"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become." -Siddharta
Honor- honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions; a source of credit or distinction; high respect, as for merit, or rank.
I have been giving thought lately to doing what makes us happy. This thought has gone in many directions; from doing what pleases others, to doing, what pleases only me to a bit of both. In the end of my journey I have come to a decision. I will explain.
Let me start with a personal experience. I am in school, again. (As many of you know.) This is my thrid attempt going back to obtain a degree. The first time I was 19 and was going to be a commercial artist. Getting married and starting a family distracted me from that. Later, in my 30's, when the boys were little I went back to school for child development. Which I still have a great passion for. Family took priority again. My husband was traveling for his job at the time, the kids were in school, and I was working. I bascially finished everything to do with my degree in family studies except for the acedemics. Then I became tired and overwhelmed; I decided that being a mom, wife and working in child development for quite a few years was enough for me.
This was the time where I became Curriculum Director and did trainings for the State of New Mexico. (It is true btw that if you know your stuff and show a gift for it you will be rewarded.) I loved this phase of my life while it was happening, I was good at it and appreciated for my talents through out the state of New Mexico. Then my husband obtained a transfer and we packed up and moved to Florida.
Florida is different from New Mexico (and Detroit where we came from before New Mexico). The educational system is different, the child care systems are different, the people are different. Not bad just different. With that said, and you may feel free at this point to read between the lines, I opted not to return to child development and instead applied to another field that I had worked in back in New Mexico, Social Work.
It was interesting to me that here, in Florida, anyone can work in Social Work. Social Work agencies (not mentioning names) were hiring persons with degrees in accounting; not sure how this beneftted familys unless they were having problems with their finances. I personally found this very frustrating; one bad apple gives us all a bad name.
To make a long story short, due to many mistakes (and I use that word very loosly) the organizations who were hring these people came under fire and had a variety of lawsuits against them; all bascially for discrimination and/or violation of human rights. tsk tsk People won their law suits and Florida was forced to lay off many people with in the Social Work field. Many of whom had training and education in their field but now needed to get a degree the specifically says Social Work. Fortunate for the familys whe were being serviced by the accountants, unfortunate for persons like me. But I turned this into a learning experience and Wala...me back in school to obtain a Masters in Social Work.
I sturggled with this at first. This was two years ago, I was 48, the kids were and still are grown, my husband and I were starting to get back into the grove of it being just he and I again. We had purchased the home we would retire in. We were talking about traveling and having free time for all those things you dream about while you are busy raising kids, working your ass off, and saving money. It was nice. Then the universe decided it had other plans for me. Dammit....So I made the choice to go back to school, this time for me.
Making that choice for the first time in my life really. The first time I went to learn a career that would not be my lifes passion. The second time my family was still to important to me to take away so much time from them. This time I had niether of those. I was older, the kids gorwn and my husband was (and still is) exceedingly supportive. So it was a no brainer. I registered and off I went. Skipping of to the first day of school never looking back. It was preschool all over agina only better!
Each semester it has gotten better and better. I have gained a different kind of self confidence that comes with wisdom and experience. People listened to me, what I had to say was importaint (and not just because I ws the oldest person in the room) and I enjoyed hearing what others had to say. Much of the academic stuff I already knew, but the life experience that came with being in settings where you could share ideas, ask questions, and not feel judged was great! Still is! The different perspectives has been invaluable.
Then... once again, when you get comfortable and things are going great ready yourself, that is when the universe will throw you a curve ball. Then...I started getting noticed by Professors and Instructors. One recommended me for honors college. This was back in only my first semester and I was a little intimidated by it so I decided not to. Another opportunity came up for Honors in ASL (American Sign Language) and I decided to take it. It was more along my field of study and I enjoy ASL. To make a long story short this ended up being more than I found myself able to handle. I was already taking four classes and two labs; I found that adding honors to it, in the end, was too much. It required me staying in school for an extra semester (at least) and keeping my GPA over at least 3.25. Well my GPA is well over this, but the idea of it suddenly being something I really needed to pay attention to quite literally stressed me out. I suddenly started becoming this driven, obsessive, complusive stepford student. I went from three days in school to five days in school and literally doing homework 98% of the time at home. I didnt like myself too much and I started to not feel so good about myself. Then some of my grades began to drop. Interesting, with all the work I was doing you would thing it would be the opposite, but it wasnt. The more I studied the worse my grades became. Those instructors in school who state,"If you are not doing well it is because you are not studying enough" are full of crap. (and I have since shared this with them...nicely of course.)
My husband pointed out many times that if I stopped stressing about it so much it wouldnt be such an issue. But this is much easier said then done. I am a bit of a perfectionist, but I channel it into my spirituality by doing my best and being loving and compassionate. Well this was not working with Honors. It wasnt like teeling the truth and walking away from it nicely. It was more like the truth always being right there, not at my feet, but staring me down. The truth was school was not so fun anymore, learning was not fun... So after a couple of agonizeing weeks I stopped myself and meditated on it. This is what I have come up with.
Going to school was all about me. Doing something that I have always wanted to do and loving it! It was a chance for me to learn and interact with others in a learning environment. Honors was not. Honors was about acheiving a great level of academic acheivement for others. I liked that others saw me as special because of Honors. But if I was wrong or made a mistake then suddenly people had permission to devalue me. It suddenly became about competeing and I don't like to compete. This led me to thinking about how others percieved me and why was I really doing Honors in the first place.
There will always be people who are eager to see you fail. Not that they set up a cheering squad and wait in ready for you to fumble; but they will use your failures to make them feel better about themselves. Bleh....That is not what I role model. I role model doing your best and learning from mistakes. Being loving, compassionate and wise. I was happy and content where I was with my schooling!?! Why was this not enough? Then I realized it was. So I backed out of honors.
Some all ready have said it was because I couldnt handle it. That is certainly one way to look at it. But I can tell you that I know with in me is a person who can work 40 hours, go to school part time, while taking care of two small boys, and a home by herself while her husband travels for his job and is gone anywhere from 3 days to a month. Ive done this. Been there done that. Ive proved that it is in me and I dont need to anymore.
The Pith of the Matter? What I need to prove now is something much greater. Self satisfaction with me as a person. Contentment with where I am in life. Contentment with who I am in life. Having more is just more stuff, more baggage, more suffereing...it doesnt mean you are more as a person. Being content is feeling more as a person. Less is more. Less to suffer over puts more focus on what is to really be appreciated. (remember the idea of suffering in Buddhism?)
This realization and path is what has gained me more respect from others, and more importantly in myself, then any other aspect of my life. It is what happens when you are 50 and are ok with what you have seen and done with your life so far and it is this realization that continues to help me learn from my mistakes and be a better person. When I stop learning from this then I have greater problems then not entering honors college.
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