Midlife Crises Red

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

tags: change, life

 “Middle age is not the beginning of decline, but a time to reach for the highest in our selves. Middle age is a pause to re-examine what we have done and what we will do in the future. This is the time to give birth to our power.”
― Frank Natale, The Wisdom of Midlife: Reclaim Your Passion, Power and Purpose

tags: inspirational-quotes-philosophy, midlife-crisis, relationships-advice

  

  
          I own a bright red 2006 GT Mustang and it is awesome!  It has red leather seats, and a great stereo system that must be heard to be appreciated.  I was in my early forty's when I got it.  I have loved Mustangs my whole life and it was a dream of mine to own one; when I was able to see this dream materialize it gave me joy.  I had worked hard all my life.  It was a reward for all that work. 
         The first week I got it my neighbor, who was at the time in her fifty's, called it midlife crises red.  sigh...  seriously why do we need to define so much in life with negativity?  Why cant we just share in each others joy?  I mean for crying out loud does the elderly white guy in a four wheel drive truck, and a yippy little dog on his lap that his wife probably made him take for a ride there fore making him irritable enough to test his manhood, need to pull up next to me and tell me to turn down my music? 
        Then looking shocked when he realizes that I'm his age his condemnation of my music turns into condemnation that I need to grow up?  I, of course only share here and not to his face, that I think he and his yippy excuse for a dog should keep his white trash southern opinions to himself.  (And turn up that lame excuse of music he has playing ever so quietly on his radio there fore not being able, in my opinion, to fully appreciate the bass.) Because after all I'm Buddhist and aren't we Buddhists suppose to be this never ending font of love, understanding and compassion?  (I feel super compassionate for a guy who is so evidently missing his manhood...pffft.  I mean really not one tattoo.) And can I just add that this scenario always happens at least once a year between November and May and the guy driving has New York license plates NOT even making him a resident.  Residents don't seem to mind the way I choose to live my life. Now that I got that out of my system I will divert to the topic which is slightly connected to my red Mustang drama; the topic here is reconnecting.   
          In the last couple of years I, like many men and women my age, have found myself in a place that was uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable because I was feeling lost.  I was in a place where I was at a loss as to what to do with myself.  I had spent the majority of my life taking care of other people, from my family, to friends, even in my career in child development and social work. 
          For many years I drew strength from the fact that I was gifted in dealing with people.  Not vanity, I was told many times by co-workers, clients, employers, professionals, that I had the knack for seeing in people what many do not, or choose not to see.  I received awards, and taught people how to be more successful at life in general, how ever they choose to define their life and their success. I had defined my success, connected myself, to that idea; I knew why I was in the universe.  I felt confident that I had spread a decent amount of Karma and made a difference.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/12/midlife-crisis_n_4419481.html
            I found that I needed to reach out to a part of my life that I thought I had left behind.  Perhaps this is a midlife crises of sorts?  I don't know.  I've never liked that statement "mid life crises."   I think it is used more often than not by jealous people who choose, in my opinion, to stop living.  For the record I've owned my red convertible GT Mustang since 2006 when my sons were all still living at home and old enough to ask to borrow it.  I've always kept my hair pretty long, I've always dressed in a style that I find comfortable.  My favorite color has always been red and I have attempted to integrate it into my life where ever I can; including, but not limited to my front hallway.  I've always listened to music louder then I should, liked computer games, listened to current music and basically behaved in a way that, if someone suddenly started behaving, would be considered to be having a mid life crises.  Some people who don't know me would perhaps misinterpret my life and suggest that I was immature, yes it has been said.  I consider many of my choices as staying true to myself while still meeting my responsibility's. So, refusing to believe it was a midlife crisis, I found myself at a loss...what was it I was feeling?
          Perhaps I should try reconnecting with some long lost friends?  People who I let go due to moving, parenthood, different lifestyles, etc.  This decision proved to be interesting for me.  I now have about a dozen people on my Facebook that date as far back as high school.  We have never had long lengthy conversations about what we have done with our lives, etc. we have just started keeping track of the lives we have now and appreciating that.  It occurred to me that this is exactly the true meaning of "picking up a friendship where it left off."  I am grateful to have those healthy relationships in my life once more.
          There has been a couple of friend requests that I put out that I never got reply's to.  Which to tell you the truth I was surprised by, and if truth be told, a little hurt.  I have memory's with these people that are full of smiles.  Are the memory's perfect? No.  Which I assume is why they are still not on my friends list.  I meditated on this a bit.
          I believe and support change.  Change in all its forms.  I also believe people are capable of change; when I reach out to an old friend I anticipate that they have probably changed.  I mean I have, so it is reasonable to expect that others have too.  I discussed this with my ever wise, loving hubby and he brought up something that I too often forget. 
          People change at their own pace, and just because we have changed doesn't mean that others have.  He said the people who are still living in the same places, doing the same basic things probably have not changed as much as I think, or hope, they have.  AND people who have not changed, grown, etc. will probably not reach out to us/me; either because they are ashamed, embarrassed, or think we are the same silly 20 something's using the same bad behavior we did then.  By not reconnecting it is easy to believe that people have not changed.  That things will be the same as we remember them.  I meditated on this a bit more.
          I have always believed the best in people, even when they, or even I, are not at it.  I cant help it and I'm not sure I want to.  It has set me up more times than I can count for hurt.  It has sometimes set me up for failure.  But it is who I am and I draw strength from it.  If I allow others to take that trait from me then I am not being true to myself.  If I stop doing anything because I am afraid of being judged, or people may gossip about me, my family, my marriage, lifestyle etc. then I am the only one who looses. 
          Allowing people to believe that they have gotten the best of me, have stolen my power so to speak, has taught me a couple of things.  I can still go about my life.  AND BAM there it is The Pith of the Matter.
          If my life ends because I'm not a parent, a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, a co-worker, a teacher, what ever, then what is my life worth?  What did I spend all my time doing up till this point?  Was it a waste of time?  Of course not!  If we are ever changing, ever evolving, learning animals capable of more than any other animal on the face of the earth then who am I short changing by not doing what I think I'm capable of?  It occurred to me that midlife crises is not a crises, it is a process.   A process that we all experience many times in our lifetimes. 
          If I give up because anything's too hard, or there are more obstacle's in the way then I anticipated, then what does this say about me?  In the end isn't my own opinion about myself more valuable then anyone else's?  I meditated on this a lot. Meditating led me to a very compassionate place.
          Lately I seem to find myself in a place where I am surrounded by people who have a different out look on life from mine.  While I usually don't agree with black and white scenarios, noticing this made the opposite glaringly obvious.  It has made the presence of people who think, and feel, like I do stand out more.  I don't see too much of a few of these people, but it is nice to know that they are out their.  I draw strength from this thought.  It also helped me understand that some of the people from my past fall under the category of not good for me; making it ok that they didn't accept a friend request after all.
          I wonder what possesses us to try to reach out to people who we kind of know are much different in thought, lifestyle etc. than us.  Do opposites really attract?  Hubby and I have some pretty glaring differences but when I think about it our core values are the same.  I think part of the answer is we, as humans, like to know that the world is different.  I know I do.  Helps me evaluate my life.  Either I appreciate it more, or strive for something more.  Knowing others, and how they live provides a sense of balance.  Which is why when people, who choose to be house bound, don't interact with others they loose their balance.
          Not having certain people not friend me actually helped me acquire balance.  Huh...interesting. 
          With that said I want to say to these people.  I have found memory's of you, but I also know that perhaps you do not of me and for that I am sorry.  It would be wonderful if we could go back in time and do things differently, but we cant and I am personally grateful to not have that choice.  All the experiences in my life have brought me to a place of contentment and joy.  Not being able to reconnect with certain areas of, and people in, my past taught me something else.  The areas that I can are exactly the ones I am suppose to have and I have reconnected with them at exactly the right time.  
          A couple of nights ago I was walking into my favorite grocery store; preparing my self to once again say no to the onslaught of sugar.  Coming towards me on her way out was a woman, slightly older than me.  Her hair was long also, it was a beautiful white color, she was dressed very current, and wearing a red shawl around her shoulders.  We both gave each other a momentary smile of acknowledgement, silently saying to each other, and our selves, "right on."  I wanted to hold up my hand and give her a high five, what I did instead was hold my head a little higher, go about my day, and drive home in my red mustang with the stereo blaring Royal Blood.  I am not alone.  :) 
 Namaste  Peace out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhgVu2lsi_k

