Deserving What We Get

Is Fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts        



          I think that if we dont pay close enough attention we miss what the universe is trying to teach us.  I also think that the lessons dont usually come in brief,"Holy fuck!" moments for the most part.   I think when the universe wants us to really absorb something it teaches us through a series of random events that we are suppose to piece together.  So... if your really not paying any attention and not giving any thought to your day to day life you could miss...well...life and what we are meant to learn, and teach, and share.
          Being Buddhist I am focused on the idea of Karma alot.  Ive blogged about it before I know, but it is a never ending developing concept.  In its simplest form it is do unto others as you would have them do unto you; or be kind to everyone.  Simple, easy rules for everyone to abide by even if you are not Buddhist.   But for the Buddhist Karma is an intricate part of day to day life.  It requires thought, and an active, involved participation.  It is giving thought to the quote,"Is fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?"   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fate?s=t
          I am responsible for my Karma only; not any one elses.  Karma is kinda like your soul.  Christians focus on the soul and making sure it reaches heaven.  Buddhists focus on their Karma and making sure that they eventually reach nirvana and end the cycle of reincarnation.  In christianity God is the light, in Buddhism I am the light.  Before anyone starts screaming blasphamy this means that I am responsible to me for my choices in life. Karma.  This idea has evolved for me lately and it is after a few random events that I finally am able to put it into words. 
          The first event is my son and his wife have moved out of state.  They are progressing forward in their life and building their life together.  Making and defining their own family.   I have found myself in a strange place.  While I am very happy for them I feel a loss.  I am truley done being a mother to this son.  He doesnt need me any more.  I have been a mother for 27 years; while I have had other occupations being a parent has been the longest one.  I have never changed professions in this area, have never been fired, have never quit, and have, for the most part, loved every minute of it.  I guess the feeling is the empty nest syndrome? http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome 
          Even though he has not been living at home for some years now, and has been with his wife for about 3 years; this time he will be far away.   A huge part of my life has been caring for and protecting my sons.  He is truley able to provide that to himself and his wife, and they will do this for each other now.   Exactly what we strived for from the day he was born.   Bare with me here, this will tie into Karma trust me.
         The next event is I have reestablished my relationship with my sister after having a few years of no commuhnication.   This is a very good thing.   But in all honesty it has gotten me to thinking about family things that I have chossen not to think about for sometime.  Which is also not such a bad thing also.  You know how it is though...so much easier to not think about them and /or deal with them.  
          Then I watched two movies.  Both very good and which I highly recommmend everyone watching.  One is a documentary called Hitlers Children.
 http://www.moviefone.com/movie/hitlers-children/10081760/main    This movie shows how the deeds, and atrocitys, of Hitlers top leaders of the Nazi regime left a horrble legacy for their familys.   Actual children, grand children, nieces and nephews talk about how bearing the names of such notorious persons has effected their lives.
           The second movie is This Must Be the Place with Sean Penn.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1440345/ 
This is a great movie. 
          So what do they all have in common?  Well Ill tell you.  :)  One of the reasons that I relate to Buddhism is because it is actually scientific and factual. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS2Y1wmg9f8
YES the parables and legends of how Buddhism originated are just that.  (Much like the teachings in the Bibles.)  They are lengthy and repetitive.  But like all great spiritual based literature they do have protions of extreme insight and knowledge that stand the test of time.   It has been scientifically proven however that the ideas of meditations, compassion, and life style are good for individuals and societys.  It has worked for thousands of years and continues to do so.   So when I think, read, and investigate ideas behind Buddhism I like to find the reality of the ideas behind the parables, teachings, and legends.  So lets take Karma.   Here are some sites for you to check out.
http://www.buddhanet.net/tib_heal.htm
http://www.kagyu.org/kagyulineage/buddhism/
http://viewonbuddhism.org/karma.html
          Condensed these all explain that Karma is what encourages us to live a healthy, full filled life.  Use compassion, kindness toward all living things.  Do no harm to yourself and/ or others.   If we live a life full of addictions, suffering, and attachemetns then we are destined to be reincarnated and try again.  This goes on until we get it right.   Sounds very superstitious doesnt it?  All full of mysticism, legends and rumor.  But I recently figured something out that is based on real life.
          When we have children we are technically reincarnated.  Portions of us are given to our children; not only physical features but also morals and values.  We are the role models, and teachers, of life to and for our children.   This is a fact that I have seen often in child development and social work.   Generations of familys with addicaiotns, abuse, neglect, low education, poverty etc. These lifestyles are reincarnated generation after generation. We pass this on to our children.  If we never try to learn for ourselves how to not repeat the mistakes that came before us, the things that were taught to us, reincarnated in us, we are destined to do it again and again.  Makes sense doesnt it?  
