Mrs. B. the Younger

              

          When my eldest got married he dubbed us the elders; he and his new wife were, and still are, the youngers.  This passing of title, or the torch if you will, has suddenly taken on an importance I hadn't considered.  I have periodically blogged about my daughter in law.  She is very patient with me in this area (i.e. my need to express myself) because one- she doesn't like to be the center of attention, and two-she is not like me in big showy public displays of affection.  Some times, however, and I am going to be blunt about this, she needs to get over it; this is one of those times.  The daughter in law deserves praise, and it is time that everyone knows it.
          I don't think my daughter law always knows what an awesome human being she is.  I don't say this with any other intention other than to make sure that she knows and understands this.  In the early stages of her life, and with sharing just enough detail for readers to understand, she dealt with challenges that 99% of the population not only don't have to deal with, but don't have a clue about.  I am not exaggerating this. She will admit openly that growing up was a very difficult for her and caused her to question life in general, and her place in it, for a very long time.  Then she met my son.
          Now I, as a loving, proud, dedicated mom, would love to tell you that my son saved her, but this is not true.  They saved each other.  Both of them used their challenging beginnings to build a life together that, for those of us who watch from afar, are astounded by.  They don't have a lot of money, they don't have big huge titled jobs that provide an entitled income and everything attached to a big entitled income.  What they do have is a loving, giving, compassionate, kind lifestyle that encourages them to always give to others.  Due to this lifestyle they find themselves surrounded with luxury's that many of us take for granted; good friends, pets, loving comfortable environment and a loving, patient, dedicated marriage.
          Like most women my lovely daughter in law feels week, tired, and struggles.  All women feel this way, in fact, men do too, they just usually keep it to themselves.  I believe most women need to have a day or two where they get pissed off at the world and everything in it.  It needs to be done periodically so we can get on with life.  She deserves to have a bad day, may be more deserving than others from time to time.  Life feels harder for her more than others, and I think sometimes we forget that.  Like most women my daughter in law figures it all out and gets back into the swing of things; jumping in with both feet and a smile on her face.  Now may be some of you read this and think there is no need to praise something that we all do, we all just do it and accept that we don't get praise for it most of the time.  But here's the thing, my daughter in law deals with life changing issues on a daily basis that makes certain normal circumstances, like the simple daily function of eating, feel harder for her.  Yet she still does it.
          She goes out and hikes by herself, goes to school full time, works, working in areas that many people would never consider working at, she talks to everyone, learns from everyone, and everything, and daily looks for ways to challenge herself while helping others.  Knowing that doing these things help her feel that she has found her place in the world.  Helps her deal with life in general.  Helps her keep her sanity.  That there is a reason for it all. 
          She believes that the challenges she has been given are there for her to help and teach others.  Often not thinking of her own safety.  This perspective she has on life is something that many people do not have.  This optimism that despite the challenges that the universe seems to constantly dish out to her there is a bigger picture, and she see's it, understands it, and is up to the challenge.
          Many of us on the outside of her life worry, wondering if she is aware of the dangers associated with some of her choices.  This is frustrating for her, not because, I think, that she doesn't understand the love and caring associated with the concern towards her, but because she has grown up.  Grown up learning things that many of us have not.  Grown up with a different perspective on life because of what she has learned.  Grown up with a wisdom of the world which many of us take for granted and don't understand.  Grown up with a confidence associated with it all.
          So here is the Pith of the Matter on the Mrs. B. Younger.  We ask you to be patient with us elders who sometimes fumble with the right words to express how very proud we all are of you.  I personally thank everyday that I wake up that you are not only in my sons life, but ours, and the universe's in general. 
          I've told you before, and I will repeat it again, and here it is in writing fro you to hold against me when you think I forget. ;)  Regardless of what anyone else says, and many of those people are full of good intentions and love for you, you MUST do what you feel to be the right path for you. It is in following your path that you will feel full filled in life.  These full filling paths rarely come with lots of money, and lots of things, attachments if you will.  But they do come with confidence, bravery, wisdom, love, compassion, kindness; all the things that money cannot buy, and that you can only give to yourself.  It is a healthy selfish and part of making sure that you sustain a healthy life style, which many people don't truly understand is something that you struggle with daily. 
          Know that you have one, but I suspect many more than you know, admirer.  I watch from afar, with more pride than I can ever put into words, (which is ironic I know) and a growing never ending love.  Admittedly sometimes I live vicariously through you and I thank you for letting me.  My sister shared once with me that as we get older we pass the torch on to those who come after us.  I feel confident in the passing of the torch to you.  Thank you my love. 
Namaste Peace out

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”
― Rumi, The Essential Rumi

tags: follow-your-heart, guidance, inclination, occupations, preferences, pull

 

“She was always daydreaming. She never wanted to live in the real world; she always seemed to be separated from other children her age. They couldn’t understand her or her imagination. She was always thinking outside of the box, breaking rules, and only following what her heart told her was right.”
― Shannon A. Thompson, November Snow

tags: childhood, daydreaming, follow-your-heart, imagination

 

“I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted.”
― Steve Goodier

tags: courage, courageous, fear, fearfulness, follow-your-dreams, follow-your-heart, inner-voice, passion, passionate-living, path, path-of-life, risk, risk-it, safety, taking-a-chance

 

Your Grounded! (Or How to Successfully Ground Your Child)

   
 “You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.”
― Andrew Hussie

tags: grounded, homestuck 

 