“Change is superficial. Transformation is deep. It alters our perception of reality and therefore causes everything in our life to shift. Transformation is what happens when we live our life rather than analyze it.”
― Frank Natale

tags: inspirational-quotes, midlife-crisis, relationships-advice

“Each person has to face this challenge – you must search inside yourself. The props – surroundings, interactions, rituals, customs and superstitions – are just palliatives. You have to achieve your balance on your own; it has to come from the self. Once you get there, you can afford the luxury of lavishing your life with the pleasures of your drifting journey.”
― Andre Averbug, The Drifting Self: a novella

tags: happiness, midlife-crisis, search-for-happiness, search-for-meaning, self-help, self-improvement

Sugar: A love story

I
 don't wanna be needing your love
I just wanna be deep in your love
And it's killing me when you're away, ooh, baby,
'Cause I really don't care where you are
I just wanna be there where you are
And I gotta get one little taste
-Marroon 5


    

“Creativity's too big a pill; the truth's too hard to swallow. Sprinkle sugar in a straight line and we'll all inhale and follow.”
― Kelby Losack, Toxic Garbage

tags: creativity, sugar-coated, truth

        Funny how Friday the 13th landed before Valentines day this year; is the universe sending a message? Or just coincidence?  In my world very few things are coincidental.  Fate?  Maybe.  I think its more like Karma.  The universe has things it wants us to see and learn we need only pay attention.  So once again I beg your patience while I weave my tale. 
       Friday the 13th I went grocery shopping for the up and coming week.  It was a Friday like any other.  I drove up the road, stereo blasting, perhaps going a little faster than the designated 35 MPH, to our local store, parked the car, walked across the parking lot, still humming the song I was listening to, and was greeted by Girl scouts selling Girl Scout cookies.  sigh...   I smiled at the two cute little Girl scouts doing there best to relive me of my money and sugar free lifestyle. "No thank you I've already bought some."  Which wasn't true but it sounds better then, "Sorry I'm not partaking of sugar right now you miniature drug dealers."
          A brief flash of a plot went through my head, a rationalization of just one box will be ok, I could eat it before I got home, hubby wouldn't even know.  Until hubby kissed me and then he would notice the taste of thin mints, or lemon zingers.
"What's that on your lips?  Did you get some Girl Scout cookies?" I picture him standing back with a slightly amused but accusatory look on his face.
"No" I would fire back guiltily but with amused bravado. "If you have Girl Scout cookies on your mind so much that you are tasting them on my lips maybe you should just drive up to the grocery store, buy yourself a box or two and give into your base urges like I did."
He would laugh, kiss me again, lick his lips, share a sigh of thin mint contentment and walk away.  I would depart from him feeling unfulfilled by the forbidden cookies and disappointed in myself.  So instead I pass.
          I walked into the store and roll my eyes.  Right in front of me in all its Valentines day glory was a display of everything Valentines.  Little stuffed animals, cards, flowers, and... sugar.  Sugar of every kind, shape, color, and size.  Sigh...I take a deep cleansing breath, for the second time in less then two minutes, divert my eyes, and move quickly pass the display of love that really is more a display addiction.
          I walked around the corner to check out the sales that the grocery store always displays up front, decide that there is nothing we need, then move leisurely up and down the first two aisles. still humming contentedly, proud of myself for resisting temptation twice that day in so short a period.  Enjoying the stroll through the land of food I am glad I am by myself.
          My sons hate grocery shopping with me because I go up and down every aisle whether we need something on that aisle or not.  But I have learned over the years that if I don't take my time to think about what is on that aisle I end up forgetting something.  Or I come home with something I really don't want, or need.  So with the mindset of making wise eating choices, and taking my time, I also stand in front of something for what feels like an eternity, to my sons, looking at a product, usually containing sugar, or something of equal unhealthiness, until I internally talk myself out of it.
           I have a friend who has been a nutritional coach of sorts for a couple of years now and she explained to me once that if a food talks to you don't get it.  When she first told me this I thought, confused, wtf is she talking about?  But now I get it.  Its almost like I have conversation's in my head with some products.
"Hey there" Captain Crunch says in a Scottish seductive voice, "slow down lassy, c'mon take me off the shelf and take me home."
I stand there thinking, "Why not?   How could one box of glorious sugar filled Captain Crunch, indulged upon in one glorious passion filled night, hurt?"  But it will, I argue with myself, I no longer want to deal with the emotional abuse I inflict upon my self after wards so I begin to walk away. 
"Wait there lass, what about crunch berries?" Captain Crunch purrs in his smooth Scottish accent.
"Oooooo  crunch berries."  I stand there looking at the box, rationalizing, "What if I only have one bowl?  What if I can make it last?  But then that's sugar dragged out over time.  Well then I could just eat it all in one sitting.  Good Buddha no!  What am I thinking...move on."
I hear Captain Crunch sigh defeat and start working on the next person, a nineteen year old girl.  "Lassy lassy slow down there!  Pick me up! You wont have regrets for years and years."
I smile and move on knowing that such passionate encounters are brief, and fleeting, but the long term effects are not worth one night of passion. 
          I congratulate myself again and continue walking to the end of the aisle oblivious to what awaits me.  I get to the end of the aisle and I hear a choir of angels go off, a bright light comes down from heaven illuminateing...wait for it...an aisle of half off Entemans.  WTF!!!  Am I being tested?  Then I remember that 1)-Im not Christian so the light fades and the angels stop singing; (I would never hear monks chanting because well, they supposedly don't eat that crap) and
2)- I don't like Entemans really.  But wait there is a bakery aisle just around the corner, I didn't even go into it, may be I should take a stroll back and take a look, don't the guys need bread anyways and I could look at the brownies, the cherry turnovers, pecan pies, donuts, cupcakes, sugar cookies it doesn't hurt to look and smell, maybe they are giving away free samples...wait...STOP!  I take another deep breath, gain control, and decide against the bakery. 
          Well this back and forth, unfulfilled, passion takes it toll and all at once I get pissed and look to blame.  Blame falls upon a holiday invented strictly to encourage consumerism and the eating of sugar.  Why does there have to be so many holidays that encourage things like love, and giving only once or twice a year?  Why do they all need to be celebrated with eating.  Eating lots and lots and ending with huge, wide variety's of ooey gooey sugary goodness?
          I don't think holidays like Valentines day really do spread love.  I think this causes many arguments among what would normally be happy couples.  I have known, and still know, some people, men and women alike, who feel more than a little slighted if their significant other forgets flowers, or candy, or a romantic dinner.  Why do we need one specific day to show vast amounts of love?
          AND it makes single people feel like there is something wrong with them that they are unable to participate in mass consumption, with some one else, of..well...things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.  I know a couple of people, well more than a couple really, once again men and women alike, who have made conscious, well thought out, intelligent choices to not be in a relationship.  There are other things in life that hold more satisfaction for some people.  ;)  They are happy contented people.  Which once again makes me wonder again about the intelligence of a holiday that celebrates love focused on relationships with someone else!  Shouldn't there be more focus put on the fact that the loving relationship you have with yourself is more desirable and long lasting?
          Something else occurred to me.  Valentines day is just one perfect example of advertising at its very best.  Consumerism at its best.  There is a certain admiration for the person, or persons, who thought this so called holiday up.  Who have such a great understanding of the mind to know that Americans will just consume with out thinking and use this knowledge to make money.
          I realized that its all connected, this idea of mass consumption, and consumerism, in the United States.  This is why other countries consider us spoiled, and or decadent.  Technically we are.  We have so much at our finger tips that the majority of the rest of the world does not.  I mean there are places in the world that do not have McDonalds for crying out loud!  Can you even imagine, what Nirvana that must be!  Not that I really like them, we haven't eaten at one in years now, but they still smell good driving down the street after the grocery store...sigh.  What do they do to make it smell good?  You know it tastes like crap and personally makes me sick, truly, but the smell sure is tempting.
          All this exposure to food that we really don't need, or want.  When you give some real thought, to sugar, to junk food, it is part of democracy.  Strange...but true.  Having holidays where we don't understand that we are giving thanks to things instead of what the true intention of the holiday is suppose to be is democracy.  We forget a couple things about this idea however. 
          One- We can say no.  Democracy is all about saying no really, not yes.  It is saying no to some one who uses religion to further their paranoid, twisted ideas of love, morality and values.  It is saying no to guns even though we have a right to keep them in our homes.  It is saying no to filling our lives with stuff, bigger TV's, newer versions of a phone that works just fine, faster computers, prettier cars, bigger houses, the list is endless. 
         AND it means saying no to filling our bodies and minds with foods that encourage a life style that really is not healthy.  But hey, the stuff has to be sold right?  I mean someone makes it, someone has to sell it, and we silly Americans think we need to buy it, because...well...we can.  So BAM Valentines day!  The day of love followed by the day of half off sugar.  Preceded I remind you by Friday the 13th.  All these days have to be good for some one...hmmmm...but who I wonder?
          The Pith of the Matter is.. me.  Yeah sometimes I over analyze things like sugar which technically wasn't a issue for me until recently.  But there comes a day when we all say, "NO" and for me it came this Friday the 13th.  Almost every day I struggle with not eating some kind of sugary delight.  Then I remember how good it feels to say no. 
          I walked out  of the grocery store with my cart full of healthy happy choices and was once again confronted with two different Girl Scouts.  "How long was I in the grocery store?" I thought as they once again asked if I would buy some cookies.  I looked at them, smiled and said, "No thank you, but you guys did an awesome job asking." 
Namaste
Peace out

“You can believe in whatsoever you like, but the truth remains the truth, no matter how sweet the lie may taste.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson

tags: bad-influence, belief, bible, christianity, exaggeration, fabrication, false-prophets, falsification, gospel, half-truth, liar, lie, mendacity, philosophy, religion, sugar-coated, sweet, taste, truth, untruth

 

“Tone is the hardest part of saying no.”
― Jonathan Price, Put That in Writing

tags: saying-no, tone

 

“It takes valor to identify your breaking points and refuse to allow people/circumstances use them to force you say/do things you don’t believe





.”
― Assegid Habtewold, The 9 Cardinal Building Blocks: For Continued Success in Leadership

 

The Body Is the Garden of my Soul

        

          I have struggled with weight most of my life.  Even when I was at my skinniest, size 9, with a 5ft. 7 height, 120 pounds, (which was considered to be too skinny for me,) weight was a struggle.  I wasn't skinny because I was taking good care of my self.  I was skinny for the opposite reason.  It has taken me some time to realize that my weight issues are due to my lack of connection, and understanding, to caring for myself.
          I don't like January.  I perceive it as a very self reflective month.  It takes me the whole month to figure out what I want to achieve for the year. Everything is on hold until I figure it out.  Its a little frustrating for me really, I feel like I'm not achieving anything. Another example of how I don't think I deserve to put myself first.
         I also don't like the phrase New Years resolution.  Resolution has a feeling of finality for me, and I have always had a hard time advocating, and understanding, that something is final, done, over, that's it.  I think as humans we are ever changing, evolving.  There are very few things in life that are final...death, that is it.  Even then if you believe in reincarnation death isn't even final. So instead I set goals. A goal is something at the end of an achievement.  For me this idea is more appropriate to my spirituality, Buddhism. Buddhism encourages goals, it has an understanding that setting goals is good, but more often that not goals are not achieved, and that's ok.
        Take something like the idea of suffering, suffering will not end, but we can make it a goal to eliminate it when we can.  To be aware of it.  To be kind and compassionate. So in the case of my weight I set a goal of understanding that states, "weight has been, and will always be, an issue for me."  But I can set certain goals to alleviate the attachments I have to my mindset attached to weight and change my idea of consumption.
        Consumption in Buddhism has mostly to do with society and economy as a whole.  How much we, as humans, in the majority of cultures out there, put such a huge emphasis on consuming in mass quantity's.  This does not always have to do with food, it also includes drugs, media, things in general that we don't need but tell ourselves that we do. Our inability to ascertain the difference between want and need.
         In Buddhism giving in to the idea of consumption and attachment accumulates bad Karma.  How can we accumulate good Karma when we are so attached to things that in all reality are not necessary for our well being?  I have been meditating on this a lot lately in hopes that I can alter some of my Karma...and weight.
 
