A Lesson on Sex

  

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."
— Wayne W. Dyer

"It's all in the mind."
— George Harrison

"The limits of my language means the limits of my world." — Ludwig Wittgenstein

       
          Recently some one came straight out and said to me that the reason I frequent certain locations was because I was cougaring....really?  This location by the way is a gaming store.   For those of you who are unfamiliar with this place it is usually a comic store that also sells Dungeons and Dragons books, Magic Cards, Warhammer sets, etc.  (yes I am a nerd of the old school)  I was not amused and it momentarily made me feel that I somehow should change myself to change what people may be thinking of me.  Then I got to thinking.  I have heard this phrase conected to other women.   It is thrown around inappropriateely and women get insulted by it.   So I concluded that this is one of those words, that once again, people use, but don't really know what it is; then decided to school people once again.   :)

First I want to know who first started the "cougar" phrase? 
I found this on Yahoo Answers.

"From http://thestar.com.my/english/story.asp?…
" Now, in standard North American English, a “cougar” is a large wild cat sometimes also called a “puma” or a “panther”. Cougars look like female lions, only smaller.

In slang use, however, “cougar” is a term for an older woman who prefers to date younger men. There’s a connotation there of a wily, experienced feline going after a toothsome little rabbit.

While I’ve seen it in Australian and British newspapers, the slang term is far more common in North America.

Most of its popularity stems from a 2001 book by Valerie Gibson, called Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men. This is the sort of book you buy as a joke for your newly single women friends, but one that they will read with interest when no one else is around."

There's lots more at that site. You might like to read it."

Source(s):

http://thestar.com.my/english/story.asp?…

and this 

http://www.videojug.com/expertanswer/the-cougar-in-you-2/how-did-the-term-cougar-come-about 

and finally

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar

          Why else did I want to know this?   Well from the time this phrase originated, evidentally sometime in the 80's, when I was in my 20's by the way, every woman over the age of 30, whether she was single or not became suspect.   

          Before cougar originated it was the male who was primarily rewarded, seldom ridiculed, for his interest in the younger opposite sex..   It was considered almost acceptable for a man to be on the prowl for younger females even if he was married.  Hugh Hefner was, and is still considered, to be an excellent role model for this.  Both sex's were taught that  men were born this way, and women were taught to accept that males used this behavior.  Bleh!  This whole idea impies that men are incapable of forming a rational, intellegent thought and are primarily driven by instinct and hormones.   They some how supposedly knew the difference between right and wrong, but testosterone kept them from making a good choice.  (For crying out loud... ) 

          So while women were fighting for their rights we were being told by men, who advocated infidelity with the testoserone defense, that we were incapable of behaveing like them and there fore were unable to do there jobs/roles in society.   (see where I am going with this.)

          Then information started becoming public about how females engage in the same reckless behavior as men.   How dare we!  We were mothers and house wives! (and sometimes even grandmothers!)  Before this we kept quiet, and put on a brave face while we pretended to be ok being between a rock and a hard place.   If we showed confidence in ourselves by choosing to dress in a way that WE percieved ourselves as attractive then we were,"asking for it."  If we didnt we were frumps. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=frumps)  Our kids, and spouse were usually embarrassed by our appearance, in either dress choice, and this would usually end up in our husbands leaving for a younger girl; who was percieved as dressing appropriateley, even though she was dressing as a cougar herself.  Of course she was young and not on the prowl!?!  (so does this mean she was a sex kitten? Which implies some thing softer, younger and more cuddly.)  Once again I say for all females everywhere BLEH!  

          We were all young once and every female at some age will prowl.  (Whether you are a cougar or kitten.) We want what men want.   We show ourselves off to attrack the best possible mate in order to propegate the best possible outcome, namely a good brood and the best provider.  Shit I got two sons out of my choice!  I think I did pretty damn good, and would never have landed such a fine speciman if it hadn't been for showing some clevage.  (He is, and would admit to, being a "boob" man.)   I, on the other hand, was attracted to his wit, his confidence, his humor, his blue eyes, and his independance.  Those qualitys make a great husband. 

