Stealing America's Dreams

          Couple times a month a bunch of friends and I get together and engage in some role playing games.   Ok stop there, don't get all excited.   We are all old school nerds and play, what most of you know as, different versions of Dungeons and Dragons.   I have participated in role playing games since it first came out in the 70's.  Yes there was a bit of a gap for awhile while I dated and raised young sons; but when I realized that one of my sons hated sports I found myself taking him to gaming stores looking for Pokemon cards and role playing games.  I am going some where with all this, bear with me.   After each gaming session with my firiends we usually hang out and talk for a bit.   This last time I found myself talking with a couple of friends about how a crime it is that public schools no longer put enphasis on creativity.  Even Obama wants more emphasis on the maths and sciences.  I have a hypothesis; having the ability to imagine and create encourages, supports and teaches critical thinking and problem solving.   Once again I bring up how I am hearing so many people complain that America has no culture;  but I think that by not encourageing the arts in our youth we have taken their abilty to dream from them.  We have stolen away the American dream from the next generations.
          Use to be a time when all schools from elementary to high schools had music and art; and not just in the wealthy neighborhoods.  I grew up and went to school around 8 mile road in Detriot Michigan.  Even back then it was not known as one of the better areas to live and go to school.  But we had art and music.  And if someone couldnt afford it the school found a way to include that child.   My mother paid for another little girls Girl Scout uniform and picked her up and dropped her off weekly so that she could attend Girl Scouts.   My junior high had wood working, art, band, and all kinds of creative choices.  The high school I attended still had an automotive department, drafting, and film making along with the usual art and music choices.
          By the time my sons got to school art in elementary was taught by volunteer moms and music included only recorders.   Junior high no longer had wood working and High Schools had eliminated auto class, and many other creative outlets.  Emphasis was on sports.  Leaving a large population of adolescents with unidentified strengths.  No opportunitys to be praised and feel successful.   So what do these kids do?
          Well there is some talk among developmental psychology that many of these kids are now the Goths, and Emo's.   Their creative outlet is in the way they dress, and present themselves to society.   Not so bad really.  That kind of appropriate adolescent behavior has been going on since the beginning of man.  (God didn't want Adam and Eve wearing leaves did he?)   It becomes inapproprate when others choose not to understand their choices and proceed to criticize, belittle, judge, mock and hurt either emotionally or even physcially the choices these kids have made.   TO make it worse some of this bad behavior comes from these teens own parents.  Then the response from these confused teens comes out in inappropriate forms of behavior like cutting for instance, doing drugs, teen pregnancy, etc.   It does explain why all of these behaviors have been on the rise.
          I have raised one adult son and our youngest is seconds away from being a man.   I will never claim to be a perfect parent.  My husband and I have made many mistakes.  To our surprise and joy there seems to be no permanent damage to our sons.   We have done some things right though and it shows in our sons.
          One of the things that my husband and I wanted our sons to have was good communication.   We taught them manners; being poliet is important, it shows respet for others and yourself.  But heres something else about politeness; adults have a tendancy to listen to teenagers and young adults when they are being polite.  I wanted to make sure the adults listened to them, I think they did and still do have important things to contirbute.  Second we wanted them to learn tollerance and understanding.   We never wanted anyone teaching our kids that some things were out of reach for some people.  Bleh...   It wasnt taught in our home and it wasnt a belief that was practiced in any shape or form.   Finally, we gave our kids every opportunity to learn and create everything they could think of.  If the schools didn't have it we did what we could to make sure they would.  ANd Im not talking about everyone has a car so we have to get them one.  Im talking about playing in the mud on a rainy day and letting them cover themselves from head to toe with mud.   Letting them collect bugs even though that tralantula severly creeped me out.  Letting them listen to the music they wanted.   Taking them to plays, museums and fairs.  What is the outcome of all this?   I will share on of my favorite examples with you.
          Our youngest child is an example of a kid who would have benefitted from an automotive program in high school.   Ever since he was old enough to talk and stop putting everything in his mouth he had every match box car known to man.  He not only knew the name of each one but set out finding out what kind of engine it had, how fast it could go, the year, who made it and any other important information about it.  It was truley amazing and I am in no way exagerateing.   He was working on engines with his dad at three.   We had a used porsche that did not run sitting in our driveway when he was 14.  He never got it running, but he tried like hell.  
          In high school he dappled in Goth and Emo attire.   We have a rule in our house.  Our sons could try out different life styles under the following conditions.  I would quote to them,"One out of about every five teens will have adverse effects to clothing choices, music, video games, and tv.  WHen you start showing the red flags of this we will re-evaluate your choices."  Well our youngest was showing red flags.   He was skipping school, getting bad grades and becoming defiant (and not in an age appropriate way.)   So the following scenario took place.   I came home from work and was cooking dinner.  My husband was out of town traveling for work, but we had already discussed the consequences for our sons behavior.  I had also just had a meeting at school with my son and his teachers and counselor. 
          So picture this.  I am at the stove cooking.  Using a cast iron skillet, which I mention because it plays in important part in this story.   My back is to our son while I calmly say,"OK, you remember the rules of the house right?"  
 "yes" he says. 
"Can you tell me what they are please." 
"I know I really don't want to repeat them." 
"Well your father and I have been talking and we are concerned about the choices you are making right now and we feel that your life style is getting in the way of you being successful at school."
