Wednesday, May 25, 2011

By request: Award winning essay- The preservation of the Martyr in Me: Moshing

          My first exposure to the mosh pit was when my eldest son was nineteen. He and some friends were telling his father and I about going to a Static X show at the House of Blues in Orlando. I happened to also like Static X and asked him to get his dad and me tickets. His friends then asked, with big grins on their faces, if Joe, my husband, and I would be going into the Mosh Pit. I replied, "God no!" They asked, "Why not?" and I proceeded to share with them all my child development knowledge and insight into why Mosh Pits were harmful. Well needless to say, I was schooled. After my son and their friends spent the next three hours in a heated intellectual discussion of the pro's and con's of a Mosh Pit I decided to do some research on the subject. My conclusion was, Mosh Pits, when practiced in a structured environment are actually beneficial and serve a purpose.
          One of the most obvious arguments for Moshing is dancing. Moshing is actually another form of Slam Dancing. Slam Dancing was another form of a perceived aggressive form of dancing that started in the 1980's. Slam Dancing began with the Punk Rock generation then progressed into another form of dancing called Pogo-ing. Where as slam dancers banged into each other on the dance floor while standing in one place, Pogo dancers jumped up and down on the dance floor all over the place. Mosher's do a bit of both. Another form of Moshing includes something called, Windmilling; where a person will spin his arms around wildly while sometimes adding spin kicks. Windmilling is not usually allowed in most pits because it does injure other Mosher's.
          Each generation has expressed itself through one form of dance or another. Each and every generation also has its own form of rebellious dance form. From the Charleston, to the Twist, to the Watusi. Even the Waltz, which now is considered the most civilized form of dance, was in its time considered rebellious. Before the Walt people never danced so closely together. Dancing continues to be not only a creative and physical outlet for the youth of every generation, but a customary form of rebellion.
          Which leads me to the next argument for Moshing, physical contact. I have been in child development working with all ages of youth, from infants up to early adults, for over twenty years. One thing that has always fascinated me was the ritual of physical contact between young males and females. Youth, of all ages, are not really encouraged to touch each other nicely. Adults, for whatever reasons, mostly perceive hand holding, hugging, and especially kissing, as precursors to sex.; even though children have no concept of what sex really is until around age nine. Children are left getting positive physical affection mostly at home. If a child comes from a dysfunctional home where there is no physical affection, or worse, only physical abuse, then the child could actually crave human contact. Many kids from the ages of three and up hit, push, shove and kick each other almost out of affection. Adults then step in and teach them how to appropriately touch others and use their words instead of their hands. How can this approach to appropriate touching be used when open shows of affection are not role modeled with tolerance? We are raising generations of physically frustrated and confused adolescent's.
          In a Mosh pit adolescent's are allowed to not only touch each other but to do it in a form that releases the stresses of their lives. There is evidence that suggests that when a person gets impact to the joints and stress to the muscles that the happy hormones in the body are released. This leaves Mosher's feeling calm, sedated and satisfied. The same feelings that come from receiving appropriate physical contact. Does this mean that everyone who participates in a Mosh Pit has a penchant for violence and/or aggression? I think it is more likely that the youth of today have found a safe, creative outlet for their rebellious phase, and an acceptable phenomenon for the form of physical contact that they have been taught is more socially acceptable then public shows of affection. If we do not approve of this form of bonding then perhaps it is time to encourage positive forms of human contact without guilt and shame attached to them.
          The bridge in pyschosocial,a song written by Slipknot reads,"And the rain will kill us all, If we throw ourselves against the wall, But no one else can see, The preservation of the martyr in me." The wall could symbolize the wall we all hit when we have no place else to go. Or it could be the wall that takes place during a Mosh Pit. The Mosh Pit wall is a line of people who set themselves up in a circle and then throw someone back into the pit or pick up someone up who has fallen. It symbolizes how our youth band together in surprising ways to help each other when we least expect it. It is another way to say, "get back in there and try again douche" or "dude, I got your back."  The chorus from Psychosocial also screams of how our youth perceives their adult role models as hypocrites and the walking dead.