          I continue to stay attractive and show some cleavage because it is what he likes; NOT because I am cougaring.   Shame on society for not knowing the difference.  While many people will say this in jest they forget that it may be percieved as an insult.  I am proud that I have been with the same man for 28 years, especially in this day and age.  My husband and I are great role models for how to sustain a happy marriage and this is reflected in our sons; who make excellent relationship choices.   (Like father like sons.)

          I resent that I (or any female for that matter) am some how suppose to conform to what society thinks I should be.   Conforming never leads to happiness unless you are confortable and confident in joining the norm.   I believe that their is a time to conform, like driving on the road for instance.  Ignore the rules of safe driving and people get hurt.   But is choosing to dress like what society says you should a good choice for everyone?  Is that a conformity that we should abide by?  Yes...if we want a job then sometimes we have to conform.   I think it is more appropriate to teach the rules of conformity and the responsbility that comes with that instead of ridiculeing those who choose not to conform.   If you choose to dress this way these are the possible outcomes, NOT the probable ones.  

          I know many people young and old who choose to dress in ways that the norm, meaning the majority of society, feels uncomfortable with.   The obvious choice under these circumstances is usually to change the way people percieve you.  Change the way you dress?   Not necessarily.   If you choose to dress in a way that society is unfamiliar with and uneducated on; then set about making them familiar with, educated on and ultimately comfortable with your choice.   This first, and most importantly, means you must be comfortable with your choice. This also means you have choosen the rold of teaching; everyone has the role of teacher in some form or another, at one time or another.  But, educateing people on the topic of perception is far more effective then telling someone they are wrong, and it is honorable. 

          The pith of the matter?   Think before you speak.   Educate your self so that people take you seriously when speak.   Back it up with facts.  Be informed.   Say what you mean and mean what you say.   Then if you unintentionally hurt someone by what you say; you will be confident in knowing that you were able to say it with confidence; not because you need to be right with someone, but because you need to feel right about your self.    

 

Part of the Whole

 I am going to tell you about someone I respect. 
This person is a she and a he.  
She is calm, centered, focused and constantly thinks of others, even though she has endured things in life that perhaps one percent of the population world wide have endured, or even know about. 
She values youth. 
He is brave and adventurous.  Taking risks daily in his professional life and personal one too.  
She is wise and experienced and has a loving look always in her eyes, even when she is unsure that she is a loving person.  
He is loyal and endures, even when he is unsure if he can.  
She is witty, intellegent and independant; always moving forward even when the universe attempts to make her stand still.  
She is a poet, and entrepanuer and a caregiver.  Unaware of how truley brave she is.
He has a sense of humor that lends light to every situation.  
She is contmeplative, always putting others needs before her own.  Keeping her home even when she wants to venture forth.
He is sensitive, a listener, and a thinker.  
She is the center, the focus, the never ending source of wisdom that we all hear.  
They are all individuals, but all one.  
They have given me strength, wisdom, nonjudgemental advice, smiles and unconditonal affection.   
I value them all.  
They are more then they know,
and have helped me to become more then I knew. 
On journey down the next path of my life they have taught me to stand tough,
and keep my eye focused on the path ahead of me.  
The joy, affection, and thankfullness that I feel will never be expressed fully.  
Thank you.

