“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”-Buddha
When we look in the mirror we see our reflection. When we look into some ones eyes we see a reflection also. The people we surround ourselves contribute to our reflection. I know I know everyone is suppose to have this great and over whelming confidence to the point that when they look in a mirror they dont at all doubt themselves. But who can honestly say that this happens all the time? http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reflection?s=t
Come on...seriously. If we are truley honest with our selves everyone will admit that there are days where you look into a mirror and think your eyes look puffy, you need a hair cut cause its the third day in a row of bad hair days. You look fat, your boobs arnt as firm as they were when you were 19, you hate what you are wearing and go change it for the third time. Uh oh theres another grey hair, or your roots are starting to show and people may realize that you are not a natural red head. I am not talking about myself by the way.... ;)
Men have their insecuritys also. Is my hair line receding, is there a bald spot growing on the top of my head that I cant see? Can I grow my hair in such a way that I can cover the hair loss? Should I grow a beard or mustache? Should I shave it? My wife really likes when I have face hair though. Should I wear this concert t-shirt from the 80s that doesnt fit anymore? Whats wrong with the socks that I wear with sandles? Am I going grey or silver? Are they laugh lines or just wrinkles?
If you are in you adolescence well forget it; they think about what others think of them from the time they wake up till the time they go to sleep. Regardless of how hard they try to show that they dont care. Thank goodness for the time they sleep so they can give their brains a break! The point here is everyone from time to time of any and all ages wonders what others think of them from one degree to another.
So how do we deal with the ugly things that we tell our selves? If you think about it concern for what others are thinking or saying about us is worse when we are at our worse. When we are feeling crappy because we are tired, or not feeling physically, mentally, and or emotionally 100 percent it is important to have people around us that say what we want to hear. (I actually believe that this is in the top five reasons for people to get married.) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201305/do-self-affirmations-work-revisit
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201303/fifteen-reasons-we-need-friends
Now this is where it gets tricky. I dont think anyone wants someone to tell them that the hair color you have been using for five years looks great when it actually doesnt. BUT there is a nice way to put it. "I think you look better as a brunette." Your girl friend asks do I look fat in this, she kinda knows she does. BUT if you say yes all hell is going to break loose and not because you agreed with her but because you were so wonderful at being compassionate in your presentation...sarcasm. You could say something like,"I always liked that (insert another outfit here) why dont you wear that one? You always look beautiful in that." (Make sure and use the word beautiful girls like that. She says no I wore that last time, then suggest another outfit. If you attempt to say,"I dont kow hun you look great in everything." She will know that you are being a lazy son of a bitch and are bascially saying that you dont care about how she looks. AND excuse me we care about how we look for our men. So buck up and take a few minutes out of your busy computer/tv schedule and get involved.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Way-to-Always-Say-the-Right-Thing-in-Any-Situation
Now lets talk about that friend who always has an opinion about your life. She never comes out and says whats on her mind she just dances around what she really thinks about you by suggesting all these grate things that she has read (on the internet by the way) that would really be good for you...sigh....I have fired alot of these people out of my life for one reason. The reason is not because they make the suggestions it is because if you attempt to suggest something back to them, or tell them nicely that your not really interested in their suggestion they get all but hurt and take it very personally.
Anyone who makes suggestions about what they think you need to be happier has put themselves into the inner circle of your life for a couple of reasons. One you have probably shared something personal with them and two they are attempting to be compassionate and help. Here is the acid test for this scenario. Start off small when sharing something personal. Then when returning the favor by being there for them, and offering them in return loving, compassionate advice if they dont take it well then ask yourself,"Did I not handle this well? or is this person just a control freak?" Want to know the answer to that? Ask your friend the answer should give a pretty clear cut explanation and let you know how you want to proceed further in the relationship.
Heres how this all ties together. Giving and getting advice from anything is a tricky thing. It is not good to assume that everyone we surround ourselves with is going to tell us what we need to here. (You will notice that I didnt say what we want to hear...they are two different things. What we need to hear is healthy, what we want to hear is not always.) We want to hear praise when we are feeling down and insecure. But we also want to hear the truth...at least I do, and many others that I know do also. It would be great if people could also tell the truth with out attaching bad feelings to them also, but the reality of the situation is if you hurt someone then they may feel the need to express that hurt through anger, disappointment, and other emotions that you might find uncomfortable. I have said it before and Ill say it again...buck up put on your big person pants and be accountable.
The Pith of the Matter is this. Most of us are smart enough to percieve honesty, love, compassion, respect and selfless behavior in some one else even when it is used with emotions that make us uncomfortable. When you find that you are face to face with some one who keeps on suggesting alternatives to your life and they do not have these qualitys it is time to take them out of your inner circle of friends. I have two people in my inner circle; my husband and my sister. All of us have been through alot of stuff in our lives; but we understand each other, each others thoughts, and feelings with love and compassion. I dont think these people always have to be family, but in my experience it is difficult finding a friend who truly understands who you are.
When we look in the mirror what we want reflected back to us is the very best possible version of us. When we look into some ones eyes we want the same reflection. A mirror is unconditional, it will show us exactly what we want to see. So are the eyes of some one who truly loves us. The unconditional love that we all seek only happens after years and years of condtions. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conditional?s=t If you truly want to have a relationship in some ones inner circle then you have to learn what are the conditions for being accepted are. Why would anyone let just anyone into that inner circle? Would you let a mass murderer in? Would you subject yourself to abuse? The idea of unconditional does not exsist and it is for people who have never experienced a truly long loving relationship.
Learning what it takes to make and keep a relationship is enduring. It not only builds your self esteem but that of the other persons. It says you are worth my time. Which comes full circle to the reflection thing again. What many people dont realize about the reflection they see in the mirror is this. May be, just may be you dont like the reflection you see not because of what others dont reflect onto you but what you reflect onto them. In firing certain people from my life it was not so much because I didnt like what they wernt reflecting in their eyes when they looked at me, it was that I didnt like my reflection in the mirror for tolerating it. They were bad choices for inner circle people and I didnt like myself for it. Once I changed that scenario I liked what I saw in the mirror and the people who truley belonged in my inner circle reflected the happiness that I felt in their eyes back onto me. I like what I see in the mirror, the eyes that look back at me reflect what I want to see and this in turn is reflected from me onto others and from them back onto me.
“In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.” -Buddha
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