           In a Mosh the adolescents of today have found another outlet. An outlet for their anger towards society and the adult role models in their lives. It is completely age appropriate for youth to find outlets that are completely out of the norm of society. In todays world where kids have to pay extra to participate in music and art programs; where they are told what to believe instead of given the tools to make their own choices and when they are faced with violence, not only on television, but in their homes and neighborhoods; why does the concept of a Mosh Pit come as such a surprise to people? My son's friends, some of whom come from less then satisfactory home environments, came straight out and said, "Which would you rather have me doing, participating in a Mosh Pit or fighting and possibly killing someone out on the street?" Quite a thought. Presented with that question I relented and decided that a Mosh Pit was definitely the lesser of the evils. Of course we would love to see all the young people we know, and care for, feeling happy, being successful and using, what society perceives as, acceptable behavior; but I believe that most people know what is right and wrong and want to find the best possible solutions for the challenges in their lives. For some the Mosh Pit is the place.
          All this led me to ask my son why he wanted to go to a Mosh Pit? I did not think he came from a family that would make him feel so angry inside that he needed to dance around in a Mosh Pit banging wildly into strangers. He, and his friends then explained this to me. They perceived the world as a angry, hypocritical place; full of role models who say one thing but do another. The Mosh Pit is the definition of hypocrisy. I was genuinely surprised at the profound thinking associated with this statement coming from people so young. All these young adults are going to school for psychology, teaching, anthropology, social work and other people related fields. I, for one, am pleased with the idea that they will be the ones caring for me and the world I live in, in my old age.
          I do not advocate the Mosh Pit for everyone, my youngest son has no interest in participating in one, his rebellions lie in other areas. I do believe that, as the role models for our youth, before we judge something, it is important that we learn as much about it as we can before we pass judgment and tell them it is wrong. There are a good many young people out there that know exactly what they are doing and want to be acknowledged for it. The final words in Pychosocial are, "The limits of the dead, the limits of the dead." I do not want to be one of the dead that puts down limits. I want to be one of the living role models that learn by listening, are tolerant, ask questions, and value experience.
         My husband and I did go to that concert. My husband even joined in on the wall of the Mosh Pit and helped many young people back on their feet. That night we earned the respect of my son and his friends because we did not pass judgment on their choices. We stayed open minded and adventured out to a new experience. They asked how we liked it, my husband said he enjoyed the wall, but because of his age, wouldn't be making a habit of it. I said that Moshing was not for me, I don't inflict pain if I can help it. The looks on their faces were thoughtful. The experience, as a whole, ended up being one that I will always remember. Mosh Pits do serve a purpose, no one was hurt; anyone participating in hurtful behavior was ejected from the pit by security. Every single person leaving the House of Blues that night was smiling, calm and respectful. The purpose of the Mosh Pit was served.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You can speak.

       
"The word is not just a sound or a written symbol.  The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life.  You can speak."
The Four Agreements- by Don Miguel Ruiz

         Have you ever met one of those people who is motivated by anger?  There seems to be alot of them out there these days.  They are in the grocery stores, specifically Walmart's, yelling at their kids or some poor unsuspecting peon who is just doing their job.   They are on the roads, screaming at you for taking to long to turn into a parking space that has a person pulling out of it or honking like a mad person when you are driving the speed limit.  They are at school complaining about teachers, school work, and not getting enough financial aid to pay their bills or buy gorcery's.  (I thought financial aid was suppose to pay for education?) They are yelling at you for getting their order wrong or not refilling their prescription.  When asked why they are expending so much negative emotionI these people state out loud, and with an entitled attitude, that anger "works for them."  I'm going to debate that.  :P It may work for them but it doesn't work for everyone around them.
          Anger is defined as a feeling of displeasure and billergerance aroused by a wrong, it is also grief, or trouble.    Grief is mental suffereing afflicted over pain or loss; and trouble is to disturb the mental calm of, to worry, to feel distress, to agitate or to be agitated.   Does this mean that person's choosing to communicate in, or with, anger are choosing to use a behavior that is not only distructive to themselves, but to many around them?   Why do people choose this route?  If given a choice I'de personally choose peace any day.  Life is so much happier when peace is involved.  
          Don't get me wrong, I think anger has its place.  It is completely appropriate to feel and express anger when a wrong has been done.  I don't even think the wrong need be done to you in order to feel anger.  How many people feel anger when we hear about hate crimes?  Or a person using faith to further their own personal agenda?   My husband has played a game with me for years.  He will search cable to find news on a hate crime just to watch me storm.  I realize the hypocrisy of this.  I am feeding the emotion of hate and anger by having the same emotions.  But it does bring up feelings of anger in me when I feel injustices towards an individuals rights.  And hate crimes are HUGE injustices to some ones rights.  We have the right to express ourselves at the top of our lungs how much we dislike, or hate a person's culture, religion, education, beliefs etc. We also have the right to turn our back on what somebody is saying and walk away with out fear of having our skull bashed in when our back is turned.   NOBODY has the right to hurt someone or take a life for any reason.  America is about free speech, NOT free suffereing.
