Just For You

        

          I have many people in my life that I hold dear.  Some, naturally, and for different reasons are closer than others.   My children (who are not children anymore) are, of course, are at the top of the list, my husband, for obvious reasons (and not so obvious reasons) and then a couple of other friends/relatives.   A while ago I blogged on what I call the inner circle.  The inner circle is where you hold that select few people whom you trust the most.  Its usally small, and contains mabey four to five people, usually less.  This is normal and does not at all line up with todays Facebook deffinition of friends; which is, who cares if you know them or not, more is better; more is not better more is just more...anyways I wander.  What I really wanted to talk about is something that I have learned lately about the people who are in my inner circle.  They all share one common very important aspect, forgiveness.  These inner circle people and I have all forgiven each other for some really shitty things in our pasts.  This forgiveness not only includes things we have done to each other, but things we have done to ourselves.  More importantly these people are just the forgiving kind of people. I know this but some aspects of forgiveness still needed to be answered; so here we go.
          What is this thing called forgiveness?  What makes it so important?  And why is there such a huge emphasis on using it?  Well I did some investigateing because, well I wanted to know. 
Psych Central defines forgivness as,"...letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment...a gift we give to ourselves."  Heres the site that has not only more detailed information, but steps on how to forgive.
  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-forgiveness/
          Next the christianity approach to forgiveness.  http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/a/What-Is-Forgiveness.htm basically states that there are,"two types of forgiveness in the Bible: Gods pardon of our sins, and our obligation to pardon others...our eternal destiny depends on it."  Im not Christian, so I have a little difficulty with this one.  So lets look at Buddhism and forgiveness.
http://www.lifebalanceinstitute.com/dharmawisdom/articles/forgiving-unforgivable
          Dharma Wisdom states that,"Forgiveness is about liberating your own feelings and finding meaning in the worst of lifes events.  You practice forgiveness to be free of the inner violence of your rage, and you do not abandon the pursuit of right action.  In fact, you gain clear seeing that allows you to use skillfull means in bringing sustainable peace." OK...I get this, but there is one more deffinition; the emotional one.  http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
          I found this site interesting because it discuss's that forgivness in not the same as reconcilliation.   And there it is!  The thing that most of us don't understand and there fore choose not to forgive.   "Reconcilliation is two people coming together in mutual respect...it requires both partys working together.  Forgiveness is something that is totally up to you.  Although reconcilliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without re-establishing or continueing the relationship." This site also shares that forgiveness is not forgetting, is not condoning, or excusing, and is not justice.
          I was once told years ago by someone that it is actually better to forget than forgive...I could never get next to this idea and now I understand why.   By forgetting we do not acknowledge the wrong that was done to us.  For example; If I were to forget what abuse was done to me by certain family members I am not acknowledging that I have a right to feel angry, and betrayed by persons who were suppose to be protecting and nuturing me.  If I dont acknowledge this how can I move forward?  That is where we get hung up in forgivness.
          All of these different deffinitions say basically the same thing.  Forgiveness is necessary for our own well being.   Until we can get to a place where we at least understand what the other person did, and why, we are almost in a holding pattern.  Circling the same place over and over again never truley being able to land on the place that brings us home; to the place of love and compassion.   Here's something else that took me awhile to understand about this whole idea.
          Forgiveness does not mean that you need to keep, or have the person who betrayed you in your life.  It just means that you understand the whole situation.  AND understanding the situation doesnt mean that you condone what happen!  It means that you finally understand that you would not be who you are now with out all the wisdom and experience that was given to you; whether it was choosen by you or choosen by some one else.  It says that I am ok with who I am now.
          I have sat and listened to countless amounts of people, in my line of work, tell me that they will never forgive the person who wronged and/ or hurt them. (Myself being in that long list.)  But here is something else I have discovered.   In the end, as the years progress, the anger you choose to hold on to, that builds up and causes depression, and anxiety, and a myriad of health problems really is only hurting YOU!   Most the time the person who did the harm has  1) no idea that they did you a wrong 2) doesnt remember what the wrong was about and  3) has let it go and just wants you in their life again.
          YES there are some exceptions to having someone back in your life.  I have had family members inflict physical and emotional abuse on me.  There have been some very distinct boundarys with those people and periods of non communication.  Heres the thing though.  It was, and has never been as a punishment but more of a Im taking space kind of thing until I am in a healthier place to set boundaries and follow through on them.  A time out, calm down time.   I also beleive in having absolutely no contact with things, people and environments that are defined as evil, detrimental to me, or dramatic.  (Here's the definition of that so there is no dramatic confusion.  evil.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evil?s=t  )  HOWEVER, when I choose to distance myself from something or someone it is never with out compassion.
