Secret Behavior

          Remember when you were a kid, say around junior high age, because that is really the age for the behavior Im about to describe.   You'de be sitting in the lunch room, or at a social gathering of some kind, feeling perhaps unsure about yourself, because lets face it who didn't back then.  Whether you were a boy or girl time you always took the time to make sure that you looked just right so that you would fit in.  Fitting in was important back then.  Safety in numbers phase of life.  
          Then, just when you are probably feeling your most insecure, you wore the wrong jeans, your hair didn't turn out right, or horror of horrors you got a zit, someone, usually the kid percieved as most popular, leans over to another kid, usually the little boy or girl you have a crush on, and whispers something.  They both look at you and laugh then proceed to spread the secret.   What is that old line?  Secrets don't make friends?  
          Time passess, we all grow up, and for the most part now have learned and know better.   We may look at our boss who has the HUGE mole on his nose and think," holy cow dude get that thing burned off!" But we most certainly don't say it out loud, or even let him know, to the best of our ability, that, that is what we are thinking.  We learn with age to consider other peoples feelings.  Or do we?
          I previously wrote a blog on an encounter I had at a gathering where just that took place.  (not the mole thing the secret thing.) This gave me little thought, because, as I mention often, I am always shocked by bad manners, and injustices.   Then it hit me one day, Ive seen this behavior before!  Ive seen it among my friends, and even in myself from time to time.  Ill be sitting in class when a classmate will pass me a piece of paper with an OMG on it; after listening to someone in class go on and on about how a personal matter relates to what we are learning. (and not in an interesting, thank you for sharing that with us, kinda way.) Why do we do this?
          This is what I think.   When we are entering adolescence we are learning some crucial social skills, and critical thinking skills, that help us adapt and survive in the real world.  That world, which until up to that time, we have been mostly shielded by, by our caregivers.  (Yes some caregivers are better at it then others.)   The first time that a kid uses this, lets call it, "secret" behavior they realize that their is a certain amount of power behind it.  (and for the record they probably have been watching this behavior at home for a very long time.)  They have controlled someone elses behavior; and considering that human nature leans towards the negative, well a monster has been born.   Some of us grow out of it and are able to distinguish the difference between a secret that will hurt, and one that doesn't.   Although, technically, I don't believe that most secrets don't hurt in one way or another.  Usually secrets are made, and kept from someone, and as soon as that someone finds out, and they always do, they are hurt and/or angry.   So why do adults, who are supposedly suppose to know better, still do this?
          I know two people, one a man by the way, who at almost every social gathering sit by each other and whisper things in each others ears.   Really? (throwing my hands up in the air while saying really)  I mean why?  The female was, and still is, married to someone else, everyone knows these two people are close friends; so it is acutally no secret to any of us that they probably share personal things with each other that they don't with others.   Regardlessof all this understanding they still feel the need to use this behavior.  What they succeed in doing is making everyone, and I mean everyone, in the room uncomfortable.   Ah ha!   There it is, and here come the deffinitions.
          Uncomfortable means causing discomfort or distress; uneasy, conscious of stress or strain.   Secret is done, made, or conducted without the knowledge of others; hidden,, or concealed.   Well they totally blew the secret portion out of the water, it was not concealed from anyone; but it sure as shit caused stress and discomfort.   When I understood this it was suddenly easy to feel empathy towards them, and others who have engaged in this same behavior, and shame in myself.   The act of whispering to each other showed how uncomfortable they were in that social situation; so they uncounsciously set about makeing everyone else in the same room feel the same way.   These people are the same people who will, and have, engaged in gossip, another ploy to make themselves feel more in control in situations where they are not.
          Here's the pith of the matter.   I have no real answer's for how to deal with these kinds of people.  I am still dealing with a confusion, and lets face it hurt, over some of it myself.  I think that the trick is to not be intimidated by them.  Feeling hurt is ok, because it is an appropriate feeling in these types of situations.   Respond, don't react, reacting in anger always seems to make them think they have some how won, its like smelling fear, and their sense of smell seems to be very well tuned, like dogs.  (sorry couldn't help that)  Have confidence in yourself; and this last final thought.  
          Secrets are not the same as privacy.  Privacy is the state of being free from intusion or disturbance in one's private affairs; EVERYONE has this right.  When someone gossips that right has been stolen from someone; when someone uses "secret" behavior, the right to privacy has been disrespected.   I think I have also figured something else out about human nature.   Most people, when they don't understand something, or someone, will start abusing it.  (Take the dog sentance for instance.)  Different cultures abuse each other, different religions, etc. etc.   It is so easy to abuse something we don't understand then try to find out about it.   If you add in that someone wants privacy, and doesn't share aspects of their life, usually for a good reason, then that abusive "secret" behavior is easy, and perhaps almost necessary, for some, to use. 
          So what have I learned?   When I find myself engageing in "secret" behavior I always stop myself now and ask,"what is making me so uncomfortable about this?"  Then I usually find myself getting to know someone better, or immersing myself in an unfamiliar environment, until I feel comfortable.   The point being, Im not perfect, none of us are, perhaps it is human nature, a defense mechanism, to do some of these things for our own protection.   It does not make it right however!   For some it is a bad habit that we want to change; for others it is a life style.  The next time you find yourself in this situation don't storm out of the room screaming, "SECRETS DON"T MAKE FRIENDS!"  and then immedialtely call someone who will listen to your "secret" behavior.   Instead, stand up quietly, smile at them, turn your back decisivly on the bad behavior, and close the door quietly as you hold your head up high while leaving the room.   (Then go home and blog about it where they whole world can benefit from your experience.  :P  (hopefully)

"To be nobody but myself-in a world which is doing its best...to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."  -E.E. Cummings