          America is all about dreams.  Those dreams were written down into words for everyone to read. Visualize if everyone made a conscious effort to speak with authenticity, and respect to everyone.   In the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz he talks about four basic "agreements" that we make with ourselves in order, to basically, live peacefully with each other.  The first one is,"be impeccable with your word."  Wow.  I gave this some thought.  The obvious deffinition is be polite, and respectful, never cause harm to another by gossiping.   Then there is honesty and truthfullness, which I covered in another blog.  But the deeper meaning is to use language in a way that you can feel good about yourself everyday.  That is true freedom of speech.  To have complete confidence in what you speak, and what you hear to the point that none of it will cause harm.  Is it possible for someone who chooses to communicate from a place of constant anger to use words impeccably?  If they can what is their motivation for doing so?  Again we are back to the deffinition of anger and trouble.
          It is a challange to face all that we do in a single day and not feel a single negative emotion.  Everyone is faced with anger and hate, no one is subject to more or less; and no one has the right to judge if their anger is greater then someone elses.  Feelings are one of the true things in life that we can call our own and no one can take from us.  What is different, from person to person, is how we choose to deal with those feelings.  Hate is an easy emotion.  It is so much easier to pass judgement, gossip, feel anger, pessimism and disappoinment then to forgive, understand, praise and be optimisitc.  The high road takes work and alot of thinking, and thinking can be exhausting.
          Think about all this a step farther into the future.  What about children?  Freedom of choice does not apply to children, who are subject to the feelings, thoughts and choices of the adult role models around them.  They do not have a choice in the anger they are forced to endure and more importantly learn.  To the angry role models in childrens lives I have a scarey thought for you.  They grow up you know.
          At some point in everyones lives a choice has to be made.  Perhaps at one time anger was appropriate.  Perhaps it was a defense mechanism, or a survival technique.  Perhaps it was the outcome of unresolved grief.  What ever the reason for the anger at some time it has to stop.  Someone once told me that unresolved anger leads to depression which leads to anxiety.   There are an awful lot of people out there on anti depresants and anxiety meds.   Doesn't anyone know how to cope anymore?
          One of the best ways to cope is to use your voice and let your word be spoken.  The best way to do that is impeccably.  With honesty, and respect.  Not for the other person, although it does help, but for youself.   I remember teaching a young father, who had just been released from jail, how to communicate better.  He had gone to jail for a physical altercation where he had hurt someone.  He tried to convince me that words would not have made a difference.  At the time he had a two year old son, he had not been in his sons life for a year because he was in jail.  I asked him if words could give him that year back would they make a difference.  I also asked him what he wanted his son to learn, because his son was watching him.   The father made a choice.  He learned that he could use words very effectively.  After practicing he related how he had difused many altercations at work, between friends, out on the streets, and in his own home.   He gained a sense of pride and respect for himself.  This one simple thing improved this young mans life.  He got a job, went back to school, improved his relationships and became the dad that he wanted his son to be proud of.
          Here's the pith of the matter. Words, what we say and how we use them.  Anger does not work.  I advocate feeling angry, but expressing it in a healthy manner appropriatly.   More importantly in moderation.   I personally do not listen to someone who is yelling, screaming, or spitting in my face while they are trying to tell me what they need.  I also don't listen to someone who complains all the time, and who thinks the world is out to get them.  Choose not to be a victim.  Be proactive, be optimistic, use your word impeccably, be polite, use your good listening skills, and put a smile on your face.  Then you can speak.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Little Rant Over Something Big

          Did the public school system stop teaching certain subjects or are people just not paying attention?   It never ceases to amaze me how much people choose not to know.  They are things that I have, to my embarrassment, taken for granted.   Like who is Edger Allen Poe?   The history of the Kennedy's?  How some of our most definable historical scientific inventions started in science FICTION novels.   Who is Big Brother? These were things that I learned in high school!!! 
          I was not a great student.  I was not even a good student in high school. (Im sure my high school friends could back me up on this one.)  So given that I know more then some people that are in my classes and I was a poor student I need to ask.  WHAT the HELL???
          There are growing concerns, voiced by some, that the government is purposely cutting back on our educational system in order to control society.  History does provide us with plenty of examples regarding cultures being controlled through a lack of education.  Meh...I don't know about that.  This is America, we have the freedom to choose and speak up about our education.  So why, WHY is this happening?
          Time for us to find our voice again!  Time for everyone to speak up when they think they are not recieving the education they deserve.   MORE importantly!  Time for everyone to read again for gosh sakes.  Remember that place called a library?  It is full of books of all kind.  Go to it!  Check out a book and build some brain cells!!!  So when you choose to speak up you actually know what the heck you are speaking about!!
...who is Edger Allen Poe?   geesh

Im done...thank you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Daughter

          I am a mom.  A mom of two sons, well three, two natural, one adopted.  Then there are the wide circle of my sons friends who call me mom.  It is a compliment.   I have been a mom for 25 years, and it is far and away the most rewarding job I have ever had the pleasure to have.   While I have loved this job I have a secret.   I have harbored secret jealousy's over friends with daughters.  Well mabey this is not such a secret.   Until recently I have been the only female in my immeidate family.  About a year ago my eldest found the one and I got a daughter.   For years I have fantasized about having one, but no one could ever have explained adequately that having a daughter would be such a joy!
          My life for the most part has been filled with little boy, and then "guy" things.   For awhile there I knew every make of every car on the road thanks to Matchbox and Hotwheels.   I knew where the car isles in every Toys-R-Us in almost every city of every state were.   Some times, just for fun, I would make my guys walk down the Barbie Isle with me.  No one could leave until I had closely scrutinized every designer Barbie.  I still feel a loss for not purchasing the Scarlet O'Hara Barbie.  But where would it fit into all the guy stuff in my home?  At some point she would have ended up being the giant southern bell beast smashing cars through a block city modeled after New York City and the Empire State Building.
          The walls in my house have always been dripping with testosterone.   Until the last five years the house was never clean.   There were always shoes every where any and a line of dirty foot prints leading up to where the shoes should not have been.   T-shirts hastily removed and thrown onto any surface large enough to hold them.  First there were small cars littering the floors; then there were large cars littereing the driveway.  Pop bottles empty, or half drank, empty bags or half eaten bags of whatever, glasses, plates, bowls, napkins, socks, DVD's, CD's, computers, and computer parts, are all part of a short list of things that I picked up on almost a daily basis.  Chairs moved to a better postion in the front room in order to play the newest racing game, or shooting game.  Friends coming in and out, spending the night, and always eating.  Boys appitites are much bigger then girls; there never seemed to be enough food.
          Radio Shack use to be a favorite family outing.  We saw every car show that came into town, and every action movie.  (I still silent thank yous for them never being remotely interested in WWF.) If we did something cultural, like going to a museum, I had to make sure that there were exhibits of guns, cars, dinosaurs, bugs, rocks, electronics and all things testosterone.  Of course I would stealth in paintings, historical clothing, toys, (specifically dolls) and other forms of art that the males would not be apt to go see with out me, but in order to keep their attention I had to be prepared to creatively share information about anything "female" in a way that my males would respect.  I was always pleasenlty surprised to find that they would stop, look and listen intently to what the little plaque had to say about these "girly" things.  They would even ask questions!
          They played soccer, wrestled,  did gymnastics, Boyscouts (for nine years), hiked, camped, road bikes, sledded down mountain sides (I stayed home and manned the hot chocolat for that one) went to parks and climbed the tallest playground structure they could find (stayed home for that too).   They had home made swords and shields, big dogs to attack, then knock them down and slobber happily all over their faces.   During monsoon rains I dressed them up in rain ponchos and boots and sent them off with buckets, shovels, and little plastic boats to play happily in the rain and mud.  They dug rivers and lakes, jumped into puddles and then couldn't come back into the house until the mud was washed off of them.  Despite my efforts the bath tub always needed a cleaning afterwards anyways.
          Then they started growing up.   They learned to drive and started spending more time away from home.   Always making sure to bring friends home for us to meet to ease their mommy's worries of who were they with and what were they doing.   They grudgingly followed the who, what, where and when, of going out, staying out late and using our cars. They moved out then home again.  They went off to college, got jobs and met girls.  The home became cleaner and neater; there was less to do for others and more time to do for myself.  My husband and I have dates nights again and we no lonager have to budget for a babysitter. Sometimes I find myself, out of habit and nostalgia, stearing muy car into the parking lot of a Radio Shack.  I go in and just stand in the middle of the store, with a single tear hovering precariously, ready at any minute to dribble down my cheek, while some where off in the distance a sales man repeats,"Maam can I help you?  Maam can I help you?..."
