I won't give up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_pw2Bo8tuc

Bullying 101: For adults

  

“Why aren't you in school? I see you every day wandering around."
"Oh, they don't miss me," she said. "I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? Social to me means talking to you about things like this." She rattled some chestnuts that had fallen off the tree in the front yard. "Or talking about how strange the world is. Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? An hour of TV class, an hour of basketball or baseball or running, another hour of transcription history or painting pictures, and more sports, but do you know, we never ask questions, or at least most don't; they just run the answers at you, bing, bing, bing, and us sitting there for four more hours of film-teacher. That's not social to me at all. It's a lot of funnels and lot of water poured down the spout and out the bottom, and them telling us it's wine when it's not. They run us so ragged by the end of the day we can't do anything but go to bed or head for a Fun Park to bully people around, break windowpanes in the Window Smasher place or wreck cars in the Car Wrecker place with the big steel ball. Or go out in the cars and race on the streets, trying to see how close you can get to lampposts, playing 'chicken' and 'knock hubcaps.' I guess I'm everything they say I am, all right. I haven't any friends. That's supposed to prove I'm abnormal. But everyone I know is either shouting or dancing around like wild or beating up one another. Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays?”
― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

tags: answers, antisocial, bullying, conform, hurt, lies, loneliness, peer-pressure, school, social, society, wandering        

           There are days when I wake up feeling emotional...who knows why?   Now I could keep this whole topic to myself;  I mean who really wants to talk about feelings and emotions?  Who wants others to know that I feel weak, and vulnerable sometimes?  Most of us have been taught, even conditioned to a certain extent, to keep our feelings to ourselves.  In our society men most certainly learn this from preschool up.  Why is this?  Why do we, as a culture strive to teach our children not to express how they feel, there for teaching, to a certain extent, that they shouldn't speak what is on their mind.  This is what is behind the bullying issue we see so much of now.  It is another way of saying children should be seen and not heard.  Bear with me while I weave my tale.
          In the last couple of weeks I have observed, and heard many people, women especially, who make apologies to people, usually those closet to them, for feeling emotional.  May be its because when we feel emotional there is no specific reason for it...we think.  I don't believe this.  I think there is always a reason for the way we feel whether it is hormones, exhaustion, coming down with a cold, grief,or how about we are just able to feel empathetic? 
          We see so much around us on a daily basis on the news, even just driving home from work that we can do nothing about.  Or that we think we can do nothing about.  Sure many of us are unable to do anything about a tidal wave that changes the face of a country...literally.  We end up feeling helpless and then perhaps angry.  We find something, or someone, to blame.  If the news hadn't shared this with us then we wouldn't feel like we do.  So we stop watching TV., and shut off news feeds to our phone, and Facebook.  Which I am actually for.  But I feel we forget about the bigger picture.  In our attempt to block out information, that is more often than not full of drama, that contains not enough factual information, we forget that we can be doing something at home. 
          My husband has a habit, which at the beginning of our relationship criticized him for, because I was concerned about his safety.  But then some where down the line he taught me something valuable.  He has always given money to random homeless guys on the street.  Once a homeless guy showed up at our door.  He thought the safe house sign on a tree in front of our house meant that we were housing homeless, when it is actually for kids walking home from school who need a safe place to go to.   My husband, instead of turning him away invited him in, drove him to the shelter, waited with him to get in, and when it was found that he needed an ID, took him to the police station to get him one so the guy could have a safe place to stay at night.  My husband see's  a kid walking down the street in shorts, who looks to be about 10, hitch hiking, he calls the police.  He see's a toddler in the parking lot with no apparent adult supervision, he calls the police.  He see's a mother smacking a baby in McDonalds, he gives her a stern look, and when she turns on him and says, "what are you looking at" he replies, with confidence, and bravery, "A mom who in 15 years is going to wonder why her son is beating the shit out of her with a baseball bat."  ;D   Yes my husband has taught me that to stand up for how you feel is important, and it is not what you say, but how you say it, that makes the difference.
           However, this is the same man who grew up thinking, because he was taught, that we should just keep how we feel to ourselves until it passes.  And I don't think this is always healthy.  I think many of us, because we have not been taught how to express how we feel, keep our feelings to ourselves, even apologizing for them, until it is almost unbearable, and then we pop.  Not like a happy champagne cork on New Years Eve pop, but like a gun fired at an enemy, and Buddha help who ever happens to be between what our aim should be and us. 
          I have figured something's out in this area over the years that are helpful.   Lets start off with the most important and most obvious first.  It is ok to feel what you feel!  Feelings are truly the one thing that we can say with confidence are ours.  Others will feel what we feel, but not exactly how we feel it.  The intensity will be different, the feelings about it will be different.  Take politics as an example.  We all feel something for Obama, but it is not all the same.  ;)  Don't let anyone try to make you feel that you what feel is crazy, or ridiculous.  It is disrespectful, not only to you, but to society in general. 
           The next thing to figure out is how to share what you feel.  This goes back to my often expressed hypothesis of everyone has a right to be heard.  The thing to remember is that not everyone wants to, or will, hear you.  When you realize that it is a matter of finding someone who likes, and loves you enough, to hear how you feel, you begin to understand that there are others out their who feel like you do.  This gives you confidence.   I believe that there are quite a few misdiagnosed persons running around out there thinking they are broken when in reality maybe they just need someone to talk to, someone to listen to them, and understand how they feel.  Internalizing feelings induces anger, anxiety, depression, and intimately isolation, loneliness, and insecurity.  You don't need a pill to fix this.
           There are something's that can be shared with almost everyone, and anyone.  "I like this flavor of ice-cream.  I don't like McDonalds.  I won't shop at Wal-Mart's" etc. etc. They are not so personal as feelings.  But sharing that you are having an emotional day, and may burst into tears at any moment is something for people whom you trust.  I have seen this done successfully on Facebook actually.  But the people who share it are the ones who are choosey about who they allow into their friendship circle on Facebook.  If you post something about having a bad day etc. etc., and have random people you don't know on your Facebook, then you should not be surprised if you get insensitive, sarcastic, trolling.  It is appropriate to protect yourself from this behavior.   There is absolutely no rule any where that suggests we are to sit back and take disrespectful, insensitive behavior from anyone.  There is nothing that tells us that we should argue with people who are disrespectful, and/or insensitive. 
          I have another hypothesis about bullying.  Many adults have expressed to me that they are afraid to discipline kids now a days.  There is no more spanking in schools, parents can't spank or they end up in the system.  Everything seems to boil down to the fact that we can't spank.  BLEH!  Hold on wiping off monitor. 
          Its not that we can't spank its that so many of us think that the only form of discipline that is effective is spanking!  C'mon people.  You embarrass us as a culture, seriously.  Now I am actually not against spanking.  In the field of work I have been in however I don't promote it because so many people don't know when or how to spank, or when to stop spanking.  That is why they end up in the system.  If you spank out of anger, or because you don't know what else to do then you are doing it wrong.  Spanking is reserved for instances like, your child runs out into the street, or parking lot; you cant let natural consequences kick in because in this situation it would mean getting hit by a car, and we don't want that.  You don't do it hard, never leave bruises, it is basically to get the child to notice that he is in danger.  It is also only used after you have taken the time to teach cars, how to cross the street, to stop look and listen, Holding the hand always.  If your child constantly pulls away from you and runs off, after you have taught everything with no success, then time to consider spanking, with out anger.  You also NEVER spank adolescent's.  Adolescents have entered puberty and the rules for discipline, and boundaries for touching them change.  You spank a teen too much at some point they will hit back.  Who's fault is it that they feel their body's are being disrespected to the point that they lash out?  If someone was using the same behavior with you what would you do?  AND if you have done it so much that the child has become passive and fearful then you get to deal with me and a whole slew of agency's.  I protect the rights of children, and there will never be anyone who is successful at bullying me form my path.
          Discipline teaches, punishment is punitive.  Spanking has been used more often than not as punitive.  It teaches a child to behave out of fear, and embarrassment.  A teacher who spanks a child in front of classmates is embarrassing the child, and isolating them.  It makes them a target for bulling. Only making that teachers job easier perhaps because the child becomes afraid of him.  But the only thing the teacher has educated in the child is fear.  AND NO ONE learns anything from fear.  Fear is the anti-teacher.  Its what dictators have historically used to control society's. 
          There is a ton of information out there on how to effectively discipline so that a child learns; not only making him/her feel successful, but you, the adult, also.  Spanking is a sign of ignorance, and defeat.  It is the technique most used by bully's, and abusers, to gain control over a child.  Don't want to be perceived as such?  Then go educate yourself and do something better.
            I have heard it said that feelings are not always correct so we shouldn't pay too much attention to them.  I don't agree with this.  How will we know what to respond to if we don't pay attention to how we feel about something?  Take the news for instance.  I stopped watching it regularly after 9-11.  YES a very important day in our history, as a country, and world, but they played it 24/7 for 3 days straight causing, and this is fact, post traumatic stress in millions of Americans of all ages.  This, in my opinion, is an excellent example of not needing to have the TV on.   We all wanted to do something, we all felt the need to do something, whether it was hiding in our homes until it passed, or getting to New York City asap to help.  Many of us sent money, and said silent prayers everyday.  The point is we all did something according to how we felt!  Allowing ourselves to be forced to feel something that perhaps we don't feel, or need to feel, is a form of brain washing.   I believe the majority of us don't need to be forced to feel more shock, horror, compassion, love,  etc. for a plane crashing into the twin towers and killing millions of people.  We don't need to be coerced to feel more for Benghazi, for any war, for abuse, etc.  Feeling anger about these to any degree is the red flag that we should do something about it.  Anger gets our adrenalin going, to kicks in the fight or flight instinct, all of this is good and it is what is suppose to happen.  If you understand this the next step is to figure out what you can do.
          Here's another example for you to ponder.  I kid gets bullied at school, adults don't see it happening, and the kids that do either feel scared so do nothing, or join in.  Well lets look at this from a child development point of view.  First of all the fear comes form not knowing what to do.  Educate the kids watching that they too can stand up as a group and do something.  At this age group acceptance is important, there is safety in numbers.  Adolescence is wired to work as groups.  This age group finds themselves out in the world with out adult supervision more and more.  The more information adults give adolescents to deal with things, like bullying, the better equipped, and there fore less fearful, adolescents will feel when confronted with this.  The kids who are participating in the bullying are doing so because they also want to be accepted, and feel, for what ever reason, that bullying is strong, and safer.  But if everyone is taught not to accept this behavior as strong, brave, and safe then the tide will turn.
          As adults we role model this by questioning adult behavior we come in contact with.  I know quite a few adults who resort to sarcasm, gossip, inappropriate humor, and other bad behavior.  I have blogged often on this.  I believe it is human nature to feel intimidated by this, to feel left, out, insecure, fearful, unsafe.  These are feelings that we ignore, especially if we are in a group and left standing alone.  The instinctual safety in numbers thing kicks in.  We tell ourselves that we must be wrong other wise why would we be standing alone?  Well simply put...because the person standing alone is not a lemming.  Saw a great FB post the other day.  It was a picture of a box that simply said don't be the box.  It didn't say don't be in the box, or be outside of the box, it said don't be the box.  Eloquent.  As adults when we are faced with bad behavior we have the opportunity not only to teach who ever is watching us, young or old, that there is alternative thoughts out there, but to role model that fear doesn't rule everyone.  Some of us are brave.  Anyone who interprets this independent choice as crazy, insecure, etc. does not deserve our respect, only our compassion.
          Recently I saw a Facebook post that informed us that many young Americans do not know what Benghazi is.   This is a little concerning for me because these people will vote for the persons behind it out of ignorance.  What can I do?  Inform!  I can't make someone vote differently, but I can give them information to make a more informed decision.  The delivery of information is important also.  If you share information with the following, anger, superiority, try to make someone else feel they are stupid, ignorant, disrespect, then I guarantee no one will listen to you.  You are behaving like a bully and no one wants to be bullied into making a decision.  Something else to consider and remember here.  Often we learn not from good role models, but bad ones.  We learn what to do as well as what NOT to do.
           Feelings are red flags.  They try to help us determine if, and what we should do.  Doing nothing over long periods of time causes anxiety, anger, depression, a combination of two, or all three at the same time.  Sometimes doing something about how you feel just requires talking it out with someone.  Nothing more.  Sometimes it requires more, an apology, more sleep, getting out there and doing something about it?  Write a letter to your congressman. Join a picket line. Sign a petition. Write a blog! Sometimes it just requires more time to figure it out.
          As a culture we have been trained to believe that, because this is America, we have everything at our disposal.  This is good and bad.  Yes we have opportunity's that many other country's/cultures don't have.  But I think for many people they think one of two things; one-get it now; or two- if I cant have it now then what's the use of trying.  What if the answer is just not now?
         Waiting gives us a feeling we don't like to have, impatience.  Impatience pre-empts anger; we have this uncomfortable feeling, we don't like feeling this way.  Then we look for someone to blame, because how could many of us actually take responsibility for how we feel; its all down hill after that.  The amount of people, circumstances, environments, etc. that blame could be placed on is endless.
          Take things in our past for instance.  I cannot think of many people who do not think that in some way they were screwed up by their childhood.  Whether it was parents, extended family, siblings, teachers, poverty, the government, the educational system, etc., etc., everyone will have an opinion about why they are so fucked up in adult hood.  I admit that I have even been guilty of this.  I think this is part of the journey necessary to lead a healthy functional life.  Most of us at some point get tired of blaming, and decide that I have control over my happiness, regardless of what happened in my past.  But here's the thing.  Do we stop mourning what we lost in our past?
          I have talked before about grief.  Grief is the feeling of loss.  Usually we attach it to something like the death of a loved one, that is obvious.  BUT it can also be attached to ideas, and dreams.  Even ideas and dreams that are built to survive.  This is healthy and natural!
          Some of us did too many drug's in our youth and it almost destroyed us.  But it didn't.  But what time was truly wasted?  Did we learn?  Did we stop?  Of course.  Does it change that sometimes we will come to the realization that the wasted time killed a dream, or idea, that we had?  No.  I think this important realization is a necessary part of healing, of closure, if not for you than someone close to you.  AND when the person close to you see's, and feels, that you have come to this realization than they will feel a loss also.  YES possibly anger, because it is human nature, and anger is also a stage of grief.  The trick is to not ignore it!  To ride it out to the end like the addiction!  Close that chapter fully.  Let the target be you, not everything in between you, and the other person.  Be accountable.
         When a child has been bullied I guarantee that there will be aspects of grief involved.  Most kids who are bullied are sensitive.  Sensitivity is not perceived as a strength.  Feeling things is not perceived as strong.  A bully will sense this. (Ironic huh.)  A bullied child will question life, what he/she thought it was suppose to be, and what it actually appears to be now are two different things.  An idea, a dream ends, grieving begins.  As an adult if you understand the stages of grief, as your child progresses through life, you will be more equipped to help, and role model what they need to be successful.
          Someone said to me once that we are all responsible for our own feelings.  This is true, I agree with this.  However, this was said to me in the context of, "I know I just said something really shitty to you, but there wouldn't be a problem if you felt differently about it."  Seriously?  WTF?  Did you just try to make me accountable for your inability to control, and express, your feelings appropriately?  My reply to this was, "You are right, I could look at you and say either  out loud, or to myself, fuck you, I don't need this shit, but we are personally involved, and the bottom line is that if I turned off my feelings towards you this relationship would not endure.  So you are going to need to be accountable for the crappy things that you sometimes say, and do towards me.  That is how this relationship will endure and grow."  And he did, and does.
          Yes we are in control of our feelings.  We pick and choose who we share them with.  This is a gift bestowed on those we trust, respect, and love the most in our lives.  It is reserved for inner circle friends, and family.  If you want to be included in the inner circle, and you are not, then bullying someone into feeling like you do will not work.  Bullying someone into feeling like crap when they are around you will not work.  You need to put yourself out there.  Use the behavior that suggests that you are inner circle material.  Don't gossip.  Don't belittle, Be accountable.  Be a leader, not a follower.  Be honest, sincere, respectful, compassionate, kind and fair.
          Life is, more often than not, absolutely nothing like we thought, or was taught growing up. that it would be.  Teach your kids how to deal effectively with what they are dealing with.  Don't tell them to stop being a cry baby.  (I hate that btw.)  Ask why they are crying.  Teach them that crying is good, and appropriate sometimes.  When its not it doesn't mean to stop crying it means teaching them that it is ok to be alone, quiet, and sad by yourself sometimes.  Teach them to journal how they feel.  To go back and read it and learn from it.  Teach them how to observe how someone else is feeling, and how to respond appropriately to someone else's feelings.  Role model how to be empathetic.  We are born empathetic, but it needs to be nurtured.  You must show a child how to respond appropriately, safely.  Helping others makes us feel good.  Knowing that we were there for someone makes us stronger.  Knowing that we can with stand, and endure, feelings, gives us confidence.  Teach this to everyone, the bully's especially need to know how to do all of this.
          Did you know in junior high that, that phase of development feels so much that they don't know what to do with it!  Hormones, brain development, screw up their perception, its scary, and messes with their confidence.  They need guidance at this age.  It doesn't matter if they tell you everything is ok, or they don't need help.  If your intuition is telling you something is up then something probably is, make yourself available to them and guild them.  Role model how to express feelings appropriately.  Teach anger management at this age.  Teach empathy.  And teach that its ok to feel.  They are having all these feelings right now because feelings is how we learn, as adults, how to deal with life!  If we are not feeling then we are not experiencing life.  Feel scared?  Probably a good reason to feel it.  But is it because it is something dangerous, or new?  If its something new then guidance is needed so they feel more confident.  EVEN if its the first day of school! 
          For the record; if more kids were taught the skill of empathy, and how to respond to it, there would not be such a big bullying issue as there is. In Buddhism it is called mindfulness.  A bully is someone who is not understanding how to be empathetic.  It hasn't been role modeled to them.  Even if they are not getting it at home another adult can do this.
           I've had teens voice that they don't get empathetic behavior at home, their parents are assholes, everyone they know deals with things with anger, impatience, yelling, fighting, prejudice, etc..  Want to help them? Simply ask this kid how do they like living with that.  Then ask if they want to change it?  And empower them to know, and FEEL, that they can change!  They can be the first person in their family to change! They can rebel against their parents!  If they never do anything else in their life doing this alone is a HUGE difference, and they need to understand it!  Once they do their life is different; they have made a difference. May be its what you were put in the universe for?  To make a difference in this kids life.  AND what if changing how he looks at, and deals with, how he has been taught to deal with life changes something big in the universe?  May be he becomes a world leader?  May be he raises a child who becomes a world leader?  May be he doesn't bully someone who goes on to become a world leader?
          In Buddhism we treat everyone as if they could be the next Buddha.  Who's to say?  Who knows for sure?  The point is, no matter what your spirituality, there comes great confidence, and value in recognizing, and valuing, how everyone feels, whether you personally agree with their feelings, or not.  It is for a reason.  It may be not be your reason, but it is theirs, and if you want respect for how you feel then you must pay if forward, or be prepared to be accused of being selfish.
          Teaching a child how to be selfless does not mean teaching them to be passive and take other peoples shit.  It means teaching them that they can express how they feel with confidence, and respect.  It means standing up for what is important in life.  It means teaching them to do the right thing; to tell the truth no matter how hard, to be respectful of everyone, and everything they share space with, to learn as much about everyone, and everything they share space with.  It does not mean that they need to be accepted.  Forgiveness does not mean that you need to agree with injustice.  It means teaching that sometimes forgiveness is justice. 
          Kids need to be taught that what they feel afterwards, after making the hard choice, after telling the truth, standing up for themselves, or someone else, after doing the right thing, that what they did was good, and it felt good, it made them feel strong, brave and confident!  Kids are learning a lot.  As adults we often assume that all of this comes naturally either because it wasn't taught to us, and we came out ok, so meh; OR because we forgot how hard it was growing up with out guidance.  You know why we all remember that one person who changed our life?  Because they took the time to guide us through a time that was so hard.  We never forget that!  Be that one person, never stop trying to be that one person.  When someone learns to be selfless they are not putting others before themselves always, they just understand that part of what makes them whole, is being mindful to others around them, and being mindful to the environment they are in.  If you strive to bring about peace, then you will feel peaceful.  You fi feel confident with who you are, what you believe in, then you will be surrounded with confidence no matter where you stand.  Bullying will not touch you.
         A bully is defined as a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.  To me this describes far more adults then kids. Want bullying to end?  First of all teach tolerance, Teach respect.  Teach how to be honest.  Be authentic in your communication.  Listen. Teach compassion, kindness and understanding.  Teach that we all feel differently and its OK.  Know the stages of grief and how to help someone experiencing them.  You can stand up to bully's and make a difference.  Bullying is taught. 
         If we are all born happy, loving, compassionate, and empathetic, then how does someone go from there to bullying?  The problem is not that bullying is causing events like mass shootings in schools, etc.  The problem is that people pay too much attention to one sort of behavior; the bad kind.  We fail to recognize the quiet kid doing the right thing day after day.  We fail to recognize that he has been working his ass off with no recognition, and has begun to grieve for the fact that no one appears to care about all his hard work, his strength day in and day out.  
          In America bullying is perceived as strength.  We are a sarcastic, loud, gun toting, bomb dropping, news making, drama orientated, over advertised, focused on unimportant, mediocre, surface crap, culture.  We live in a nation where a rich spoiled house wife receives more publicity then a quiet, soft spoken kid, working his/her ass off in school when he/she comes form a low income, abusive, addictive, household.  On one hand we say this is America go get it, if you work hard its yours, then we tip the scale dramatically and say through everything advertised we won't support you.  Its enough to make the best of kids either become a bully, or to shoot a bunch of classmates. 
          There is that African proverb that says it takes a village.  When any one child goes unnoticed, and resorts to bad behavior in order to be noticed, we have all failed.  When I see bad news about a child who's life has taken a bad turn I always wonder where were the adults in his/her life?  Its so easy to blame the parents, but the bottom line is parents need help too.  We all need to be an active part in a child's life.  How would you feel if you could have done something to help a child, choose to do nothing, and then saw on the news that the child had committed a crime where he, and others were killed?  You don't know what help you can be.  You sometimes may never know.  But the point here is doing the right thing has nothing to do with recognition, it has to do with doing, and role modeling the right thing to do, and how it feels afterwards.  Sitting back and saying to yourself, and others, that kids today are different; they just don't get it so why even try is a cop out.  They get it...you don't. 
          We need to understand the adolescent culture better.  Culture is defined as the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc.  When we don't pay attention to our children we are ignoring the potential of our culture.  When we refuse to help them, guide them, role model for them, respect their individuality, be compassionate, listen to them, etc. we are making decision for our future.  When you say that the next generation doesn't know shit and you fear for our future you are placing judgment.  When you do it often, loudly, and argue with those who disagree, even if it is your child, or someone else's, you are intimidating someone you perceive as being weaker.  You are role modeling how to be a bully. 
Namaste
Peace out and in

“Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

tags: bullying, moral-courage

 

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
― Desmond Tutu

tags: bullying, courage, dissent, moral-courage, neutrality, protest

Opinions Are Like....

  

 
The following are inspirational Buddha quotes and stories on mindfulness, karma, nirvana, happiness, and just letting go.

"Don't blindly believe what I say. Don't believe me because others convince you of my words.
Don't believe anything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts."
"Don't rely on logic alone, nor speculation. Don't infer or be deceived by appearances."
"Do not give up your authority and follow blindly the will of others. This way will lead to only delusion."
"Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself give up the bad and embrace the good."
~ The Buddha ~     



           Is the information that we are given through out our lives meant just for us?  Or are we suppose to share what we know?  And who do we know who to share it with?  How much information do we share?  Do we want to make some one else's journey a little easier through life.  Or not?  Isn't learning the hard lessons how we learn?  So maybe we should just keep our mouths shut, sit back in our comfortable places of life, and shut up?  But then don't we end up feeling like we could have, should have, done something, anything? To save some one, anyone, or to save something?  But is it our job to save everyone?  Isn't it just up to us to influence those we love?  But only If they let us...  On the other hand we are all part of the human race.  We all share experiences that could benefit some one else, even strangers.  The greatest of those experiences is simply sharing love, kindness and compassion.  Lots of questions.  No real clear cut answers.  Or is there?
          Lately I have been hesitant to blog.  A lot of ideas that I blog about I get from hearing, and/ or watching people.  Some people are strangers, some are not.  Some are from people whom I love and/or respect, some are not.  I have been told by some people that I should stop blogging.  Stop telling others what I think, what I see, what I hear. Stop voicing my opinions.  "Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one."  Who thought up of that phrase?  I think it has been very effective at silencing so many people who should perhaps speak up. Having some people tell me this has made me hesitate on sharing what I see, hear, and experience.  But then something interesting happens.  My rebellious nature, which I have never lost since when it developed during adolescence, kicks in.  I searched the quote; from what I can gather the quote comes from Clint Eastwood's  Dirty Harry movie.  Interesting how a movie can hold so much influence.                  
 http://quotegeek.com/quotes-from-movies/dirty-harry/5162/  
          Learning that a random quote from a movie about, lets face it, a cop who subscribes to his own form of justice, mostly by illegal means, got me to thinking about what influences our opinions, and how.  This movie came out in 1971.  For 43 years now people have been using this quote to shut people up, and down.  Is it the over used misuse of this quote that is to be blamed?  Or all of us that allow it to intimidate us?  Why does it intimidate? 
          Well its origin comes from Clint Eastwood for one.  Even when Clint Eastwood plays a good guy it is with a slightly injured, on the edge, man's man, fuck the world kind of attitude.  In Dirty Harry he is playing a cop, who is not a good cop.  He gets the job done, and we all silently cheer, well maybe not so silently, when he inevitably kills the bad guy who deserves to die.  Harry is basically saying that even though he works with in the justice system he thinks the system sucks and is going to bring his own form of justice to get the job done.  He mocks society and the hypocrisy of much of it.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qphxc1CiQYE
          SO here's an interesting twist for everyone who misuses this quote.   The quote is actually there NOT to shut people up but to get them talking!!  Think about it!  This is a guy challenging the system on almost every level.  The quote is directed not towards someone who is thinking outside the box, but to someone who is in the box!  So basically the conclusion that I have come to, when someone misuses this quote to try and get me to be quiet, is to tell that someone to; 1-watch the Dirty Harry movies dumb ass, and 2- you really are a lemming aren't you!?!
           Not very Buddhist of me I know.  And I recognize that.  Which brings me to my next thought on speaking your mind.   I truly don't think there is anything in any spirituality that says that anyone is suppose to sit back and say/do nothing when they see/ know someone is engaging in something wrong, or something wrong is taking place.   The problem is not in people using their spirituality to define what is right and wrong.  It is in the individual interpretations.  Take a person who is highly prejudice, and angry, about everything, and everybody.  We've all seen/ heard about these people.  I can pretty much guarantee that a person of this type is going to interpret most spiritual readings to support, and even encourage more anger, and discrimination.  However take a person who is kind and loving and compassionate.  This person will interpret spiritual readings, and teach them, in the context of love, kindness and compassion. 
           Lets not put all the blame on the person who is doing the teaching.  In communication there are two people.  One throwing and one catching.  Someone can throw a ball perfectly, but if the person catching doesn't catch it then the throw is incomplete.  Does the person who is throwing give up?  Is the person who didn't catch just a bad, flawed catcher?  Or does the person throwing keep on trying until the catcher gets it?  Who do we continue to practice with? 
          Here's what I think.   I think not only do we all have the right to communicate what we feel is important, but we all have a bit of a moral obligation.  I will give you an example.  In my home, growing up, abuse was a secret.  Everyone knew, no one talked about it.  The adults would hint around it with the children who they suspected were enduring the abuse, but nothing was every said, or done.  The kids were not protected.  Why? 
          The adults didn't want to make waves, to disturb, and upset the rest of the family.  They told themselves that kids turn into adults, and they, themselves, turned out ok, so the kids in question would too.  (Abuse is generational unless it is put to an end.)  They didn't think it was their place to say, or do, anything.  So they didn't, and the abuse continued until the kids grew up.  
          Interesting thing happens, and it happens in many family's who keep the abuse secret.  The abuse is kept secret because no one wanted the family to break up; and/ or the rest of the world to know of the terrible, embarrassing things that were taking place.  The kids are basically a sacrifice; given up to keep the family together.  These kids grow up, however, and as adults the family splits anyways; the adult children of abuse want nothing to do with persons who were suppose to be keeping them safe as children.  They were crap role models.
          What is role modeled to these kids is distrust, uncertainty, victimization, weakness, co-dependency, and many other traits that, if you are a logical, mature, healthy adult, make you feel anger towards people who did a shitty job at raising you.   Once the anger passes it is replaced with resentment, and then sadness.  Even when you get to a place of forgiveness, because you understand that perhaps these people didnt know any better, the decision to not have them be part of your life remains.  Children of abuse are put in the role of being adult.  They are made responsible to protect themselves, and protect a secret which should not be kept.  Who wants to be the only adult in an adult relationship?  Especially with people who didn't behave as adults when you needed them to be.
          When you are raised to keep "secrets" that should not be kept you grow up feeling that you have an obligation to ensure that people know what you know.   It is why I was a social worker, and in child development.   Teaching other parents what it is like for their children to endure some of the things that they put them through redeems my past for me.  Teaching kids how to say no, and to tell what they know gives them, and me, confidence. Teaching others about my journey through life, writing, talking about not only some of my experiences a s a child growing up, but as a wife, a parent, a friend, a co-worker, a fellow human being, helps me to feel that my experiences, whether they were good, or bad, were not wasted.   Yes, I sometimes feel sad, even angry.  These are necessary emotions, to learn, and heal.   Learning how to have them appropriately is important.  When I learn how to do this I pay it forward. 
          When I repeat the mistakes of my role models, and choose to not talk about what I feel are important aspects of life that some one, and I don't know who it could be, anyone, I am affecting my Karma.  Choosing not to learn, choosing to repeat the crap, choosing to not speak about anything that may make someone else uncomfortable, is bad Karma.  Hence, moral obligation.
          Karma, however, does not address someone else's Karma.  We are only responsible to ourselves for our own Karma.  So we are morally obligated to share what we know, what we have experienced, what we have learned, to help alleviate some one else's suffering, and hopefully, make their journey to Nirvana easier; in return making our path, our Karma, better.  We can communicate our knowledge, in many ways, in hopes that who we are communicating to will understand, and perhaps even agree, and benefit from it.  BUT once we tell the truth, as we know it, politely, and respectfully, we are to back away calmly from it, with self assurance, respect, and compassion.  We took care of our own Karma. 
          You see everyone may have an opinion, and has a right to express it; expressing that opinion does not mean that everyone else needs to agree with it, it just means that you have said your peace, and done what you feel to be the right thing. Karma. No one has the right, how ever, to tell anyone to not speak.  It truly is not what you say, but HOW you say it, and the intent behind it.  An exchange of information is just that.  You cannot change how someone else thinks, behaves, or lives.  You can only choose to change yourself around the situation, and how you choose to change yourself is directly connected to your Karma!
         Many people never use the second part of that quote,"opinions are like assholes..."  It is, "Everybody's got one, and everyone thinks everyone else's stinks."   Harry is basically telling the person who he directed this to, I hear what your saying, but Im going to do what I think is right anyways.   Now I would never take a gun and shoot someone to make my point; but Im going to embrace the attitude of Dirty Harry.  
          You can disagree with what I write, what I think, how I live, and what I say.  Its OK!  But Im still going to do what I feel to be the right thing in the end.  I will not repeat past mistakes.  I will be a good role model.  Most importantly Karma is a bitch.  From now on when some one says to me, "opinions are like assholes..."  In context to how I choose to live my life I am going to reply with  more confidence,"and yours stinks."
Namaste
Peace out
http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/120956/why-is-karma-a-bitch