“Get yourself grounded and you can navigate even the stormiest roads in peace.”
― Steve Goodier

tags: centered, grounded, grounding, peace     

           I don't watch a lot of TV.  I'm not one of those sit down every night and watch the same bundle of programs the same night at the same time kind of people.  I like movies, but I'm picky about the genre.  We have Netflix so I power watch series sometimes.  What I most often do how ever is fall asleep in front of the TV.  It takes a pretty good show to hold my interest these days.  One of those shows lately is the series Parenthood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vCDj0tsEp0 
I like how the story's play out about the parenting challenges and joys.  I like the characters in it. 
          The other night I'm watching; one couple is having difficulties with their teen age daughter concerning the boy she likes and wants to date.  She disobeys when the parents tell her that she cant date him anymore; gets caught, an argument ensues, and they, the parents. scream, "YOUR GROUNDED."  Well this doesn't work, you'll have to watch the series to see what happens.  ;)  This got me to thinking about the misuse of grounding.
          When I was working I never recommended parents to ground their child(ren).  Grounding doesn't work.  IN order for it to work parents have to make sure that they are monitoring the child.  Something that they should have been doing before the grounding.  So grounding technically grounds the whole family.  I don't know about you but my time is precious and I would much rather spend good time with my kids then time being grounded with them.
          There are other things to consider for grounding to work.  A parent has to take all toys, and electronic devices out of the grounded persons, in question, room.  I mean what is the sense of grounding someone if they are happy to be in their room playing?  Kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me. What is suppose to be a good form of discipline used to make a child think about what they have done, or are doing, turns into a great big giant pain in the ass. 
          Something else to consider.  Most teens will rebel against grounding.  Sneaking out of the house.  Sneaking onto computers, using the phones, using some one else's phone.  Screaming, yelling, slamming doors, rolling eyes, taking those HUGE exasperated sigh's which tell you that they think you are stupid.  Basically doing the opposite of what you want, and hope, the grounding to do.  AND while teens will do this in more scenarios that I can list it seems that grounding will be one of those things where you can times the bad behavior by 10.  Grounding in teens actually encourages bad behavior, not prevent it.  So in the spirit of picking and choosing your battles lets think twice about grounding.  Lets instead redefine it.

noun

1.

the solid surface of the earth; firm or dry land:

to fall to the ground.

2.

earth or soil:

stony ground.

3.

land having an indicated character:

rising ground.

4.

Often, grounds. a tract of land appropriated to a special use:

picnic grounds; a hunting ground.

5.

Often, grounds. the foundation or basis on which a belief or action rests; reason or cause:

grounds for dismissal.

6.

subject for discussion; topic:

Sex education is forbidden ground in some school curricula.

7.

rational or factual support for one's position or attitude, as in a debate or argument:

on firm ground; on shaky ground.

 

