| Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920. |
| 1. The Road Not Taken |
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Fear is a great and awesome power...truley. Think about it, of all the feelings that motivate us, including, but not limited to, love, hate, and fear; fear perhaps will encourage change faster than any other. Threaten to with hold love and people will say, "well your not the only person in the world there will be more after you to love." Or my personal favorite,"you must not have really loved me to begin with." (which makes love easy to dismiss, It wasnt our perception that was flawed it was some one elses.) Hate is fleeting and people know it; that brocalli we hated when we were kids we now love in adult hood. The love, and hate, words are thrown around alot too. I loved that movie, or hated it... Those words are attached to so many things, people, and places that the true meaning of them gets lost to us; their value is diminished. But fear! Ahh now that is something that we really dont experience too ofter. Suposedly... We believe we know when we are truley afraid. Out body starts to respond to the fear. Flight or fight kicks in. But should we always really give fear its due?
http://io9.com/5808083/ten-fear-responses-that-make-no-sense-and-why-we-have-them
I love when the universe makes what I am suppose to learn very obvious to me. Recently I seem to be hearing many people, whom I greatly respect, and admire, share that they have stopped saying what they think, and feel, out loud; basically because they think no one will listen to them. This conclusion is based on how they think they will be percieved by others. Fear. I know that when I find my self confronted with a topic that keeps on repeating itself over and over in my life it is some thing that not only am I to learn from, but, something that I should speak up either for or against. It is rare that I let fear of what others will think of me get in the way of saying what I feel, and/or know, based on facts. This was taught to me however, adn if the person(s) who taught me had been afraid of what I would think of them I would not know, and do, what I...well. know and do.
I remember reading years ago a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gift_of_Fear
A great book. Usually I dont read books that are not novels cover to cover. I pick and choose what I want, or need, to know as the need arises. This book I found myself reading cover to cover. Bascially, the book talks about true violent crimes that happened to people; they are survival storys.
In all of the examples used in this book there was a common thread. The victims didnt see it coming. The people shared that they kinda had an inkling that some thing was wrong, but they just thought they were being super sensitive, or paranoid. So they didn't take the precautions necessary to keep themselves safe. After their experience not only were they dealing with the fear of the horrible violence that was done to them, but also feelings of guilt, and an almost paralyzing lack of self confidence. They had to be taught how to trust not only strangers, but them selves. These people were never taught to trust ther instincts, how to recognize the true signs of fear. You know that voice that we're all told to listen to when we are little. ( By the way...what is that all about? I remeber when my mom or dad told me to listen to the little voice in my head I was confused. I wasnt hearing voices in my head? And then later as I got older I learned that if I was hearing voices that I was crazy...seriously. I taught my kids about instinct instead.) Any ways I divert. So the people in this book thought they were some how flawed. That, because, they didnt see it coming there was something wrong with them. I, and the author of the book, disagree. (I some how think many others disagree also.) This disagreement is where some problems begin. There are so many people out there who are so use to dealing with fear it is hardly noticealbe to them anymore. They live in a constant state of anxiety. I have a difficult time with this victimization.
I have, surprise surprise, been critisized for not being informed. It is this supposed lack of information that doesnt make me more afraid. What am I suppose to be afraid of? Am I suppose to be afraid to help you feel more justified with your fear(s)? It got me to thinking...in my experience one of two things is going on when I am told this.
Either I am genuinally not informed, or the person accusing me of being uninformed is actually saying I dont know what Im talking about because I dont subscribe to their point of view, or how they feel about something; which by the way is not the same as disagreeing with a point of view. If I am uninformed I usually start going about informing my self. This doesnt always work how ever. I have a tendancy to research both points of view and try to stay nuetral. I am always a little surprised by how many people this offends. I should either be for, or against pharmacueticals, the medical profession, lawyers, contractors, sales people, gay rights, childs rights, human rights, animal rights, the government, politicians, exercise, GMO's, diets, test tube babys, parentings, public schools, private schools, health care reform...the list is endless.
If some one accuses me of not understanding because I choose not to subscribe to their point of view it is usually because I percieve their point of view as being fear based. Fear is not power, it is the anti power. Ide like to say sorry at this point, but actually I don't feel this is an area that anyone should feel they need to apologize. People will believe what they want to believe. I personally believe that understanding all points of view to almost any given situation is beneficial. Does this mean that I don't have personal opinions regarding anything that is going on in the world? NO. It does mean, how ever, that I am aware that there cannot, and should not be just one point of view. If there is only one point of view there is no balance. Feeling unbalance contributes to fear in my opinion.
I have also been accused of limiting my knowledge in certain areas. For instance I dont watch the news. I am very anti news infact. I find them to be 80%+ fear based. bleh. (been awhile since Ive had to wipe off my monitor...hold on a sec.) I choose to find out my information through other venues. I read alot. I also question people and listen, alot. I also express my point of view, alot, ;P often wanting to hear what others think, and feel, about it. It helps me guage my personal balance.
Right now, I feel that, in our countrys history, we are experiencing a huge in take of fear. The government has shut down. It is effecting many areas that we didnt give to much thought to. It is becoming blatently obvious that there is an uneven distribution of power going on not only in the government, but in business, and in the societal classes. Health care, education, the economy, jobs, so many things that for so very long we didnt give much thought to are now, suddenly, requireing more than just a passing thought. Funny, huh, how we only miss, or notice something once we dont have it anymore, and/or when it becomes more difficult to use, and/ or acquire. When it stops haveing the appearance of being "free". Add fear to the mix and well all hell can break loose, and in certain areas of the country it seems like it has. Fear can give us the illusion that we have lost control, but, it is actually there to remind us to take control. To do something. To be brave.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/brave?s=t&ld=1221
Fear is an interesting emotion, once again one of those red flag feelings there to make us more aware of our surroundings, and people, or things in it. BUT once we have identified what it is, we need to figure out where it stems from and how much attention to give it. How much fear do we invest in what is going on? Under some circumstances people, places and things will feed off of the fear. I kinda think that there are some people in positions of immense power who know exactly how, and how much. fear is needed to get results. Does that mean how ever that we stop paying attention to fear, or that we dont show fear? Fear is an extreme emotion for a reason. For the most part it causes extreme responses in our body for good reasons. It is telling us we need to protect out selves. Here are some sites that give ideas on how to deal with fear. There are more out there...a ton infact.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/overcoming-fears.aspx
http://www.counseling.ufl.edu/cwc/how-to-handle-fears.aspx
http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/fear.htm
Here is something for you to notice and think about. Why is there so much information out there concerning fear? Are people trying to market it? Why is there a need? I think the problem we are facing now is that we are bombarded, on a daily bases, with so many things, that we are being told we should be afraid of, that our bodys are in fear over load. We can't turn on anything electronic with out this being, almost, the first ting we are presented with. We come home after a long hard day, doing what ever it is we choose to do, and want to be entertained with what? Fear? What does living in fear constantly do to a person?
I remember learning years ago about the kids who grow up in some of the worst areas in the United States. These areas are basically war zones. Every day these kids are faced with drugs, abuse in all its forms, hunger, poverty, and violence that most of us only hear about on tv. The constant fear makes their bodys constantly exposed to all the chemicals in our bodys that are suppose to be released only under crises situations. Eventually they become use to these. They become immune to the things that make the majority of us respond. They stop responding to crises. OR they are in constant flight or fight mode; everything is a threat. Truth. I worked one of these areas, and there is not way to describe the levels of anger, hopelessness and fear. You have to experience it to truley understand.
