can choose to be a life long student, how ever, and show your kid that they can always learn something new also.  Once again I share that hubby and I were not perfect parents.  We made plenty of mistakes that we were sure would scar them for life.  BUT when the instances came up, that any of our sons questioned something that we did, that left bad feelings, we listened, and were accountable.  They learn from us, and we from them.  Respect.  Listen.  Use it and they will too.

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
― Confucius, Sayings of Confucius