Never Never Land: or Facebook 101

“For long the two enemies looked at one another, Hook shuddering slightly, and Peter with the strange smile upon his face.
"So, Pan," said Hook at last, "this is all your doing."
"Ay, James Hook," came the stern answer, "it is all my doing."
"Proud and insolent youth," said Hook, "prepare to meet thy doom."
"Dark and sinister man,“For long the two enemies looked at one another, Hook shuddering slightly, and Peter with the strange smile upon his face.
"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan




          A couple of years ago, out of curiosity, and because my youngest son was using it, I started a Facebook account.  I had a MySpace page for a bit then and was told it wasnt cool anymore; so being the cool, good, involved mom that I try to be I switched to Facebook.  This whole online communication thing to me was strange, and still continues to be so.  I think many people of my generation feel the same way.  It is often percieved as having mor cons than pro's.  Good because it does give an opportunity to keep in touch with people whom you might not otherwise be able to.  Bad becasue...well...people seem to get too caught up in it and it recieves far more attention than it deserves. 
          I am a Facebook pariaha because I only have 64 friends and to tell you the truth Im not quite sure all of these can be considered close friends, some are aquaintances, some are friends of my sons and some are family; BUT they all share one ting and that is respect.  I am careful in whom I allow to post and view my post on Facebook.  I do not allow clients to have access to this, I do not allow employers (and from time to time employees) to have it, and I am careful about which teachers (currently none) have this information.  My Facebook page is for me to be able to socialize with people and keep in contact with persons whom, as ppreviously metnioned, I would not be able to do so.  It does not reflect my professional life; I keep my private and my professional life seperate.  If I have a strictly professional relationship with someone I would not consider giving this person access to my private life.  It really is none of my employers, instructors, co-workers, clients business what I do on my own time.  I can say this with confidence because I feel that I, and my family, lead a good, happy, contened life with nothing to be embarrassed by. 
          If you are on my Facebook page it is because I trust you and know you accept me, my family, and my life with out judgement and I feel the same about you.  YES...(because I know my sons friends at this point are gafawing me) I use it to keep track of my sons goings ons; BUT they know that I trust and respect them, even if I do from time to time question some of their choices (question being the opporitive word here.  I do not insist they do what I think is right for them, I just want to make sure that they feel they are doing the right thing.) 
          Anywho...I periodically clean house on my Facebook page, not because I have stopped respecting anyone...well I take that back, but it is a rarity, but because I dont want to be a collector of people.  I want to surround myself with people who are active in my life and vice versa.  I have blocked a small handful of people.  I will explain why because this is The Pith of the Matter.
I actually like Facebook it is another interesting venue to b eable to express point of views, thoughts, opinions etc.  You can do this all sorts of ways, simple little quotes, thumbnail pics of art works historical or not, Comics, website attachements, real photos, the list really is endless.   It is the electronic version of freedom of speech.  AHA there it is...freedom of speech.
 
http://www.uscourts.gov/EducationalResources/ClassroomActivities/FirstAmendment/WhatDoesFreeSpeechMean.aspx
          Here is a site for you so you can read in detail.  The first ammendment basically says,"Congress shall make no law...abridging freedom of speech."  So bare with me cause this is where it gets interesting.  This law enables us to post all kinds of opposing views concerning politics, religion, etc. on our Facebook with out fear of retribution from the government.  BUT it does not protect us from other people on Facebook.
          I will give you an example.   During the last Presidential election I did not vote.   This does not make me a poor American, no where does it state that as an American I HAVE to vote, it states that I have the right to vote.  I CHOOSE not to vote because, frankly, I didnt much care for any of the canidates and I dont believe in voting for the lesser of two evils.  (Not literally evil,,,just a saying.)  I stated my view point on Facebook and an old friend from Facebook fired back,"If your not going to vote then shut up."  Well....huh...interesting; I always respond to bullying.  (NOT)
          Another example I have watched, for some time now, is two people on my Facebook constantly jumping on each others shit for expressing opposing view points.  One is admittedly trolling the other on purpose because, well honestly the other person keeps on falling for it.  But I think I can safely say to both these persons (and you know who you are) that we are all over it.  This example goes beyond the normal trolling scenario because both people are percieved by many around them as taking, what the other person has said, very personally.
           Heres the thing that all of us, including me from time to time, forgets.   When we express a point of view, opinion, or make a comment regarding something everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has the right in America to express an opposing point of view.   What perplexes me is why do people take it so personally?  I mean really?  Get ready cause I am about to drop a truth bomb.  IF you feel confident about your morals, values, points of view etc etc then why is it so important to you that everyone you know feel exactly as you do about it and agree with you?  Isnt that a lack of confidence?  
          A couple of months ago my husband and I had, what we percieved as, a fun, intellectual discussion regarding Darwins natural selection theory on Facebook.   Personally I dont care for the theory, I dont think it is relevant in todays world.  Humans have progressed past the idea of natural selection and I think WW2 proved that it was bullshit.  In current psychology books and information Darwin is rarely referenced anymore; credit is given only for his theory of evolution, which still holds some merit.   The person rage quit...unfortunate.   I assume it was because he felt he was loosing....but loosing what?  I was not attempting to take anything from him, only expresing politely and respectfully my point of view.  By the way many people were watching the thread and engaged in it, we all enjoyed ourselves.
          All these instances got me to thinking.  Why does this happen?  I think that people are use to percieving much of life these days in anger and frustration.  So as soon as someone expresses an opposing view point the first thing is to react with anger and frustration.  They do not respond, even though one of the choices is always to respond.  These are the same people who get down right biligerant about their Facebook page.   "ITS my page dammit Ill psot what ever the hell I want."  Well the thought is nice, but the presentation sucks.

http://www.facebook.com/page_guidelines.php  
http://www.stevebarnes.net/top-10-facebook-rules-and-regulations/  
http://www.facebook.com/legal/terms  
          Here are three sites that give information on how to effectively use Facebook.  I encourage everyone to read them.
          A couple of other things to consider.  If you are so obsessed with Facebook that
 1.) you spend more than 30 minutes a day (and honestly that to me is still alot of time, you can paruse through home page and your page in about 10 minutes,) 
 2.) have more than 100 people on your page (and this does not count high school pages or advertsing pages, this refers to personal pages only)         
 3.) Dont know who even some of the people on your page are.
 4.) Call these strangers friends.  And finally
 5.) Take what ever you see on the internet and post it on Facebook as the honest truth and absolute last word on anything;
YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!!
Facebook is a tool to make communication fun and easy.  Like any tool if it is not used correctly it causes injury.
          Just to give myself a reality check I will tell you that my Facebook, as a whole, is usually full of postive, peacfull messages.  I think people are thrown of guard when they see me post other wise.  I know that my peace filled page irritates some people.  I am not always that peace filled.  But I am human and realistic.  I continue to post peaceful messages because that is what I beleive and strive for.  And in my opinion it is far better then messages full of hate...what ever that means to you.  It is easy for me to continue psoting what I do because I feel it to be the right thing for ME.   I look at my friends and familys posts, some I like, some I dont.  BUT I am never insulted if I post something and no one likes it or someone (Buddha forbid) posts an opposing comment.  It is their opinion.  This rarely happens however and I think it is because I dont feel the need to gain approval concerning my personal view points (for one) and (secondly) I dont just let anyone friend me and vice versa.
           Come on people, in real life you cant be friends with everyone.  You cant have everyones approval all the time and not everyone is going to like you all the time.  Facebook IS NOT the real world!!! 
          We all know the story of Peter Pan and the Lost boys and how they didnt want to grow up.   They lived in a fantasy world, surrounded by danger but most of the time taking it all very lightly, treating it like a game.  It wasnt until someones life was in danger that suddenly their world became very real to them.   I am not saying that Facebook is dangerous, but for those who choose to get lost in its never never land quality it can be.  

“Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

A Child Called Time

     

Time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Now you always say
That you want to be free
But you'll come running back (said you would baby)
Youll come running back (I said so many times before)
Youll come running back to me

Oh, time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Youre searching for good times
But just wait and see
Youll come running back (I wont have to worry no more)
Youll come running back (spend the rest of my life with you, baby)
Youll come running back to me

Go ahead, go ahead and light up the town
And baby, do everything your heart desires
Remember, I'll always be around
And I know, I know
Like I told you so many times before
Youre gonna come back, baby
Cause I know
Youre gonna come back knocking
Yeah, knocking right on my door
Yes, yes!

Well, time is on my side, yes it is
Time is on my side, yes it is

Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need
Youll come running back (said you would, baby)
Youll come running back (I always said you would)
Youll come running back, to me
Yes time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
I said, time, time, time is on my side, yes it is
Oh, time, time, time is on my side
Yeah, time, time, time is on my side
-The Rolling Stones




           I have always rebelled a little against the concept of time.  Infact... quite a few people I know do.  The ones, like myself, who try to be realistic about it understand that time was a man created concept used to organize, and to a certain extent, control society(s).   Knowing when, why, and how this idea is used is what encourages, and supports, us to have a healthy perspective of time; and in turn a happy organized feeling lifestyle.. 
          On the flip side are the people who think they are rebelling but really only are percieved by those around them as being out of control.  These people are identified primarily by being late for almost everything, except their jobs, because frankly, at some point, they probably lost a job because of it; and lets face it having no money is not fun.  (But this is an example of a person who is really, when they put their mind to it, capable of learning how to manage time.)  These people expect everyone around them, selfishly, to understand their reasons for always being late.   They have so many things going on that, basically, they are unable to manage their time.  So time ends up manageing them.
          For these people the idea of rebelling against time does not work.  In order to rebel effectivily you must first be able to grasp fully, and wholly, what you are rebelling against, you must be able to not let what you are rebelling against control you; finally and most importantly, you must be able to control yourself with in the environment that you are rebelling against.  Since what we are talking about here is time rebelling against it means being in control of yourself...well...the majority of the time.  Taking into consideration, always, that we are human and make mistakes and are subject to the human nature of others.
          Time kinda fascinates me.  It really does intrude upon every aspect of our lives.  We set our alarms in the morning and time tells us when to wake up.  We have set schedules, controlled by a time frame, for work, school, meetings, dates, etc.   We know when it is time to pay a bill, get payed, and pay attention to family, friends, pets, and ourselves.  We know exactly how much time can pass before we perform maintenance on our vehicles, our homes, our yards, our gardens, our health, and our emotional and/or mental well being.   Our so you would think....But I am here to explain to you that some people do not grasp this concept.
          Whether this is do to some true challange in understanding, coping, and or grasping time I dont know.  In my perception of people, based on what I have observed over 25+ years in my career, I personally feel, and believe that their are very few people who are unable to grasp the concept of time.  They choose not to.  The reasons behind this, I feel, run a gambit of excuses and reasons; they dont know how, they were never taught how, they lack the ability to respect not only others, but at the core, themselves, which leads me to the victim attitude... the ultimate handicap.   They, for what ever multitude of reasons, and excuses, they give,"just cant."  Bleh....  Given the tools to manage time anyone can do it.   Cant help anyone who doesnt want to help themselves though.  So time management is a choice.
          I am personally happy to rebell against time.   Over the years my hubby and I have learned that the best way to tell time to fuck off is to have at least one day, a week, where we do absolutely nothing, or only what we feel like doing.  We also have learned, however, that when we do too much of what ever we want time kicks us in the ass and takes control of our lives. 
          Time likes to be payed attention to and when you do not give the devil his due he has a way of making the universe turn to do his bidding.  Things start falling behind, things dont get done, people dont get attention, YOU dont get attention, and before you know it you are in this dark hole that time allowed you to dig.  YOU being the opportive word here.  Time is pretty sneaky, it doesnt have to do a damn thing really, it only needs to sit back and watch you screw everything up all on your own.  Time is like a child that needs to be lovingly petiently and thoughtfully disciplined.  I think that is why so many of us get better at managing time when we become parents; not all mind you, but most.
          So what is The Pith of the Matter with time you ask?  Well let me tell you, It is not that I have to spend at least one hour of my week writing everything down on a calander, it is not that I have to look at my watch as I joyfully scream down the road, stereo blaring then have my speed nirvana interupted by time.  It is not that at least 90% of my life has time playing such a huge important role in it.  I have learned that time works with me when I pay attention to it.  I make it happy it makes me happy.  What interupts my happy relationship with time is how there are some people who dont understand that when they dont respect time they are disrespecting others around them.   AND Buddha help you if you point out how you rushed home to help them out only to sit there for 30 minutes (every week because these people are consistently late) while they go out to eat first and visit with people.  I havnt eaten yet because I was busy hurrying home and being respectful of the agreed upon time line that we made together to help you out! 
          Being Buddhist I will always try to use love and compassion and negotiate something that works for everyone.  But these people who just run with the devil (time) and not give it the respect it deserves are in so deep that time is now its evil soul draining sucubus.  It has grown from an ignored petelant spoiled child to an over indulged adolescent hormonal nightmare and it has taken up a firm crazy residence in their head.  It is the fun govenor of their lives.
          How do I know this?  Well as I have stated often I never presume to write about anything that I have not already experienced myself.  And it is not just by watching everyone else; it is by personal experience, making my own msitakes, and being accountable to them that I have learned.   If time is taking up too much of my life then it is time to rebel and take control of it myself.  
          Rebel is defined as a person who refuses allegiance to, resists, or rises in arms against the government or ruler of his or her country.  A person who resists any authroity, control or tradition.
http://inside.fdu.edu/fdupress/03121801.html  Here is a great piece on how to be a great rebel.  The point here is that so often we only examine the surface of our, or some one elses actions, because looking past the surface is hard.  It requires addtional thinking, additional work, coming out of our confort zone, and more often than not a confrontation of some kind.  Once again the reminder that confrontation is good, conflict is bad.
           As Americans so many of us have become accustomed to living a life controled by time that we have become complacent and have made the choice to observe only on the surface what the ramifications of being controlled by time, mostly defined by the falicy of the American Dream (and the people who perpetuate that dream) is truely doing to us.   If you really want to rebel against this idea then you dont live by a defintion of the American Dream driven by a false definition of time , and the ignorance of people who choose to support it; all of which is driven by the American Dream.  (see that nasty endless circle it creats?)   YOU define what the American Dream means to you and make it work with in the time frame of your choosen lifestyle.
          YES we live in a society where we are very privledged to have so much at our disposal and be able to make so many choices; we have that FREEDOM.  What I dont get though is why do so many of us choose to be ruled by things that are truley with in our control?  Time at the top of that list.  We can vote but we dont always get what, or whom, we vote for.  We can get educated but we dont always get the career of our choice.  We get married, have children and build a life but it is more often than not NOT the life we dreamed of.  But through all of that there is time.  How we choose to face time is what truley makes the difference between anger and happiness in our lives.
          At the end of time, when time has become suddenly very limited, and completely out of your control; and it is holding your hand on your death bed breathing gentle whispers of love and compassion in your ear will you firmly and lovingly grasp its hand back or will you push that hand away in anger and blame.  I guarentee if you choose anger time will shed a tear for you.  Time is our greatest teacher, our greatest challange and our greatest supporter.  We can either rebel against it with a smile, love and peace; then gently, but firmly, take control of it, and lead it where we want it to go, or we can let it take control of us and choose to let it make us feel crazy and out of control.   Personally, I choose to hold its hand and lead it through my life letting it teach, and support me in all I need to be happy.   I hope everyone whom is involved in my personal time frame understands and respects this.  If not we have a far greater relationship problem then you always being late.

