Sunday, September 29, 2013

C'mon! You Can Do It!!





This one wont be too long at all.  A brief sharing of feelings/ opinion with some sites to go visit and then done.  Here we go.
What is up with so many people not being able to say something nice and leave it alone?  Or the praise is masked some how with sarcasm OR it is book ended with inappropriate humor and or inappropriate comments.  Just say something nice for crying out loud and leave it be! You will not explode.  Although!  I can pretty much guarentee that after praising some one things will change.  People will feel happier...may be that is what so many people are afraid of?  In a world where so many are accustomed to choosing to feel shitty perhaps feeling any other than like shit feels funny to them.  SO instead of going with a positive feeling that is the right thing to feel they tink what they are feeling is wrong and there fore being happy, and making some one else feel happy must be the wrong thing to say/do!?!  Pith of the Matter...Be happy its ok!  Make some one else feel happy.  It reduces stress.  Unless you want to feel like crap in which case..carry on.  But please carry on alone.
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/07/01/how-to-give-praise/
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/giving-praise.htm
http://bcmnc.blount.k12.al.us/praise_someone_today.htm
http://bcmnc.blount.k12.al.us/praise_someone_today.htm

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

People Suck Mantra

   

   http://www.wildmind.org/mantras/figures/greentara 


          Im going to share a bit of truth with you concerning my self.  There are days when I dont like people.  gasp!  I know I know its true though.  And Im going to tell you why starting with a recent example.
          A couple of weeks ago I started back to school.   If anyone in there 50s, or older, tells you they love going back to school Im going to call shananigans.  The learning part is great, for the most part, when you get a good passionate instructor.  BUT going to school with other people who are, for the most part, much younger than you is...hmmmm....challangeing.   For instance, why is it that in every math class I end up sitting next to the person who feels the need to talk out loud while working their problems?  Or why is it that the person sitting on the other side of me asks all, and I mean ALL, the stupid questions?  I mean Im numerically challanged I dont need these distractions!  AND if I think they are stupid questions, given that I am numerically challanged, then THEY ARE STUPID QUESTIONS!  To me this is a prefect example of how people just need to shut up and listen a little longer before opening their mouths.
          Seriously...what is our world coming to when some one fresh out of high school doesnt know who Edger Allen Poe is?  And why does that silly girl in philosophy class ask,"If humans are animals why cant we eat each other?"  Im sorry it needs to be said...dumb ass.
          What is most frustrating to me how ever is the level of angry people out their in the world today.  Is it me?  Or does it seem that no matter where you go, or what you are doing there will be some one in that environment who is not just angry but pissed off at the world in general?  Here is an example that bothered me.
          Im leaving math class. I get into the elevator, Im tired I dont want to walk down the three flights of stairs that particular evening.  I have my backpack slung over one arm as I am entering the elevator but I am cautious and sensitve to others around me.  We have all had a back pack in our face cramming us into the corner of the elevator.  Well we get to the 2nd floor and more people get in...this is the english floor and I am assuming these folks are not familiar with the ideas of porportions yet.  As people get in I take my back pack off and scoot back a little, while I am doing this I turn the the woman in back of me, who is about my age, smile, and say sorry.  I didnt need to say sorry, I was aware that my backpack didnt come any where near her.  But for the next floor ride down, which took a little bit of time because these elevators are old, I can hear her taking deep sighs, like an adolescent, and complaining.  UH excuse me! Im thinking... none of us have room and while my back pack is not in your face your hot breath is on my back.  bleh.  Well I let her mess with my peace.  Shame on me.
