Marriage Deadline

         



           I remember years ago a younger woman, in her twenties, asked me, I was in my forty's at the time, what it took to have a successful marriage.  I remember replying, "being truly in love helps because when you go through the phases where you don't like each other much love is really what will keep you together."  Love helps you remember why you married the person in the first place while you are looking at the mustache hairs on the bathroom sink that you have asked him four billion times before to please wipe up and his reply is either, "sorry I didn't notice them," or "I didn't have time I needed to get to work," or my personal favorite, " I forgot."  Really?...I needed to get to work too but I didn't leave a tampon around for you to clean up.  But I didn't say this because his reply would be something to the extent of, "its not the same tampons are gross..."   My reply would be uh hellloooo  I find mustache hairs gross.  Then a debate about why each one is gross would ensue which, at the end, he would understand that it is not for him to judge the level of some one else's grossness, its his job to clean up after himself because Im not his mother.   I divert...sorry.   This scenario is a good example of what I am about to write about how ever.
          The second thing I shared with the young woman was adaptability.  Rolling with the changes, and understanding that while there are certain constants in your significant others personality that will never change (which can be a good and bad thing) there will be a lot that will.  If you cant change with each other through the years there will be problems.
          Now after 30+ years I am going to add another one.  Respect.  I've had more than one conversation with other married people, newly married and long time married.  I've listened to them share things that they would never consider doing/saying to the other person.  Things that would send a clear cut message of disrespect.  In my experience, both as a married person and in my career, I think these things hold more than a little merit. 
          All of these things had one common denominator; respect.  What you say.  How you say it.  What you do, and how you do it, says a lot about not only what you think, and feel, about the other person but also what, and how, you feel about yourself, and your place in the relationship.
           Lets take an extreme example to begin with.  Domestic violence/abuse.  The abuser is showing absolutely no respect to his spouse.  And in fact no respect to himself.  Violence in any situation is the easy way out.  It is considered to be the last resort when nothing else has worked.  Violence is the reaction (not response) of some one who is feeing out of control.  So in an abusive relationship if someone is resorting to violence right away, or often what does that say?  Ill let you think on that for a bit.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CJPR_LbYiL4CFWcS7AodlQwAUA
          Now lets go to the opposite extreme and meditate on a couple who never has any disagreements at all.  This is not healthy either.  There is a difference between conflict and confrontation.  Confrontation is good, it opens up lines of communication and resolves issues.  I think it is a bit unrealistic to think that a good relationship should not have issues to resolve and confront.  Your spending a life with another person.  Building a life with another person.  You mean to tell me that you guys are so much alike that you never have disagreements about how anything is suppose to go?  With all due respect...how boring.  We learn from others through our differences.  If their are no differences between you and significant other then where does the growing begin?  Here is a link, although there are a few on this topic; you will notice the last sign that a relationship is in trouble is passivity.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/10-signs-your-relationship-trouble
          While domestic abusers are primarily men, women can be abusers too.  Women will beat on their significant others, but more often than not women will verbally abuse them.  Their stream of crap that spews out of a females voice all in the name of love is amazing to me.  And amazing as in wtf did you really just try to justify your verbal abuse by telling me that you do it cause you love him or that it is all about equality?  SHENANIGANS!!!  You want equality?  Then just act like a compassionate, loving, decent human being!  sheesh....
  http://www.forrelationshiphelp.com/3976/relationship-help-passive-aggressive-behavior-is-crazy-making
          Women also have a tendency to control by trying to be more knowledgeable,  and/or intelligent.  They will imply that their significant other doesn't have a clue about 99.9% of life in general and there fore it is the females job to control every aspect of their life together.  This of course is done with the other persons best interest at heart...bleh.   Its not really done for their protection its done for yours!  Your just afraid of being outside of your comfort zone.  Or worse yet what happens if your not ready/equipped to deal with what the other person brings to your life?   Well once again...learning experiences!  We learn from mistakes!
          For those women who think that they don't need to praise their significant others this is what I have to say about that.  You talk nicest to the person whom you intend to spend your life with.  Does this mean that you are not honest or don't speak your mind/feelings?  NO!  But there should very seldom be anything said, or done, that makes someone else regret being married to you!  AND there should never be a time where someone is afraid to be married to you!  There is a difference between voicing concerns, feelings, opinions about a choice that your significant other is going to make, or has made, that will effect both of you, and someone saying, straight out, that you are not allowed to do that.  Let me give you an example.
http://marriage.about.com/od/communicationtips/a/conversation.htm 
          My hubby is a big motorcycle rider.  Has been riding them off and on since he was 14 years old.  I would never think of telling him that he cant ride anymore because of my fear that some asshole will not be paying attention behind the wheel one day and hit my love.  What I can say is that I don't want you riding to work because one of the only routes is on I-4 and anyone who lives in Florida will immediately shake their heads in agreement with me.  I-4 is a nightmare for car drivers...almost un-ride able for bikers.  See the difference?  I would never insist that he give up something that he loves, but I can insist that he not go where his life is in danger, and our life together for that matter.
          I don't tell hubby how to do his job.  (Unless he asks.) How he does his job is his business.  Him not working and not bringing home a paycheck to contribute to our life together is our business.  If I'm not working I don't complain that he doesn't do enough around the house.  I try to do more in fact.  HOWEVER I am not his maid, or his mom, so appreciation is expected and he is still expected to pick up after himself. 
          I honestly can share that sometimes I do get a little tired of trying to stroke his ego.  And other women have shared the same things about their significant others.  (sorry guys)  On those days however I can look at my hubby and say,"I'm really tired today can you please just go do this for me?"  Or, "I'm really tired, I'm going up stairs and just want to be anti social."  he will do the same with me by the way.  Being married does not mean that you have to be together doing things together all the time.  
           I can also share the hubby, and I, have had our share of saying some pretty nasty things to each other.   But we apologize.  More importantly we have learned that it is important to show respect by backing up the apology with actions.  If I tell hubby I'm sorry for the way I acted, but not the things I said, then next time I learn to act differently when I say them.  Its very hard to listen past some ones emotions, a little emotion is appropriate, irrational kind is no,t and will cloud the message.
http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/compliment-spouse-14879.html
          If you ever are so angry that you can no longer say things respectfully, and politely, then you need to take a break.  If you feel like you are so frustrated that you want to physically hurt the other person then you take a break.  AND if you find that you have any of these feelings a lot then get marriage counseling.  Hubby and I have always gotten what we call maintenance checks through out our relationship.  In our experience there will be times where A) You cannot agree on something and you need a mediator.  or  B) You are having a hard time liking each other and need someone to brag too, basically so you can remember why you like the person.  Marriage counselors are great to brag to.  They have the knack of helping you remember why the person you are married to is awesome.  ;)
          When hubby and I had issues we also learned and put into effect an anger management plan.  Yeah I know...I felt the same way, but after using one for years it works; this is how and why.  Anger management plans are put into effect when neither one of you is angry.  You both have to agree to what you put on it and negotiate points.  For instance.  Hubby gets angrier faster than I do and when this happens he gets verbal diarrhea that he is sorry for later.  SO if he say I need to take a break I know its because he doesn't want to say something he will regret later and needs a time out.  In return he has to return to the issue at hand with in a 24 hour period and complete the conversation.  This agreement was done when we were both in a good place.  We agreed to all the points and the result is that most issues get resolved faster with little to no hurt feelings.  We feel successful in our marriage, our communication, and running of our joint life!  Works 85% of the time which is pretty fricken good.  ;)
http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/anger-management-worksheets.html
https://www.researchpress.com/sites/default/files/books/addContent/5232.pdf
http://www.imom.com/parenting/tweens/parenting/training/anger-five-steps-toward-an-anger-management-plan/
          The idea behind a marriage is not to have someone at your disposal 24/7 to make your life easier.  So that you can do less.  The other person is there to pick up the loose ends when you are unable to manage them.  To be your cheering section.  To listen to your hopes, dreams, and even sorrows, and sometimes anger.  The other person is a witness to your life.   When a witness takes the stand in your defense; what do you want them to say about you?  Does this mean not being who you are?  Of course not!  You want them to be honest don't you?  But do you want to be perceived as a person who just experiences tough times every once in awhile; that required your loved ones help, or just a difficult, self centered, selfish, unhappy person in general?
          I have observed, on more than one occasion, how people, in happy healthy relationships, support each other when there is an illness and/or crises in their relationship.  My own included.  It is interesting to me that the person experiencing the illness/challenge is more often than not more concerned about their loved one then the loved one is about them?  Well I take that back, its pretty even.  Even in long term care the person being cared for showed love, compassion, and respect for the person doing the caring.  I think this is one of the true identifiers of true love.  Knowing and being compassionate to the fact that the person who is altering their life to care for you still needs caring for also.  So even if you are unable to physically do something to alleviate the caregivers suffering, being able to verbally praise, and give love, and compassion, respect, and nurturing is very important.  It shows that you notice and appreciate.
http://www.caregiverstress.com/
http://www.zenfamilyhabits.net/2009/12/20-simple-ways-to-show-appreciation/
          I have said it before and I'm going to say it again.  When you get married you sign a contract.  Having a marriage makes your relationship conditional!  Marriage vows make your relationship conditional.  Unconditional means that someone will love you no matter what.  This is deceiving.  Too many people think this gives them permission to behave badly in a relationship and then they get confused, angry, depressed, etc. when their significant other has decided that they love them, but refuse to be treated badly by them!  All good contracts require compromise, and respect.  When one person is doing more compromising, more giving, getting less respect, praise, and doing more work, the majority of the time, I can pretty much guarantee that the relationship is in trouble.  Both people need to be happy for a marriage to work.  Do you have to be happy all the time or at the same time NO.  But in the end it should be fairly equal.   This is a deadline goal.
          What about persons who are in a committed relationship with out the marriage contract?  Well in my opinion marriage is not for everyone.  But most people do want some kind of sustaining, full filling relationship.  I also know a few of these people.  My eldest adopted son has been in one for well over a decade and, contrary to how he and his long time love feel some times, their relationship is functional.  They are both intelligent enough people to not stay in it if it wasn't.  ;)  The point here is if you make a decision to participate in a healthy loving functional relationship than make sure that you participate!  Make the commitment to do so!  Uh oh the "C" word! Here is the definition of commitment; http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/commitment  not seeing anything negative about it.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/healthy-relationships?gclid=CObQp9DjiL4CFY3m7AodBT0A_w
          I know I make many aspects of my life, marriage included sound perfect.  Well its not.  And that is what makes marriage so great.  Did I feel frazzled, and over whelmed, when we had to move for my hubbys job?  Sure!  Did I get emotional sometimes about it, worn out, feel defeated sometimes?  Absolutely.  Did I let my feelings take priority over the fact that a career move out of state would benefit not only hubbys career but our family?  NO!  Would he have done the same for me?  YES!  Was he patient while I didn't work and went back to school diminishing our income by a third.  YES!  Did he complain?  NEVER!  Did we have to cut back on luxury's as a couple?  Yep.  The give and take scenarios are more then I can write.
https://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/HappyMarriage.aspx
          What did we learn from all of this?  We can endure a lot more together then alone.  We can achieve much more with the loving help and support of someone else.  Having the praise, support, love, compassion, and respect of a loved one really is a positive motivating factor in life.  Looking back we learned from our mistakes, and every time did it differently, and better.  We were able to succeed in much more of life together than apart.  Most importantly we learned that giving of ourselves to someone we love is a gift.  It is the greatest gift we could give or receive.  My hubby truly knows all of my dirty little secrets, and vice versa...yes you can take that last sentence anyway you want.  ;)
          Another benefit to treating each other with respect is kids.   Our kids were watching and learning from us.  Now with out going into detail I will share that hubby and I made some pretty big fuck ups...not kidding...huge...BIG.  What did our kids learn form this?  Confidence! Security! Problem solving!  Everyone is imperfect!  People handle things differently!  Patience!  Really, the list is endless.
           They saw that over the course of 30 years we grew as people.  We still make mistakes because life, and the universe, are not done with us.  But as we progress through both we feel more confident as individuals, and as a couple, because quite honestly....been there done that.  We are also able to free ourselves up, and open ourselves up, to other possibility's.  Things that we haven't considered doing till now.  After 30 + years together we are still learning!  Having that person beside you, knowing who you really are, who still likes you and encourages you forward even when you feel old, tired, and worn out, is better than a paycheck...no matter how big it is.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson's_stages_of_psychosocial_development
          In human development it is suggested that it is better for younger humans to try and experiment with different aspects of life.  Younger humans are wired to do this more effectively.  As we mature we see much of this behavior as impulsive.  But actually taking risks when you are younger is good; it prepares you to be more confident in older phases of life.  BUT I also believe that as we mature the reason we gain more confidence is so we can do things that perhaps we were not ready to do when we were younger. 
          May be the reason we didn't travel more was because, as individuals, we were just not ready yet.   May be the reason we got that red convertible when we were in our forty's is, not only because of the money but, because now we can not only enjoy driving it, but we know how to care for it, and make the enjoyment last.  (We have also learned to avoid speeding tickets...although my sons would disagree with that one.)
          All of life is a progression that leads us to the inevitable end.  Shouldn't each progression teach us something?  And in order to get through it it helps to have someone, or a group of someone's, cheering you on, loving you, and knowing what you need all the way to the deadline.  The only way to establish relationships where someone truly understands what you need to progress forward in life is to establish, and nurture, loving, compassionate, respectful relationships.  Marriage is one of these.  
          NOW I know many people who have lived VERY successful lives with out being married.  AND these people have the knack for being able to establish friendship's etc. with seemingly effortlessness.  They also have a very high internal motivator; which means that they are driven by living a meaningful, quality life, that makes them feel inspired with out any, or very little, help from others.  These people are amazing to me and I am always in awe of them.  :D  I know a couple of woman who I highly respect who have chosen this life path...sometimes I am jealous of them.  But the majority of us are wired to be in a relationship.  

