"Engage and the mind grows heated. Begin and the work will be completed."
You know its interesting to me. I can deal with people who others cannot. I have dealt with mentally unstable people, people with addictions, people with physical and emotional issues, abusers, abused, etc. etc. I stay calm. I say and do the right things. But put me in a situation where I like someone and they start to behave badly, start gossiping, cause drama and I turn into an anxiety ridden mess! Why? I dont get it; and I am tired of not getting it. So I decided to bring it to an end. Gonna find tools to give to myself for a change. Hopefully it will help someone else too.
First I looked up emotional drama. Theres alot of crap out there on this, and yes I mean crap. But I did find this http://www.zen-moments.com/reject-emotional-drama-and-become-motivated-again.html This was pretty interesting and to the point. Reading through this there were some words/sentances that stood out to me. This one particularly, "Drama consumes and excludes." Well how bout that...seriously, it never occured to me; excludes. Thats where the anxiety comes from for me.
Growing up I was excluded; not in just the usual play ground bullying kind of stuff, but (and Im about to share something very personal here) in another way. I know I have mentioned in other blogs that the best Social Workers are good because they have had alot of the same experiences that their clients have. They can relate to the people they are trying to help; so with out going into the past, which is exactly that, I will share this much with you. An abused child who is guilted and bullyed into keeping secrets is excluded. The exclusion for this child takes on a level that unless you have experienced it you will not understand. It is a fact that professionals know and deal with. I deal with it through my career and helping others. But putting myself out there to make friends is kinda a big deal for me. The friendships I have I treasure. They are honest, open, and worth while. We cry together, laugh together and are just ...together. My husband is in this catagory and two other women (they know who they are) :).
When I make myself vulnerable to someone; and this includes inviting them into my home and sharing a meal with them, it is done cautiously. So when I am faced with the fact that I horribly misjudged someone it does take a toll on me. Oh not so bad that I become OCD, but it is sad for me.
I usually try to follow a certain set of rules concering making a new friend. I listen to them alot, I start off sharing very small common interests. I try to make a judgement based on factual evidence concerning their charecter, not only towards me, but others also. I have a low tolerance for haters, anger balls, pesimistic people and vicitms. I also have a even lower tollerance for gossip and drama.
Gossip and drama are energy suckers; and not the good kind of energy suckers. I do not subscribe to the theory that gossip is a form of socialization needed to bond certain societys together. bleh. Unless of course you subscribe to the ideas of alienation, disrespect, caste systems, discrimination...well you get the idea. The only drama I like is the kind I watch on tv, or the theatre (movie or stage) I really like the drama on PBS. :P Thought provoking but entertaining. Sorry I wander...
I also have developed a way of dealing with the life sucking drassip. (gossip and drama combined) I like to know that I have done everything in my power to sustain a possible friendship before I let it go. I will discuss, or if necessary, send a letter, or e-mail asking what is up and how do we remedy this situation. One of two things happens, the person responds nicely and the situation gets resovled...or it doesnt. You can tell if its not usually because the response will instantly blame you for everything that happened. I will stay open minded about the accusation I don't mind taking some of the blame but; one- I know it takes two people to have a disagreement, and two-I really don't want that much control over someone elses life! There is a big difference between blame and negotiateing.
I usually take one or two more stabs at making it work, but then Im done. And when I say Im done I mean Im done. Until I have some facts that the drassiper has changed their ways its adios amigo.
So why do I get upset? Im cautious, mabey to much so sometimes, I make sure Im being respectful and courteous while setting what I feel are appropriate boundaries for me. Heres some honesty for you... I really hate knowing that not only is there someone out there that doesnt like me, but that that person is doing everything in their power to get more people to not like me! I mean WTF!?! Yeah I know I shouldnt care...but...hmmm, we have come full circle to the exclusion thing havnt we?
Then it occured to me (she says as the bells, horns, whistles and light bulbs go off) its a control thing. Yes obviously for the other person, they want to feel in control of their environment and everyone in it and will hurt anyone who gets in the way the whole time feeling completely justified and unremorseful. The think they are defending whats theirs but really they are just afraid,,,like me. Aha heres the Pith of the Matter. If I am truley Buddhist then the idea of giving up control of something that makes me (and others) suffer is necessary. Understanding that suffering is even more necessary and learning to accept it is the end result. It is one of the teachings at the core of Buddhism.
Gossip and drama are destructive, thats a fact, they hurt and exclude and therefore cause suffering. The person who causes this deserves my compassion....dammit. Sorry...Ohmmmmm.
This does not mean, of course, that I need to go and continue being friends with them, it is still really better to not give positve re-enforcement for bad behavior. BUT! I am going to turn this anxiety, and the fact that this person needs to make me look horrible (over a silly little thing) so that they can not only look better to themselves, but feel better into something good. I dont want to be someone who needs to feel better about myself because I succeeded in excluding someone and/or made them feel hurt.
SO the tool I will now use after the careful consideration of a new friend fails is to focus on the love and compassion in the world. Exit from the drama. "Once behind the stage curtain, you are again solidly in reality. You are empowered and motivated to create. But you must begin. Use small motivators to encourage action. Then further action will be easier." Change what I can. Accept that I tried and failed. Focus on the little things. Focus on the people who really mean something to you. Live authentically. Do your best.
The old saying is true, "Life can turn on a dime." It can be the simple. God I love it when things are simple!
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