The Scraps of My Life

      

          When I was young, some 40 some odd years ago now, my grandmother, on my fathers side, kept scrap books.   She would peridoically pull these out and show them to her grandchildren.  I loved doing this with her.  I loved any opportunity to snuggle up close to her on the couch in the enclosed back porch; she was one of those soft shmooshy grandmas who loved to cook and bake and was always giving us good things to eat.  Sitting next ter her on the couch, one of her arms around me, warm and loving, while the scrap book was layed out on both our laps; turning the pages slowly, quietly, lovingly explaining every detail of what treasures they held with in was nirvana.  This memory recently taught me something. 
          Anyways...I sometimes go into the craft stores; I am not really a crafty person, I am artistic; I like to sketch, paint, etc., but ask me to come up with an idea for a window treatment, or a holiday center piece, and Ide rather just go out and buy one, or draw upon a friend, or family member, for their advice and talent.   I have noticed that every hobby store now has about four isles dedicated to scrap booking!  Isles of sheets of paper in different colors, and patterns. Isles of stamps, and ink pads, in all kinds of shapes, designs and colors.  Scrap books of different sizes, shapes and colors.  Stickers, ribbons, stencils, pens, markers, glue...the list is endless. 
          Sometimes I wander these isles in amazement and wonder.  I ponder over anyone who has the petience, time and imagination (oh yeah money cause this stuff is not cheep) to involve themselves in what appears to be such a huge project.  Then I think...modern day scrapbooking is an actual reflection of how society has evolved over the last 50 years... think about it. 
          When I was young, and sat next to my grandmother,looking through her scrap books they were full more of memorys, not, what appears to me now as, advertising.  The report card that belonged to my dad, given in the third grade, was surrounded by scraps of material from clothes he wore then, shoelaces from shoes, and the old Tiger emblem from his baseball hat.  A pressed rose given to her by my grandfather on valentines day was made more beautiful with an old greeting card and lace doilies ornamenting it.   The little baby foot print of mine was made by her using an old post office plain black stamp and had little pink ribbons and cards that she had cut storks and hearts out of, all backed by used wrapping paper.
          All of the remarks to each one of these memorys were written neatly with a plain black ink pen by her.  Every bit of memory, every little bit of scrap, in the scrap book was relevent to each other.  She kept it all and used it all to create a time line of our family.  Now scrap booking is this multimillion dollar enterprise.  People buy their memorys.  Photos are surrounded by the 20 dollar stamp with rainbow ink, a piece of paper that cost 2 dollars a sheet, stickers that cost 5 dollars a sheet, rub on letters, etc etc all of this bought in an effort to make a memory more beautiful and seem more worthy?  I dont get it...arnt memorys suppose to be wonderful enough without embellishing them?  Isnt embellishment a distortion of a kind?  A lie?  What happened to just drawing upon what we already have to make a memory a treasure?
          My grandmother grew up in the depression.  An era where you used something, then you used it again, and again, and again, until it was used up.  Our culture now is very disposable.   If it doesnt work most of the time we just buy another one.  If its too hard we dont try harder we just try something, or someone, else.   Remembering my grandmothers scrap books made me realize that she taught me something invaluable.   Every inch, every bit of our life holds meaning.   We can choose for it to be a happy great one, or we can throw it away and forget about it.  I think when we make an effort to keep the little scraps of our life precious we are remembering that it is the little things in life that truley do make a difference.  Those little things put our life into perspective and give it meaning when we contemplate why we are here.  We are here because of the little baby footprint, that report card from the third grade full of A's, and the pressed rose.  It is not for the 20 dollar store bought stamp!
          Over the last 26+ years of parenting, and 30 years of being with my hubby, I have collected an assortment of little pieces of paper, tidbits of clothing, scraps of wrapping paper, bits of ribbons and now keep them in a large rubber maid container that one day, upon my retirement, I will put into scrap books and show my grand kids (and who ever else wants to look at them.). It is a way of preserving family history which I feel, in this day and age, is very important. We live in a society where many of us live 100's, and even 1000's, of miles away from each other; sometimes seeing each other every few years, sometime not for decades. (Thank goodness for facebook and puters.) Making some kind of dedication to keeping memorys is important. 
         I think scrap books should reflect our lives, like our homes do.  Have you ever walked into someones house (and I say house because there is a difference between a house and a home) and it is a brand new beautiful house full of brand new things bought specifically for the house.  It looks wonderful that house with brand new floors, and fresh paint, new appliances, new furniture and every thing put away very neatly, color coordinated, onto the shelves.  But it lacks a kind of warm feeling I think?   I like the homes that are full of second hand furniture either passed down from family, or bought at a thrift, antique or second hand furniture store.  I like family photos all over telling silent stoys of family gatherings, individual achievements and happy moments.  Old houses are like old books, they store up the happy memorys and feelings of the family that lived and loved in them before you.  If it was a good story you can almost smell and feel it seeping out of the pages and the walls.
          I look around my home sometimes, especially after visiting one of thos pristine new homes, and feel a little...mmmm...lacking; like somehow my life and the life of my family is not that great because, well it doesnt represent alot of money and things.   But then I take a deep breath and smell the happiness, I look at the pictures on the walls and feel the happiness coming out of them.   I have colors in my house that most people would not think of using; but it makes my family happy.  It occurs to me looking around my home that it is just like my grandmothers scrap book that I loved so much.  Bits and pieces of things from all over all of which tell a story of a family.
         I just took a simple square orange vase from my BFF, why?  Well one it looks great on my blue retro table from the 50's bought in a second hand store, but I really took it because when I look at it I think of her.  :)   My dining room set came from my mother in law and she bought it second hand over 75 years ago from a jewsih family; you can still see the elbow indentations from sabbaths.  And now there are a few stains added that are memorys of holiday gatherings.  I can go through my home and tell a story of our family just by the pictures on the wall and the furniture alone; when you live thousands of miles away from family and have fragmented relationships with some of them being able to tell these storys to your kids is important.  It gives them, and you, a sense of belonging.  In a couple of months my son and his wife will be moving out of state, our adopted son may move back north and if our youngest has it his way he will be in Germany soon working for Mercedes.   How do you keep a family togehter when everyone is so far apart?   Scraps, you collect the bits and pieces of the memorable scraps of every precious memory in your life.  Life really is nothing more than a scrap book.  Save your memorys and keep them as honestly in tact as you can and then no matter how far away you are from loved ones you will always remember where those memorys originated.

