The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves "inside the skin" of the other. We "go inside" their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering. Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering. We must become one with the subject of our observation. When we are in contact with another's suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us. Compassion means, literally, "to suffer with." - Thich Nhat Hanh
I know everyone who reads my blog has been waiting in eager anticipation for how hubby's and my first flying alone with out the kids vacation went. Well simply put FRICKING AWESOME!!! Not for obvious reasons however.
I have shared in previous blogs the concept of suffering in Buddhism. In most things Buddhist suffering is an ever evolving concept. Recently I learned a couple of things, that may seem obvious to you, but for what ever reason was not clear to me.
In order to effectively help others suffering I first must be able to address my own. This is done by being compassionate to my self first. As a mom, retired Social Worker/child development person, wife, etc. this concept gets lost to me more often then sometimes I care to admit. It is natural for me to put others first. Sometimes almost a necessary evil. How, you ask, does this relate to hubby and my vacation? Well I'm glad you asked! Here's how.
Day of departure started off wonderfully. Actually slept pretty good so getting up early to meet flight departure wasn't too bad. Got my coffee, which is SUPER important to my being able to function, on any level...just sayin. Son drove us to airport in Orlando, we beat all the traffic, and even had time to have a little breakfast, with more coffee, before getting on plane.
Going through security the family in front of us had 5 kids, with strollers, baby formula, lots of baggage requiring to be hand checked by security. The poor dad looked lost, confused, and frazzled, Disney World was evidently not what he had expected. Hubby commented to him, "your doing great, it gets easier." And winked at him. Receiving in return a thankful smile from the dad.
We leisurely strolled to gate, holding hands, talking, smiling, laughing. Sat down to wait for the flight, people watching, it was nice. Then it happened, we weren't actually too surprised, because if you read We're Not In Kansas Anymore blog, you know that we prepare ourselves. Flight delayed. Ok no problem, if this is the worst thing we have to deal with then no biggy. We're still together, and we're both super happy about a vacation with out kids; a break from our normal routines. Hubby checked flight info and seemed to think that even with delay we should be able to meet our connecting flight in Houston. Then suddenly, unexpectedly the suffering started...
Because I have never flown alone with hubby not in parent mode I had no idea that he really disliked waiting around in airports. Even when he has his laptop. As the lay over progressed he became more and more grouchy and detached. His communication became shorter and shorter. Every attempt I made at humor was returned with a slightly hostile look that said, "Really? You thought that was funny?"
Then the second announcement of another delay. sigh... I took a deep breath and prepared my self. Hubby and I walked to gate and was greeted by a grouchy woman who bit our heads off...something about dealing with other flights first, we apologized, smiled, walked back to our seats and waited. I took another deep breath, starting to feel at this point like I was surrounded by grouchy people. I revved myself up for an undesignated amount of time with grouchy airport ridden husband, who should not be confused, by the way, with vacation hubby, they are two different people I have since learned.
Needing a break from deep breathing I decided to take a stroll down to an over priced airport store, got some water, chocolate, because even though I am anti- sugar these days the situation called for chocolate, a cross word puzzle book, pencil, and then leisurely strolled back, eating my Snickers bar, to grouchy airport husband, breathing normally, people watching, and enjoying the break alone. I returned to hubby and tried to engage him in crossword puzzles, no go.
I finally, calmly, with a smile, mentioned that he could try to make the best of the situation and enjoy each others company. It is as this point that he explained that he didn't like waiting around in airports and he did so much of it when we were younger when he traveled for work. I said a silent thank you to the universe for omitting me from that portion of his life during that time of ours. Finally we got the go ahead to board the plane.
Before boarding we were ensured by a different, less stressed, pleasant desk person that we would make our connecting flight; they would make sure that there was a shuttle bus to meet us. The day started to look up again and hubby's mood got better. We only had to deal with two seats, instead of three, so hubby and I could comfortably, and even a little excitedly, snuggle on the plane. We joked about putting a blanket over us and seeing if we could get away with behavior that made us parents in the first place, but decided the plane was too crowded and it wouldn't be possible. So instead we both napped a little, I read, we got our drink and snack, talked, laughed, held each others hands most of the time, it was wonderful. THEN we get to Houston.
We knew things were turning to the dark side when a stewardess got on and made the announcement that there, "were a few people on the plane who had minute's to meet their connecting flights and could everyone else on the plane please allow these people to get off first; would the people who needed to get off immediately please raise their hands" and two thirds of the plane raised their hands. sigh....
I wondered how many of those people sat next to a talkative person they just couldn't take anymore? Or how many were seated next to the couple with two toddlers who took turns kicking seats and screaming and crying. Or how many just needed to stretch their legs? The point being that we had 20 minutes to meet our flight, 15 of which required getting off plane, another ten needed to get to get to other side of Houston's airport in which the shuttle could only take us as far as the super sonic train which after getting off we needed to run, which felt like, another 40 miles to get to gate. You do the math.
Hubby tried to run, I on the other had looked at the clock on my phone, did some math, which I can do now since college algebra, and thought nope, not going to happen. To my husbands extreme frustration I decided I was not going to wear myself out for a flight that we were most obviously going to miss. Surprise, flight missed. Persons at desk said we missed it by a minute or two, but the flight was no where in site, so probably more like 5-10 minutes as it was already on runway and taking off.
I could see that hubby was going to try and blame me. I ignored hobby's attitude, again, took a deep breath, and we began the track to customer service. Customer service...HA! (as you can see this is where my mood starts to change.) Hubby walks up to counter and shares our predicament. The customer service people all look either angry, impatient, frustrated, and/ or frazzled...bad day for everyone I guess. TO make a long story short all hotel rooms are booked because evidently there is a big storm system that is delaying everything...where is this storm system you ask well over Texas of course.
I am an ex New Mexican and like all good residents of any state we dislike our neighboring state. Michigander's don't like Ohio, Floridians don't like Georgia and New Mexican's don't like Texans. Add that I have never cared for Texas; Its a boring state to drive through, has no rest stops, too many armadillo's, strange politics, even stranger residents, its too big, has an iffy history, too hot and humid, and this is my short list, needless to say I was not happy to be stranded in Texas over night. As far as I am concerned the only good thing to come out of Texas is the movie Giant with Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson, neither of whom were any where in sight! (I just noticed how much I relate states to a movie...interesting...)
Then the girl behind the counter, whom I may add, resembled someone who I no longer relate with because, in a nut shell, she is bat crap crazy, tells us to check back in 30 minutes, all hotels are booked. She hands us some food vouchers and gives us a smile that suggests to me that she too is crazy and won't be able to help us at all.
At this point it is after 11pm...everything is closed, so no food either! pffftttt.....Like Kansas I hit my breaking point. However, I am older now so I don't throw a fit, what I do do is turn, walk away from people with crappy attitudes, which is everyone as far as I am now concerned, go out to the hall, and, instead of picking a comfy chair, or bench, to sit in, plop my 53 year old slightly over weight ass on the floor, back against the wall, close to the ground, open my phone, and begin to play gems. I have had enough....suffering has commenced.
I sense hubby quietly coming out, he quietly approaches me like a lion tamer with no whip and asks, "you ok?" I wanted to scream, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!!!! I just spent the last few hours with grouchy airport husband trying to make the best of a situation, then stuck in a plane with to many selfish people at one time, which, by the way, none of them are here so THEY must have made their flight THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! Wouldn't want anyone to suffer what we are! Ran across Houston airport, and by the way in case you have forgotten I HATE Houston and Texas and wanted a Atlanta lay over, to try and meet a flight that we had no chance of meeting finally to be told that there are no hotel rooms...OF COURSE IM NOT OK!!!" But I didn't. Instead I just looked at him with the same look Ide been getting from him for most of the day and said, "I'm just tired and hungry."
"We have food vouchers"
"EVERYTHING is closed Joe! I'm telling you now if we don't get a hotel room and I have to sleep in the airport over night I am not going to be nice to anyone, I've had enough. In fact I will go and check and see in 20 minutes if we have a hotel room these airport people can deal with me now!"
"Ok" he said with that tone of voice that suggests, but if you unleash hells fury on the poor customer service girl we most assuredly will not get a hotel room.
I gave him a look that made his looks of the last few hours run quickly in fear. He momentarily got scared, I could see it, he was thinking oh god what did I do. And then suddenly as quickly as he had come on airport husband was gone and replaced with hubby. I wanted to cry and almost did. Hubby looked at me and said, "It will be ok babe. Come on lets take a walk and see if something is still open." Buddha I love that man.
It was at this point that I went back to the customer service girl who reminded me of my ex crazy friend with tears in my eyes, looking tired, old, worn out, and fed up. She felt compassion. We got a room; turns out she wasn't at all crazy and quite adept at her job.
I would like to share at this point, honestly, that the rest of the vacation was full of sunflowers, green chili, perfect weather, and laughter, and that the suffering ended when we got off the plane in New Mexico...but I can't. There was an argument between hubby and I third day in, which come to find out from other vacationing friends of our age seems to be normal, where I almost flew back home. An argument between son, and both, hubby and I. And the trip ended with another cancelled flight and another night spent in New Mexico. But all of that was over shadowed by...
Seeing our daughter in law graduate from the University of New Mexico. Seeing missed loved friends. Spending mothers day with husband strolling happily through every single tourist trap I could find in Madrid. Wonderful dinners with our son and his wife. Spending time with our son and admiring the man he has become. Seeing how happy, and successful, not only our eldest and his wife were doing, but all of his friends whom we have watched grow up into outstanding adult's. And that cancelled flight home? We got a hotel room, with room service and first class flights on the way home. YES the vacation was AWESOME!
Looking back now and remembering the first trip hubby and I had alone brought to mind a quote.
"The ocean of suffering is immense, but if you turn around, you can see the land. The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy. When one tree in the garden is sick you have to care for it. But don't overlook all the healthy trees. Even while you have pain in your heart you can enjoy the many wonders of life...the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees. To suffer is not enough. Please don't be imprisoned by your suffering." -Thich Naht Hanh The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching
The Pith of the Matter. If I had been more compassionate to my self at some point I would have realized that I am not in control of anyone else's happiness but my own. And no one is in charge of mine. I was walking the right path by staying optimistic, focused, compassionate and mindful. Then at some point I decided that my happiness was contingent upon my hubby's being happy. Or my sons, or my daughter in laws. or a plane flight, the strangers surrounding me, the food court, a hotel room... The bottom line is that it is not.
It is not selfish to be happy when others may not be. We do not have to suffer with others in order to feel compassion.
When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept.
We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.- Thich Nhat Hanh
This does not mean we should avoid suffering. But in order to understand others we first have to understand ourselves, our own reasons for our own suffering. The Buddha taught the truth of, "dwelling happily in things as they are" drishta dharma sukha viharin
"If we touch the truth of suffering with our mindfulness, we will be able to recognize and identify our specific suffering, its specific causes, and the way to remove those causes and end our suffering." - Thich Nhat Hanh
My family for some time now has been encouraging and supporting me to put myself first. This is sometimes difficult when they want to be adults with out your "interference" (basically what they call being a mom) and in the same sentence are asking for money or a car to borrow. Or when they lecture you that if you want a phone call you should make yourself available at all times to receive that call. But hardly ever answer their own phone when you call them. It is easy to be swayed into believing, especially with your grown adult children, that as parents we have a constant obligation to them. To make sure that they are happy, to still try and protect them. The urge to protect and ensure happiness as a parent never ends I think. BUT I had an epiphany.
The thing that we give our adult children that they still need to learn, is allowing them to learn from suffering. To not avoid it. To not protect them from it. To show them that when we deal with our suffering, to what ever degree, whether it is a delayed flight, or a missed phone call, or an addiction to something as simple as sugar, or the airport alter ego of someone you love and thought you knew everything about, you learn, change, and grow stronger. You deal with the suffering.
I brought back one tangible, material souvenir from our trip, a coffee mug, hand made, acquired on the mothers day outing in Madrid with hubby. Every time I drink from it I think of that wonderful day spent with the man I have willingly bound my life to for the last 33 years and his alter ego the airport husband, both of which I now treasure. The best souvenir I have of that time however is not anything I can hold in my hands. It is something, instead, that I hold in my mind and heart. It is learning that while vacations are a break from our day to day maintenance of life my expectations for them to be void of suffering were unrealistic. Life will always have moments of suffering, the trick is to still get on that plane and keep moving forward to your destination looking for and sharing the joy. Because in the end it is the joy that should be remembered and how you discovered it. Just make sure you got your coffee first. ;) Namaste Peace out
Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice. [Shambhala Sun March 2006 ]