          First why is one of the Buddha's chubby and smiling.  Doesn't this image almost encourage consumption?  And support our acceptance, comfort, in it?  Well stature, physique, etc. is historically associated with class.  Being over weight and smiling signified wealth and happiness.  So are we suppose to be chubby and happy?  Do we need to be chubby to be healthy?  Do we need more to feel more? Then I found this.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201207/when-did-the-buddha-become-fat   Well totally changed my perception.  Then I also remembered China is the country that occupied Tibet and pushed the Dahli Lama out.  pffft...so wrong path to take to learn something here.  Refocus.
          I have been reading http://www.savorthebook.com/ this has been very helpful; lending support on a multitude of issues in a way that not only supports my spirituality but also a healthy life style.  It is this book that helped me become aware of the possibility that caring for myself was not a priority.
How does this happen?  How do so many of us grow up thinking that putting ourselves first is wrong?  I googled this and came up with many answers.  So there is not one simple answer.  
          In these situations I think its reasonable to not focus on the why of it happening but the solution instead.  For me all I need to recognize is that for a multitude of reasons I was not taught, role modeled, encouraged, and supported to care for myself first.  Then add in my career choices...well.    Now don't misunderstand me, none of these things are really bad.  I am very much at peace with the fact that I am who I am thanks to everyone who has crossed my path, and all the choices I have made, whether they be good or bad.  BUT here's the thing. 
          Something occurred to me lately.  I am a huge advocate, supporter, encourager of empowering people.  There are too many victims in the world.  By not getting a hold on my weight, for what ever reason, does this make me a victim?  Am I giving up to, and giving in to, the addictive mindset that I have always had a weight issue and that is the way it will always be?  No I don't thing so. 
          When examining something that is causing suffering you have to look at the source of it.  You become a victim if you choose not to go to the next step which is saying," I have weight issues, but I can take steps to make my life healthier, I do this by accepting that I can put myself first."  Even writing that and looking at it, letting it sink in, makes me uncomfortable.  Ahhh another source of suffering to meditate on.  So I did. 
           It never ceases to amaze me how readily the answers come to me while meditating.  I have mentioned before that I use different forms of meditation for different reasons.  For something like my weight I have been looking for some kind of chant.  Something that I can say either to myself or out loud, while breathing, to help me resist unnecessary consumption.
           At first I found a couple of lines out of a longer writing which I would, and still do, repeat to myself.  "I will consume in such a way that preserves peace, joy and well being in body and consciousness."  Simple enough.  But sometimes you need something easier and more to the point.           
           Today I sat down to meditate on my well being.  I lit some incense, and a candle.  Turned on the Heart Mediations station on Pandora, got myself into a half lotus position on my marshmallow cushion in front of my alter, put my hands into the Gyan Mudras (knowledge), and began breathing.  Meditation comes pretty fast for me now.  I have been doing it a few years and have trained myself to do what I need to do to get to the relaxed, calm, place of peace that brings me answers. 
          Here's what happened, in the back ground I heard the words to a piece of music that was playing, "My body is the garden of my soul."  Well there you go.  Coincidence?  Maybe, but I believe that these messages come to us all the time, we just don't always listen; meditating opens us up to the messages. I quickly came out of mediation and wrote the words down so I wouldn't forget it.  We all know that our emotions are connected to our body; healthy body healthy mind and vice versa.  But our spirituality is connected to both also. Spirituality keeps us focused on doing both for ourselves.
           My mind then flows out to my back yard, my big controlled chaos of a garden.  I cant remember when, but at some point, I decided that I was fighting a loosing battle with my garden.  Feeling I was constantly trying to make it do something that it didn't want to do.  Finally I decided why not let it grow where it wants to grow?  Sure I still pull and trim some plants in order that others can have room to grow, and be healthy, but all in all I let it do what it wants.  I watch it, observe it every season.  I walk through it, looking at plants, what's coming up, what's struggling, and nurture it according to what I the garden wants to share with me.
          The Pith of the Matter.  The body is the garden of my soul.  All it takes is some patience, acceptance, observation, and insight into what makes it grow, what makes it healthy.  Pull out things that don't work, maintain those that do.  Huh...simple.  Free of attachment, consumption, and suffering.  As it should be.
Namaste Peace out.

   

 

Mrs. B. the Younger

              

          When my eldest got married he dubbed us the elders; he and his new wife were, and still are, the youngers.  This passing of title, or the torch if you will, has suddenly taken on an importance I hadn't considered.  I have periodically blogged about my daughter in law.  She is very patient with me in this area (i.e. my need to express myself) because one- she doesn't like to be the center of attention, and two-she is not like me in big showy public displays of affection.  Some times, however, and I am going to be blunt about this, she needs to get over it; this is one of those times.  The daughter in law deserves praise, and it is time that everyone knows it.
          I don't think my daughter law always knows what an awesome human being she is.  I don't say this with any other intention other than to make sure that she knows and understands this.  In the early stages of her life, and with sharing just enough detail for readers to understand, she dealt with challenges that 99% of the population not only don't have to deal with, but don't have a clue about.  I am not exaggerating this. She will admit openly that growing up was a very difficult for her and caused her to question life in general, and her place in it, for a very long time.  Then she met my son.
          Now I, as a loving, proud, dedicated mom, would love to tell you that my son saved her, but this is not true.  They saved each other.  Both of them used their challenging beginnings to build a life together that, for those of us who watch from afar, are astounded by.  They don't have a lot of money, they don't have big huge titled jobs that provide an entitled income and everything attached to a big entitled income.  What they do have is a loving, giving, compassionate, kind lifestyle that encourages them to always give to others.  Due to this lifestyle they find themselves surrounded with luxury's that many of us take for granted; good friends, pets, loving comfortable environment and a loving, patient, dedicated marriage.
          Like most women my lovely daughter in law feels week, tired, and struggles.  All women feel this way, in fact, men do too, they just usually keep it to themselves.  I believe most women need to have a day or two where they get pissed off at the world and everything in it.  It needs to be done periodically so we can get on with life.  She deserves to have a bad day, may be more deserving than others from time to time.  Life feels harder for her more than others, and I think sometimes we forget that.  Like most women my daughter in law figures it all out and gets back into the swing of things; jumping in with both feet and a smile on her face.  Now may be some of you read this and think there is no need to praise something that we all do, we all just do it and accept that we don't get praise for it most of the time.  But here's the thing, my daughter in law deals with life changing issues on a daily basis that makes certain normal circumstances, like the simple daily function of eating, feel harder for her.  Yet she still does it.
          She goes out and hikes by herself, goes to school full time, works, working in areas that many people would never consider working at, she talks to everyone, learns from everyone, and everything, and daily looks for ways to challenge herself while helping others.  Knowing that doing these things help her feel that she has found her place in the world.  Helps her deal with life in general.  Helps her keep her sanity.  That there is a reason for it all. 
          She believes that the challenges she has been given are there for her to help and teach others.  Often not thinking of her own safety.  This perspective she has on life is something that many people do not have.  This optimism that despite the challenges that the universe seems to constantly dish out to her there is a bigger picture, and she see's it, understands it, and is up to the challenge.
          Many of us on the outside of her life worry, wondering if she is aware of the dangers associated with some of her choices.  This is frustrating for her, not because, I think, that she doesn't understand the love and caring associated with the concern towards her, but because she has grown up.  Grown up learning things that many of us have not.  Grown up with a different perspective on life because of what she has learned.  Grown up with a wisdom of the world which many of us take for granted and don't understand.  Grown up with a confidence associated with it all.
          So here is the Pith of the Matter on the Mrs. B. Younger.  We ask you to be patient with us elders who sometimes fumble with the right words to express how very proud we all are of you.  I personally thank everyday that I wake up that you are not only in my sons life, but ours, and the universe's in general. 
          I've told you before, and I will repeat it again, and here it is in writing fro you to hold against me when you think I forget. ;)  Regardless of what anyone else says, and many of those people are full of good intentions and love for you, you MUST do what you feel to be the right path for you. It is in following your path that you will feel full filled in life.  These full filling paths rarely come with lots of money, and lots of things, attachments if you will.  But they do come with confidence, bravery, wisdom, love, compassion, kindness; all the things that money cannot buy, and that you can only give to yourself.  It is a healthy selfish and part of making sure that you sustain a healthy life style, which many people don't truly understand is something that you struggle with daily. 
          Know that you have one, but I suspect many more than you know, admirer.  I watch from afar, with more pride than I can ever put into words, (which is ironic I know) and a growing never ending love.  Admittedly sometimes I live vicariously through you and I thank you for letting me.  My sister shared once with me that as we get older we pass the torch on to those who come after us.  I feel confident in the passing of the torch to you.  Thank you my love. 
Namaste Peace out