          In the definition of grounding there is nothing that remotely suggests that it is a punishment used to isolate children/teens and encourage parents to either not deal with an issue or to avoid an issue.  It is in fact the complete opposite.  What it is, and should be, is an opportunity for a child (and parent(s)) to calm down and think.  In order for you to teach the benefits of grounding you must make a conscious choice from the time they are very young to set the boundaries, and teach the benefits of grounding.  YESSSS I hear you...how?  Well lets briefly take it step by step.  ;)
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/8-tools-toddler-discipline
http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/07/distract-and-redirect.html
https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-114/350-114.html
           First of all time outs/grounding doesn't work under the age of two.  Before the age of two you divert and distract them from what every you don't want them to be...well...doing.  You can even still do this at age two, but introduce the concept of time outs.  Time outs at any age should never be used in anger, like spanking.  It is a thoughtful discipline tool used to teach.   What you are teaching in the early stages of childhood is self discipline.  Self discipline must be taught it is not something we are born with.  If you are screaming, and yelling, at your young child to, "PICK UP YOU TOYS NOW!" it is inappropriate to be upset when your child behaves exactly like you. Reacting with, "TIME OUT!" and harshly shoveing them into a corner will not teach what you want them to learn.  Quite frankly you have failed to teach self control, or even how to pick up toys for that matter.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/10-time-out-techniques
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/disciplining-toddlers
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
          If your child is not picking up toys AFTER you have taken the time to show things like, books go here, stuffed animals go here, etc.  You have even helped them a couple times, then you can consider a time out.  This is done with the child now sitting and do nothing while they watch you calmly clean up the room.  If you choose to do the chore for them then they need to understand that they cannot do anything else until it is done OR you can trade with them.  Mommy picked up your toys so now you have to feed the dog for mommy.  The other example of appropriate use of time out is the child has thrown a fit because they don't want to pick up their toys.  They sit in the chari until they have quieted down. 
          Standard rules for time outs with young children are one minute per age of child, and this should be adjusted according to the child's individual maturity.  Time outs are used to either help a child detach, and calm down, from bad behavior, and/or to think about what they have done.  Since a young child is still learning how to problem solve telling them to go and sit down and think about what they did is inappropriate.
          Instead what you do is have a timer up to ten minutes, at age ten time out rules change; it is the beginning of puberty, puberty changes everything.  Set timer, for instance, for your two year old for two minutes, where they can see it but it is out of reach.  (Because if you have a son like my youngest he will quickly figure out how to change it when he thinks you are not looking.) 
         Put a time out chair, or rug square, or a hoola hoop they can sit in, or a stool ( what ever) in a place where you can see it, it DOES not have to face a corner.  IN fact facing the corner is punitive and will teach nothing, kids hate it, and it usually makes behavior worse.  Let them see where you are.  I actually suggest you sit in the same room with them role modeling behavior until around four years of age (four minutes).  If you cant sit still with them they should see you, and you should still be role modeling good behavior.  For instance doing the dishes quietly, with no conversation, no tv, no music, no computer, until the time out is done.
         After two minutes (for a two year old) don't let them immediately jump up.  Go to them, shut off timer, sit down, and tell them what you want them to do from now on.  "I want you to go put those toys in the toy box now understand?"  Then follow it up with, "tell me what I said."  Just so you know that they heard you.  Simplify the language if you don't think they understood.  "Go pick up your toys now."  DO not lecture a small child you will turn into Charlie Browns teacher.  Blah blah blah blah...  
          Do the same thing every single time.  If they understand that every time they don't pick up toys they have to sit in the time out chair, and do nothing, until they pick up toys they will eventually learn to pick up toys to avoid sitting in the chair.  If they know that every time they throw a fit they have to sit on their rug square until they are calm they will start to minimize their "I want fits."  If every time they hit another child they have to sit in the middle of the hoola hoop they will learn not to hit.
          Using Time outs effectively also gives you red flags to other challenges.  Children with Asperger's, ADHD, social anxieties, etc. will sometimes use bad behavior to avoid other people.  If your child melts down every time he/she has to interact with someone then perhaps, not always, this is a red flag.  If your child melts down every time its clean up time perhaps it is an indicator that they are over whelmed, or confused as to what they are suppose to do.  In which case you learn better parenting.  ;) 
          Some children are very bright and will learn that every time they melt down they get out of doing something they don't want to do.  In these cases pick a day, or two, or three.  Involve all family members living in the house.  Then do the following, start off saying: "Pick up your toys now please."  Child reacts with bad behavior.  Pick up young child firmly, but gently, place them in chair set timer.  Timer goes off, rinse and repeat until child knows you mean business.  This is an art form of patience for parents.  If you have a spouse tag team if possible.  If not try to recruit another extended family member who understands what you are trying to achieve and will carry out your wishes exactly like you want them to. 
          Every time the child melts down all other family members leave the room.  They are sending the quiet message that we don't want to be around you when you behave like this.  It all must be done calmly and quietly.  Over and over again until the child understands that this is what is going to happen every time you choose to use this behavior.  This routine is called behavior management.   
          Now you don't want to use behavior management to squash feelings, thoughts, ideas.  You are teaching that these angry out bursts that you are having are hurtful and accomplish nothing.  Simply pick up your toys, contribute to our home and family, then we can go to the next fun part of the day.
          Another important aspect of this is PRAISE.  When they finally are successful and doing what you want them to do praise them ALOT!  You don't need to bribe them just hug them, love them, say thank you, it was a big help that you did this!  I'm so proud of you!  By praising them you are teaching that the realistic reward for a job well done is how good it feels afterwards!  Most kids want to please their care giver.  Not caring about pleasing a care giver is sometimes a red flag.
          As they get older and you add more minutes you adjust the communication with them.  Instead of just telling them what you want them to do you start asking questions.  Do you know why I told you to sit in the chair? Or, "Tell me why you had to take a time out."  Most kids will say I don't know, its the go to answer.  Don't get discouraged, calmly, lovingly look at them and say tell me what happened before you sat in the chair.  Keep on attempting to lead them to a conclusion on their own.  They will get frustrated, and angry, teach them how to take a deep breath and lovingly let them know that you are trying to teach them something important.  You can ask did you throw a fit?  What are the rules about throwing fits?  What are the rules about picking up toys, etc?  What are the rules about hitting?   You get the idea.  When you are sure they understand ask them to go finish picking up.  You can praise them for problem solving and communicating well, but don't praise them for picking up unless they did out with out a fit. 
          So you have reached age ten; puberty begins.  Primary skills for puberty are socialization, problem solving, critical thinking, and communication.  ALL of these are role modeled by the adults in their lives.  Taught by the adults in their lives.  Parents should be taking a more active role in an adolescents life even more so then when they are little.  You don't follow them around all the time because they need to start learning how to be independent.  But you follow up, and follow though, on everything they say and do.  Check if they were actually where they said they were going to be.  Don't assume they did their homework ask to see it.  Talk to teachers regularly.  To coaches, to friends.  Pop in at their hang outs sometimes just to say hi and hang out.  Role modeling every where you go love, kindness, respect.  DONT embarrass them in front of friends, classmates, etc., by using bad behavior that you wouldn't want you own kid to use around you.
          Starting at ten you let your child know, and make a big deal out of it that the rules for time outs have changed.  Time for them to move on to the next more mature phase of their life.  Don't say, "You need to be acting more adult now.  Use the word mature, not adult, they are not adults yet, you just want them to mature to the next phase.  Now they will be asked to take calm down time.  Calm down time is used for them to gather their feelings and think.  Some boundaries and rules you can use are. 
          You may take calm down time in your room, but these are used for you to think, so when I call you back and you don't have an answer for me you will be told to go back and try again and again until you have an answer for me.  If you are going to your room to play instead of think then we will decide on another place for your time out.  (then ask your child for two or three options on a time out location, pick the one that is least attractive to them.  If you don't like any of the choices pick one and explain why you have picked it.)  You can only use your computer if you are researching information on why you need calm down time.  You may not use your phone.  You can listen to music but no tv.  This is not a punishment, we are trying to teach you a valuable tool for problem solving.
          Calm down times are used to take a break and calm down.  Everyone has a right to feel angry, frustrated, etc.  BUT it is not ok to subject what you feel on others all the time.  If you feel that you cannot discuss things nicely with me, or dad, etc. then you can call a time out, go to your space, calm down, and think about it.  There is a time limit to calm down times however,  what do you feel is an appropriate amount of time that you feel you need to calm down and think?  (You can give suggestions here and let them pick one.)  ALSO if you feel dad or I (or someone else in the house) needs a calm down time you can say respectfully that "WE" should take a time out and come back to it when everyone is calm.  (Perhaps taking the time to explain that by using "we" you avoid pointing  fingers and prevent someone from feeling defensive.)
         " Here is a note book for you to write down some of your thoughts and help you keep organized.  I am not going to make you use it, it is a tool to help you be successful.  No one will read it, it is for your own personal thoughts."   Then if you find they never use the note book you have the opportunity to say,"I want you to go and try using the notebook."  If they reply with something along the lines of I don't need it, you can reply with, try it and then prove me wrong.  Kids like to prove their parents wrong. ;)  More often then not if you tell them to try one of your suggestions just to show you you were wrong they will find out that you were right and be thankful in the end.
          End with something to the extent of: "We are extending this privilege of calm down time to you because we feel that you are now mature enough to deal with these.  But privilege's come with responsibility's, in this case you are responsible for your behavior, acting respectfully, thoughtfully etc.  When, and if, you seem to be having difficulties in carrying out these steps we will step in and revisit this privilege and reset the rules to make you more successful.  Any questions?"
          In order for this scenario to work you MUST allow your adolescent to call you on bad behavior and use the same rules with you.  If he/she says you need a time out then respect those words and follow through on the behavior you want them to be using!  Adolescents are very focused on the idea of fairness.  So in order for you to enforce these time out rules you must be fair and have them apply to you also.  Teaches accountability.  ;)
          Pith of the Matter.  If you scroll back up to the definition of grounded you will notice certain words; environment, firm ground, facts, subject of discussion.  In order for your child to learn proper grounding you must teach, and supply them with words, environment, facts, firm ground, and a subject of discussion.  It is your job to teach this.   Do your best, apologize for mistakes, allow for mistakes from your child, and yourself, teach with love and respect.  Allow your child to speak their mind (just because they say something doesn't mean you have to agree, but everyone has the right to be heard, and if you want them to listen to you then you must role model good listening skills.)
          What you will put out into the world is a young adult who, when discussing things with you, an employer, a professor, peers, etc., is able to share what they think with respect and confidence.  Some one who understands that they have a right to what they feel, but, just because they feel it, and/ or think it, doesn't mean that everyone will agree with them or that they are going to get their way every time.  A person who doesn't feel the need to scream, yell, be oppositional, and/or make a scene to be heard, or get their way.  Your child won't feel that the world is against them and all adults suck so there fore they don't have to listen, learn, or even try to take charge of their own life.  Some one who is not afraid of the word no.  A person who understands that a mistake is not a failure. Someone who is comfortable with their choices.  When they are able to do this successfully you can look at them with love, and pride, and praise them confidently with the words,"Now you are grounded Im proud of you."

