I come from a family who is pretty judgmental. Growing up I saw nothing wrong with scrutinizing how others chose to live. The way people dressed, the way they kept their house, the wrong religion, lack of schooling, parenting, etc. etc. I also tried to live a perfect life based on how I judged others. Trying to keep a perfect house, raise perfect kids, and have the perfect marriage. Trying to avoid judgment from others. No surprise, this never happened. What did happen was I became angry. Angry at myself and then, inevitably, at my extended family once I learned that their expectations of me, and people in general, were, and still are, impossible. I rebelled. Not only did I stop interacting with many of my family member's, but I went on strike with my immediate family. Deciding that trying to get them to live to my standards was impossible and they could just keep the house any damn way they wanted. Living with a household of guys it wasn't pretty. After awhile I came to my senses, sorted it all out, and found that from one extreme to the other their was a reasonable solution. I would just do the best I could. Simple as that. When I started doing this it was suddenly easy to have the same reasonable expectations for those around me.
Now I often find myself being judgmental of people who are judgmental. This whole seemingly infinite circle got me to thinking, meditating, on the idea of being judgmental. We all do it. We judge ourselves, others, almost every thing that we look at daily, every minute of every day. Its hard to get away from it. It is, in my opinion, how we make decisions pertaining to right and wrong. Which leads me to believe that perhaps we are suppose to be judgmental. So how do we do this productively, compassionately, honestly? Lets do a little being judgmental 101 shall we?
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgmental?s=t
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/judgmental
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/judgments?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/moral?s=t
In a nut shell being judgmental implies that someone is speaking wisely on the benefits of using moral character. Now this is where it becomes confusing for many people. For instance I will use an obvious example here. A person who is very passionate about religion. The issue should not be whether someone is Christian or not, the issue should be whether or not some one has faith. I personally believe that lack of faith is the moral issue.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/faith?s=t
Faith does not focus on religion, or God, although it is defined here. Faith tells us to trust something that we can't see, or touch. Faith is believing that there is a better future. Faith asks us to trust in something beyond ourselves.
Trust is knowing that things will turn out ok in the end, what ever, and when ever, the end is. Faith could be God, it could also be Buddha, Allah, the universe, the earth, the stars, your own mind, science. Faith is what ever any ones belief is; faith teaches us to trust in ourselves, our choices, and the unknown. Both faith and trust are uncertain but require certainty.
Another area that we use judgment on an almost daily basis is appearance. We look at people and choose to instantly decide what kind of person they are based on how they dress, how clean they are, how bright their eyes are, if they are smiling or not, the color of their skin, what kind of car they drive, where they live, if their house is clean, are they married, have they ever been married, if so how many times, do they have children and how many, what is there extended family like, how many friends do they have, how many friends do they have on Facebook? The list here is endless.
As a Social Worker part of my job was to pass judgment. This isn't as hard as you think if you consider that they majority of people I came in contact with were in the system for a reason. So standard rules for judging how someone is doing and whether or not they needed intervention were, and still are the following. Cleanliness, of self, environment, and persons in the environment who are in the care of the person in question. This has to be evaluated over a period of time. Everyone has a bad day or two, geesh even a bad month or two. Life sometimes requires us to set priorities and in my personal opinion keeping your house spotlessly clean is not at the top of the list if, for instance (and this is only one example), you have a loved one in the hospital that requires your love and support. HOWEVER, if your house is falling apart because you can't get through a day with out popping a pain pill that you don't really need then there is a problem. The only way to know how, and why, a person appears the way they do is to get to know them. So that saying about first impressions is, frankly, full of shit.
Another thing about appearances being deceiving. There have been many instances where a person, varying in ages, has been abducted and come to tragic end because they trusted how some one looked. They judged that a police badge was authentic, a clown was fun and safe, etc. How do we judge if what we are seeing is honest? We take our time getting to know some one. We teach that letting some one into the inner circle of our lives is earned through time. Judging someone based on the fact that they are clean, well dressed, etc. can also be dangerous. There are many very successful business people out there who are technically sociopath's and narcissists. We have trusted them with our money, the running of our country, many other very important aspects of life. Learning to judge some one based on appearances can cause persons to make uninformed decision's.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sociopath?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/narcism
Other things to consider when passing judgment. Would you approve of someone hurting themselves? or others? Would you sit back and say nothing while you watch a parent grab a child by the arm so harshly as to leave a bruise? Would you sit back and say nothing to a treasured friend who is involved in a harmful abusive relationship? Would you say nothing to your child about speeding tickets? Would you keep quiet while watching a loved one spiral out of control due to substance abuse? Would you ignore an adolescent who is cutting themselves?