          There is a slightly evil side to me that wants to partake in passive agressive retaliation like stalking the elevators until she gets in and not only NOT make an atempt to watch my back pack but to also wear some kind of really obnoxious perfume...or may be have eaten a big ol helping of beans and letting it loose on the elevator.  OR turn making sure she is cornered and just look at her.  You know...just look.  But I dont.  Instead I come home and blog about all the anger in the world and how we all, including me, let it get to us.  I remember reading some face book post that was posted by a site promoted by the Dali Lama that said if every child under the age of 8 were taught to meditate we would have world peace with in two decades.  Profound...give this a think for a bit.
          When I am confronted with such a large amount of anger and hostility I can feel it.  My need to go home to my sanctuary to be surrounded by people who engage in love and peace and same minded philosophys rises.   I reach out to friends who I know think and feel like I do. I find that I am actually kind of surprised to find that they think and feel the same way about people that I do.  Infact my one friend whom also subscribes to Buddhism said that her mantra during these times is people suck people suck.  :D  Which makes me feel alot better cause then I know that Im normal...mostly.  Both women that I spoke with concerning people...you know...sucking...shared the same thing.  They go through times where they find that they have reached the end of their compassion and understanding.  It becomes increasingly hard to be kind to people around them.
          ANother thought came up in my conversations with these two spiritual and intellegent women.  When did saying sorry start being percieved as a weakness?  Truley think about this.  How many times do we apologize to a stranger and that seems to almost give them permission to start verbelly abusing us.  Or attempt to embarrass us, and not the good teaching kind of embarrassment, but the deaming hurtful kind.  I dont get it.  You know what I say to people who do this?  Because in my line of work I have been confronted with a few.  At first I say nothing; I let them rant awhile.  And then I look at them calmly, take a visable deep breath (to silently let them know that they should calm the fuck down) then I whisper.  I know you are upset, but I apologized and I am here to help you, so could you please stop yelling at me.  Remember once again to smile, whisper and put on your calmest tranquil face.  Humble them into humility.  I gain nothing by acting badly.  Bad behavior is an energy sucker.  I decide how much of my energy others get and more importantly what kind of energy they get.
          Heres the Pith of the Matter that I realised concerning all of this.  We cannont have love with out hate.  We cannot know true joy with out anger.  We unfortuneatly need to compare and contrast.  It is when people dont really SEE the importance of the comparrisons and contrasts that problems begin.   I think when some one doesnt understand that anger is there to remind us to appreciate and work towards love and compassion there is a problem.  I also think there is an appropriate way to express anger...which I wont rehash Im pretty sure its in another blog.  I have decided that when I start beleiving that people suck not only is it important to take time to be alone and meditate, but more importantly to reach out and take a reality check with persons who think and feel as we do.  Its so revitalizing to here that others feel the same way.  That others go through the same kinds of things.  To know that we are not alone.  So you know that angry woman on the elevator?  Well Ill continue to smile at her and be polite because not doing, or being, so would go against who I am.  And in order to get from this life to the next I believe in karma.  I am still striving for that yellow butterfly in my back yard.  Although on some level I kind feel that I will come back in another human services role where I can continue to do what I love. 
Peace out.

58. Yathā saṅkāradhānasmiṃ
ujjhitasmiṃ mahāpathe
Padumaṃ tattha jāyetha
sucigandhaṃ manoramaṃ.
59. Evaṃ saṅkārabhūtesu
andhabhūte puthujjane
Atirocati paññāya
sammāsambuddhasāvako.
Which means:
58. As upon a heap of rubbish,
Thrown out by the highway,
May grow a lotus
Delightful and of pure scent,
59. So, among defiled beings,
Among blind, unawakened beings,
The disciple of the Fully and Perfectly Awakened One
Shines with wisdom.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Its My Husbands Fault

        