Adolescence 101: The phase of perfect imperfections.

    "An adolescent is somebody who is in between things.  A teenager is somebody who's kinda permanently there.  And so living with them through the various teenage hopes and sorrows and joys was curiously enough a maturing experience for me." 
-Andrew Greeley

     

          What is this thing we call adolescence?  And why does it seem to be so difficult to go through; not only for the person experiencing it but for everyone around the adolescent experiencing it?   We all go through it.  In order to reach adult hood we have to first enter, and emerge, from adolescence.   But still, it really is the one phase of development that is the most trying for the majority of people.  Truth.  Not learning the critical aspects of the adolescent phase enables many adults.
          I like adolescence actually, next to 3 and 4 year olds it is my favorite stage.  The reason being, and this should bring a smile to all parents, two to four years olds are a great deal like adolescents.  Truley, think about it.   All are learning to problem solve and communicate.  All are suddenly expereincing a bigger world.  They are fascinated and frightened by this all at the same time.  They all throw huge fits and use language inappropriately.  The one major difference is speech.  Where as toddlers are still developing this and have no concept of swear words, adolescents do; they also have now acquired a huge vocabulary and understand how to use words.  Adolescents have also fine tuned the art of manipulation, which is good, it is exactly what they should know.  So now let me explain all of this.
          I have a dear friend who is having difficulty with one of her adolescent children.  I hope she doesnt mind me using her for this.   Let me start of by saying she is an awesome person; and I am not just saying that to ice over the fact that I am going to use her as an example (although she will not be the only example I use because I will need to use someone who is a far worse parent then her :) ).         
          Anyways...lets start off by defining adolescence. 
 http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=what+is+adolescence&btnG=&hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C10&as_vis=1
Adolescence actually starts at the age of 10 and goes until age 22; sometimes as long as 24 depending on the maturity of the individual.   Adolescence is basiclaly the phase of development that introduces puberty.  It is the transitional phase into adulthood.   Im sure all of us can remember, for the most part, the physical and emotional changes that we all went through during that time.  It is by far the longest phase of development for a reason.  There is a great book called Yes Your Teen Is Crazy written by Micheal J. Bradley.  This is a great book; you dont have to read it cover to cover, you can pick and choose what sections of the book you want to read as the need arises.  In this book there are two very significant things that Bradley talks about.  One is the changes to brain development in an adolescent.  Bradley says that if an adult was experiencing all the chemical imbalances in the brain and body that an adolescent was we would be institutionalized.   This is a significan statement and if given thought helps an adult, dealing with an adolescent just one important tool in using petience with a tenn/young adult.   The second is what he defines as The 10 Commandments of Parenting Your Teen.  Not really religiously driven, although it does sound that way; it is full of great humor and insight.  A must read.  :D  First lets look at brain development.
          There have been many improvement done on brain development, especially in adolescents.  Here are some sites for you to check out.  These are all scholarly publications.  http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=brain+development+in+adolescence&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=bvHuUIm-F4-K9QSQloDoAQ&ved=0CCwQgQMwAA
I can tell you what I know and remember as being important.  It has been observed and proven that teens and young adults are capable of doing everything that an adult can...with a few differences.         
          One-they are dealing with all that chemical imbalance stuff so a great deal of petience, guidance and support is needed.  
          Two-they more often than not are capable of doing much better than an adult; why?  Well they have yet to be caught up into the idea of the norm.  You know that ugly giant machine that says you are doing that wrong;  you need to do it like everyone else.  They still have the ability to be creative and have the energy to be creative with.  They will experiement with ideas, think outside the box using what is available to them...if given the room to do so.  
           BUT they will become frustrated easily more often then not and want to give up, which is why it is crucial to have a petient, supportive adult to say,"take a deep breath try again" or,"take a break and come back to it when you feel calmer."
          It has also now been proven that, aside from infancy through toddlehood, the adolescent brain is growing by leaps and bounds; taking in a HUGE amount of information.  Think about it...up until adolescence you, the parent, have been there to protect and do an awful lot for them.  Suddenly they are thrust into advanced social situations.  They spent more time with their friends, less time with you.   They spend more time alone, thinking of things on their own.  Which is exactly what you want them to do, so dont fret. 
          They suddenly have to observe very closely all kinds of things that you use to watch for them.   They are not only seeing all of their friends and family in their world differently, but all the strangers also.  And all those rules that you have been teaching them?   They suddenly are forced to try and not only remember, but to put into play.  Now dont forget that their brain is growing, and all areas of their body is full of chemicals they have never had before.  It is truley enough to make anyone, even the most logical level headed adult, act crazy.  So they roll their eyes, take deep cleansing breaths that look more like your such an idiot, slam doors in frustration, and experiement with language and behavior that make most parents ask where did my sweet little girl, or boy, go?  But fear not, this passes.  More importantly with every mistake, every eye roll, every deep sigh, every slamof the door, they learn they can do it on their own, which is what you want.
          I have this hypothesis, we need to hate our adolescent children, and have them hate us, in order to prepare for them leaving the house.   Lets face it, if they were wonderful human beings that we loved living with we would never support them leaving the house, and family, and starting their own life.  (Which means you and your hubby will never fully be able to enjoy every room of your home again...if you get me drift.)  It is the process.   Back to my friend.  In her horror her daughter spoke very disrespectfully to her in front of me.  But I want to say to her, its ok.  First of all Ive seen worse, and second of all it truley is a sign that she is parenting her daughter well.  :)  I would be far more shocked if her daughter was doing everything (at 20 years of age) that her mother wanted her to do with no problems.  Seriously, Ive been in houses where adolescents have had no opportunity to express themselves...it is not really pretty.  Usually these kids are being abused some how. 
          If your teen, or young adult, is being disrespectful to you, you are doing a good job.  If they hate you, think you are stupid, and argue with you GREAT!  They are questioning you.  You are the safe adult in the position to let them learn how to do this properally and respectfully.  With that said here are a few "tools" that a parent can use to save your sanity while teaching your ad.  We have already established that your adolescent is crazy right now for awhile, it will pass; but you have gone through this already, there is no need for your sanity to be questioned again.  So here are a few basic things you can use (and I have, and still do, use them).
1.)  The whisper voice.  People always look at me in disbelief when I suggest this one.  When you come from a family that is use to yelling to make a point it seems even crazier.  One of the things Ad's (adolescents) need to learn is how to communicate with out you in the real world.  What do they learn from you when you yell at them all the time?   So introduce the whisper voice.  I actually announced to my sons, at some point, that I have decided that I am not going to allow them to let me use up my precious energy by yelling at them anymore.  This was, and still is, energy that I could be putting towards things that I enjoy in life, reading, drawing, gardening.  After spending what ever amount of time was needed to yell at them all I wanted to do was escape into my room and veg infront of the tv. sometimes crying.   So instead I started whispering when I was really angry with them.  Now they know that when I start whispering they are in HUGE amounts of trouble.  They suddenly become very respectful.  AND they have to quiet down, and slow down to hear what I am saying.  What does this teach?   Respect for one, anger management, and how to communicate properally.  All my sons are exceptional at dealing with irate, crappy bosses, and customers, it has gotten them far in their careers.