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”
― Rumi, The Essential Rumi

tags: follow-your-heart, guidance, inclination, occupations, preferences, pull

 

“She was always daydreaming. She never wanted to live in the real world; she always seemed to be separated from other children her age. They couldn’t understand her or her imagination. She was always thinking outside of the box, breaking rules, and only following what her heart told her was right.”
― Shannon A. Thompson, November Snow

tags: childhood, daydreaming, follow-your-heart, imagination

 

“I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted.”
― Steve Goodier

tags: courage, courageous, fear, fearfulness, follow-your-dreams, follow-your-heart, inner-voice, passion, passionate-living, path, path-of-life, risk, risk-it, safety, taking-a-chance

 

Your Grounded! (Or How to Successfully Ground Your Child)

   
 “You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.”
― Andrew Hussie

tags: grounded, homestuck 

 

“Get yourself grounded and you can navigate even the stormiest roads in peace.”
― Steve Goodier

tags: centered, grounded, grounding, peace     

           I don't watch a lot of TV.  I'm not one of those sit down every night and watch the same bundle of programs the same night at the same time kind of people.  I like movies, but I'm picky about the genre.  We have Netflix so I power watch series sometimes.  What I most often do how ever is fall asleep in front of the TV.  It takes a pretty good show to hold my interest these days.  One of those shows lately is the series Parenthood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vCDj0tsEp0 
I like how the story's play out about the parenting challenges and joys.  I like the characters in it. 
          The other night I'm watching; one couple is having difficulties with their teen age daughter concerning the boy she likes and wants to date.  She disobeys when the parents tell her that she cant date him anymore; gets caught, an argument ensues, and they, the parents. scream, "YOUR GROUNDED."  Well this doesn't work, you'll have to watch the series to see what happens.  ;)  This got me to thinking about the misuse of grounding.
          When I was working I never recommended parents to ground their child(ren).  Grounding doesn't work.  IN order for it to work parents have to make sure that they are monitoring the child.  Something that they should have been doing before the grounding.  So grounding technically grounds the whole family.  I don't know about you but my time is precious and I would much rather spend good time with my kids then time being grounded with them.
          There are other things to consider for grounding to work.  A parent has to take all toys, and electronic devices out of the grounded persons, in question, room.  I mean what is the sense of grounding someone if they are happy to be in their room playing?  Kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me. What is suppose to be a good form of discipline used to make a child think about what they have done, or are doing, turns into a great big giant pain in the ass. 
          Something else to consider.  Most teens will rebel against grounding.  Sneaking out of the house.  Sneaking onto computers, using the phones, using some one else's phone.  Screaming, yelling, slamming doors, rolling eyes, taking those HUGE exasperated sigh's which tell you that they think you are stupid.  Basically doing the opposite of what you want, and hope, the grounding to do.  AND while teens will do this in more scenarios that I can list it seems that grounding will be one of those things where you can times the bad behavior by 10.  Grounding in teens actually encourages bad behavior, not prevent it.  So in the spirit of picking and choosing your battles lets think twice about grounding.  Lets instead redefine it.

noun

1.

the solid surface of the earth; firm or dry land:

to fall to the ground.

2.

earth or soil:

stony ground.

3.

land having an indicated character:

rising ground.

4.

Often, grounds. a tract of land appropriated to a special use:

picnic grounds; a hunting ground.

5.

Often, grounds. the foundation or basis on which a belief or action rests; reason or cause:

grounds for dismissal.

6.

subject for discussion; topic:

Sex education is forbidden ground in some school curricula.

7.

rational or factual support for one's position or attitude, as in a debate or argument:

on firm ground; on shaky ground.

