Dispensable

         
          
To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.
-Buddha



          Years ago before I really became Buddhist and while I was still working in child care I had a moment, which at the time I didn't identify as such, but turned out to be, a defining moment in my life.  A moment which changed my path.  Which brought me to where I am now.
          The Director of the child care I was working at said to me, "You are dispensable you know."   This statement didn't come after a screw up, or because I was not a hard worker, or anything that would lead you to believe that perhaps I deserved to be reminded that the job I had was transitional.  It came after a parent came into the center and shared, in frustration, that the teacher of one of her children was not meeting the needs of said child, she followed this vent with the comment,
"Miss Adriane is the only teacher here worth anything."  This compliment to me was not taken as a compliment to the person(s) whom it was directed at; she complained to the Director and the directors response was to try and make me feel small about the compliment...like some how I conspired with this parent and encouraged her to make this statement. 
          After hearing this I did feel more than a little put out.  I went home and told my hubby what had happened.  He sat patiently and listened to me and then to my dismay said, "she's right."  Before I could become upset with him he quickly followed it with, "we can all be replaced babe.  Will some one do the job like you do with the same passion and heart?  No.  But you can be replaced." 
          I thought about all of this for awhile.  At first I was angry.  I had invested ALOT of myself, my time, money, etc. into this job.  Even after they had, quite frankly, and with out going into detail, treated me with little respect and made me responsible for incidences that were not my fault.  It was hard to argue with their logic, when faced with some thing that you knew was not your doing, because it was followed with the threat of be quiet about it or not only will you loose your job, but we will ensure that you are unable to get a job any place else.  True story...not kidding, or over exaggerating, which I assume some of you may think because I do love to tell a good story.  I love the truth more though.
          While this was going on I was in a transitional state of my life.  I didn't know then, but I know now, how important all the decisions I would make for my self would be.  I continued to go into work but now I was detached from the job.  I was done...Not only was I not being noticed, or appreciated, for all the time I had given to my job but evidently I was dispensable, and no one likes to feel that way to anyone anywhere.  I had given them ALOT of free time; training and representing them with pride at state and local conferences.  I always came in early on my own time to prepare for the day and stayed late on my own time when needed; usually for the sake of a child.  I went to trainings, learned what I could, helped parents, family's and children.   How dare that director say something so obviously disrespectful.  This all happened when hubby and I were also preparing to move and while we were having difficulty's with our eldest child.  I was frankly over it all. 
          I decided I was setting my priorities wrong.  My family should come first and I had been taking too much time away from them for my job.  I should be putting my self first more often instead of this job.  A job that decided that it was more important to control with fear, then praise.  I stopped coming in early and stopped staying late.  I said no to doing extra work that I wasn't getting paid for.  I put my self and my family first and did it with a vengeance.
         A couple of weeks went by and my director, noticing a change in my attitude asked me, completely forgetting at this point what she had said to me, what was going on with me?  I looked at her and said, "You know, I'm ok with being dispensable."  Because she didn't remember what she had said to me she was confused by what I said.   She informed the owner of the business and a couple of days later I found myself sitting in a meeting with both of them being questioned not out of concern for my well being, but because they were afraid that something I would say and do would affect the business.  I was reminded what a privilege it was to be asked to do trainings (for free) and how it benefited me (and mostly them.)  This could all be taken away from me.  When I was asked questions, and I replied quietly, respectfully, politely, I was immediately tsk tsk'd.  Literally.  Tsk'd... 
          It didn't matter that my track record of loyalty and dedication to the job should be the judge, they were judging me based on there own personal behavior.  And this frightened me.  It was at this point that my life took on a different definition.  It came to me in a sudden wave of understanding.  It was almost like I could see into the future and with it came a feeling of peace.
           I had allowed myself to become angry over something that was said by three people when they were upset.  That parent was upset with another teacher and gave me a compliment under duress.  The person working the front desk took it personally and not only complained to the director, but gossiped to everyone who would listen.  The director upset with having to deal with all of it decided it was easier to just deal with me over the whole thing instead of dealing with the bigger picture which is how her center was being run.   I heard often a saying while working there.  A child care center reflects the director. 
           She could have ignored that saying and just addressed the teacher in question and the gossip, but honestly, she liked to gossip too.  Who doesn't some times really.  It is much easier to handle one person then a group.  Now I know that I was given way too much credit and power for that situation.
          I felt fear because I had first hand knowledge of how these women manipulated situations to ensure the illusion of what they had built.  Their manipulations were not only directed at me, but a whole bunch of people before me.  How do you sit and argue with people who have already decided your fate?  You don't.  You keep it to yourself and silently say thank you to the universe that you found this out and are able to get out from under it.
          Here is the Pith of the Matter and my reason for this blog. There are still a couple of people in my life whom not only associate with this director, but still work at the child care in question.  For awhile it bothered me; especially when I heard that my name was brought up in association with the distortions they built to protect their business. 
          I felt a certain amount of threat emanating from this place and the people who run it.  They had made it quite clear to me, and others by the way, that if any discussion took place, in any shape or form, that could be considered liable, and affected their business they would hold me responsible, while at the same time ensuring that they were allowed to mess with my reputation, my lively hood where they saw fit.  I am aware that there is liable information in my staff folder that they have no problem sharing when they see fit.  And this bothers me.  I think it would bother anyone to know that some one can manipulate your life.  Based on past experience with some of these people I wonder if one of them is once again having a bad day will they once again hold me responsible and give me a bad reference?  It frustrates me to know that so much of our lives really are dependent upon others and with that said why do we choose to set up scenarios where others will fail.  What are we suppose to learn when some one makes sure we are unable to succeed?  Then I read something.