           I hate the idea of placing blame.  To me it serves no purpose, well no good one anyways.  But its interesting how blame will creep into your life when your not looking.  Seriously.  Things get stressfull and hectic and before you know it you, or a loved one, is looking for some one to be accountable.  Blame.  Recently I found my self doing it.  Gasp!  I know!  Whats worse is the whole time I told my self I was completely justified.  I mean some one has to be blamed right?  Wrong.  This is what I figured out.  As usual I will start with a story.
          There are three stressful times during a school year for everyone I beleive.  The first two weeks of school while you are adjusting to the schhedule, the instructors, and the work load.  Mid terms, self explanatory I think; and then finals, once again no detail needed.  Never fails during these three times of the year when I feel that my loved ones should be a little more supportive then usual all hell will break loose.  Not kidding hell.  People loose jobs, cars break down, there isnt enough money, people need money, people get sick, dogs get sick etc. etc.  So during times where I feel I should be able to take a slight break from the day to day maintenance of the house etc. I instead end up taking on more then I bargained for.  I dont say then I can handle, because in all honesty Im a little selfish that way.  I like to be/feel successful so I usually only do as much as I know I can deal with.  BUT never fails; I still become over tired, stressed, grouchy, then inevitably pissed off and start looking for some one to blame.  Who unfortunetly, and as in all good marriages, ends up being my hubby. 
          If you think I am writing this as a form of apology you would be kind a right.  But it is mostly a form of praise.  Who else can look at me, lovingly, and tell me Im being a bitch and to "f" off?  Uh no one but him and get away with it.  ;)   Yes I am not perfect.  And in all the blogs where I try to make my self look as such this one is here to remind me that I am not.  I am human.  I feel sorry for my self some times.  I feel like the world is dealing me all the shit it can find and to test me for what?  Well I cant remember and dont feel like trying to remind my self.  But then my ever loving of 31 years comes along and will evnetually remind me.  It usually doesnt start off pretty but by the end I remember. 
          Yes I hate to blame.  In the end I think we get angry and look for someone else to blame because quite frankly it is far easier then blaming our selves.  In every circumstance, whether it is good or bad, how those circumstances get dealt with, how we choose to look at them is up to us.  So ultimately if things feel shitty it is our fault.  I have stated before it is human nature to feel tired, burnt out etc. with life in general.   I am going through a phase where I kinda dislike people.  And why?  Well because I am tired.  Trying to stay optimistic, and praising most of the time is hard.  Add feeling physically not 100% on top of it and your world can go to crap in a hurry. 
         During these times I feel it is necessary that we hold onto the people we love and our spirituality.  So time for me to go meditate on the assholes of the world who insist on making it so difficult for the rest of us and turn that last statement into the universe is great and large and in it we are less then a speck.  I will drop the "I".   Everything works out the way it is suppose to in the end.  We go from fighting the good fight for 50 years to finally realizing that that particular fight has ended and a new one is beginning.   We wonder if we will have the energy that we had the first 50.  Then when the blame ends we realise that yes the second half may be even a more full filling fight and that we are not alone.  For me I have my hubby and he has me.  He has been and always will be the constant love in my life.  That love keeps me centered and whole.  The Pith of the Matter?  Meh...I think I need to explain it to you in further detail do you?

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Legend of the Smiley Blanket

       
 "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -Einstein
"Tell me and I forget.  Teach me and I remember.  Involve me and I learn."  Benjamin Franklin


           I have told this story so often that I have decided it is time to put it into writing.  It is a true story and a great example of how to use a teachable moment with humor.  What is a teachable moment you ask? http://www.pba.org/programming/programs/focusoned/2132/
My hubby and I are, for the most part, pretty laid back parents.  Yeah, we yell some times, we get angry sometimes, but there has never been a parenting instance where we have not been thoughful in discipling and/or teaching our now grown sons.  If we are too upset to teach/discipline appropriately we wait till we are.  We have made some mistakes, (none that left scars according to our sons) but some times we make such great parenting choices that they are almost historic.  We feel honestly, and not so humbly, that they should be passed on in oral tradition from generation to generation.  This is one such story.