          Pith of the Matter:

          Was doing some research yesterday on women in Buddhism.  While I was reading I found a quote, "You must always approach things with the attitude that you can be successful." -Sayadaw U Pandita.  This is true!  We all know some one who looks at life in general with pessimism.  They throw around a lot of blame.  Its some one else's fault they can't be happy.  Its their health, the way they were raised, the universe, they are not wired to be happy...blah blah blah.  Sigh.....I find these people exhausting; Its almost like they need constant encouragement to get through life and be successful at it.  The bottom line, how ever, is that they: one- don't trust themselves enough to know that they can provide their own happiness, be happy.   Two- they have no respect for themselves and the life they have chosen to contribute to.  In my experience these people need to be detached from.  It is tough love.  There is nothing you can do for them; they need to find out for them selves.  And I always believe they will. 
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/128683/detachment/
          So imagine if you are married to one of these persons?  OR imagine if you are that person, and the one you love is being challenged by you?  If the only way to remedy some behaviors is tough love where does that eventually put the relationship?  I think in all relationships that last decades there is a time where one person says to the other one something here needs to change.  I'm not happy to the point where this could end our relationship.  When that choice is presented to you what will you do?  In the end we have to live with ourselves first.  In my opinion saying, and doing, the right thing motivates me positively.  Does this mean that I don't say anything at all?  No.  It means that I am mindful about how I speak to others.  I am especially mindful about how I speak to persons whom I have a contract with.
http://www.dharmanet.org/wisdomweek2.htm
http://buddhism.about.com/od/theeightfoldpath/a/rightspeech.htm
          We all understand the concept of deadlines.  They are goals for completing something, usually work associated.  But they can also apply to completion of school, saving up money, and marriage.  May be it is harder for people to understand successful completion as it applies to a relationship because the deadline is open ended?  But I guarantee your, or the other persons life is going to end; that end is a deadline.  What are your goals for successful completion then?   Be mindful, compassionate, loving, kind, and respectful to yourself and to everyone you meet.  Then having a lasting relationship will come easy.    Understand that all relationships have a deadline; a time by which something must be finished, a line or limit that must not be passed.  You can look at this with optimism, or pessimism, it is your attitude that will define the marriage deadline.

