I remember years ago a younger woman, in her twenties, asked me, I was in my forty's at the time, what it took to have a successful marriage. I remember replying, "being truly in love helps because when you go through the phases where you don't like each other much love is really what will keep you together." Love helps you remember why you married the person in the first place while you are looking at the mustache hairs on the bathroom sink that you have asked him four billion times before to please wipe up and his reply is either, "sorry I didn't notice them," or "I didn't have time I needed to get to work," or my personal favorite, " I forgot." Really?...I needed to get to work too but I didn't leave a tampon around for you to clean up. But I didn't say this because his reply would be something to the extent of, "its not the same tampons are gross..." My reply would be uh hellloooo I find mustache hairs gross. Then a debate about why each one is gross would ensue which, at the end, he would understand that it is not for him to judge the level of some one else's grossness, its his job to clean up after himself because Im not his mother. I divert...sorry. This scenario is a good example of what I am about to write about how ever.
The second thing I shared with the young woman was adaptability. Rolling with the changes, and understanding that while there are certain constants in your significant others personality that will never change (which can be a good and bad thing) there will be a lot that will. If you cant change with each other through the years there will be problems.
Now after 30+ years I am going to add another one. Respect. I've had more than one conversation with other married people, newly married and long time married. I've listened to them share things that they would never consider doing/saying to the other person. Things that would send a clear cut message of disrespect. In my experience, both as a married person and in my career, I think these things hold more than a little merit.
All of these things had one common denominator; respect. What you say. How you say it. What you do, and how you do it, says a lot about not only what you think, and feel, about the other person but also what, and how, you feel about yourself, and your place in the relationship.
Lets take an extreme example to begin with. Domestic violence/abuse. The abuser is showing absolutely no respect to his spouse. And in fact no respect to himself. Violence in any situation is the easy way out. It is considered to be the last resort when nothing else has worked. Violence is the reaction (not response) of some one who is feeing out of control. So in an abusive relationship if someone is resorting to violence right away, or often what does that say? Ill let you think on that for a bit.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CJPR_LbYiL4CFWcS7AodlQwAUA
Now lets go to the opposite extreme and meditate on a couple who never has any disagreements at all. This is not healthy either. There is a difference between conflict and confrontation. Confrontation is good, it opens up lines of communication and resolves issues. I think it is a bit unrealistic to think that a good relationship should not have issues to resolve and confront. Your spending a life with another person. Building a life with another person. You mean to tell me that you guys are so much alike that you never have disagreements about how anything is suppose to go? With all due respect...how boring. We learn from others through our differences. If their are no differences between you and significant other then where does the growing begin? Here is a link, although there are a few on this topic; you will notice the last sign that a relationship is in trouble is passivity.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/10-signs-your-relationship-trouble
While domestic abusers are primarily men, women can be abusers too. Women will beat on their significant others, but more often than not women will verbally abuse them. Their stream of crap that spews out of a females voice all in the name of love is amazing to me. And amazing as in wtf did you really just try to justify your verbal abuse by telling me that you do it cause you love him or that it is all about equality? SHENANIGANS!!! You want equality? Then just act like a compassionate, loving, decent human being! sheesh....
http://www.forrelationshiphelp.com/3976/relationship-help-passive-aggressive-behavior-is-crazy-making
Women also have a tendency to control by trying to be more knowledgeable, and/or intelligent. They will imply that their significant other doesn't have a clue about 99.9% of life in general and there fore it is the females job to control every aspect of their life together. This of course is done with the other persons best interest at heart...bleh. Its not really done for their protection its done for yours! Your just afraid of being outside of your comfort zone. Or worse yet what happens if your not ready/equipped to deal with what the other person brings to your life? Well once again...learning experiences! We learn from mistakes!
