Saying Sorry is Redemption

          I heard something interesting today,"saying sorry is redemption."  This got me to thinking; I know a person, actually a few person's, that don't know how to apologize, or choose not to.   They feel, and I know this because they have said so, that they have nothing to be sorry for.  Huh, curious.   I've always felt some confustion over this.   Do people not apologize becasue they don't want to?  Do they not feel any reason for being sorry?  Are these feelings genuine, or pride, and stubborness?   Or denial?   I can think of one instance off hand, in my life, where some one did me a huge injustice.   What this person did changed the way I percieve life and people in it.   I use to have regret and anger for who I might have been; but when I matured I realized that I would not be who I am with out this injustice.  So when I heard,"saying sorry is redemption."  My feelings for this person suddenly changed to sorrow and regret.  Not for me, but for her.   She died not knowing redemption.
         So why would someone choose not to say sorry?   Yeah, we've all been in that arguement with a loved one, or friend, where we are absolutely sure we are right and they, of course, are wrong.   After being in a relationship for 28 years let me tell you, the scenario I just mentioned, where you are always right, rarely happens.  Sorry.  
         So when do we apologize?  Well apology is a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, or wronged another.   Giving an apology is actually not about making you feel better but making the person who was hurt, insulted or wronged feel better.  
        If someone doesn't apologize does it mean that they are narcisitic and incapable of seeing beyond themselves?   I don't think so; in most cases.  I think it is more likely that people assume that apologizing has to do with being wrong.   Sometimes it does, but you can apologize with out being wrong.   I was taught that you can apologize for your behavior and not your feelings.   Our feelings are our own, we own them, we are responsible for them.   You can also apologize for the way you communicated.  You meant what you said, you are just sorry you said it that way.
          In a relationship I also believe that if you apologize you have to admit that you hurt someone who is very dear to you.  Being in a relationship of that depth absolutely means giving up a protion of yourself for someone you love more than yourself.  You are putting someone else's needs and feelings above your own.  A very unselfish act. 
          How can we admit that we mindlessy, in the heat of the moment, have said something to some one we care for, that we regret.   Then we have to admit that we were wrong in the way we communicated something.   Worse yet, we were imperfct and hurt someone we love dearly.   The family member in my life was not, by any means, close to being perfect; but she tried very hard to be perfect.   I think this is ultimately why she couldn't give me the apolgy I needed so much.   She tried hard her whole life to give me everything with in her power, money, a place to live, knowledge, wisdom; but I never heard any of it because she didn't apologize.   Sad for both of us I think.   I remember everything that she taught me, good and bad, regardless of that apology.  I remember mostly that she died takeing to the grave the horrible actions that changed my life. 
          I think feeling sorry for someone is misunderstood.   Sorry mean feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, sorrowful, grief, tragic;  all those words that are attached to uncomfoartable feelings that we would like to ignore.   And many of us do.  But being able to feel all of these is what makes us human.   Its what moves us to action and change.  If we feel no regret over anything we do we have not learned.  Learning is all about making mistakes.  Everything in life is about making mistakes.   Sorry.  
         Do people choose not to apologize because they don't want redemption?   Redmeption is an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.   It is deliverance or rescue.  It can be connected to theology, but not necessarily.   To redeem is to buy or pay off; clear payment, to buy back, to recover.   So it could be about religion.   But since I am not religious this is how I percieve it.   You are saying to the person who feels wronged, hurt, or insulted that I am buying back my honor, my self confidence, my pride and in exchange giving you back your self confidence and turst in me.  None of this has to do with right or wrong.   It is all about love.  Love of yourself and your place in the world.   This is why so many people feel  loss from death not just becasue of the loss of a person, but the loss of the apology and the loss of love unrealized.
        The Pith of the Matter.   Yes, ultimately we are all in charge of our own perceptions of ourselves, our world and the people we choose to be in it.   We are the ones who decide how we will be loved by how we choose to love oursleves.   But what a loss when an apology goes unrealized.  Not only for the person who is on the recieving end, but more so for the person who needs the redmeption.   When we redeem ourselves with the gift of an apology we are saying we are capable of learning, we are capable of changing, and we are capable of growing and being better.  We are capable of love.   I want apology's in my life.  The people who give them are the people who I love.   Sorry.  

Attached is a great web site on seven rules for apologizing.  
http://alphamom.com/parenting/seven-rules-on-how-to-apologize/