          I had clients once who actually laughed out loud at the idea of the whisper voice.  I gave them my standard reply when confronted with disbelief,"Until you have tried using this for 30 days, it takes approximately 30 days to make or break a habit, then talk to the hand," and i would hold my palm up to them.  These clients were bikers, and not just any bikers, they were Outlaws, one percenters; so lucky for me my behavior and confidence gained their respect; so they tried it.  Low and behold, on one of our visits they said to me,"You know we started using the whisper voice instead of yelling, at first it was a joke and we laughed about it almost mocking it but then we found that it was working!"  They were one of my success storys, they got custody of their daughter back, both have good jobs and a home now.  I got a thank you card and a picture of their daughter after they got her back.  Try it, turst me, it works.
2.)  The time out, or calm down time.  It use to be used to put your kid into a corner, or their room, after behaving badly.  Now it is for you and teaches your kid once again how to communicate, and use their feelings appropriately so they will be listened to.  
          Isnt that what we all want in the end?  To have someone listen to use when things are crappy?  None of us want to listen to a ranting, raging, swearing disrespectful person who is spewing spit all over us while their face is two inches form ours while they sceam utter nonsence.  (Been there, with more clients then you know who have never learned, or been tuaght these skills.)   When your ad. begins to behave disrespectfully to you do the following in this order.  
a.) take a deep ceansing breath, make it noticeable so they can see that you dont like what is happening; but dont say or do anytihng else then this.
b.) listen...just sit there and watch and listen petiently.  Try to look through the behavior to what the real issue is; are they over tired from working and going to school at the same time?  Boyfriend or girlfriend problems?  Friend problems? Money (usually lack of) issue?  I know all of these seem small in comparrison to what we have to deal with daily, but remember, it is important to them and new to them. 
c.) when you think they are finished ask,"are you done?"  if they are not let them rant some more; repeat steps a, b and c until they are done.  Then do one of the next steps.  Ask did talking to you in that manner help them?  No matter what their answer is smile, take another deep breath and reply," I understand that you are still learning to communicate, but I would appreciate in the future if you try harder to speak nicely with me.  If you can perfect how you talk with me then talking to a boss, boyfriend, etc. will be a piece of cake for you."  They might at this point come back with why should I you never do, you then say,"you are right, but I have decided that I have been wasteing too much negative energy with this behavior and I dont want to do it anymore."  (Then you have to make sure and follow through on this.) This tool works because ads are VERY focused on hypocrusy and fairness.  If you want them to use a certain behavior then you have to use it too.   Keep this up until they realize you are serious and their tone changes.  When their behavior improves you have won!  Your job here is done, this house is clean!
          OR the next option (which in all honesty mostly happened in this house)  is what they have been saying, and the way they have been behaving, pisses you off so much that you cannot talk with them; then you can use the following.  Look at them straight in the eyes very seriously, and using the whisper voice say,"please leave the room, I am very angry with you right now and dont think it is a good time for us to talk."  (I have also said in my whisper voice," go away quickly, run," and my personal favorite," you my not be in the same room as me until further notice.")
           Be for warned; many times your ad. will argue with you at this point, they are not going to drop the whole thing that easily. (Once again a good sign; you don't want a weak meely mouthed ad. do you?)  What you need to remember here is that you are teaching them appropriate anger management skills.   I cant tell you how many young parents I use to coach on how to use anger management skills.  Many of these parents had had jail stints because they blew up over silly little things that they could have easily walked away from.  Their kids were taken away from them because of it.  When I would talk with them, to help them understand their behavior, every single one of them, no exageration, would say, that they came from familys where everyone behaved the same way...its what was taught and learned from their parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts etc.   All it truley takes is one adult to show them something different.  Ads. love doing better then their parents.   Give them a reason to be rebellious in a postivie way.  
           If your ad wont leave the room then you leave.  Go to your bedroom if necessary and lock the door.   I have coached parents who have teens completely out of control and will tell me that they could never walk away from them, or lock the door.  The ad would break down the door, pound on it until their hands are black and blue, throw things, break things, etc. etc.  Ok...a couple of things here.  If your ad is that out of control there is deffinetely a problem; drugs, abuse some where, stress in school, bullying, the point is that this is not normal behavior and it is your job to help them.   If it is drugs, or other destructive behavior, you must intervene; experts must be called in, and sometimes the police. 
          I have coached a few parents on calling the police when their ad is out of contol and destructive.  They always start off not wanting to do that, which I completely understand.  I am a parent too, and it pains me greatly to have to teach lessons the hard way.  Life would be so much easier and happier for everyone if everyone just took the easy way out.  But it really rarely ever happens that way does it?  So even I, and my husband, have let a son spend a night in jail while I stayed up all night crying; immediateley the first thing in the morning my husband went and got him out of jail, but he NEVER got himself in that position again.  All those parents whom I coached, who let the behavior continue for awhile, eventually called the police, and watched, and cried while their ad was handcuffed and removed from the home.  BUT here is the teachable moment.  The behavior got better; things improved.
          At 15 years of age an adolescent can be tried as an adult if the court system deams it so.  They can also be handcuffed and removed from school grounds starting at age 13.  At age 15 doctors dont have to divulge your childs medical information to you naymore; so your daughter can be on birth control with out your knowledge, or you son could have tested positive for drugs, and the doctor, legally, cannot tell you.   SO if they have these ADULT MATURE privledges how do you protect them?  YOU DONT!  It is time for them to learn to protect themselves.  SO the natural consequences of bad behavior outside your home is the possibilty of being arrested right?  SO if you have control over this experience, and can give it to them from the safety of your home to teach them a lesson of the reality of the outcome of their destructive behavior, WHY would you choose not to give it to them?  Isnt giving them as many life experiences, while with in the safe protective boundaries of your home, YOUR JOB?  Better you then some stranger who may not understand your child and drop charges.
          This is an extreme scenario and in all reality really doesnt take place that often.  In my experience with all my sons all I have had to do is whisper," leave the room until I am calm and then we will finish this converstaion" and they take it seriously and do so.  My husband will say," I cant talk to you right now, Im really pissed"...our kids get it.  In return we have had to be respectful of them when they choose not to discuss things.  Which brings me to my next point.
3.)  ASK questions and express what you feel only.   When your child hits adolescence they really do still want your opinion, guidance and support; they just dont want to listen to you lecture them.  So communication becomes an art form.  Here is what I have learned is effective. 
          When they need advice pose everything in the form of a question.   "So what are your options?  What do you think you should do here?  What did you do?  What did they do?  What will you do next time?  What did you learn? etc etc."  If they dont have the answer dont immediately give it to them. Ask,"do you want my help or do you want to work it out on your own?"   The idea is to gently guide them to the conclusion you want them to have with out actually telling them what to do.  :D
          Remember they are learning to problem solve, they must learn from their own mistakes.  AND they are also learning to be adults; when you have a friend who has a problem do you fix it for them or do you listen?  Do you give them advice with out them asking for it?  Your ad is going to be an adult, and when your kids become adults they become your equals for the most part.  Dont you want them to be able to help you in your old age?  They really will not do this unless they have the skills to do so.   More importantly dont you want them to be successful, independant, members of society who contribute with compassion?  THey must learn to think on their own for this to happen.  At 31, 26 and 20 all my sons have had information that I did not know.  Recieving this is great!
