What If

          When did the word involved become such a dirty word?  I don't get it.   What if it has something to do with the level of involvement?  Or maybe its that people don't want to get involved at all?  Then how do we know when to get involved and when not to?  Too many questions which led me to start researching this whole involved word.
          According to Dictionary.com involved is defined as very intricate or complex; implicated, concerned in some affair, especially in a way likely to cause danger or unpleasantness.   Being committed, engaged, as in a cause or movement.  Engaged is to be busy or occupied; involved, or to enter into conflict with.   A conflict is a fight, battle, or struggle, controversy, quarrel.   So perhaps people think that because being involved has words associated with it like danger and unpleasant; because it causes us to engage ourselves in something, that could possible lead to conflict, we keep clear of it.   hmmmmm   But what if that, to a certain extent, was morally against our character?  And what if it was also contrary to a healthy society?
           I have worked in the social fields for over 24 years now.  First child development ( known by many who don't take the field seriously as child care or day care; although where day care came from I don't know I have never cared for days only children)  then social work, which I am now going back to school for; that or developmental psychology.    Anyways...in both fields there is, with out a doubt, involvement.   
          Early on I realized and learned that in order to keep my sanity, and to keep from being burnt out, I needed to have boundaries.  In any social field of work that is hard.  In order to be effective at what you do you have to be personal, but not so personal as to suddenly become friends with that recovering drug addict trying to get his/her kids back.  Personal enough to know when to, or not to, turn someone in for abuse and/or neglect;  but not so personal as you can't turn someone in for suspected abuse/neglect.   
          It takes a special kind of personality to be in any social field of work.   I am in the people field because I have a co-dependent personality.  Most long term social workers will admit the same thing.   It is far easier and healthier to help those who actually need help, then to randomly help friends, family, friends of friends, friends of family, in laws, their kids, their kids spouses, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins twice removed, their pets....well you get the picture.  You also need to be a great listener and know how to assess an environment and the people in it in under 10 minutes with out, and here's the trick, WITHOUT being judgmental.  You also need to know the difference between conflict and confrontation.  Confrontation is bringing together ideas; it gets things done in a healthy, productive form of communication.  Conflict does not.   Being involved is a fine art and is not for the weak.
          I am known for stirring the pot or poling the bear.  It is a tool I use to end drama, get information I need in a hurry and teach.   Recently I stirred the pot in a big way.  A dear friend of the family shared that they had information concerning someone they knew; this information, when shared, ended up being that they knew someone who was threatening suicide........huh........   Sure I could have been like thousands, hundreds of thousands, of other people in the world who choose to ignore that information.  Brushing if off to someone looking for attention, being over emotional, out of control and/ or with out guidance.  Could have decided to ignore it hoping that it would go away.   BUT....what if it didn't go away?  Or worse yet, what if the situation went away because the kid actually followed through with the threat of suicide?   
         So I went up to the place where everyone hung out and proceeded to assess the environment and the people in it.   Then, to sum it up briefly, I recruited a couple of young adults to intervene.  No one was happy about it.   Everyone wanted nothing to do with the situation; didn't want the drama, or to get involved.   The Pith of the Matter was however, someone needed to get involved.   
http://ncfy.acf.hhs.gov/tools/exchange/serving-sexual-minority-youth-with-open-arms/suicide-prevention/red-flags-for-suicide
          This is a website that gives the red flags for suicide.   Number one for calling 911 is threatening to hurt or kill himself/herself.   Knowing when to be involved and under what conditions is crucial to living an emotionally healthy, full filling, successful life.   At the end we will not judge our success by the cars we drive, the home we live in, the labels on out clothes, the trips we take, etc.   We will define our success by how we are loved and how we love. 
          Love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.  Does it have to be for someone you know?  I personally don't think so.  When you have a deep, profoundly tender affection for yourself as a person it is easy to project that to others.
          Compassion is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune.  This is accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.  The kid in question who threatened suicide was exiting a long term relationship.   This person is young and feels, like all young adults, intensely.   I felt for him even though I didn't know him; we've all been there.  There were many behaviors that said to me that this person was in need of someone paying attention to what he was going through.   People were paying attention to him, but for the wrong reasons.    ( ...the pot stirring brought all the meat to the surface.)  
          Recognizing and choosing to deal with suffering doesn't mean that you take it upon yourself to eradicate all the suffering in the world.  You choose to do what you can when you can with what you have.   You set your boundaries according to your morals.   Making this choice is never easy.  It is never suppose to feel easy or happy.   You know being involved was the right thing to do when someones life is better for it in the long run.   
          In the span of my career I have had to make many phone calls to the abuse hotline in order to save a child and the child's family.   I believe and work from the whole family perspective; that in order for a child to have a healthy successful life the whole family has to be involved.  Making the decision to have a child removed from a home and put into foster care does not, from the surface, meet or support those beliefs.  Or does it?   Most family's, when faced with loosing their children, pull it together.  They stop their addictions.  They stop criminal pursuits.   They stop carrying guns, getting in fights, beating up on family.   They get jobs, they go to school and they feel better about themselves.   The children of these family's are the most blessed because they got to see positive changes made for their benefit.  They learned first hand from the role models they value most how people can change for the better.
          There are some kids, however, who never receive these wonderful gifts from care givers.  They grow up thinking that they are not worthy and wander the world lost in anger and confusion and they communicate in anger and confusion.  That is where we all come in.   Making a choice to be involved, to share wisdom, experience, time, and ear is NEVER the wrong thing to do.  Yes, I admit, life is so much quieter with out drama and upset.   But how worse the drama and upset would have been if the kid choose to go through with his threats.  I never feel guilt or remorse for being involved.  I know my boundaries.  Learn, and define yours and you will feel better about when and how to get involved.


Don't get so caught up in the what ifs that you stop dealing with the what ifs.....