You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday.  You develop it be surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. -Epicurus

A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them-they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. -Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Namaste

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hth9brSEye0

Namaste
Peace out

Dreaming Dreams: Why to let kids dare to dream.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. -Edgar Allan Poe


          I believe in dreams; dreams in all its forms.  I think dreams are there to teach us something; we just need to be open to them, and know how to interpret what they are saying.  Now I don't mean all that mumbo jumbo the spider walking across my face means that I feel detached from my feminine power and not in touch with the real me interpretation stuff.  Bleh...wiping off monitor.  Maybe interpreting a dream means;  A) A spider was walking across your face; B) You saw a spider earlier in the day and your brain is processing what you saw in your dreams. C)  A piece of hair fell across your face while you were sleeping making you subconsciously think it was some kind of an insect crawling across your face; i.e.: that spider you saw earlier in the day.  I think, that as humans, we have a tendency to over think.  Thinking is the pro and con of being the most intelligent creature in the animal world; so I think we subconsciously feel a need to show off to the other animals a lot.  I like to imagine those happy spiders spinning their webs around my garden laughing at us,"look at that silly animal who is incapable of just enjoying this beautiful garden.  Instead she sits and frets over how she looks to others, or is she really being respected as a female."  More likely though, they don't even think that; they just go about their happy thoughtless days just doing what needs to be done.  Who says we're Intelligent?  Being intelligent implies that we are quick to understand something.  Doesn't spending too much time contemplating, thinking, worrying, mulling over something, like a dream, negate intelligence?  Or does paying attention to our dreams make us more intelligent?
First some definition's:  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dreams?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/vision?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/daydreams?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reverie?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/intelligence
          When I was little I, like many of us as children, had nightmares.  My father explained to me that dreams were just our brains way of sorting through things we had seen during the day, of things that had happened to us.  The brain, in our sleep doesn't really organize these thoughts, it just throws them together randomly, basically throwing them into a big pot where our brain stirs it all up.  The trick is to figure out what we saw and relate it to the reality of our life.   I believe this. I am a realistic person for the most part, unless we are talking about dragons, fairy's or zombies then forget it.  I believe in understanding how our mind and body work.  Understanding this helps me to understand why stuff happens the way it does.  With that in mind knowing what a wondrous thing our brain is, is beneficial to understanding who we are as individuals.  http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/sleep/dreams/reality-dreams.htm
Found this article, which is interesting and a little humorous.  http://www.geekosystem.com/understanding-sleep/  
We all know we sleep to recharge ourselves physically and more importantly mentally and emotionally.  This article states:
 Turns out, when we sleep, our brain takes that time to clean out the build-up of brain junk we accumulate during our waking hours. Sleep is pretty much necessary for our body’s mental street-cleaners to come out and do their work.
Hence dreams.   When we are experiencing challenging times in our lives our brains will either dream a lot to sort out everything OR, not dream at all.  I remember being told years ago by a psychologist that I needed to be getting more sleep.  I thought well duh, I'm tired, I know that's part of my issue right now for not being able to deal with all the challenges that I was going through.  But this is what was explained and I can share from experience that it is true.  In crisis's our fight, or flight button gets pushed.  If we are dealing with ALOT, and I mean a lot, we enter survival mode which very often causes us to loose sleep.  We consciously, or unconsciously, feel we need to be awake, at attention all the time in order to be prepared for what might come next.  Hence loss of sleep.  The less sleep we get the less we are able to deal with what we are going through.  So we don't dream.  Our brain starts having a hard time processing what is coming in.  Now in  a perfect world we hope to be surrounded by loved ones who will help us pick up the slack, and love, and support us so that we can sleep and dream.  Unfortunately many many people do not have this much needed support system.  So we loose sleep and our ability to cope diminishes.
http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/what-are-dreams.htm
          You would think that when our head hits our pillow during times of crises that we would pass out from exhaustion, but the opposite is usually true.  If it weren't there would be no need for sleep aids.  (Although I do believe that sleep aids are one of the most unrecognized abused over the counter drugs we have, but that's another story.)  If we're not sleeping we are not dreaming.  AND during times of crises, trauma, etc. the brain needs to dream. 
          There was only one time that I took sleep aids in my life.  And it was sort of enforced upon me.  I was told that I had to sleep.  I don't like to take meds really.  I want to know that if I need to take some kind of medication to, say, fight of zombie bites, that it will work; unlike so many other people out there who take so many drugs that when the zombie apocalypse hits they will be a zombie because their immune system no longer responds to medications..at all...ever.   Sorry zombies get me all worked up.  Any who, thanks to sleep aids I was able to sleep and there for dream.  Once my brain was able to start dreaming, and getting the stuff sorted out, I healed, and was able to cope. 
          Something else I learned to do during this time was keep a journal next to my bed and, as soon as I woke up, write down anything that I dreamed of, that I found important, worth remembering, or just needed to get off my mind.  The brain is for thinking, a pencils and paper is for remembering.  If you want to free your brain up to think, to get something off your mind, then write it down; simple as that.  By writing down my dreams I could either, make the decision to come back to it later and figure out what it meant or, just know that I took it off my brain and leave it be, which is what I did most of the time.
          I do believe dreams are there to teach us something.  Whether by paying attention to them OR just letting them run their course and then letting them go.  I feel that dreams are a form of meditation.  When we sleep we dream, we very often wake up knowing we dreamt, but usually not remembering everything that we dreamed about.  In meditation you remember.  AND if you meditate the chances of having bad dreams diminishes leaving your brain to dream about more important, pleasant  things, like Johnny Depp, or Thor, or Loki, or...well you get it.
          By choosing to not pay attention to a dream we free ourselves of attachments and suffering.  For instance, I may dream of my sons being in danger and me trying to protect them but failing.  Well they are adults, they can care for and protect themselves.  The healthy choice here is to detach from that fear and not dwell upon it.  OR seriously, who cares about that psychedelic dinosaur rampaging through the kitchen and eating all the ice cream?  Ice cream still there in the morning?  Then who cares.  Ice cream not there?  Then the purple dino was probably one of the kids.
          Daydreaming is how we imagine and create.  It is a form of distraction, and detachment from difficult situation, or a boring lecturer. Daydreaming helps us to adapt.  It defines us as individuals.  I think that when we look at a child who is day dreaming as not paying attention we are giving a child a negative label, perhaps causing the child to stop dreaming.  Isn't it our dreams that help us set goals?  Aren't dreams part of what encourages, and support, us in the present, and future?  I submit to you; if you see a child who is day dreaming ask them what they were imagining, what did they see.  Don't ask them what they were thinking....you'll get an I don't know.  By asking a child what they were dreaming about you give respect and, validation, to  their dreams.  You can use this as a teachable moment, and I bet that kid pays attention to you in the future.  Show them how their dreams can relate to all aspects of life not just the one they are dreaming about.  AND don't discredit their dreams.  Remember how it felt when you were a kid and some one didn't listen to your dreams?  Do you really want to pay that feeling forward?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201301/why-and-how-you-daydream