          While I was watching Hitlers Children I was especially struck by the grandson of...I cant remember which concentration camp commendant.  (Which is good, need to leave some mystery to the movie for you.)  This grandson was wracked with guilt.  Simply by inheriting the name of his grandfather he inherited the crimes.   He didnt beleive in anything that his grandfather did and was appalled by it all.  The fact that some one who was responsible for his life was such a monster was surreal to him. The other part of this that struck me was actually pretty obvious.  The grandson, and others of the movie talked about the generational abuse; physical, mental and emotional.  A couple of people suggested that it was a mind set that was passed from generation to generation.  Bad Karma reincarnated by choice and it was the people in the movie who were trying to change that.  Alter their Karma.
          During one portion of the movie the grandson was speaking to a group of young jewish people, many of whom looked at him with hate, one of which stood up, and said through tears, that his grand father was responsible for exterminateing her family. He could not reply to this; how could anyone reply to this?  But then a concentration camp surviver, an elderly man walked up to him, numbers tattooed on his arm, walking with a cane, came up to the grandson and hugged him and said its not your fault,"Tell them its not your fault" he said to the grandson.  The grandson broke down and sobbed.  Karma.
          In that moment it occured to me how much worse so many of us could have it.  For all the horrible suffering that I inherited from my family it occured to me that how I choose to handle it is my Karma.  How I choose to live, despite that knowledge, is my Karma.   How my son and his wife choose to live their lives is their Karma.   What matters is living a life full of love and compassion.  Do not harm.
          In the movie This Must Be The Place Sean Penn, Cheyenne, is a burnt out rock star living a humorous and quirky lifestyle.  The movie takes an interesting turn when his father, that he hasnt spoken to in 30 years, dies.  Cheyenne goes back for the funeral and takes up his fathers life quest of finding the German officer who was in charge of Cheyennes fathers concentration camp.  I am not going to give away the ending but this is a must see movie also.  Towards the end of the movie Cheyenne has a phone coversation with someone who tells him that,"pain is not a destination."  Karma....  When we choose to repeat the mistakes of our parents we are reincarnated into a life that the people before us did not learn from.  While the mistakes that they made are not suppose to effect us, when we repeat them, we make the consciouse choice to let them.  Their mistakes were and/or are their Karma.  Us repeating them is our Karma.
          If we fill our lives with nothing but pain, (suffering)  and look at life as being full of nothing but pain we will live and die with that Karma.   If we have children and we teach that life style to them they might repeat what they learned form us.  Yes their Karma, but ours also.  Technically we did them harm by teaching them that lifetysle...our Karma.   How long will patterns of generational abuse go on before it ends?  In New Mexico the words mi familia are used often with in an interesting social structure....gangs.  Many gangs have generations of familys in them, grandfathers, fathers, uncles, sons, grandsons, including the women also. Mi familia reincarnates violence as a lifestyle.
         Many familys, all over the United States, pass on their legacy of living off the governing system of welfare and food stamps.   You can tell who these familys are because they are very adapt at collecting from the system while still benefitting from school, careers, relationships etc.  They were taught, in more familys then you realize since the start of welfare, that taking additional funds from the government is something that they deserve under any and all circumstances.  They were taught and choose to reincarnate the addictive mind set of victimization.  AND while they will aknowledge the fact that they have the same opportunitys as many of us to live a different life they have been taught, even brain washed that this is not possible for their family.   Karma.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/victimization?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction?s=t
          I think that if we are aware that we are humans with everything good, and bad, that goes with it we understand that not only are we cabable of greatness we also, more often than not, may not reach it.   But on the other hand what is the deffintion of greatness?   Isnt it a matter of perception that should be left up to each individual?   My father told me once that we are all on this earth to help each other.  We may only touch one persons.  We may never know who that person will be but it is the reason for always being loving and compassionate.  Karma.   It truely does begin at home.  We want to send our children out into the world to do good things.  If they help others, have good morals and values, are compassionate and selfless then we have used good Karma.  We are on the path of Nirvana and the cycle of reincarnation ends. 
         SO I paid attention to what the universe showed me through a series of events and this is what I have concluded.   Will I miss my son and his wife?  Yes most certainly.  Do I beleive that they will live a life full of love and compassion with out mine and my husbands guidance?  Yes.  Was I a perfect parent?  No.  Did I live a life of good intentions always giving love and compassion.  Mostly.  Do our sons know right from wrong, even if the wrong was done by their parent?  Yes.   Did we teach them that everyones mistakes are their own and that mistakes, whether ours or some one elses, are there to teach us?  Yes.  In this list is there anything else that I was suppose to teach them?  No.   These few simple rules will, and have, taught our sons to be outstanding human beings.  They make good choices.  They learn from their mistakes.  They surround themselves with good people.  They go out into the world and make a difference.  Because they know all of this they are successful human beings by any diffinition.  Karma.   In knowing and realizing this I finally understand that what I lived as a child was not my Karma.   My Karma has gone out into the world and made it better.   After sharing this ask youself now.  Is fate getting what you deserve?  Or deserving what you get?  What is your perspective?



