Sunday, December 23, 2012

Happy Holidays To All!!




Another holiday season is upon us.  I have mentioned, often, that the holidays have, evolved for us here in the Bungart Elder house.   We use to look upon this time of year solely as a christian holiday;  now it is the season of giving.  
This year instead of giving to each other we all decided, elders, children and friends of family, to give to a family less fortunate then us.  None of us are wealthy people; but we know how to live comfortably and happily with in our means.  We all have jobs, homes, spouses, children, health, love and warmth surrounds us all.  We are aware that some dont have this.   We all gave to a single mother of five who's husband has passed away.   My son and I dropped the two boxes of gifts, a large box of food and a 12 pound ham off to the church my husband attends.  The social worker there nearly cried; especially when I told her we all wanted to stay completely anonomous.
I know I know, writing about it perhaps is looking for attention; but I want to use it for a couple of other reasons.  One to stress the importance of what this season is really about.  You know in my and my husbands effort to compromise our choosen spiritualitys during this holiday season we stumbled upon the true meaning of Christmas and I got caught up in the spirit of it too.   While I strive all year round to be kind and giving these feelings are deffinetely in abundance now.   I find myself humming Christmas songs and wish everyone a Happy Holidays while my husband looks at me smiling and says a bit louder MERRY CHRISTMAS!  :)  WOuldn't it be nice if we could have this feeling more than just once a year?  I think I may have to work something up in this area...another blog to follow later.
Two-yes it is important to remember our loved ones during this time.  Kids dont completely understand giving to others before you give to them, so we waited till our kids were all adults to make our giving choice.  BUT now I truley wish that we had done more of this while the kids were younger.   The learning opportunity, the teachable moment, is the feelings you give, and get, when you make total strangers smile and happy.  Empathy is kinda in us at birth, but if someone does not help us develop it that feeling does not mature.   People so often associate empathy with bad feelings; sorrow, anger, frustraion, etc. but empathy is not specific to those particular feelings.  We can also learn how to feel joy, happiness, relief, tears of joy, by doing something absolutely wonderful and unexpected for someone also.   Children learn more when they are praised; isnt giving, and the feelings attached to it, a form of praise children should learn?  I think so.
Three...well, I admit, there is a way to celebrate being Buddhist and Christian all at the same time.   The whole giving, loving kindness, compassionate, thing works.  I think it is important that in the United States that we remember that while we are predominently a Christian nation there are others in the same nation, same state, same city, same neighborhood, same street, mabey even a neighbor, friend or family member who are not christian.  The common demoniator is the season of giving!  No matter what your spirituality almost every religion will give at this time of year.  So how about we give a little more tolerance and understanding towards each other; even if you cant give from your pocket you can give from your heart.
Finally a shout out to my loved ones.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!  To all my family and friends with out which my life, and the world as a whole would be less.  I am a better person for having you all in my life.  :)  This also goes for school chums, teachers etc.  Everyone I know enriches my life some how.  Thank you!  Happy Holidays and keep on giving!  What you give of yourself is the best gift of all!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Sensational Sensationalism

         


