Happy Birthday!!

To my youngest who turns 20 today.   Only your family knows all the obsticles you have over come to bring you to where you are today.  All of us are so proud of the man you are becoming and believe that you would not be the person you are today if you had not learned to deal with those challanges early on in your life.  I feel so privledged to be part of your life. You still have so much ahead of you to learn and experience; but your father and I rarely doubt your ability to handle anything that comes your way.  You make good choices, you learn from your mistakes. I enjoy listening to your days and seeing the excitement in your eyes and hearing it in your voice as you learn more and more about who you are and what you want to achieve.  You are, and always have been, a joy to your father and I.  My little fuzzy blonde haired boy who always smiled and still brings happiness to those around him :)  On your path through life always remember who you are, always be kind to others, and find love in yourself and you will find it in life.  I love you!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Center of Attraction

"Do not abondon yourself in your weakness.  There is strength to be found in embacing the parts of yourself you dislike."


          Argh....You know this one is going to be good when I start right off with the sound of frustration.   Ever loose your focus?  I really really dislike when it happens to me; worse yet I sense that people around me who care for me become confused and concerned.  I believe focus is a goal, but bigger.  Focus keeps us grounded and on the path we want to walk in life.   It really is a challange to walk this path of focus daily.  We are tempted daily with "things" and people that life contains.  So how do we keep that focus and keep the trivialities of life from distracting us?
          Lets define a few things first shall we.  :)  The definition we will..um focus on...is; a central point, as of attraction, attention, or activity.  Simple.  In Buddhism focus is pretty important; but once again takes practice practice practice.  In order to gain focus you first must obtain morality, then concentrated meditation, then wisdom.  Here is the interesting thing however...these are taken in baby steps.  It is hard to look at the big picture right at the beginning when learning these three.  It is easier to take morality as it pertains to say...interacting with others daily; use concentrated meditation to ask and answer questions concerning dealing with people; and then, comes wisdom in this area.   After you have gained focus in this area move then move to the next thing; body awareness for instance, or compassion, love, a healthier lifestyle, etc., etc..  It is good to be aware of the fact that all of these are good to have on a daily basis; but why set yourself up for failure?   Focus on one thing at a time, give it your all, then move to the next while still keeping the focus on what you have already learned.  Before you know it SUCCESS!  All done.   Back to the thing I want to talk about though; the loss of focus.
          There are so many thing in our lives that can cause us to stray from the core essentials in life.  Those core values that truley make us happy.  In social work they are called the basic needs.  Home, food, love, cleanliness, education.  Easy huh.  So if these are the basic needs how much of these do we need?  Do we really need a huge home filled with the best of everything; or is having humble surroundings sufficient?  Do we need to eat steak every night?  Or is having something healthy and nutritious ok?  Is the pursuit of wisdom limited to college educations?  Or does it also mean listening, observing and seeing as much of the world, and everything, and everybody that it contains just as important?  Does love just mean sex?  Or does it mean participateing compassionately, daily, with all human kind with out judgement?  I don't think I need to tell you which are the right answers.
          One of the questions my Catholic husband posed to me is on the question of reincarnation.  "Why do people always say that they were some great historical figure, or peace loving animal? And why do they always want to return as something better then they think they already are?"  Well to be honest I didn't know...so I set about finding out.  
          What I found was it has to do with Karma.   Karma is the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something.  So basically if you say,"I want to come back as a mass murderer" it is bad Karma; so Buddhists avoid saying such things.  We say,"I want to return as one of the yellow butterflys that play with each other all day in my back yard."  Good Karma.  Even though we are aware that we do not get to choose what we retrun as.  We can only choose to live an authentic life to try to obtain less suffereing now, and later. 