“it is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda

Adolescence 102: Or How to Survive Mothers Day

        




           I find it hard to write just about anything; something has to hit me.   So mothers day came and went.   A couple of weeks later however something hit me.   I will share.   As all mothers know raising kids whether they are male or female is a challange.  Its not just about teaching them to walk, talk, feed them selves etc.  Those things they kinda pick up on their own by watching people around them; its just your job to be excited and praise them once they do it.  The hard things to teach are empathy, boundaries, morals, values; especially when they enter adolesence and adult hood.  Im sure all my friends who have grown children will agree that parenting never really ends; it takes on a different quality then when they were little but its still around.
          One of the things that I get a little crazy about when my sons dont respect the boundaries is borrowing things with out asking and then not careing for them after not asking.  It is rare that the eldest two do this any more.  With those two sons, and their significant others, it is more of reminding them that mine, and my hubbys home, is not a motel and they are still expected to clean up after themselves.  Although I have offered that I can be paid for being a maid.  :P  
          Our youngest however has not quite reached that phase yet.   I have found this extremely frustrateing from time to time.  And honestly when Im in a dark place I almost think that he does it on purpose.   Then I got to thinking... all our kids had difficulty with what Im about to share and I think i figured out why.   My youngest is still learning about appropriate boundaries when sharing space with others.  This is another skill we are not born knowing, it has to be taught.  I think learning these boundaries is very important.  Not only does it teach how to behave when sharing space with others at home, but it teaches how to respect space in work places, and when visiting other peoples homes.  Have you ever invited someone over and they just enter areas of your home with out being invited?   Its feels like an invasion of privacy.   Or how about the parents that bring their kids over and the children proceed to behave horribly in your home?  They run around, slide down your stairs, jump and wrestle on your furniture and the parents just sit their and smile and do nothing.   Pht...let me tell you, in this house, if you dont discipline your children we will.  You dont want us to then teach your kids manners and boundaries.  We dont expect children to just sit their and say yes mam and no mam but for Buddhas sake there is no way I am going to allow them to ruin my carpeting and furniture; unless of course you agree to replace, and or fix, what ever damage they do.  Which most people will not.  I beleive in people being accountable; if you wont hold your children accountable for their behavior then I am going to hold you accountable for it.   Im done venting I will continue.
          I think all adolescents will go into their elder siblings rooms, and parents rooms, and take things that dont belong to them with out asking.  Technically yes this could be considered stealing, so its kinda important that you teach this to them.  They cant enter a work place open a cash register and take ten doallrs with the intent of paying that money back later.    Dont get into a rage about it.  ALmost every teen does this.   They are testing the boundaries.   (Once again reminding you that that is exactly what you want them to do at this phase of development)  If you get really angry and scream and yell you will negate something else that is very important for them to do.  Communicate.   If every time your adolescent tests the boundaries of acceptable behavior you react, instead of respond, then they will not come to you and talk about challanges in their life, which you really need to be their for right now.  So take a deep breath find your happy place and chill.  
          There is a 6 year age difference between my youngest and his next brother.  Our youngest has actually always been very mature for his age and has actually had difficultys fitting in socially sometimes.  Kids his age seemed silly and stupid to him from time to time.   When he was in public school this was difficult for him.  NOw that he is a young adult it works;  he likes to hang out with people older then him.  He is very successful in the work place.  Adults are always surprised to find out how young he is.  He still exhibits some developmentally appropriate behavior sometimes and right now it is respecting boundaries in the form of taking things that are not his with out asking.  OR borrwoing things with permission and not returning them.  This mostly applys to me...and as previously stated it kinda pisses me off.  YES I said it; it pisses me off.  I always start off being petient.  "Please get all of the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer."   The next day, "get the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer now please."  The third day..".I am done being nice about this I have told you politely two times to get those dishes out of your room DO IT NOW!"  (Yes I raise my voice at this point.)  Then he drops attitude that says I dont know why your so upset with me.   sigh.....
          THeir have been things borrowed from me, and I use that word borrowed very loosly, over the years that cover a wide variety of things.  DVDs, CDs, Game Disks (I use to have all the Final Fantasy disks but ask my sons what happened to them) towels, wash clothes, silver ware (which i have decided are like socks; it just disappears into another plane of exsistence)  Dishes, tupperware, money, books, to name only a few items; thank goodness they are boys or otherwise Im sure I would miss some clothes.  Although my hubby seems to loose socks alot and sometimes t shirts and beanies.  Funny story associated with socks that I will share to break up the seriousness of this post.
          I remember when our middle son was in junior high and my hubby had just had a "dsicussion" with him about taking his socks.  My husband told our son in no uncertain terms to not take his socks with out asking anymore.   About three days later my husband is walking past our son while he is stretched out on the couch watching tv.  My husband stops suddenly looks at our sons feet and says are those my socks?  Our son looks a little uncomfortable and replys yes.  Hubby says," what did I say three days ago?"  " Not to wear your socks any more."  "GO take them off please."   "OK."   But then three days later the same thing happened.  Hubby is not so nice now.  "I told you not to wear my socks anymore and you still went and took them anyways."  Our son looks at him very matter of factly and say," I never took them off they are the same socks....."  Hubby and I went around the corner so he couldnt see us laugh.   This of course open a whole different conversation concerning hygene.
          Any ways there is a point to this hodge podge of thoughts.   In my never ending pursuit of takeing lemons and turning them into lemonade I think I figured something out about the adolescent borrowing policy.  They take things of ours because they still want us to care for them.  They still want us to notice that they still need our attention and approval and in the abscence of praise they will look for any ways to get our attention.  Dont misunderstand we praise in this house BUT I also believe that adolescence is a time when they need to start tuning into their internal motivator; you know that little voice inside us that tells us when we are doing right and wrong, as opposed to the external motivateing voice of the parents. It is human nature. however, to want attention and attention for bad behavior is better then getting no attention at all.   (I also think that adolescents have sometimes a slightly scewed perception of what they think is good attention so you must show them the difference.)
           I think when we have grown children we forget that the need for our parents approval never really goes away.  I cant tell you how many times I have sat and listened to people share that their parents never liked them, or their parents have never approved of their choices, or their life.   Perhaps that is true in some cases.  But as a parent i think it is important to role model that you can still praise good choices even if they are not the choices that you would choose for yourself.  Also, how many of us as grown adults still want our parents to praise us for a job well done.   We're in our 50s for Buddhas sake and still we want them to say Im proud of you.
          Your grown children still need something from you; your approval.  Your prasie.   When my youngest was little he had a blanket that he loved and took every where with him.   You can take a blanket, or charished stuffed animal, to pre school with you.  You cannot however take it to elementary school with you.  So I cut a little square out of it for him when he was five, while he watched, taking the time to explain to him what I was doing, and he could carry around the little square in his pocket while at school; no one knew and he was happy and secure.  I use to spray a diluted soution of my favorite perfume on and under my middle sons bed before he went to sleep at night when he was very little.  This made him feel that I was always their looking after him.
          We do these things when they are little with out almost thinking about it.  We know its what they need to feel safe and secure; but how do we do this for them when they are adults?   We give them money if we have it to help them out, we help with transportation, pay for their schooling, provide a roof over their heads and give advice when aksed for.   But does that really help them feel safe and secure?  YES they need to give that to themsleves now.  YES they need to feel that they are capable of giving it to themselves.  AND there it is the opportive word FEEL.
          In child development their are two kinds of motivators the internal one and the external one.  When kids are very little they are motivated mostly by external things, primarily parents, teachers, etc.  Its why we put cheerios in the tiolet for potty training sons or give stickers for chores.  As they get older internal motivators kick in.  BUT if a child is not taught to recognize how something feels they sometimes dont recognize their own internal motivators.  It is the parents job to not only praise a job well done but to also ask their child, "how does it feel?"  And see you did it all by yourself doesnt it feel great?  Or you should feel good you did great!  You teach your child that the ultimate goal of their life is to be independant.  Not just an extension of you!  Their own individual person with their own feelings of accomplishment!  Its pretty great when you think about it.
          Yet when you do this, and I speak from experience, they will still find a way to take some of your stuff and keep it.  WHY?  Well it took me a few days but I think I figured it out.  If you did a good job with your kids regardless of their rebellion against you.  Regardless of their attitudes, impetience, anger, and frustration not only do they still want your attention but they really do love you and want to be like you.  They will take things that they admire about you.  Things they like about you.  In the case of the socks with my hubby well...my sons are literally trying to fill his shoes.   Putting on dads socks is symbolic of being a man.  So we dont say anything about it anymore we just write extra money into out budget to buy socks for hubby about every three months,or less.  
          My sons take my music.  Well I am one of the few moms at 51 years of age that listen to Korn, Disturbed, Queens of the Stone Age, and lots of other music that other parents dont listen to.  AND I dont agree with the mind set that listening to the music that a younger generation listens to makes me immature.  I have a love of music of all kinds so I listen to music of all kinds.  Because I do this, with out judgement, I have also been able to share other types of music with my sons, and their friends, that they mabey would not know about if it wernt for me.   So my sons take my music and listen to it out of respcet to me.   So I have stopped making a big deal out of it; if the disk gets ruined they replace it.  I have also noticed that if my husband and I volutarily share some things of ours with them they are less apt to just take it with out asking and we have role modeled appropriate behavior for them. 
          Boundaries that still must be respected, how ever, are attached to space.  Shared and individual spaces must be kept clean and neat out of respect for others, the home owners/land lords (both parents btw) and for yourself.  This doesnt mean that spaces are kept OCD clean, it means that everyone cleans up after themselves.  Rooms are kept clean because individual rooms are owned by hubby and I.  They will not live here for ever and we get what is left behind.  We dont really want to rip up carpeting because in the time stayed with us you never vacuumed.   We dont want to have to buy more dishes and sliverware because you didnt take care of them.   Most of all you dont want us coming to your home and treating your things badly...which hubby and I sometimes joke about doing.   We also always knock before entering there rooms even though at certain ages they wont do it for you.  I can share that this ends;  right around 14 they start knocking...especially if you remind them that they could walk in on you and hubby having sex.  :P  This is a horrifying thought to your adolescent; dont mince words about it just tell it like it is.  Remember suttle appropriate embarrassment is a form of discipline in adolescence.  Dont embarrasse them around their peers etc. just find a good time to remind them that you dont have to do anything because at some point there disrespectful thoughless behavior will embarrass them and being a good parent you will not protect them from this valuable learning experience.  Remember we learn best by making mistakes.  :P
          Anyways heres the Pith of the Matter to this whole little rant.   On Mothers day I was faced with realizing that not one, but both sons had taken advantage of my space and some things in it.  You know I love my sons; but I dont want to be their mommy any more, I want to be a mother.   So dealing with this is exhausting especially on Mothers Day when, as a mom, you kinda expect at least one day a year free of disrespect. 
         So Im up stairs in my room laying in bed and watching reruns of the West Wing on Netflix when it occured to me.   They are actually paying me the highest form of respect.   They love me, and things about me that define me, and still want me close in their life.  So being adult males and at the age where they are still figuring out what is an appropriate show of public affection that wont make them look like mommas boys they borrow things of mine.  They listen to my music, they play the same computer games, they eat my ice cream and drink my juice....and you know what?  Im ok with that for now.   Some day they wont even be doing that and I will miss it.  So I put extra ice cream in the fridge, extra juice, make them the things I know they like to eat.  Ask them about music, sit and listen to it with them, watch while they play their console games, fold the unfinished laundry in my laundry room, ask questions about their day and feel love and extreme pride in all three of my sons.   So weeks after the fact I realize it was a pretty awesome Mothers Day after all.  :)

Just For You

        

          I have many people in my life that I hold dear.  Some, naturally, and for different reasons are closer than others.   My children (who are not children anymore) are, of course, are at the top of the list, my husband, for obvious reasons (and not so obvious reasons) and then a couple of other friends/relatives.   A while ago I blogged on what I call the inner circle.  The inner circle is where you hold that select few people whom you trust the most.  Its usally small, and contains mabey four to five people, usually less.  This is normal and does not at all line up with todays Facebook deffinition of friends; which is, who cares if you know them or not, more is better; more is not better more is just more...anyways I wander.  What I really wanted to talk about is something that I have learned lately about the people who are in my inner circle.  They all share one common very important aspect, forgiveness.  These inner circle people and I have all forgiven each other for some really shitty things in our pasts.  This forgiveness not only includes things we have done to each other, but things we have done to ourselves.  More importantly these people are just the forgiving kind of people. I know this but some aspects of forgiveness still needed to be answered; so here we go.
          What is this thing called forgiveness?  What makes it so important?  And why is there such a huge emphasis on using it?  Well I did some investigateing because, well I wanted to know. 
Psych Central defines forgivness as,"...letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment...a gift we give to ourselves."  Heres the site that has not only more detailed information, but steps on how to forgive.
  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-forgiveness/
          Next the christianity approach to forgiveness.  http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/a/What-Is-Forgiveness.htm basically states that there are,"two types of forgiveness in the Bible: Gods pardon of our sins, and our obligation to pardon others...our eternal destiny depends on it."  Im not Christian, so I have a little difficulty with this one.  So lets look at Buddhism and forgiveness.
http://www.lifebalanceinstitute.com/dharmawisdom/articles/forgiving-unforgivable
          Dharma Wisdom states that,"Forgiveness is about liberating your own feelings and finding meaning in the worst of lifes events.  You practice forgiveness to be free of the inner violence of your rage, and you do not abandon the pursuit of right action.  In fact, you gain clear seeing that allows you to use skillfull means in bringing sustainable peace." OK...I get this, but there is one more deffinition; the emotional one.  http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
          I found this site interesting because it discuss's that forgivness in not the same as reconcilliation.   And there it is!  The thing that most of us don't understand and there fore choose not to forgive.   "Reconcilliation is two people coming together in mutual respect...it requires both partys working together.  Forgiveness is something that is totally up to you.  Although reconcilliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without re-establishing or continueing the relationship." This site also shares that forgiveness is not forgetting, is not condoning, or excusing, and is not justice.
          I was once told years ago by someone that it is actually better to forget than forgive...I could never get next to this idea and now I understand why.   By forgetting we do not acknowledge the wrong that was done to us.  For example; If I were to forget what abuse was done to me by certain family members I am not acknowledging that I have a right to feel angry, and betrayed by persons who were suppose to be protecting and nuturing me.  If I dont acknowledge this how can I move forward?  That is where we get hung up in forgivness.
          All of these different deffinitions say basically the same thing.  Forgiveness is necessary for our own well being.   Until we can get to a place where we at least understand what the other person did, and why, we are almost in a holding pattern.  Circling the same place over and over again never truley being able to land on the place that brings us home; to the place of love and compassion.   Here's something else that took me awhile to understand about this whole idea.
          Forgiveness does not mean that you need to keep, or have the person who betrayed you in your life.  It just means that you understand the whole situation.  AND understanding the situation doesnt mean that you condone what happen!  It means that you finally understand that you would not be who you are now with out all the wisdom and experience that was given to you; whether it was choosen by you or choosen by some one else.  It says that I am ok with who I am now.
          I have sat and listened to countless amounts of people, in my line of work, tell me that they will never forgive the person who wronged and/ or hurt them. (Myself being in that long list.)  But here is something else I have discovered.   In the end, as the years progress, the anger you choose to hold on to, that builds up and causes depression, and anxiety, and a myriad of health problems really is only hurting YOU!   Most the time the person who did the harm has  1) no idea that they did you a wrong 2) doesnt remember what the wrong was about and  3) has let it go and just wants you in their life again.
          YES there are some exceptions to having someone back in your life.  I have had family members inflict physical and emotional abuse on me.  There have been some very distinct boundarys with those people and periods of non communication.  Heres the thing though.  It was, and has never been as a punishment but more of a Im taking space kind of thing until I am in a healthier place to set boundaries and follow through on them.  A time out, calm down time.   I also beleive in having absolutely no contact with things, people and environments that are defined as evil, detrimental to me, or dramatic.  (Here's the definition of that so there is no dramatic confusion.  evil.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evil?s=t  )  HOWEVER, when I choose to distance myself from something or someone it is never with out compassion.
          Showing love, compassion, and understanding is more about you than the other person.   When ever I see a news event on a school shooting I of course feel the most compassion for the victims and their familys.  But I enevitably also feel compassion for the shooter(s) and their family's.   How deep their dispair with life must be to commit such an act of suffereing.   The Tibetan Monks who set themselves on fire...yes what a desperate act to get the attention of the political system they feel are oppressing them; perhaps even seen as crazy by some.  But always I feel compassion for the suffering that brought them to that place and for the people who do not recognize that suffering.
          I think forgiveness takes two different paths.  One is saying Im sorry to the person who you wronged; saying sorry is about healing and respect not only for the person you hurt, but for you.  It does hurt when we say something to some one that was mean and or cruel.  Words do hurt and when they are said to someone we love... well inevitably we hurt later for having said them and causing a loved one to hurt.  You should not let feelings of guilt, pride and stubborness interfere with the healing process of saying Im sorry.  Nothing should interfere with feelings of love and compassion ever.  Be brave put on your big person pants buck up and say Im sorry.  It is not about pride, or stubborness, it is about love and compassion. 
          The second form of forgivness is learning to forgive yourself.  Everyone does stupid shit in there lives that they are sorry for.  I think when we dont for give ourselves for our mistakes we dont learn, we dont change; we stagnate and stay angry and blame.  In the end we can only blame ourselves really.  I have said before that I was abused growing up, physiclaly and sexually, not by the men in my family but by the women.  For years I blamed them for everythihng that went wrong in my life.  Yes it is true I have difficultys establishing friendships with females, I have some trust issues and other things going on.  Feeling betrayed, and not truley cared for by the important females in your life who are suppose to be in charge of role modeling what a responsible respectful caring woman is suppose to be is a hard truth to deal with.  But one day i got tired of it all.  I didnt want to feel angry any more, I didnt want to feel hurt, scared, depressed, anxious, or distrustful.  So I made the decision to forgive.  Forgive my abusers.  Then something happened that I didnt count on.        Suddenly I was angry at myself for wasteing so much emotional energy on these people for so long.  I realized everything that I had been missing by choosing to carry around so many negative feelings.  Then the pith of the matter...I had to forgive myself.  I didnt encourage the abuse, I didnt encourage the neglect, and I did have a right to how I felt.  So I had felt it...I was done...I forgave myself.  
Forgiveness requires alot of self confidence.  Forgiving doesn mean you were wrong or that you are saying some one else is right it just means that shit happens.  I learned form it time to move on.
          There is one thing that we forget in the forgiveness process.  It is the thing that sometimes keeps others from forgiving us.  You said you were sorry, but, with all due respect they are just words.  If you don't back up the words with actions of sometimes your apology is hollow.  Especially if you have turned the mistake into a bad habit.  Bringing flowers is all good, sending a card is nice but Im talking about something much more substantial and long lasting and no its not diamonds either.  It is change.  Share with the person whom youve wronged how you intend on making sure it never happens again.   When my husband and I were newly married, and even not so newly married, we had a bad habit of saying mean tings to each other when we were angry.  It didnt take very long to figure out that this was damaging to our relationship.  We loved each other we wanted to stay together.  So we made the rule, when someone says I need a break during a heated discussion no matter how pissed off we were we stopped the conversation and took a break.  It was hard at first especially for me...I didnt want to loose my train of thought and hubby had a bad habit of leaving a conversation and never giving it closure.  So the rule was then that if he needed longer than an hour he would share respectfully that he needed time to think and it was his responsibilty to open the conversation again with in a 24 hour period.  Well after some practice we have this down pretty well and I trust what he says to me and vice versa.  We learned how not to say things that we would regret later on and not need to forgive each other and especially ourselves for...one less thing to worry about.  So how did I follow up on forgving myself?
          When I learned to forgive myself and my abusers I learned how to set appropriate boundaries for whom I would let into my life.  I suddenly felt confidence in saying no to establsihing friendships with people who would take advantage of me, who would be disrespectful, who are not compassionate, responsible, respectful, intellegent, loving individuals.   My relationships with everyone became healthier and I became happier.  Huh...interesting how that works isn't it?  I made the decision to treat myself well; better than my abusers.  So my word of advice to you comeing from someone with some wisdom and experience is this.
          Isnt it better to have a small circle of people who you can truley call friends then a HUGE amount of aquaintances whom you call friend?  It really is easier to manage a smaller circle and it is easier to know who to forgive and keep in your life then just generically trying to stay nuetral about everyone and everything.  Being able to have our own opinions on life, on our morals, and on our values is what gives us confidence, and having people in our inner circile who support us in those opinions, even if they dont agree with them, is very important in how we choose to trust.   Trust is crucial in sefl confidence, Trust is crucial in compassion and love and forgiveness.  It is all connected.  So set those boundaries with confidence and dont let anyone try to make you feel bad when you look at them and say,"Im sorry until you understand the boundaries for us respecting EACH other I cannot have you in my life."  Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea. 