For those women who think that they don't need to praise their significant others this is what I have to say about that. You talk nicest to the person whom you intend to spend your life with. Does this mean that you are not honest or don't speak your mind/feelings? NO! But there should very seldom be anything said, or done, that makes someone else regret being married to you! AND there should never be a time where someone is afraid to be married to you! There is a difference between voicing concerns, feelings, opinions about a choice that your significant other is going to make, or has made, that will effect both of you, and someone saying, straight out, that you are not allowed to do that. Let me give you an example.
http://marriage.about.com/od/communicationtips/a/conversation.htm
My hubby is a big motorcycle rider. Has been riding them off and on since he was 14 years old. I would never think of telling him that he cant ride anymore because of my fear that some asshole will not be paying attention behind the wheel one day and hit my love. What I can say is that I don't want you riding to work because one of the only routes is on I-4 and anyone who lives in Florida will immediately shake their heads in agreement with me. I-4 is a nightmare for car drivers...almost un-ride able for bikers. See the difference? I would never insist that he give up something that he loves, but I can insist that he not go where his life is in danger, and our life together for that matter.
I don't tell hubby how to do his job. (Unless he asks.) How he does his job is his business. Him not working and not bringing home a paycheck to contribute to our life together is our business. If I'm not working I don't complain that he doesn't do enough around the house. I try to do more in fact. HOWEVER I am not his maid, or his mom, so appreciation is expected and he is still expected to pick up after himself.
I honestly can share that sometimes I do get a little tired of trying to stroke his ego. And other women have shared the same things about their significant others. (sorry guys) On those days however I can look at my hubby and say,"I'm really tired today can you please just go do this for me?" Or, "I'm really tired, I'm going up stairs and just want to be anti social." he will do the same with me by the way. Being married does not mean that you have to be together doing things together all the time.
I can also share the hubby, and I, have had our share of saying some pretty nasty things to each other. But we apologize. More importantly we have learned that it is important to show respect by backing up the apology with actions. If I tell hubby I'm sorry for the way I acted, but not the things I said, then next time I learn to act differently when I say them. Its very hard to listen past some ones emotions, a little emotion is appropriate, irrational kind is no,t and will cloud the message.
http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/compliment-spouse-14879.html
If you ever are so angry that you can no longer say things respectfully, and politely, then you need to take a break. If you feel like you are so frustrated that you want to physically hurt the other person then you take a break. AND if you find that you have any of these feelings a lot then get marriage counseling. Hubby and I have always gotten what we call maintenance checks through out our relationship. In our experience there will be times where A) You cannot agree on something and you need a mediator. or B) You are having a hard time liking each other and need someone to brag too, basically so you can remember why you like the person. Marriage counselors are great to brag to. They have the knack of helping you remember why the person you are married to is awesome. ;)
When hubby and I had issues we also learned and put into effect an anger management plan. Yeah I know...I felt the same way, but after using one for years it works; this is how and why. Anger management plans are put into effect when neither one of you is angry. You both have to agree to what you put on it and negotiate points. For instance. Hubby gets angrier faster than I do and when this happens he gets verbal diarrhea that he is sorry for later. SO if he say I need to take a break I know its because he doesn't want to say something he will regret later and needs a time out. In return he has to return to the issue at hand with in a 24 hour period and complete the conversation. This agreement was done when we were both in a good place. We agreed to all the points and the result is that most issues get resolved faster with little to no hurt feelings. We feel successful in our marriage, our communication, and running of our joint life! Works 85% of the time which is pretty fricken good. ;)
http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/anger-management-worksheets.html
https://www.researchpress.com/sites/default/files/books/addContent/5232.pdf
http://www.imom.com/parenting/tweens/parenting/training/anger-five-steps-toward-an-anger-management-plan/
The idea behind a marriage is not to have someone at your disposal 24/7 to make your life easier. So that you can do less. The other person is there to pick up the loose ends when you are unable to manage them. To be your cheering section. To listen to your hopes, dreams, and even sorrows, and sometimes anger. The other person is a witness to your life. When a witness takes the stand in your defense; what do you want them to say about you? Does this mean not being who you are? Of course not! You want them to be honest don't you? But do you want to be perceived as a person who just experiences tough times every once in awhile; that required your loved ones help, or just a difficult, self centered, selfish, unhappy person in general?