          There have been a few times where my husband and I have decided that we still would not give the answer to a problem one of our sons had.  We posed questions only and waited while they figured it out.  (Which I can tell you not only caused frustration for everyone involved but moments of humor for my husband and I.)   We felt it was crucial that they figure it out on their own.  Usually these instances are conected to respect issues and there are consequences attached.  
           During these times the bank, and support, of mom and dad temorarily ends.  This is not treated as a punishment, but a learning opportunity and is presented as such.  We have told them peteintly using our whisper voices that, in real life you will loose a job, loose friends, loose family, etc. for using this behavior; you need to figure out why and how to fix it, until then we are unable to share our car, share our money, share our internet etc.  The bigger picture here, also, is learning that we all depend upon each other, and while it is appropriate to want to be independent there is a difference between selfish and selfless.  Understanding that and finding balance in this notion is important in feeling successful.  Feeling successful is important in being successful. We all make mistakes, being comfortable with them, and learning from them, is what moves us forward in life; blame does not.
          When you find it necessary to share your opinion, wisdom, experience with them to help them learn you do it quickly, thoughfully, respectfully, and quietly.  Bascially you always start with,"I feel"  "I feel it is important that I share with you my experience in this area to help you learn.  It is up to you whether or not you want to use this.  But please let me do my job as a parent and share this with you."  Then make it quick.  Dont go into your grandma this and your grandpa that.  Dont say I had a boss that was an ass and this is what you need to do.  Make it more along the lines of, in my experience there are far more employers who dont know what they are doing then know what they are doing; it is called the Peter Principle, raising someone to their level of incompetancy instead of leaving them where they do the most good....You need to find a better way to deal with this situation; do you want some suggestion?" or "Family is defined as a mother, father and children,  You are beginning to progress out of that definition in this home and make your own family and home.  But we are always here for you if you need us.  I miss helping you. and being there for you, but I understand."  "It gives me pain to see you struggling, my experience in this area was not good; but I know my experience is not yours and you will handle it differently.  DO you want to know what I learned from this and take it for what it is?"   You get the general idea....
          The general idea behind I and You messages is this.   "You" is only used in areas of praise.  "You did so good, Im proud of you, I love watching you do that, Your so good with people...etc. etc.  "I" messages are used to explain feelings.  "Im feeling upset right now and dont think its a good idea we talk about this until I am calmer.  Im feeling really sad right now and feel like crying.  Im feeling hurt by what you just said, did you mean for that to happen?"  YOU DO NOT say when you did that you made me feel....Our feelings are our own.  No one can devalue them because we own them; with that said we cannot not really blame anyone for them either.  We can imply that we find ourselves feeling a certain way after something was said our done; but technically we can choose not to be hurt by someone or something.  ALthough I maintain that when you are connected intimately to someone they do have a certain power over your feelings.  Knowing that though still gives you control over how you choose to use your feelings.  There is a difference between conflict and confrontation, and reacting and responding.  One is healthy the other is not.  If you choose to never confront, or respond, it can be unhealthy physcially and emotionally for everyone involved.  So learning to communicate effectively is important.  Everyone has the right to speak and be heard.  It is truely the way you say something that makes a difference.
          In my household we recently have an inside joke based off a facebook post.  The post went something like, when someone says something stupid I could say...(and at this point there was a long intellectual explanation)  Or I could just say Fuck You.   So now when someone says something that we dont want to take the time to explain we say fuck you.  :D   The other family member, or close friend, gets the joke and laughs.  Not what you say...how you say it.
4.)  Set clear boundaries and follow through.   This one is so important; with out it everything else wont work.  This one is by far the hardest.  When my eldest was small and was sad, or being scolded for something he would pout.  Not just any pout mind you, his lower lip some how got HUGE and tears would well up in his blue little eyes with those long eyelashes and he had this look like the world had just ended because he disappointed us...sigh.  He quickly learned that all he had to do with me was use this look and I would scoop him up in my arms and say its ok mommy still loves you just dont do it again...negateing any follow through on my part for consequences.  He used this ploy, and still does sometimes, for years.  Live and learn...my youngest didnt have it so good, but he is far better at setting goals and following through.  Understand where I am going with this?
          When we set appropriate boundaries for ourselves in our lives and follow through with them we teach our kids this valuable skill.  My eldest is able to now set goals and acheive what he wants in life with confidence and success.   But with our youngest it is really almost a natural skill...its kind scarey really.  Part of this is individual temperment Im sure, but another part of it is what I learned as a parent.  With my first I was so enthralled by my gorgeous little toddler that I hated to see him sad and struggle.  The plus side of this is he is an extremely empathetic and compassionate person.  With my second I knew it was important to still make him clean up his room or I would be doing it for him until he moved out.  It took my eldes to move out to really learn to pick up after himself.
           When you say,"If you break curfew you will not have car privledges for a week," then you MUST make it so.  If you say your room and homework MUST be done before you leave the house then you not only make it so, but you CHECK to make sure it is so.   If you tell them you are not going to take care of the dog that they brought into your home with out your consent that DO NOT help take care of their dog.  It is the right think to sit there calmly and watch your daughter rant, irrationally, about how you didnt support her in this decision...its not a kid for crying out loud; and if it were it would still be her responsibility.  Support does not always mean doing things for them, sometimes it means supporting their decision to do it with out your help!   After all...they cant be an adult and still need their mommy right?  Whats that saying?  Something about having your cake and eating it too...?  Something like that you get the idea.  
          Another boundary that I think is important to teach.   When an ad hits 18, and usually at 19 especially, they suddenly gain what is called the entitled attitude.  Whats yours is mine thinking.  That car your letting me use?  Well Im going to treat it any way you like and you still have to give me gas money, and keep it clean for me.  Oh and by the way how dare you ask that I do anything to earn that privledge.  HUGE BLEH here!   When they hit this phase I firmly beleive it is important for you to state that legally you really dont have to provide anything to them.  They are reaping the benefits of your hard work while more often then not we, as parents, sit home once again giving up things so that they may have.  All the while still getting eye rolling, sighs, slamming etc.  I dont think so...I have said in my whisper voice to my youngest, with a smile on my face, very calmly,"You know you don't have to live here."  I will get a look that implys oh so your going to freak out and kick me out.  But no I turn the tables on him.   "Don't misunderstand, i say, your father and I are happy to share what we have with all of you.  As long as we have a home you have a home.  But you should understand that this is our home, our cars etc.  We are the ones who work very hard for all of this and you are taking advantage and being disrespectful and that is unacceptable here.  SO if you think you are ready to be on your own, cause your behavior is suggesting that is what you want then of course we will suppport that.  BUT if you still need my and your fathers support financially (AND that is the clincher.) then I suggest you change your attitude or we will not share with you anymore."  I smile and wait for a reply.  The answer is always,"Im sorry, Im having a bad day, Im really tired, etc. etc. And he continues to be an outstanding individual.
