A quiet mind.
A peacefull soul.
A contented partner.
An equal friend.
A loving family.
An intellectual conversation.
A thought provoking read.
A soothing sound.
A healthy meal.
A nutriant life.
A meditative silence.
A quiet mind.
A peaceful soul.
A happy life.
The dragon thunders in the sky with the sound of compassion that awakens us from delusion and increases what we can know through hearing. Dragons have the power of complete communication. Just as we do not see sound, we do not see dragons-at least not usually. Displaying a dragon banner is said to protect one from slander and enhances one's reputation. Associations: main quality is power, dominance over the sea, and water element.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Story of the Arm Chair Psycho
Been awhile since 'Ive written. for a couple of reasons, one, broken puter and two, havn't had alot worth writing about, until now. I write when there seems to be a recurring theme popping up in my life. That theme right now is mental health. Let me explain in more detail. With advances in the social sciences society has become increasingly more aware of the workings of the human mind...or have they?
News broadcasts give us breif little blurbs on the supposed findings regarding the outcome(s) of study's/polls done over a period of time regarding one thing or another. Popular magazines and newspaper articles do the same. Here is the catch though. The information highway that the majority of the "norm" belongs to does NOT actually provide us with all the necessary information to make an informed decision/opinion. It is the job of these popular news outlets (and I use news very loosly) to give as little information to as many people as possible in as short a time as possible. Yes they to have an agenda...more listeners, more money. The sad part of all this inaccurate information is we have developed, supported and even encouraged practically a whole culture of arm chair psychologists.
What is an arm chari pyschologist? Im glad you asked. This is from the "Urban Dictionary"
You would think that the worst culprits of arm chair psychology would be by persons with no education. But I have found that the majority of persons who like to dapple in this field of study are actually persons with degree's. In my observations it appears that having even a degree in a study that has nothing even remotely to do with the social sciences seems to give an arm chair psychologist permission to analyze another. Armed with a 10 second blurb from the news, or a brief article written in Womans Day these arm chair psycho's proceed to start diagnosing. They go out into the world and start telling everyone, and I mean everyone, what kind of mental instability they think they have based on a Masters in Accounting and an article they read in Parents.
Once again I state with spittle shooting all over the monitor BLEH!!! With all that said I am going to share some FACTS in hopes of arming some of the arm chair psycho's with information to keep them from causing more mental instability the world.
First lets look at HIPPA. Basically HIPPA is the law that was put into effect to protect EVERYONE from others sharing personal health information. Mostly we see this in any kind of medical feild. BUT its also used in Social Work, Schools, work places etc. Any where that there is the possibility that you have to share your personal information with some one. This person you share it with is obligated UNDER the law to not repeat it to just anyone. If it becomes necessary for them to do so for any reason you have to give written permission. The following website gives the exact details of HIPPA.
http://whatishipaa.org/
Here's an interesting moral question attached to that idea how ever. When you are in a relationship, whether it be friendship, sister, brother, husband , wife, etc. how does HIPPA apply to you? The only relationship that specifically signs a "contract," so to speak, is husband and wife. That contract basically says to love and honor through sickness and health. Hmmm...kinda like HIPPA. What about family and friends though? My thoughts are this on that subject. When we choose to enter a relationship with anyone we are saying that I will honor, respect and even love you, but their are conditions. In my book the only unconditional relationship I have is with my children. They are perfect... :P (no pressure their for them Im sure...) They will always be my children no matter what.
Be petient...I will clarify all of this. When I became a mom I did not put conditions on myself, or my sons, for loving them or them loving me. That is not true with other adult relationships however, my husband and I have been together for over 30 years and let me tell you in order to make that relationship work there has been conditions. The marital contract basically states that you will do what is necessary (with in realistic reason) to sustain a supportive loving relationship. So, for example, I learned to stop being a three headed creature when he did something stupid and we both learned to communicate in a more respectful, loving manner. In 30 years of marriage we have never stopped loving each other, but their are days where we most certainly don't like each other, sometimes even come close to hate; but it is that contract that keeps us respecting each other. The unconditional love that I have for my sons is a form of a contract also. The pledge of being a parent holds me to the fact that I will love them always; may not like some of the choices they make, but I will always love them. But what if the relationship is a friendship or a sibling?
In the career I have choosen I believe their is one aspect that will vicitmize and enable an individual or family faster then any other. It is not poverty, people can find a way to make money or live with in their means. It is not drugs, or inadequate schooling, lack of transportaion, or homelesness. Behind all of those is no support, it is being, or feeling alone. And there is no faster way to make some one feel alone then for an arm chair psycho to dispense their inadequate and unsupported knowledge. (or lack of knowledge.) (This is the part where I say) WTF? The Pith of the Matter here is; just because you (the arm chair psycho) doesnt understand the life, the choices, or the person doesnt mean that there is something mentally and/or emtotionally wrong with the person you CHOOSE (by the way) to not understand.
Here is a deffinition I want you to all take note of. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/norm In this deffinition there are certain words that repeat themselves,
standard, rule, model, pattern, mean, type, measure, average, par, criterion, benchmark, yardstick
...interesting. I have the following opinion concerning the norm. The norm was developed by social scientists to measure behavior, which is hard to do by the way. The "norm" will define basic social behaviors, rules, etc. that the majority of society subscribe to. It has some merit; it was designed to measure behavior and it does help society work together as a team; but here's the thing. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THAT BEHAVIOR IS RIGHT!!!! (geesh) The KKK hs a standard (norm) of behavior but I think we can all agree that they have some issues, and not good one.