Never Never Land: or Facebook 101

“For long the two enemies looked at one another, Hook shuddering slightly, and Peter with the strange smile upon his face.
"So, Pan," said Hook at last, "this is all your doing."
"Ay, James Hook," came the stern answer, "it is all my doing."
"Proud and insolent youth," said Hook, "prepare to meet thy doom."
"Dark and sinister man,“For long the two enemies looked at one another, Hook shuddering slightly, and Peter with the strange smile upon his face.
"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan




          A couple of years ago, out of curiosity, and because my youngest son was using it, I started a Facebook account.  I had a MySpace page for a bit then and was told it wasnt cool anymore; so being the cool, good, involved mom that I try to be I switched to Facebook.  This whole online communication thing to me was strange, and still continues to be so.  I think many people of my generation feel the same way.  It is often percieved as having mor cons than pro's.  Good because it does give an opportunity to keep in touch with people whom you might not otherwise be able to.  Bad becasue...well...people seem to get too caught up in it and it recieves far more attention than it deserves. 
          I am a Facebook pariaha because I only have 64 friends and to tell you the truth Im not quite sure all of these can be considered close friends, some are aquaintances, some are friends of my sons and some are family; BUT they all share one ting and that is respect.  I am careful in whom I allow to post and view my post on Facebook.  I do not allow clients to have access to this, I do not allow employers (and from time to time employees) to have it, and I am careful about which teachers (currently none) have this information.  My Facebook page is for me to be able to socialize with people and keep in contact with persons whom, as ppreviously metnioned, I would not be able to do so.  It does not reflect my professional life; I keep my private and my professional life seperate.  If I have a strictly professional relationship with someone I would not consider giving this person access to my private life.  It really is none of my employers, instructors, co-workers, clients business what I do on my own time.  I can say this with confidence because I feel that I, and my family, lead a good, happy, contened life with nothing to be embarrassed by. 
          If you are on my Facebook page it is because I trust you and know you accept me, my family, and my life with out judgement and I feel the same about you.  YES...(because I know my sons friends at this point are gafawing me) I use it to keep track of my sons goings ons; BUT they know that I trust and respect them, even if I do from time to time question some of their choices (question being the opporitive word here.  I do not insist they do what I think is right for them, I just want to make sure that they feel they are doing the right thing.) 
          Anywho...I periodically clean house on my Facebook page, not because I have stopped respecting anyone...well I take that back, but it is a rarity, but because I dont want to be a collector of people.  I want to surround myself with people who are active in my life and vice versa.  I have blocked a small handful of people.  I will explain why because this is The Pith of the Matter.
I actually like Facebook it is another interesting venue to b eable to express point of views, thoughts, opinions etc.  You can do this all sorts of ways, simple little quotes, thumbnail pics of art works historical or not, Comics, website attachements, real photos, the list really is endless.   It is the electronic version of freedom of speech.  AHA there it is...freedom of speech.
 