 

          In the definition of grounding there is nothing that remotely suggests that it is a punishment used to isolate children/teens and encourage parents to either not deal with an issue or to avoid an issue.  It is in fact the complete opposite.  What it is, and should be, is an opportunity for a child (and parent(s)) to calm down and think.  In order for you to teach the benefits of grounding you must make a conscious choice from the time they are very young to set the boundaries, and teach the benefits of grounding.  YESSSS I hear you...how?  Well lets briefly take it step by step.  ;)
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/8-tools-toddler-discipline
http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/07/distract-and-redirect.html
https://pubs.ext.vt.edu/350/350-114/350-114.html
           First of all time outs/grounding doesn't work under the age of two.  Before the age of two you divert and distract them from what every you don't want them to be...well...doing.  You can even still do this at age two, but introduce the concept of time outs.  Time outs at any age should never be used in anger, like spanking.  It is a thoughtful discipline tool used to teach.   What you are teaching in the early stages of childhood is self discipline.  Self discipline must be taught it is not something we are born with.  If you are screaming, and yelling, at your young child to, "PICK UP YOU TOYS NOW!" it is inappropriate to be upset when your child behaves exactly like you. Reacting with, "TIME OUT!" and harshly shoveing them into a corner will not teach what you want them to learn.  Quite frankly you have failed to teach self control, or even how to pick up toys for that matter.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/10-time-out-techniques
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/disciplining-toddlers
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts
          If your child is not picking up toys AFTER you have taken the time to show things like, books go here, stuffed animals go here, etc.  You have even helped them a couple times, then you can consider a time out.  This is done with the child now sitting and do nothing while they watch you calmly clean up the room.  If you choose to do the chore for them then they need to understand that they cannot do anything else until it is done OR you can trade with them.  Mommy picked up your toys so now you have to feed the dog for mommy.  The other example of appropriate use of time out is the child has thrown a fit because they don't want to pick up their toys.  They sit in the chari until they have quieted down. 
          Standard rules for time outs with young children are one minute per age of child, and this should be adjusted according to the child's individual maturity.  Time outs are used to either help a child detach, and calm down, from bad behavior, and/or to think about what they have done.  Since a young child is still learning how to problem solve telling them to go and sit down and think about what they did is inappropriate.
          Instead what you do is have a timer up to ten minutes, at age ten time out rules change; it is the beginning of puberty, puberty changes everything.  Set timer, for instance, for your two year old for two minutes, where they can see it but it is out of reach.  (Because if you have a son like my youngest he will quickly figure out how to change it when he thinks you are not looking.) 
         Put a time out chair, or rug square, or a hoola hoop they can sit in, or a stool ( what ever) in a place where you can see it, it DOES not have to face a corner.  IN fact facing the corner is punitive and will teach nothing, kids hate it, and it usually makes behavior worse.  Let them see where you are.  I actually suggest you sit in the same room with them role modeling behavior until around four years of age (four minutes).  If you cant sit still with them they should see you, and you should still be role modeling good behavior.  For instance doing the dishes quietly, with no conversation, no tv, no music, no computer, until the time out is done.
         After two minutes (for a two year old) don't let them immediately jump up.  Go to them, shut off timer, sit down, and tell them what you want them to do from now on.  "I want you to go put those toys in the toy box now understand?"  Then follow it up with, "tell me what I said."  Just so you know that they heard you.  Simplify the language if you don't think they understood.  "Go pick up your toys now."  DO not lecture a small child you will turn into Charlie Browns teacher.  Blah blah blah blah...  
          Do the same thing every single time.  If they understand that every time they don't pick up toys they have to sit in the time out chair, and do nothing, until they pick up toys they will eventually learn to pick up toys to avoid sitting in the chair.  If they know that every time they throw a fit they have to sit on their rug square until they are calm they will start to minimize their "I want fits."  If every time they hit another child they have to sit in the middle of the hoola hoop they will learn not to hit.
          Using Time outs effectively also gives you red flags to other challenges.  Children with Asperger's, ADHD, social anxieties, etc. will sometimes use bad behavior to avoid other people.  If your child melts down every time he/she has to interact with someone then perhaps, not always, this is a red flag.  If your child melts down every time its clean up time perhaps it is an indicator that they are over whelmed, or confused as to what they are suppose to do.  In which case you learn better parenting.  ;) 
          Some children are very bright and will learn that every time they melt down they get out of doing something they don't want to do.  In these cases pick a day, or two, or three.  Involve all family members living in the house.  Then do the following, start off saying: "Pick up your toys now please."  Child reacts with bad behavior.  Pick up young child firmly, but gently, place them in chair set timer.  Timer goes off, rinse and repeat until child knows you mean business.  This is an art form of patience for parents.  If you have a spouse tag team if possible.  If not try to recruit another extended family member who understands what you are trying to achieve and will carry out your wishes exactly like you want them to. 
          Every time the child melts down all other family members leave the room.  They are sending the quiet message that we don't want to be around you when you behave like this.  It all must be done calmly and quietly.  Over and over again until the child understands that this is what is going to happen every time you choose to use this behavior.  This routine is called behavior management.   
          Now you don't want to use behavior management to squash feelings, thoughts, ideas.  You are teaching that these angry out bursts that you are having are hurtful and accomplish nothing.  Simply pick up your toys, contribute to our home and family, then we can go to the next fun part of the day.
          Another important aspect of this is PRAISE.  When they finally are successful and doing what you want them to do praise them ALOT!  You don't need to bribe them just hug them, love them, say thank you, it was a big help that you did this!  I'm so proud of you!  By praising them you are teaching that the realistic reward for a job well done is how good it feels afterwards!  Most kids want to please their care giver.  Not caring about pleasing a care giver is sometimes a red flag.
