“A very unwise man once said, “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” A very annoyed woman once said, “He who does not want to communicate will never enjoy their silence for very long.”
― Shannon L. Alder
― Shannon L. Alder
I love my friends, truly. Every single one of them whether they are acquaintances, or stand with in my inner circle bring something to my life that enriches it immensely. They make me think, and feel, about life in ways that I question I would if they were not part of my life and for this alone I value them. Recently I made a post on Facebook.
One of my friends called me on it. ;) She basically shared that she finds many things in life offensive but doesn't react offensively. I agreed with her. She is definitely an excellent example of someone who I write about often in my blogs. Some one who speaks her mind openly, honestly, with kindness, and compassion on many different issues that we as a society/culture need to change. This brief FB conversation got me to thinking however, so to this friend, and she knows who she is, I say thank you.
I will start my tale with a memory. A couple of years ago I had a person in my life. I will try to describe her and the situation as compassionately and respectfully as I can, I apologize if I fumble a little.
I saw the red flags of entering into a relationship with this person. She was, and still is unfortunately, slightly unstable. she is quick to react, highly emotional, full of anxiety, confusion, lost of goals, focus, and optimism. She is also one of those people who makes every situation about her. At a social gathering she is not that one beautiful person who enters a room and everyone wants to know because he/she radiates joy, peace, and beauty. She is that one person who enters a room surrounded by an aura of anxiety and despair.
My hubby often asks me why I seem to attract people like this. Its the helper in me, the fixer, the protector, the teacher. I am always pretty sure I can help everyone, which is absolutely not true, and is pretty selfish, arrogant and vain about me. I'm working on it. :/
This person, not me, the other one who is not in my life anymore, doesn't have many friends. When I see someone like this I think I can be their friend. Usually it ends up not being so. I allow myself to be "used" and end up feeling badly. My fault not theirs.
This person would stop over unannounced often. Ask for many favors, which I usually complied with. Had expectations of needing me to listen and fix her often and rarely returned the favors. This all came to a head eventually, not sharing the details to shorten the blog, and in my attempt to negotiate/compromise/mediate she said, "I find that offensive."
Honestly all I did was ask a simple question that I thought was appropriate concerning the circumstances we found ourselves in and needed some clarification. She immediately after announcing that she was offended went to the dark side. The friendship ended minutes later. She has done this twice in our relationship and honestly, but not with regret, I am done. She taught me some valuable things about myself.
The friends I have now share with me a mutual respect, politeness, compassion etc. We understand each other even when we don't agree with each other. Which is the major reason I keep the friend who calls me on things like being offended. (Who should not be confused with the person who said she was offended, they are two different people.) There have been a couple of times where I have called her on some things she has posted on Facebook also. Honestly I think we have a great respect for each other intellectually. She is also a few years younger then me and I love watching her progress forward in her life knowing and feeling that their is someone out their who thinks like I do and challenges the world to think differently.
Any who back to being offended. I did a little research on being offended. Here's what I found.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offended?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offensive?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offend?s=t
Simple definitions that simply put basically say that offend in all its plurals etc. are emotionally driven. Either by someone purposefully, or not; sharing something that one or all of us find morally and valuably unacceptable. HOWEVER some people are so good at sharing news that they will make what they share offensive to many people simply by reporting it.
https://www.rcfp.org/browse-media-law-resources/digital-journalists-legal-guide/what-types-conduct-are-considered-offen-0
When you search anything to do with being offended, offensive and/ or offend there is a whole slew of topics. They address everything from culture, religion, morals, and more. Which is perhaps one of the main reasons there are so many people out there feeling so offended about so many topics. What I want to specifically address here is how to not let ourselves become offended about everything we see.
First and fore most for me I personally think, and feel, that the idea of being offended goes against my spirituality. In Buddhism we constantly strive to be mindful in order to maintain peace. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. Monks and Nuns are able to achieve this with more ease, and grace, because they have made a choice to live in environments, and mindsets, that support, and encourage mindfulness. They are constantly surrounded by people, and objects, that remind them what is truly important in life. For us ordinary lay people it is not so easy.
We ordinary people are constantly challenged to bring our mind back to the moment. To not be diverted by offensive acts, thoughts, etc. and take notice of what we have right now. The sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard, for instance, while I enjoy the ability to express myself using respect, politeness, compassion etc. to anyone who chooses to read my simple blog. The sandalwood candle in my room filling my environment with a rich wonderful odor. My dog snoring in the back ground. The music I'm listening too. The cup of coffee I'm drinking. etc. etc.
In Buddhism it is all these things that hold pleasant sensation's that we are suppose to focus on. This gets tricky however, because we do not want to become so focused on the pleasant sensations that we become an unhealthy selfish. Addictions are not just anything unhealthy that we put into our bodies that could cause an unhealthy functioning of not only our engine, but our mind,(i.e. drugs, alcohol) they are also anything that we become so focused on that we need to have it no matter what. Sugar, soda, caffeine, cigarettes, sex, TV, computers, even our own peace.
Buddhism does not specifically say to not include, or exclude, certain things, it is not that specific, it is only specific in sharing to stay away from things that cause you, and others, harm, unhappiness, and unhealthiness, however it is defined for every individual. While it does imply that happiness is dependent upon others happiness, it does also support that being compassionate to others is not the same thing as making others happy. We make others happy by being mindful of our happiness first. Selfishness is not happiness. So is it selfish to become offended by something we see or read? I think this requires us to become very mindful.
This is my mind on this topic. The acquaintance who announced that she was offended and set about terminating our relationship simply because I shared my views/feelings honestly was using, what many could perceive as, offensive behavior. I saw, and still chose to see her behavior, as something that causes mostly her and her family, grief. I tried hard to be there for her, to support her, to be compassionate. Now I have made the choice to be compassionate towards myself and step back because there is honestly nothing I can do for her. I feel content in the fact that I did everything as best I could, with respect, intelligence, love, kindness etc., before letting her go. I did not want to change who she was, I just did not want her to hurt and be unhappy.
I addressed my Karma. I cannot help her with hers. Now to on lookers perhaps this whole idea appears self serving. But if you are mindful to the facts of Dharma and how everything works together, and mindful of the fact that sometimes in order to help someone you have to not help them it all makes perfect sense. Sometimes by addressing someone else's suffering we are inadvertently causing more suffering. If that is the case then its time to step back and become mindful. Here's another important aspect to this whole mindset. How does it feel?
The feeling should be something that encourages joy, contentment, and a positive sense of self, but not totally devoid of remorse. It empowers you to do the right thing not only for yourself but for whom ever is involved. It is a feeling void of offensive emotions.
We've all heard about tough love, but I have seen this concept misused and abused for selfish reasons. Used to make the person(s) life, who initiate the tough love, easier for them. Tough love is hard on everyone if love is actually what is the motivating factor. Tough love should not be an offensive act in any way.
When I feel myself being offended I ask myself why am I offended? Feeling offended is exactly that, a feeling, feelings are there to teach us something, to bring our awareness to something or someone. So what exactly am I to become more aware of? More mindful of?
Most of what I see and hear on TV, radio, puters etc. could, and sometime does, offend me. I am not oblivious to the atrocity's that happen in the world whether they are in my neighborhood, city, state, country, or else where in the world.
While I question the competent ability's of some of the reporting of these offenses, I also firmly believe that the universe wants us to have this information for a reason. If we know what is happening any where in the world I believe we are part of that village and are meant to know and do something about it. HOWEVER, how much can we do as individuals? Becoming offended simply is not enough and in fact might do more harm than good.
Take the recent news events concerning law enforcement and people of color. Has this reporting done more harm or good? We tell ourselves that by reporting bad news constantly that we are being informed and, informing society of a problem that needs to change and be improved upon. BUT in human development it is a fact that as humans we respond to praise better then anger and/or fear. So why then do we need to focus on fear and anger? I've said it before and will continue to say it again. Because it is easy.
We are led to believe that the path of lesser resistance is the correct path but this is not true. We only learn when something feels hard. It is our brain, a muscle, getting a work out. I go to the gym, I work my abs come home in pain for two days, do I stop working my abs? No. I know from the pain that what I am doing is working, eventually the pain goes away, it stops feeling so hard, and what I have left are stronger core muscles. A stronger core helps me be more balanced.
Making an effort to be mindful and to not be offended by so much of what we are presented with helps us to be stronger and more balanced. When we are balanced we are able to respond instead of react.
I firmly believe that there is a minority of people out there who know exactly what to say and do to divert all of us from acting as one single united front. YES I know that this sounds a little crazy, but I am not sharing that I think its everyone in the government, or law enforcement, or all spiritual leaders, all teachers, leaders, etc. I believe that the majority of human beings in the world act and live with good intentions and mindfulness. I think that there are a minority of influential people out there who know exactly how to use the system we have all created to get what they think they need to live a better life. They are not at all mindful of the fact that how they choose to get what they think they need negatively effects many around them. An unhealthy selfish. Example? It was one person, a Rockefeller who was responsible for the great depression because he wanted what he wanted at any cost.
http://www.history.com/shows/men-who-built-america/videos
The question here to us simple people is how do we stop them? Well its simple really. Don't become offended. We all think that by becoming offended we are acting passionately about something we care very deeply about. But anyone who watches the news, etc. will say that less attention is given to those people who are speaking, yelling, screaming, sobbing, about what offends them and how everyone should, must, be offended also in order for change to take place, and this simply is not true. What we most admire are the people, who have endured tragedy, challenges, etc. and are able to show us, teach us, strength, wisdom, and compassion.
http://heroicstories.org/
http://www.howtobecomeahero.com/labels/buddhism.htm
One of the first examples I think of, but not the only one, is the Dali Lama himself. Exiled from Tibet when he was young, technically a man with out a home, has traveled the world his whole life teaching everyone whom he comes in contact with love and compassion, but first of all human frailty. If you listen to him teach he never apologizes for being human. IN fact he is quite open about the fact that sometime even he feels anger towards China. But it is the anger that offends him and encourages him to feel compassion towards a country that took his home away from him. In my book an outstanding role model. One whom I think of when I become offended.
http://www.dalailama.com/biography/from-birth-to-exile
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-30510018
He teaches that in life we will be confronted with many offenses that we can do absolutely nothing about. BUT if enough of us feel compassion towards the person(s) committing the offense may be, just may be, a positive change can and will take place. In our history it is the compassion in the end that ultimately changes the world, not the atrocity's. It is saying yes these terrible things took place but I choose to forgive. Change truly does start from with in. If so many choose anger that is exactly what we will experience. If many choose compassion and forgiveness this is what we will experience.
My husband often debates this with me. Implying that there is no justice in compassion, but there is. If you choose not to let others offensive behavior touch you then they have no control. The offensive behavior will stop. This should also not be confused with something like a person shooting up a movie theatre and not receiving justice. I do not how ever advocate or support raging around and speaking to everyone who will, and some who will not, listen how the world is going to shit and no one should go to the movies anymore. Or how all cops are white supremacists. All politicians are liars. All Christians are self serving hypocrites. The whole education system is shit. All Muslims are terrorists... you get the idea. Generalities serve no purpose other then to separate us.
The Pith of the Matter is this. Should we be offended? My thought is yes. It is human nature and makes us think. But do we allow ourselves to become so offended that we are no longer able to be mindful? My thought is no. Fear, anger, hurt, impatience, are all the anti emotions and more often then not encourage reactions that do more harm then good. They keep us from responding appropriately. They are the red flag emotions that tell us to stop, look, listen, think, be mindful.
I personally choose not to not give control up to whom ever believes that the way to make us act is by reporting offenses that encourage and support offensive reactions. And that is the difference. React vs. Act. Does the offense instill an emotion of action or reaction? One is moral, full of values, one is not. One is compassionate, kind, and wise. One is not. Do not be fooled into thinking that the anger you feel towards the offense you are reading is not the exact reaction the writer hoped to instill in you. The challenge is to feel the offense with out the anger and fear. Then you will be able to act on it.
I was a Social Worker for many years and saw all kinds of injustices, to all kinds of people. Most to children. I still feel offended. But doesn't being offended imply that it was done to you personally? And isn't that being selfish? If we choose to believe that most people out there are just doing the best they can with what they are given then the feeling of being offended turns to compassion. The challenge is to put your personal feelings aside. Its about thinking about others, about someone else that makes the difference.
If I was offended by the way someone choose to live I could never have done my job. But choosing to be compassionate I could. I could go into someone's house knowing abuse and addictions were present and still chose to listen, and teach and help people think and believe that they, and their family, deserved a better life. Am I perfect at this? No. I constantly struggle to be mindful. But it is this lesson I learned that brings me back to being unselfish.
Sometimes I need to detach from an offense because I know there is nothing I can do about it and trust that there are people out there that think as I do and are taking action for me and others like me. If we all choose to be offended to the point where more injustice takes place then how does knowing about the offense really change anything? If you feel like being offended is the only thing you can do then perhaps you should find something else you can do? We all have a role, a place in this universe, simply being offended is not fulfilling your role.
As a simple blogger I could say that when I make someone angry with something I've written I have succeeded in getting my message across and making them think; perhaps forcing them into action. But that is not my hope. My hope is not to offend people, but to make them think, and feel love, kindness and compassion towards life in general. Perhaps that is why my writing will never be popular news, but that does not offend me.
Namaste Peace out.
“The only real conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder
― Shannon L. Alder
tags: anger, awareness, boundaries, choices, confidence, conflict, dignity, fights, hatred, letting-it-go, mad, moving-on, offended, reflection, self-esteem, self-love, self-realization, self-reflection, staying-positive, stayingpositiveu-com
“We cannot choose who offends us, but we can choose how to respond when we are offended.”
― Moffat Machingura, How I Kissed Heartbreak Goodbye
― Moffat Machingura, How I Kissed Heartbreak Goodbye