http://www.uscourts.gov/EducationalResources/ClassroomActivities/FirstAmendment/WhatDoesFreeSpeechMean.aspx
          Here is a site for you so you can read in detail.  The first ammendment basically says,"Congress shall make no law...abridging freedom of speech."  So bare with me cause this is where it gets interesting.  This law enables us to post all kinds of opposing views concerning politics, religion, etc. on our Facebook with out fear of retribution from the government.  BUT it does not protect us from other people on Facebook.
          I will give you an example.   During the last Presidential election I did not vote.   This does not make me a poor American, no where does it state that as an American I HAVE to vote, it states that I have the right to vote.  I CHOOSE not to vote because, frankly, I didnt much care for any of the canidates and I dont believe in voting for the lesser of two evils.  (Not literally evil,,,just a saying.)  I stated my view point on Facebook and an old friend from Facebook fired back,"If your not going to vote then shut up."  Well....huh...interesting; I always respond to bullying.  (NOT)
          Another example I have watched, for some time now, is two people on my Facebook constantly jumping on each others shit for expressing opposing view points.  One is admittedly trolling the other on purpose because, well honestly the other person keeps on falling for it.  But I think I can safely say to both these persons (and you know who you are) that we are all over it.  This example goes beyond the normal trolling scenario because both people are percieved by many around them as taking, what the other person has said, very personally.
           Heres the thing that all of us, including me from time to time, forgets.   When we express a point of view, opinion, or make a comment regarding something everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has the right in America to express an opposing point of view.   What perplexes me is why do people take it so personally?  I mean really?  Get ready cause I am about to drop a truth bomb.  IF you feel confident about your morals, values, points of view etc etc then why is it so important to you that everyone you know feel exactly as you do about it and agree with you?  Isnt that a lack of confidence?  
          A couple of months ago my husband and I had, what we percieved as, a fun, intellectual discussion regarding Darwins natural selection theory on Facebook.   Personally I dont care for the theory, I dont think it is relevant in todays world.  Humans have progressed past the idea of natural selection and I think WW2 proved that it was bullshit.  In current psychology books and information Darwin is rarely referenced anymore; credit is given only for his theory of evolution, which still holds some merit.   The person rage quit...unfortunate.   I assume it was because he felt he was loosing....but loosing what?  I was not attempting to take anything from him, only expresing politely and respectfully my point of view.  By the way many people were watching the thread and engaged in it, we all enjoyed ourselves.
          All these instances got me to thinking.  Why does this happen?  I think that people are use to percieving much of life these days in anger and frustration.  So as soon as someone expresses an opposing view point the first thing is to react with anger and frustration.  They do not respond, even though one of the choices is always to respond.  These are the same people who get down right biligerant about their Facebook page.   "ITS my page dammit Ill psot what ever the hell I want."  Well the thought is nice, but the presentation sucks.

http://www.facebook.com/page_guidelines.php  
http://www.stevebarnes.net/top-10-facebook-rules-and-regulations/  
http://www.facebook.com/legal/terms  
          Here are three sites that give information on how to effectively use Facebook.  I encourage everyone to read them.
          A couple of other things to consider.  If you are so obsessed with Facebook that
 1.) you spend more than 30 minutes a day (and honestly that to me is still alot of time, you can paruse through home page and your page in about 10 minutes,) 
 2.) have more than 100 people on your page (and this does not count high school pages or advertsing pages, this refers to personal pages only)         
 3.) Dont know who even some of the people on your page are.
 4.) Call these strangers friends.  And finally
 5.) Take what ever you see on the internet and post it on Facebook as the honest truth and absolute last word on anything;
YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!!
Facebook is a tool to make communication fun and easy.  Like any tool if it is not used correctly it causes injury.
          Just to give myself a reality check I will tell you that my Facebook, as a whole, is usually full of postive, peacfull messages.  I think people are thrown of guard when they see me post other wise.  I know that my peace filled page irritates some people.  I am not always that peace filled.  But I am human and realistic.  I continue to post peaceful messages because that is what I beleive and strive for.  And in my opinion it is far better then messages full of hate...what ever that means to you.  It is easy for me to continue psoting what I do because I feel it to be the right thing for ME.   I look at my friends and familys posts, some I like, some I dont.  BUT I am never insulted if I post something and no one likes it or someone (Buddha forbid) posts an opposing comment.  It is their opinion.  This rarely happens however and I think it is because I dont feel the need to gain approval concerning my personal view points (for one) and (secondly) I dont just let anyone friend me and vice versa.
           Come on people, in real life you cant be friends with everyone.  You cant have everyones approval all the time and not everyone is going to like you all the time.  Facebook IS NOT the real world!!! 
          We all know the story of Peter Pan and the Lost boys and how they didnt want to grow up.   They lived in a fantasy world, surrounded by danger but most of the time taking it all very lightly, treating it like a game.  It wasnt until someones life was in danger that suddenly their world became very real to them.   I am not saying that Facebook is dangerous, but for those who choose to get lost in its never never land quality it can be.  

“Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

A Child Called Time

     

Time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Now you always say
That you want to be free
But you'll come running back (said you would baby)
Youll come running back (I said so many times before)
Youll come running back to me

Oh, time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Youre searching for good times
But just wait and see
Youll come running back (I wont have to worry no more)
Youll come running back (spend the rest of my life with you, baby)
Youll come running back to me

Go ahead, go ahead and light up the town
And baby, do everything your heart desires
Remember, I'll always be around
And I know, I know
Like I told you so many times before
Youre gonna come back, baby
Cause I know
Youre gonna come back knocking
Yeah, knocking right on my door
Yes, yes!

Well, time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need
Youll come running back (said you would, baby)
Youll come running back (I always said you would)
Youll come running back, to me
Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side
Yeah, time, time, time is on my side
-The Rolling Stones