          We also avoid people who generate bad Karma.  Interestingly enough I recently learned that persons, who we call friends (more like close aquaintances), can generate bad Karma.  They argue, debate, don't listen, complain, victimize, judge, and have general bad attitudes about a multitdue of things.  Interesting...I know people like this. We all do.  I have been critisized for detaching from them.  But according to the Dali Lama, who I am inclined to listen too, we need to detach from these people. We meditate in such a way that we put ourselves in this persons shoes, becoming one with them, to gain compassion, so if we have to deal with them we can. But it is appropriate to detach if necessary. Huh...so actually...don't HAVE to get along with everyone just because I am Buddhist...just imperative to be loving and compassionate. I can do that!!! This should not be confused with the idea that helping everyone you can is important. It just seperates, sets healthy boundaries if you will, those who want help, and will take help, from those who will not, or are unwilling to for what ever reason.
           Then my husband asks, (the pain in the ass, and I say this with affection) "but what if you are a good person now?" and he smiles at me lovingly. Damn...a compliment; he always trys to distract me with these. So I explained the idea of the Bodhisattvas. In Mahayana Buddhism Bodhisattvas are beings who work for the enlightenment of all beings, not just themselves. They vow not to enter Nirvana until all beings enter Nirvana together. I love this idea. :) In my opinion it is the practice for teachers, social workers, people of peace, spiritual leaders, etc etc..
           While I am absolutely sure that enlightenment is always just out of my grasp, (I can see it shimmering some where down a long shiney tunnel when I meditate.) I am sure that I want everyone I meet to obtain Nirvana with me. I have read enough, listened enough, and watched enough to know that there are some truley outstanding people (one female nun that I have in my mind particularily and would love to meet one day) that live the true idea of being a bodhisattvas. I do not go out and preach to everyone that they need to change their religion and views. I do not live a life of a true Bodhisattva Monk or Nun. I sudder at giving up my computer, and going with out cherry ice cream.  (Although my life does not come to a stand still if I don't have them.) I just try to help everyone be more content with life. I want everyone to understand that it is the "things" in this world that make us unhappy. I do the best I can with what I have. I am content.
           So Back to the loss of focus. (As I jump from topic to topic. :P ) I know that as soon as I start feeling unhappy my focus has shifted to unimportant things and it is time to stop and shift my focus back. I meditate more. I ask questions. I seek silence, observe, and listen. Low and behold the answer presents its self and the answer usually is,"You are putting too much importance on the addictions, the things that life contains." Life contains cars, houses, money, restraraunts, department stores, stores, stores, and more stores, things to buy, and a multitude of places to buy them at. (And yes computers, cherry ice cream, and D&D.)
           Then there are the people who put much emphasis on this way of life. What you have is more important then who you are. Saying anything and everything is more important than saying something of love and value. Filling your mind and body with crap is more important then filling it with truley life giving elements. The person with the most stuff wins. Lets not forget that everyone else is responsible for their happiness. Bleh.... Being reminded of this I will share what I understand about focus.
          I think sometimes people in my life misunderstand my sudden detachment from certain aspects of my life. The Pith of the Matter is that for me detaching is a necessary process to gain back the focus. I am always shocked to find during a "confinement" how I allowed myself to become distracted from the real aspects of life that bring me true happiness and contentment. When I choose to detach from something, or someone, it is not because I am having some kind of anxiety attack. It is because I am able to recognize the unhappiness that someone, or something, is bringing to my life. I have made a decision, a conscience choice, to refocus to what I know brings me happiness.  Have no fear, however, my loved ones. I am not far, I am here and I am once again focused. The focus has reminded me of the important basics of life that truley make me happy.

"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge." -The Dali Lama

Damage: A guide for everyone experiencing an abusive relationship

        


           I have known so many people that have choosen to participate in abusive relationships.  So many that I lost count long ago.  A  few still stand out to me.  Like the mother who had to leave her own home because her white supremist children almost beat her to death.  The mom who picked up her kids and moved out of state in the middle of the night and was living in a shelter in fear of her husand tracking her down.  The mother of 7 who was married to her alcholic husband for over 30 years.  He use to play russian roulet with her while the kids played in the front room. (It was her sons who finally kicked him out of the house.) So many...so many.
          What possess's people to stay in relationships that are bad for them?  While females seem to be the ones who are usually quilty of this it is not specific to our gender.  Off hand I know a couple of guys who are in relationships with a significant other who makes them absolutely miserable.  While females usually dont do the physical abusing they are pretty good at mental abuse.  So many people, especially women, will state abuse as the reason for divorce.  Why is that?  I think some of these women need to make problems bigger then they are, but many of them leave because they were abused.  Many men also.  I can't figure out if I notice it more because of the field of work I am in or is the level and incidences of abuse rising? Here is some info. on that.  http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/content/action_center/detail/754?gclid=CLyb-a-4jbECFQeznQodgTkw8A 
          According to the following site 50% of marriages will end in divorce.  The percentage for divorce is greater if you are under the age of 25 and lessons as you get older.  So the longer you stay together the easier it is to stay married.  This site also states that the majority of divorced couples are childless.  It doesnt specify however if people stay together for the children.  It states that people who have children have less incidence of feeling lonely and over whelmed by life. Interesting.  So having people around who love you and respect you is important.  http://www.divorcerate.org/
         There is also an article from CNBC that basically states that couples who are more educated, of the same economic status and working towards the same goals have a better chance of staying married.
 http://www.cnbc.com/id/46797203/As_Two_Income_Family_Model_Matures_Divorce_Rate_Falls
          We know why people get divorced and we know why they stay together; but why do people enter bad relationships and stay?   I am not talking about your generic unhappy, he's not supporting me, or we just arnt having enough sex right now stuff.  Im talking about abusive, destructive relationships that hurt on a deeper level.  Here are some great sites that give some insight into this cycle.
http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/conflict-and-anger/why-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm
          I can tell you from experience that the hardest addiction to over come is the cycle of abuse.  I call it an addiction because, like so many other addicitons, no one can tell you that it is time to be done, that it is killing you, that it is hurting you and others around you...to stop.  The abused person is the only one who can see this at his, or her own time, and do something about it.  THe person in an abusive relationship almost becomes addicted to the bad feelings that are being constantly provided to them.  When they are in a good relationship that provides good feelings it feels different to them so they think, because they have never experienced these nice feelings before, that the good relationship is the one that is wrong...so they go back; or they find someone else who is abusive.  As a friend or family memeber the only thing you can do is the following.
http://www.ehow.com/how_4523539_help-victim-domestic-abuse.html
          Somethings that are not on here.  Get him, or her, to pack an emergency bag; for her and her children.  She should be prepared to leave at a moments notice.  Make sure she has a list of emergency numbers with her at all time including friends who she can turn to.   Keep a disposable camera on hand, a first aid kit and if possible a disposable track phone.  Yeah I know it would be so much easier for the person (and you) to just leave and not expose themselves to all this.  But if you read careflly through all of the above you will understand that it is not that clear cut.  As a friend, or family member, sometimes helping them prepare for the bad times is a wake up call.  Remember to help them prepare with petience, love and understanding.  They have enough uncontroleed anger in their lives, dont add to it.
          Another thing parents dealing with domestic abuse should know.   Child protective agencys will take your children away from you even if they are not recieving the physcial and/or emotional abuse.   Watching you go through it is putting them in harms way.  You are their role models and by choosing to stay, and not take care of your self, you are teaching a destructive pattern of behavior.  Child advocates will not allow this.  It is a basic human right to grow up in a home where you feel safe and loved.  It is one of your primary functions as a parent to provide this. The amount of people who will say that they stayed in an abusive relationship because it is what they saw growing up is staggering.  Break the cycle as soon as you can' for the sake of you and your children. 
          What if the abuse is not so evident? What if it is emtional abuse?  This site is pretty straight to the point.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/is-this-abuse?gclid=CLbHyJeYjbECFQed7QodYCAT-Q
          Some people will state that emotional abuse is worse than physical.  I don't know about that...I personally would like a world with out either.   Emotional abuse eats away at a persons self esteem until they can't make a decision on their own.  They feel like everything that they do is unworthy and wrong.  Physical abuse is deamening, and controlling, on a level that includes everything emotional abuse has accompanied with the fear of physical pain.  Both do their fair amount of damage; combine them and the result is almost maddening.
          Another aspect of abuse is neglect.   http://www.familyadvocacy.net/fap/Neglect.aspx   Neglect will be the reason a child protective agency will take away your child.  Even if you have provided food, and shelter you still have not provided a safe loving environment.  Make a choice, your kids or the abusive mate?  I had a client once who choose her abusive souse over her children.  Her children ended up being raised by her mother who role modeled the abuse.  There's a cyclic dysfunction for you.  I guarentee that another, better, loving person will come along who will treat you with love and respect.  Who will be good to you and your children.
          What is the impact of neglect?  http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/neglect/chapterthree.cfm  While this site focus's on children there are plenty of sites out there that focus on adults.  The bottom line is that everyone needs love, affection, and respect to function in this world.  The with holding of any of these purposefully to control is abuse.  In our home we have never with held love as a form as discipline.  Love, affection and respect are dicsipline tools used to gain psoitive results.  If you are not getting these, or using them you should seriously re-evaluate your discipline, anc communication process; not only with your kids, but with each other as parents.  Why am I sharing all of this?
          Right now, at this point and time, my family knows of approximately five people who are making the choice to stay in relationships that are harmful.   Some of these people are aquaintances, some we know about from other friends/family, and some are persons we truley love and care for.  I am a fixer and I cannot express the level of sorrow I feel when a loved one makes a choice that hurts them.  A choice that they can get out of.  Yes it is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.  But we are, and always will be here for you.  While every ounce of my being screams to just go and get you and drag you out of there I can't.  So all I can do is this...blog information that hopefully will empower you and others to help you.  There is no Pith of the Matter here...until you are safe and happy.

For The Grammer Police

If you belong to the Grammer Police or are a Grammer Nazi STOP where you are.  Reading my blogs cold be hazardous to your health.

Obviously Obvious...or maybe not.

"Sometimes I'm confused by what I think is really obvious.  But what I think is really obvious obviously isn't obvious..."   -Michael Stipe

"I love talking about nothing.  It is the only thing I know anything about."  -Oscar Wilde


          It was just a matter of time before everything Ive written led up to this.  This by no means implys that this is the end of" The Pith of the Matter."  As long as I can think and there are things to have an opinion on I will always...well...have an opinion.  :)   Everything that has come before this blog, and that will come after, has one thing in common; knowledge.  The never ending pursuit to understand more.  More of life and everything that it contains.
           Knowledge has several different deffinitions so to save time I am just ging to provide you with this;       http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/knowledge?s=t    and you can go check them out for yourself.   Heres what I want to know concerning knowledge.  Is there something as too much knowledge?  And how do we know if we have gained too much?
          Here is an article on when knowing too much can hurt you. http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505125_162-31041025/the-knowledge-curse-when-knowing-too-much-can-hurt-you/    The sentence that stood out to me was,"when it causes you to assume that other people know what you do."  This was directed towards managers in a work place, but alot of this information was interesting, and relevant, for everyday use by us none manageing people. (sarcasm)  Don't we all, to one degree or another, manage many things, and people, in our lives?  If we are parents we manage our children.  We manage out homes, and our lives, on a daily basis.  We manage our anger and many other feelings.  So relevent... yes.
          Here's another one; http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/adltmem.htm  The sentance that I took with me was this,"The results show how some types of memeory might be better when people forget what they know and instead approach a subject with a child-like sense of naivate."   Phew, thank goodness for that! Permission to act younger than I am and not have people look at me like I should grow up!  Permission to also pretend that I don't know what the other person is talking about (when sometimes I do I just choose not to contribure.) And an actual good reason (other than menepause and age) for memory loss! There is more out there on this topic, but I tried to stick with those that introduced more factual evidence instead of personal opinions.  Not that others opinionand/or knowledge is adverse to me, its just that in expressing your own opinion on something I feel it is best to back it up with some factual data provided by persons who did some research and have an unbiased perspective on it.
          So now that I have that out of the way lets get to the meat shall we.   We all know people (on occasion I am one of them) proceed to spout out knowledge whether it is asked for or not.  My kids (and their friends) are awfully good at reminding me that they did not ask for my advice.  Yeah...ok...that is not the need for me to show off that I know so much more than they do and build my self esteem.  It is me being a mom, showing concern, and sometimes forgetting that I have raised great sons, who choose great friends, and they all usually know already what I am telling them.  (Usually casue I did tell them already. Sometimes as a parent you have to know that you said it out loud though...just incase.)   Anywhooooo......back to the know it all.
          We have all sat in a room with someone while they either state the obvious to everyone, and anyone, who will listen; ORRRR they spout a bunch of useless information that most people really arn't interested in.   Here's the thing though, the information that others percieve as being useless usually isnt useless to someone else, AND in a conversation if you dont like what you are hearing you do have the choice to politely and respectfully dispute it.  You can also change the subject to something that everybody in the room can partake in.  The point here is dont just sit there and complain that the only thing that "that person" ever has to contribute is such and such or yadda yadda and that is why you don't listen to them. 
          We all have things that we are passionate about, or find very amusing, and most of the time only a fraction of others around us will share the same passion and be amused by it.  I went through a phase where I was using "The Big Bang" tv series as a reference point to almost everything in life...alot of people didnt get it.  Although I often wonder if the ratings went up a little during this period because people in my life were tuning in to try and understand what the heck I was talking about. 
          Learning to be social and communicate with a wide variety of people is not something we obtain in the womb.  It is taught and learned through out life.  So using the excuse,"im not comfortable in crowds" wont work, most people are not comfortable in crowds.  There is a reason why there are so few really good public speakers.   Also saying,"Thats just who I am; my strength is not socialization." doesnt work either.   There are tools out there that help us look like we are strong socializers even if on the inside we don't feel so super hero like.   The point is there is something you can do about it to stop you from feeling uncomfortable and help others feel comfortable around you.   These tools not only help with making friends but will also help in the work place, at school, and any place where it is important to make your presence known.  If you want to progress forward in any aspect of life you have to learn to be social. Learning to communicate is important.  It is a right to make sure that people hear and understand you. 
          Here are some simple rules to get you started.  

• Use your good listening skills.  Look someone in the eyes when they are talking to you.  Don't fiddle with anything, dont watch tv or play on the computer.  Stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. 
• Say something, any nice comment that conveys that you have been listening.  There is something called validation, or mirroring.  This tool works as follows...simply repeat in your words what the other person just said.  Then they know you heard them. 
• Contiribute; but don't interupt.
• If you don't have anything to say, say,"interesting."  My Aunt, who use to be a lawyer, and was one of seven women to first graduate from Wayne State University taught me this.  The word interesting covers a wide variety of sins and is very open ended.  It also never sounds condescending or flase.
• Always and I mean ALWAYS be polite!  Use your manners!  Growing up I always taught my sons to speak their minds; but always make sure to use their manners when doing so.   People will listen to almost anything if you are being polite.  Start screaming, yelling, swearing, making threats, be sarcastic, etc. etc. and no one will listen.

Use these few tools regularly and soon you will find yourself being social.  Heres a couple of other sites that can help.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/effective_communication_skills.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Socialize-Smoothly


          What about someone who knows how to be social but chooses not to?  They have  knowledge, and much more to back it up.  Perhaps they are persons who work in a very social field and sometimes at the end of a long day just don't feel like being social anymore.  Perhaps they are teachers (of any kind) who just don't want to dispense with anymore knowledge, or perhaps they work in some kind of people field where all they do all day is help others with their problems.  Is it wrong for them to come home and not want to talk about "it" anymore?  No I don't thing so. 
          In order to beable to work in these fields I think it is almost imperative that you take a break.  Heres the thing that gets my goat about when these people take a break.   Others around them suddenly start spouting a whole lot of information that is sometimes not factual, not truthful, and not really wanted on topics that they kow you are knowledgable in.  This is not the same as the "Arm Chair Psycho" this is someone just trying to fit in and not succeeding.  It is not the failure at fitting in that irritates me.  It is the look that this person will give the someone who is choosing not to be social in that particular stream of conversation. It is the look of challange.  Bleh...I say bring it...the challange here is not to disprove you but to not play your silly game.  
          Which brings me back to the idea of knowledge.   Knowledge is aquired through experience.  Experience in a variety of different life situations.  Knowledge and experience produces wisdom.   I think I have said this before.  You do not need to be very old to have aquired any of these.  Sometimes someone very young has wisdom beyond their years.  This is not always such a good thing.  It is why parents will sometimes try to protect their children from certain experiences.  This is also not always such a good thing.  Mabey the knowledge that your child gains from an experience will be more valuable then any thing you can tell them.  Yes you should still do your job and give them the benefit of your knowledge in the area in question; you are their role model, they need to hear it, and you need to say it.   But one: be careful how you share the information, and two: let them still go out and have their experiences.  Chance are their experience will not be the same as yours.  If it is?  Then give them what you didn't get.  If no one was their to help you pick up the pieces give them that.  If no one listended to your side of the story, listen to them.  If no one gave you a hug and said its ok everyone makes mistakes, do that!  If no one taught you what to do better next time, do that.  Easy peasy.  :)   Remember when we want to give our kids what we never had growing up it does not mean all the toys and cool material things; it means a greater understanding of the self.  When you have a greater self then getting the things you want in life is not such a challange.  Teaching love and compassion starts at home.
          The next thing about knowledge is this and is really in my opinion the most important thing to know.  YOU DONT HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING!!!   geesh....   I have more respect for someone who just honestly says,"I dont know, but I can find out."   Or,"can I have a little time to think about that and I will get back to you."   Knowing everything, or pretending to know everything, is exhausting.   And trying to be accomodateing to someone who is pretending to know everything can be even more exhausting....the whole scenario any way you look at it is...well...exhausting.   There have been countless times that I have said to a client,"I don't know."  Just be sure that if someone is depending on you to be supportive and help them that you follow through and find out; don't let them down.  Remember what you are teaching here.  Its ok to not know.  Its not ok to not learn.
          What about talking about nothing for a change!   Silence is always good, just absorbing each others good vibes and enjoying peace and quiet is very beneficial.   You dont need to fill the silence...really.   Instead FEEL the silence!  Then there is the benefit of talking about trivial crap.  You know things like...look at that butterfly, hey there is a red headed woodpecker!  Look that lizard is stalking something.  What is that smell?   Geez what did the dog eat?  You get the idea.  :)   Life really cant be a never ending stream of useful information...doesnt that defeat the purpose of living?  There is a benefit in learning to be bored.   For the person, or family, who is constantly on the go, boredom should be a necessity!  (Just dont make it a lifestyle.)
          Here's The Pith of the Matter; to live is to have life; be alive, not dead, to be active, thriving, vigorous, strong, burning, or glowing, flowing freely.   So to be passionate but not so much so that the passion detracts from other aspects of life.  To have a strong opinion but not so much so that others do not matter.  To know the facts but not so much so that you are closed minded to having them disproved.   To interact with others and appreciate their opinions, but not to the point that you dont, or cant express your own.  To go with the flow.  To listen, laugh, and learn. Share if you want.  Dont if you dont want to.  Keep an open mind.   Be appreicative of others; their passions, their opinions, their facts, but hold onto yours.  Most importantly dont know everything.  When you know everyting you have stopped learning, others stop listening, people stop socializeing with you.  You are not having experiences and have stopped living.  This is not wise.
     