           Visions aren't given enough credit either I think.  Visions are actually our brains seeing what are eyes are not.  If we are smart, observant, open minded beings then isn't it logical to assume that your brain is capable of visualizing a possible outcome?  I have from time to time had visions of some one I love getting in a car accident.  I actually can see it playing out, almost like a short film.  My hubby use to think I was nuts, and poo poo'd this, until it came true a couple of times.  Now I could sit here and say that I am psychic, or blessed by God , or Buddha, etc.., etc., blah, blah.  But in reality I understand that one of my strengths/gifts is being observant.  It is what has made me a good social worker.  I feel confident when I enter an environment and sense something is not right.   I know that my eyes will register things before my brain does and I trust this.  So I just take my time, listening, and watching, until my brain goes ah ha!  Sometimes this comes in the form of a vision.  Once again not magical, mystical, spiritual explanations.  Just my brain saying, "HELLO!!  Look what the end result to what your not seeing could be. Warn someone will you!"
          So the car accident thing?  That's my brain acknowledging the fact that I am in denial about someone I love driving a little recklessly.  So I will bring it to their attention.  Our brains are not always these logical thinking muscles.  They have a creative side.  So when logic doesn't come into play they will create possible out comes.  This is called critical thinking, problem solving.  Which is why it is so important to nurture creativity in your kids and allow them to dream!  If your kid is sharing something with you that suggests that they are having visions I suggest asking them why they are seeing what they are seeing.  Intuition needs to be nurtured.  Kids need to be taught to trust what they envision even when they are not sure they trust what their eyes are seeing.   Visions are the ability to problem solve a situation out, this is a gift, and a strength.
          Another aspect of visions is the idea of Laws of Attraction; what you put out into the universe you get back.  If someone is having positive visions that is a good thing!  If someone is having negative visions it is worth asking why?
 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-blame-game/201205/throw-away-your-vision-board-0
          I also believe that, for the reasons previously mentioned, that dreaming shows intellect.  It shows our brains capacity for thinking outside the box, for taking random images, and events, and putting them together creatively.  Honestly not everyone can do this so if your kid can don't dismiss it or squash it; nurture that thing! 
          When we teach kids to believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, God, Buddha, Allah, Moses, dragons, fairy's, zombies, etc. we are asking them to dream of the impossible.  This is, in my opinion, preparing them for the future.  For not only the possibility's that life has to offer, but the impossibility's.  I happened upon a TV. show the other day, so sorry I cant share the channel or name of the show.  But what stuck in my brain, and the point I want to make is this.   One of the persons being interviewed shared that if we ever actually experienced a zombie apocalypse that most of us would not be able to conceive the possibility and there for die while they just stood there, and watched a zombie come get them.  Like those videos of the people standing there watching the tidal wave come in and getting swept up into the wave.  The immensity of it seems impossible. 
          If kids are taught to dream, to imagine possibility's, no matter how improbable, they are prepared for much of what life will dish out to them.  Something else that is also interesting about understanding the possibility's in what we dream.   Its when we realize that many dreams have an element of truth and accessibility to them.  Santa, while technically fictional, is based upon a Christian saint.  Dragons, historically, were great warriors to be feared.  Witches were herbalists and midwives.  Wizards, and magicians, dappled in alchemy and geology.   Bards were story tellers, and musicians.  There were really knights in shining armor saving damsels in distress because land and wealth were usually attached to the female.  You get the idea.
          I think there some validity in the symbolism of dreams; BUT I think that if we interpret all of our dreams using symbolism we are asking for trouble.  If one of our brains job to sort through the crap of our lives and take it off of our mind, or make aspects of life clearer to us, than how are we helping, or supporting the healthy productivity of our brain's job by over analyzing our dreams with symbolism?  That spider scenario?  According to  http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s2.htm  the spider represents being an outsider, or keeping your distance from something, or a symbolic feminine power, or an over bearing mother figure in my life, or protection against a powerful force, and/or self destructive behavior.  If I kill it in my dream I am bringing bad luck to my self or, I am over coming some strong feminine temptation...like ice cream may be, or chocolate.  ;P  sigh....Any, and all, of these could be interpreted and applied, how ever you want, in a multitude of situations.  It all requires too much brain activity so in this case I would just write it down and not look at it again.
          Recently, how ever, I had a dream where I was on a futon, which felt like it was floating in the middle of an ocean, but the ocean was really a living room of some kind, not mine cause it didn't look familiar.  There were sharks swimming around trying to eat me, or parts of me, and I kept on putting my self in the middle of the futon.  Suddenly there was a dark haired man there keeping the sharks at bay and I felt safe; then I woke up. 
          Well doesn't take much to interpret this dream.   I am in transition right now, not going to school, and not working.  I am trying to decide if I want to retire from my career and just get a part time job.  I am not mom anymore.  I have had some health issues and am not functioning at 100%.  There have been many days where I feel exhausted, due to my health, and frustrated because I want to do more with my life but seem to be unable too.  The universe has me in a holding pattern for a reason; a reason that has not revealed itself to me yet.  
          That dark haired guy, I realized when my dream woke me up, is my hubby who has been super supportive and patient.  He has been protecting me, and taking care of me right now.  This realization/ interpretation brought me joy, peace, love and compassion.  This dream I thought about.  ;)  I don't care too much what the all the sharks circling my futon are, I know I'm being challenged right now.  I don't care what is in the living room, I know that room signifies my comfort zone.  I get the message.  I also get that the futon represents bed and sleep.  AND because I meditate I know it is just going to require some patience on my part to get through what I'm going through right now.   Fretting, worrying, etc. about it is not going to change it; it will only add more suffering, and honestly I'm not into suffering/drama.   Use the ideas of symbolism intelligently.
 http://phys.org/news177232375.html
          Here's the Pith of the Matter.   I do feel that we need to dream.  Intellectually and imaginatively.   Intellectually dreams help us sort out the reality of life.  Imagination helps us dream what could be possible only by dreaming.   Dreaming teaches us that we are all not the same.  Our dreams make us unique.  They drive us forward, give us hope and make us feel.  Even the night mare I had about zombies attacking my family and all of us jumping across the roof tops from one ruined building to another made me feel something.  Basically that I need to not watch zombie movies anymore...   The bottom line is that dreams are worth our attention.  So teach your kids to go out there and dream.   While they are doing this teach them how to interpret their dreams intelligently, and with imagination.   Dreaming dreams no mortal man ever dreamed before. ;D
Namaste   Peace out
Sleep is the best meditation -Dalai Lama


