"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -Einstein
"Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." Benjamin Franklin
I have told this story so often that I have decided it is time to put it into writing. It is a true story and a great example of how to use a teachable moment with humor. What is a teachable moment you ask? http://www.pba.org/programming/programs/focusoned/2132/
My hubby and I are, for the most part, pretty laid back parents. Yeah, we yell some times, we get angry sometimes, but there has never been a parenting instance where we have not been thoughful in discipling and/or teaching our now grown sons. If we are too upset to teach/discipline appropriately we wait till we are. We have made some mistakes, (none that left scars according to our sons) but some times we make such great parenting choices that they are almost historic. We feel honestly, and not so humbly, that they should be passed on in oral tradition from generation to generation. This is one such story.
When our youngest son was around 10 years of age, and before our adopted son was in the picture, we had a chance to take him to Florida. We decided to go to Disney World, ten being the age for boys where going to the Magic Kingdom is almost not cool. Thank goodness for Space Mountain. Our eldest son was around 17 and decided he was to old to go and wanted to stay home...alone. After some conversation between hubby and I, me and eldest, hubby and eldest and finally me, hubby and eldest, we decided to let him, for the first time ever, stay home with out a chaparone. uh yeah....
My hubby and I are not fools; we are aware that the majority of teenagers left home alone are going to have a party. (Both hubby and I can speak from experience and wisdom in this area.) So instead of preaching, and yelling, to him about all the cons of making this "party" choice we just gave him permission. Now now before you start reprimanding me read on. We also told him that if we found out he and/ or his friends were loud, and/or disrespectful, to the neighbors, and/or that the police showed up, and/or anyone was arrested, and/or something got broken, damaged and/ or destroyed, etc.etc. that there would be consequences not only to him, but his friends; all of whom we knew very well. By the way make sure you throw in consequences to friends. In teens peer approval and acceptance is important. If they know that you will not only talk to their friends parents, but to their friends also, they are more apt to make good choices. Once again I have to re-emphasize that all of this works only when using a sense of humor, respect, petience, and your whisper voice.
So... we leave town and had a great vacation. A week later we came home to a clean house!?! Huh... we thought... suspicious. Yeah there were a few dirty dishes in the sink, but no biggy. We looked around the house carefully thinking,"gee may be he didnt have a party?" Then we found blue frosting in the crevices of things like the door wall, and a few other places that I can't recall...,but trust me it was around. We asked our eldest about it and he admitted that he had had a birthday party for a friend; there was a cake fight that he quickly put an end to and made his friends clean up. Nothing was broken, house was clean,(he cleaned up what was missed), no bad reports from neighbors, or the few friends that we had asked to keep an eye on him, and the house,...so...all in all the independance challange was a success!
THEN our youngest came out of his room, the same day that all of the above took place, and asked who's smiley face blanket was that on his bed? Our eldest nonchalantly replies a friend of his (I am not using real names to protect the guilty; so for the sake of story telling we will call him Timmy.) stayed a few nights while we were gone. Once again no biggy; we liked this kid hes a sweet boy.
About 24 hours go by and our youngest comes out of his room, very quiet, and subdued, and blushing from head to toe. He quietly shares that their are condom wrappers in his room. Needless to say the bed was immediateley stripped and washed. I asked our eldest about this, he admitted that his friend, "Timmy", had "hooked up" with a girl while he stayed.
sigh... To make a long story short...I beleive that embarrassment, if used properally, is a good dicsipline technique for adolescents. I mean they have to understand that some times the consequences of their actions is embarrassment. I also beleive that if they are going to put me into an embarrassing situation then fair is fair...Im going to share it with them. ;) I also beleived this was an excellent teachable moment not only for our sons but for their friends. I believed then, and still do, that it takes a village. I knew most of my sons friends parents and I knew that they would view most anything that I, and my hubby, did with a sense of humor and appreciation. The beginnings of a plan began to hatch with my hubby and I.
http://discipline.about.com/od/typesofdiscipline/a/What-Is-Gentle-Discipline.htm
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/embarrass?s=t
(A side note here. When I talk about embarrassment I do not mean using embarrassment to hurt a child/teen. If that has happened it was used wrong. One of the deffinitions of embarrass is to make difficult or intricate, as a question or problem; complicate, to put obstacles or difficulties in the way of; impede. Remember the most important things that teens are learning is critcial thinking, problem solving and communication. Some times to embarrass means to confront teens with problems/ obsticles that they would just as soon not deal with. Like sex, drugs, etc. These are difficult problems and will be embarrassing for everyone involved. But once again I ask who do you want them to learn from? These are opportunities; dont let them pass you by.)
