State of Woe

         ...Some are ashamed of what is not shameful,

And shameless about what is shameful.

Following such false views, They go to a sorrowful state.

Some are fearful where there is nothing to fear

And are fearless where there is much to fear

Holding such false views

They go to a sorrowful state

Some see what is right as wrong

And what is wrong as right

Holding such false views

They go to a sorrowful state

Those who see wrong as wrong

And right as right

Hold right views

And for to a joyful state.

-State of Woe, The Dhammapada

           I believe that there are certain times during the year that life starts to feel harder.  Not quite sure why this happens, could be for a variety of reasons.  Stress at home, stress at work, stress at school, holidays coming up, lack of sleep, poor diet, too much caffeine, too little caffeine, the person who cut you off in traffic then gave you the finger, the brakes going out on the car, a total stranger bitching at you for just doing your job....the list is endless.   I also believe that, for what ever reason these things are never timed perfectly and they will all happen at the same time.   Why does his happen?   Well I've been researching this and this is what I've come up with.
          One-   Its LIFE...simple but true.   If you choose to engage yourself in life you will end up dealing with life.   The more you engage in life the more life experiences you will have.  The less you choose to engage life, the less life experiences you will have.   Experience gives us wisdom, the more wisdom you have concerning life the easier life feels.  This explains why some one so young can have wisdom beyond their years and why someone so old doesn't have a clue.  Life experiences.   (This also supports being involved-see "What If" blog.)
          Two-   I think most things in life are suppose to feel hard.  If it feels hard you know you are LEARNING  The trick is what are you suppose to be learning?  Is it hard because it is suppose to be something you should not be dealing with; that is not your strength, or that would be better left to someone else?  OR is it hard just because it is an experience you haven't had before?   First day of a job or school is a perfect example of this.  I personally don't think anyone should ever stop doing something because it is too hard.  How are you going to find out if you are good at it unless you give it time to feel easy?   The hardest and greatest jobs I have ever had are mother, wife and social worker.   The moments of complete ease I have had doing these three have been spaced pretty far apart; but they are the only jobs I have had where I have had the feelings of ease.  I also know exactly what things I am completely comfortable with leaving up to someone who has a greater ease at doing those things that feel hard to me.  
          Three-  This is a big one that I am just learning myself.   We are suppose to suffer, it is what life is all about.   I know I know...suffer is a dirty word, no one wants to think about all the SUFFERING that goes on to everyone in the world on a daily basis.   But point out to me one person who has never suffered in one form or another.   There are many definitions of suffer which are obvious and I will not list them all.  The only one I want to stress is; to undergo or experience any action, process, or condition.   To suffer change.   Huh....So what is change?   To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of something different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.  One more- nature- the universe with all its phenomena.
          The Pith of the Matter here is that when we choose to avoid suffering we are avoiding the natural flow of change.  We are not being mindful of the natural flow of the universe and all its phenomena.  The real suffering begins when we do not understand the natural flow of suffering and make choices to make it worse.  Death is awful, I think everyone will agree that death is the ultimate source of suffering.   We wail, and scream and carry on when we are confronted with death.  But death is actually the end of suffering for some; we make a choice to continue it by the way we greet it or say goodbye to it.   Sickness, hunger, homelessness, abuse, neglect these are all base sufferings.  Yet we will focus more on the fact that we eat too much, our home isn't big enough, its been two weeks since she has called me and paid attention to me.   Silly needless suffering.  
          When you are feeling down, abused, neglected, taken advantage of, under paid, over tired, hungry, overworked, depressed for no reason remember those in the world who are truly suffering.   Then get involved.   You don't have to go out and volunteer at a soup kitchen all you have to do is something; you can help an elderly person out to their car with grocery's.  Open a door for someone, smile at a stranger, say good morning, read something philosophical, garden, get a pet, eat better, go for a walk, talk to a friend, talk to your family.  The idea is to just go do something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and making the suffering worse then it needs to be.   You are the one who chooses the level of your suffering regardless of what the suffering is.  
          There is something called the weeping Buddha.   They are usually carved out of wood.  It is a Buddha hunched over in fetal position with his hands covering his head and legs crossed.   He is meditating on suffering; giving up to it.  He reminds us that there are greater things in the world then our own selfish sufferings.  I guarantee that this Buddha would never meditate on the injustice of not being able to afford a bigger house or choosing to quit school cause its too hard.   
          Suffering is given to us to put life in its proper perspective. I am a HUGE advocate of a good cry, ask anyone who knows me, I am also a big advocate of a good rant and even a good rage quit every once in awhile.  But only if these are not a bad habit that supports an addictive lifestyle.  Addiction is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes sever trauma.  While this definition specifically says narcotics we all know that there are addictions to non narcotics.  Including behaviors.    
          Do we avoid suffering because we are afraid?   Or do we engage in suffering in hopes of gaining experience and wisdom?  It is a hard path to choose and follow, but I fully intend to find the wisdom and ease at the other end.   Hope to see you there.

What If

          When did the word involved become such a dirty word?  I don't get it.   What if it has something to do with the level of involvement?  Or maybe its that people don't want to get involved at all?  Then how do we know when to get involved and when not to?  Too many questions which led me to start researching this whole involved word.
          According to Dictionary.com involved is defined as very intricate or complex; implicated, concerned in some affair, especially in a way likely to cause danger or unpleasantness.   Being committed, engaged, as in a cause or movement.  Engaged is to be busy or occupied; involved, or to enter into conflict with.   A conflict is a fight, battle, or struggle, controversy, quarrel.   So perhaps people think that because being involved has words associated with it like danger and unpleasant; because it causes us to engage ourselves in something, that could possible lead to conflict, we keep clear of it.   hmmmmm   But what if that, to a certain extent, was morally against our character?  And what if it was also contrary to a healthy society?
           I have worked in the social fields for over 24 years now.  First child development ( known by many who don't take the field seriously as child care or day care; although where day care came from I don't know I have never cared for days only children)  then social work, which I am now going back to school for; that or developmental psychology.    Anyways...in both fields there is, with out a doubt, involvement.   
          Early on I realized and learned that in order to keep my sanity, and to keep from being burnt out, I needed to have boundaries.  In any social field of work that is hard.  In order to be effective at what you do you have to be personal, but not so personal as to suddenly become friends with that recovering drug addict trying to get his/her kids back.  Personal enough to know when to, or not to, turn someone in for abuse and/or neglect;  but not so personal as you can't turn someone in for suspected abuse/neglect.   
          It takes a special kind of personality to be in any social field of work.   I am in the people field because I have a co-dependent personality.  Most long term social workers will admit the same thing.   It is far easier and healthier to help those who actually need help, then to randomly help friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family, in laws, their kids, their kids spouses, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins twice removed, their pets....well you get the picture.  You also need to be a great listener and know how to assess an environment and the people in it in under 10 minutes with out, and here's the trick, WITHOUT being judgmental.  You also need to know the difference between conflict and confrontation.  Confrontation is bringing together ideas; it gets things done in a healthy, productive form of communication.  Conflict does not.   Being involved is a fine art and is not for the weak.
          I am known for stirring the pot or poling the bear.  It is a tool I use to end drama, get information I need in a hurry and teach.   Recently I stirred the pot in a big way.  A dear friend of the family shared that they had information concerning someone they knew; this information, when shared, ended up being that they knew someone who was threatening suicide........huh........   Sure I could have been like thousands, hundreds of thousands, of other people in the world who choose to ignore that information.  Brushing if off to someone looking for attention, being over emotional, out of control and/ or with out guidance.  Could have decided to ignore it hoping that it would go away.   BUT....what if it didn't go away?  Or worse yet, what if the situation went away because the kid actually followed through with the threat of suicide?   
         So I went up to the place where everyone hung out and proceeded to assess the environment and the people in it.   Then, to sum it up briefly, I recruited a couple of young adults to intervene.  No one was happy about it.   Everyone wanted nothing to do with the situation; didn't want the drama, or to get involved.   The Pith of the Matter was however, someone needed to get involved.   
http://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/tools/exchange/serving-sexual-minority-youth-with-open-arms/suicide-prevention/red-flags-for-suicide
          This is a website that gives the red flags for suicide.   Number one for calling 911 is threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself.   Knowing when to be involved and under what conditions is crucial to living an emotionally healthy, full filling, successful life.   At the end we will not judge our success by the cars we drive, the home we live in, the labels on out clothes, the trips we take, etc.   We will define our success by how we are loved and how we love. 
          Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  Does it have to be for someone you know?  I personally don't think so.  When you have a deep, profoundly tender affection for yourself as a person it is easy to project that to others.
          Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune.  This is accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.  The kid in question who threatened suicide was exiting a long term relationship.   This person is young and feels, like all young adults, intensely.   I felt for him even though I didn't know him; we've all been there.  There were many behaviors that said to me that this person was in need of someone paying attention to what he was going through.   People were paying attention to him, but for the wrong reasons.    ( ...the pot stirring brought all the meat to the surface.)  
          Recognizing and choosing to deal with suffering doesn't mean that you take it upon yourself to eradicate all the suffering in the world.  You choose to do what you can when you can with what you have.   You set your boundaries according to your morals.   Making this choice is never easy.  It is never suppose to feel easy or happy.   You know being involved was the right thing to do when someones life is better for it in the long run.   
          In the span of my career I have had to make many phone calls to the abuse hotline in order to save a child and the child's family.   I believe and work from the whole family perspective; that in order for a child to have a healthy successful life the whole family has to be involved.  Making the decision to have a child removed from a home and put into foster care does not, from the surface, meet or support those beliefs.  Or does it?   Most family's, when faced with loosing their children, pull it together.  They stop their addictions.  They stop criminal pursuits.   They stop carrying guns, getting in fights, beating up on family.   They get jobs, they go to school and they feel better about themselves.   The children of these family's are the most blessed because they got to see positive changes made for their benefit.  They learned first hand from the role models they value most how people can change for the better.
          There are some kids, however, who never receive these wonderful gifts from care givers.  They grow up thinking that they are not worthy and wander the world lost in anger and confusion and they communicate in anger and confusion.  That is where we all come in.   Making a choice to be involved, to share wisdom, experience, time, and ear is NEVER the wrong thing to do.  Yes, I admit, life is so much quieter with out drama and upset.   But how worse the drama and upset would have been if the kid choose to go through with his threats.  I never feel guilt or remorse for being involved.  I know my boundaries.  Learn, and define yours and you will feel better about when and how to get involved.


Don't get so caught up in the what ifs that you stop dealing with the what ifs.....