          When our youngest son was around 10 years of age, and before our adopted son was in the picture, we had a chance to take him to Florida.  We decided to go to Disney World, ten being the age for boys where going to the Magic Kingdom is almost not cool.  Thank goodness for Space Mountain.  Our eldest son was around 17 and decided he was to old to go and wanted to stay home...alone.  After some conversation between hubby and I, me and eldest, hubby and eldest and finally me, hubby and eldest, we decided to let him, for the first time ever, stay home with out a chaparone.  uh yeah....
          My hubby and I are not fools; we are aware that the majority of teenagers left home alone are going to have a party.  (Both hubby and I can speak from experience and wisdom in this area.)  So instead of preaching, and yelling, to him about all the cons of making this "party" choice we just gave him permission.  Now now before you start reprimanding me read on. We also told him that if we found out he and/ or his friends were loud, and/or disrespectful, to the neighbors, and/or that the police showed up, and/or anyone was arrested, and/or something got broken, damaged and/ or destroyed, etc.etc. that there would be consequences not only to him, but his friends; all of whom we knew very well.  By the way make sure you throw in consequences to friends.  In teens peer approval and acceptance is important.  If they know that you will not only talk to their friends parents, but to their friends also, they are more apt to make good choices.  Once again I have to re-emphasize that all of this works only when using a sense of humor, respect, petience, and your whisper voice.
          So... we leave town and had a great vacation.  A week later we came home to a clean house!?!  Huh... we thought... suspicious. Yeah there were a few dirty dishes in the sink, but no biggy.  We looked around the house carefully thinking,"gee may be he didnt have a party?"  Then we found blue frosting in the crevices of things like the door wall, and a few other places that I can't recall...,but trust me it was around. We asked our eldest about it and he admitted that he had had a birthday party for a friend; there was a cake fight that he quickly put an end to and made his friends clean up.  Nothing was broken, house was clean,(he cleaned up what was missed), no bad reports from neighbors, or the few friends that we had asked to keep an eye on him, and the house,...so...all in all the independance challange was a success!
          THEN our youngest came out of his room, the same day that all of the above took place, and asked who's smiley face blanket was that on his bed?  Our eldest nonchalantly replies a friend of his (I am not using real names to protect the guilty; so for the sake of story telling we will call him Timmy.) stayed a few nights while we were gone.  Once again no biggy; we liked this kid hes a sweet boy.       
          About 24 hours go by and our youngest comes out of his room, very quiet, and subdued, and blushing from head to toe.  He quietly shares that their are condom wrappers in his room.  Needless to say the bed was immediateley stripped and washed.  I asked our eldest about this, he admitted that his friend, "Timmy", had "hooked up" with a girl while he stayed. 
          sigh...  To make a long story short...I beleive that embarrassment, if used properally, is a good dicsipline technique for adolescents.  I mean they have to understand that some times the consequences of their actions is embarrassment.  I also beleive that if they are going to put me into an embarrassing situation then fair is fair...Im going to share it with them.  ;)  I also beleived this was an excellent teachable moment not only for our sons but for their friends.  I believed then, and still do, that it takes a village.  I knew most of my sons friends parents and I knew that they would view most anything that I, and my hubby, did with a sense of humor and appreciation.  The beginnings of a plan began to hatch with my hubby and I.

http://discipline.about.com/od/typesofdiscipline/a/What-Is-Gentle-Discipline.htm
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/embarrass?s=t
(A side note here.  When I talk about embarrassment I do not mean using embarrassment to hurt a child/teen.  If that has happened it was used wrong.  One of the deffinitions of embarrass is to make difficult or intricate, as a question or problem; complicate, to put obstacles or difficulties in the way of; impede.  Remember the most important things that teens are learning is critcial thinking, problem solving and communication.  Some times to embarrass means to confront teens with problems/ obsticles that they would just as soon not deal with.  Like sex, drugs, etc.  These are difficult problems and will be embarrassing for everyone involved.  But once again I ask who do you want them to learn from?  These are opportunities; dont let them pass you by.)