http://healthpsychology.org/emotional-effects-of-terror/
Terror is different from fear. Many of us have forgotten what it is to feel genuine terror and confuse it with fear. We are under the false belief that we should be afraid of almost everything all the time. AND in my opinion this is one of the reasons there is so much anxiety running rampant out there. Ahhh it is a wonderous thing to see how effective some of those major business's, and govenment officials, have been in obtaining what they want and need. Feeling fear and anxiety? Take a pill. Afraid someone on meds might shoot you? We'll take your rights to guns away. Don't eat the food it is now bad for you. And we're not going to share how you can determine that any of this is going to be a good, or bad choice...just trust that we are doing what is good for you. There really is a cure for cancer, we're just not sharing it cause there would be so many people out of a job. We really want all Americans to have affordable health care, but we are going to make it hard for everyhone to do so.... Once again endless fear base scenarios. But then...isn't all this thinking also fear based? And who, byt the way, is the person, or persons, making you beleive that you should be afraid of all of this? Here are some things for you to read and ponder.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/terror?s=t&ld=1221
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ideologies
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fear?s=t&ld=1221
http://distilledmagazine.com/ideology-of-fear/
http://www.digitalnpq.org/archive/2006_winter/ramadan.html
Isnt it possible that intellegent people know, and understand how to use, fear ideologies where they need to control and maniulate large masses of people? Hitler seemed to think, so and he wasnt the only one in history to do so. But once again is knowing and understanding this causing fear?
So here is the Pith of the Matter. I think that it is important that we all educate our selves, and are completely informed, and aware of what is happeneing in the world. I actually personally believe it is not only a right, that many of us don't participate in, but also one of the basic reasons for us being here. If we are all here ultimately to contribute to a better life then we must all participate in all aspects of it as it not only relates to us as individuals but to the greater whole. How can we be complete as individuals if we ignore the whole? The bigger picture? With that said It is very important to understand how fear can play an immensly important role in how we respond to life. Fear is one of our base emotions. but, its use has deffinetily changed from the cave man days. So how do we deal with the daily barrage of fear?
My standard rules are these. One- does this require my immediate attention? If it bleeds, runs a fever over 101*, projectile vomiting, lethargic, broken bones, fire, floods, danger to life or limb, uncontrolable crying and/or rage, unresponsive due to depression or other unknown (this is the short list) then it needs to be addressed immediately. Two- if it doesnt require my immediate attention I have time to examine, observe and think about it. I do not let others deter me from my contemplation/meditation.
Im sorry you may feel that me getting into my sons school immediately to address him calling you an ass is an emergency, but in my world if I leave work right now that may require me to loose my job which, by the way, will instigate an emergency in my family. I want to address this problem with you, it is important, but I am unable to come immediately. ;)
Anyone who insists that you drop something to take care of something, that does not fall under number one, more that likely thrives on drama. Drama is an energy sucker. I like to conserve my energy for real fear. Three- speak up! I think we all have that inner compass for a very good reason. Not only to help point us in the right direction, but, to help point others in the right direction. If this was not the case there would be no need for teachers, doctors, lawyers, politicians, social workers, etc. The problem is that it only takes one bad apple to give the whole group a bad name. BUT I believe that everyone is good. This helps me truley notice when someone is evil. And yes I mean evil, beyond help, and there are a small percentage of people out there who are with out moral, and valutes, they fall under catagorys such as sociopaths, nascisists, etc.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evil?s=t I think evil is another word that has been thrown around too much and has had its meaning dimished.
I recently had a conversation where some one who questioned my being to trusting. I shared the following. Anyone who thinks that I am unaware that everyone is capable of misleading another for their own personal gain has already lost with me. I am a Social Worker, I am completely aware of what the world, and the people in it hold. BUT I beleive in change and in the idea that goodness exsisits. I will continue to role model this. No one has ever taken advantage of me with out my consent. If someone does, and thinks they got away with it and that I am unaware that they did so, I feel sad. I feel like I have failed. This person was not in a place to yet understand the idea of love, kindness, and compassion, and that is sad. It is true, I will distance my self from these people, but not because I am being a heartless bitch with no understanding. My door is always open. If I beleive people can change then I need to be open to allowing this change into my life. I know who I am and why I do what I do, why I speak what I do, why I beleive what I do. None of it anything to do with what you do. Well...unless you have something to teach me, which actually most people do, but it is still me who chooses to learn from everyone.
I truely believe that some people will test us. Test our strength, our energy, our morals and value, our love, our kindness, our compassion. Are they aware that they are doing it? Not always. They are just working from a place of need. What they think they truley need from others, and their environment to be happy. They have not yet learned that it depends on them solely. That no matter what life dishes out, what fears we face, we have a choice and it is called attitude.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/attitude?s=t&ld=1221 Attitude is learned for the most part. Yes there are some people out there who are born with the temperment to look at life if a much better light then most of us; I would like to tell you that I am one of those people; but I am not. I had to learn throuh a series of events and was taught tools to keep me in a place of optimism.