"That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence.  It is the ordinary state of affairs.  Everything is in process.  Everything-every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate-is always changing, moment to moment.  We don't have to be mystics or physicists to know this.  Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact.  It means that life isn't always going to go our way.  It means there's loss as well as gain.  And we don't like that."   -Pema Chodron  "The Places That Scare You"

And this.

"I feel gratitude to the Buddha for pointing out that what we struggle against all our lives can be acknowledged as ordinary experience.  Life does continually go up and down.  People and situations are unpredictable and so is everything else.  Everybody knows the pain of getting what we don't want: saints, sinners, winners, losers.  I feel gratitude that someone saw the truth and pointed out that we don't suffer this kind of pain because of our personal inability to get things right."

          I had been carrying around a certain amount of resentment for years towards this place and some of the people in it.  Why?  Because they encouraged me to see something in myself that I didn't want to see, and most of all I was angry because I let them.  Like them I choose to focus on the down side of the situation.  Everyone was angry, and I decided, I choose, to be angry also.  My nature is also such that I feel the urge to warn everyone, to save them the possible same bad experience that I had. Then it occurred to me. 
           I did learn something from working there and it is worth sharing.  Was it the glowing, respectful, reference I hoped I deserved associated with all the hard work I gave?  No.  But I do get a reference.  And it is a good one.  AND it is the truth as they know it to be.  Is it my truth?  No.  Does it matter that my truth is different from theirs....and here is the clincher.  Not any more. 
          I could at this point go into detail about all the truths.  I could spend a lot of time telling everyone the exact details of every situation that they say was solely my, or some one else's doing, taking the focus off of their obvious mistake.  But the bottom line is this.  Who really cares? 
          Mistakes are to be used to learn from, to empower us into success, to bring us to a greater understanding of each other and encourage unity.  The universe has a way of making you do what it needs from you; of putting you on the path you are suppose to be on.  NOw that I am on the right path I understand this.
          I am dispensable.  I am ever changing, transitional, and so is everyone around me, and everything I touch.  Ultimately that is the most important thing I learned from having that experience and it is more valuable then I knew.  While human nature still wants to know that I was of value to this place and the people; the value I hold for myself, the job I did for them, the intentions behind all of it sustains me, and internally motivates me, to think well of myself and continue to always do the kind, compassionate thing.   There will always be a teacher inside of me striving to be the best possible role model for everyone who comes in contact with me.  That is a truth that I can live with and will never dispense of.  Thank you for the lesson whether you were aware what you were teaching or not it is appreciated.

Emaho  Namaste  Peace out

“Which of us can resist the temptation of being thought indispensable?”
― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

tags: indispensable, temptation

“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.”
― Charles de Gaulle

tags: graveyards, greatness, indispensable

 

(Buddhist quotes on fear)

 

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
“It is better to travel well than to arrive.”
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”
“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.”
“There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.”
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”
“What we think, we become.“