I have observed, on more than one occasion, how people, in happy healthy relationships, support each other when there is an illness and/or crises in their relationship. My own included. It is interesting to me that the person experiencing the illness/challenge is more often than not more concerned about their loved one then the loved one is about them? Well I take that back, its pretty even. Even in long term care the person being cared for showed love, compassion, and respect for the person doing the caring. I think this is one of the true identifiers of true love. Knowing and being compassionate to the fact that the person who is altering their life to care for you still needs caring for also. So even if you are unable to physically do something to alleviate the caregivers suffering, being able to verbally praise, and give love, and compassion, respect, and nurturing is very important. It shows that you notice and appreciate.
http://www.caregiverstress.com/
http://www.zenfamilyhabits.net/2009/12/20-simple-ways-to-show-appreciation/
I have said it before and I'm going to say it again. When you get married you sign a contract. Having a marriage makes your relationship conditional! Marriage vows make your relationship conditional. Unconditional means that someone will love you no matter what. This is deceiving. Too many people think this gives them permission to behave badly in a relationship and then they get confused, angry, depressed, etc. when their significant other has decided that they love them, but refuse to be treated badly by them! All good contracts require compromise, and respect. When one person is doing more compromising, more giving, getting less respect, praise, and doing more work, the majority of the time, I can pretty much guarantee that the relationship is in trouble. Both people need to be happy for a marriage to work. Do you have to be happy all the time or at the same time NO. But in the end it should be fairly equal. This is a deadline goal.
What about persons who are in a committed relationship with out the marriage contract? Well in my opinion marriage is not for everyone. But most people do want some kind of sustaining, full filling relationship. I also know a few of these people. My eldest adopted son has been in one for well over a decade and, contrary to how he and his long time love feel some times, their relationship is functional. They are both intelligent enough people to not stay in it if it wasn't. ;) The point here is if you make a decision to participate in a healthy loving functional relationship than make sure that you participate! Make the commitment to do so! Uh oh the "C" word! Here is the definition of commitment; http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/commitment not seeing anything negative about it.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships?gclid=CObQp9DjiL4CFY3m7AodBT0A_w
I know I make many aspects of my life, marriage included sound perfect. Well its not. And that is what makes marriage so great. Did I feel frazzled, and over whelmed, when we had to move for my hubbys job? Sure! Did I get emotional sometimes about it, worn out, feel defeated sometimes? Absolutely. Did I let my feelings take priority over the fact that a career move out of state would benefit not only hubbys career but our family? NO! Would he have done the same for me? YES! Was he patient while I didn't work and went back to school diminishing our income by a third. YES! Did he complain? NEVER! Did we have to cut back on luxury's as a couple? Yep. The give and take scenarios are more then I can write.
https://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/HappyMarriage.aspx
What did we learn from all of this? We can endure a lot more together then alone. We can achieve much more with the loving help and support of someone else. Having the praise, support, love, compassion, and respect of a loved one really is a positive motivating factor in life. Looking back we learned from our mistakes, and every time did it differently, and better. We were able to succeed in much more of life together than apart. Most importantly we learned that giving of ourselves to someone we love is a gift. It is the greatest gift we could give or receive. My hubby truly knows all of my dirty little secrets, and vice versa...yes you can take that last sentence anyway you want. ;)
Another benefit to treating each other with respect is kids. Our kids were watching and learning from us. Now with out going into detail I will share that hubby and I made some pretty big fuck ups...not kidding...huge...BIG. What did our kids learn form this? Confidence! Security! Problem solving! Everyone is imperfect! People handle things differently! Patience! Really, the list is endless.