Time and Motion

        "Get rid of the self and act from the self!"  -Zen saying 

          What is consideration?  Who is it for and when do we use it?  On a daily basis people make statements in reference to people being inconsiderate.   But do we really know what it means or is it just a word we like to throw around alot?  (There seems to be so many of those words.)   Being considerate means to give something, or someone, careful thought; it is meditation, or  deliberation.   It is something (or someone) that is, or is to be, kept in mind when making a decision, evaluateing facts, etc.   It is thoughtful and/or sympathetic regard.  It is respect and thoughtfullness.   
          Deliberation is actually an act of slow, careful, thoughtful communication, either verbal or nonverbal.   It is connected to the perception of time and motion.   Motion is the process of changing place or position.   It is also to make a meaningful gesture, like with the hand.  Or, my personal favorite, to go through the motions, to do something halfheartedly, as a formality or facade.   Time is the system of sequential relations that any event has to any other, as in past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.  Finally, meditation, which is a continued or extended thought, reflection or contemplation.
              Here's the monkey on the brain however.  Perception.  Once again perception varies from person to person.  Someone may percieve themselves as being considerate, when infact they are not.   How can someone know they are to be considerate in a certain area, or under certain circumstances, if they don't understand what you would like or need?   The perception of consideration must be explained and kept constant.  (Time and motion.)
          Being considerate is a learned skill.  It is not something we are born knowing how to do.  Traits that we all have at birth cover our basic instincts and feelings.   Happy, sad, angry, hungry, needing affection, etc.  Consideration requires acts and words attached to it, so it is an advanced skill that we must learn.  (Time and motion)
          How do you learn to be considerate?   When we are young we, of course, learn it from our role models.  Watching our parents being loving and considerate towards each other.   Seeing them put someone elses needs before their own, being polite to a stranger or a rude person, even when that person doesn't deserve politeness.   Remembering things, that they percieve as being insignificant, because it means alot to a loved one.  (Time and motion.)
           Having consideration is about respect, not only for others, but ultimately for ourselves.   How can you really like yourself if you don't treat others with repect?   And how can others respect you if you don't treat them, and yourself, with out consideration?  Respect is esteem for, or a sense of the worth, or excellence as, or of, a person.  It is a personal quality, ability, or something that is considered a manifestation of something personal in a person.  It is earned through deeds and words.  It is honor.   Honor is honesty, fairness, and/ or integrity in one's beliefs and actions.   It is a gift that we give to ourselves.  It is our personal core, our morals, values, and belief system.   These are our core being.   For instance, our spiritual beliefs may change, but we will always choose to be spiritual.  ( Time and motion.) 
          As we develop through our lifetime and expand our universe, and the people in it, we learn the skill of observation.   What once was hidden from us suddenly is obvious.   Our perceptions change.   We learn that it is wrong to tease someone just because they are not exactly like us.   We now are able to observe that it causes pain and causeing pain is not honorable.  We notice that a dishonorable act reflects negatively on us.   So we become more considerate and learn to with hold judgement for the persons who are causing the pain instead of the ones recieving it.  
          The first phase is learning to speak, useing words correctly and learning that words carry some power.   We are thirsty, we ask for a drink, we get it, that is power.  The second phase is learning to observe.  Watching the effects that our words and behavior has on our environment and the people in it.   The last part is listening.  (Time and motion.) 
          You would thing listening comes earlier, but not really, as all parents know.   Listening is attached to critical thinking and problem solving.  It is advanced thinking and usually comes in adolescence; but as any adult will probably tell you, it is a skill that we all strive to perfect for as long as we live.  Teens are focused on fairness.   They want to know that what someone tells them is the truth.   It doesn't matter much that they are still learning this concept themselves and are pretty hypocritical about it.  What matters is that the role models that they look up to are telling the truth and not being hypocrits.   They learn that parents are no longer perfect.   The consideration that they look for and expect is that parents admit to this.    (Time and motion.)
          So now we're adults and we have learned to speak, observe and listen.  (We have learned to move with in our time)   AND YET!!  There will be a lack of consideration.  Why?   Time and motion.  (Moving with in our time.)           While we are awful good at observing someone elses action and quick to point out how they are wrong, more often then right.   We are slow, and sometimes completely oblivious, to our own.   We go through the motions half heartedly with out consideration for the other persons time and feelings.   We forget to observe, we didn't completely listen and perhaps didn't speak truthfully.   The person on the recieving end of this becomes...hurt.
          The pith of the matter.   Consideration takes time, it entails someone meditateing on something, or someone, else.   It requires us to stop, think outside our self and act from the self.  It is an act of kindness towards another living thing and in this time who wants to give time for that?  "OUR" time is valuable.  
          Time and motion.  At the end of your time on earth will you be able to feel that you gave honorable passage with consideration?  Something to meditate on.
  

