Infinite Affinity

Tranquility is not with those who insist their lives have been destroyed by others.  Those who know tranquility take resonsibility for thier own lives. -unknown

 

Holidays are so different here. We don’t dress up, we don’t all gather around the table together and saying grace while holding each others hands. We don’t all argue with each other because we dislike and judge each others life styles. Well...sometimes we will express concerns over how unhappy someone may appear to be; expressing concern is much different that telling someone their life sucks and if they don’t change it they are wrong. Ultimately Joe and I truly do feel confident that all of us will find the path we are suppose to be on eventually and be content; if not exactly happy all the time. What more can we ask for? With that said their was a reoccurring theme over Thankful for family day. (Because in this house we don’t celebrate a day where a culture was attacked and forced off their land; followed by a day called black Friday...sheesh...really fellow Americans? I feel embarrassed sometimes...) Anywhoooo....

Thankful for family day began as usual...we ate, and when we were done digesting we ate some more...after that...well desert...followed by eating, then lets not forget the yearly tradition of eating. While this eating extravaganza goes on we talk, and share, and catch up with each other. The more we eat, and feel full, and contented, the more intimate the conversations become (and the more we loosen our belt buckles). In this whole process of eating, listening, and sharing with everyone I noticed that everyone was basically talking about one thing... attachments. Interesting...and as usual I will explain, but be patient while my brain runs its course.

Joe and I are fairly easy going people. We make opinions on, or criticize, others lifestyle choices extremely little. We try to word everything as a teaching experience; advice is what it is we are not hurt if you don’t take it. Yeah I know we throw comments out everyone in while; but if you come here doing nothing but complaining about the way your life is, and you appear to be unhappy about it, and seem to be struggling, then one of us will probably say something. We are caring people, and also try to be respectfully honest. Joe will just blurt stuff out (respectfully)....I will ask if you want to hear what I think first (usually). I have been thinking though...so many of our problems in life boil down to one thing. The idea of attachment and if everyone understood this idea fully then so many of our feelings attached to things we think we need (or are attached to) would diminish and even go away in some instances. So instead of lecturing on a topic that everyone may not want to listen to I will write about it.

Attachment is a feeling that binds us to a person, thing, or cause. Feelings, for the sake of this discussion, are sensitive, sentient (having the power of perception by the senses and conscious), readily affected by emotion, sympathetic. Emotions are joy, sorrow, fear, hate, love, etc. anything that causes a reaction. There is a difference between reacting and responding. Reaction is defined as a reverse movement, or tendency; an action in a reverse direction or manner; so basically something that is not normal behavior for us. To respond to something means to react favorably with words or action. I have wrote before about feelings. They were given to us as a precursor to examine areas of our life; NOT to determine how to react to it, but how to respond to it. An example.

I will use myself instead of picking on someone. :P I am numerically challenged, this is my way of saying that not only do I suck at math but I don’t like it. I enter math classes with stress, sometimes anxiety, and these feelings will temporarily get in the way of my learning. I start off reacting to how I am feeling. My process with many challenges in my life is to ride the feelings for a bit, then I get tired of feeling crappy; I slow down, I meditate, sometimes I blog, I talk to loved ones whom I trust, then I get my head on straight and respond.

I look at my feelings, which are trying to teach me something, and figure out where exactly they are coming from, and/or are directed. If they are directed at something that is easy...do I need to have that something in my life? Well in the case of math...yes (dammit). So what is it about math (or the thing)? Well that is never a simple question to answer is it? I am a social worker, and in my already extensive experience in this field I can honestly say that I do not need to use much math; but I do need it for that degree. Do I need the degree? Yes, I have made a conscious choice to pursue helping others and I cannot go any further in my life with out having that piece of paper. The paper is definitely an attachment, an unfortunate one for others. They need to see this material thing to have some kind of understanding and trust that I know what I know. I feel compassion for this perception by others because I feel confident in what I know (unless it is math). And there it is....a lack of confidence in my math ability. So what I do is study more, get tutoring and help and take the class over. I do not feel a failure, math is definitely not a strength for me. Yes there is a part of my over achieving other self that I have to keep in check, that person who’s voice I hear way down deep that struggles to get out and try to make me feel bad about a failure...then I remember that that is the voice of abuse, defeat, fear, victimization, addiction and attachment.

In Buddhism attachment is an interesting and important concept; but it is one that, even if you do not subscribe to Buddhism, you can take with you and use to improve your life.

http://buddhism.about.com/od/basicbuddhistteachings/a/attachment.htm A website that explains it fully. But in a nutshell here is the basic idea. We are humans, and it is human nature to want things. Things help us feel safe, feel secure, feel happy, feel needed, feel important, feel wealthy, feel cool...you get the idea. Things, however, also have an opposite effect; the more things we need to help us feel all the a for mentioned, the more unhappy we become. More is just more....it is just greater quantity, a greater amount, a greater measure, degree, or number.