Praise All Parents! (PAP)

The aim of life is learning
How to be yourself
How to be good
How to love


     I want to express my thoughts and opinioins on a very serious subject that is close to most of us; parenting.  Either we are parents, or have parents, any way you look at it we all have some kind of knowledge in this area.  Our views on parenting will very usually depending on how we ourselves were parented.  Parents are role models; they have absolute direct involvelment on how children will view the world.  Time for people to realize the importance of this.
     There is a difference between parenting and fathering, or mothering, a child.  Any one can be a sperm or egg donar.  It takes a special kind of person to actually parent.  Dictionary.com defines parent as a mother, or father, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.  A protector or guardian.  A progenitor is a person that first indicates a direction, originates something, or serves as a model; basically a teacher and role model. 
     There is no greater career then being a parent.  Yes I do mean career.  When you choose to be a parent you are making a life choice.  That is, no matter how old your kids get you will always be a parent.  How you parent changes constently, but the fact that you are one does not.  Stick with me here, I will put it all together for you.  :)
     Some people do not choose to have children.  Making a choice is an act, or instance, of choosing, it is making a sleection.  It is a right, a power, an opportunity.  So if a child is brought into the world where a mother, or father, did not actively think about the choice of becoming pregnant, and being a parent, what is the child taught before it is even brought into the world?  And I say mother/father because my opinion is that people who choose to not think about getting pregnant usually do not understand the choice of being a parent.
     In my choosen field of work I have seen more people, than I care to give too much thought to (because it is genuinally depressing), that have not made the conscious choioce to parent.   The end result runs such a wide gambit of consequences that there are too many to list and discuss in this blog.  What I do want to say is PLEASE think before having sex, USE birth control and for the sake of your unborn child LEARN how to be a good parent!  Your child depends on YOU!
     What I am leading up to here is this.  I think it is actually time to give praise to people who are great parents.  I am going to give you the signs of recognizing a great, even good, parent so that when you see them you can praise them.  Being a good parent is a thankless, exhausting, volunteer career.  More people should be prasied for doing a good job.  So how to recognize a good parent.