They saw that over the course of 30 years we grew as people. We still make mistakes because life, and the universe, are not done with us. But as we progress through both we feel more confident as individuals, and as a couple, because quite honestly....been there done that. We are also able to free ourselves up, and open ourselves up, to other possibility's. Things that we haven't considered doing till now. After 30 + years together we are still learning! Having that person beside you, knowing who you really are, who still likes you and encourages you forward even when you feel old, tired, and worn out, is better than a paycheck...no matter how big it is.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development
In human development it is suggested that it is better for younger humans to try and experiment with different aspects of life. Younger humans are wired to do this more effectively. As we mature we see much of this behavior as impulsive. But actually taking risks when you are younger is good; it prepares you to be more confident in older phases of life. BUT I also believe that as we mature the reason we gain more confidence is so we can do things that perhaps we were not ready to do when we were younger.
May be the reason we didn't travel more was because, as individuals, we were just not ready yet. May be the reason we got that red convertible when we were in our forty's is, not only because of the money but, because now we can not only enjoy driving it, but we know how to care for it, and make the enjoyment last. (We have also learned to avoid speeding tickets...although my sons would disagree with that one.)
All of life is a progression that leads us to the inevitable end. Shouldn't each progression teach us something? And in order to get through it it helps to have someone, or a group of someone's, cheering you on, loving you, and knowing what you need all the way to the deadline. The only way to establish relationships where someone truly understands what you need to progress forward in life is to establish, and nurture, loving, compassionate, respectful relationships. Marriage is one of these.
NOW I know many people who have lived VERY successful lives with out being married. AND these people have the knack for being able to establish friendship's etc. with seemingly effortlessness. They also have a very high internal motivator; which means that they are driven by living a meaningful, quality life, that makes them feel inspired with out any, or very little, help from others. These people are amazing to me and I am always in awe of them. :D I know a couple of woman who I highly respect who have chosen this life path...sometimes I am jealous of them. But the majority of us are wired to be in a relationship.
Pith of the Matter:
Was doing some research yesterday on women in Buddhism. While I was reading I found a quote, "You must always approach things with the attitude that you can be successful." -Sayadaw U Pandita. This is true! We all know some one who looks at life in general with pessimism. They throw around a lot of blame. Its some one else's fault they can't be happy. Its their health, the way they were raised, the universe, they are not wired to be happy...blah blah blah. Sigh.....I find these people exhausting; Its almost like they need constant encouragement to get through life and be successful at it. The bottom line, how ever, is that they: one- don't trust themselves enough to know that they can provide their own happiness, be happy. Two- they have no respect for themselves and the life they have chosen to contribute to. In my experience these people need to be detached from. It is tough love. There is nothing you can do for them; they need to find out for them selves. And I always believe they will. http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/128683/detachment/
So imagine if you are married to one of these persons? OR imagine if you are that person, and the one you love is being challenged by you? If the only way to remedy some behaviors is tough love where does that eventually put the relationship? I think in all relationships that last decades there is a time where one person says to the other one something here needs to change. I'm not happy to the point where this could end our relationship. When that choice is presented to you what will you do? In the end we have to live with ourselves first. In my opinion saying, and doing, the right thing motivates me positively. Does this mean that I don't say anything at all? No. It means that I am mindful about how I speak to others. I am especially mindful about how I speak to persons whom I have a contract with.
http://www.dharmanet.org/wisdomweek2.htm
http://buddhism.about.com/od/theeightfoldpath/a/rightspeech.htm
We all understand the concept of deadlines. They are goals for completing something, usually work associated. But they can also apply to completion of school, saving up money, and marriage. May be it is harder for people to understand successful completion as it applies to a relationship because the deadline is open ended? But I guarantee your, or the other persons life is going to end; that end is a deadline. What are your goals for successful completion then? Be mindful, compassionate, loving, kind, and respectful to yourself and to everyone you meet. Then having a lasting relationship will come easy. Understand that all relationships have a deadline; a time by which something must be finished, a line or limit that must not be passed. You can look at this with optimism, or pessimism, it is your attitude that will define the marriage deadline.
You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it be surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. -Epicurus
A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them-they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. -Rainer Maria Rilke
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