Peace out  Namaste

The Season of Acceptance: Or the Eightfold Path

  

 

http://www.verybestquotes.com/the-noble-eightfold-path-buddha-quotes/

      


          It is the holiday season once again and, I'm going to say this pretty bluntly, the Christians come out enforce.  When I first was questioning my spirituality, and seriously thinking of switching my faith to Buddhism I found Christian Holidays suddenly confusing.  Especially Christmas. 
          One of the reasons I gravitated towards Buddhism is because the idea of alleviating suffering, and being kind, compassionate and giving was encouraged and supported as a lifestyle.  While my husband will argue that most faiths out there promote the same thing, Buddhism for some reason, spoke to me personally; I got it in the language used.  Which is what faith should mean for anyone.  It should speak to you as an individual and encourage some percentage of improvement in the way you choose to live, even if it is a small percentage.
         It is rare that I berate other faiths.  To tell you the truth I don't feel that I actually berate other faiths so much as berate some of the people who interpret them for their own selfish needs.  Which brings me back to the holiday season.   Around this time of year there are suddenly lots of posts on Facebook, basically sharing, complaining if you will, that people cannot say Merry Christmas anymore, that good Christians are "forced" to now say Happy Holidays.  I call shenanigans on this mind set and here is why.

• ONE-  Most the people complaining don't attend church except on the holidays, and some not even then.  People who complain in this situation are the bad definition of being judgmental.  )see Absence of Judgment blog.)

• TWO- Many of the complainers are male.  Which I find interesting actually.  Haven't figured out why this is, not sure it holds any relevance at all really.  But it is a fact based observation, make of it what you will.

• THREE- ummm HELLO just because the constitution, and pledge of allegiance state "one nation under god" does not mean that everyone believes in God or should believe in God!  Shocking to many Christians I know, but that doesn't make some one less of a human being.  Just makes them of a different faith.  People of different faiths feel as strongly about their chosen spirituality as Christians do about theirs.  This is a commonality.

• FOUR- It is polite to wish a Happy Holidays NOT Merry Christmas AND for the record to non Christians; if you want some one to respect your faith then it is appropriate, and respectful, to wish your Christian friends, relatives, etc. a Merry Christmas.  Fair is fair.  Can't complain, and advocate for recognition of your faith while using the same behavior you are trying to change.  Just sayin...

• FIVE- What is needed is more awareness about each other, not complaining that once again no one lives, thinks, and breaths like you do.  sheesh....  Take the time to inform some one about your beliefs.  This does not mean that a conversion is needed.  What is needed is simply a conversation, an exchange of ideas ,beliefs, intellects.  Take the time to listen. 

          When I was in school I once found my self in a conversation with two fellow students concerning religion.  It started because one person simply asked me how, and why, I became Buddhist.  So I tried to briefly share my journey.  The other person, who was, and still is I assume, a Christian pastor, stood looking at me with a frown, that suggested confusion, and concern.  He stated that I don't believe in God, so how can I be saved?  How can I go to heaven?  I shared that in Buddhism the idea of heaven is Nirvana.  We reach Nirvana by trying to live to the best of our ability.  It was pointed out to me that this was unrealistic, that no one could live such a perfect life as to reach Nirvana.  I shared that this points out how we are all perfectly imperfect, to accept this fact, but to not let this distract us from always being kind to all always and do no harm.   Just because suffering is a fact and cannot ever be completely alleviated does not mean that we stop trying to alleviate it.
         Then he asked how do I get guidance, who do I answer to?  Everyone needs something greater then themselves to be accountable to.   I said simply, we have the Dharma which is the teaching of Buddha, and the Songka which is the Buddhist community. I also shared that in Christianity God is the light, in Buddhism I am the light.  I am accountable to me for my actions.  The motivator is how I feel when I choose to be kind, compassionate, and alleviate suffering.  I don't want to be accountable to some one else, or the idea of some one else; for me being accountable to me is more important.  I could see that he still thought I was misguided and needed Christ, but he was respectful and learned something that day.
         My husband who is accepting of my choices shared once that it made him sad that I would not meet him in heaven one day.  Hmmmm....I shared that if I thought that way I could choose to think that he would never reach Nirvana.  But I don't think faith, spirituality, religion, God, Buddha, Allah, the universe, science, our own minds, want us to use these values to separate us.  They all basically teach the same values the language is just a little different.  The commonality is that we all choose to have faith in something.  Not that we are all different and separated due to our faiths.  Using this mind set the end result is the same and there fore I believe we will all meet each other some where after life.

