“You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.”
― Andrew Hussie
I don't watch a lot of TV. I'm not one of those sit down every night and watch the same bundle of programs the same night at the same time kind of people. I like movies, but I'm picky about the genre. We have Netflix so I power watch series sometimes. What I most often do how ever is fall asleep in front of the TV. It takes a pretty good show to hold my interest these days. One of those shows lately is the series Parenthood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vCDj0tsEp0
I like how the story's play out about the parenting challenges and joys. I like the characters in it.
The other night I'm watching; one couple is having difficulties with their teen age daughter concerning the boy she likes and wants to date. She disobeys when the parents tell her that she cant date him anymore; gets caught, an argument ensues, and they, the parents. scream, "YOUR GROUNDED." Well this doesn't work, you'll have to watch the series to see what happens. ;) This got me to thinking about the misuse of grounding.
When I was working I never recommended parents to ground their child(ren). Grounding doesn't work. IN order for it to work parents have to make sure that they are monitoring the child. Something that they should have been doing before the grounding. So grounding technically grounds the whole family. I don't know about you but my time is precious and I would much rather spend good time with my kids then time being grounded with them.
There are other things to consider for grounding to work. A parent has to take all toys, and electronic devices out of the grounded persons, in question, room. I mean what is the sense of grounding someone if they are happy to be in their room playing? Kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me. What is suppose to be a good form of discipline used to make a child think about what they have done, or are doing, turns into a great big giant pain in the ass.
Something else to consider. Most teens will rebel against grounding. Sneaking out of the house. Sneaking onto computers, using the phones, using some one else's phone. Screaming, yelling, slamming doors, rolling eyes, taking those HUGE exasperated sigh's which tell you that they think you are stupid. Basically doing the opposite of what you want, and hope, the grounding to do. AND while teens will do this in more scenarios that I can list it seems that grounding will be one of those things where you can times the bad behavior by 10. Grounding in teens actually encourages bad behavior, not prevent it. So in the spirit of picking and choosing your battles lets think twice about grounding. Lets instead redefine it.
noun
1.
the solid surface of the earth; firm or dry land:
to fall to the ground.
2.
earth or soil:
stony ground.
3.
land having an indicated character:
rising ground.
4.
Often, grounds. a tract of land appropriated to a special use:
picnic grounds; a hunting ground.
5.
Often, grounds. the foundation or basis on which a belief or action rests; reason or cause:
grounds for dismissal.
6.
subject for discussion; topic:
Sex education is forbidden ground in some school curricula.
7.
In the definition of grounding there is nothing that remotely suggests that it is a punishment used to isolate children/teens and encourage parents to either not deal with an issue or to avoid an issue. It is in fact the complete opposite. What it is, and should be, is an opportunity for a child (and parent(s)) to calm down and think. In order for you to teach the benefits of grounding you must make a conscious choice from the time they are very young to set the boundaries, and teach the benefits of grounding. YESSSS I hear you...how? Well lets briefly take it step by step. ;)
rational or factual support for one's position or attitude, as in a debate or argument:
on firm ground; on shaky ground.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/8-tools-toddler-discipline
http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/07/distract-and-redirect.html
https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-114/350-114.html
First of all time outs/grounding doesn't work under the age of two. Before the age of two you divert and distract them from what every you don't want them to be...well...doing. You can even still do this at age two, but introduce the concept of time outs. Time outs at any age should never be used in anger, like spanking. It is a thoughtful discipline tool used to teach. What you are teaching in the early stages of childhood is self discipline. Self discipline must be taught it is not something we are born with. If you are screaming, and yelling, at your young child to, "PICK UP YOU TOYS NOW!" it is inappropriate to be upset when your child behaves exactly like you. Reacting with, "TIME OUT!" and harshly shoveing them into a corner will not teach what you want them to learn. Quite frankly you have failed to teach self control, or even how to pick up toys for that matter.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/10-time-out-techniques
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/disciplining-toddlers
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
If your child is not picking up toys AFTER you have taken the time to show things like, books go here, stuffed animals go here, etc. You have even helped them a couple times, then you can consider a time out. This is done with the child now sitting and do nothing while they watch you calmly clean up the room. If you choose to do the chore for them then they need to understand that they cannot do anything else until it is done OR you can trade with them. Mommy picked up your toys so now you have to feed the dog for mommy. The other example of appropriate use of time out is the child has thrown a fit because they don't want to pick up their toys. They sit in the chari until they have quieted down.