Buddhism sometimes gets a lot of criticism from persons who don’t fully understand it. A couple of concepts that get a bad rap are the concepts of selflessness and detachment. Selflessness does not mean that we are selfish, it means the opposite, we are completely unselfish; and detachment doesn’t mean that we don’t care about any body, or anything, it means that we detach from things that really are not important in life. So being attached means that we basically have formed a kind of addiction to something. On a grand scale it most certainly is applied to alcoholism, drug addictions, abuse etc. But it also applies to unhealthy life choices like the things we eat and drink (mine is caffeine), the words we use with each other including gossiping, rumors, etc., computer gaming, relationships that we know are not good for us (or the person we are in a relationship with); anything that makes us feel bad, and I mean bad like in the way that this thing, or person, is interfering with good choices, healthy relationships, and a healthy lifestyle. The next misconception about this idea is that the standards of being detached, or living healthy, are so great that they are unattainable...only Buddhist monks who live in a monetary, or in seclusion, can truly attain this enlightenment,and obtain this nirvana. BLEH (wiping puter screen)

In Buddhism every little bit matters, hence the idea of Karma. If you don’t try at all, or decide it is not worth trying, that is bad Karma, and trust me what goes around does come around. All my sons may complain about life, but they are not vindictive vengeful people...they believe in the idea of Karma even though they are not Buddhist. Bad things do happen to bad people...just wait, the universe has a way of setting things right and you don’t really need to push it along any faster. If not in this life, then the next; but it happens.

Even if you don’t believe in reincarnation, however, Karma is very profound. It says that for every action there is a reaction...hmmmm see where I am going with this yet? This statement is basically saying that you have a choice...act or react. It doesn’t mean react with out thinking...it means slow down, think, that reaction that you choose also had an action that you didn’t choose. AND if you choose the action, the response! GOOD KARMA!! You feel better, others around you feel better. The universe is better...Karma. So how does this apply to attachments?

Well lets think about this. You are attached to computer gaming to the point that everything in your life revolves around your gaming...your life suffers, your family suffers, your friendships suffer, your wisdom suffers. Suffering in Buddhism is fore front in understanding enlightenment, love, compassion, kindness towards others at all times. It is the Four Noble Truths. If you are not eradicating suffering where ever, and when ever you can...bad Karma. Karma is yours, you own it and it cannot be blamed on anyone else, we are not also responsible for others Karma.

You are in a bad relationship, it makes both of you unhappy. Are you truly doing everything in your power to make it better, and if you have then why are you still there? Staying in a bad relationship actually causes bad Karma. Isn’t it better for both of you to accept the suffering and detach? Move on to something with better Karma?

Why does the concept of failure have such a negative attachment to it? What if...just what if...the feeling s attached to failure were trying to tell us that this particular thing that we have been attached to, trying hard to make work and never quite getting that hang of it, is not for us and we should find what is good for us? Is that beinf selfish or selfless? What if our attachment to making this particular thing work for us, amidst constant struggle and suffering, is keeping someone else from entering it and making it their success? Does this mean that technically we are causing someone, who we may not even know, suffering? ...Karma. Get it?

The Pith of the Matter? What is really important in life? A few years ago my husband and I had a life changing discussion. He had lost his job of 15 years. I needed to go back to work to help out and I didn't want to do just anything. Our sons all were in a place where they still were needing guidance. Too many things were getting in the way...and I mean things. My husband and I found ourselves asking stupid questions like how do we keep all this STUFF...the house, the stuff in it, eating out, spending money on things we really didn’t need. (Cable, internet, monthly puter gaming subscriptions, Slurpee's, junk food every night, my 24^th pair of shoes...) It was really a place that we both did not like...and then we realized something.

In order to be, and feel, successful we needed to like ourselves first. All the stuff we were attached to was causing us to suffer. We didn't really need any of it! And more so...we realized we didn't want it. What we really needed, and wanted, was our marriage, our family, our friends, and the basic survival necessity’s...everything else was icing. So we defined what we really needed to be happy. Yeah money is nice...it pays for food, a roof over our head, transportation, clothes, and other necessity’s needed for survival in today’s world; but how much of that did we need?

A long story short...we slowed down, we stopped worrying, we realized that for all our suffering we were still pretty fortunate. We gave, and gave and gave, even though we wanted. For every action there is a reaction. Our actions caused others to take action. Our friendships became more authentic, our family became more real, our lifestyle became more contented and low and behold we were able to attain what really made us happy. Yes...we still have things. I like my coffee and ice. Joe likes his bottle of Coke and nicotine, we like our puters, and music, and books, and eating out sometimes. But when we have to go with out any of it (or all of it) it is no longer a failure; it is an opportunity.

This Holiday Season we have adopted a family, a single mother with five kids. Everything that we would give to others is going to them, and everything that others would have given to us is going to them. I can honestly say that the joy I feel at this Holiday Season is unlike any other I have ever felt and isn’t that what it is really suppose to be? Love, compassion, kindness to other always is not just words...it is a lifestyle. It is cause and effect. It is Karma. It is detaching, and selflessness.

My lesson here? I think so much suffering would be relieved if we all just stopped and listened...listened to our selves, listened to others, listened to what is going on around us. For every reaction there is an action. Think about it....what do you really need? And what in life do you truly need to attach to? How do you want to deal with your life? Will you respond or react? Find those answers and you will find an infinite affinity to contentment.

Peace out.