So follow me here. Imagine the following scenario. An adolescent child, male or female doesnt matter which, attends a public school in a low income area. Because of the socioeconomic status of this particular environment this particular child, whose strengths by the way tend towards imangination and creativity, does not have access to the arts in school. There is however a great sports program. Because this child is unable to develop his/her talents and recieve praise for them he/she decides to express creativity through lifestyle choices; dressing in Goth or Emo attire for instance. Because the public school leans heavily towards a different kind of culture and "strength" (a sports program that makes money) the children who excell at sports (some of them but not all) ridicule and bully what they don't understand (the arts). And why shouldn't they?
They public school they are attending doesn't make a great effort to teach tollerance in this area because they are unable to supply the tools that would encourage tollerance in this area. (thankyou tax payers, yes you parent). It is human nature to not understand what we are unfamiliar with... it is called culture shock. Now take this scenario with the adolescent child, who is all alone, just incase you havn't already thought of that, and put an arm chair pyscho in it and what do you think happens to that kid? If he/she makes it through high school with out dropping or, committing suicide, or taking a shot gun to their classmates then one of two things happens. They either become stronger, extremely successful members of society (The great and powerful Woz or Bill Gates) or they become part of that miniority who will never recognize their potential because their potential was never recognized when they needed it most. They go through a large portion of their life hearing the taunts and voices of the arm chair pyscho's.
Where are their family you ask? Good question. Well some of their siblings excell in sports and cheerleading so they are embarrassed by their siblings supposed lack of social graces. And most parents aren't equipped to know how to deal with this child, emotionally and intellectually. Too bad when you think of it...how many great artist's have we let fall through the net because they were not identified? Its so much easier to ignore, ridicule, bully and use pop psychology then to really look and listen.
NOw let me give you more to think about. Did you know their are very few people actually walking around with actual diagnosis from a medical professional? I mean a medical professional who is actully qualified to make a diagnosis in the field of behavior science/ behavior medicine. AND with the pharmacuetical companys out there now influencing every aspect of our lives so they can line their pockets with an ungodly sum of money it has become more profitable for many of those professionals to make a buck instead of makeing a clear headed successful, self confident, individual. The following is a website that explains how a diagnosis is made, http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Is-Diagnosis&id=95204
Here is what I also know, from experience, about diagnosis. Diagnosing takes time and someone who knows what they are doing. When it comes to diagnosing a mental or emotional disorder this is especially difficult. Take for instance a child who is exhibitting the following; anger, bullying, can't sit still, incomplete homework assignments, few if any friends. Hmmm...could be ADHD, it is one of the most commonly diagnosed behavior/learning disability's today. But it could also be abuse and or neglect. Or it could be he is coming from a single parent household where the family is struggling with no support or help from anyone. With out a long term observation of the child under many different circumstances there is no way to really know. I remember having a class years ago where we were given two lists with very similar behaviors on them. One list was what professionals use to diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder, the other were symptoms of abuse/ neglect. With out a lengthy observation from an ubiased professional a misdiagnosis in this area could be devestateing. More often then not though neither of these diagnosis's would happen. What society usually does is give the child a pill to calm him down so OTHERS can deal with him. Sad what we have become....a culture where we choose not to help an individual deal effectively with their emotions.
In the end this is what I think and always rant about. Know what you are talking about! Not knowing how a word is defined goes beyond not understanding the definition of Malapoopism. (look it up on Urban Dictionary). When we choose not to communicate respectfully we are ultimately sending a message that we don't really care what we say to whom or why. Worse yet we do not respect ourselves. We argue our point with little to no information to back it up, sometimes doing much harm to people we love all in effort to win and make our lives easier. I am not assuming that the sister who arm chair pyscho's another sister means to hurt her...but it does.
Our friends, siblings, and spouses are given the ultimate trust. We entrust them to take our personal secrets and understand. If we are depressed, angry, anxious, frustrated, excited, exstatic, (all those very intense emotions that our loved ones sometimes find it hard to deal with), we expect our trusted loved ones to take those emotions and understand where the intensity comes from. In my final sentance let me make it clear to the psycho...the intensitiy of an emotion does not, the majority of the time, come from a mental or emotional instabillity...mabey someone is genuinly, and rightfully so, pissed off at you...buck up, put on your big person pants and be accountable.
News broadcasts give us breif little blurbs on the supposed findings regarding the outcome(s) of study's/polls done over a period of time regarding one thing or another. Popular magazines and newspaper articles do the same. Here is the catch though. The information highway that the majority of the "norm" belongs to does NOT actually provide us with all the necessary information to make an informed decision/opinion. It is the job of these popular news outlets (and I use news very loosly) to give as little information to as many people as possible in as short a time as possible. Yes they to have an agenda...more listeners, more money. The sad part of all this inaccurate information is we have developed, supported and even encouraged practically a whole culture of arm chair psychologists.
What is an arm chari pyschologist? Im glad you asked. This is from the "Urban Dictionary"
| 1. | armchair psychologist | |
A person who gives advice for mental disorders, emotional disorders, or any other mental illness and has no known background knowledge of psychology. More than just advice with no clinical know how. | ||
Once again I state with spittle shooting all over the monitor BLEH!!! With all that said I am going to share some FACTS in hopes of arming some of the arm chair psycho's with information to keep them from causing more mental instability the world.
