I have been meditateing and researching on the difference between being alone and being lonely. I actually enjoy being alone, and Im ashamed to say, that being alone for me is selfish. I like my space, I don't always like others invadeing it, I like to do what I like to do with out thinking about how its going to effect others. Then this train of thought disappoints me...what do you mean I am human like everyone else? thphhh... :P Do I really think about others to the point that it is what others think that determines what I do in life? And arnt we all subject to that from one degree to another? I mean ultimately we are here for each other. Anyone who thinks that they can do everything with out the help from some one else ends up being alone. Then I am back to what exactly is being alone, and feeling lonely. ergh....I dont like to spend too much time thinking on...well...things. It hurts my head and detracts from my pursuit of peace. I like to find solutions and then apply them to the best of my ability. I also do this because of what I do for a living. I apply all my experiences to Social Work. I cant very well help anyone if I cant speak from a place of experience. And once again I wonder in this whole scenario if I am thinking about my life as it interacts with others...sigh.
So lets get to the Pith of the Matter right away. This is my perception of things. On one end of the spectrum you have people who do nothing but worry about what others think of them. Some worry so much that they will close themselves off from the world so that they dont have to think about others and how they interact with them. Well that doesnt work...I mean it doesnt matter how far you run, or how much you try to hide, the problem will always find you.
Then you have people on the other end who dont, uh,"give a shit" about what others think at all. They say it with this entitled sounding voice like some how their life, and their experiences, entitle them to not give a shit about anyone. Yeah...once again it will find you.
I believe in the middle ground. Think about others with love and compassion, but not to the extent that it rules your life. If I am living a life based on good morals and values then finding this balance shouldnt be hard...right? meh....So why then is there this issue of being alone and feeling lonely. Well what meditation doesnt answer books and the internet will.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5804/The-Difference-Between-Lonely-and-Alone.html
Aha! Well now I get it. Recently my married son and his wife moved to New Mexico. I am missing them. I am very happy for where they are in life. They make good choices for their family. I am proud of them. I also feel a certain amount of joy not only for them but for my husband and I. Thank god...we gave them the right tools to be on their own. phew... Once again sounds selfish, but I have no illusions about the fact that it has been everyone of my sons choice to not use the tools we taught them. Periodically they find better tools that work for them. When they use the tools you gave them though it occurs to you that may be, just may be, you wern't the big fuck up parent you thought you were. You really didnt scare them for life; they respect, love, and even like you...huh...how about that. The point here is they are successful and I am happy for them...but I still miss them.
My adopted son lives far away and while he is wonderful about coming to almost every single family dinner I miss him also. He is fun to talk to and I have njoyed watching him move forward in life and conquor all those challanges he puts in front of himself. Then our youngest just turned 21, finished school, has a great job, is in a relationship also, and is a man working towards independance.
I am not one of those moms who looks for arguements to tell my sons what failures they are and how they are not ready to be on their own just so I can prolong the inevitable. They leave home; its the natural progession of things, and it is what must happen for a family to be healthy; so I like them to leave under good circumstances.
I believe in mistakes; we learn from them. My mistakes are my own and theirs are theirs. I sit back, give advice when its asked for (sometimes when its not) watch as they move forward and miss them. I am done parenting; I will always be there mom and am here to lend support when ever they need it, but the times that they need it now are few and far between. A life that I lived, that I dedicated my whole being to has passed. And yes I mean my whole being because there was not ever anything that took priority over family. Even if that meant sometimes saying no to them because saying no was what they needed.
I have been spending more time then I am comfortable with, with my memorys of their childhood, my early marriage and the beginning of my life. Some of those memorys are good and some are bad. Then, like many married people I wonder what is in store for the second phase of my life with my husband and alone with myself. I found this:
http://voices.yahoo.com/traditions-buddhist-marriage-ceremony-2635683.html?cat=23
What I found most interesting, what spoke to me the most here is the first paragraph.
The central Buddhist belief holds that life is a continuing process of change and that you should always be moving towards a state of greater wisdom and awareness. Marriage doesn't hold a key place in the religion, as Buddha did not consider marriage to be a sacred ceremony, so marriage is considered to be a social rather than religious occasion. Buddha did specify that any marriage should be based upon a foundation of mutual respect and that the couple should be equal partners.
Sigh...so how can you be Buddhist and balance relationships? And how can you be involved in a social relationship such as marriage and still understand and balance being alone? Foudn this.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/the-meaning-of-true-love-from-a-buddhists-perspective/
Somethings that stood out to me here.
We are affected by everything around us. Energy created can never be destroyed; it is merely transferred/transformed to evolve into a new form. Thus everything that “is” affects everything else that “is.” The spider weaves its web, creating a living matrix of awareness.
We experience romantic love within the context of these three aspects of creation. We suffer most when we are in fear. Sometimes the pain can seem insurmountable…we can seem alone in the vast expansive universe. Yet, at its core, suffering is an illusion.
Our fear of suffering is often far worse than the suffering itself.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.AND
~ Woody Allen
Suffering is derived from perceiving a loss.
Authentic love is whole, complete and, in essence, beyond suffering. The absence of love is suffering. The illusion of loss leads to suffering. When something dies, you don’t lose it, because you never owned it. We suffer most when we are attached to the illusion. True love does not leave a wound when it is lost, because true love can never be lost. Once created, “it” exists forever within the unity of the Divine sphere. The divine conversation of love is something beyond a mere notion or discussion—it is alive, filled with the budding possibility of a butterfly about to open its wings for the first time.
Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.Rumi asks,
~ Anonymous
“Oh lovers, where are you going? Who are you looking for? Your beloved is right here.”Love: Ceaselessly searching for the ultimate feeling of completion. That which is searched for, exists already within.
And there it is in that last sentance. That which is seached for, exsists already within.
I will end it here.
Peace out.
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