Being moral does not define the specifics of what being moral is. Because technically it is an individual choice. But I think there are some pretty clear cut moral choices. Murder is wrong. Child abuse/neglect is wrong. Abuse/ neglect towards anyone is wrong. Harmful behavior towards yourself or someone else is wrong.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abuse?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/neglect?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/harm?s=t
Is choosing not to judge actually being neglectful in some circumstances?
Some people steal because they feel they have a right to. A person who has worked diligently and loyally at a job for the same employer for 15 years leaves because they have received no promotions, or pay raises, and takes a company stapler with them. Is this stealing? How do we judge this situation?
A wife leaves her husband with out notice not taking the kids with her. How do we judge this situation?
A child is screaming his head off in Wal-Mart's. How do we judge this?
A friend has suddenly stop communicating with you. Judge this?
Your child's school performance is dropping. Judge this.
Your spouse has suddenly started coming home from work late with no explanation for why. Interpret this.
Every day we are faced with scenarios where we have to judge something or someone. We get into trouble when we make snap judgments based on too little facts. We don't take the time to talk to people. To observe, listen, etc. Or instead we sit back and say its not my place to judge, or question something, or some body; even after we have taken the time to not make snap judgments. We turn our back, walk away, and then wonder if we made the right choice. We tell ourselves that it is not our job to question anyone else's choices concerning lifestyle. So many of us are uninformed and confused about making judgment calls. In my judgment there is clear cut boundaries for passing judgment. Only moral choices that cause harm to someone should be judged and intervened upon. And then be prepared for the person you are judging to react negatively. Which is why good judgment must be used.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lifestyle?s=t
Many years ago I was with my sons hanging out somewhere, not going to share where. One of the persons who we were hanging out with regularly was having difficulty's dealing with their child. This person was a single parent and was harshly disciplining, using force, in front of the Social Worker...sigh. Well I could have ignored it, I was told by a few people to do so. I could have gone to the opposite extreme and just reported the parent in question. For me, personally, both of these choices were poor judgment. So one day, when the opportunity presented itself, I just gently spoke to this young, single, struggling, frustrated, unsupported, parent about how to manage the child better, and to appropriately discipline. This person took some of my advice to heart, and the situation improved. Was it 100% better? No of course not. But the point is it got better and that's all that matters.
Over mine and hubby's life we have had many friends who have chosen to abuse some kind of substance, legal, and not so much. Now I'm not talking about the friend who smokes a little weed, or has a glass of wine every night after work. Or even the friend who is taking pain meds while still making every attempt to find other ways to deal with the pain. I am talking about crack smoking, illegal pill popping, shooting up scenarios. There has even been a friend with very severe over eating and obesity issues.
We have never sat back and said, or done, nothing. We know that making the choice to do nothing could be harmful. We also know that saying/doing something could be harmful. In the handful of people who we have politely, respectfully said something, it has been along the lines of, "We are concerned about your well being. We love you, we care about you, we want you in our lives for a long time. Please stop." I cannot remember a time where we did not temporally loose a friendship. Temporally being the operative word here. A couple of people came and said thank you, you were some of the only people who spoke up and said you cared, it made a difference. Only one is currently lost to us still. This person has "friends" (and I use that word loosely) around that know there is a problem but continue to enable it by making excuses for her, ignoring the behavior, and even helping her out of bad situations that she has made due to her addiction; her spouse is among this group of people. They feel that they shouldn't judge; in this circumstance it is doing harm, not only to our friend, but her children.
I can honestly share that every single time we have spoke up it is hard. Every single time it is painful. Every single time we temporarily morn the loss of a friend and hope that they will return. But every single time hubby and I have done this we do it with sound judgment. In the end we know that we have done the right thing for the person in question. We have never suggested that they would be better if they had religion, if they kept their house cleaner, if they ate better, exercised, etc. It is just, "We love you, we care for you, and we are concerned for you." Which brings me to another aspect about passing judgments.
Passing judgment on someone, or something, should never be selfish. It is ultimately done for someone else's best interest. This is why it is so hard to pass judgment on some one else's spirituality choices. I know many people, sons included, who choose not to include religion into their life. This does not make anyone any less of a person. Even if some one seems lost, misdirected, and with out life goals it does not mean that the solution to their problems should be religion. Many highly intelligent people find the idea of religion providing the opposite of what they need in life. Perhaps the moral judgment here is to just be a good friend; support their decision, and just listen.