          A few months ago we decided to do away with tv.  When I mean tv I mean local braodcasts and cable.  We switched to streaming which enabled us to pick and choose what we wanted to be interested in...therefore eliminateing our chances of being exposed to too much (I will say this frankly) bull shit.   We do not miss the news.  I actually stopped watching the news after 9/11.  I was working in a child care at the time and was not only stunned, but angered, that the care givers turned the news on tv, and on the radios, and let it play continuously, all day, in front of the children.  I went from room to room (being the Curriculum Director at the time) and politely explained to all the care givers why this was inapporpriate, and to please turn it off.  For weeks and months later children were building block towers and crashing planes into them...not kidding, really happened.   Where am I going with this?
          This last week we were confronted with another historic tragedy in America.  The shootings at Sandy Cook Elementary in Newtown Connecticut.   In all tragedys, that include children, the crime suddenly becomes much more real.  Take an adults life and we can all justify it a little easier.   Their time had come; they lived a full life.   It is far harder to say this about children.  
          It is human nature to look for someone, or something, to blame; other than ourselves.   So we naturally turn to the person (or persons) who committed the crime.   But something funny happens...after we start looking for the reasons why anyone would committ such hurt, and sorrow, on an innocent person(s) we start to realize that the answers are not so clear cut.  Well of course theyre not, we're dealing with people.   Even the most qualified, expert on human nature, or society, or psychology, human development; basically anyone very knowledgeable in the human sciences, will tell you that the social sciences are not an exact science.  Ironic isnt it.  No one can ever really know what is going on in another persons mind, heart or soul.  So where do we go from here?
         Well... then we blame the weapon.   We cant control people, but we can control guns.  We cant control planes crashing into the twin towers, but we can control who is getting on them and what is being brought onto the planes.   We cant control the person who makes a bomb, but we can control where he got the information.  We cant control mental illness but we can control the medications....or can we?  uh oh   I guarentee the one common thread that every mass murderer has in common is some kind of mental, and/ or emotional instability.
          Timmothy McVae who killed 168 people including one whole child care filled with children, younger than the ones at Sandy Cook Elementary, was not dealing with a full deck.  Ordinary people do not do what he did.   Ordinary people do not fly planes into sky scrapers and government facilites, and ordinary people do not shoot people in movie theatres, gymnasiums, universitys, colleges, OR elementary schools.
          Why are we seeing more of this?  Is it the news?  Did this really all go on before mass media and now we are just more aware of it?  I have strong opinions regarding the news.   Most news stations are not in the business of news; they are in the business of money.   The more sensational they can make anything so called news sound the more viewers they get; which means more money.   You never hear about any great news reporting coming out of some small remote town; why?  NO MONEY!  Is the news even equal in their broadcasting of happy, great accomplishments from random normal people?  No...there's no money in it.  People won't watch it.   As a whole the norm is not interested in the facts, or even the truth, they want to be entertained.
          When I wanted to find out the facts concerning the shooting I did not watch the news...I went to the internet, and with all due respect to the internet, information, even on computers, does not travel that accurately, that fast, so even my internet research was limited by choice and I have not researched anything for the last 24 hours.   After about a week I will check stuff out, and even then I am not going to go to any well known major news sites.  They will all have the same thing to say for entertainment purposes.  Want the real information?  Search out those people who are accused of being paranoid conspiracy theory freaks.  Yeah I admit some of them are a little off the wall.  But heres the thing.  It takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch.   If you take the time to read through things you are going to find the truth.  If you are wise about our government, and how it runs, it doesnt take a brain surgeon to figure out what is really happening.  Which leads me to the real reason for this blog.
          Perhaps the reason we are seeing more incidences of this is because of the increase of persons taking medications to address so many of their so called issues.  There is a pill for everything these days.   Over 60% of the clients I use to help were depressed, and or suffereing from anxiety.  One 8 year old boy had a dual diagnosis of bi-polar and schizophrenia; this is impossible by the way.  Go look up why a doctor would make this diagnosis on an 8 year old child, what you will find will shock and horrify you.   We take a pill to suppress eating, to encourage our apatite, to sleep, to stay awake, to concentrate, to relax, to make us feel happy, to keep us from feeling too happy.  Basically what the doctors, who are paid by the pharmacuetical companys are doing is teaching us to be very...grey.   Unfeeling, unquestioning, people...sound extreme?  Mabey...but ask your self what was the last pill you took and why and could you have found a different way to deal with what was challanging you?  Then ask why did I take that pill when I am aware of the alternatives?
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db42.htm
http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidmaris/2012/07/24/1-in-3-american-adults-take-prescription-drugs/
          We have become a society of take a pill to make it better, make it easier, make it quicker, make it last longer.    We rush through conversations, we hurry through meals, run to work, race home, watch at least 4 programs on tv with in a two hour period (not remembering what they were really about), engage in very little meaningful activitys that truely make a difference; and then we wonder why we cant sleep, feel depressed and are full of anxiety.  So we take a pill.  Seriously people.  When was the last time you sat quietly, and watched a tree just do what it does?   Or dont you have time for something that was probably here before you, and will most likely still be there after you are not.   Trees bend in high winds....they don't take pills.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml
          To make things very sad our level of love and compassion towards each other has reached (in my opinion) an all time low.   Many people (In my cozy little facebook corner of the world) have been  posting  their opinions on the recent shootings.  One stood out for me.   It basically said, there were signs, I guarentee it but no one noticed....I agree with this and I weep for us all.
I have stated it before and will continue to do so; the quickest way to make someone feel alone and helpless is to lend no support to them.   I dont think the American public, in general, is aware of how many people out there are in need of something as simple as someone to listen to them, or just a hug.   NOT everyone needs a pill!!!
http://www.traumaregister.co.uk/Articles/Human_Health_Contact.htm
          The pharmacuetical companys do not really care if they are helping anyone!  Their primary concern is to make money!  If this was not true then HOW can they pay pharmacuetical salespeople at least $75,000 a year?   In any profession that is truely people orientated, where love, compassion and doing what is best for human kind is the focus WE ARE ALL POOR AS SHIT!!!  So WTF people!!  Where exactly is your focus these days and your loyaltys?   (Got that out of my system...)  When you take a pill you are making the rich richer.  How about supporting the poor and just care?  So much cheaper, so much more full filling.
http://www.myplan.com/careers/top-ten/highest-paying.php
http://www.myplan.com/careers/top-ten/lowest-paying.php
          When someone succeeds in performing such a devestateing, horrific act I guarentee he, or she, has reached the deepest darkest depths of being human.  We are all capable of this...push anyone too far, to the brink of sanity or survival and you will be surprised at what you are capable of doing.  Ask any abused mother who escaped her abusive husband.   Very few people are born sociopaths, and they are identified pretty early on.  The red flags for this are obvious.  It is very rare that a true sociopath is walking around among us un monitored and if they did fall through the net it is because someone, some where said nothing!  So for anyone to suddenly look upon society as full of evil is...well sad really.   When we dont identify the true facts behind any event we are not progressing as a person, or society.
http://www.gallup.com/poll/150464/americans-believe-crime-worsening.aspx
          Here is something else that is sad.   There was a blurb, some reporter with not enough information shared that the gunman may have had aspergers. !!!!   WHAT!!!   Now suddenly one out of 100 children (which is the supposed number of children with aspergers of varying degree's in the U.S.) are going to suddenly be a threat to every public school in America!  Do you know how many children this is?  You watch...its going to happen.  Uninformed people are suddenly going to be afraid of children with aspergers.  Which by the way is a form of autism.  I have cared for many children with aspergers and NONE of them have ever been a threat to me or others.  geesh...anyways back to my happy place.
http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome
          I am Buddhist, so it is no surprise that I feel great compassion for well alot...I am against violence, and hate in all its forms.   Anger has its place when we know how to express it properally.   I am not really for guns, guns promote violence, but they are not the reason for it, people are.   I am also an American, and I do beleive in our right to own a gun, even if I personally do not.   So how does all of this tie together? 
         Suddenly, once again, we have a reason to want to ban guns.   But anyone who should not have a gun will still find a way to have a gun.  The real issue here is not gunowner ship in American.  The real issue is mental health in America and how we choose, or not choose, to deal with it!   In all the cases of mass murder I guarentee someone, somewhere, knew what the person who committed the crime was capable of.  Did they have a flash of, omg this person is truley evil?  I doubt it.   We all get the flash, that warning signal, that makes us wonder and perhaps think, this person is going to do something ahrmful; to himself, or someone else.  But then we shove it aside thinking that no one, especially someone we know, would be capable of doing anything so horrible.  BUT havnt we been shown too many times that it is possible?  But what do we continue to do? 
          We ignore it time and time again. then afterwards, like uninformed chickens with our heads cut off we start accusing everyone!  The Amr Chair Pyschos come out of their homes and prop their chairs right out into  the open and proceed to start misdiagnosing everyone, saying I told you so and the end of the world is coming; there fore devalueing the real issue.  I tell you those pharmacuetical companys have it made.  They not only get to give pills to those who truley need them, but to those who don't and eventually the arm chair pyscho's! 
          So lets end this shall we and get to the Pith of the Matter.   Information is power.  The more we have, the more we know.  The more we know the wiser we become.  The wiser we are the more loving and compassionate we become.  Its true...a time tested theory called Buddhism; but even if you are not Buddhist it still works.   The next time you hear a freind, a family member, an aquaintance, a school mate, a teacher, a neighbor, the cashier at 7-11...anyone say something that throws up a warning signal STOP!  Dont walk away.  Go back and say whats up?  Im concerned about you?  Then say look Im here for you and I will be watching you to make sure you are ok.  THEN DO IT!!  Recruit others to help!  Form a support network.  Show some love, compassion and kindness.  EVEN if the guy is kinda creepy and gives you the heebie jeebies.  Even if the girl is bat crack crazy!  
          So many times people think if they get involved something bad will happen.  Suddenly they will have no time for what they want to do...really...say after me boundaries.  Or they might get hurt, emotionally or worse physically.  Let me share something with you...social worker (pointing at myself) for 20 plus years, still alive, still pursueing personal life, feels full filled, safe, intellegent, worthy and more than that KNOWS has made others feel the same way, which is priceless.  Want the world to change?   Make the first step you, then pay if forward. 
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/8933.php
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/search.php?q=anxiety&p=1
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=anger-management-self-control
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/search.php?q=suicide&p=1