 

Bring The Noise

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU4o1CrdOQY

"Bring The Noise"

[Verse 1]

[Bass:]

Now low can you do? Death row what a brother knows
Once again back is the incredible the rhyme animal
The incredible D Public Enemy, number one
" Five - o " said, " Freeze I " and I got numb
Can I tell 'Em that I really never had a gun
But it's the Wax that the terminator spun
Now they got me in a cell 'cause my records they sell
Cause a brother like me said " Well...
...Farrakhan's a prophet and I think you ought to listen to
What he can say to you what you though to do
Follow for now power of the peace say
"Make a miracle, D, Pump of the lyrical
Black is back, all in, here gonna win
Chek it out, yeah y'all c'mon, here we go again

Turn it up! Bring the noises!

[Verse 2]

Never badder than bad 'cause the brother is madder than mad
At the fact that's corrupt as a senator
Soul on a roll, but you treat it like soap on a rope
Cause the beast in the lines are no dope
Listen for lessons I'm saying inside music
That the crusicsare blasting me for
They'll never care for the brothers and sisters now across
The country has us up for the war
We got to demontrate, come on now, they're gonna have to
Wait, 'till we get it right
Radio station I question their blackness
They call themselves black, but we'll see if they'll play this

[Chorus]

Turn it up! Bring the noises!

[Verse 3]

Get from in front of me, the crowd runs to me
My Dee Jay is warm, he's, I call him norm you know
He can cut a record from side to side
So what, the ride, the glide should be much safer than a suicide
Soul control, beat is the father of your rock'n'roll
Music for whatcha, for whichin', you call a band man
Makin' a music, abuse it, but you can't do it, you know
You call 'em demons, but we ride limos too
Whatcha gonna do? Rap is not afraid of you
Beat is for sonny bond, beat is for Yoko Ono
Run - DMC First said a Dee Jay could be a band
Stand on it's own feet, get you out your seat
Beat is for Eric B. and L.L. as well, hell
Wax is for Anthrax, still it can rock bells ever forever
Universal it will sell
Time for me to exit, terminator x - it

[Chorus]

Turn it up! Bring the noises!

[Verse 4]

From coast to coast, so you stop being like a comatose
Stand my man? The beat's the same with a boost toast
Rock with some pizzazz, it will last, why you ask?
Roll with the rock stars, you'll never get a accepted as
Don't need to wait, get the records straight
Hey Roses in effected, got flavor, Terminator
X to sign checks, play to get paid
We got to check it out down on the avenue
A magazine or two is dissing me and dissing you
Yeah, I'm telling you...