Someone who is able to judge correctly is prepared for the consequences whether they are positive or not. They will tell the truth as they see it with respect, kindness, politeness, and compassion, and then back away from it. They will give time for the truth to settle in and process. They first and for most understand that telling the truth does not mean it is some one else's truth. Which is why when the truth is spoken it is based primarily on compassion and love for humanity in general. Kindness to all always; do no harm.
Being judgmental is not narrow minded it is in fact open minded to differences. It is confident, self assured, and loving. It is not fueled by discrimination, and/or prejudices. But by the understanding that we are all different but all share some commonality's. Good will and peace to all living things. Its that simple.
I believe that it is our job as living things that share space with each other to look out for each others well being. Because when someone who is close to us, or even just an acquaintance, is struggling ultimately we all struggle. We struggle with our feelings and thoughts on the difficult challenges anyone any where in the world deals with. We feel for the women of other country's who have to endure horrifying abuse in the name of religion. We are horrified when children in other country's starve to death simply because there is not enough food. Or die because they don't have medication needed to survive due to the fact that pharmaceutical company's need them to be paid for instead of giving them away. We are stunned watching our schools get shot up, or watching people we don't know on the other side of the world endure bombing's in their own neighborhoods. We are confused when any atrocity takes place in the name of god and/ or religion. We are saddened when war seems to be the only solution and life is the price that is paid for this solution.
The bottom line is this. We feel intense emotion's over these clear cut moral dilemma's and this is the indicator to making logical, rational, intelligent, compassionate judgments! Even anger can be considered appropriate if expressed appropriately. I don't think that apathy towards clear cut moral dilemma's trickles down from our leaders. I think it struggles to make it up stream, that is why all of these questions seem so difficult. If all of us paid more attention to the day to day judgments we should be placing then perhaps some of these larger moral, world wide, dilemma's would go away. Perhaps hunger wouldn't be as wide spread as it is. May be medication's would be made more available where they would do the most good instead of being so much more available to persons who abuse them. May be Americans wouldn't be viewed as puritanical hypocrites' forcing democracy all over the world. And there it is passing judgment on someone indicates that there is some kind of moral superiority over someone else. And really...who are we to judge under those circumstances. There is a difference on how we choose to present our judgment calls. There is a big difference between saying you need Democracy because it includes "one nation under God" and saying "one Nation under God means the freedom to practice your faith free from fear; we once were people who also were pushed out of a country due to spiritual choices, etc. we understand, and respect, diversity, welcome home."
There is also a big difference between going around and pronouncing, lecturing, at the top of your lungs, as often as possible, to anyone who will, or even will not listen, what you think the world needs to be better. pffft....Well of course if everyone was just like you there would be no problems at all. Who would there be to think differently? What fun that would be....sarcasm. YES I was being judgmental there...
The other day a loved one told me that I am a hypocrite. That I preach all this stuff on not passing judgment, on being compassionate, kind, honest etc. and don't do it myself. I said that he was absolutely right. I am like everyone else on the face of the earth. Perfectly imperfect and I have no illusions of being anything else. BUT I also shared that I am continuously learning, trying, and sticking to my personal standards, more often than not judging myself first. (Which is really what my blogging is all about in the end.) I do not go out on the streets in white robes trying to convert everyone I see to Buddhism, because I know not everyone wants to be Buddhist. I do share, when asked, and some times when not asked, solutions to a problem as Buddhism teaches, but I try to do it in such a way that it is not what Buddhism teaches, but what man kind teaches from what ever faith perspective. I continue to speak on honesty, kindness and compassion because it is something that I personally struggle with on a daily basis. That is exactly what is suppose to happen! I learn but speaking openly, honestly, respectfully, about what I judge on a daily basis. I am not selfish, or vain enough to assume that I am the only one in the world who thinks like I do. I put the stuff out into the universe hoping that anyone who reads it simply shares what I think and feel. I know I'm no alone then.
It is not suppose to be easy to speak to anyone, whether it is a loved one or an acquaintance, on their possible abuse to themselves or someone else. Dealing with anyone's suffering in life will cause more suffering, but not as much suffering if we made the decision to ignore it and walk away. So maybe I am a little selfish in the fact that I don't like to suffer, or be the cause of suffering, so I look for ways to alleviate it if I can.