• SIX- I use to get caught up in the spirit of Christmas, and still do to a certain extent.  I like decorating, even though I hate taking it all down.  I like giving gifts.  But now I try to give thoughtful gifts through out the year.  I take the time to give of myself.  I make sure that everyone in my life feels appreciated, loved, and valued.  Because of this mindset I have found my relationships to be much more meaningful, and authentic.

• SEVEN- Speaking as a non-Christian I can share that the hardest thing to over come during the holidays is NOT people telling me Merry Christmas, I consider this a blessing.  It is some of my Christian friends/ acquaintance's feeling slighted, some how, because we didn't get them gifts and they got us one.

         It is the disappointment I feel for these people when they don't understand the idea behind gift giving associated with their spirituality, and understand even less the idea behind giving associated with my, and even my Catholic husbands chosen faiths.  To be honest I don't need gifts and am not insulted if I don't get one.  I provide myself with what I need to be happy.  More often then not I feel that I get gifts that have no thought behind them.  Its like the season of how much stuff can you accumulate and stuff, in my opinion, is highly overrated.
          Granted I have received some pretty thought out gifts in the past which I have greatly appreciated, but I truly have an issue with those people, and we all have had them in our lives, who just go out and buy something because it makes them look good, or worse they just grab what ever trying to get through the gift giving season as quickly as possible.  Seriously, what is the point?
          Some of the best gifts I have gotten?  Incense, which I use to meditate, a Sequoia tree seed, my favorite tree, old, ancient, towering regal giants who have stood the test of time, if they could speak to us what story's they would tell.  Books of all kinds.  Coffee mugs.  All of these given to me by people who truly know me and not a lot of money was spent.
         What I love accepting the most however is when some one just gives me a big hug and says Merry Christmas and takes the time to spend time with us.  Actually I prefer this which is why we have our annual Holiday gathering.  The point is that other people of other non-Christian faiths have a hard time understanding the huge level of apparent hypocrisy during the holiday season.  Why don't Christians spend more time during the year giving, showing appreciation, spending time with loved ones?  Why do so many people just run amuck during this one time of year?

• EIGHT- Then it hits me...who cares really?  The point is that people are taking the time, even if it is only one time of the year for many people?  This is not a moral dilemma really and does not require anyone to judge intent.  The intent is good and that is all that matters.  In the spirit of giving some times giving means simply accepting.  And there it is.

        The Pith of the Matter.  It is not the season of giving, but the season of accepting.  If we assume that people strive on a daily basis to be kind, loving, compassionate and giving through out the year the holiday season teaches people how to accept these gifts.  Getting a gift that is not really needed is actually practicing to accept help that you possibly don't think you need at other times of your life.  It teaches us to be gracious, and accepting.  The holiday season teaches us to be gracious and accepting of all faith's during the holiday season because it is the season of acceptance, not giving.  Simple as that. ;) Namaste  Peace out
http://secularbuddhism.org/2013/05/03/what-is-the-eightfold-path/
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
 

