Run Rabbit Run

Breath, breath in the air

Don't be afraid to care

Leave but don't leave me

Look around, choose your own ground

For long you live and high you fly

And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry

And all your touch and all you see

Is all your life will ever be

-Pink Floyd

          I have been meditateing on the breath and the life it gives to us.  What is this thing called breath and do we really understand it importance?  There is much infomration out there on breathing and the "breath of life".  If you Christian then it refers to Geneisi 2:7, "the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."  Breath has countless music lyrics attached to it, many medical theories, and hypothesis.  What I find interesting, however, is that they all have a common thread.   They basically, in many different words anf forms, explain how breathing is life giving and crucial to not only our wellbeing, but the wellbeing of the earth.   Even Genesis, if you read between the lines, implys that man is of the earth and so is the breath. So here we go, time for the world as I see it.  :)
          There is a tool that I, and other Social Workers use, to help people deal with anxiety, addiction, abuse, depression, anger, any kind of recovery, and a multitude of other challanges out there.  I have used it to help parents deal with their teenagers, kids, spouses, and all the agency's that will give even the most petient, tolerant person out there a headache, and heartburn.   It is deep breathing.  
          Deep breathing is different from meditation, but it is the beginnings of meditation.  In order to learn to meditate you first must learn to pay attention to your breath.   When we are in crises mode our breathing speeds up, our heart rate increases, adrenaline kicks in, etc. etc.   All thos natural response help us to deal with what is happening, or what might happen.   Heres the thing though.  It is a fac,t now, that many people, of all ages, who live in constant fear, or survival mode have their body, and mind, exposed to this constant on slaught of responses just mentioned.  This does a few things; first it causes constant stress on the body, and makes the majority of people who deal with this on a regular basis sick either mentally and/or physically. 
          At some point after dealing with this stress for so long the mind shuts down.  I think I have mentioned before the studies done on kids who are raised in some of the worse gang neighborhoods in the country.   They become immune to things that many of us can't even fathom living with.  (And trust me seeing it in real life is much different then seeing it on tv.) 
          A woman who deals with long term domestic abuse, someone dealing with long term addiction, anyone dealing with some kind of terminal illness, or one that takes its toll on the immune system.   All of these, and more, will change someones outlook on life due to the mental, emotional and physical stress.
         Anyways, the idea behind deap breathing is, when anyone starts to feel the intense feelings that are difficult to deal with they immediateley take a very deep cleansing breath.   Yeah, many of us think we are doing it, but heres the trick.  You take the deep breath in very slowly, fill up your lungs, hold it for about 3 to 5 seconds and then let it out as slowly as possible.  It is the very slow process of this that makes the difference.   You are consciously slowing down your breathing, and heart rate.  You can berath in through the nose, out of the mouth, or through the mouth out of the nose, or both on the nose, or both on the mouth; what ever works for you.   The point is that all the while you are listening to your breath.  You rinse and repeat until you feel calm enough to cope.  If you can accompany this with, "I need to take some calm down time, I will return when Im feeling calmer" you should. 
         I have had many people look at me in disbelief and say, "This doenst work when you have someone screaming and yelling in your face."   In my head I am throwing up my hands and saying really; in acutality this is what I have to say to that.  I cannot count the amount of times I have been in someone house (including my own) and have had someone screaming, yelling, swearing, hurling insults and spitting on my face.   I have become so good at deep breathing I can now do it with little to no notice from someone else.  I can sit there calmly, use my listening skills, and wait for the storm to pass while deep breathing.  It just takes practice, which I have had.
          Now lets take this deep breathing thing a step farther.   When you get use to this first step it is time to move to concentrative meditation, or tranquility meditation, which is the form most people are familiar with.   This is where you find a quiet place and breath, concentrating on your breath, until your mind emptys and you have succeeded in giving your brain at leat 20 minutes of peace.  This takes alot of practice.  Your brain will want to keep on going back to a multitude of thoughts.  (The monkey on the brain.)  Many find this practice frustrateing.  A few hints to make it easier; music, and guided meditation tapes are good for this.  Then your mind has to focus on listening it is hard for it to wander; so what ever you choose as background should support the tranquility meditative process.
           I cannot express enough the benefits of this. Expecially if you are dealing with alot of stress, of anykind.  Being able to not think about your (or someone elses) health, your kids, your alcoholic husband, your job, the lack of money, paying bills, etc. etc. is great.  Your brain will thiank you and you will be surprised how refreshed and strong you feel after wards.
          The final step in meditation is learning to meditate on thoughts.   In Buddhism, especially TIbetan, the idea of metitateing on anything from loving kindness, compassion, healing and many other meditations, teaches you to not only value the power of the breath and the life it gives but also grounds you.  You realize that there is more and greater things beyond you, and your problems, in comparisson, become smaller and therefore easier to deal with.  
          When you have reached this point or meditation you actually send a question out into the void and apply all the practices of meditation that you ahve already been using.  It is truley amazeing how, when your mind is empty that, the answers that seemed to elude you suddenly become clear.   It is different then "sleeping on it" which I personally dont like to do; doing this keeps me awake.  When you meditate you are awake but you have focused on one particular question.  You cause your brain to stop thinking about all the other crap and deal with it calmly and thoughfully.  
          Interesting thing here though.  Usually when you meditate on something to do with yourself your brain will take you to the, "Its a small issue really" place.  You get the answer on how to deal with it, and the empowerment you feel when you realize that the drama, that you were dealing with, is really not such a big horrible thing after all, and doesnt require the energy you have been giving it.   When you handle your life with this tool on a regular basis you begin to look at life differently.  Your life questions suddenly become more thoughtfull and less self centered.   Which brings me to the big question about breathing and the Pith of the Matter.
          There is much information out there about how the human race are the caretakers of the earth.   What we put into the earth ultimately effects us also.   So lets look at this in relation to what we put into the air.  The obvious first look, of course, is how many factorys, etc. pollute the air with waste.  How some of the products we use effect the ozone layer and how the cutting down of the trees subtracts from the natural defenses that the earth needs to fight all of this off.   All of this is pretty obvious and if it isn't then ecologists and scientists make it so.  But I am going to add something else to this.
          In our day to day world the majority of us race from one ting to another.  We wake, we rush through breakfast, rush our kids to school, rush to work, rush through work, rush through our lunch hour (if we even take one) rush home, rush through dinner, rush through our interactions with people, half pay attention to our friends and loved ones, watch a variety of sitcomes on tv, sit our selves in front of computers where we loose track of time, sleep fitfully, if at all and wake the next day to start it all over again.  In between all of this we seldom, if ever, take time to listen to birds, listen to the laugh of children, feel the rain, smell a flower, and enjoy the conversation of a stranger.   We complain about things we cannot change, we complain about things we can change but choose not to.  Will fill the world with negative feelings.
         I quarentee that with in this whole scenario your brain is functioning thoughlessly, your heart has had no down time and is pumping faster, both are operateing at a faster rate then they need to, and therefore your breathing is fast.  We are putting out into the air through our choosen breath of life, the feelings of  complacency, disregard, neglect, thoughtlessness and disrespect; not only for yourself but others too.   Harsh?  Perhaps, but the bottom line is how many of us truley, and consciouly take the time to slow down?  I wonder what the air would feel ike if we all took more time to just sit for at least 20 minutes a day and enjoy the sound and feeling of our own breath.    There is more to making the earth go round then adding to the economic status of it.  We don't make the earth turn faster by moving faster on it; and honestly if that was the case wouldn't that just move us faster to the end?  In the end I think we will find that that is really not what it is all about.  
          I challange everyone to stop what you are doing once a day, find a quiet place, and breath.  Send your happy thoughts, your quiet thoughts, your love, your compassion, your breath out into the world around you, slow the world down for a bit and see if anyone notices.  I bet they do.

Run rabbit run

Dig that hole, forget the sun

And when at last the work is done

Don't sit down, its time to dig another one

-Pink Floyd

It's A Sabatoge

So while you sit back and wonder why

I got this fucking thorn in my side

Oh my God, it's a mirage

I'm tellin' y'all it's a sabatoge

-The Beasite Boys

          Humans are a never ending source of interest and surprise to me.  My constant observations and analyzing of why we do what we do is one of the reasons I have choosen Social Work/Psychology as my life passion.  It is a passion; I never tire of it, it has always kept my interest and caught my attention.  One of the things that I find interesting, and has been the reoccuring theme lately, is judgement.   We seem to do it often, pass judgement on each other that is.   So how do we determine when it is appropriate, even acceptable to pass judgement or recieve judgement from others?
          Lets look at what judgemnt means shall we.   The two that apply and that I want to address are one: the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion.  Two-the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind.  Interesting.
          What stands out to me on both of these is opinion. An opinion is a judgement that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty; its a personal view, or attitude, or appraisal, or the formal expresion of a professional judgement.   A judgement or estimate of a person or thing with respect to charecter, merit, etc.
          So what Im making of this is in order to make an accurate judgement of something, or someone, you first must have all the facts.  You have to choose to be wise about the opinion you choose to render; basically, once agin know what you are talking about.  A fact is something that actually exists; its the reality; the turth.  Sometimes facts are present based, sometimes they are based in the past.   This is where it gets tricky now.
          If we choose to be proactive, optimistc people then understanding that the one sure thing in life is that there will be change is imperitive to making a judgement.  Learning to accept change gives us an almost nuetral attitude about an awful lot in life.  This doens't mean that we don't have opinions, ideas, or goals, it means that we understand that our individual thoughs, ideas, opinions and goals are our own and do not apply to everyone else. Let me explain. 
          Lets take the idea of sociology.   Sociology is basically the study of ...well society.  A wise sociologist, when passing judgement on a particular society will take many things into consideration.   Environment, trading, education, laws, social relations, institutions etc.   If you spend time talking with a sociologist you will find that while they have very wise and educated ideas on historical societys and how they either rose, or fell, their judgements concerning todays society are, hmmm, cautious.   This is because they understand that while, say the economy, right now sucks it has the ability to change.  ANd why? because humans are unpredictable even with the best historical facts and are capable of change. Now lets take this idea on a smaller scale and narrow it down to an individual.
          First lets start with an individual passing judgement.   In order to pass judgement accurately it has to be fact based, but we also need to understand that if are dealing with the present change comes into play.  So can we honestly, and confidently use past experiences to judge someone, or something, now?   If you are on the recieving end of being judged how do we know when we should listen to the other person and trust their judgement?  Well.....I think I have and answer for this.  
          Doesnt matter which position you are in weigh the facts.  Is what you are judging, or hearing, make sense?  Is it fact based or emotion based?  Is it wise and unbiased?  Or is it just clever and lopsided?   I can make a very clever arguement for almost anything if I really wanted to just for the sake of arguement, doesnt mean that I will be right.  While I am making this very clever debate I could choose to use emtional blackmail and/or guilt manipulation.  Lets face it, its hard to argue with someone who is telling you the turth about mistakes you have made in the past; but heres the thing.  DOES IT APPLY NOW?  When you make, or take, a judgemnt that is emtioanlly based it becomes personal.   People will usually go on the defensive, become hurt and/ or angry.   The result of this is either the person being judged becomes resentful and stops listening to you; OR they do what you want them to regardless of it being right or wrong for them personally.  They may be temporarily happy because they have pleased you, but in the long run they changed for all the wrong reasons and the end result will not be good some where down the road.
          Passing a quick and sloppy judgemnt over someone, or something, is a form of control.  Anyone who chooses to instantly pass judgement based on past mistakes is not the same thing as passing judgement based on facts.   And the fact is that, when it comes to humans, we are capable of change. 
          My husband and I have made many mistakes.  It is through mistakes that we learn.  A child learning to build a block tower will try again and again until they get it right.  If a parent, or teacher, swoops in and does it for them to save them hurt and frustration what do they learn?  Basically that when they start to feel overwhelmed if they make enough noise about it someone will do it for them.  Hence you get teenagers who through horrifying fits with their parents to get what they want; and the parent is always confused by this behavior, "She was such a sweet child I dont know what happened."  Well...did you take care of everything for her while she was learning?  Mistakes have very important value and critisizing anyone for making them and holding past mistakes against someone is defeating the life learning process.   What is that saying?  Remeber when you point a finger that there are three pointing back at you.
          Anyways, thanks to the mistakes my husband and I have made this is what we agree on.   The only person we have to answer to is ourselves and if we choose to be a good, loving, compassionate, unselfish humans then everything else is really mute.   It is true, you can't take it with you.  Yes, admitedly we will pass judgemnt on persons who we feel live a selfish, unauthentic, superficial lifestyle.  But we look at the facts before we make this judgement and we are slow to judge.   Persons who we put into this catagory most often have no respect for others and therefore little respect for themselves.   These people put alot instore in money and how things look on the material plane.   On the outside everything appears perfect, dig a little deeper and you find a deep well of dissatisfaction. 
          We believe the things in life that make you truley happy and satisfied cannot be bought.  More stuff is just more stuff.   I had a family member who put alot in store in material things.   She surrounded herself with many "things" and all those tings did give her a certain sense of security.   Things don't leave, they don't let you down, they don't talk back, and they take your abuse.  If you don't like them you can easily get rid of them with no repurcussions.   When she died however she didnt take her mink with her, and no one wanted it.   Everything she held dear was dear to her only, and she left alot of people behind who felt resentful of her choices.   She ignored people who loved her, no one could ever please her, she never said I love you and she never shared that she was proud of her children.  True story, based in fact, no exageration, she choose to never change and lived her life this way till the day she died.   She had six people show up for her funeral.  Sad...I learned from the facts that this was not a life I wanted and set about doing it differently.  I take teaching life skills very seriously and back my knwledge up with facts. 
          There is a misconception among many people that success is measured by what you have and what you do, not who you are.   We are not defined by our job.   We loose a job there will be another.   We are not defined by what we own and have.   If we loose a job and have no income stuff goes away.   What is lasting is our ability to keep and sustain relationships.   Passing judgement based on what someone does, how much money they do, or do not have, and what kind of stuff they surround themselve with does nothing towards sustaining healthy relationships.  In my work I have met very wonderful, intellegent, loving, compassionate people who lived in environments that most of us can't even think of; or refuse to think of.   Here is something else for youto thing about.  
          When you choose to get yourself to a place where you choose to do what makes you happy, regardless of how much money you make, you learn to live happily with in your means.   You learn to surround yourself with what you truly feel you need to make you happy.  You find that the simplar life is the happier you are.  Things fall into place and you feel successful because you feel happy and genuinly secure in YOUR life choices.  Your happiness and security is contageous and the relationships you have are effortless. 
          So to those of you who choose to judge my life, and/or any of my loved ones, this is what I have to say to you.  Judge away...your opinion will not change anything.  When you have shared the facts with me that are not based on past mistakes and/ or are not emotionally based then I will respect your judgement.   But as long as you choose to tell me what you think is good for me, or anyone I love, based on "shit" that happened years ago (and yes I do mean shit because that is exactly what it was back then) then we have nothing to discuss.  You are still invited to participate and share my life, but prepare yourself for disappointment and know this.  That disappointment you feel in me and my loved ones is yours alone.   

  You better think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free

-Aretha Franklin

A Mom Ponders the Male Species: Happy Mothers Day!

         


          I have been watching a certain animal species as of late.  In fact it has really been my life work.  We are surrounded by this species daily, and if you are me this species out numbers you most days.  This species is the male.   I have mentioned before in other blogs that I have been the only female in my immediate family for sometime, until my future daughter in law came along; I still cannot begin to express the feeling of joy at having her in my life.   Yes I know that sounds selfish; my son did not pick her specifically for me; and Im pretty sure she feels a little over whelmed when she shows up here some days to visit and I have that look on my face that says, "save me."  But there it is, it is what it is and I am happy she is joining our family.  But I wander...back to the male speciies.  
          Being someone like me, in a house that is painted in testosterone, sometimes (like in any environment where you are surrounded by animals that you are unfamiliar with) I choose to sit and listen, and observe, the male rituals from time to time.   My men would at this point gafaw at this statement and express out loud with great emotion that never have I sat and listened; that I always have something to say about almost everything.  Yeah well mabey.  But what they perhaps dont realize is this; that with out a certain amount of observation on my part, and learning to understand them, they would not listen to what I have to say.  
          What I have learned through my observations is that men and women are different, thank goodness, and basically thats all there is to it.  So on this Mothers Day I am going to share what I have learned about the male species in order to help future moms (one that I know in particular) deal with their household of men.  But also to sing the ultimate praise of the male specieis.
          First of all men do not communicate like we do.  Get them in a group and they seem to communicate in a series of grunts, that are accompanied with other bodily noises comeing from other various parts of their body, more often then not not from their mouths (although I can say that their mouth plays a very important role in their happiness.)  They also like to form a sort of pack where they spend time "trolling" each other and using an advanced form of humor called "sarcasm" which only they understand and find funny.  
          Do not let this form of communication scare you.  Approach them cautiously when entering the pack, they will not growl and snap at your heals driving you off.   They will test your ability to survive within the pack by using sarcasm and some strange male bodily odors (which the female will find repulsive) but stand your ground.   I cannot stress enough the importance of attempting to not let this primitive form of communication over come you and drive you off.  You must stand your ground and set the boundaries for them having your presence, not the other way around.   Remember the male bonding rituals are sacred,  While you can hope to slightly change some of the behaviors they use while around you many of the behaviors will never completely go away and will show them selves when your male(s) are with other of their species.  Just smile and nod your head knowingly while you observe.
          Which brings me to the next point.   Even if they wont admit it they want you around.   The male speicies seems to almost need the female species, even if they prefer the company of the male specieis.  I have observed that the male seems to need your presence for a few reasons.   One- having a presence of a female with them increases the respect from other males; especially those males with out a female.   Two- you smell good. Three, and the most notable reason is: Having the approval of the female is imperative to their sense of well being.  So while you are setting the boundaries for being in their presence be sure to follow it up with large doses of praise and love.   The male species loves to be rewarded and bribed.  If you are a mate you can use sex.  If you are dealing with other males items that I have found that elicite a positive result are; food (especially if you can find their favorite sustenance), the sole use of the remote control (this is not limited to the tv remote as once believed; we have now found that the use of any remote to any electronic device works in the pleasure centers of the male species), trips to electronic shops, car shows and any place that has half dressed women, alcohol, video games that have some sort of guns or melee weapons, and of course you listening to them.   Do not underestimate the power of you giving them your sole attention; I have found that this one form of praise works far better then any other.
          Next never underestimate the power of food.   Men love food, specifically meat.  If you can learn to prepare this simply over an open fire you will have them at your beck and call.  If you cant dont fear, giving them access to uncooked slabs of meat and an open fire, where they can make their own meat, works just as well.   Dont get all fancy with the side food for the meat, hunks of bread and a cooked whole potatoe that can be slathered in large doses of butter, and sour cream will suffice.  If you really want to make them happy give them the bacon option with everything you serve.
          By far the most difficult obsticle to deal with in the male species is their cleanliness  routines.   While the male species is growing and maturing it is almost impossible for them to keep their surroundings clean.  Some of them have their hands full just trying to keep their own body odors in check.   I suggest that during this phase you recruit the active help, and participation, of an expereinced male to guide them.   This is one area you don't really want to involve yourself in too much...trust me.
          There is an almost endless array in information on the male species that can keep the female species talking and pondering over until the end of time, but in the end I have found that the male species is a simple animal and in dealing with them, to make your life easy and happy, just keep it simple.  
          They are like many of us in the fact that they just want to be loved and respected.   When you learn to perfect giving them their simple needs the return, and feeling of joy, to you is endless.   No where in the universe will you find a more loyal loving species then the human male.   They will protect you with every inch of their being.   They will provide you with a home that you can nest in, food that you can create with and endless amounts of love.   They are strong animals with broad shoulders to rest your head when you are tired or need a shoulder to cry on.   They will not allow anyone to use or abuse you.  They like to see you adorned in all kinds of beautiful and colorful items and will go about giving them to you when they can.   They are spontaneous creatures full of mrith.   Quick to apologize, strong in body, mind, spirit and love.  So on this Mothers Day I take a minute to ponder, and remember, all the great joys in my life that have been given to me from my men.   Where would I be with out them.  My life is a safer, happier place full of endless amounts of love and respect thanks to them.   My lifes work has been time well spent.