1. Express love and affection.  Say I love you daily.  Give hugs, kisses and nice loving touches.  Love unconditionally.  Here's details on this so its not so generic.  Be loving to everyone in the house not just the kids.  Parents should use all expressions of love with each other daily also.  Your children need to learn how to have a healthy relationship; they will learn this from you.  The unconditional love thing?  Thats easy; mistakes happen.  Ive said it a billion times we learn from our mistakes.  Children need to make them in order to not only learn, but to learn to be confident.  So if they make one ease up!  Chances are its a small little thing that can be easily fixed.  Teach them how to fix it and make sure you have their back.  That does not mean fix the problem for them that means stand behind them while they do it themselves.
2. PRAISE!  I dont understand why this one seems to hard for people?  But it is.  Dont compare your child to other children.  Celebrate differences!  So what if they cant play sports, chances are they have another stremgth that is awesome!  Teach that being different is good!  Do we really want to all be the same?  Borrrrrrring!  Remember that your child is an extension of you; so if you criticize them you are by default criticizeing yourself.  Think about it. 
3. Focus on the behavior.  This is  not as tricky as it sounds.  Ignore the barage of mean spiteful things coming out of their mouth and calmly remind them that this behavior is not allowed in our home.  Model the behavior you want to see.   If you swear I guarentee your kid will.  Even if you have programmed them enough to not do it in front of you, you will eventually get a phone call from school, another parent, or child care, sharing the language that your child is  sharing with everyone else.  NEVER publically humiliate your child.   If you cant wait to get home to discipline something then make sure you are being respectful.  I remember living in a neighborhood where there was a father who screamed, yelled and swore at the top of his lungs to his young 8 year old son almost daily.  I was personally more embarrassed for the father then the son.  I bet this father was genuinally shocked and perplexed when he got phone calls about his son acting this way with other people too.   Be assertive, use your whisper voice and be to the point.  Remember Charlie Browns teacher,"blah blah blah blah blah?"  This is what kids here when they stop listening.  And they will stop listening to you when youve been talking to long.  You want them to hear you?  And you want to make sure they understood what you were teaching them?  Ask when you are done,"Explain to me, in your words, what I just said."  Youll learn to edit yourself pretty quickly. :)
4. Be consistent and follow through.   When a rule is broken it must have the same consequences every single time.  You have to have the same consequences for everyone in the house, yes that means you too.  House rules are good.  These are rules that apply to everyone in the house and empower EVERYONE, kids too, to remind others of the rules.   No swearing means for everyone.  Pick up after yourself means everyone.   In our house if someone left a mess in a certain room then they were in charge of cleaning the whole room.   No one wanted to clean a whole room so they learned to pick up after themselves.  Includeing me and their dad.  The day our sons got to remind their dad then watch him vacuum and dust the family room was great family fun for all!  (Dad too)   Be consistent with your anger also.  Teaching children anger management is an invaluable tool.  Now be careful here.  Anger management does not mean teaching kids to not be angry; that line of reasoning can be dangerous too.  What it does mean is this; model how to take a calm down time,"I am feeling too angry right now to discuss this with you when I have calmed down we will talk."  It means taking deep breaths, counting to ten, and using a whisper voice instead of yelling.  My kids (and even hubby) know that I am really upset when I whisper and tell them I cant be in the same room as them until further notice.  The cool thing about this is usually I dont need to tell them what they did.  In the time that the calm down time is going on they figure it out, apologize and fix the probelm if they can.
5. LISTEN to them!!  I dont care how long your day was.  I dont care if your boss is and ass, or the people you work with are idiots.  I dont care if it was a long hot drive home!  Your kids look forward to seeing you and telling you about their day.  Sure they may act like they dont want to but they do.  They want to know that someone cares.  SO ASK and then LISTEN!  Dont edit them, dont correct them, dont stare at the tv or computer while they are talking.  Use your good listening skills.  Ask questions about what they are telling you.  I remember my eldest coming home from school when he was about 10 all depressed.  I asked how his day was and I got the generic,"ok."  After asking more detailed questions like what did you have for lunch, who did you play with on the playground etc etc I found out that his best friend was mad at him.  I asked what happened and we problem solved how he could make it better.  He was happier the next day.   Another note about listening.  Listening to a teenager and young adult tell you everything they know about the world and the people in it can be frustrateing.  We all know that sometimes they really dont have a clue.  But if you jump in, correct them and stop listening you will end up with a rebellious adolescent that will stop talking to you and more importantly stop listening to you.  The only way to truly know what they are doing when they are not with you is to listen and keep an open mind about what you are hearing.   Remember they are not you and they will find different ways of dealing with their life that work for them.  Its a good thing!
6. Make them feel safe.  A child living in a home where there is abuse of any kind going on does not feel safe.  Ive had more then one mother who has been the victim of domestic violence ask me why her children were taken away from her.  Stateing always that they would never let anyting happen to their children.  I look them calmly in the eyes and say very respectfully, politely and matter of factly that they have already allowed harm to come to thir children.   What are you and your husband role modeling to them?  No one ever thinks that what a child experiences will leave a lasting impression, but it does.  The instances that it doesnt are small.  There is a difference between argueing and fighting in front of your kids too.   There is eveidence out there now that suggests that when your kids never see you argue they dont learn valuable negotiation skills.   Fighting is destructive, hurtful and has no means to the end.   Dont send them out of the room when you argue.  Let them see how to do it properally.  Use the same techniques used for anger management.  Other things to make them feel safe?  Dont favor one child over another. And respect their privacy.  We have always taught our children that their room is their space, but their space is in our house.  As long as they gave us no reason to invade their space their privacy would be respected.  And that means keeping their space in our house clean.  :)