My eldest, and his friends, hung out at the local comic/card gaming store. One evening when I knew they would all be up there, I went up. They were use to seeing me around and didnt think it strange that I was popping in. This time I had with me the smiley face blanket however. There faces went from happy to...this is the only way I can describe it...,"oh shit" with heads lowered, eyes diverted, and blushing faces. I walked up to the friend in queston, Timmy, and said,"Timmy I want to thank you for leaving some items in my youngest sons room and putting my husband and I in the postion to have a converstaion with him regarding premarital sex that we didnt want to have with him right now. (Technically we had had the conversation already but they didnt know that.) With that in mind I am keeping the smiley face blanket as payment." Everyone burst out laughing, Timmy turned red, and with a smile apologized. That was the end of that; until about three years later. (Thank goodness I kept that blanket.)
We were now living in Florida and our eldest was 20 or 21. I was working, my hubby was traveling still and our youngest was in Junior high. One day I come home from work and was told by my youngest, who by the way was pissed off at his big brother for some reason or another and decided to not keep the secret anymore, that his brother had been bringing a girl home and having sex with her for the last three days while I was at work. sigh....again
Well, once again condencing the story, I told my eldest in a nice respectful tone of voice (and after listening to the brothers lob comments like duche bag, and butt head, and a variety of other names for about 10 minutes) that he was not to do this anymore. I explained that this was a marital house, it belonged to his father and I, and in this house in order to have sex you had to be married. (Think about this statemtn for a minute...I was basically supporting only having sex when you are married, but also sharing that he was an adult, well in body if not in spirit, and if he wanted to engage in premarital sex then go some place else. The choice and responsiblitly was his; along with deciding how to be respectful.) I also humorously told him that if I wasnt having sex, because his dad was out of town, our eldest son was not going to have it either. He could go pay for a hotel room. I then of course shared that I really didnt want to be a grandma and that I hope he was making good choices. I also shared that he was welcome to bring this girl home, whom we will call "Sydney" for the storys sake, when I was home. Infact because he was having sex with her in my home he was obligated to bring her home now. Well he huffed, and pouted a little, but both my sons are good respectful people. He apologized and agree'd to the conditions.
A couple of days later he brings "Sydney" home and introduces her. They hang out, watch tv., and snuggle on the couch. I am doing laundry, washing, as it just so happens, the smiley face blanket. Then it comes to me like a flock of song birds, the bells started ringing, horns were honking, all the whistles were blowing, and monks were chanting loudly high up on a mountain.
I take the blanket, walk into the front room and unfolding the blanket and holding it up for her to see, say,"Hey Sydney did Dan ever tell you the legend of the smiley face blanket?" Dan looks at me and says very quietly, with a slightly amused look on his face,"I hate you." because he knows Im about to use the embarrasment discipline technique. Our youngest son is in the next room playing on his puter, but, you can tell that he is suddenly listening very closely because you can no longer hear the key board being used. (Which also proves that siblings do learn from each other.) Sydney giggles a little because our eldest had said he hates me humoursly and I think she knows that she is in for a treat.
I proceed to share how I inherited the smiley face blanket in all its glorious detail. When I was done I looked at her and asked,"You know what the moral of the story is?" Both she and my son look at me slighty nervously and she says,"no" I reply,"If you have sex in my home I get to keep something that belongs to you." I stood there straight faced for a couple of seconds....then she burst out laughing. My eldest repeats,"I hate you."