Which leads me to the last point. Four- know when to turn you back to something and walk away. Once again this is an art form, used with complete understanding and awareness. Its an extension of the whisper voice. We have all heard from some one in our lives that we should just turn out backs and walk away. When we are young this idea is almost offensive to us. We are just obtaining freedom, a voice, independance, and then some one tells us to not react? To not engage, to walk away? That it takes a stronger braver person to walk away. It sends a very strong message when you quietly turn your back on bad behavior. I didnt fully understand this until I was actually talking with a client.
He was a young dad, with a baby momma; his son was two years old. They were having difficutlitys with their sons behavior. He was hitting, throwing things at people, screaming, crying, exhibiting out of control behavior. Well I know that when a child is acting this way he has learned something. He has either learned that acting this way gets attention, or that he has seen the adults around him behaving this way. The only way to figure it out is to start asking question and then listen. What I found out was this. They were trying hard to be good parents. To set boundaries and do the right things, I observed them in action. So while I didnt know what the parenting was when I wasnt present I knew they were capable of it. So what was the missing piece? The understanding of how what ever behavior they used around the child was role modeling how the child was to act.
The dad had spend some time in jail for assault and battery. He had never been taught how to appropriately express anger. Very often, in front of his son, he was...raging, and getting no where with it. Dad tried to justify his behavior saying that until I had someone screaming, yelling, swearing, and spitting in my face I couldnt understand. Huh...well...I explained that I experienced this on almost a daily basis and let him think about it. I also explained that at the end of the day I had to live with my self. I asked him how would he feel if his son had to go through some of the same things he did, because...his son is watching...it was obvious that he was. His dad changed, and the little boys behavior got better. The dad learned how to walk away, to turn his back on the things he disagree'd with. He was even able to do this effectively in parenting. By doing so he actually gained self confidence.
When we have politely, respectfully, spoken honestly, with our whisper voices, and we are still not heard its ok to turn our backs quietly, with confidence, and not engage in bad behavior. The reason we speak up is not to make some one do what we feel is right. It is to let the other person know that we feel differently, and will not support how they feel. We are actually supporting the other person by not supporting their bad behavior. So when, for instance, some one expresses something to me that I feel is driven by fear I can still agree with their view point, but disagree with the feelings that are drving the view point. If we want to be respected for our point of view shouldnt it come from a place of fact and information? Yes having a certain amount of feeling behind it helps, passion accompanied with our beleifs is important. If you really want to sell it though you have to know what you are talking about.
This is a message of love and support to the important, much respected people in my life. If you hesitate about speaking up to parents who are doing an obvious bad job at parenting I say speak up. Your experience is based upon you once being a child even if you don't have your own children. Understanding, and remembering, this is what makes a good parent. Anyone can father/ mother a child, not everyone can parent.
To those of you who have stoppped advocateing what you beleive in because of what others have said; I say dont quit. Your beleifs dont have to be believed by everyone. By not speaking up you are depriving those who do hear your voice.
For those of you who choose to speak from a place of fear and emotion, relying on fear and anxiety to make your point, using fear as fact, and then accusing other of not listening to your irrational feelings of being ignorant I have a couple of things for you. I dont subscribe to the fear based ideologies. I do not support the fear based idologies. I have facts to support this position. I am not ignorant of what is going on in the world. I choose to feel differently about it. Most importantly fear will not prevent me from speaking up. Fear will not keep me from finding information. Fear will not keep me from walking away and turning my back on "them." (see Them blog) Change trickles up not down. Swimming up stream is hard, but not impossible, just takes some focus, thats all. :D It is by taking the path less traveled that we truley know we have made a difference. It is this path that our life has meaning. It is karma. I am not alone. I am making a concerted effort to make sure that others are not also.
The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
― M. Scott Peck
“We must be willing to fail and to appreciate the truth that often "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived.”
― M. Scott Peck
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