The Absence of Judgement

         I come from a family who is pretty judgmental.  Growing up I saw nothing wrong with scrutinizing how others chose to live.  The way people dressed, the way they kept their house, the wrong religion, lack of schooling, parenting, etc. etc.  I also tried to live a perfect life based on how I judged others.  Trying to keep a perfect house, raise perfect kids, and have the perfect marriage.  Trying to avoid judgment from others.  No surprise, this never happened.  What did happen was I became angry.  Angry at myself and then, inevitably, at my extended family once I learned that their expectations of me, and people in general, were, and still are, impossible.  I rebelled.  Not only did I stop interacting with many of my family member's, but I went on strike with my immediate family.  Deciding that trying to get them to live to my standards was impossible and they could just keep the house any damn way they wanted.  Living with a household of guys it wasn't pretty.  After awhile I came to my senses, sorted it all out, and found that from one extreme to the other their was a reasonable solution.  I would just do the best I could.  Simple as that. When I started doing this it was suddenly easy to have the same reasonable expectations for those around me. 
          Now I often find myself being judgmental of people who are judgmental.  This whole seemingly infinite circle got me to thinking, meditating, on the idea of being judgmental.  We all do it.  We judge ourselves, others, almost every thing that we look at daily, every minute of every day.  Its hard to get away from it.  It is, in my opinion, how we make decisions pertaining to right and wrong.  Which leads me to believe that perhaps we are suppose to be judgmental.  So how do we do this productively, compassionately, honestly?   Lets do a little being judgmental 101 shall we?
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgmental?s=t
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/judgmental
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgments?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/moral?s=t
          In a nut shell being judgmental implies that someone is speaking wisely on the benefits of using moral character.  Now this is where it becomes confusing for many people.  For instance I will use an obvious example here.  A person who is very passionate about religion.  The issue should not be whether someone is Christian or not, the issue should be whether or not some one has faith.  I personally believe that lack of faith is the moral issue. 
 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faith?s=t
          Faith does not focus on religion, or God, although it is defined here.  Faith tells us to trust something that we can't see, or touch.  Faith is believing that there is a better future.  Faith asks us to trust in something beyond ourselves. 
          Trust is knowing that things will turn out ok in the end, what ever, and when ever, the end is.  Faith could be God, it could also be Buddha, Allah, the universe, the earth, the stars, your own mind, science.  Faith is what ever any ones belief is; faith teaches us to trust in ourselves, our choices, and the unknown.  Both faith and trust are uncertain but require certainty.
          Another area that we use judgment on an almost daily basis is appearance.  We look at people and choose to instantly decide what kind of person they are based on how they dress, how clean they are, how bright their eyes are, if they are smiling or not, the color of their skin, what kind of car they drive, where they live, if their house is clean, are they married, have they ever been married, if so how many times, do they have children and how many, what is there extended family like, how many friends do they have, how many friends do they have on Facebook?  The list here is endless. 
          As a Social Worker part of my job was to pass judgment.  This isn't as hard as you think if you consider that they majority of people I came in contact with were in the system for a reason.  So standard rules for judging how someone is doing and whether or not they needed intervention were, and still are the following.  Cleanliness, of self, environment, and persons in the environment who are in the care of the person in question.  This has to be evaluated over a period of time.  Everyone has a bad day or two, geesh even a bad month or two.  Life sometimes requires us to set priorities and in my personal opinion keeping your house spotlessly clean is not at the top of the list if, for instance (and this is only one example), you have a loved one in the hospital that requires your love and support.  HOWEVER, if your house is falling apart because you can't get through a day with out popping a pain pill that you don't really need then there is a problem.   The only way to know how, and why, a person appears the way they do is to get to know them.  So that saying about first impressions is, frankly, full of shit.
          Another thing about appearances being deceiving.  There have been many instances where a  person, varying in ages, has been abducted and come to tragic end because they trusted how some one looked.  They judged that a police badge was authentic, a clown was fun and safe, etc.  How do we judge if what we are seeing is honest?  We take our time getting to know some one.  We teach that letting some one into the inner circle of our lives is earned through time. Judging someone based on the fact that they are clean, well dressed, etc. can also be dangerous.  There are many very successful business people out there who are technically sociopath's and narcissists.  We have trusted them with our money, the running of our country, many other very important aspects of life.  Learning to judge some one based on appearances can cause persons to make uninformed decision's.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sociopath?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/narcism
          Other things to consider when passing judgment.  Would you approve of someone hurting themselves? or others?  Would you sit back and say nothing while you watch a parent grab a child by the arm so harshly as to leave a bruise?  Would you sit back and say nothing to a treasured friend who is involved in a harmful abusive relationship?  Would you say nothing to your child about speeding tickets?  Would you keep quiet while watching a loved one spiral out of control due to substance abuse?  Would you ignore an adolescent who is cutting themselves?
          Being moral does not define the specifics of what being moral is.  Because technically it is an individual choice.  But I think there are some pretty clear cut moral choices.  Murder is wrong.  Child abuse/neglect is wrong.  Abuse/ neglect towards anyone is wrong.  Harmful behavior towards yourself or someone else is wrong.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abuse?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/neglect?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/harm?s=t
Is choosing not to judge actually being neglectful in some circumstances?
          Some people steal because they feel they have a right to.  A person who has worked diligently and loyally at a job for the same employer for 15 years leaves because they have received no promotions, or pay raises, and takes a company stapler with them.  Is this stealing?   How do we judge this situation?
          A wife leaves her husband with out notice not taking the kids with her.  How do we judge this situation? 
          A child is screaming his head off in Wal-Mart's.  How do we judge this?
          A friend has suddenly stop communicating with you.  Judge this?
          Your child's school performance is dropping.  Judge this.
          Your spouse has suddenly started coming home from work late with no explanation for why.  Interpret this.
          Every day we are faced with scenarios where we have to judge something or someone.  We get into trouble when we make snap judgments based on too little facts.  We don't take the time to talk to people. To observe, listen, etc.  Or instead we sit back and say its not my place to judge, or question something, or some body; even after we have taken the time to not make snap judgments.  We turn our back, walk away, and then wonder if we made the right choice.   We tell ourselves that it is not our job to question anyone else's choices concerning lifestyle.  So many of us are uninformed and confused about making judgment calls.  In my judgment there is clear cut boundaries for passing judgment. Only moral choices that cause harm to someone should be judged and intervened upon.  And then be prepared for the person you are judging to react negatively.  Which is why good judgment must be used.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lifestyle?s=t
         Many years ago I was with my sons hanging out somewhere, not going to share where.  One of the persons who we were hanging out with regularly was having difficulty's dealing with their child.  This person was a single parent and was harshly disciplining, using force, in front of the Social Worker...sigh.  Well I could have ignored it, I was told by a few people to do so.  I could have gone to the opposite extreme and just reported the parent in question.  For me, personally, both of these choices were poor judgment.  So one day, when the opportunity presented itself, I just gently spoke to this young, single, struggling, frustrated, unsupported, parent about how to manage the child better, and to appropriately discipline.  This person took some of my advice to heart, and the situation improved.  Was it 100% better?  No of course not.  But the point is it got better and that's all that matters.
          Over mine and hubby's life we have had many friends who have chosen to abuse some kind of substance, legal, and not so much.  Now I'm not talking about the friend who smokes a little weed, or has a glass of wine every night after work.  Or even the friend who is taking pain meds while still making every attempt to find other ways to deal with the pain.  I am talking about crack smoking, illegal pill popping, shooting up scenarios.   There has even been a friend with very severe over eating and obesity issues.
          We have never sat back and said, or done, nothing.  We know that making the choice to do nothing could be harmful.  We also know that saying/doing something could be harmful.  In the handful of people who we have politely, respectfully said something, it has been along the lines of, "We are concerned about your well being. We love you, we care about you, we want you in our lives for a long time. Please stop."  I cannot remember a time where we did not temporally loose a friendship.  Temporally being the operative word here.   A couple of people came and said thank you, you were some of the only people who spoke up and said you cared, it made a difference.  Only one is currently lost to us still.  This person has "friends" (and I use that word loosely) around that know there is a problem but continue to enable it by making excuses for her, ignoring the behavior, and even helping her out of bad situations that she has made due to her addiction; her spouse is among this group of people.  They feel that they shouldn't judge; in this circumstance it is doing harm, not only to our friend, but her children.
          I can honestly share that every single time we have spoke up it is hard.  Every single time it is painful.  Every single time we temporarily morn the loss of a friend and hope that they will return.  But every single time hubby and I have done this we do it with sound judgment.  In the end we know that we have done the right thing for the person in question.  We have never suggested that they would be better if they had religion, if they kept their house cleaner, if they ate better, exercised, etc.  It is just, "We love you, we care for you, and we are concerned for you." Which brings me to another aspect about passing judgments.
          Passing judgment on someone, or something, should never be selfish.  It is ultimately done for someone else's best interest.  This is why it is so hard to pass judgment on some one else's spirituality choices.  I know many people, sons included, who choose not to include religion into their life.  This does not make anyone any less of a person.  Even if some one seems lost, misdirected, and with out life goals it does not mean that the solution to their problems should be religion.  Many highly intelligent people find the idea of religion providing the opposite of what they need in life.  Perhaps the moral judgment here is to just be a good friend; support their decision, and just listen.
          Someone who is able to judge correctly is prepared for the consequences whether they are positive or not.  They will tell the truth as they see it with respect, kindness, politeness, and compassion, and then back away from it.  They will give time for the truth to settle in and process.  They first and for most understand that telling the truth does not mean it is some one else's truth.  Which is why when the truth is spoken it is based primarily on compassion and love for humanity in general.  Kindness to all always; do no harm.
          Being judgmental is not narrow minded it is in fact open minded to differences.  It is confident, self assured, and loving.  It is not fueled by discrimination, and/or prejudices.  But by the understanding that we are all different but all share some commonality's.  Good will and peace to all living things.  Its that simple.
          I believe that it is our job as living things that share space with each other to look out for each others well being.  Because when someone who is close to us, or even just an acquaintance, is struggling ultimately we all struggle.  We struggle with our feelings and thoughts on the difficult challenges anyone any where in the world deals with.  We feel for the women of other country's who have to endure horrifying abuse in the name of religion.  We are horrified when children in other country's starve to death simply because there is not enough food.  Or die because they don't have medication needed to survive due to the fact that pharmaceutical company's need them to be paid for instead of giving them away.  We are stunned watching our schools get shot up, or watching people we don't know on the other side of the world endure bombing's in their own neighborhoods.   We are confused when any atrocity takes place in the name of god and/ or religion.  We are saddened when war seems to be the only solution and life is the price that is paid for this solution. 
          The bottom line is this.  We feel intense emotion's over these clear cut moral dilemma's and this is the indicator to making logical, rational, intelligent, compassionate judgments!  Even anger can be considered appropriate if expressed appropriately.  I don't think that apathy towards clear cut moral dilemma's trickles down from our leaders.  I think it struggles to make it up stream, that is why all of these questions seem so difficult.  If all of us paid more attention to the day to day judgments we should be placing then perhaps some of these larger moral, world wide, dilemma's would go away.  Perhaps hunger wouldn't be as wide spread as it is.  May be medication's would be made more available where they would do the most good instead of being so much more available to persons who abuse them.  May be Americans wouldn't be viewed as puritanical hypocrites' forcing democracy all over the world.  And there it is passing judgment on someone indicates that there is some kind of moral superiority over someone else.  And really...who are we to judge under those circumstances.  There is a difference on how we choose to present our judgment calls.   There is a big difference between saying you need Democracy because it includes "one nation under God" and saying "one Nation under God means the freedom to practice your faith free from fear; we once were people who also were pushed out of a country due to spiritual choices, etc. we understand, and respect, diversity, welcome home."
          There is also a big difference between going around and pronouncing, lecturing, at the top of your lungs, as often as possible, to anyone who will, or even will not listen, what you think the world needs to be better.  pffft....Well of course if everyone was just like you there would be no problems at all.  Who would there be to think differently?  What fun that would be....sarcasm.  YES I was being judgmental there...
          The other day a loved one told me that I am a hypocrite.  That I preach all this stuff on not passing judgment, on being compassionate, kind, honest etc. and don't do it myself.  I said that he was absolutely right.  I am like everyone else on the face of the earth.  Perfectly imperfect and I have no illusions of being anything else.  BUT I also shared that I am continuously learning, trying, and sticking to my personal standards, more often than not judging myself first.  (Which is really what my blogging is all about in the end.) I do not go out on the streets in white robes trying to convert everyone I see to Buddhism, because I know not everyone wants to be Buddhist.  I do share, when asked, and some times when not asked, solutions to a problem as Buddhism teaches, but I try to do it in such a way that it is not what Buddhism teaches, but what man kind teaches from what ever faith perspective.   I continue to speak on honesty, kindness and compassion because it is something that I personally struggle with on a daily basis.  That is exactly what is suppose to happen!  I learn but speaking openly, honestly, respectfully, about what I judge on a daily basis.  I am not selfish, or vain enough to assume that I am the only one in the world who thinks like I do.  I put the stuff out into the universe hoping that anyone who reads it simply shares what I think and feel.  I know I'm no alone then. 
          It is not suppose to be easy to speak to anyone, whether it is a loved one or an acquaintance, on their possible abuse to themselves or someone else.  Dealing with anyone's suffering in life will cause more suffering, but not as much suffering if we made the decision to ignore it and walk away.  So maybe I am a little selfish in the fact that I don't like to suffer, or be the cause of suffering, so I look for ways to alleviate it if I can.
          I have a couple of friends who daily make decision to put others needs in front of their own.  They often ask why.  They wonder, like most of us, if they will leave this earth ever knowing if anything they did has made a difference.  I would like to say yes to them, but honestly, I can't.  The only way we can put this question to rest is to deal with passing judgments honestly and compassionately.  To except that we all posses hypocrisy, but to not let the fear of some one telling us that we are being hypocritical keep us from helping anyone else.  Being human means being imperfect, it means excepting and dealing with change. 
          Hubby and I have dear friends that we have known for well over a decade.  They are truly honest, well intentioned people; and I don't mean in the religious way.  They are just some of those rare good people who just help who ever they can.  They have never had a lot them selves.  They struggle to make ends meet, go with out, but can always find a way to give to others.  Recently their hearts have been broken by their child who has accused them of being hypocritical.  sigh...  These good people are suddenly questioning a lot of their past.  Did they do something wrong?  Could they have done something differently?  The mom, my friend was in tears; 26 years of her life's work, her heart and soul put into the raising of this child, shattered in one night. What's that saying about hindsight?  Their child was holding them emotional hostage just by basically shunning their advice, (which by the way was good, loving advice) following it with some really bad behavior, and an accusation of hypocrisy.
           Hypocrisy is the price we pay for the mistakes we have made in the past.  You cannot make changes in your life and not expect someone (usually your own children)  to look at you and say you are being a hypocrite.  You did it, so why can't I?  But here's the deal about that.  We, as parents, get to make this judgment call now on something you are doing because we were there once ourselves.  "I once was and addict, I once used abusive behavior, etc etc.  I no longer do, I have learned from my mistakes, I have changed." 
          We will all be a hypocrite at some point in our lives.  And to those children who seem to think that they gain power by yelling at their parents and choose to attempt to bully their parents in believing that they have no right to speak to them about harmful life choices they are making I say this.  Make your own mistakes, because when you tell us that we are being hypocrites when we point out to you that we are concerned for your well being you are not understanding something.  YOU are the hypocrite. 
          We learned and moved on from our mistakes.  You are choosing to take our experience and not only repeat it, but disrespect our learning experience which was meant to not only make us better people, but to help you be a better person too.  If you are repeating one of our mistakes then you must think an awful lot of us, and our life, and there for you are not in a position to treat us with such disrespect.  Under these circumstances we have earned the right to pass judgment.  Now it is reasonable for you to point out that your same experience may turn out differently, this is appropriate, UNLESS, it has to do with something like abusive behavior, neglect, drugs, etc.   In which case you will be judged.  So if your parent is judging you perhaps it is for a very good reason.  Just sayin.....
          To my fellow parents I share this.  Pass judgment with love, compassion, honesty and respect.  My husband and I have wondered if many of the fuck ups we made, as very young, inexperienced, parents left lasting impressions that our sons weren't even aware of.  Some of the language, and behavior, our sons use are very much like ours...humbling really.  With this realization we had three choices, one-ignore the language/behavior and hope they would learn on their own, like we did.  Two- come down heavy on them screaming and yelling and lecturing.  OR the third option, remembering how hard it was for hubby and I to figure it all out on out own with no adult guidance, discussing options, researching information, coming to a conclusion that works for our family and then honestly, briefly, explaining options/tools for success.  When confronted with a rebellious young adult who is screaming "HYPOCRIT" we calmly replied using our whisper voice, "Make your own fricken mistakes if you don't want us sharing what we learned."  We looked them confidently straight in the eyes with a calm face. Then we sat back and watched them while that statement sunk in.  ;)
          Here's the Pith of the Matter.  Once again I maintain that we are all perfectly imperfect.  We all do the best with what we know and have at any given moment of our lives.  And I choose to believe that the majority of us want to work from a place of love, kindness and compassion.  With that judgment being made I choose to point this out.  Choosing to be neutral, to do nothing, because you may be perceived as judgmental, or as a hypocrite, is actually siding with the dark side.  We judge to be the light.  To teach, to support, to show love, concern, and respect.  To protect.  It is choosing to do our best with what we know and are given at that particular moment. Namaste  Peace out
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Passing-Judgement
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/pass-judgement
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/am-i-right/201207/five-steps-better-ethical-decision-making
http://www.buddhanet.net/fundbud6.htm
http://www.patheos.com/Library/Buddhism/Ethics-Morality-Community/Principles-of-Moral-Thought-and-Action.html