Standard rules for time outs with young children are one minute per age of child, and this should be adjusted according to the child's individual maturity. Time outs are used to either help a child detach, and calm down, from bad behavior, and/or to think about what they have done. Since a young child is still learning how to problem solve telling them to go and sit down and think about what they did is inappropriate.
Instead what you do is have a timer up to ten minutes, at age ten time out rules change; it is the beginning of puberty, puberty changes everything. Set timer, for instance, for your two year old for two minutes, where they can see it but it is out of reach. (Because if you have a son like my youngest he will quickly figure out how to change it when he thinks you are not looking.)
Put a time out chair, or rug square, or a hoola hoop they can sit in, or a stool ( what ever) in a place where you can see it, it DOES not have to face a corner. IN fact facing the corner is punitive and will teach nothing, kids hate it, and it usually makes behavior worse. Let them see where you are. I actually suggest you sit in the same room with them role modeling behavior until around four years of age (four minutes). If you cant sit still with them they should see you, and you should still be role modeling good behavior. For instance doing the dishes quietly, with no conversation, no tv, no music, no computer, until the time out is done.
After two minutes (for a two year old) don't let them immediately jump up. Go to them, shut off timer, sit down, and tell them what you want them to do from now on. "I want you to go put those toys in the toy box now understand?" Then follow it up with, "tell me what I said." Just so you know that they heard you. Simplify the language if you don't think they understood. "Go pick up your toys now." DO not lecture a small child you will turn into Charlie Browns teacher. Blah blah blah blah...
Do the same thing every single time. If they understand that every time they don't pick up toys they have to sit in the time out chair, and do nothing, until they pick up toys they will eventually learn to pick up toys to avoid sitting in the chair. If they know that every time they throw a fit they have to sit on their rug square until they are calm they will start to minimize their "I want fits." If every time they hit another child they have to sit in the middle of the hoola hoop they will learn not to hit.
Using Time outs effectively also gives you red flags to other challenges. Children with Asperger's, ADHD, social anxieties, etc. will sometimes use bad behavior to avoid other people. If your child melts down every time he/she has to interact with someone then perhaps, not always, this is a red flag. If your child melts down every time its clean up time perhaps it is an indicator that they are over whelmed, or confused as to what they are suppose to do. In which case you learn better parenting. ;)
Some children are very bright and will learn that every time they melt down they get out of doing something they don't want to do. In these cases pick a day, or two, or three. Involve all family members living in the house. Then do the following, start off saying: "Pick up your toys now please." Child reacts with bad behavior. Pick up young child firmly, but gently, place them in chair set timer. Timer goes off, rinse and repeat until child knows you mean business. This is an art form of patience for parents. If you have a spouse tag team if possible. If not try to recruit another extended family member who understands what you are trying to achieve and will carry out your wishes exactly like you want them to.
Every time the child melts down all other family members leave the room. They are sending the quiet message that we don't want to be around you when you behave like this. It all must be done calmly and quietly. Over and over again until the child understands that this is what is going to happen every time you choose to use this behavior. This routine is called behavior management.
Now you don't want to use behavior management to squash feelings, thoughts, ideas. You are teaching that these angry out bursts that you are having are hurtful and accomplish nothing. Simply pick up your toys, contribute to our home and family, then we can go to the next fun part of the day.
Another important aspect of this is PRAISE. When they finally are successful and doing what you want them to do praise them ALOT! You don't need to bribe them just hug them, love them, say thank you, it was a big help that you did this! I'm so proud of you! By praising them you are teaching that the realistic reward for a job well done is how good it feels afterwards! Most kids want to please their care giver. Not caring about pleasing a care giver is sometimes a red flag.
As they get older and you add more minutes you adjust the communication with them. Instead of just telling them what you want them to do you start asking questions. Do you know why I told you to sit in the chair? Or, "Tell me why you had to take a time out." Most kids will say I don't know, its the go to answer. Don't get discouraged, calmly, lovingly look at them and say tell me what happened before you sat in the chair. Keep on attempting to lead them to a conclusion on their own. They will get frustrated, and angry, teach them how to take a deep breath and lovingly let them know that you are trying to teach them something important. You can ask did you throw a fit? What are the rules about throwing fits? What are the rules about picking up toys, etc? What are the rules about hitting? You get the idea. When you are sure they understand ask them to go finish picking up. You can praise them for problem solving and communicating well, but don't praise them for picking up unless they did out with out a fit.