          
           I've seen many bands.  I have a magnet on my fridge that says I may be old but I got to see all the good bands.  And its true for Buddha's sake!  Hubby use to work the Detroit concert circuit large, and small, so we saw great concerts at the arenas for free along with some great lesser bands in small venues.  We saw Metallica when they were just a warm up band for Queens Ryche. To tell you the truth there were so many that sometimes I forget how many I have seen until there is a conversation about a certain group then Im like," Oh yeah!!  I saw them." 
          Telling people all the bands whom I've seen really shows my age.  My first concert was Queen and the tickets were $10.00; that was considered a lot of money back then.  (Im not going to tell what year that was.)  We saw Yes three times, Santana 6, Metallica 3, Triumph, Cheap Trick, Kiss, Kansas, Styx, Queens Ryche, Alice Cooper, Ted Nugent, the Cars, Electric Light Orchestra, Aerosmith 4, and more.  To be honest not only does age effect my memory, but the fact that I was high during most of these concerts effects it also...hey it was the 70s...don't judge me.
            I have always prided myself on my knowledge of music and the fact that , unlike many people in my age group, my music tastes did not become frozen in time as I got older.  The other day however, and I'm not going to give the details where or when, I found myself confronted with music that not only did I not know anything about, BUT also made me, for the first time ever in my life long love of music, feel old...sigh.  I sat in silence thinking to my self, "What the fuck is this?"  So I sat still and listened, eventually finding out that it was Steam Punk.  Seriously?  I thought Steam Punk was mostly clothing? sigh... I like to be able to kind of, sort of, be able to engage myself in a conversation about almost anything; not being able to talk about what I was hearing was...hmmm how do I put this...uncomfortable and humbling.
           So as soon as got in front of my computer I did some research in the areas of music that I find myself totally bewildered by.  If you are a parent I can share with you that knowing what your kids listen to, and showing interest in their music, even though you might not like all of it, is an excellent way to talk with your kids when you may have nothing else to talk about.  It keeps the lines of communication open.  Knowing this stuff is important.  However, be fore warned, even my sons have reached the age where they will make a comment that basically implies that they think much of todays music "sucks".  Which is no help to me.  I find myself in another first, my sons cannot educate me on some forms of music, either because they are older and unavailable to do so or because they feel the music is not worth explaining.  Snobs...  ;)   
          I remember the first time my eldest played Nine Inch Nails for me, oh hell no I thought.  But then I meditated...which would I rather have him do rebel with music?  Or drugs?  Listening to certain kinds of music does not lead to promiscuity, drug usage, and or violence; contrary to some opinions out there, and for every fact based scholarly publication where a poll was taken suggesting that is does there is another one saying that it does not.  Not having some one discuss the language of music with an adolescent so that they don't form the wrong perceptions about with they listen to may.
          It is your job as a parent to be involved in your kids music, and not do what my dad did, which is stand at the top of the stairs (my bedroom was in the basement with my two brothers bedroom) and yell, "turn that shit down."  My brothers and I turned up music once and stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to open the door and yell. When he showed up he smiled at us and walked away.  My dad never knew what I was interested in.  He did buy me my first Beatles album, Sargent Peppers which began my life long love of the Beatles.  He also got me Simon and Garfunkel; which I didn't fully appreciate until I was older.  Those two music groups were the only music that I listened to that he was aware of.  He was aware of these because he picked them out.  When I listen to them I remember him with love.  But how much greater the music experience with him might have been if he had knew all of what I was interested in and why.   I think I can safely speak for my brothers, and myself, when I share that we listened to loud music that he didn't like regardless of the fact that he didn't like it and would have preferred us listening to something else.  We enjoyed knowing that it irritated him.
          Another thought, and I suspect I may not make many friends with this one.  There are scholarly publications, and sites, all kinds of data out there in fact, that give you information on music,  media in general, and its effects on our youth.  The data varies depending on which side you really want to take.  There are in fact many Christian polls out there who have gathered data that suggests that youth who listen to music that does not promote sex, drugs, violence, etc. have a lower incidence of engaging in this behavior.   However, you will not find any evidence in this same data that also states that youth who have spiritual, involved parents, who listen to the music with them, also have lower incidence of engaging in risky behavior, if you want to see this data you must read  publications that are not associated with religion. 
          There is no data out there that I could find that suggests that music plays absolutely no influence.  Once again another example of how we, as humans, find it easier to engage in one extreme to the other instead of finding the middle ground....why make life simple?  What I always believe, support and encourage is that in-between the extreme points of view is the neutral zone where we are suppose to be.  If life is perceived as full of learning experiences why would anyone keep someone from having an experience they could learn from?  Listening to all forms of music and being aware of music in all its different languages does not mean you have to like all forms of music.   It just means that you have done your homework.  It also role models tolerance.  Music truly does cross all barriers.
          I remember when we use to have conversations with our sons about their music I use to ask them what they heard; what were they getting out of the music.  I was surprised to find that rarely did they listen to the lyrics.  The majority of the time it is the beat itself that appeals to our youth.  Which is why you can have bubblegum rock that has a great beat but nonsensical lyrics.  If you ask your kid about their music you may be surprised to hear the same thing.
          I then encouraged our sons to listen to start listening to the lyrics, really listen.  I explained that some of the bands they were listening to were very political, they were poets, some almost philosophical.   Encouraging them to listen to the lyrics of the music they were interested in made them accountable.  When they were interested in a band like Nine Inch Nails, because they were different for their time, which tweaks rebelliousness in adolescence, I was able to ask them about the lyrics.  In fact they knew after awhile that I would ask them eventually so they made sure to be prepared.  I asked them to explain to me what they thought the artist was trying to say.  Most of the time they gave a great explanation I; hubby and I didn't need to give further information.   If they didn't then hubby and I were in a position to explain it and then ask for their opinion. 
           Now be prepared.  Your adolescent is most certainly going to be a little rebellious during these conversations, your making them think, some thing that they find very difficult right now with their hormones in overdrive, and brain chemicals seeping out of their ears.  But if you come from a place of respect, patience, and wanting to genuinely hear what your kids opinion is then it will be ok; promise.  When we questioned our sons there was never a time that we felt that music was influencing their decisions negatively, in fact I believe it made them more aware of the world they were seeing more and more of on their own, and helped prepare them for some aspects of it.   Because of the conversation about their music they got to listen to a lot of music that lots of kids their age didn't.  We also learned a lot about them as people which only encouraged our trust in them.
           Back to me...I personally have a great appreciation for music.  It is a form of artistic expression, and freedom of speech, that I think as Americans we have not always fully appreciated.  You may not like Rage against the Machine, or Korn, or Five Finger Death Punch, but they have accomplished a form of speech that for a very long time was unacceptable.  I will explain. 