          Showing love, compassion, and understanding is more about you than the other person.   When ever I see a news event on a school shooting I of course feel the most compassion for the victims and their familys.  But I enevitably also feel compassion for the shooter(s) and their family's.   How deep their dispair with life must be to commit such an act of suffereing.   The Tibetan Monks who set themselves on fire...yes what a desperate act to get the attention of the political system they feel are oppressing them; perhaps even seen as crazy by some.  But always I feel compassion for the suffering that brought them to that place and for the people who do not recognize that suffering.
          I think forgiveness takes two different paths.  One is saying Im sorry to the person who you wronged; saying sorry is about healing and respect not only for the person you hurt, but for you.  It does hurt when we say something to some one that was mean and or cruel.  Words do hurt and when they are said to someone we love... well inevitably we hurt later for having said them and causing a loved one to hurt.  You should not let feelings of guilt, pride and stubborness interfere with the healing process of saying Im sorry.  Nothing should interfere with feelings of love and compassion ever.  Be brave put on your big person pants buck up and say Im sorry.  It is not about pride, or stubborness, it is about love and compassion. 
          The second form of forgivness is learning to forgive yourself.  Everyone does stupid shit in there lives that they are sorry for.  I think when we dont for give ourselves for our mistakes we dont learn, we dont change; we stagnate and stay angry and blame.  In the end we can only blame ourselves really.  I have said before that I was abused growing up, physiclaly and sexually, not by the men in my family but by the women.  For years I blamed them for everythihng that went wrong in my life.  Yes it is true I have difficultys establishing friendships with females, I have some trust issues and other things going on.  Feeling betrayed, and not truley cared for by the important females in your life who are suppose to be in charge of role modeling what a responsible respectful caring woman is suppose to be is a hard truth to deal with.  But one day i got tired of it all.  I didnt want to feel angry any more, I didnt want to feel hurt, scared, depressed, anxious, or distrustful.  So I made the decision to forgive.  Forgive my abusers.  Then something happened that I didnt count on.        Suddenly I was angry at myself for wasteing so much emotional energy on these people for so long.  I realized everything that I had been missing by choosing to carry around so many negative feelings.  Then the pith of the matter...I had to forgive myself.  I didnt encourage the abuse, I didnt encourage the neglect, and I did have a right to how I felt.  So I had felt it...I was done...I forgave myself.  
Forgiveness requires alot of self confidence.  Forgiving doesn mean you were wrong or that you are saying some one else is right it just means that shit happens.  I learned form it time to move on.
          There is one thing that we forget in the forgiveness process.  It is the thing that sometimes keeps others from forgiving us.  You said you were sorry, but, with all due respect they are just words.  If you don't back up the words with actions of sometimes your apology is hollow.  Especially if you have turned the mistake into a bad habit.  Bringing flowers is all good, sending a card is nice but Im talking about something much more substantial and long lasting and no its not diamonds either.  It is change.  Share with the person whom youve wronged how you intend on making sure it never happens again.   When my husband and I were newly married, and even not so newly married, we had a bad habit of saying mean tings to each other when we were angry.  It didnt take very long to figure out that this was damaging to our relationship.  We loved each other we wanted to stay together.  So we made the rule, when someone says I need a break during a heated discussion no matter how pissed off we were we stopped the conversation and took a break.  It was hard at first especially for me...I didnt want to loose my train of thought and hubby had a bad habit of leaving a conversation and never giving it closure.  So the rule was then that if he needed longer than an hour he would share respectfully that he needed time to think and it was his responsibilty to open the conversation again with in a 24 hour period.  Well after some practice we have this down pretty well and I trust what he says to me and vice versa.  We learned how not to say things that we would regret later on and not need to forgive each other and especially ourselves for...one less thing to worry about.  So how did I follow up on forgving myself?
          When I learned to forgive myself and my abusers I learned how to set appropriate boundaries for whom I would let into my life.  I suddenly felt confidence in saying no to establsihing friendships with people who would take advantage of me, who would be disrespectful, who are not compassionate, responsible, respectful, intellegent, loving individuals.   My relationships with everyone became healthier and I became happier.  Huh...interesting how that works isn't it?  I made the decision to treat myself well; better than my abusers.  So my word of advice to you comeing from someone with some wisdom and experience is this.
          Isnt it better to have a small circle of people who you can truley call friends then a HUGE amount of aquaintances whom you call friend?  It really is easier to manage a smaller circle and it is easier to know who to forgive and keep in your life then just generically trying to stay nuetral about everyone and everything.  Being able to have our own opinions on life, on our morals, and on our values is what gives us confidence, and having people in our inner circile who support us in those opinions, even if they dont agree with them, is very important in how we choose to trust.   Trust is crucial in sefl confidence, Trust is crucial in compassion and love and forgiveness.  It is all connected.  So set those boundaries with confidence and dont let anyone try to make you feel bad when you look at them and say,"Im sorry until you understand the boundaries for us respecting EACH other I cannot have you in my life."  Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea.