A Love Story

        

Sam KeenYou come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

          Someone else who I mention often but have never really wrote about; my hubby.  :)   I know this is going to sound corney but our relationship is a love story.  Truley.  I will share why.
          Hubby and I have been together since 1981.  I picked him up in a bar...yes its true.  I was going through some challanges at the time and was only 20.  A girl friend and I would hit the bars every opportunity we had.  We danced, drank, and met people. 
          During one of these such outings I eyed my husband on quarter beer night across the bar...he saw me also, but never made a move.  He was sitting with a group of people so when I saw one of the girls sitting at his table get up to go to the bathroom I followed and struck up a conversation with her; she invited me to sit with them at their table, which I did, one thing led to another.   Hubby (then to become boyfriend) and I danced and talked until closing time (last call).  He wanted me to go home with him but I said no, I had to work in the morning.  I gave him my phone number and he called!  We dated for a bit.  He saw me through the passing of my mother, my 21st birthday, moving into my own place, job transtions, health issues (which included multiple surgerys) along with other challanges.
          He would spend the night with me sometimes and then something interesting happened.  One day I realized he had never gone home?   Love had never been mentioned...yet.   But the whole relationship thing was working.  He cleaned, he cooked, he did laundry! Then something else happened. 
          I realized one day while being introduced by my girlfriend to a pretty good looking guy that I was comparing him to my husband...uh oh.   I went home and decided to risk it.  I said I love you to my boyfriend (hubby)...horror or horrors...he just looked at me with a scared shocked look.  Well, I thought, that is that.   He said something like," I dont know what you want me to say," and I replied with something like," well if the obvious doesnt hit you then I guess there is nothing for you to say."  I went home.  
          But he called again, and we still continued to date.  Then, one day, we are driving down the road and he suddenly says,"I love you too."  JOY!  I knew it all the time.  :)  If he hadnt offically moved in with me up to that point after that he had.
         One day we went to his house and his mother was home.   She asked him,"Are you ever moving back home?"  He replied,"well we're kinda engaged."  I stood there stunned...huh? wtf?  We had really never discussed this.  His mom got out the family rings and gave them to him and he gave them to me.  On the way home I asked if he really meant that?  Or was he just trying to avoid a confrontation with his mother.  He said he meant it.  Later after we got the rings sized he picked them up...I not knowing they were ready, got down on one knee and officially proposed.  I, of course, said yes.  :)  We were married in 1984 at the age of 22; our first born was born in 86, our second in 92.
         Let me tell you what I have learned.   Marrigage is by far the hardest career I have ever dedicated myself to.  That is exactly what it is.  A career...not a job.   When my husband and I married we basically decided that divorce would never be an option.  Yeah sometimes we have a huge arguement and the threat is thrown out there in frustration but once we calm down we both realize that life would be empty with out the other.   Our life together has been far from perfect.   But all the decisions we have ever made have been based on what is right for OUR family.  Our family does not include our parents, our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends.  It is he and I and our children.   This is a very difficult thing to do... the right thing.   Many decisions required us loosing persons who we cared for.   But we realized that if we made decisions based on what others thought we should do our marriage, and family, would not survive.   Extended family has a tendancy to want to protect and save you.  This usually entails them suggesting things like leave (him or her) and come home.   But their home is not your home anymore.  Your home is with your spouse and kids, it is what the two of built, and want to build together.
          Our relationship has endured challanges that would break many other couples apart.   Not an exageration.   Loosing a home, loosing jobs, poverty, drugs, infidelity, toddlerhood, puberty and the teens, loosing loved ones to death (and other), moving multiple times, including two times across country, nervous breakdowns, and all kinds of challanges not mentioned.   But our marriage endured, infact it always became stronger.   I think part of it is because we both knew that many of those things that either of us went through really had nothing to do with the other person, or the family; they were all personal issues.   We both always told ourselves, and our kids that that is not your father, or that is not your mother.   We were not always petient with these phases, there was screaming, and yelling and threats, but we never followed through on them.  We loved each other.
          Years ago I was at work and one of my younger employees asked me what was the secret to being married so long.   I say adaptability and forgiveness.   She looked at me with a frown so I explained.  I said people change; getting into a relationship believing that the person you married is the person you will always be married to is unrealistic, that is why it is so important to have conversations about expectations for the future that include basic moral and value systems.   Those basic morals and values will always be intact.   If he is a giving, compassionate, empathetic person, when you meet him, with strong faith, chances are he will always be that way...even when he is going through a tough time.   Your marriage will change, both of you will change, learn to adapt to that and your relationship will sustain. 
           Forgiveness is important because we all make mistakes.  In a marriage some of them will be doozy's.   When we make mistakes we learn.  If you can not forgive mistakes in your spouse then how can you expext him (or her) to forgive mistakes you make?   And if you have children what are you role modeling to them?  We all learn at different paces; be petient and forgive.  
          Then she asked how did you know he was the one?  I replied,"He rocks my world."  and I smiled.   He doesnt always rock it in a good way, but he keeps me on my toes, he challanges me, he doesnt let me fail, and he always loves me.   So many people say they need someone to make them laugh and that is most certainly important, but what happens when the laughter stops?  Because there will be times when both of you are unable to laugh. 
          So is the marriage suddenly not working anymore and you are done?  What if suddenly he is not making enough money, or doesnt pay attention to you, or looks at other women too much, or spends too much time in front of the computer, or watches too much tv, or doesnt pick up after himself....bleh.   I was always able to work through all of those issues.   Its called negotiation and compromise.   You want him to give up something for you then be prepared to do the same.  There must be equality and fairness in a marriage for it to endure.
         Some women say I got a good one.   Well duh!  Of course I did.   He does laundry, he cooks (great), he is a great dad, contributes to the house, and he has learned and grown as a person.   He puts up with my female out bursts, my crying jags, and my sometimes need to have everything very clean.   If I tell him to go away cause I am feeling anti social he does with out getting all but hurt about it.  (Infact I think he is secretly relieved.)  BUT I do things that he needs too.   He still needs to be reminded to him pick up after himself, not leave coke bottles all over, fold laundry when its not his, clean up after himslef in the kitchen, and to stop, and give me a hug.   He has to be toldm still that teasing and romance are not the same things, and sarcasm is not always funny and really not a clear form of communication.   But none of these are deal breakers!   A deal breaker is constant physical and/or emotional abuse.  A deal breaker is an addiction that does not go away and casues harm to someone, whether it is them or someone else.   A deal breaker is infidelity that leads to the end of love; which means it was more than likely never there to begin with.
          So what am I saying here?  The Pith of the Matter.   My husband and I have never considered ourselves role models to anyone but our kids, but after being together for 31 years that is what we have become and it is because we just love each other.   Adapt, forgive and no matter what the hell is going on in your life if the other one needs you you drop everything that you are doing and be by there side then you drop everything and be by there side.   Does this mean give up who you are?  No, we still love each other cause we like who we are as individulas first, we are friends with each other and our selves first.   No on, and I mean no one, should ever come between you and your spouse.   Yes kids come first, ( you notice I say kids) but if their lives are such a mess (as teens and young adults) that it is causing martital problems then it is time to use some tough love with them.    It teaches your children how to prioritize and set boundaries.  Never embarrass each other in public, never second guess a decision in front of other (especially children) and never belittle each other.   *Those are tings we learned as our relationship progressed)  You know that saying that goes something like you treat the ones you love most the worst because you are closest to them?  Once again I say bleh.   You treat the ones you love the best.  They are the ones you want around, they are the ones who will love and support you.   You dont want to take them for granted.
          In the end, after all is said and done I would not have my life be any different.   I would not choose to escape any challange.  ANd I am forever grateful that everything was shared with my husband.  Yes some things have left some memorys that hurt, but they have also encouraged growth.   ANd the good memorys far out weigh the bad ones. My husbnad and I have what we need in life to be very happy and content.  If we lost everything we own we would still be happy and content because we have everything we need to be happy.   He still rocks my world.  :)