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
― Margaret Mead

tags: children, education, judgement, mentoring, reasoning

“How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly.”
― Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters

tags: evil, judgement, right

“No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it. It's very easy to judge someone else's actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes. But we only know what we THINK we would do, not what we WOULD do.”
― Ashly Lorenzana

tags: compassion, experience, judgement, people

I Love: To my husband on our 30th anniversary

I love that when I put my head on your chest it makes me feel strong and calm.
I love that you still know how to make me laugh a really good belly laugh.
I love that you know how to make me cry.
I love that you know how to make me stop crying.
I love that you will grab my hand when we are out in public with out thinking.
I love how when you know when to rock me while holding me.
I love how you think I'm sexy when I'm cooking
I love that you think I'm sexy when I think I look my worst.
I love how you still cant keep your hands off of me
I love how your eyes light up when I'm talking about something that you never thought of. (and didn't really care about until I started talking about it.)
I love how you look at me when I'm painting.
I love how you don't have to think twice about telling some one to fuck off because you don't like the way they treat me or our family.
I love how you let me paint our house with color.
I love that you let me keep pets...lots and lots of pets...
I love that you like me to keep my hair long
I love that it really doesn't matter to you if I'm not a size 9 anymore
I love that you take care of my car for me because you know I like speed as much as you do.
I love that we don't agree on politics.
I love that you respect my spirituality even though its not the same as yours.
I love how you have given me everything I've ever needed even when it was something I didn't know I wanted.
I love that you will watch endless musicals and John Wayne movies over an over again.
I love that you keep a pool for me because I love water but not bath tubs.
I love that you know where all my laugh lines come from.
I love that I know where all of yours have come from.
I love that you keep a beard for me even though it makes your face itch.
I love your mustache rides.
I love that we keep different sleep schedules but can still coexist.
I love that you will antique shop with me
I love that you will go to book stores with me and head straight to the magazine section
I love that you appreciate my wide musical taste even if you don't appreciate all my music
I love that you hold me mostly responsible for how great our sons turned out as adults.
I love that we have a huge garden and that you will help me maintain it even though gardening isn't your thing.
I love that I would never have learned to ride a motorcycle if it wernt for you.
I love that we have grown up together.
I love that we have been young and young at heart together.
I love that I have seen so much of the world thanks to you.
I love that I am a braver more confident person thanks to you.
I love that life, everything, and everyone, in it is better because of your love.
Happy anniversary love of my life.
I love you.

"Being loved be someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu