The Potential of Potential: For parents who want everything for their child(ren).

           Periodically I am faced with other parents who question the success of my sons, for what ever reason, and by association how they were parented.  This bothers me but not for the reasons you may think.  I rarely get up in arms and angry at people who throw out comments about how my sons choose to maneuver their lives.  What I more often feel for these other parents is a deep regret and feeling of compassion.  I wonder if they know and appreciate their own children fully?  While I usually don't say anything to these parents/caregivers, because I don't feel the need to explain, or make excuses, for choices in my life that have nothing to do with them, I do feel the need to share some wisdom that I can honestly share has been successful. 
          This wisdom is not mine.  While it has been adjusted to fit to our family the knowledge has been taken from experts in many different fields of life.  So while reading this know that you also can go out and find the information that will fit your family and lifestyle. 
           When husband and I had our first son we sat down and had a conversation about what were going to be the most important things we wanted our child(ren) to learn.  The things that would help them be successful in life.  Before we could do that we realized that we needed to define what was the meaning of success.
 http://www.dictionary.com/browse/success?s=t
We decided that success is defined differently by everyone but ultimately must include happiness.  The traditional meaning of success usually includes some word that means wealth. 
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/wealth?s=t 
The definition of wealth includes some reference to money, and material items.  But it is in the second definition of wealth that we focused on. 

2.  an abundance or profusion of anything; plentiful amount:

          Many people believe that wealth, and by association, success, is defined by money and everything it can buy.  When you realize that the statistic's for people who are actually able to obtain, and maintain, this definition is very small in comparison to the over one quarter of American's currently on welfare it becomes clear that the meaning of success does not necessarily apply to everyone and should be carefully defined. 

          Having an education in child development, human development, and social work hubby and I asked the question,"isn't it more important to teach a child certain skills that ensure happiness in life in general?"  On the off chance, and no parent wants to think about their child struggling in life in any shape or form, that they were unable to achieve the 4% of wealth in America? 

          We came up with a list of skills/tools that we felt, and still feel to this day, that would enable our children to find happiness and there for success.

* How to be polite.  Manners should always be used with everyone.  We made sure to teach our kids that insisting on using manners is not a sign of weakness.  Using words and not your fists will get you farther in life.  Being able to use manners when ever confronted with a bully of any age, through all stages of life, defines character.  More importantly knowing that you can be polite when faced with rudeness is an internal motivator.  It feels good when you have succeeded at standing up to a bully with only your words, and character, and encourages you to be brave.  This internal motivator moves us forward to face other scary situations, like a new job, a crappy boss, a new school, moving out of state, your first child, etc.  It also encourages learning, which in turn encourages wisdom, and supports further courage enabling further accomplishments.
 

* Honesty.  Kids, and adults will progress through stages of life where they lie.  Sometimes this is developmentally appropriate.  Learning how, and when the world can be manipulated is actually an important part of development, so when a child is caught in a lie it should be handled carefully, with out fear, or embarrassment, and always with a consequence that is appropriate. 
          The test of whether or not you were successful at teaching this skill is; did they turn into honest, trustworthy adults.  Are they capable of communicating what they think and feel with respect and honesty to achieve their goals?  Honesty is directly related to politeness.
 

*Read.  To them, with them, for them if necessary, and encourage them to read what interests them.  (Even if it is comic books.)  This encourages communication, and imagination.
 

*Imagination and the ability to create.  There are some studies out there that suggest that children who are not exposed to and/or have never had the chance to be creative have a harder time problem solving.  If you cant problem solve how are you going to get that promotion?  More importantly, how will you keep that promotion and continue to climb the ladder.  Let them imagine what ever it is they can.  Encourage it and be involved in it.  Listen to there music, read what they read, play the games they play.  Show them all aspects of creativity and how important it is to all of us in different ways.

*Faith.  While we took our children to church with us when they were young; when they hit puberty they began questioning religion and god.  Give them options to your religion.  Show them that the world is full of all kinds of faith.  Teach them that its not important that they follow your path but they have a path and if they opt to be atheist be the best atheist they can be.  Role model how to live with each other respectfully while having different faiths.  Hubby is Catholic, I am Buddhist, we love each other, and agree to disagree on some points of faith, reincarnation vs. heaven for example.  Being able to do this in your household is invaluable to teaching compassion, which is something all faith's subscribe to.

*Compassion.  In this world full of so much anger, hate, and confusion the best thing you can arm your child with is compassion.  Knowing how and why people do what they do.  This must be taught with empathy.  While we are born with empathy it is still a skill that must be role modeled and nurtured.

*No.  I remember having clients who didn't want their child to hear no.  While the intentions were good this sets up children for failure.  If you choose to raise your child in a world where they never hear no they will be disappointed as adults...often.  The world is full of no.  The trick is teaching them that its nothing to be afraid of and to get out there and try again.  To be brave. They gain confidence with no by being allowed to say no and knowing that you are going to listen to their reasons for saying no and periodically back them up on their decision.  YES it is your job to sometimes say to them I'm sorry you don't want to do this but you still have to.  BUT it is also your job to sometimes respect their reasons for saying no and let them have it.  Knowing some one will listen to them builds confidence and more importantly keeps you connected with them through all the difficulty's of their life.

           Lastly but certainly the most important one.  Our children our not an extension of us.  They are their own person.  ON the flip side having them make lots of money, drive big fancy cars, have a big house, does not define what kind of job I did parenting them.  Do we really need to be proud of our children only for how much they make?  What is it exactly that we are suppose to really be providing for and to each other. Isn't it more important to be proud of the kind of person they are and how they treat those around them? It is our job just to give them the tools, support, love, compassion, they need to go out into the world and forge their own way.  With that said I want to explain the potential of potential and how everything I just shared ties into this.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/potential?s=t
http://www.sgi.org/about-us/buddhism-in-daily-life/shakubuku-reveal-true-potential.html
 

          As a parent it is out jobs to watch our children for strengths and encourage them on a path that encourages those strengths so that they may be successful and ultimately happy, and if not always happy (because expecting that is expecting perfection) at least confident, in their choices.  BUT it is not our job to push and/or imply in any shape or form that we think they are on the wrong path and not meeting their potential.  Suggesting that they are not meeting their potential will more often than not cause your child to feel unsuccessful and backfire on you.  No one can define anyone else's potential. (This is why IQ tests are rarely used anymore.) Potential is a discovery, a journey, to be experienced by each of us at our own pace.  As a parent have confidence that your child will find the way. 

          YES it is hard sometimes to sit back and do nothing when every ounce of you wants to rush in and recuse them, protect them, and show them the easier path, the right path (in your opinion).  But you cant. Well you can, but unless they are doing harm to themselves or some one else I wouldn't recommend it. 
          You may feel the temporary feeling of satisfaction that comes with thinking that you did what was right for your child, but more often than not what usually happens is they will do it their way after all, and end up slightly resenting you for putting them on a path that wasted their time.  So its ok...they can figure it out for themselves.  And I don't say this in a vindictive, angry tone of voice kind of way. I mean in a they can, and will, figure it out with out you, have confidence in them and your parenting, kind of way.

          I have ultimately always been more proud of my kids when they do it on their own with out me and/or hubby.  I have been proud of them when they really screw things up because they learn from their mistakes.
          I wanted to send strong, independent, compassionate, honest, respectful adults out into the world who all made a difference in their own way.  If they wanted to be a garbage man then be the best garbage man they can be.  If they wanted to work at McDonalds then be the best darn Mcee D's employee there is.  No matter what their choice was, or is, just do it to the best of your ability and your will discover your own individual potential.  Once anyone figures out they are capable of more, then they want more, simple as that.  Its not anything that can be taught, it must be experienced.  Give them what they need to experience life to its fullest and how to be good at it and it will be ok.
          The Pith of the Matter is this. When you walk your own path with love, respect, politeness, compassion, and confidence you will get what you need to be happy.  To be successful and obtain all the wealth you need in this life to sustain you.  Be a thoughtful person and you will raise thoughtful children.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
― Leo Buscaglia

“The choices you make now, the people you surround yourself with, they all have the potential to affect your life, even who you are, forever.”
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

“Part of the problem with the word 'disabilities' is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk or do other things that many of us take for granted. But what of people who can't feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren't able to form close and strong relationships? And people who cannot find fulfillment in their lives, or those who have lost hope, who live in disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”
― Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

Its Beyond My Control

  


 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjUmvHBgHr0   


         Everyday I look for something new.  Something I've never seen, never experienced, someone I've never met.  The older I get the more difficult this seems to be.  I find myself often thinking, "Been there done that."  I try to keep the idea of your never too old to learn alive.  What I learn most from, still, is people, and the challenges they confront, endure and sometimes how it affects me and life in general.
          Lately, and with out going into detail, many family members are going through some pretty life altering challenges.  I try to be supportive by mostly listening.  Trying to only give advice when it is asked for, although, honestly, sometimes I will do it whether it is asked for or not.  Being a mom, and because its just the way I am wired, I have to fight the over whelming urge to rush in and solve problems for the people I care for.  At times this takes a huge emotional toll on me.
          I have very few people I talk with.  I am a fixer and a listener.  I do for people they don't do for me.  Because my inner circle is minute, by choice, finding someone to vent to is an issue sometimes.  If everyone in my inner circle is going through challenges I don't feel that it is my job to add to their challenges, so what do I do?  All this has a point and it will connect so bare with me.
          Recently I took a huge leap of faith and reached out to someone I normally don't.  This person has, on many instances, shared that they would be there should I need them.  In short I took her up on it and it turned out, I can share very happily, to be absolutely true. 
          I learned that reaching out to someone who you normally wouldn't proves exceptionally beneficial.   Not only did I add someone to my inner circle whom I can now trust with many thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't even share with others in my inner circle, but this person gave me some very valuable, nonjudgmental insight. 
          We were able to share our frustrations over certain circumstances that we share which was helpful to both of us.  This person also gave me a fresh perspective on a few things, one of which was very valuable and helpful, which is the point of this blog.  Some wisdom learned and worth sharing for others to benefit from.
          At one point of the conversation, after sharing all that my loved ones were going through, and how utterly helpless I was to do anything but listen and stand by and watch, I said, "I don't understand why all of this is so difficult for me.  I'm Buddhist, I understand the concept of suffering, things beyond my control, and being honest, stating what you feel and backing away from it; but I cant state how I feel under any of these circumstances because it wont help them, it is all beyond my control."
          She looked at me with a little smile and a understanding look in her eyes and said basically that the control rests with me.  How I choose to deal with the circumstances.  I remember looking at her and thinking, how the fuck did I miss that?  (I may have even said it out loud.)  Well I missed it because everything that I am dealing with has to do with people I love. 
          I suddenly remembered some social work advice I use to tell many care givers/parents. They should never advocate for their loved ones, get some else to do it for them.  Share what you want with the advocate and let them speak for you.  Well that advice doesn't exactly apply here, but the feeling they would have when confronted with that choice does. Not being able to do what you really want to do for someone you care for.  It is realizing that you must trust someone else and that things are beyond your control.
          I meditated on this for a few days and I suddenly had an epiphany.  The Pith of the Matter.  It came to me as many things do, in a huge wave of peace and realization.  The old child development phrase.  Gain control by giving control. 
          I believe and tell others, often, maybe too often those close to me may state, that the universe has plans for us and it will push us in the direction we need to go.  Sometimes things feel hard because they are; we need to just push through them until we get it.  Sometimes they are hard because we need to let them go.  Knowing which is which is the hard part.  The only way to know which is which is to keep moving forward until the universe shares which it is.  This feels like an agonizingly slow process sometimes. 
          When dealing with those around you whom you love and care for its pretty obvious which way to go.  You sit back, watch, and wait, for what seems like and eternity.  Sure most of think we have the answers, we've been there, we know exactly what needs to be done; but sometimes the answer is not giving the easy answer.  So instead you meditate, pray, breath, hope, and trust, have faith, what ever faith is to you, and wait.  And wait. And wait... 
          Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fore see every outcome to a difficult situation?  It would make life so much easier, but we can't.  All we can be sure of is our own behavior.  All we can do, give, is what we all have to offer.  Love, patience, compassion and kindness.  That's it, simple really when you think about it.  Those few simple things give more strength to yourself, and all involved then anything else you can do.  Love really is the answer and that is not beyond your control.
Emaho  Namaste Peace out

“Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect the pain inflicts. If one can endure pain, one can live without suffering. If one can withstand pain, one can withstand anything. If one can learn to control pain, one can learn to control oneself. ”
― James Frey, My Friend Leonard

“Chaos is what we've lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”
― Terence McKenna

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

 

Its Been Done Before

Why write about that?  Its been done before.
Why read that?  Its been read before.
Why draw that?  Its been done before.
Why grow that? Its been done before.
Why wear that?  Its been worn before.
Why watch that? Its been seen before.
Why go there?  Everyone does.
Why believe in that?  Everyone does.
Why believe that? No one does.
Why think that?  Everyone does.
Why think that? No one does.
Its all been done, except by you.  The path you walk is yours.
Emaho  Namaste  Peace out

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
― Gautama Buddha, Sayings Of Buddha

     

 

“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
― Garth Nix, Sabriel

tags: destiny, path, questioning

 

“So at the end of this day, we give thanks
For being betrothed to the unknown.”
― John O'Donohue

tags: path

The Phase Of Peace: For Men About Women

         


          Women pass through many phases in their lives.  I am familiar with some of them due to experience, and some because of my education.  I have noticed that women, for what ever reasons, be it the tides, the moon, or what ever, seem to share phases.  I feel there is a reason for this and it should be noticed.
          When we are very young we are cared for.  We are taught by those around us, role models if you will, what kind of a woman we should be.  We are also taught by social media.  While our culture has taken great strides in women's progress we did, and still do, receive the same basic lesson.  I strong woman must look beautiful, speak softly, and not make the same mistakes as a man. 
          When we make the same mistakes the punishment is not the same there fore sending the message that we are not equal to men. I'm sure some of my male readers out there right now are raising their eye brows and feeling perhaps more that a little discomfort, and disbelief, at this perception, but its true.  I think you would be hard pressed to find many women out there who didn't feel this way.  While the suffragettes and women's movements are pretty much done with their work, and have achieved many great accomplishments for women, it does not mean that many of us do not fight the good fight daily.  How do we do that you ask?  Sit tight and read on.
          Some history for you on the females evolution into being a woman. 
          When a women hits puberty it is not, for most of us, a joyous event, even when our female role models try to role model that it should be.  Our right of passage into womanhood is messy and bloody.  It is scary, uncomfortable, and painful.  You will not find a woman who speaks fondly of this right of passage.  In fact this monthly reminder of womanhood continues to be an uncomfortable reminder most of our lives.  What makes this experience more bearable is other women who are sharing the experience.
          I had a professor once who spoke directly to the males in class and basically shared the following.  When a man is feeling achy, having stomach cramps, feverish, to the point that it makes him feel unable to cope with the world he will stay home and someone, usually a female, cares for him.  This is how a woman feels every month, and yet most males choose not to recognize this and care for the woman in their lives, whether it is their mom, sister, wife, girlfriend, etc.  Why is that?  Why is there a message out there that says to everyone, male of female, that this is to be endured quietly and nothing can be done about it?  My perception is religion has something to do with it...just sayin.
          We get past the rite of passage and realize that there is power in our changing body's in the form of sex.  This power is once again a awesome, thrilling, scary, and yes even bloody experience if not used properly.  It is during this phase that we learn what kind of man, or woman we want to spend, or not spend the rest of our lives with.  These perceptions at this time are also modeled by the people around us and the environment we are in.  I have never met a woman who has shared that her first sexual experience was wonderful.  It is once again messy, scary, and bloody.  (If you understand virginity and what happens when you are not one anymore you will understand the bloody perception.)  If a woman is with a significant other who is not understanding of how the second right of passage of loosing your virginity is into womanhood then this experience can, for many females, leave bitter memories that sometimes last a life time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZLbUIa7exE
          We get through the power of sex phase and enter our me phase.  There is a few years in our twenties, sometimes into early thirty's where life, for most of us, is pretty good.  We are going to school, working, being independent, finding our path in life, making friends, many of which will last a lifetime.  (Even if you loose some of these friends they come back around, trust me.)  It is during this time of confidence that we usually find someone and decide to spend our lives with them, build a family.  We get married, have kids, and our lives become messy and scary again.  For some even bloody.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
           Many of us settle into the role of wife/mother/working female/house keepers/nurse/friend/lover/teacher/cook/maid...too many to list, but its true.  Once again I feel some eye rolling going on from my male readers; perhaps you are thinking, at this point, that I am just another female feeling sorry for myself and/or getting up on my soap box/pedestal, complaining about things that men have been dealing with for century's.  Yes I, and other females, have heard these statements from males for generations.  I call shenanigans on many levels.  Just a thought.  What would the world be like if that thought I just had was not in my, or your your head?
           I know many males who share all aspects of life's responsibility's with their significant others, my sons included.  But even my sons, from time to time, share their confusion on the inner working, feelings and emotions, of women.  Why is there this confusion? 
          This phase exhausts us, both men and women, and even at times makes us feel extremely small and insignificant in such a big world that has already brought us so much fear and chaos.  Often times we sit and look at our choices and wonder why did we make this choice.  Unlike men however women rarely keep these thoughts to ourselves. 
          Many of us vent our anger, frustration, exhaustion and disappointment to the most important choices in our lives out of fear.  I have always believed a couple of things here based on my own personal experiences.  The first is that a good defense is the best offense; we sometimes choose to act crazy out of fear and disillusionment over what feels like a lack of control over our lives.  Second, we need attention, someone to tell us that everything is ok, that we are doing a great job, and that we are still treasured as a woman.  Third, we need someone to be our anchor from time to time.  To step in calmly, quietly, (quietly is important here), lovingly, and just take care of us for a change.
          I have heard many men have the same complaint; that no matter what they say, or do, sometimes it doesn't matter.  OK a couple of thoughts here.  Be strong, ride that storm out, if you love her be patient and understanding.  Some where in her head she is thinking that she does the same for you more often than you notice.  When you come home from work and are grouchy, tired, and distant you are giving her your version of bad behavior in a marriage.  When you forget, or ignore how she is feeling, and use excuses like I don't understand, I don't get where this is coming from, or just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, you are sending a clear message that you are not being thoughtful and/or engaged in the relationship; that you leave all that messiness, and fear to her...alone.   If we wanted to be alone you would not be there, we are not that shallow which why many men have a hard time understanding women. 
         Men and women are wired differently, women think, analyze, examine every angle, men just act.  If men don't understand what they should do, if they have never been taught what to do while growing up, they will do nothing, not because it is the right thing to do, but just because they have been taught that what to do is, nothing.  It is often frustrating to women to have to teach their man what to do, but when it is successful it has great payoffs in the relationship.  The trick is not to be demeaning, and embarrassed about it.  We choose to be in a relationship with someone mostly out of trust for the other person, always assume that the other person has your best interest at heart.  Be thankful that that person is there to help you be better, listen to them, learn from and with them.
http://www.boredpanda.com/men-women-differences-comic/
          While women learn to navigate this phase we learn to be strong.  Yes, some of us break during this phase.  We do what men have been doing for century's, we leave, we self medicate, we abuse. The law now recognizes that because women have the same rights as men we also sometimes loose our family's just like men have. 
          Most of us learn to become strong and get through this phase.  Some of us raise our kids and send them out into the world, once again dealing with more fear and mess.  All of us watch the relationship with our significant other change.  What was once, for most of us, a relationship defined by common passions, for almost all areas in life, and an excitement for adventure, now turns into mostly routine, and neglect.  Now, I would like to point the finger at males at this point, but I cant, women play a part in this phase also.  But perhaps not for the reasons you think.
         I'm going to be completely honest with you.  Any relationship cannot be defined by sex alone.  It is not sex that will endure, it is fear, mess, and change that endure; for these reasons everyone should find a way to make their own individual lives better.  Relationships are also not defined by what you do together and how often.  They are defined by what you do together when you are together.  Quality not quantity.
          Relationships are defined not only by the time together but the time apart.  Both people in any partnership should remember this.  If you choose to spend quality time with your significant other than make an effort to do so and don't make excuses.  Don't let anything else come between you and that promise.  It is the promises broken and kept that everyone remembers.  Break enough promises and other things will break as well. 
          On the other hand understanding that change is the one surety in the world never forget to forgive some of those broken promises.  Set reasonable boundary's.  Know and define," what is my self worth, in order to be the best person I can be this is what I can, and cannot tolerate."  You must always understand that perfection is impossible, we are all human and learn from our mistakes. 
         Understand the concept of deal breakers in a relationship.  Abuse, severe neglect, repeated substance abuse, any kind of repeated destructive behavior.  The most obvious example of something like this is adultery.  Most people who have been married a long time will tell you that one, or both of them, engaged in another relationship while being in a committed relationship with the person they have spent their life with.  It was the suffering, the forgiveness, the wisdom, that came from that choice that actually caused more closeness, and the strength to endure.
          Some where in our 40's, the next phase, females will once again take a long hard look at their lives.  In human psychology, and sociology, there is information on this.  Suddenly we re-examine our spirituality, our careers, our relationships', not just with our significant others, but friends, and extended family in general.  In a nut shell we start discovering that we want to live an authentic meaningful life. 
          Yes being a part of others lives, in what ever definition/perception that is for every individual woman is and, was, an important phase of our lives.  But we hit a phase where suddenly feeling meaningful means more about us as individual's. 
          I think this phase is sometimes confusing to men.  It is not just about empty nest or getting old.  It is wanting to know that you put as much energy into yourself over the years as you did to others.  It is about understanding how to appreciate yourself as much as others.  It is about finally understanding that appreciation can only be given to yourself by yourself and that it is not dependent upon others.  It is a strength, a wisdom, a gift to ourselves by ourselves, independent from others.
          I cant tell you how many women I know that after a long day of working, cleaning, caring for others, loving, being compassionate, kind, etc. go home and cry.  Many men see this as a sign of weakness?  Why?  Because they were taught to do so.  In reality women cry to release stress, it is the stress releasing that causes women to live longer then men.  The worst thing you can do is ignore this.  I have heard many women share that they feel silly, and weak for feeling the effects of the stresses of their day.  I say embrace those emotions.  Use them wisely.  Teach anyone who is watching that yes you feel like crying sometimes, but you still get up the next day with a smile on your face and carry on.  This does not make you crazy it makes you a woman, and a human. 
 http://www.webmd.com/women/features/stress-women-men-cope
             I have learned something important after getting through my 40s.  I am a far better person for it, my relationships are stronger, I have new interests, a new spirituality, and life is a wonderful adventure for me again.  I also learned something even more important.  I did not need anyone else to learn and endure this, my life. 
            This was a revelation to me, and my husband, who suddenly remembered that not only did he have options in life, but so did I.  Now don't get me wrong.  Sometimes some reminding on both halves has to be done to encourage, and support, the partnership, and individuality.  The bottom line is by finding myself as a person again I was, and am able, to once again put my energy into being there for others.  Which, for most women, is what drives us. 
            The Pith of the Matter is this.  From the start life is scary and messy.  It is full of suffering, it is unavoidable.  It is how we are taught to deal with all the messiness and fear that defines who we are.  It is our perception of our life that make us who we are as individuals. I have no respect for anyone who looks at someone and places a label based on age, sex, religion, social status, etc.  The bottom line is this.  WE WILL ALL go through the same exact phases of life at our own time in our own ways.  Understanding this should not divide us.  Cut yourself and those around you a break.  Learn to go with the flow a little.  You don't need to have anyone share in the joys, fears, happiness, failures, triumphs, chaos, changes, in your life, all of them are yours alone.  If anything feel compassion for the person who chooses to ignore you and how special you are; think of all that they are choosing to miss out on.
          Yes sometimes others make a contribution, but whether those contributions are good or bad in the end their perception of events will differ from yours.  Your feelings on your perception are yours alone.  Just own it, its ok.  With ownership comes great power, confidence, and most importantly peace.  Peace is a great thing after all the fear and messiness.  It will not be peaceful all the time, but the moments will be great and wonderful. 
The phase of peace, I wonder what's next.
Emaho  Namaste Peace out

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

tags: clichés, double-standards, empowerment, equality, feminism, flattery, gender, hypocrisy, independence, men, misogyny, rationality, reason, self-determination, social-norms, stereotypes, strength, women, women-s-rights

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

tags: cats, humor, women

 

(see Fairy Tales blog   https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3932333442274546027#editor/target=post;postID=2913142971048119951;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=51;src=postname )

The One

     


      Been a long time since I wrote anything.  Why you ask?  Well there is a story in there I think.  So I will tell it to you.  (see Buddha Was A Story Teller Blog)
      A few months back I decided to go back to work.  I didn't want to have a career again, I had two pretty successful ones and felt pretty content with in that fact.  I just wanted a job now, one where I could earn a little me cash, get out a couple of days a week, and keep busy.  I like to work.  I like to work hard.  So the jobs I looked at were ones where I knew I wouldn't be sitting around watching the clock slowly tick away, breaking the time up with an occasional yawn, or two, or three. 
      The first job I found was at a well known hobby store chain.  This started off being what I thought was a pretty good job.  Craft store!  Surrounded by arts, crafts, and like minded people.  I did pretty well and was asked by the store manager to switch to over night stock.  "Take one for the team," he said.  "Its the only way you are going to get the hours you want." he said.  (I momentarily thought,"but I want only like 15 hours a week?"  But what ever)  Then he said,"We need smart hard working people like you there."  I thought,"Really?  Stocking is synonymous with smart?" What ever...It was obvious he really wanted me in that shift so I said yes.
      So begins my adventure into the 3am to when ever the shift is done world of stocking.  It started off pretty good.  I was optimistic.  I perceived that many of my co-workers were ummm...how do I put this...NOT the optimistic kind of people.  To put it more to the point, a lot of gossiping, back stabbing, complaining, etc. people. "Its ok." I thought I can still do my job well with out their mindset effecting mine.  Silly me...
      I was doing fine until, for what ever reason, the gossiping and back stabbing started being directed towards me.  How did I know?  Well kind of hard to miss when you walk up behind someone and you hear it.  Now no one knew me well enough to formulate any real opinions concerning my life and who I am, so it was just basic I have nothing better to do then start some gossipy rumors about someone I don't know to make my life and job more interesting.  Drama and Karma may sound the same but they are not.
      We all encounter this sometimes.  More often then perhaps any of us want to deal with.  But here's the thing.  While I did meet a couple of people there who I still keep in contact with; like minded intelligent compassionate people who I hope I will know for a long time. I started feeling like its awful hard to get up at 3am work my ass off for 8.50 and hour 3 days a week, to be treated like crap.  I don't think there is any job description that says if you make under 12.00 an hour you will and must be treated like less of a human being by not only supervisors but coworkers.  I think actually it should be the opposite.  Treat the people who work with you and for you no matter what the pay scale with decency and respect because we are all after all fighting the good fight.
      So I started job hunting and happened to get a phone call from a thrift store.  I interviewed, got the job, and moved on.  Better pay, better hours, and best of all this particular thrift store supported a worthy non profit shelter for family's of abuse.  Lots of very hard work but I loved it.
      Days went by fast.  Customers were great.  Lots of perks at this job...except for one very important one.  The supervisor, and I use that word very lightly, was, and still is, bat shit crazy...seriously not kidding, no way to ice this one over.
      In a nut shell when I left I made it very clear to her, HR, and co-workers that I wanted a supervisor who treated people with respect.  Which she didn't. She didn't single me out, she was nasty, cold, hateful and angry to everyone.  We lost customers because of it.  I find out later she has had more people than anyone was willing to admit when I interviewed walk out on the job.
      So I'm out of a job again.  Feeling defeated I started doing some real soul searching.  What was wrong with me?  There must be something wrong with me that I cant seem to find some kind of decent part time job?  More than once people treated me like I was just some silly retired woman looking to fill the emptiness of her life while they were real hard working people.  I was made to feel guilty and why?
      Sure in the current society we work in there are many people who are still out of work.  But heres the thing.  I showed up and worked hard.  I treated everyone I came in contact with with respect.  I honestly don't give a shit how much money anyone has or need money is not the real issue here.  I care how someone treats themselves and others...that's it, simple.  Now, perhaps at this part the reader is thinking, "Well that's easy coming from someone who has money."  Stop there, hubby and I make very little money, when I share the amount with someone whom I trust they are always shocked.  We are careful with our money, and even though we don't have much we are always quick to share with those we care for.  Karma
      Then I started thinking.  What if it wasn't me?  What if this is just the way the world is?  Full of suffereing.  Some of our own making sure...but there none the less.  What if we are  in charge of our own suffering ultimately and can only help those who really want to be helped.  You know once again...Karma.
      When we think of suffering, and alleviating it, we asume it is by doing what is considered to be charitable acts, helping the poor, the needy, and injured, in what ever definition and perception that falls under.  But what if most of the suffering in the world is just in the day to day bullshit?  What if its the way we talk to each other?  What if its in the way we acknowledge what we do as individuals, as a team, and or for each other?  Who decided we were suppose to feel guilt, feel weak, feel less than anyone else for wanting the world and the people in it to treat each other with just a little kindness and compassion to alleviate someone, anyone's, suffering in the everyday bullshit we all go through? 
      I got angry...It suddenly became very clear to me that I have been making myself suffer by letting ANYONE make me feel less because I think, in fact BELEIVE, that treating people, and myself, with respect is something we should put at the top of our to do lists. 
How do I deal with this? 
      Simple. With confidence, love, respect, compassion.  How can anything that makes me and those around me feel good be wrong?  Unless its drugs...that's wrong, you know its the unhealthy addictive consumption thing.
      When did we start criticizing anyone for just wanting to do some hard work?  AND WHEN did we become a nation who thinks less of someone for aging but still wanting to do something with their life?  I looked closely at the people who momentarily made me think and feel something about my self that I didn't like.  Then I remembered that our greatest teachers will be our greatest challenges.  The challenge is how to interact with so many people in the world who find it much easier to be angry, disrespectful, narrow minded, etc. 
I looked at Facebook and noticed something.
      I started observing how we interact with each other generally.  I was standing in line at a popular convenience store and there was one cashier, alone, trying desperately and as calm as he could to stay on top of a job where it was pretty obvious to anyone who took the time to notice that he was in the store alone.  A couple of guys in back of me started complaining.  "Convenient stores and not so convenient anymore...should change their name...its just another symptom of how the world is going to shit..."  Seriously?  Your the reason the world is going to shit I wanted to say.  Instead when it was my turn at the counter I said to the cashier loud enough for the two grumbling guys in back of me to hear, "Your doing a great job."  The cashier smiled and said thank you.
      I know someone who does nothing, and I mean nothing, but worry, complain, and be angry about every aspect of their life.  Spouse is crap, family is crap, work is crap, no one understands, the world is shit...Now I could sit there and either A) Get on the band wagon with this person and reinforce the crap. B) Tell this person to shut the fuck up. I'm sick of listening to it. or C) Listen as best I can and share words and feeling of love, respect and compassion.
       Everyone knows of the recent tragedy in Orlando.  Lots of FB posts on it lately.  Lots of comments about it also.  What I want to know is this when one person makes a post on Facebook concerning something, anything, negative there will be at least four people who like it, usually many more than that.  But make a post about something positive and rarely do you get even one.  Why is that? 
      Then it occurred to me.  Its the safety in numbers thing.  Many would rather jump on the band wagon of hate, and anger then to be alone, the one, who is different.  The challenge is to be the one.  Always be the one.  That's it...simple. 
      No matter where we go, what we do, who we're faced with. Speak the truth as you know it with love, compassion, respect, and understanding.  Then back away from it.  You don't need to argue it, convince people that your way, your path, is the right one; who cares if anyone see's anything the way you do?  The world can be a good place. It is my Karma.  With that said every thing came into perspective for me. 
      Its ok if I haven't found the one job that I can call home yet.  Its ok if I choose NOT to want to work with people and in an environment where people feel the need to group together in anger and hate.  I can be the one as long as I can live with my self in the end.  May be if more of us were the one we would end up making a difference?  One is better than none...