How?"
"Well you are breaking school dress code for one and you are putting up armor that is preventing you from learning."
"OK"  He rolls his eyes.
"Here's the deal.   WHen your are at home or hanging out with your friends you can dress any way you like.  BUt when you go to school the following applys from now on.   You cannot dress all in black anymore, if you wear black pants you must wear an non black shrit, if you wear a black shirt you wear non black pants.  No more arm bands, no beanies. And... "
Get ready here comes the good part. Now remember I am still talking with a calm serious polite tone of voice.
I tell him,"You have to cut your hair."  WHich at this time was very long with long bangs drooping down in front of his face and dyed jet black.  I could feel the heat in the kitchen start to rise and it wasnt coming from the stove .
Suddnely I hear him yell,"THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM ALLOWING YOU OR DAD TO CUT MY HAIR IT IS MY BODY AND I WILL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT."
I slowly took a deep breath, turned off the stove and pushed the cast iron skillet away from me, because in my head I am visualizeing hitting him across the head with it.  I turn and whisper to him very slowly,"leave   the   room."
"NO"
Still whispering,"i am feeling very angry with you right now and need some calm down time.   you may not be in the same room with me until further notice."
He stops yelling and says,"Where am I suppose to go?"
Still whispering,"i don't care but you cant be here."
Stubbornly states,"But its dinner."
Still whispering,"not for you.  i am going to finish cooking, sit down and eat, and watch about an hour of tv at which time i hopefully will feel calm enough to finish this conversation with you."
"FINE!"  He stormed across the room and slammed his door. (Girls are not the only ones who do that our eldest lost his door for a little while when he was a teen.)
I did what I said I was going to do.  I ate and watched tv for a bit.  An hour and half went by I never went to get him.  While I was cleaning up the kitchen he quietly and calmly comes out of his room and says,"I was thinking."
"Yes" I reply
"You never told me how I was suppose to cut my hair."
"No I did not."
"Can we negotiate that?"
"Yes we can."
"If I find a haircut on the internet that you approve of is that ok?"
"Yes."   I then explained that we didn't want to take his identity but we were trying to teach him that sometimes in life you have to adapt to your surroundings in order to get the most out of them.  I reminded him that his father was an old school biker, but his tattoos are covered up and he will shave, when necessary, to make a good impression with an employer.   I also pointed out that changing your looks doesnt mean changing who you are, but that we wanted him to have both his lifestyle and beable to learn.
          He got his hair cut and did what he was suppose to because he understood the consequences ahead of time.  He learned to negotiate for what he wanted while learning.  He found out that changing his clothes didn't mean he was changeing who he was.  And because of that he now has a lifestyle that is uniquilly his own.   By responding to him and not reacting he learned respect, manners, communication and anger management.   He also knows that if I whisper hes in alot of trouble.  :P
          At sixteen he decided public school was not for him and went on to get his GED and immediateley entered college.  He's dappled in some different majors but has recently decided he wants to attend a well known automotive school.  His dream is to own his own automotive repair shop where he can also work on his own one of a kind cars.  He si only nineteen now and miles ahead of kids his own age.  But... How wonderful it would have been if he had this in high school.
          I have said it before and will continue to say it.  It takes a village.  Parents can offer everything with in their power to help their child be successfull.  We can give them morals and values.  GIve them the tools to be successfull and how to use them.   They will go out and do what we teach them most of the time.  But if you don't have money you are not in the position to pull them out of a school system that is not encourageing their success.  
          I have heard teachers say in front of my sons some of the following, (I include my responses).
"In my thirteen years of experience I have never seen a child with your sons behavior problems."  This was said to my eldest by a principle after we had recently moved to a new state and he had been in this elementary for less then two weeks.  He was accused of pushing another child after this kid had pushed him off a slide and ripped his eye lid open.  he was still trying to make friends and adjust to a new home.  I said to the principle that his thriteen years of experience must have been very limited.
         "ANother teacher said that my eldest would never go anywhere in life if he kept it up."  Meaning the less then satisfactory grades in eighth grade, which was in junior high.   I replied that my son will never go any where in life if he continues to get teachers with the same attitude.
        Finally; A counslor and principle at my youngest sons high school said that he didn't belong their and I said I agree.  I let him with draw, get his GED and watched him excell ever since.
         The Pith of the Matter.  I think sometimes we think we are doing what is right for our kids but in reality we end up doing what society thinks is right for our kids.   They are not the same thing.  The world is full of different kinds of people.  The majority of which are not doctors, lawyers, dentists, politicians or persons with PhD.s.   Most of the world is made up of us working class people who are very happy to be where we are.  The American dream fools us into thinking that just because we have so much that other countrys don't have that we are all suppose to have it.  But the reality of the American dream is to be happy what ever you choose because you have the freedom of choice.   Our dreams for our sons have been realized because they are happy.  They are living the life they choose and living the American dream as they define it.
          When we, as a society, take away our childrens ability to create we as a village have taken away their ability to make choices confidently.   They have more difficutly imagining what could be.  It is harder to set goals, and follow through.   We have, and are, breeding a nation that is backwards.  Instead of moving forward in our culture we are living backwards.  Yes absolutely teach reading, science and math.  But give our kids a culture.   Teach them about authors, music and art.  Teach them how to make a work of art using those three.   Then they will truley beable to live the American dream.