I have a couple of friends who daily make decision to put others needs in front of their own. They often ask why. They wonder, like most of us, if they will leave this earth ever knowing if anything they did has made a difference. I would like to say yes to them, but honestly, I can't. The only way we can put this question to rest is to deal with passing judgments honestly and compassionately. To except that we all posses hypocrisy, but to not let the fear of some one telling us that we are being hypocritical keep us from helping anyone else. Being human means being imperfect, it means excepting and dealing with change.
Hubby and I have dear friends that we have known for well over a decade. They are truly honest, well intentioned people; and I don't mean in the religious way. They are just some of those rare good people who just help who ever they can. They have never had a lot them selves. They struggle to make ends meet, go with out, but can always find a way to give to others. Recently their hearts have been broken by their child who has accused them of being hypocritical. sigh... These good people are suddenly questioning a lot of their past. Did they do something wrong? Could they have done something differently? The mom, my friend was in tears; 26 years of her life's work, her heart and soul put into the raising of this child, shattered in one night. What's that saying about hindsight? Their child was holding them emotional hostage just by basically shunning their advice, (which by the way was good, loving advice) following it with some really bad behavior, and an accusation of hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy is the price we pay for the mistakes we have made in the past. You cannot make changes in your life and not expect someone (usually your own children) to look at you and say you are being a hypocrite. You did it, so why can't I? But here's the deal about that. We, as parents, get to make this judgment call now on something you are doing because we were there once ourselves. "I once was and addict, I once used abusive behavior, etc etc. I no longer do, I have learned from my mistakes, I have changed."
We will all be a hypocrite at some point in our lives. And to those children who seem to think that they gain power by yelling at their parents and choose to attempt to bully their parents in believing that they have no right to speak to them about harmful life choices they are making I say this. Make your own mistakes, because when you tell us that we are being hypocrites when we point out to you that we are concerned for your well being you are not understanding something. YOU are the hypocrite.
We learned and moved on from our mistakes. You are choosing to take our experience and not only repeat it, but disrespect our learning experience which was meant to not only make us better people, but to help you be a better person too. If you are repeating one of our mistakes then you must think an awful lot of us, and our life, and there for you are not in a position to treat us with such disrespect. Under these circumstances we have earned the right to pass judgment. Now it is reasonable for you to point out that your same experience may turn out differently, this is appropriate, UNLESS, it has to do with something like abusive behavior, neglect, drugs, etc. In which case you will be judged. So if your parent is judging you perhaps it is for a very good reason. Just sayin.....
To my fellow parents I share this. Pass judgment with love, compassion, honesty and respect. My husband and I have wondered if many of the fuck ups we made, as very young, inexperienced, parents left lasting impressions that our sons weren't even aware of. Some of the language, and behavior, our sons use are very much like ours...humbling really. With this realization we had three choices, one-ignore the language/behavior and hope they would learn on their own, like we did. Two- come down heavy on them screaming and yelling and lecturing. OR the third option, remembering how hard it was for hubby and I to figure it all out on out own with no adult guidance, discussing options, researching information, coming to a conclusion that works for our family and then honestly, briefly, explaining options/tools for success. When confronted with a rebellious young adult who is screaming "HYPOCRIT" we calmly replied using our whisper voice, "Make your own fricken mistakes if you don't want us sharing what we learned." We looked them confidently straight in the eyes with a calm face. Then we sat back and watched them while that statement sunk in. ;)
Here's the Pith of the Matter. Once again I maintain that we are all perfectly imperfect. We all do the best with what we know and have at any given moment of our lives. And I choose to believe that the majority of us want to work from a place of love, kindness and compassion. With that judgment being made I choose to point this out. Choosing to be neutral, to do nothing, because you may be perceived as judgmental, or as a hypocrite, is actually siding with the dark side. We judge to be the light. To teach, to support, to show love, concern, and respect. To protect. It is choosing to do our best with what we know and are given at that particular moment. Namaste Peace out
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Passing-Judgement
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/pass-judgement
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/am-i-right/201207/five-steps-better-ethical-decision-making
http://www.buddhanet.net/fundbud6.htm
http://www.patheos.com/Library/Buddhism/Ethics-Morality-Community/Principles-of-Moral-Thought-and-Action.html
“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
― Margaret Mead
― Margaret Mead
“How easy it is to judge rightly after one sees what evil comes from judging wrongly.”
― Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters
― Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters
“No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it. It's very easy to judge someone else's actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes. But we only know what we THINK we would do, not what we WOULD do.”
― Ashly Lorenzana
― Ashly Lorenzana
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