So you have reached age ten; puberty begins. Primary skills for puberty are socialization, problem solving, critical thinking, and communication. ALL of these are role modeled by the adults in their lives. Taught by the adults in their lives. Parents should be taking a more active role in an adolescents life even more so then when they are little. You don't follow them around all the time because they need to start learning how to be independent. But you follow up, and follow though, on everything they say and do. Check if they were actually where they said they were going to be. Don't assume they did their homework ask to see it. Talk to teachers regularly. To coaches, to friends. Pop in at their hang outs sometimes just to say hi and hang out. Role modeling every where you go love, kindness, respect. DONT embarrass them in front of friends, classmates, etc., by using bad behavior that you wouldn't want you own kid to use around you.
Starting at ten you let your child know, and make a big deal out of it that the rules for time outs have changed. Time for them to move on to the next more mature phase of their life. Don't say, "You need to be acting more adult now. Use the word mature, not adult, they are not adults yet, you just want them to mature to the next phase. Now they will be asked to take calm down time. Calm down time is used for them to gather their feelings and think. Some boundaries and rules you can use are.
You may take calm down time in your room, but these are used for you to think, so when I call you back and you don't have an answer for me you will be told to go back and try again and again until you have an answer for me. If you are going to your room to play instead of think then we will decide on another place for your time out. (then ask your child for two or three options on a time out location, pick the one that is least attractive to them. If you don't like any of the choices pick one and explain why you have picked it.) You can only use your computer if you are researching information on why you need calm down time. You may not use your phone. You can listen to music but no tv. This is not a punishment, we are trying to teach you a valuable tool for problem solving.
Calm down times are used to take a break and calm down. Everyone has a right to feel angry, frustrated, etc. BUT it is not ok to subject what you feel on others all the time. If you feel that you cannot discuss things nicely with me, or dad, etc. then you can call a time out, go to your space, calm down, and think about it. There is a time limit to calm down times however, what do you feel is an appropriate amount of time that you feel you need to calm down and think? (You can give suggestions here and let them pick one.) ALSO if you feel dad or I (or someone else in the house) needs a calm down time you can say respectfully that "WE" should take a time out and come back to it when everyone is calm. (Perhaps taking the time to explain that by using "we" you avoid pointing fingers and prevent someone from feeling defensive.)
" Here is a note book for you to write down some of your thoughts and help you keep organized. I am not going to make you use it, it is a tool to help you be successful. No one will read it, it is for your own personal thoughts." Then if you find they never use the note book you have the opportunity to say,"I want you to go and try using the notebook." If they reply with something along the lines of I don't need it, you can reply with, try it and then prove me wrong. Kids like to prove their parents wrong. ;) More often then not if you tell them to try one of your suggestions just to show you you were wrong they will find out that you were right and be thankful in the end.
End with something to the extent of: "We are extending this privilege of calm down time to you because we feel that you are now mature enough to deal with these. But privilege's come with responsibility's, in this case you are responsible for your behavior, acting respectfully, thoughtfully etc. When, and if, you seem to be having difficulties in carrying out these steps we will step in and revisit this privilege and reset the rules to make you more successful. Any questions?"
In order for this scenario to work you MUST allow your adolescent to call you on bad behavior and use the same rules with you. If he/she says you need a time out then respect those words and follow through on the behavior you want them to be using! Adolescents are very focused on the idea of fairness. So in order for you to enforce these time out rules you must be fair and have them apply to you also. Teaches accountability. ;)
Pith of the Matter. If you scroll back up to the definition of grounded you will notice certain words; environment, firm ground, facts, subject of discussion. In order for your child to learn proper grounding you must teach, and supply them with words, environment, facts, firm ground, and a subject of discussion. It is your job to teach this. Do your best, apologize for mistakes, allow for mistakes from your child, and yourself, teach with love and respect. Allow your child to speak their mind (just because they say something doesn't mean you have to agree, but everyone has the right to be heard, and if you want them to listen to you then you must role model good listening skills.)
What you will put out into the world is a young adult who, when discussing things with you, an employer, a professor, peers, etc., is able to share what they think with respect and confidence. Some one who understands that they have a right to what they feel, but, just because they feel it, and/ or think it, doesn't mean that everyone will agree with them or that they are going to get their way every time. A person who doesn't feel the need to scream, yell, be oppositional, and/or make a scene to be heard, or get their way. Your child won't feel that the world is against them and all adults suck so there fore they don't have to listen, learn, or even try to take charge of their own life. Some one who is not afraid of the word no. A person who understands that a mistake is not a failure. Someone who is comfortable with their choices. When they are able to do this successfully you can look at them with love, and pride, and praise them confidently with the words,"Now you are grounded Im proud of you."
Peace out Namaste
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