          Swear words only have power if you give them power.  People use them because it makes them feel, and in their perception, appear powerful.  There is some evidence out there that suggests if you swear a lot you are actually intelligent, not the other way around.  I don't know about this.  I think some people swear out of laziness.  However I do know some very highly intelligent people who choose to swear.  Doesn't make them less intelligent; in fact anyone who insinuates that these intelligent people are stupid for swearing has kind of proven them selves to be what they accused. 
          Words can have power.  Say fuck you in a song enough times and the power is taken away.  I present to you; anyone who misses the days where people didn't swear so much is basically saying that they miss the days where swear words held more power then they actually did, and do.  This is actually a disrespectful mindset; when you truly respect yourself it doesn't matter what words others use.  You look past them to the bigger picture, the core meaning, and the context in which they were used.   I have never found any music insulting.  OK some of the gangster rock was a little offensive in its day;  they were rapping about a lifestyle that was not only risky, but dangerous.  It put up boundaries instead of taking them down.  But even Gangster rap documented a portion of our culture historically.  We learned what kind of lives some of people were living, and brought a whole nations attention to it.  Music in all of its form is truly an awesome, awe inspiring form of artistic communication to behold.   It has sent messages in a far larger scale than many other medias; which is why you will find that many musicians will be on the FBI list of persons to keep an eye on.  Can't have too much anarchy with that freedom of speech.
          Found this :  http://www.musicgenreslist.com/   Wow...seriously.   It is a list of all music genre's. We all know the standards, rock in all its forms, classical, country, country western, the blues, etc. etc., but I was surprised by how much music I was unaware of.  I've heard of Steam Punk...but what is Steam Punk music?  I looked it up on U tube and found a few things but here is a pretty good example.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FsFJznC9s0 
          Then there is dub step which I know about because of Korn and my sons. The first time I heard it was at a Korn concert that was a family event.  LOUD bass music that hurt my teeth...seriously, up there with Kiss.   This, of course, led me to look into more of it.  Ladies and gentlemen epic dub step.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLyH94jNau0
What is cool about dub step is that is sounds AWESOME on my car stereo.  :D  Bass on dub step is usually loud and it is what makes the point in every sound it enhances.  Dub step is considered electronic music along with Industrial.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjIZxzmNiAI
          Then there is something called trance music; trance like for the rhythmic beat that stays pretty constant through out the music.  I kind of like trance music, good beat, I can dance to it, I give it a 8 Dick.  (Shame on you if you don't get that.)
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg0Je4pLaCM
          Here is a video documentary that examines what is now called rage rock but what actually started off as punk rock.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL1I7DAEqb4  
What I find interesting in this video is the opening line where the musician states that he didn't know what punk rock was, he just knew he was an angry young kid and punk rock spoke to him.  Isn't that what music is suppose to do?  This comment explains how, from generation to generation, adolescent behavior is the same.  Iggy Pop is now a legend,  lets face it back in the day even if we listened to him, which I did, we had mixed feeling about his lifestyle and music; but we kept on listening because it spoke to us at that particular phase of our life!
          Pop rock is not all Justin Beiber now it looks like this too!  Some kids don't want the happy, bouncy, gum chewing beat.  Some want the kids equivalent of rage rock.  This is genius and makes me think that we all need to be thinking out loud more.
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIKqgE4BwAY  
          I wrote an award winning paper a couple of years ago on the mosh pit it is in my blog list and named Psychosocial.  In a nut shell I was taught by my son, and some of his friends, the value of rage rock, and moshing.  Something at the time that I found a little horrifying.  Read it...you'll see how my mind was changed.
          Here's the Pith of the Matter people.  Music not only speaks to individuals, but to social groups.  It defines cultures, speaks for, and of, ideas both real and imagined.  It tells of us pain, hope, struggles, love, joy, anarchy, and every other notion, feeling and opinion under the sun.  It is historical.  It teaches us how we have progressed as people and society's.  Anyone who says that Beethoven is far more worthy an artist than Rage Against the Machine has perhaps forgotten that Beethoven was the Rage Against the Machine of his time! 
          I keep on referring to Rage Against the Machine because they are a very good example of misunderstood music.  In this video they are actually singing against white supremacy, not for it, which is what so many people who knew nothing about them and their music thought when this song came out in  the 90's.  They ended up receiving death threats for this song from both extremes, those for and those against.  You know you have done a great job at making people think when you have person on both extreme poles wanting to kill you.  ;) 
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWXazVhlyxQ 
          There are a ton of sites that give you lyrics to songs if you want to make sure you are hearing what you think you heard.  Make sure its a good site however, their are people out there setting up lyric sites and getting them wrong.
 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rageagainstthemachine/killinginthename.html
http://www.spin.com/articles/bikini-kill-ep-kathleen-hanna-oral-history-20-anniversary/  
          You can also search information on any band your interested in.  Don't just land on the bad stuff, make sure you do thorough research, read both sides then form your own opinion.  Your kid will respect you more for it.  This respect increases the chances of them listening to you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_views_and_activism_of_Rage_Against_the_Machine.
          In parenting, and child development there is something called the teachable moment.  It is looking for an opportunity to teach something important.  It requires keeping your eyes, mind and heart open to experiences.  Music is an excellent tool in using the teachable moment.
 http://missingsecrettoparenting.com/parenting-usingteachable-moments
          There is a popular quote by George Carlin that makes it rounds on Facebook from time to time.  "Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."  When we have a favorite song it speak to us.  It stirs up feelings and thoughts.  We dance because our body feels the need to express the feelings.  Not everyone will dance to our favorite song because they don't hear it as we do.  Would you want anyone telling you not to dance?  Not to feel what that song has made you feel?  I have had many favorite songs through out my life.  They have been my favorites for different reasons.  I have listened to them over and over and over again until that feeling is out of my system.  Then I move on to another song, or another band, but I always keep the song in my memory and remember why it meant so much to me at that phase of my life.  Some of those songs got me through very tough times.  I still have albums from my youth, and CD's bought through various periods of my life; bought by my self, together with hubby, and/or sons.  Right now trance music and Steam Punk is growing on me.  I've started paying attention to what band is singing what and anticipate eventually buying a full album or two...ok sorry... CD.  geesh   I don't go to concerts much anymore.  Hubby and I can't see paying for something that for years we got for free.  And honestly, its an environment that we have had enough experiences in, we stick to the smaller venues these days.  I will never stop looking for the music experience however and am grateful that the universe reminded me to keep up.
Peace out
Namaste