Monday, December 10, 2012

Stumbling Forward


Stumbling Forward





I have been a Social Worker for over fifteen years; before that I worked in Child Development and have education, training and experience working with special needs of all kinds. (Although I will, and have, debated that being deaf is not a special need and instead a language barrier.) I first went to school for Family Studies in Albuquerque New Mexico. Family Studies puts emphasis on the whole child perspective; in short this means that in order for a child to grow up healthy in all areas of development the family of the child must be included. A family’s interaction and involvement with a child’s development makes the greatest difference in how a child grows and perceives the world.

In 2007 I went to work for Children s Home Society (CHS) which contracts through the Department of Children and Families (DCF) and Community Based Care (CBC). The Department of Children and Families is the agency which responds to allegations of abuse against children; they are also the agency which removes a child from the home, and family. Sometimes this is a necessary action to preserve the health and well being of a child; sometimes, however, there are mistakes which cause harm, instead of safety, to the child and family.

In February 2010 the Department of Children and Families received a Settlement Agreement between DCF, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and Office for Civil Rights. The agreement was designed to help bring DCF into compliance with Title II of the Rehabilitation Act (Section 540) in its provision of healthcare and social services to persons who are deaf or hard of hearing. (Department) First a few explanations of different terms and ideas. What is a 504 plan?

A 504 Plan is a plan developed to ensure that a child with a disability, identified under Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973, attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives accommodations that will provide access to the learning environment. This document assures compliance of Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act and is developed by a team of individuals that may consist of the student with a disability (if appropriate), the student's parent(s), caregiver(s), the student(s) teacher(s), the student counselor, and the 504 co-coordinator. ("AccessSTEM")

The Rehabilitation Act of 1973 was the first major legislative effort to secure an equal playing field for individuals with disabilities. This legislation provides a wide range of services for persons with physical and cognitive disability's. Those disabilities can create significant barriers to full and continued employment, the pursuit of independent living, self determination, and inclusion in American society. ("WebAIM")

Title II is an extension of the section 504 Rehabilitation Act of 1973. Unlike section 504...which only covers programs receiving Federal financial assistance, title II extends to all the activities of State and local governments whether or not they receive Federal funds. ("U.S.")

What does this mean? Well what I know from experience; a 504 ensures that a child, and sometimes the child’s family, will receive accommodations to ensure a child’s, health, well being and success. This idea use to be limited mostly to a child's success in school. Now a 504 ensures success for the child in other areas, especially with in an government agency, such as the Department of Children and Families. A 504 is an agreement, written up by any, and all persons, involved in the accommodations, including, but not limited to, family, the child (age 15 and older), teachers, counselors, social workers, lawyers, etc., that make sure a child, and/or the child’s family, will receive accommodations like, extra time to complete a homework assignment, or a test, wheel chair ramps, a school nurse that ensures medications are taken when, and as, needed, and in the case of the DCF settlement, qualified interpreters and/or auxiliary aids for families who are deaf and/or hard of hearing.

One of the reasons that I took ASL was to learn to communicate with some of the clients I had had while working at CHS. Years ago, while living in New Mexico, I had purchased, on my own, sign language books and taught myself basic signs in order to communicate with the children, and families, in my care. We usually managed by also including writing information down. When I moved to Florida I found the need to know, and learn sign language, greater. The level of frustration that not only the clients I serviced felt, but myself also felt, was great. I had three instances, with three different families, where I would leave homes feeling that their needs were not being adequately met. I would return to the office and speak to the family's case worker from DCF, or CBC, and hit a brick wall. I was told multiple times that there were no interpreters available and that I would have to do my best. I knew, even before I was aware of the settlement agreement, that the system was broke and in need of fixing.

According to Arizona State University’s School of Social Work the definition of Social Work is as follows:

Social Work is a profession dedicated to enhancing human capacity to solve complex social problems in order to create a more humane and just society. One of the cornerstones of social work practice is the focus on the strengths, as opposed to the shortcomings, of individuals, families and communities so that these can be deployed to find creative solutions for complex social problems. The profession is characterized by a steadfast commitment to social justice in the service of empowering individuals, families and communities to meet their needs. (“ASU”)

Recently I was invited to a friends house where I was introduced to her neighbor who was currently working at DCF as a Social Worker. This person found out how much experience I had and proceeded to pick my brain for solutions to some of the issues she was dealing with at DCF. The main issue was finding resources to refer clients to. This person, who I perceived as being passionate at her job had a degree in Accounting. She shared how there is one interpreter which services all of Volusia County, and that there are still very few Social Workers who know, or understand, ASL.

The point here is that, with in my experience working as a Social Worker, Florida has always appeared to be lacking in the definition of Social Work. When I first started working here I initially thought it was the people. Now I believe it is the system in Florida, not the people; it is this system that has a tendency to burn many Social Workers out, leaving persons who are fresh out of school with no experience, or persons, who are not qualified to do the job, to carry the title of Social Worker. Perhaps this reads as sour grapes but the truth of the matter is that this effects the clients. I assume that it was probably an inexperienced, uneducated Social Worker that made the mistake of removing a child from the home of a deaf/ hard of hearing family with out an interpreter. I assume this because persons, whom are my friends, and have been in the Social Work business for some time know better. Which brings me to my next question.

How is the family important to a child’s development? A family is two or more people who are committed to each other and who share intimacy, resources, decision-making responsibilities, and values. (Olson and DeFrain ) So based on this definition if a child is taken from a family does this imply that some, or all of these skills may not be learned by the child? A child knows one family, and unless the child is very young, and able to establish new memory’s, and/ or new connections with another family, then what will the perceptions of the world be for this child? There are many children with in the Foster Care System that never learn the skills a for mentioned that are taught by a family. There are many children who's development, either physically, and/ or cognitively is not where it is suppose to be due to the lack of family. Which leads me to another question; what is the impact of Social Work and the Social Worker upon families and child development?

Social Workers number one priority is to ensure the safety of a human being; most of the time this means children, but it also means persons with special needs (of all ages), elderly people, and other persons in a variety of different circumstances. Knowledge of child development (and perhaps human development in general) is essential for everyone coming in contact with children on a regular bases; including parents, teachers, law officers, school counselors, principles, etc. etc..

Understanding child development is an important step towards being clear about what constitutes a child’s safety and well being and promoting and preserving well being. In Social Work a good working knowledge of child development is a crucial component in family’s support and child protection and in assessing and planning interventions. Can someone with a degree in accounting understand this? More importantly, does a person with no understanding of child development give an agency, like DCF, an excuse for not addressing the needs of a family and/ or child? In the case of the Settlement Agreement a hearing child’s rights were violated because the child was removed from deaf parents. During services the needs of the child were not addressed because adequate communication was not provided. Ultimately not only were there injustices done to the family and child, but also to the Social Work field, and Social Workers, who take there job seriously.

Another aspect to consider is this; is a child's healthy development in jeopardy because;

  1. The family is deaf and unable to meet the needs of the child? (doubtful)
  2. The child is deaf and the family is not meeting the needs of the child? (possible, it does happen)
  3. There are other issues that need to be addressed along with, or separate from, being deaf, or hard of hearing? or
  4. The Social Worker investigating the deaf/ hard of hearing family is having difficulty communicating with said family, and due to lack of experience, and/ or education assumes it is the same for the family?

With out an interpreter it is hard to determine. Another thought, if questions one, or two, are the case is it beneficial to take the child out of the home? Or is it better to address the issues to ensure healthy development of the child? Which takes us back to the whole child perspective of child development.

The whole child perspective takes in to account not only the family, but the child's environment(s), and everyone who comes into contact with the child and the child's environment. To provide effective care and guidance for young children, it is essential that parents, caregivers, and teachers understand the principal concepts of child development...(Allen and Marotz ) When a Social Worker enters a home to evaluate and help a family certain developmental needs are observed; either the child is getting them, or they aren’t. The basic needs for not removing a child from the home are healthy nutritious food in the home, a safe clean environment, warm adequate clothing, a place to sleep, affection, security; but there are other needs also, give and take interactions, acceptance, opportunity’s to learn, healthy interactions with adults and peers, and absence of signs of abuse. These all can be provided in a variety of different ways determined by culture, religion, and special needs.

The Social Worker entering the child's world becomes an important part of the child's world and another role model. So what happens if the Social Worker removes the child from his/ her environment, and family, because of communication issues? Is the message being sent to the child that of,”I have no patience, or tolerance, for what ever communication is, or is not, taking place here?” What message does that send to a child? Differences are to be celebrated in America aren’t they? (Sometimes I weep for the Social Work field.)

Deafness is viewed in different ways by different individuals and groups. Many hearing people consider deafness a disability, a pathological condition. To many Deaf people, deafness is one aspect binding a minority group together, a minority group rich in culture, history, language, and the arts. For many deaf people, being Deaf of Deaf (CODA) is a source of considerable pride. Although clearly a minority within a minority, life can be substantially easier for these individuals. They learn sign language as their native language, which they develop naturally just as hearing babies develop oral language. For these individuals, their deafness is a language difference, not a disability. Most of these individuals consider themselves part of the Deaf community and are active in its activities and clubs, attend Deaf theater, travel in groups, use ASL as their language, and believe that it is important to learn about their culture. (Smith )



In the end DCF has posted on their website all the positive changes that are taking place to their organization and I am optimistic. They are making an effort to be accountable. (http://www.myflfamilies.com/) Hopefully DCF and other organizations working with the deaf and hard of hearing will be able to set an example that spills outside of their organizations.

A quote from and unknown author reads,”Even if you stumble, you're still moving forward.” While the mistakes made with in DCF were heart rending, when we understand the possible effects it could have had upon the child and his/her family, mistakes are their for us to learn from. I believe that the universe has a way of making us do what we are suppose to do. With that said perhaps the Settlement, and everything surrounding it, happened exactly when and how it was meant to be. In the end shouldn't we be glad that it happened! Social Work is an imperfect social science because it deals in human nature. Like anything human there is good and bad, one with out the other would not promote learning. I have always believed, and will always continue to believe that anything that promotes a child being, and feeling whole, no matter how we stumble our way into it, is good.

























Citation Page




Allen, Eileen K., and Lynn R. Marotz. By the Ages: Behavior and Development of Children Pre-Birth through Eight. Canada: Delmar Thomson Learning, 2000. Print.




Olson, David H., and John DeFrain. Marriage and the Family; Diversity and Strengths. 3rd ed. Mountain View, CA.: Mayfield Publishing Company, 2000. Print.




Smith, Deborah Deutsch. Special Education: Teaching in an Age of Challange. 3rd ed. Needham Heights, MA: Viacom, 1998. Print.




"United States Laws; Overview of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 (Sections 504 and 508)." WebAIM. Utah State University. Web. 10 Dec 2012.




. "U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division Disability Rights Section." http://www.ada.gov/t2hlt95.htm. U.S. Department of Justice, 29 2002. Web. 10 Dec 2012.




"What is a 504 Plan?." AccessSTEM. DO-IT University of Washington, 30 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2012.




"What is Social Work." ASU School of Social Work Arizona State University. social.work@asu.edu. Arizona State University. Web. 10 Dec 2012.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Infinite Affinity

Tranquility is not with those who insist their lives have been destroyed by others.  Those who know tranquility take resonsibility for thier own lives. -unknown
 

Holidays are so different here. We don’t dress up, we don’t all gather around the table together and saying grace while holding each others hands. We don’t all argue with each other because we dislike and judge each others life styles. Well...sometimes we will express concerns over how unhappy someone may appear to be; expressing concern is much different that telling someone their life sucks and if they don’t change it they are wrong. Ultimately Joe and I truly do feel confident that all of us will find the path we are suppose to be on eventually and be content; if not exactly happy all the time. What more can we ask for? With that said their was a reoccurring theme over Thankful for family day. (Because in this house we don’t celebrate a day where a culture was attacked and forced off their land; followed by a day called black Friday...sheesh...really fellow Americans? I feel embarrassed sometimes...) Anywhoooo....

Thankful for family day began as usual...we ate, and when we were done digesting we ate some more...after that...well desert...followed by eating, then lets not forget the yearly tradition of eating. While this eating extravaganza goes on we talk, and share, and catch up with each other. The more we eat, and feel full, and contented, the more intimate the conversations become (and the more we loosen our belt buckles). In this whole process of eating, listening, and sharing with everyone I noticed that everyone was basically talking about one thing... attachments. Interesting...and as usual I will explain, but be patient while my brain runs its course.

Joe and I are fairly easy going people. We make opinions on, or criticize, others lifestyle choices extremely little. We try to word everything as a teaching experience; advice is what it is we are not hurt if you don’t take it. Yeah I know we throw comments out everyone in while; but if you come here doing nothing but complaining about the way your life is, and you appear to be unhappy about it, and seem to be struggling, then one of us will probably say something. We are caring people, and also try to be respectfully honest. Joe will just blurt stuff out (respectfully)....I will ask if you want to hear what I think first (usually). I have been thinking though...so many of our problems in life boil down to one thing. The idea of attachment and if everyone understood this idea fully then so many of our feelings attached to things we think we need (or are attached to) would diminish and even go away in some instances. So instead of lecturing on a topic that everyone may not want to listen to I will write about it.

Attachment is a feeling that binds us to a person, thing, or cause. Feelings, for the sake of this discussion, are sensitive, sentient (having the power of perception by the senses and conscious), readily affected by emotion, sympathetic. Emotions are joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc. anything that causes a reaction. There is a difference between reacting and responding. Reaction is defined as a reverse movement, or tendency; an action in a reverse direction or manner; so basically something that is not normal behavior for us. To respond to something means to react favorably with words or action. I have wrote before about feelings. They were given to us as a precursor to examine areas of our life; NOT to determine how to react to it, but how to respond to it. An example.

I will use myself instead of picking on someone. :P I am numerically challenged, this is my way of saying that not only do I suck at math but I don’t like it. I enter math classes with stress, sometimes anxiety, and these feelings will temporarily get in the way of my learning. I start off reacting to how I am feeling. My process with many challenges in my life is to ride the feelings for a bit, then I get tired of feeling crappy; I slow down, I meditate, sometimes I blog, I talk to loved ones whom I trust, then I get my head on straight and respond.

I look at my feelings, which are trying to teach me something, and figure out where exactly they are coming from, and/or are directed. If they are directed at something that is easy...do I need to have that something in my life? Well in the case of math...yes (dammit). So what is it about math (or the thing)? Well that is never a simple question to answer is it? I am a social worker, and in my already extensive experience in this field I can honestly say that I do not need to use much math; but I do need it for that degree. Do I need the degree? Yes, I have made a conscious choice to pursue helping others and I cannot go any further in my life with out having that piece of paper. The paper is definitely an attachment, an unfortunate one for others. They need to see this material thing to have some kind of understanding and trust that I know what I know. I feel compassion for this perception by others because I feel confident in what I know (unless it is math). And there it is....a lack of confidence in my math ability. So what I do is study more, get tutoring and help and take the class over. I do not feel a failure, math is definitely not a strength for me. Yes there is a part of my over achieving other self that I have to keep in check, that person who’s voice I hear way down deep that struggles to get out and try to make me feel bad about a failure...then I remember that that is the voice of abuse, defeat, fear, victimization, addiction and attachment.

In Buddhism attachment is an interesting and important concept; but it is one that, even if you do not subscribe to Buddhism, you can take with you and use to improve your life.

http://buddhism.about.com/od/basicbuddhistteachings/a/attachment.htm A website that explains it fully. But in a nutshell here is the basic idea. We are humans, and it is human nature to want things. Things help us feel safe, feel secure, feel happy, feel needed, feel important, feel wealthy, feel cool...you get the idea. Things, however, also have an opposite effect; the more things we need to help us feel all the a for mentioned, the more unhappy we become. More is just more....it is just greater quantity, a greater amount, a greater measure, degree, or number.

Buddhism sometimes gets a lot of criticism from persons who don’t fully understand it. A couple of concepts that get a bad rap are the concepts of selflessness and detachment. Selflessness does not mean that we are selfish, it means the opposite, we are completely unselfish; and detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care about any body, or anything, it means that we detach from things that really are not important in life. So being attached means that we basically have formed a kind of addiction to something. On a grand scale it most certainly is applied to alcoholism, drug addictions, abuse etc. But it also applies to unhealthy life choices like the things we eat and drink (mine is caffeine), the words we use with each other including gossiping, rumors, etc., computer gaming, relationships that we know are not good for us (or the person we are in a relationship with); anything that makes us feel bad, and I mean bad like in the way that this thing, or person, is interfering with good choices, healthy relationships, and a healthy lifestyle. The next misconception about this idea is that the standards of being detached, or living healthy, are so great that they are unattainable...only Buddhist monks who live in a monetary, or in seclusion, can truly attain this enlightenment,and obtain this nirvana. BLEH (wiping puter screen)

In Buddhism every little bit matters, hence the idea of Karma. If you don’t try at all, or decide it is not worth trying, that is bad Karma, and trust me what goes around does come around. All my sons may complain about life, but they are not vindictive vengeful people...they believe in the idea of Karma even though they are not Buddhist. Bad things do happen to bad people...just wait, the universe has a way of setting things right and you don’t really need to push it along any faster. If not in this life, then the next; but it happens.

Even if you don’t believe in reincarnation, however, Karma is very profound. It says that for every action there is a reaction...hmmmm see where I am going with this yet? This statement is basically saying that you have a choice...act or react. It doesn’t mean react with out thinking...it means slow down, think, that reaction that you choose also had an action that you didn’t choose. AND if you choose the action, the response! GOOD KARMA!! You feel better, others around you feel better. The universe is better...Karma. So how does this apply to attachments?

Well lets think about this. You are attached to computer gaming to the point that everything in your life revolves around your gaming...your life suffers, your family suffers, your friendships suffer, your wisdom suffers. Suffering in Buddhism is fore front in understanding enlightenment, love, compassion, kindness towards others at all times. It is the Four Noble Truths. If you are not eradicating suffering where ever, and when ever you can...bad Karma. Karma is yours, you own it and it cannot be blamed on anyone else, we are not also responsible for others Karma.

You are in a bad relationship, it makes both of you unhappy. Are you truly doing everything in your power to make it better, and if you have then why are you still there? Staying in a bad relationship actually causes bad Karma. Isn’t it better for both of you to accept the suffering and detach? Move on to something with better Karma?

Why does the concept of failure have such a negative attachment to it? What if...just what if...the feeling s attached to failure were trying to tell us that this particular thing that we have been attached to, trying hard to make work and never quite getting that hang of it, is not for us and we should find what is good for us? Is that beinf selfish or selfless? What if our attachment to making this particular thing work for us, amidst constant struggle and suffering, is keeping someone else from entering it and making it their success? Does this mean that technically we are causing someone, who we may not even know, suffering? ...Karma. Get it?

The Pith of the Matter? What is really important in life? A few years ago my husband and I had a life changing discussion. He had lost his job of 15 years. I needed to go back to work to help out and I didn't want to do just anything. Our sons all were in a place where they still were needing guidance. Too many things were getting in the way...and I mean things. My husband and I found ourselves asking stupid questions like how do we keep all this STUFF...the house, the stuff in it, eating out, spending money on things we really didn’t need. (Cable, internet, monthly puter gaming subscriptions, Slurpee's, junk food every night, my 24th pair of shoes...) It was really a place that we both did not like...and then we realized something.

In order to be, and feel, successful we needed to like ourselves first. All the stuff we were attached to was causing us to suffer. We didn't really need any of it! And more so...we realized we didn't want it. What we really needed, and wanted, was our marriage, our family, our friends, and the basic survival necessity’s...everything else was icing. So we defined what we really needed to be happy. Yeah money is nice...it pays for food, a roof over our head, transportation, clothes, and other necessity’s needed for survival in today’s world; but how much of that did we need?

A long story short...we slowed down, we stopped worrying, we realized that for all our suffering we were still pretty fortunate. We gave, and gave and gave, even though we wanted. For every action there is a reaction. Our actions caused others to take action. Our friendships became more authentic, our family became more real, our lifestyle became more contented and low and behold we were able to attain what really made us happy. Yes...we still have things. I like my coffee and ice. Joe likes his bottle of Coke and nicotine, we like our puters, and music, and books, and eating out sometimes. But when we have to go with out any of it (or all of it) it is no longer a failure; it is an opportunity.

This Holiday Season we have adopted a family, a single mother with five kids. Everything that we would give to others is going to them, and everything that others would have given to us is going to them. I can honestly say that the joy I feel at this Holiday Season is unlike any other I have ever felt and isn’t that what it is really suppose to be? Love, compassion, kindness to other always is not just words...it is a lifestyle. It is cause and effect. It is Karma. It is detaching, and selflessness.

My lesson here? I think so much suffering would be relieved if we all just stopped and listened...listened to our selves, listened to others, listened to what is going on around us. For every reaction there is an action. Think about it....what do you really need? And what in life do you truly need to attach to? How do you want to deal with your life? Will you respond or react? Find those answers and you will find an infinite affinity to contentment.

Peace out.