Coming Into Manhood

          Today is my youngest sons birthday!   He has turned nineteen and is officially, by law, a man.   Perhaps many would read that last line and think to themselves, like my husband often says to our sons, "size does not a man make."   But in our youngest case this saying does not apply.   Oh yes, he still has some life lessons to learn, but all in all, he is on the right track, and we are proud of him.   I am sure that this blog will embarrass him to no end, but I feel the need to share and brag.
          I beleive that the universe has a way of giving us what we need.  There is a pretty good age gap between our youngest and his biological brother; six years to be exact.   This was not done purposely but it was timed perfectly according to the rules of the universe.   He was born July 16th, 1992, my husband and I were both thirty.   Before I became pregnant we had both pretty much given up being able to have anymore children and resigned ourselves to the fact that our eldest would be an only child.  
          My child bearing years were always full of reproduction issues.   My husband and I started to try having a child, before our wedding, at the advice of my OBGYN.   Being told that the longer we waited the chances of being able to have a baby would decrease.   I was five months pregnant for our first anniversary.   I never took brith control during the whole of our marriage; I didn't want to mess with the laws of nature and decrease even what slim chance I had of having a child. 
          When our eldest was four my husband recieved a job offer and we accepted and prepared for a move to New Mexico.   I stayed to get our eldest started in kindergarten and sell the house, he moved to New Mexico and searched for one.   Six weeks after my husband left I was taking pregnancy tests.   Yes plural...tests.   I took one and couldn't beleive it.   So I bought another, then another...they were all the same.   I was in tears, Joe was out of state, we were preparing to move, and, get this, we had sold all of the baby items; but mostly I cried for joy.   You've all heard of that old wives tale?   Sell your ababy stuff?   Well I am a firm believer of it.  I called my husband and shared the news.  Suddenly selling the house and moving took on a new, and slightly hurried, dimension.
          We did sell the house finally; when I was seven months pregnant.  We hired people to pack up the house and hit the road.   I can tell you that we stopped every hour, while on the road, at my doctors orders, so that I could get up and walk around and, of course, go to the bathroom.   I was labeled a high risk pregnancy.   My blood pressure had slowly risen; I was put on medication for it, and they were keeping an eye on red flags that I was exhibiting concerning toxcemia.   Originally they didn't want me to travel at all, but apparently, when you immediateley break into histerical crying they decide that it is better for you, and the baby's health, to be with the father.  :)   I can also tell you that if you have a weak bladder and are traveling, avoid Texas.   Their rest stops have no toilets, not even out houses?  I mean really!!!  What is up with that?   AND if you want to use a bathroom in a restraraunt you have to purchase something first; so basically you have to pay to use the toilet.   Curiously having pay toilets is something that is foreign to Texans.  (that is the New Mexican in my speaking.)
          So we reached New Mexico safely.   We had to hire a smaller moving truck to transition the furniture from the HUGE moving van to our home.  Our house was in the mountains, the roads were dirt and winding, there was no way to get a truck of that size up the mountain and down our so called drive way.  (Which made a far better sledding hill in the winter than a driveway.)  
          I worked slowly for the next three months trying to get the home in order before the baby came.  But not slow enough.  One of the first thing we did when we moved to New Mexico is see my new OBGYN, who had already recieved my medical files, and who I had spoken to multiple times before reaching NM.   He was surprised, after reading my pregnancy challanges, that I looked so well!?!   He was not expecting this, I took that confusing statement as good news.   It was short lived however,  he had to stop labor three times.   Finally I was put on bed rest for the last four weeks.   My mother in law came to stay to take care of our eldest and both she and my husband finished with the unpacking.
          I finally went into labor.  It was a half hour drive to the hospital and the only thing I remember about it is the white line on the road that I focused on while breathing.  The brithing room was set up for any emergency, but I was able to bring our son into the world safely after only one, yes I said one, hour of labor.   Our youngest was hurried into the world wide awake.   He was a beautiful white blonde haired, blue eyed boy...who ended up being colliky, and slept little.   At four weeks I stopped breast feeding so I could get some sleep.