          Then, one day, they meet the girl that they want to spend the rest of their lives with; and I get that daughter Ive always dreamed of.  :)  All understanding for the experiences we have in life always come after the fact.   We never really understand why we travel the path we are on.  We just walk it as steadily as possible, throwing the rocks and branches out of the way as we go.   It is the journey not the destination; do your best while on that path and you will get to where you are suppose to be going.  After the journey of raising my sons I understand that no only do you have to experience the transitions of your children growing up to prepare you for their moving out, but the transition that comes afterwards is to prepare you for a daughter.
          It is hard to share the joys of a daughter, when you have never had one, with out sounding all silly about it.   Mother's with daughters look at you with that look that says,"you poor dear you just don't have a clue do you?"  When my son first brought the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with home, I am not shy to say, that after they left both my husband and I knew that she was family.   The joy I felt, and still feel, is not just the relief of knowing that someone has finally taken him off our hands.  :P  It comes from seeing that all those years of giving up a portion of my femaleness was not for nothing.  
          I have admittedly felt awkward around another female in my male dominated home.   Haveing another female here on a regular basis for holidays, special events, and family dinners was, at first, not only different for me, but interesting.  I found myself observeing her closely, not to see if she was right for my son, but because she was something new for me.   I had forgotten what having another female in the home was like, even though I grew up with two sisters.   Her perspective, her warmth, her smile, her laugh, her love, her voice and her sheer presence has brought a warmth to my home that I didn't realize was missing.  Is this what having a daughter is like?  My home was never lacking for love, even during the really tough times.   What a joy to have another famale around who understands what being female is!   Then it happened, and quite with out warning; it genuinly through me for a loop.
         This year for my birthday, I recieved the first handmade gift in years, since my sons were little and still in elementary school.   My future daughter in law used a cigar box and decorated it inside and out.  It has my favorite colors in it, it is lined and it reflects me.  I never knew that in, what I considered to be such a short amount of time, that she had payed attention to who I was as a person, and not just a mom.  This is what having a daughter is about.   While I have loved my sons dearly, and still continue to, girls are different from boys.  My sons have given me many wonderful gifts.  My youngest is very adept at choosing well thought out gifts.  But for some reason recieving this beautifully decorated box from my sons girlfriend was different.  I didn't know that, really, until my son brought this wonderful girl home.  
          There is a quiet natural understanding between females.  Our men do or say things and we will look at each other quietly with looks that say,"sigh...I know honey, just take a deep breath."  Having a daughter in law has made me remember evenings alone with my sisters while we giggled and talked until my parents told us to go to bed.   I have heard other women complain about their daughters in law.  They don't like anything about them, they don't like the way they take care of their sons, keep house, cook, etc. etc.   This is what I have to say about that;  no one takes care of my sons but my sons, and the relationships that they choose reflect that.   The women in their lives are smart, independant, outspoken, self confident and beautiful individuals.  
          Some times, in the past, like all females, I have had dark days.  Days where I have pondered why am I doing all of this?  When Ive had to pick up one too many socks, when Ive had to load the dishwasher with dishes that are piled on the same counter as the dishwasher, when I want to go see the latest "chick flick" with my family and they all rebel.   It all comes full circle eventually.  What I put on hold to move my sons forward has now come back to me tenfold.  The best gift I have ever recieved from my sons is their success in life and relationships.  The little handmade box is a reflection of that, that I will treasure forever.   Having a daughter is a gift from my son that I will always cherish, nothing will ever come close to it, well except mabey grandchildren one day. :P  It is not just that she is a daughter to me; she is a wonderful human being that has choosen to accept my son, and his family into her life unconditionally.  She is family adn I finally have the daughter that I have always dreamed of.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Thanks for Nothing!

There is nothing like a great instumental peace (yes I spelled it wrong on purpose) of music.
There is nothing like a great peace of written work. (did it there to :P)
There is nothing like a great conversation.
There is nothing like a great mind.
There is nothing like a good ear.
There is nothing like a good cry.
There is nothing like a free flowing pen.
There is nothing like a perfectly positioned chair.
There is nothing like a deep cleansing breath.
There is nothing like a perfect warm sunny day.
There is nothing like birds singing happily.
There is nothing like love in the eyes you are looking into.
There is nothing like a smile.
There is nothing like a hug.
There is nothing like a warm hand.
There is nothing like the smell of sandlewood.
There is nothing like a prayer on the wind.
There is nothing...
Else