First lets look at HIPPA. Basically HIPPA is the law that was put into effect to protect EVERYONE from others sharing personal health information. Mostly we see this in any kind of medical feild. BUT its also used in Social Work, Schools, work places etc. Any where that there is the possibility that you have to share your personal information with some one. This person you share it with is obligated UNDER the law to not repeat it to just anyone. If it becomes necessary for them to do so for any reason you have to give written permission. The following website gives the exact details of HIPPA.
http://whatishipaa.org/
Here's an interesting moral question attached to that idea how ever. When you are in a relationship, whether it be friendship, sister, brother, husband , wife, etc. how does HIPPA apply to you? The only relationship that specifically signs a "contract," so to speak, is husband and wife. That contract basically says to love and honor through sickness and health. Hmmm...kinda like HIPPA. What about family and friends though? My thoughts are this on that subject. When we choose to enter a relationship with anyone we are saying that I will honor, respect and even love you, but their are conditions. In my book the only unconditional relationship I have is with my children. They are perfect... :P (no pressure their for them Im sure...) They will always be my children no matter what.
Be petient...I will clarify all of this. When I became a mom I did not put conditions on myself, or my sons, for loving them or them loving me. That is not true with other adult relationships however, my husband and I have been together for over 30 years and let me tell you in order to make that relationship work there has been conditions. The marital contract basically states that you will do what is necessary (with in realistic reason) to sustain a supportive loving relationship. So, for example, I learned to stop being a three headed creature when he did something stupid and we both learned to communicate in a more respectful, loving manner. In 30 years of marriage we have never stopped loving each other, but their are days where we most certainly don't like each other, sometimes even come close to hate; but it is that contract that keeps us respecting each other. The unconditional love that I have for my sons is a form of a contract also. The pledge of being a parent holds me to the fact that I will love them always; may not like some of the choices they make, but I will always love them. But what if the relationship is a friendship or a sibling?
In the career I have choosen I believe their is one aspect that will vicitmize and enable an individual or family faster then any other. It is not poverty, people can find a way to make money or live with in their means. It is not drugs, or inadequate schooling, lack of transportaion, or homelesness. Behind all of those is no support, it is being, or feeling alone. And there is no faster way to make some one feel alone then for an arm chair psycho to dispense their inadequate and unsupported knowledge. (or lack of knowledge.) (This is the part where I say) WTF? The Pith of the Matter here is; just because you (the arm chair psycho) doesnt understand the life, the choices, or the person doesnt mean that there is something mentally and/or emtotionally wrong with the person you CHOOSE (by the way) to not understand.
Here is a deffinition I want you to all take note of. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/norm In this deffinition there are certain words that repeat themselves,
standard, rule, model, pattern, mean, type, measure, average, par, criterion, benchmark, yardstick
...interesting. I have the following opinion concerning the norm. The norm was developed by social scientists to measure behavior, which is hard to do by the way. The "norm" will define basic social behaviors, rules, etc. that the majority of society subscribe to. It has some merit; it was designed to measure behavior and it does help society work together as a team; but here's the thing. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THAT BEHAVIOR IS RIGHT!!!! (geesh) The KKK hs a standard (norm) of behavior but I think we can all agree that they have some issues, and not good one.
So follow me here. Imagine the following scenario. An adolescent child, male or female doesnt matter which, attends a public school in a low income area. Because of the socioeconomic status of this particular environment this particular child, whose strengths by the way tend towards imangination and creativity, does not have access to the arts in school. There is however a great sports program. Because this child is unable to develop his/her talents and recieve praise for them he/she decides to express creativity through lifestyle choices; dressing in Goth or Emo attire for instance. Because the public school leans heavily towards a different kind of culture and "strength" (a sports program that makes money) the children who excell at sports (some of them but not all) ridicule and bully what they don't understand (the arts). And why shouldn't they?
They public school they are attending doesn't make a great effort to teach tollerance in this area because they are unable to supply the tools that would encourage tollerance in this area. (thankyou tax payers, yes you parent). It is human nature to not understand what we are unfamiliar with... it is called culture shock. Now take this scenario with the adolescent child, who is all alone, just incase you havn't already thought of that, and put an arm chair pyscho in it and what do you think happens to that kid? If he/she makes it through high school with out dropping or, committing suicide, or taking a shot gun to their classmates then one of two things happens. They either become stronger, extremely successful members of society (The great and powerful Woz or Bill Gates) or they become part of that miniority who will never recognize their potential because their potential was never recognized when they needed it most. They go through a large portion of their life hearing the taunts and voices of the arm chair pyscho's.
Where are their family you ask? Good question. Well some of their siblings excell in sports and cheerleading so they are embarrassed by their siblings supposed lack of social graces. And most parents aren't equipped to know how to deal with this child, emotionally and intellectually. Too bad when you think of it...how many great artist's have we let fall through the net because they were not identified? Its so much easier to ignore, ridicule, bully and use pop psychology then to really look and listen.
NOw let me give you more to think about. Did you know their are very few people actually walking around with actual diagnosis from a medical professional? I mean a medical professional who is actully qualified to make a diagnosis in the field of behavior science/ behavior medicine. AND with the pharmacuetical companys out there now influencing every aspect of our lives so they can line their pockets with an ungodly sum of money it has become more profitable for many of those professionals to make a buck instead of makeing a clear headed successful, self confident, individual. The following is a website that explains how a diagnosis is made, http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Is-Diagnosis&id=95204
Here is what I also know, from experience, about diagnosis. Diagnosing takes time and someone who knows what they are doing. When it comes to diagnosing a mental or emotional disorder this is especially difficult. Take for instance a child who is exhibitting the following; anger, bullying, can't sit still, incomplete homework assignments, few if any friends. Hmmm...could be ADHD, it is one of the most commonly diagnosed behavior/learning disability's today. But it could also be abuse and or neglect. Or it could be he is coming from a single parent household where the family is struggling with no support or help from anyone. With out a long term observation of the child under many different circumstances there is no way to really know. I remember having a class years ago where we were given two lists with very similar behaviors on them. One list was what professionals use to diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder, the other were symptoms of abuse/ neglect. With out a lengthy observation from an ubiased professional a misdiagnosis in this area could be devestateing. More often then not though neither of these diagnosis's would happen. What society usually does is give the child a pill to calm him down so OTHERS can deal with him. Sad what we have become....a culture where we choose not to help an individual deal effectively with their emotions.
In the end this is what I think and always rant about. Know what you are talking about! Not knowing how a word is defined goes beyond not understanding the definition of Malapoopism. (look it up on Urban Dictionary). When we choose not to communicate respectfully we are ultimately sending a message that we don't really care what we say to whom or why. Worse yet we do not respect ourselves. We argue our point with little to no information to back it up, sometimes doing much harm to people we love all in effort to win and make our lives easier. I am not assuming that the sister who arm chair pyscho's another sister means to hurt her...but it does.
Our friends, siblings, and spouses are given the ultimate trust. We entrust them to take our personal secrets and understand. If we are depressed, angry, anxious, frustrated, excited, exstatic, (all those very intense emotions that our loved ones sometimes find it hard to deal with), we expect our trusted loved ones to take those emotions and understand where the intensity comes from. In my final sentance let me make it clear to the psycho...the intensitiy of an emotion does not, the majority of the time, come from a mental or emotional instabillity...mabey someone is genuinly, and rightfully so, pissed off at you...buck up, put on your big person pants and be accountable.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Holiday Traditions
I love the holiday season even though I am not Christian. My husband is however, he is Catholic; but that is not the only reason we observe Christmas. In our house we have formed another tradition; the holiday season is a great time to gather friends and family together and eat drink and be merry. Every Christmas eve we open our house wide to everyone and anyone; it is one of the only times during the year that I will drink with out reservation. This too has become a tradition. I found out this year that many of my sons friends come by to observe me being a little tipsy (even drunk some years). They then try to engage me in intellectual conversations thinking. foolishly that they might come out ahead of the game. (that's a challenge to them for next year :P) Sometimes they actually do, not really to my surprise. They are all intelligent out spoken individuals. Anyways...the conversations have become part of our Holiday tradition at the (as my eldest son puts it) Bungart elder house and it gives me thought for writing.
Its interesting to me how conversations wind, bend and turn. What starts out as one topic usually ends up at another; but they are always linked to each other. This year we started discussing how everyone lies. I agree'd; I have posted many blogs on this topic. Truth and honesty are subjective and a matter of perspective. I personally find it hard to pass judgement in this area. One's persons lie is another persons truth. The conversation of lies wound to manipulation, which then bent to feeling unfulfilled, which turned to protesting. Confused? Don't be I am about to clear it up for you.
I am not going to give my opinion on truth and honesty, been there done that go read my other blogs. Lets jump right into manipulation. Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or skillful, or artful management; to negotiate, control, or influence something, or someone, cleverly, skillfully, or deviously. This is subjective and a matter of perspective again I think. If you are the manipulator the manipulation is probably perceived as clever, skillful, artful, and for a good purpose. If you are the manipulatee then perhaps it is not viewed this way.
Manipulation is used daily. We use it with our children, significant others, friends, coworkers, salespeople, the person we rear ended, the list goes on and on. The point is I think it is one of those words that, once again, has gotten a bad rap. People don't like to feel that they have been managed (or controlled) by something, or someone, other than themselves. Everyone likes to feel that every decision, and choice, we make is made with out any outside influence what so ever; but I am here to tell you that that is not the case. If you are familiar with the concept of empathy then you will not only shape, form, manage, mold or manipulate others you will have the same done to you.
Empathy denotes a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or problems while sympathy is more general and can apply to small annoyances or setbacks. Sympathy means the stimulation in a person of feelings that are similar in kind to those that affect another person; empathy means a mental or effective projection into the feelings of state of mind of another person. It is crucial in effective manipulation when their is a possible crises at hand that needs to be addressed and the manipulator suspects there will be opposition.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201109/the-art-influence
This is an article in Psychology Today on The Art of Influence by Carlin Flora and address's the art of manipulation and empathy.
I am going to jump forward in the conversation to the protesting part. Protest is an expression or declaration of objection, disapproval, or dissent, often in opposition to something a person is powerless to prevent or avoid; self explanatory I think, no examples needed. Protesting comes under the right to free speech and the right to assemble. Freedom of speech includes some of the following; not to speak, to use objectionable language and to engage in symbolic speech. Freedom of Assembly gives American citizens the right to express their ideas and their unity behind these ideas peacefully. There are all kinds of little loop holes associated with these so before you decide to go out and protest make sure you have done your homework
I did some research, after our holiday conversation, and Daytona Beach is actually occupied! :) You can stay on top of the protesting at; Occupy Daytona Beach on Facebook.. http://www.facebook.com/groups/136400829796778/ There are a couple of other ones also when you search.
Here's the Pith of the Matter which leads me to feeling fulfilled and will bring it altogether. I cannot speak for others on this topic, I can only speak for myself in hopes that it will shed a little light. I have stated and even ranted on many occasions that we, as a society, fail when we think and act selfishly. Humans are not wired to be selfish. Yes sometimes for our own health and well being we need to perform a selfish act. But when the selfish act turns into a lifestyle then their is a problem. Human beings are wired to be empathetic social beings. Even those of us who prefer solitude to gatherings still get out and socialize. Study's have been done on what happens to humans who do not have social interaction. (This memory of hundreds of Romanian children in orphanage's, cribs crammed up against each other, sometimes two to three baby's in a crib, many of them self consoling themselves by rocking back and forth because there were not enough caregivers to give them love, is for ever burned on my brain.)
As adults we have the ability to recognize that when we start to view the world, even our small portion of it, as full of uncaring, hypocritical, thoughtless, lyers it is time to do something. When we have have become so angry and frustrated over the state of the world that we have become part of the problem and all we can do is complain then it is time to reconsider our level of empathy and apply it to something fulfilling. I cannot tell anyone what they need to do or what they should do to feel fulfilled. What I have chosen to do speaks only of and for me as an individual. What I do know for certain is that making a choice to do something that you feel is morally responsible helps you feel fulfilled.
The definition of fulfilled is to carry out or bring to realization as a prophecy, or promise, to perform or do, to satisfy, to bring to an end, finish or complete, to develop the full potential of. Does this mean that we all need to go sit and protest in occupied Daytona? No. But if it is something that will help you feel that you have done your part to remind others of a promise made and will help you to feel complete and realize your potential to do something more than YES you should. We all have different promises and prophecy's to perform in order to feel fulfilled. The point is to find out what yours is and go do it to the best of your ability.
I leave you with two quotes.
"Success, happiness, peace of mind, and fulfillment-the most priceless of human treasures-are available to all among us, without exception, who make things happen, who make "good" things happen- in the world around them."
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have."
Its interesting to me how conversations wind, bend and turn. What starts out as one topic usually ends up at another; but they are always linked to each other. This year we started discussing how everyone lies. I agree'd; I have posted many blogs on this topic. Truth and honesty are subjective and a matter of perspective. I personally find it hard to pass judgement in this area. One's persons lie is another persons truth. The conversation of lies wound to manipulation, which then bent to feeling unfulfilled, which turned to protesting. Confused? Don't be I am about to clear it up for you.
I am not going to give my opinion on truth and honesty, been there done that go read my other blogs. Lets jump right into manipulation. Manipulation is defined as the act of manipulating or skillful, or artful management; to negotiate, control, or influence something, or someone, cleverly, skillfully, or deviously. This is subjective and a matter of perspective again I think. If you are the manipulator the manipulation is probably perceived as clever, skillful, artful, and for a good purpose. If you are the manipulatee then perhaps it is not viewed this way.
Manipulation is used daily. We use it with our children, significant others, friends, coworkers, salespeople, the person we rear ended, the list goes on and on. The point is I think it is one of those words that, once again, has gotten a bad rap. People don't like to feel that they have been managed (or controlled) by something, or someone, other than themselves. Everyone likes to feel that every decision, and choice, we make is made with out any outside influence what so ever; but I am here to tell you that that is not the case. If you are familiar with the concept of empathy then you will not only shape, form, manage, mold or manipulate others you will have the same done to you.
Empathy denotes a deep emotional understanding of another's feelings or problems while sympathy is more general and can apply to small annoyances or setbacks. Sympathy means the stimulation in a person of feelings that are similar in kind to those that affect another person; empathy means a mental or effective projection into the feelings of state of mind of another person. It is crucial in effective manipulation when their is a possible crises at hand that needs to be addressed and the manipulator suspects there will be opposition.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201109/the-art-influence
This is an article in Psychology Today on The Art of Influence by Carlin Flora and address's the art of manipulation and empathy.
I am going to jump forward in the conversation to the protesting part. Protest is an expression or declaration of objection, disapproval, or dissent, often in opposition to something a person is powerless to prevent or avoid; self explanatory I think, no examples needed. Protesting comes under the right to free speech and the right to assemble. Freedom of speech includes some of the following; not to speak, to use objectionable language and to engage in symbolic speech. Freedom of Assembly gives American citizens the right to express their ideas and their unity behind these ideas peacefully. There are all kinds of little loop holes associated with these so before you decide to go out and protest make sure you have done your homework
I did some research, after our holiday conversation, and Daytona Beach is actually occupied! :) You can stay on top of the protesting at; Occupy Daytona Beach on Facebook.. http://www.facebook.com/groups/136400829796778/ There are a couple of other ones also when you search.
Here's the Pith of the Matter which leads me to feeling fulfilled and will bring it altogether. I cannot speak for others on this topic, I can only speak for myself in hopes that it will shed a little light. I have stated and even ranted on many occasions that we, as a society, fail when we think and act selfishly. Humans are not wired to be selfish. Yes sometimes for our own health and well being we need to perform a selfish act. But when the selfish act turns into a lifestyle then their is a problem. Human beings are wired to be empathetic social beings. Even those of us who prefer solitude to gatherings still get out and socialize. Study's have been done on what happens to humans who do not have social interaction. (This memory of hundreds of Romanian children in orphanage's, cribs crammed up against each other, sometimes two to three baby's in a crib, many of them self consoling themselves by rocking back and forth because there were not enough caregivers to give them love, is for ever burned on my brain.)
As adults we have the ability to recognize that when we start to view the world, even our small portion of it, as full of uncaring, hypocritical, thoughtless, lyers it is time to do something. When we have have become so angry and frustrated over the state of the world that we have become part of the problem and all we can do is complain then it is time to reconsider our level of empathy and apply it to something fulfilling. I cannot tell anyone what they need to do or what they should do to feel fulfilled. What I have chosen to do speaks only of and for me as an individual. What I do know for certain is that making a choice to do something that you feel is morally responsible helps you feel fulfilled.
The definition of fulfilled is to carry out or bring to realization as a prophecy, or promise, to perform or do, to satisfy, to bring to an end, finish or complete, to develop the full potential of. Does this mean that we all need to go sit and protest in occupied Daytona? No. But if it is something that will help you feel that you have done your part to remind others of a promise made and will help you to feel complete and realize your potential to do something more than YES you should. We all have different promises and prophecy's to perform in order to feel fulfilled. The point is to find out what yours is and go do it to the best of your ability.
I leave you with two quotes.
"Success, happiness, peace of mind, and fulfillment-the most priceless of human treasures-are available to all among us, without exception, who make things happen, who make "good" things happen- in the world around them."
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have."
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
State of Woe
...Some are ashamed of what is not shameful,
And shameless about what is shameful.
Following such false views, They go to a sorrowful state.
Some are fearful where there is nothing to fear
And are fearless where there is much to fear
Holding such false views
They go to a sorrowful state
Some see what is right as wrong
And what is wrong as right
Holding such false views
They go to a sorrowful state
Those who see wrong as wrong
And right as right
Hold right views
And for to a joyful state.
-State of Woe, The Dhammapada
I believe that there are certain times during the year that life starts to feel harder. Not quite sure why this happens, could be for a variety of reasons. Stress at home, stress at work, stress at school, holidays coming up, lack of sleep, poor diet, too much caffeine, too little caffeine, the person who cut you off in traffic then gave you the finger, the brakes going out on the car, a total stranger bitching at you for just doing your job....the list is endless. I also believe that, for what ever reason these things are never timed perfectly and they will all happen at the same time. Why does his happen? Well I've been researching this and this is what I've come up with.
One- Its LIFE...simple but true. If you choose to engage yourself in life you will end up dealing with life. The more you engage in life the more life experiences you will have. The less you choose to engage life, the less life experiences you will have. Experience gives us wisdom, the more wisdom you have concerning life the easier life feels. This explains why some one so young can have wisdom beyond their years and why someone so old doesn't have a clue. Life experiences. (This also supports being involved-see "What If" blog.)
Two- I think most things in life are suppose to feel hard. If it feels hard you know you are LEARNING The trick is what are you suppose to be learning? Is it hard because it is suppose to be something you should not be dealing with; that is not your strength, or that would be better left to someone else? OR is it hard just because it is an experience you haven't had before? First day of a job or school is a perfect example of this. I personally don't think anyone should ever stop doing something because it is too hard. How are you going to find out if you are good at it unless you give it time to feel easy? The hardest and greatest jobs I have ever had are mother, wife and social worker. The moments of complete ease I have had doing these three have been spaced pretty far apart; but they are the only jobs I have had where I have had the feelings of ease. I also know exactly what things I am completely comfortable with leaving up to someone who has a greater ease at doing those things that feel hard to me.
Three- This is a big one that I am just learning myself. We are suppose to suffer, it is what life is all about. I know I know...suffer is a dirty word, no one wants to think about all the SUFFERING that goes on to everyone in the world on a daily basis. But point out to me one person who has never suffered in one form or another. There are many definitions of suffer which are obvious and I will not list them all. The only one I want to stress is; to undergo or experience any action, process, or condition. To suffer change. Huh....So what is change? To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of something different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. One more- nature- the universe with all its phenomena.
The Pith of the Matter here is that when we choose to avoid suffering we are avoiding the natural flow of change. We are not being mindful of the natural flow of the universe and all its phenomena. The real suffering begins when we do not understand the natural flow of suffering and make choices to make it worse. Death is awful, I think everyone will agree that death is the ultimate source of suffering. We wail, and scream and carry on when we are confronted with death. But death is actually the end of suffering for some; we make a choice to continue it by the way we greet it or say goodbye to it. Sickness, hunger, homelessness, abuse, neglect these are all base sufferings. Yet we will focus more on the fact that we eat too much, our home isn't big enough, its been two weeks since she has called me and paid attention to me. Silly needless suffering.
When you are feeling down, abused, neglected, taken advantage of, under paid, over tired, hungry, overworked, depressed for no reason remember those in the world who are truly suffering. Then get involved. You don't have to go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen all you have to do is something; you can help an elderly person out to their car with grocery's. Open a door for someone, smile at a stranger, say good morning, read something philosophical, garden, get a pet, eat better, go for a walk, talk to a friend, talk to your family. The idea is to just go do something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and making the suffering worse then it needs to be. You are the one who chooses the level of your suffering regardless of what the suffering is.
There is something called the weeping Buddha. They are usually carved out of wood. It is a Buddha hunched over in fetal position with his hands covering his head and legs crossed. He is meditating on suffering; giving up to it. He reminds us that there are greater things in the world then our own selfish sufferings. I guarantee that this Buddha would never meditate on the injustice of not being able to afford a bigger house or choosing to quit school cause its too hard.
Suffering is given to us to put life in its proper perspective. I am a HUGE advocate of a good cry, ask anyone who knows me, I am also a big advocate of a good rant and even a good rage quit every once in awhile. But only if these are not a bad habit that supports an addictive lifestyle. Addiction is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes sever trauma. While this definition specifically says narcotics we all know that there are addictions to non narcotics. Including behaviors.
Do we avoid suffering because we are afraid? Or do we engage in suffering in hopes of gaining experience and wisdom? It is a hard path to choose and follow, but I fully intend to find the wisdom and ease at the other end. Hope to see you there.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
What If
When did the word involved become such a dirty word? I don't get it. What if it has something to do with the level of involvement? Or maybe its that people don't want to get involved at all? Then how do we know when to get involved and when not to? Too many questions which led me to start researching this whole involved word.
According to Dictionary.com involved is defined as very intricate or complex; implicated, concerned in some affair, especially in a way likely to cause danger or unpleasantness. Being committed, engaged, as in a cause or movement. Engaged is to be busy or occupied; involved, or to enter into conflict with. A conflict is a fight, battle, or struggle, controversy, quarrel. So perhaps people think that because being involved has words associated with it like danger and unpleasant; because it causes us to engage ourselves in something, that could possible lead to conflict, we keep clear of it. hmmmmm But what if that, to a certain extent, was morally against our character? And what if it was also contrary to a healthy society?
I have worked in the social fields for over 24 years now. First child development ( known by many who don't take the field seriously as child care or day care; although where day care came from I don't know I have never cared for days only children) then social work, which I am now going back to school for; that or developmental psychology. Anyways...in both fields there is, with out a doubt, involvement.
Early on I realized and learned that in order to keep my sanity, and to keep from being burnt out, I needed to have boundaries. In any social field of work that is hard. In order to be effective at what you do you have to be personal, but not so personal as to suddenly become friends with that recovering drug addict trying to get his/her kids back. Personal enough to know when to, or not to, turn someone in for abuse and/or neglect; but not so personal as you can't turn someone in for suspected abuse/neglect.
It takes a special kind of personality to be in any social field of work. I am in the people field because I have a co-dependent personality. Most long term social workers will admit the same thing. It is far easier and healthier to help those who actually need help, then to randomly help friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family, in laws, their kids, their kids spouses, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins twice removed, their pets....well you get the picture. You also need to be a great listener and know how to assess an environment and the people in it in under 10 minutes with out, and here's the trick, WITHOUT being judgmental. You also need to know the difference between conflict and confrontation. Confrontation is bringing together ideas; it gets things done in a healthy, productive form of communication. Conflict does not. Being involved is a fine art and is not for the weak.
I am known for stirring the pot or poling the bear. It is a tool I use to end drama, get information I need in a hurry and teach. Recently I stirred the pot in a big way. A dear friend of the family shared that they had information concerning someone they knew; this information, when shared, ended up being that they knew someone who was threatening suicide........huh........ Sure I could have been like thousands, hundreds of thousands, of other people in the world who choose to ignore that information. Brushing if off to someone looking for attention, being over emotional, out of control and/ or with out guidance. Could have decided to ignore it hoping that it would go away. BUT....what if it didn't go away? Or worse yet, what if the situation went away because the kid actually followed through with the threat of suicide?
So I went up to the place where everyone hung out and proceeded to assess the environment and the people in it. Then, to sum it up briefly, I recruited a couple of young adults to intervene. No one was happy about it. Everyone wanted nothing to do with the situation; didn't want the drama, or to get involved. The Pith of the Matter was however, someone needed to get involved.
http://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/tools/exchange/serving-sexual-minority-youth-with-open-arms/suicide-prevention/red-flags-for-suicide
This is a website that gives the red flags for suicide. Number one for calling 911 is threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself. Knowing when to be involved and under what conditions is crucial to living an emotionally healthy, full filling, successful life. At the end we will not judge our success by the cars we drive, the home we live in, the labels on out clothes, the trips we take, etc. We will define our success by how we are loved and how we love.
Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Does it have to be for someone you know? I personally don't think so. When you have a deep, profoundly tender affection for yourself as a person it is easy to project that to others.
Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune. This is accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. The kid in question who threatened suicide was exiting a long term relationship. This person is young and feels, like all young adults, intensely. I felt for him even though I didn't know him; we've all been there. There were many behaviors that said to me that this person was in need of someone paying attention to what he was going through. People were paying attention to him, but for the wrong reasons. ( ...the pot stirring brought all the meat to the surface.)
Recognizing and choosing to deal with suffering doesn't mean that you take it upon yourself to eradicate all the suffering in the world. You choose to do what you can when you can with what you have. You set your boundaries according to your morals. Making this choice is never easy. It is never suppose to feel easy or happy. You know being involved was the right thing to do when someones life is better for it in the long run.
In the span of my career I have had to make many phone calls to the abuse hotline in order to save a child and the child's family. I believe and work from the whole family perspective; that in order for a child to have a healthy successful life the whole family has to be involved. Making the decision to have a child removed from a home and put into foster care does not, from the surface, meet or support those beliefs. Or does it? Most family's, when faced with loosing their children, pull it together. They stop their addictions. They stop criminal pursuits. They stop carrying guns, getting in fights, beating up on family. They get jobs, they go to school and they feel better about themselves. The children of these family's are the most blessed because they got to see positive changes made for their benefit. They learned first hand from the role models they value most how people can change for the better.
There are some kids, however, who never receive these wonderful gifts from care givers. They grow up thinking that they are not worthy and wander the world lost in anger and confusion and they communicate in anger and confusion. That is where we all come in. Making a choice to be involved, to share wisdom, experience, time, and ear is NEVER the wrong thing to do. Yes, I admit, life is so much quieter with out drama and upset. But how worse the drama and upset would have been if the kid choose to go through with his threats. I never feel guilt or remorse for being involved. I know my boundaries. Learn, and define yours and you will feel better about when and how to get involved.