          The next nineteen years I will condense into the following out of respect and love for our son.   He had many challanges, due to my pregnancy and extenuateing circumstances at home.   He dealt with many things that the majority of other kids his age did not; but he never ceased to amaze his father and I by having a huge shit eating grin on his face almost constantly.   :)   He walked early, he talked early, at three he reconfigured the computer.  He climbed fearlessy, sleeded down our drive way fearlessly, loved to get into and hid in things.  Disassemhled everything electronic he could get his pudgy littel fingers on.  He knew every make of car on the road and knew what engine it had and any other special qualities about it.   One of his favorite things to do was work with his dad on our cars and cover himself from head to toe in engine ick.
          He was bored stiff in school and let the teachers know it in his own individual way.   We moved him to a charter school when he hit Junior High age and was immediately recruited to help with the set up and maintenance of all their computers.  We ah\\had multiple phone calls from multiple schools concerning his hacking on school compueters, this earned him his own at thirteen, which he crashed, god knows how many times, and built back up on his own.  He dropped out of school at 16, got his GED and immediateley went into college.   Seetling, finally, on criminology.   He wants to get his Bachelors than join the Navy's officer training school to finish his schooling, because he has his sights on the GOvenrment. 
         All this sounds very impressive I know, but he is not perfect and inbetween the lines there were moments of rebellion that would make other parents kick a child out of the house.   But he learned from all of them.  He listened, most of the time, when the role models who cared for him were teaching him something.   We all had our doubts whether or not he was hearing anything, but I can confidentally tell everyone now, he was.   He had multiple stupid adults tell him that he would never amount to anything or tell him that he would amount to less than nothing.  (I put a stop to that quickly.)   It was implied that all matter of bad things would happen to him.  To those adults I say now,"KISS MY ASS!"   (and his)   We never listened and taught him with love and gave him everything he needed, to the best of our ability, to succeed in life.   We never enabled, we only ever abled.   We never let him become a vicitm and we taught him that his percieved weakness's were actually strengths and showed them how to make them work for him.
          So now he is nineteen.  He is with friends more than he is home.  THis is his thrid year in college already and he is miles ahead of the game.   He still doesnt clean his room, he still needs to ask for money and he still will periodically roll his eyes at me and take a HUGE sigh of exasperation.  Because I, even more so than his father, am the stupidest person walking the face of the earth right now. :)   I don't mind though because I know it is part of the process.  He is realizing that I am not the super woman, mom that he percieved me as being when he was little, and it means that he is maturing and readying himself for independance.   I know that technically he has been readying himself for years, and now, at nineteen he is standing on the precipise.  
          Most days I come home and the kitchen is clean, he has taken care of the dogs, vacuumed, picked up, done his own laundry, fed himself and has done countless other things, that only a few short years ago, I had to remind him of constantly.  He understands the concept of earning what he wants out of life and respecting those around him who help him acheve his goals.  He knows how to set goals and get them.  He can budget, which is kinda freaky to me who is numerically challanged, and he's actually really good at it!?!   He is a good friend and is helpful to people he doesnt know.   He helps the elderly spontaneously, he's helped someone who's car is broke down on the side of the road, he loves his brothers and endures their teasing.   He knows right from wrong and makes good choices.    He is a kind, thoughtful, empathetic, intellegent young....MAN.
      So HAPPY BRITHDAY my son!   You came into my life, and I suspect many others also, just when you were suppose to and we are over joyed for it.   The world and our family, is a far better place because of your presence.  :)  I love you!
         
         

Now Fight

These lines come from the ending of Sucker Punch.   While it ended up not being a very popular movie their are some pretty profound moments, along with some pretty cool fight scenes.   Even I loved the little girls kicking some ass!  
Especially loved the following.


who honors those we love for the very life we live
who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we'll ever die
who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies
who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend
who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free
it's you
you have all the weapons you need
now fight