           It is VERY hard to watch someone you love struggle.   But life will never feel easy until someone learns how not to struggle through their decisions and choices.   If they are finding that a choice they have made makes life more of a struggle for them then perhaps it was the wrong choice and should be re-evaluated.  This is not a failure!  It is a learning opportunity.  As a parent you need to stand firm in the boundaries you have set and follow through...unless you make a mistake.  Then suck it up and say so.
          I personally dont like guilt...it is a wasted emotion in many aspects.  This feeling is what we call a red flag.  It initially tells us that something is not right.  This is true, initially it does tell us that something we have done has triggered something bad.  But is it truley something bad?  Or something we were taught was bad and actually is not?  I have had clients who had experienced a horrific amount of abuse.  Things most of us dont even imagine.  These people will feel guilty if they recieve a beating from their husband, some how thinking that it was their fault.  Bleh....wiping off monitor.   It is up to us to figure out if guilt is genuine or not then let it go.  When we hold on to guilt others use it against us, either intentially or not.  Especially our kids.  If we let them believe that their behavior is justified for something we think we should have done better in the past, while they were young, then not only do we not progress and learn as people, but they wont either.  We are not showing them that everyone, especially there parents who are human also and capable of mistakes, can change.   If there is one sure thing in life it is that things and people change.
          There came a point in my eldests sons life, in his teens, that I realized that I was not helping him by giving in to the pouty face.   But it was hard for me to stop.  So I recruited the help of my husband to begin with.  This is what we did.   We had a family meeting and I explained to my son that I was wrong.  By giving in to his pouty face I was causing him harm and I was sorry.  Because it was hard for me to deal with, and because I did not want him learning to take advantage of people which I was role modeling, his father was going to step in and help.  The tag team rule came into effect. 
          When I found it difficult to deal with our sons behavior I said tag your it and my husband would say ok.  Now this became interesting and something happened that we didnt bargain for.  If I had to tag out my husband came in with guns pulled from the hip.  He was quick, quiet, and firm.  CLean the room now or give me the keys to the car.  You cannot go anywhere until that room is clean per my inspection.  And the inspection process was harsh.   All our sons started learning that it was far better to do what I asked them, the first time, with respect then have to deal with their dad.  I gave them more room to be themselves.  Hubby wanted it done the way he wanted it done.  :)  Did my husband do this on purpose?  ABSOLUTELY!!!  He wanted them to learn that for what ever situation they were in, whom ever they were dealing with, it could be worse.   When they learned this he eased up.  My relationship with our eldest is great now and full of respect.   (ps...they now know this was done for them to learn from and respect the process.)
5.)  Last but certainly not least PRAISE!   Say as many good things about your ad, and everyone in his/ or her life during this time as often as you can.  Praise instills good feelings.  Good feelings give us confidence.  Confidence makes us successful.  In child development there is something called the five to one ratio; for every piece of bad news you have to deliver you end with five pieces of praise.   "OK, so you wrecked the car and that deffinetely was not good.  BUT no one was hurt, you learned to never do that again, you behaved calmly and respectfully through it all, you made all the right phone calls, you took pictures, you filed the police report and you are sorry.  I am not happy about the car but I am very proud of the way you behaved."   Get it?  ALos give and show love always.  I kinda make my sons hug and kiss me still even though they pretend not to like it...pretend being the opportive word here.  (My youngest sometimes has to work hard at concealing his joy at a great hug.)
          The Pith of the Matter is be realistic when you need help teaching those people.  Its hard work and will make you feel tired, angry, frustrated, guilty and even crazy.   Try to use the tools when ever you can. Take breaks and keep your sense of humor.  There is a standard rule when dealing with unwanted behavior; usually in behavior disabilitys etc. but it applies all over.   When someone is feeling out of control with their behavior they will create, usually unintentially, out of control environments that people living with in will react to.  (react being the opportive word here, not respond, there is a difference.) 
          So take your ad for instance who is dealing with hormones, brain growth, chemical imbalances, problem solveing, communication issues, all kinds of new opprotunitys, environments and people.  They feel out of control, confused, angry, depressed, elated, excited, free, all at the same time and most of the time dont know why.   Adolescence is from 10 to 22 because it takes that long for ANYONE, even in their right mind, to figure it all out.  In the beginning of it all it is going to be really crazy, but it eases up.  The trick is to be the calm in the eye of the storm no matter what. 
          If by chance you cannot, then be prepared to apologize.   Respect is truely earned...but with an ad the thing to remember is you wont see the benefits of your hard work, and respectful behavior that you gave them, and more often then not was not returned, until they are past adolescence.  The thing to remember is that in order to see the benefits you have to role model what you want to see in them.  In western civilization we have a bad habit of just telling our ads what they should do but never really taking the time to walk them through it.  Do it with them.  Help them think it out while they are experiencing it.  Teach them to problem solve and critically think.   This truely is a western civilization habit.  When your child was small and leanring to build a block tower didnt you give them time and perhaps even sit with them and point out which blocks to use to encourage their success?  Didnt you praise when they used the right block and the tower got bigger and bigger and never toppled over?  While this is the same thing; only now its not blocks, it people, jobs, school, and real life situations.
          When my son was 25, living on his own and engaged to my now daughter in law he called me and said,"You were right."  I replied,"About what?"  Trying to recall conversations I had had with him and running a few things I could have been right about. (I have never claimed to be modest.  :P )  Then he said something unexpectantly,"About everything."   This came out of the blue.  It truely was a spontaneous phone call made to say that and that only.  I remember saying that I was pretty sure I wasnt right about everything but thank you for saying so and that I loved him.  I remember feeling like I wanted to cry and this feeling of my job is done was over whelming. 
          But I also felt an immense amount of relief and pride in myself to the degree that I have never had before.   Having an adult child who is happy and successful in what ever they choose to do is by far the greatest acheivement of my life.   When a child is successful you kinda are too.   I believe there comes a time when everyone is accountable to themselves for their choices, there is just so long you can blame your parents for your fuck ups and unhappiness.  BUT if you see your kids using the tools that you taught them and succeeding then you kinda feel that your life has been pretty damn good.  :)   He said I love you too and hung up and ever since then he has truely been a man on his own and we are proud of him.
          A quick note here.  Our adopted son was not raised by us but has come to us often to discuss challanges in his life.  We have treated him as we have treated our natural born sons and the result has been the same for him.  See Buttercup blog.  :)   I think it is never to late to do, and teach the right thing.  Ive seen it in our adopted son and in clients.  I beleive that people truley can change and want to do so for the better.  When shown how, success,and happiness occurs.   The point is never stop trying as a parent to do the right thing.
          We still are working with one more son but things look real good where he is concerned, even though, in all honesty, he has been (and I say this optimistically) the most "verbal" of the three.   I love adolescence.  It is truley wonderful to watch them grow into adults.  It is great knowing that my husband and I have sent such great men out into the world.  Oh I know some people dont agree with us in our perspective of our sons but here is what I have to say to that.  I love everyone in my life for there perfect imperfections, including myself.   Why dont you?

"No one knows his true charecter until he has run out of gas, purchased something on the installment plan and raised and adolescent."  -Marcelene Cox

A Love Story

        

Sam KeenYou come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

          Someone else who I mention often but have never really wrote about; my hubby.  :)   I know this is going to sound corney but our relationship is a love story.  Truley.  I will share why.
          Hubby and I have been together since 1981.  I picked him up in a bar...yes its true.  I was going through some challanges at the time and was only 20.  A girl friend and I would hit the bars every opportunity we had.  We danced, drank, and met people. 
          During one of these such outings I eyed my husband on quarter beer night across the bar...he saw me also, but never made a move.  He was sitting with a group of people so when I saw one of the girls sitting at his table get up to go to the bathroom I followed and struck up a conversation with her; she invited me to sit with them at their table, which I did, one thing led to another.   Hubby (then to become boyfriend) and I danced and talked until closing time (last call).  He wanted me to go home with him but I said no, I had to work in the morning.  I gave him my phone number and he called!  We dated for a bit.  He saw me through the passing of my mother, my 21st birthday, moving into my own place, job transtions, health issues (which included multiple surgerys) along with other challanges.
          He would spend the night with me sometimes and then something interesting happened.  One day I realized he had never gone home?   Love had never been mentioned...yet.   But the whole relationship thing was working.  He cleaned, he cooked, he did laundry! Then something else happened. 
          I realized one day while being introduced by my girlfriend to a pretty good looking guy that I was comparing him to my husband...uh oh.   I went home and decided to risk it.  I said I love you to my boyfriend (hubby)...horror or horrors...he just looked at me with a scared shocked look.  Well, I thought, that is that.   He said something like," I dont know what you want me to say," and I replied with something like," well if the obvious doesnt hit you then I guess there is nothing for you to say."  I went home.  
          But he called again, and we still continued to date.  Then, one day, we are driving down the road and he suddenly says,"I love you too."  JOY!  I knew it all the time.  :)  If he hadnt offically moved in with me up to that point after that he had.
         One day we went to his house and his mother was home.   She asked him,"Are you ever moving back home?"  He replied,"well we're kinda engaged."  I stood there stunned...huh? wtf?  We had really never discussed this.  His mom got out the family rings and gave them to him and he gave them to me.  On the way home I asked if he really meant that?  Or was he just trying to avoid a confrontation with his mother.  He said he meant it.  Later after we got the rings sized he picked them up...I not knowing they were ready, got down on one knee and officially proposed.  I, of course, said yes.  :)  We were married in 1984 at the age of 22; our first born was born in 86, our second in 92.
         Let me tell you what I have learned.   Marrigage is by far the hardest career I have ever dedicated myself to.  That is exactly what it is.  A career...not a job.   When my husband and I married we basically decided that divorce would never be an option.  Yeah sometimes we have a huge arguement and the threat is thrown out there in frustration but once we calm down we both realize that life would be empty with out the other.   Our life together has been far from perfect.   But all the decisions we have ever made have been based on what is right for OUR family.  Our family does not include our parents, our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends.  It is he and I and our children.   This is a very difficult thing to do... the right thing.   Many decisions required us loosing persons who we cared for.   But we realized that if we made decisions based on what others thought we should do our marriage, and family, would not survive.   Extended family has a tendancy to want to protect and save you.  This usually entails them suggesting things like leave (him or her) and come home.   But their home is not your home anymore.  Your home is with your spouse and kids, it is what the two of built, and want to build together.
          Our relationship has endured challanges that would break many other couples apart.   Not an exageration.   Loosing a home, loosing jobs, poverty, drugs, infidelity, toddlerhood, puberty and the teens, loosing loved ones to death (and other), moving multiple times, including two times across country, nervous breakdowns, and all kinds of challanges not mentioned.   But our marriage endured, infact it always became stronger.   I think part of it is because we both knew that many of those things that either of us went through really had nothing to do with the other person, or the family; they were all personal issues.   We both always told ourselves, and our kids that that is not your father, or that is not your mother.   We were not always petient with these phases, there was screaming, and yelling and threats, but we never followed through on them.  We loved each other.
          Years ago I was at work and one of my younger employees asked me what was the secret to being married so long.   I say adaptability and forgiveness.   She looked at me with a frown so I explained.  I said people change; getting into a relationship believing that the person you married is the person you will always be married to is unrealistic, that is why it is so important to have conversations about expectations for the future that include basic moral and value systems.   Those basic morals and values will always be intact.   If he is a giving, compassionate, empathetic person, when you meet him, with strong faith, chances are he will always be that way...even when he is going through a tough time.   Your marriage will change, both of you will change, learn to adapt to that and your relationship will sustain. 
           Forgiveness is important because we all make mistakes.  In a marriage some of them will be doozy's.   When we make mistakes we learn.  If you can not forgive mistakes in your spouse then how can you expext him (or her) to forgive mistakes you make?   And if you have children what are you role modeling to them?  We all learn at different paces; be petient and forgive.  
          Then she asked how did you know he was the one?  I replied,"He rocks my world."  and I smiled.   He doesnt always rock it in a good way, but he keeps me on my toes, he challanges me, he doesnt let me fail, and he always loves me.   So many people say they need someone to make them laugh and that is most certainly important, but what happens when the laughter stops?  Because there will be times when both of you are unable to laugh. 
          So is the marriage suddenly not working anymore and you are done?  What if suddenly he is not making enough money, or doesnt pay attention to you, or looks at other women too much, or spends too much time in front of the computer, or watches too much tv, or doesnt pick up after himself....bleh.   I was always able to work through all of those issues.   Its called negotiation and compromise.   You want him to give up something for you then be prepared to do the same.  There must be equality and fairness in a marriage for it to endure.
         Some women say I got a good one.   Well duh!  Of course I did.   He does laundry, he cooks (great), he is a great dad, contributes to the house, and he has learned and grown as a person.   He puts up with my female out bursts, my crying jags, and my sometimes need to have everything very clean.   If I tell him to go away cause I am feeling anti social he does with out getting all but hurt about it.  (Infact I think he is secretly relieved.)  BUT I do things that he needs too.   He still needs to be reminded to him pick up after himself, not leave coke bottles all over, fold laundry when its not his, clean up after himslef in the kitchen, and to stop, and give me a hug.   He has to be toldm still that teasing and romance are not the same things, and sarcasm is not always funny and really not a clear form of communication.   But none of these are deal breakers!   A deal breaker is constant physical and/or emotional abuse.  A deal breaker is an addiction that does not go away and casues harm to someone, whether it is them or someone else.   A deal breaker is infidelity that leads to the end of love; which means it was more than likely never there to begin with.
          So what am I saying here?  The Pith of the Matter.   My husband and I have never considered ourselves role models to anyone but our kids, but after being together for 31 years that is what we have become and it is because we just love each other.   Adapt, forgive and no matter what the hell is going on in your life if the other one needs you you drop everything that you are doing and be by there side then you drop everything and be by there side.   Does this mean give up who you are?  No, we still love each other cause we like who we are as individulas first, we are friends with each other and our selves first.   No on, and I mean no one, should ever come between you and your spouse.   Yes kids come first, ( you notice I say kids) but if their lives are such a mess (as teens and young adults) that it is causing martital problems then it is time to use some tough love with them.    It teaches your children how to prioritize and set boundaries.  Never embarrass each other in public, never second guess a decision in front of other (especially children) and never belittle each other.   *Those are tings we learned as our relationship progressed)  You know that saying that goes something like you treat the ones you love most the worst because you are closest to them?  Once again I say bleh.   You treat the ones you love the best.  They are the ones you want around, they are the ones who will love and support you.   You dont want to take them for granted.
          In the end, after all is said and done I would not have my life be any different.   I would not choose to escape any challange.  ANd I am forever grateful that everything was shared with my husband.  Yes some things have left some memorys that hurt, but they have also encouraged growth.   ANd the good memorys far out weigh the bad ones. My husbnad and I have what we need in life to be very happy and content.  If we lost everything we own we would still be happy and content because we have everything we need to be happy.   He still rocks my world.  :)