I have struggled with weight most of my life. Even when I was at my skinniest, size 9, with a 5ft. 7 height, 120 pounds, (which was considered to be too skinny for me,) weight was a struggle. I wasn't skinny because I was taking good care of my self. I was skinny for the opposite reason. It has taken me some time to realize that my weight issues are due to my lack of connection, and understanding, to caring for myself.
I don't like January. I perceive it as a very self reflective month. It takes me the whole month to figure out what I want to achieve for the year. Everything is on hold until I figure it out. Its a little frustrating for me really, I feel like I'm not achieving anything. Another example of how I don't think I deserve to put myself first.
I also don't like the phrase New Years resolution. Resolution has a feeling of finality for me, and I have always had a hard time advocating, and understanding, that something is final, done, over, that's it. I think as humans we are ever changing, evolving. There are very few things in life that are final...death, that is it. Even then if you believe in reincarnation death isn't even final. So instead I set goals. A goal is something at the end of an achievement. For me this idea is more appropriate to my spirituality, Buddhism. Buddhism encourages goals, it has an understanding that setting goals is good, but more often that not goals are not achieved, and that's ok.
Take something like the idea of suffering, suffering will not end, but we can make it a goal to eliminate it when we can. To be aware of it. To be kind and compassionate. So in the case of my weight I set a goal of understanding that states, "weight has been, and will always be, an issue for me." But I can set certain goals to alleviate the attachments I have to my mindset attached to weight and change my idea of consumption.
Consumption in Buddhism has mostly to do with society and economy as a whole. How much we, as humans, in the majority of cultures out there, put such a huge emphasis on consuming in mass quantity's. This does not always have to do with food, it also includes drugs, media, things in general that we don't need but tell ourselves that we do. Our inability to ascertain the difference between want and need.
In Buddhism giving in to the idea of consumption and attachment accumulates bad Karma. How can we accumulate good Karma when we are so attached to things that in all reality are not necessary for our well being? I have been meditating on this a lot lately in hopes that I can alter some of my Karma...and weight.
First why is one of the Buddha's chubby and smiling. Doesn't this image almost encourage consumption? And support our acceptance, comfort, in it? Well stature, physique, etc. is historically associated with class. Being over weight and smiling signified wealth and happiness. So are we suppose to be chubby and happy? Do we need to be chubby to be healthy? Do we need more to feel more? Then I found this. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201207/when-did-the-buddha-become-fat Well totally changed my perception. Then I also remembered China is the country that occupied Tibet and pushed the Dahli Lama out. pffft...so wrong path to take to learn something here. Refocus.
I have been reading http://www.savorthebook.com/ this has been very helpful; lending support on a multitude of issues in a way that not only supports my spirituality but also a healthy life style. It is this book that helped me become aware of the possibility that caring for myself was not a priority.
How does this happen? How do so many of us grow up thinking that putting ourselves first is wrong? I googled this and came up with many answers. So there is not one simple answer.
In these situations I think its reasonable to not focus on the why of it happening but the solution instead. For me all I need to recognize is that for a multitude of reasons I was not taught, role modeled, encouraged, and supported to care for myself first. Then add in my career choices...well. Now don't misunderstand me, none of these things are really bad. I am very much at peace with the fact that I am who I am thanks to everyone who has crossed my path, and all the choices I have made, whether they be good or bad. BUT here's the thing.
Something occurred to me lately. I am a huge advocate, supporter, encourager of empowering people. There are too many victims in the world. By not getting a hold on my weight, for what ever reason, does this make me a victim? Am I giving up to, and giving in to, the addictive mindset that I have always had a weight issue and that is the way it will always be? No I don't thing so.
When examining something that is causing suffering you have to look at the source of it. You become a victim if you choose not to go to the next step which is saying," I have weight issues, but I can take steps to make my life healthier, I do this by accepting that I can put myself first." Even writing that and looking at it, letting it sink in, makes me uncomfortable. Ahhh another source of suffering to meditate on. So I did.
It never ceases to amaze me how readily the answers come to me while meditating. I have mentioned before that I use different forms of meditation for different reasons. For something like my weight I have been looking for some kind of chant. Something that I can say either to myself or out loud, while breathing, to help me resist unnecessary consumption.
At first I found a couple of lines out of a longer writing which I would, and still do, repeat to myself. "I will consume in such a way that preserves peace, joy and well being in body and consciousness." Simple enough. But sometimes you need something easier and more to the point.
Today I sat down to meditate on my well being. I lit some incense, and a candle. Turned on the Heart Mediations station on Pandora, got myself into a half lotus position on my marshmallow cushion in front of my alter, put my hands into the Gyan Mudras (knowledge), and began breathing. Meditation comes pretty fast for me now. I have been doing it a few years and have trained myself to do what I need to do to get to the relaxed, calm, place of peace that brings me answers.
Here's what happened, in the back ground I heard the words to a piece of music that was playing, "My body is the garden of my soul." Well there you go. Coincidence? Maybe, but I believe that these messages come to us all the time, we just don't always listen; meditating opens us up to the messages. I quickly came out of mediation and wrote the words down so I wouldn't forget it. We all know that our emotions are connected to our body; healthy body healthy mind and vice versa. But our spirituality is connected to both also. Spirituality keeps us focused on doing both for ourselves.
My mind then flows out to my back yard, my big controlled chaos of a garden. I cant remember when, but at some point, I decided that I was fighting a loosing battle with my garden. Feeling I was constantly trying to make it do something that it didn't want to do. Finally I decided why not let it grow where it wants to grow? Sure I still pull and trim some plants in order that others can have room to grow, and be healthy, but all in all I let it do what it wants. I watch it, observe it every season. I walk through it, looking at plants, what's coming up, what's struggling, and nurture it according to what I the garden wants to share with me.
The Pith of the Matter. The body is the garden of my soul. All it takes is some patience, acceptance, observation, and insight into what makes it grow, what makes it healthy. Pull out things that don't work, maintain those that do. Huh...simple. Free of attachment, consumption, and suffering. As it should be.
Namaste Peace out.
No comments:
Post a Comment