Don't get so caught up in the what ifs that you stop dealing with the what ifs.....
According to Dictionary.com involved is defined as very intricate or complex; implicated, concerned in some affair, especially in a way likely to cause danger or unpleasantness. Being committed, engaged, as in a cause or movement. Engaged is to be busy or occupied; involved, or to enter into conflict with. A conflict is a fight, battle, or struggle, controversy, quarrel. So perhaps people think that because being involved has words associated with it like danger and unpleasant; because it causes us to engage ourselves in something, that could possible lead to conflict, we keep clear of it. hmmmmm But what if that, to a certain extent, was morally against our character? And what if it was also contrary to a healthy society?
I have worked in the social fields for over 24 years now. First child development ( known by many who don't take the field seriously as child care or day care; although where day care came from I don't know I have never cared for days only children) then social work, which I am now going back to school for; that or developmental psychology. Anyways...in both fields there is, with out a doubt, involvement.
Early on I realized and learned that in order to keep my sanity, and to keep from being burnt out, I needed to have boundaries. In any social field of work that is hard. In order to be effective at what you do you have to be personal, but not so personal as to suddenly become friends with that recovering drug addict trying to get his/her kids back. Personal enough to know when to, or not to, turn someone in for abuse and/or neglect; but not so personal as you can't turn someone in for suspected abuse/neglect.
It takes a special kind of personality to be in any social field of work. I am in the people field because I have a co-dependent personality. Most long term social workers will admit the same thing. It is far easier and healthier to help those who actually need help, then to randomly help friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family, in laws, their kids, their kids spouses, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins twice removed, their pets....well you get the picture. You also need to be a great listener and know how to assess an environment and the people in it in under 10 minutes with out, and here's the trick, WITHOUT being judgmental. You also need to know the difference between conflict and confrontation. Confrontation is bringing together ideas; it gets things done in a healthy, productive form of communication. Conflict does not. Being involved is a fine art and is not for the weak.
I am known for stirring the pot or poling the bear. It is a tool I use to end drama, get information I need in a hurry and teach. Recently I stirred the pot in a big way. A dear friend of the family shared that they had information concerning someone they knew; this information, when shared, ended up being that they knew someone who was threatening suicide........huh........ Sure I could have been like thousands, hundreds of thousands, of other people in the world who choose to ignore that information. Brushing if off to someone looking for attention, being over emotional, out of control and/ or with out guidance. Could have decided to ignore it hoping that it would go away. BUT....what if it didn't go away? Or worse yet, what if the situation went away because the kid actually followed through with the threat of suicide?
So I went up to the place where everyone hung out and proceeded to assess the environment and the people in it. Then, to sum it up briefly, I recruited a couple of young adults to intervene. No one was happy about it. Everyone wanted nothing to do with the situation; didn't want the drama, or to get involved. The Pith of the Matter was however, someone needed to get involved.
http://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/tools/exchange/serving-sexual-minority-youth-with-open-arms/suicide-prevention/red-flags-for-suicide
This is a website that gives the red flags for suicide. Number one for calling 911 is threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself. Knowing when to be involved and under what conditions is crucial to living an emotionally healthy, full filling, successful life. At the end we will not judge our success by the cars we drive, the home we live in, the labels on out clothes, the trips we take, etc. We will define our success by how we are loved and how we love.
Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Does it have to be for someone you know? I personally don't think so. When you have a deep, profoundly tender affection for yourself as a person it is easy to project that to others.
Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune. This is accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. The kid in question who threatened suicide was exiting a long term relationship. This person is young and feels, like all young adults, intensely. I felt for him even though I didn't know him; we've all been there. There were many behaviors that said to me that this person was in need of someone paying attention to what he was going through. People were paying attention to him, but for the wrong reasons. ( ...the pot stirring brought all the meat to the surface.)
Recognizing and choosing to deal with suffering doesn't mean that you take it upon yourself to eradicate all the suffering in the world. You choose to do what you can when you can with what you have. You set your boundaries according to your morals. Making this choice is never easy. It is never suppose to feel easy or happy. You know being involved was the right thing to do when someones life is better for it in the long run.
In the span of my career I have had to make many phone calls to the abuse hotline in order to save a child and the child's family. I believe and work from the whole family perspective; that in order for a child to have a healthy successful life the whole family has to be involved. Making the decision to have a child removed from a home and put into foster care does not, from the surface, meet or support those beliefs. Or does it? Most family's, when faced with loosing their children, pull it together. They stop their addictions. They stop criminal pursuits. They stop carrying guns, getting in fights, beating up on family. They get jobs, they go to school and they feel better about themselves. The children of these family's are the most blessed because they got to see positive changes made for their benefit. They learned first hand from the role models they value most how people can change for the better.
There are some kids, however, who never receive these wonderful gifts from care givers. They grow up thinking that they are not worthy and wander the world lost in anger and confusion and they communicate in anger and confusion. That is where we all come in. Making a choice to be involved, to share wisdom, experience, time, and ear is NEVER the wrong thing to do. Yes, I admit, life is so much quieter with out drama and upset. But how worse the drama and upset would have been if the kid choose to go through with his threats. I never feel guilt or remorse for being involved. I know my boundaries. Learn, and define yours and you will feel better about when and how to get involved.
Don't get so caught up in the what ifs that you stop dealing with the what ifs.....
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