           I have always rebelled a little against the concept of time.  Infact... quite a few people I know do.  The ones, like myself, who try to be realistic about it understand that time was a man created concept used to organize, and to a certain extent, control society(s).   Knowing when, why, and how this idea is used is what encourages, and supports, us to have a healthy perspective of time; and in turn a happy organized feeling lifestyle.. 
          On the flip side are the people who think they are rebelling but really only are percieved by those around them as being out of control.  These people are identified primarily by being late for almost everything, except their jobs, because frankly, at some point, they probably lost a job because of it; and lets face it having no money is not fun.  (But this is an example of a person who is really, when they put their mind to it, capable of learning how to manage time.)  These people expect everyone around them, selfishly, to understand their reasons for always being late.   They have so many things going on that, basically, they are unable to manage their time.  So time ends up manageing them.
          For these people the idea of rebelling against time does not work.  In order to rebel effectivily you must first be able to grasp fully, and wholly, what you are rebelling against, you must be able to not let what you are rebelling against control you; finally and most importantly, you must be able to control yourself with in the environment that you are rebelling against.  Since what we are talking about here is time rebelling against it means being in control of yourself...well...the majority of the time.  Taking into consideration, always, that we are human and make mistakes and are subject to the human nature of others.
          Time kinda fascinates me.  It really does intrude upon every aspect of our lives.  We set our alarms in the morning and time tells us when to wake up.  We have set schedules, controlled by a time frame, for work, school, meetings, dates, etc.   We know when it is time to pay a bill, get payed, and pay attention to family, friends, pets, and ourselves.  We know exactly how much time can pass before we perform maintenance on our vehicles, our homes, our yards, our gardens, our health, and our emotional and/or mental well being.   Our so you would think....But I am here to explain to you that some people do not grasp this concept.
          Whether this is do to some true challange in understanding, coping, and or grasping time I dont know.  In my perception of people, based on what I have observed over 25+ years in my career, I personally feel, and believe that their are very few people who are unable to grasp the concept of time.  They choose not to.  The reasons behind this, I feel, run a gambit of excuses and reasons; they dont know how, they were never taught how, they lack the ability to respect not only others, but at the core, themselves, which leads me to the victim attitude... the ultimate handicap.   They, for what ever multitude of reasons, and excuses, they give,"just cant."  Bleh....  Given the tools to manage time anyone can do it.   Cant help anyone who doesnt want to help themselves though.  So time management is a choice.
          I am personally happy to rebell against time.   Over the years my hubby and I have learned that the best way to tell time to fuck off is to have at least one day, a week, where we do absolutely nothing, or only what we feel like doing.  We also have learned, however, that when we do too much of what ever we want time kicks us in the ass and takes control of our lives. 
          Time likes to be payed attention to and when you do not give the devil his due he has a way of making the universe turn to do his bidding.  Things start falling behind, things dont get done, people dont get attention, YOU dont get attention, and before you know it you are in this dark hole that time allowed you to dig.  YOU being the opportive word here.  Time is pretty sneaky, it doesnt have to do a damn thing really, it only needs to sit back and watch you screw everything up all on your own.  Time is like a child that needs to be lovingly petiently and thoughtfully disciplined.  I think that is why so many of us get better at managing time when we become parents; not all mind you, but most.
          So what is The Pith of the Matter with time you ask?  Well let me tell you, It is not that I have to spend at least one hour of my week writing everything down on a calander, it is not that I have to look at my watch as I joyfully scream down the road, stereo blaring then have my speed nirvana interupted by time.  It is not that at least 90% of my life has time playing such a huge important role in it.  I have learned that time works with me when I pay attention to it.  I make it happy it makes me happy.  What interupts my happy relationship with time is how there are some people who dont understand that when they dont respect time they are disrespecting others around them.   AND Buddha help you if you point out how you rushed home to help them out only to sit there for 30 minutes (every week because these people are consistently late) while they go out to eat first and visit with people.  I havnt eaten yet because I was busy hurrying home and being respectful of the agreed upon time line that we made together to help you out! 
          Being Buddhist I will always try to use love and compassion and negotiate something that works for everyone.  But these people who just run with the devil (time) and not give it the respect it deserves are in so deep that time is now its evil soul draining sucubus.  It has grown from an ignored petelant spoiled child to an over indulged adolescent hormonal nightmare and it has taken up a firm crazy residence in their head.  It is the fun govenor of their lives.
          How do I know this?  Well as I have stated often I never presume to write about anything that I have not already experienced myself.  And it is not just by watching everyone else; it is by personal experience, making my own msitakes, and being accountable to them that I have learned.   If time is taking up too much of my life then it is time to rebel and take control of it myself.  
          Rebel is defined as a person who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises in arms against the government or ruler of his or her country.  A person who resists any authroity, control or tradition.
http://inside.fdu.edu/fdupress/03121801.html  Here is a great piece on how to be a great rebel.  The point here is that so often we only examine the surface of our, or some one elses actions, because looking past the surface is hard.  It requires addtional thinking, additional work, coming out of our confort zone, and more often than not a confrontation of some kind.  Once again the reminder that confrontation is good, conflict is bad.
           As Americans so many of us have become accustomed to living a life controled by time that we have become complacent and have made the choice to observe only on the surface what the ramifications of being controlled by time, mostly defined by the falicy of the American Dream (and the people who perpetuate that dream) is truely doing to us.   If you really want to rebel against this idea then you dont live by a defintion of the American Dream driven by a false definition of time , and the ignorance of people who choose to support it; all of which is driven by the American Dream.  (see that nasty endless circle it creats?)   YOU define what the American Dream means to you and make it work with in the time frame of your choosen lifestyle.
          YES we live in a society where we are very privledged to have so much at our disposal and be able to make so many choices; we have that FREEDOM.  What I dont get though is why do so many of us choose to be ruled by things that are truley with in our control?  Time at the top of that list.  We can vote but we dont always get what, or whom, we vote for.  We can get educated but we dont always get the career of our choice.  We get married, have children and build a life but it is more often than not NOT the life we dreamed of.  But through all of that there is time.  How we choose to face time is what truley makes the difference between anger and happiness in our lives.
          At the end of time, when time has become suddenly very limited, and completely out of your control; and it is holding your hand on your death bed breathing gentle whispers of love and compassion in your ear will you firmly and lovingly grasp its hand back or will you push that hand away in anger and blame.  I guarentee if you choose anger time will shed a tear for you.  Time is our greatest teacher, our greatest challange and our greatest supporter.  We can either rebel against it with a smile, love and peace; then gently, but firmly, take control of it, and lead it where we want it to go, or we can let it take control of us and choose to let it make us feel crazy and out of control.   Personally, I choose to hold its hand and lead it through my life letting it teach, and support me in all I need to be happy.   I hope everyone whom is involved in my personal time frame understands and respects this.  If not we have a far greater relationship problem then you always being late.