          As they get older and you add more minutes you adjust the communication with them.  Instead of just telling them what you want them to do you start asking questions.  Do you know why I told you to sit in the chair? Or, "Tell me why you had to take a time out."  Most kids will say I don't know, its the go to answer.  Don't get discouraged, calmly, lovingly look at them and say tell me what happened before you sat in the chair.  Keep on attempting to lead them to a conclusion on their own.  They will get frustrated, and angry, teach them how to take a deep breath and lovingly let them know that you are trying to teach them something important.  You can ask did you throw a fit?  What are the rules about throwing fits?  What are the rules about picking up toys, etc?  What are the rules about hitting?   You get the idea.  When you are sure they understand ask them to go finish picking up.  You can praise them for problem solving and communicating well, but don't praise them for picking up unless they did out with out a fit. 
          So you have reached age ten; puberty begins.  Primary skills for puberty are socialization, problem solving, critical thinking, and communication.  ALL of these are role modeled by the adults in their lives.  Taught by the adults in their lives.  Parents should be taking a more active role in an adolescents life even more so then when they are little.  You don't follow them around all the time because they need to start learning how to be independent.  But you follow up, and follow though, on everything they say and do.  Check if they were actually where they said they were going to be.  Don't assume they did their homework ask to see it.  Talk to teachers regularly.  To coaches, to friends.  Pop in at their hang outs sometimes just to say hi and hang out.  Role modeling every where you go love, kindness, respect.  DONT embarrass them in front of friends, classmates, etc., by using bad behavior that you wouldn't want you own kid to use around you.
          Starting at ten you let your child know, and make a big deal out of it that the rules for time outs have changed.  Time for them to move on to the next more mature phase of their life.  Don't say, "You need to be acting more adult now.  Use the word mature, not adult, they are not adults yet, you just want them to mature to the next phase.  Now they will be asked to take calm down time.  Calm down time is used for them to gather their feelings and think.  Some boundaries and rules you can use are. 
          You may take calm down time in your room, but these are used for you to think, so when I call you back and you don't have an answer for me you will be told to go back and try again and again until you have an answer for me.  If you are going to your room to play instead of think then we will decide on another place for your time out.  (then ask your child for two or three options on a time out location, pick the one that is least attractive to them.  If you don't like any of the choices pick one and explain why you have picked it.)  You can only use your computer if you are researching information on why you need calm down time.  You may not use your phone.  You can listen to music but no tv.  This is not a punishment, we are trying to teach you a valuable tool for problem solving.
          Calm down times are used to take a break and calm down.  Everyone has a right to feel angry, frustrated, etc.  BUT it is not ok to subject what you feel on others all the time.  If you feel that you cannot discuss things nicely with me, or dad, etc. then you can call a time out, go to your space, calm down, and think about it.  There is a time limit to calm down times however,  what do you feel is an appropriate amount of time that you feel you need to calm down and think?  (You can give suggestions here and let them pick one.)  ALSO if you feel dad or I (or someone else in the house) needs a calm down time you can say respectfully that "WE" should take a time out and come back to it when everyone is calm.  (Perhaps taking the time to explain that by using "we" you avoid pointing  fingers and prevent someone from feeling defensive.)
         " Here is a note book for you to write down some of your thoughts and help you keep organized.  I am not going to make you use it, it is a tool to help you be successful.  No one will read it, it is for your own personal thoughts."   Then if you find they never use the note book you have the opportunity to say,"I want you to go and try using the notebook."  If they reply with something along the lines of I don't need it, you can reply with, try it and then prove me wrong.  Kids like to prove their parents wrong. ;)  More often then not if you tell them to try one of your suggestions just to show you you were wrong they will find out that you were right and be thankful in the end.
          End with something to the extent of: "We are extending this privilege of calm down time to you because we feel that you are now mature enough to deal with these.  But privilege's come with responsibility's, in this case you are responsible for your behavior, acting respectfully, thoughtfully etc.  When, and if, you seem to be having difficulties in carrying out these steps we will step in and revisit this privilege and reset the rules to make you more successful.  Any questions?"
          In order for this scenario to work you MUST allow your adolescent to call you on bad behavior and use the same rules with you.  If he/she says you need a time out then respect those words and follow through on the behavior you want them to be using!  Adolescents are very focused on the idea of fairness.  So in order for you to enforce these time out rules you must be fair and have them apply to you also.  Teaches accountability.  ;)
          Pith of the Matter.  If you scroll back up to the definition of grounded you will notice certain words; environment, firm ground, facts, subject of discussion.  In order for your child to learn proper grounding you must teach, and supply them with words, environment, facts, firm ground, and a subject of discussion.  It is your job to teach this.   Do your best, apologize for mistakes, allow for mistakes from your child, and yourself, teach with love and respect.  Allow your child to speak their mind (just because they say something doesn't mean you have to agree, but everyone has the right to be heard, and if you want them to listen to you then you must role model good listening skills.)
          What you will put out into the world is a young adult who, when discussing things with you, an employer, a professor, peers, etc., is able to share what they think with respect and confidence.  Some one who understands that they have a right to what they feel, but, just because they feel it, and/ or think it, doesn't mean that everyone will agree with them or that they are going to get their way every time.  A person who doesn't feel the need to scream, yell, be oppositional, and/or make a scene to be heard, or get their way.  Your child won't feel that the world is against them and all adults suck so there fore they don't have to listen, learn, or even try to take charge of their own life.  Some one who is not afraid of the word no.  A person who understands that a mistake is not a failure. Someone who is comfortable with their choices.  When they are able to do this successfully you can look at them with love, and pride, and praise them confidently with the words,"Now you are grounded Im proud of you."

Peace out  Namaste