7. Set boundaries.   The way you choose to eat, sleep, drink, keep your house, make friends, share your house, etc etc are all things that a child needs to learn.   Its ok to say no!  Its ok if they dont want to give grandma a hug or kiss.  Its ok if they dont always want to share.  Ask them why if they dont want to, mabey there is a good reason!  When a child feels empowered to take care of themselves, to be healthy, to say no, they learn the skills necessary to set appropriate boundaries as adults.  I mean really...do you want to worry about who they are hanging out with when your not around?  I know that my sons hang out with persons who I dont exactly approve of, but I also know that they will say no if their, or someone elses life is in danger.  Heres another thought, moms especially are guilty of this.  When you make a choice to not take time for yourself you are teaching your child to not take care of themself.  It is ok to not always be a mom and be you everyonce in awhile.  Some day you will not be a mom 24/7; what will you do then?  Hopefully you will not have forgotten who you were before you were a mom/wife.  We do a far better job parenting when we are healthy happy individuals.  Role model this to your kids.
8. Spend time individually with your kids.  Sometimes Joe or I would only take one kid out at a time; then we compare notes.  My eldest talks more openly with me, our youngest with my husband.  My husband and I talk to each other.  The kids know this.  We parent together; not alone.  But we know the kids are more comfortacle with one of us more than the other.   We never make a parenting decision with out consulting the other one first.   We also do things that our kids like.  My husband takes my youngest to car shows.  My eldest and I discuss computer games and psychology stuff.  I have taken our youngest o the House of Blues for concerts.  My husband plays Call of Duty with our eldest.  Its kinda cool.  :)  Taking an interest in their individuality teaches them to take an interest in you as a person, not just a parent.
9. Give it up.   If you smoke and you dont want your kids to then you have to stop.  If you are an alcoholic chances are at some time your kid will drink.  If you do drugs, so will your kids.  If you want them to eat healthy then you do too.  If you want them to exercise then you have to also.  If you want them to learn to be tolerant then you have to be.  If you want them to understand that being different is good...then be different.  You dont have to be perfect you just have to try.  And if you make a mistake say your sorry then set about teaching them, through role modeling, how to not repeat the mistake.  If a mistake is repeated more then three times it becomes a pattern of behavior and then a possible problem.  Hence the parenting tool of three strikes and you are out.  Have some compassion.  Dont let them get to this point. Make sure you have done everything to make them successful before three strikes happen. Not everything is a behavior problem, ADHD, depression or some other mental or emotional diagnosis; sometimes someone is just not doing there job!       Which leads me to another thought. There is NOTHING that is more harmful to a child of divorced parents (or parents who have a child together) then to have his parents talk badly about each other. They want you to get along and just parent them together. Kids are smart. They understand if you dont want to be married anymore. What they dont understand is your inability to parent them together. Parenting your child has nothing to do with your failed marriage so just get over it. Use your anger management skills and work it out. By the way! Dont acuse someone of sexual abuse to a child randomly just to gain leverage over a divorce situation. Dont accuse someone of being a dead beat mom or dad if they are not. And dont take a child away from a parent just because you are still pissed about a failed marrige. As an eternal advocate for children I am going to tell anyone, who has used any of these techniques, for them to GROW UP!
   I think that it is sad that one of our natural protected rights, which is to have children, has gone so wrong for so many kids. No child deserves to be exposed to so much confusion from the people who are suppose to be providing them with all of the nine points mentioned. I am actually in that group of people who think that parenting is a privledge, not a right. When you have known 7 kids of the same mother and father who are drug and alcohol abusers; all of which have disabilitys ranging from learning disabilitys to cerebral palsey and they keep on bringing kids into the world you form a very strong opinion about parenting. I would not have choosen for any of these wonderful loving children to not be born. Nor would I have choosen for any of these kids to never have lived with their parents form the time they were born; the state would immediateley take them away and place them in foster care. This went on for 10 years for these kids and when it was time to place them they were seperated. Who wants to take on seven kids all at once? Three of which have very specialized health care needs. This is one story, there are more. I use this one becuase it is an example of how our system is so broken. We are so concerned about the rights of parents that we forget about the rights of children. Yes there are laws out there that are suppose to protect children, but sometimes they do more harm then good. It is also a career field where people are over worked, underpaid and way under appreciated. There are so few of us that still feel passionate about it after 10 years.
   The Pith of the Matter? I think that some of this could be easily remedied. All it takes is for more people to hear that they are doing a great job with their kids. Sure notice the parents who are trying to do everything right from the get go. The mom who shows up to every school function, the dad who volunteers to coach and do scouts. But more importantly, that young mom in Walmarts who looks no more than 16 with a screaming child in her basket and is still being petient and loving. The single dad who is with out a job because he needed a job that fit the needs of his parenting schedule and is struggling to take care of his kids; but still takes them to the park to play with them and the library to read to them. The blended familys that despite all the flack they get refuse to say crappy things about their ex's and set healthy loving boundaries in their home. The 20 year old big sister who chooses to put off going to school to keep her brothers and sisters our of foster care. There are so many of these kinds of familys out there now, and many many other kinds of heroic storys. So lets remember that the traditional family in America is not like the Brady Bunch, never was, and give praise to what is real! It is how you can make a difference!
   
   
   "You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become a child." DOGEN