Never again have any of my sons had sex in mine and my hubbys home. Its not that we are prudes. My husband and I lived together for at least a year before we were engaged, almost two total before we were married. But my husband will tell you that he knew I was the one. In fact he told a priest once, when asked how did he justify living with me,"well its not like Im copping a piece of ass or anything I love her and Im going to marry her." I wanted to crawl under the table; the priest smiled and says its ok honey it was a good answer.
As parents I think the price we pay for mistakes in our youth is being slightly hypocrtical. Yes we lived together, yes we had sex before we were married, do we condone and support you doing the same? No. Why? Well because if we did you could be one of those thousands of baby daddys out there. Do we know the statistics of pre martial sex among teens? Yes. Are we aware that you probably will engage in sex despite us teaching you the reasons not too? Yes. BUT we also know that teaching you to make good choices in this area will keep you from becoming a parent before you are ready.
Of course being a social worker and telling them storys of young single parents, taking them to work with me when I was working in child care, and talking to them, in uncomfortable, embarrssing detail concerning sex, didnt hurt either. (BTW the discomfort and embarrassment was on their part, my hubby and I enjoyed all of this.) The bottom line is that creative parenting with humor is a far better teaching tool then screaming and yelling at them.
I have known many moms that have run out and gotten their daughters on birth control as soon as they know, or even suspect, that their child is having sex. I am actually for this. What I am against is just giving it to the child with out really asking some questions first and/or engageing in conversation. Ask questions about the person they are with. What are their likes, dislikes, etc etc. what do you two do together other than sex. We want to meet him/her. I don't care if its not serious; you are having sex bring them over.
The point is you help your child understand that while sex feels great and everyone, for the most part, engages in it, there is a way to be confident and healthy about it. We dont want out sons to use women for sex. And we dont want our daughters to think that they have to have sex with every guy they are with in order to feel liked and/or loved. Sex while it feels good is a way for two people, who genuinly care about each other, to be close, bond, and form a family. The bottom line also is that now a days you can die from sex. There are many sexually transmitted deseases out there that can either prevent you from ever having sex again, or ending your life. Truth.
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/talk-your-teen-son-about-sex
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/talking-to-your-kids-about-sex
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/ten_tips.aspx
My sons, for the most part, have been smart about sex. While they havnt always hooked up with the right girl, they have for the most part been respectful about it. It has helped them find the right person.
Males and females think differently about sex. Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but there is a norm, yes an actual measurement concerning sex, age, and the people who engage in it, and why. Males consider sex to be just that. A physical enjoyment. Men have sex to release stress. Women on the other hand, usually, have sex because they want to form and emotional attachment. They have to be relaxed to have sex, hence the idea of fore play. When talking to our sons about sex we let them know that not only is there the chance of making a child, but there is an even greater chance of forming an emotional attachment with the girl they were with. You know that statement,"them bitches be crazy?" Well if you had sex with them, led them on to believe that there was some kind of emotional attachment between the two of you then you dump them with little to no explanation them bitches will be crazy. I blame you not the girl. Technically the girl is behaving, according to the norm, apporpriately. I also dont have respect for the guy who bascially trys to make the excuse that he is just acting out his primevil urges. There is such a thing called evolution. Bowing to your base urges is basically admitting that you have not evolved. If that is the case then you are not intellegent enough to argue this point.
To be fair females dont get a by on this mind set either. If they understand that men do not think about sex like females do; then they should think carefully before having sex with someone. Especially some one whom you would like to be intimate, emotionally, mentally and physically, with.
Historically attitudes concerning sex have been on one end of the scale to the other. Either being puritanical or completely free with it. May be its time to be some where in the middle? In our house hold we are fortunate enough to have the smiley face blanket as a visual on how to accomplish a happy, respectful middle ground. Now that I have njoyed myself relateing an uncomfoartable and embarrassing topic. And know that I have been successful in reminding my sons, and their friends, (many of whom are parents themselves now) about a memory perhaps some of them would like to forget, I hope they can look back now and laugh. By the way...if you want to borrow the smiley face blanket for your future teen one day let me know. Its in my hope chest. Peace out.
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
-George Bernard Shaw
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