          My eldest, and his friends, hung out at the local comic/card gaming store.  One evening when I knew they would all be up there, I went up.  They were use to seeing me around and didnt think it strange that I was popping in.  This time I had with me the smiley face blanket however.  There faces went from happy to...this is the only way I can describe it...,"oh shit" with heads lowered, eyes diverted, and blushing faces. I walked up to the friend in queston, Timmy, and said,"Timmy I want to thank you for leaving some items in my youngest sons room and putting my husband and I in the postion to have a converstaion with him regarding premarital sex that we didnt want to have with him right now.  (Technically we had had the conversation already but they didnt know that.) With that in mind I am keeping the smiley face blanket as payment."  Everyone burst out laughing, Timmy turned red, and with a smile apologized.  That was the end of that; until about three years later.   (Thank goodness I kept that blanket.)
          We were now living in Florida and our eldest was 20 or 21.  I was working, my hubby was traveling still and our youngest was in Junior high.  One day I come home from work and was told by my youngest, who by the way was pissed off at his big brother for some reason or another and decided to not keep the secret anymore, that his brother had been bringing a girl home and having sex with her for the last three days while I was at work.  sigh....again
          Well, once again condencing the story, I told my eldest in a nice respectful tone of voice (and after listening to the brothers lob comments like duche bag, and butt head, and a variety of other names for about 10 minutes) that he was not to do this anymore.  I explained that this was a marital house, it belonged to his father and I, and in this house in order to have sex you had to be married. (Think about this statemtn for a minute...I was basically supporting only having sex when you are married, but also sharing that he was an adult, well in body if not in spirit, and if he wanted to engage in premarital sex then go some place else.  The choice and responsiblitly was his; along with deciding how to be respectful.)  I also humorously told him that if I wasnt having sex, because his dad was out of town, our eldest son was not going to have it either.  He could go pay for a hotel room.  I then of course shared that I really didnt want to be a grandma and that I hope he was making good choices.  I also shared that he was welcome to bring this girl home, whom we will call "Sydney" for the storys sake, when I was home.  Infact because he was having sex with her in my home he was obligated to bring her home now.  Well he huffed, and pouted a little, but both my sons are good respectful people.  He apologized and agree'd to the conditions.
          A couple of days later he brings "Sydney" home and introduces her.  They hang out, watch tv., and snuggle on the couch.  I am doing laundry, washing, as it just so happens, the smiley face blanket.  Then it comes to me like a flock of song birds, the bells started ringing, horns were honking, all the whistles were blowing, and monks were chanting loudly high up on a mountain.
           I take the blanket, walk into the front room and unfolding the blanket and holding it up for her to see, say,"Hey Sydney did Dan ever tell you the legend of the smiley face blanket?"  Dan looks at me and says very quietly, with a slightly amused look on his face,"I hate you." because he knows Im about to use the embarrasment discipline technique.  Our youngest son is in the next room playing on his puter, but, you can tell that he is suddenly listening very closely because you can no longer hear the key board being used. (Which also proves that siblings do learn from each other.)  Sydney giggles a little because our eldest had said he hates me humoursly and I think she knows that she is in for a treat.
          I proceed to share how I inherited the smiley face blanket in all its glorious detail.  When I was done I looked at her and asked,"You know what the moral of the story is?"  Both she and my son look at me slighty nervously and she says,"no" I reply,"If you have sex in my home I get to keep something that belongs to you."  I stood there straight faced for a couple of seconds....then she burst out laughing.  My eldest repeats,"I hate you." 
          Never again have any of my sons had sex in mine and my hubbys home.  Its not that we are prudes.  My husband and I lived together for at least a year before we were engaged, almost two total before we were married.  But my husband will tell you that he knew I was the one.  In fact he told a priest once, when asked how did he justify living with me,"well its not like Im copping a piece of ass or anything I love her and Im going to marry her."  I wanted to crawl under the table; the priest smiled and says its ok honey it was a good answer.
          As parents I think the price we pay for mistakes in our youth is being slightly hypocrtical.  Yes we lived together, yes we had sex before we were married, do we condone and support you doing the same?  No.  Why?  Well because if we did you could be one of those thousands of baby daddys out there.  Do we know the statistics of pre martial sex among teens?  Yes.  Are we aware that you probably will engage in sex despite us teaching you the reasons not too?  Yes.  BUT we also know that teaching you to make good choices in this area will keep you from becoming a parent before you are ready.
          Of course being a social worker and telling them storys of young single parents, taking them to work with me when I was working in child care, and talking to them, in uncomfortable, embarrssing detail concerning sex, didnt hurt either.  (BTW the discomfort and embarrassment was on their part, my hubby and I enjoyed all of this.) The bottom line is that creative parenting with humor is a far better teaching tool then screaming and yelling at them.
          I have known many moms that have run out and gotten their daughters on birth control as soon as they know, or even suspect, that their child is having sex.  I am actually for this.  What I am against is just giving it to the child with out really asking some questions first and/or engageing in conversation.  Ask questions about the person they are with.  What are their likes, dislikes, etc etc.  what do you two do together other than sex.  We want to meet him/her.  I don't care if its not serious; you are having sex bring them over. 
          The point is you help your child understand that while sex feels great and everyone, for the most part, engages in it, there is a way to be confident and healthy about it.  We dont want out sons to use women for sex.  And we dont want our daughters to think that they have to have sex with every guy they are with in order to feel liked and/or loved.  Sex while it feels good is a way for two people, who genuinly care about each other, to be close, bond, and form a family.  The bottom line also is that now a days you can die from sex.  There are many sexually transmitted deseases out there that can either prevent you from ever having sex again, or ending your life.  Truth.
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/talk-your-teen-son-about-sex
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/talking-to-your-kids-about-sex
http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/ten_tips.aspx
          My sons, for the most part, have been smart about sex.  While they havnt always hooked up with the right girl, they have for the most part been respectful about it.  It has helped them find the right person.
          Males and females think differently about sex.  Of course there are exceptions to these rules, but there is a norm, yes an actual measurement concerning sex, age, and the people who engage in it, and why.  Males consider sex to be just that.  A physical enjoyment.  Men have sex to release stress.  Women on the other hand, usually, have sex because they want to form and emotional attachment.  They have to be relaxed to have sex, hence the idea of fore play.  When talking to our sons about sex we let them know that not only is there the chance of making a child, but there is an even greater chance of forming an emotional attachment with the girl they were with.  You know that statement,"them bitches be crazy?"  Well if you had sex with them, led them on to believe that there was some kind of emotional attachment between the two of you then you dump them with little to no explanation them bitches will be crazy.  I blame you not the girl.  Technically the girl is behaving, according to the norm, apporpriately.   I also dont have respect for the guy who bascially trys to make the excuse that he is just acting out his primevil urges.  There is such a thing called evolution.  Bowing to your base urges is basically admitting that you have not evolved.  If that is the case then you are not intellegent enough to argue this point.
           To be fair females dont get a by on this mind set either.  If they understand that men do not think about sex like females do; then they should think carefully before having sex with someone. Especially some one whom you would like to be intimate, emotionally, mentally and physically, with.
          Historically attitudes concerning sex have been on one end of the scale to the other.  Either being puritanical or completely free with it.  May be its time to be some where in the middle?  In our house hold we are fortunate enough to have the smiley face blanket as a visual on how to accomplish a happy, respectful middle ground.  Now that I have njoyed myself relateing an uncomfoartable and embarrassing topic.  And know that I have been successful in reminding my sons, and their friends, (many of whom are parents themselves now) about a memory perhaps some of them would like to forget, I hope they can look back now and laugh.  By the way...if you want to borrow the smiley face blanket for your future teen one day let me know.  Its in my hope chest.  Peace out.

"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."
 -George Bernard Shaw